A
Historic Letter:
TO:
JESUS, SON OF JOSEPH
WOODCRAFTERS CARPENTERS SHOP
NAZARETH 25922
FROM: JORDAN MANAGEMENT
CONSULTANTS
JERUSALEM 26544
Dear Sir,
Thank you for submitting the resumes
of the twelve men you have picked for management positions in your new
organization. All of them have now taken our battery of tests; and we have
not only run the results through our computer, but also arranged personal
interviews for each one of them with our psychologist and vocational aptitude
consultant.
The profiles of all tests are included,
and you will want to study each of them carefully.
It is the staff opinion that most
of your nominees are lacking in background, education and vocational aptitudes
for the type of enterprise you are undertaking. They do not have the team
concept. We would recommend that you continue your search for persons experienced
in managerial ability and proven capability.
Simon Peter is emotionally unstable
and is given to fits of temper. Andrew has absolutely no qualities of leadership.
The two brothers, James and John, the Sons of Zebedee, place personal interests
above company loyalty. Thomas demonstrates a questioning attitude that
would tend to undermine morale. We feel that it is our duty to tell you
that Matthew has been blacklisted by the Greater Jerusalem Better Business
Bureau. James, the son of Alphaeus and Thaddaeus, definitely have radical
leanings, and they both registered a high score on the manic-depressive
scale.
One of the candidates, however,
shows great potential. He is a man of ability and resourcefulness, meets
people well, has a keen business mind and has contacts in high places.
He is highly motivated, ambitious, and responsible. We recommend Judas
Iscariot as your controller and right-hand man. All the other profiles
are self-explanatory.
We wish you every success in your
new venture.
Sincerely yours,
Jordan Management Consultants
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AN
IRISH PRAYER:
MAY THOSE THAT
LOVE US, LOVE US,
AND THOSE THAT
DON'T LOVE US,
MAY GOD TURN
THEIR HEARTS;
AND IF HE DOESN'T
TURN THEIR HEARTS,
MAY HE TURN THEIR
ANKLES,
SO WE'LL KNOW
THEM BY THEIR LIMPING!!
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Ma's
Letter:
Dear Son,
"I'm writing this real slow, 'cause
I know you can't read very fast.
"We don't live where we did when
you left. Your daddy read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within
20 miles of home, so we moved 25 miles down the road. "I won't be able
to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the
numbers off the house with them house so's they wouldn't have to change
their address.
"This place has a washing machine,
but I don't think it works too well. The first day I put your shirts in,
pulled the chain, and I ain't seen 'em since.
"It only rained twice this week.
Three days the first time and four days the second time.
"Son, you know the coat you wanted
me to send you? Well, Aunt Hilda said it would be to heavy to send in the
mail with those heavy buttons on it, so we cut them off and put them in
the pockets. You'll find 'em there. I figured you mighta thought they got
lost in the mail.
"We got a letter from the funeral
home. They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's funeral
bill, up she comes. I don't know what to do, we didn't get along all that
well when she was here the first time.
"You sister had a baby this morning.
I ain't heard if it's a boy or a girl, so I don't know if your an uncle
or an aunt. I'll get back to you with that.
"Your Uncle John fell in the whisky
vat. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off, so he drowned.
We cremated him last week. He burned for three days.
"Three of your friends went off
the bridge in a pickup. One was driving, the other two was in the back.
The driver got out. He rolled the window down, climbed out and swam to
safety. The other two drowned. Sad. They couldn't get the tailgate down.
"Not much more to write I guess.
You take care of yourself and don't forget to wear clean underwear when
you go out, ya hear? Just never do know when you might get in a accident.
"Love ya,"
Ma
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A
math problem:
Work this out as you read.
Don't read the bottom until you
have worked it out!
Continue to scroll slowly...
1. First of all, pick the day of
the week you like most by number:
(ex. Sunday = 1, Monday = 2, etc.)
2. Multiply this number by 2.
3. Add 5.
4. Multiply this number by 50.
5. If you have ALREADY had your
birthday this year, add 1746.
If you haven't, then add 1747.
6. Last step: Subtract the four
digit year that you were born.
Results:
You should now have a three digit
number:
* The first digit of this was your
original number(your favorite day).
* The second two digits are your
age!
This is the ONLY year it will EVER
work, so spread the joy around by mailing this to everybody you know.
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Medical
Terminology for the Layman:
ARTERY...................................................The
study of fine painting.
BARIUM...................................................What
you do when the patient dies.
BENIGN....................................................What
you are after you be eight.
CAESAREAN SECTION.........................A
district in Rome.
COLIC.......................................................A
sheep dog.
CONGENITAL.........................................Friendly.
DILATE.....................................................To
live long.
FESTER.....................................................Quicker.
G.I. SERIES..............................................Baseball
game between soldiers.
HANGNAIL..............................................Coat
hook.
MEDICAL STAFF....................................A
Doctors cane.
MINOR OPERATION.............................Coal
digging.
MORBID...................................................A
higher offer.
NITRATE...................................................Lower
than the day rate.
NODE.........................................................Was
aware of.
ORGANIC.................................................Church
Musician.
OUT PATIENT..........................................A
patient who has fainted.
POST-OPERATIVE..................................A
letter carrier.
PROTEIN..................................................In
favor of young people.
SECRETION.............................................Hiding
anything.
SEROLOGY..............................................Study
of English Knighthood.
TABLET....................................................A
small table.
TUMOR....................................................An
extra Pair.
URINE.......................................................The
opposite of your out.
VARICOSE VEINS...................................Veins
very close together.
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What Would
You Sacrifice? Test:
Take this quiz and tell me which
one you are.
What kind of personality you have?
Keep track of the order of your
choices...
What to Leave First...
This is NOT a joke, but is quite
interesting!
You are in a desert. You have
with you the following five animals:
A lion, a cow, a horse, a sheep,
and a monkey.
To escape the desert you are going
to have to get rid of one of your animals.
Which one do you drop? (You can
use whatever logic you like BUT keep track of which animal is discarded
when!)
You have 4 animals left.
The desert is burning up!
It goes on for miles. Sand is everywhere.
You realize, to get out, you are
going to have drop another animal.
Which do you drop?
You have 3 animals left.
Walk, walk, walk.
Hot, hot, hot.
Disaster! The Oasis that you
were looking for is dried up! You have no choice but to drop another animal.
You have 2 animals left.
Ok, it's a long hot walk.
You can see the edge of the desert way on the horizon and you can only
leave the desert with ONE animal. Which one do you drop and which one do
you keep?
Before looking at the answers, make
sure you know which animal you dropped in what order.
These answers are based on Japanese
Archetypes.
The desert represents a hardship.
The animals represent . . .
Lion = Pride
Monkey = Your Children
Sheep = friendship
Cow = Basic Needs
Horse = Your Passion.
So, in the face of hardship, you
will sacrifice each of these things in turn. Your last animal represents
that thing which you cling to at
the expense of all others.--
Find this interesting??
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Team Work
(So True!):
At one point during a game, the
coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation
is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"Do you understand that what matters
is whether we win together as a team?" The little boy nodded
yes.
"So," the coach continued, "when
a strike is called, or you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or
attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?" Again the little
boy nodded.
"Good," said the coach. "Now
go over there and explain it to your mother."
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The Daily Joke (TM), Set 1, Volume
2, Issue 20, 2-20-98
A Subscriber Writes (Out
Of Childrens Mouths)
While I was shopping in the mall
with my three children, a display in the window of a lingerie store caught
my eye.
" Do you think Daddy would like
this? " I asked the kids, as I pointed to a lacy teddy with matching robe.
" No way," my horrified six-year
old son replied.
" Daddy would never wear that!
"
Copyright © 1997-1998, John
Rudnick, All Rights reserved. Permission is granted to reprint or distribute
The Daily Joke, jokes as long as this full copyright notice is included,
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The Daily Joke (TM), Set 1, Volume
2, Issue 20, 2-20-98
Nuts
Submitted by Robyn
It seems that the recreational director
of a mental hospital wanted to take a well behaved group of inmates to
a baseball game. The General Manager of the club was a little leery of
this. However the Recreational Director asked " If I prove to you how well
behaved they are, will you let them in?"
It was agreed and Recreational Director
said "Sit down, nuts" and they sat down. He then said "Stand up, nuts"
and everyone stood up. "Sit down, nuts" and everyone sat down. "Look behind
you nuts" and everyone turned around.
Pleased with that, the General Manager
let them in. About the 3rd inning or so, he heard a tremendous commotion,
people running helter skelter.
He asked what happened and a person
said, "Someone called out 'Peanuts'"
Copyright © 1997-1998, John
Rudnick, All Rights reserved. Permission is granted to reprint or distribute
The Daily Joke, jokes as long as this full copyright notice is included,
including the subscription information. (TOP)
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The Daily Joke (tm), Set
1, Volume 2, Issue 21, 2-21-98
On Trial
A defendant was on trial for murder.
There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In
the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would
probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,
I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch.
"Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into
this courtroom."
He looked toward the courtroom door.
The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing
happened.
Finally the lawyer said, "Actually,
I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation.
I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as
to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not
guilty."
The jury, clearly confused, retired
to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a
verdict of guilty.
"But how?" inquired the lawyer.
"You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."
The jury foreman replied: "Oh, we
did look, but your client didn't."
Copyright 1997,1998, John Rudnick,
All Rights reserved. Permission is granted to reprint or distribute The
Daily Joke, jokes as long as this full copyright notice is included, including
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The Daily Joke (tm), Set
1, Volume 2, Issue 21, 2-21-98
Ponder 1
"The reason activists make a bigger
fuss over fur than leather, is it's easier to harass rich women than bikers!"
Copyright 1997,1998, John Rudnick,
All Rights reserved. Permission is granted to reprint or distribute The
Daily Joke, jokes as long as this full copyright notice is included, including
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The Daily Joke (tm), Set
1, Volume 2, Issue 21, 2-21-98
Occupying
The Kid (They Ain't So Dumb)
John and Maria decided that the
only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their eight year old
son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and have him report
on all the neighborhood activities.
The boy began his commentary as
his parents put their plan into operation.
"There's a car being towed from
the parking lot, and an ambulance just drove by." he said.
A few moments passed.
"Looks like the Smiths have company,"
he called out, "Bills riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex."
Mom and Dad shot up in bed.
"How do you know that?" the startled father asked.
"Their kid is standing out on the
balcony too," his son replied.
Copyright © 1997-1998, John
Rudnick, All Rights reserved. Permission is granted to reprint or distribute
The Daily Joke, jokes as long as this full copyright notice is included,
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The Daily Joke (tm), Set 1, Volume
2, Issue 22, 2-22-98
An
Engineer In Hell
Submitted by Robyn
An engineer dies and reports to
the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "you're in the
wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.
Pretty soon the engineer gets dissatisfied
with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.
After a while they've got air conditioning
and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular
guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the
telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are
going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators,
and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next!
God replies, "What? You've got an
engineer? That's a mistake, he should never have gotten down there; send
him back up here!"
Satan says, "No way. I like having
an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God replies "Send him back up here
or I'll sue."
"Yeah, right. And just where are
you going to get a lawyer?"
Copyright © 1997-1998, John
Rudnick, All Rights reserved. Permission is granted to reprint or distribute
The Daily Joke, jokes as long as this full copyright notice is included,
including the subscription information.
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The Daily Joke (TM), Set 1, Volume
2, Issue 23, 2-23-98
Locked
out
Submitted by Nancy Grayson
Two blondes were trying to unlock
their car with a coat hanger.
After about an hour one blonde said
to the other blonde:
" Hurry up, It's going to rain any
minute now and the top is down."
Copyright © 1997-1998, John
Rudnick, All Rights reserved. Permission is granted to reprint or distribute
The Daily Joke, jokes as long as this full copyright notice is included,
including the subscription information. (TOP)
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The Daily Joke (TM), Set 1, Volume
2, Issue 25, 2-25-98
Nature
of God
A man trying to understand the nature
of God and asked Him:
"God how long is a million years
to you?"
And God answered: " A million years
is like a minute. "
Then the man asked: " God, how much
is a million dollars to you? "
And God replied: " A million dollars
is like a penny. "
Finally the man asked: " God, could
you give me a penny? "
And God said, " In a minute. "
Copyright © 1997-1998, John
Rudnick, All Rights reserved. Permission is granted to reprint or distribute
The Daily Joke, jokes as long as this full copyright notice is included,
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The Daily Joke (TM), Set 1, Volume
2, Issue 25, 2-25-98
The Economy
Submitted by Katy Willens
This guy is walking with his friend.
He says to this friend, "I'm a walking
economy."
The friend replies "how so?"
"My hair line is in recession, my
stomach is a victim of inflation, and both of these together are putting
me into a deep depression."
Copyright © 1997-1998, John
Rudnick, All Rights reserved. Permission is granted to reprint or distribute,
The Daily Joke, as long as this full copyright notice is included, including
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The Daily Joke (tm), Set 1, Volume
2, Issue 26, 2-26-98
Out Smarted
One of the strong young men at a
construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of
strength.
He made a special case of making
fun of one of the older Workmen who after several minutes had had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where
your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something
in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel
back."
"You're on, old man," the braggart
replied. "Let's see what you got."
The old man reached out and grabbed
the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he
said, "All right. Get in."
Copyright © 1997-1998, John
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Let's
face it, English is a crazy language!
Richard Lederer's from a portion
of the introduction to his book CRAZY ENGLISH (Pocket Books, 1989) Please
feel free to see the entire essay in the archives section of his website,
Richard Lederer's Verbivore at http://www.pobox.com/~verbivore
There's no egg in eggplant nor ham
in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented
in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads
aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted.
But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly,
boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is
it a pig.
And why is it that writers write
but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?
One goose, two geese. So one moose, two meese? One index, two indices?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can
make amends but not one amend, that you comb through the annals of history
but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid
of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preacher
praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian
eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?
Sometimes I think all the English
speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.
In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that
smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?
How can a slim chance and a fat
chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite
a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold
as hell another?
How you noticed that we talk about
certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful
carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love?
Have you ever run into someone who
was dis-combobulated, grunted, ruly or peccable? And where are all
those people who are spring hickens or who would actually hurt a fly?
You have to marvel at the unique
lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down,
in which you fill in a form by filling out and in which an alarm clock
goes off by going on.
English was invented by people,
not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which,
of course, isn't a race at all).
That is why, when the stars are
out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay,
I end it!
Copyright © Richard Lederer,
All Rights reserved. Used with author's permission 07/28/2000 (TOP)
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The Daily Joke (TM), Set 1, Volume
3, Issue 3, 3-3-98
Nuts
Two boy scouts went on a nature
hike in the hills picking hickory nuts along the way, They soon filled
their small pails and started to fill their pockets and shirts.
When they could hold no more nuts
they started down the country road until they came across a cemetery. The
boys
decided that would be a good place
to stop and rest and divide out the nuts.
The two boys sat in the shade of
a large oak tree and unloaded their pockets and buckets dumping all of
the nuts
in a large pile.
In the process two of them rolled
away and rested near the road. The boys then proceeded to divide out the
nuts.
"One for you. One for me.
One for you. One for me"
As they were doing this another
boy was passing by and happened to hear them. He looked into the cemetery
but
could not see the boys as they
were obscured by the tree. He hesitated a moment and then ran back to town.
"Father, Father," he yelled as he
entered his house. ' "The cemetery. Come quick!!!"
"What's the matter?" his father
asked?
"No time to explain." the boy frantically
panted. "Follow me"
The boy and his father ran up the
country road and stopped when they reached the cemetery. They stopped
at the side of the road, and all fell silent for a few moments, Then the
father asked his son what was wrong.
Do you hear that? he whispered.
Both people listened intently and heard the Scouts. "One for me. One for
you. One for me. One for you."
The boy then blurted out, "The devil
and the Lord are dividing the souls"
The father was skeptical but silent.
Until a few moments later as the Scouts completed dividing out the nuts
and one Scout said to the other...
"Now as soon as we get those two
nuts down by the road we'll have them all."
Copyright © 1997-1998, John
Rudnick, All Rights reserved. Permission is granted to reprint or distribute,
The Daily Joke, as long as this full copyright notice is included, including
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The Daily Joke (TM), Set 1, Volume
3, Issue 4, 3-4-98
In
The Beginning, God Created Heaven And Earth...
He was then faced with a class action
lawsuit for failing to file an environmental impact statement from HEPA
(Heavenly Environmental Protection
Agency), an angelically staffed agency dedicated to keeping the universe
pollution free.
God was granted a temporary permit
for the heavenly portion of the project, but was issued a cease and desist
order on the earthly portion of the project, pending further investigation
by HEPA.
Upon completion of his construction
permit and environmental impact statement, God appeared before HEPA council
to answer some questions. When asked why He began these projects in the
first place, He simply replied that He liked to be creative. This was not
considered an adequate reason and He was required to substantiate this
further.
HEPA was unable to see any practical
use for earth anyway, since "the earth was void and empty and darkness
was on the face of the deep."
Then God said, "Let there be Light."
He should never have brought up this point, since one member of the Council
was active in the Sierrangel Club and immediately protested, asking how
the Light was to be made. Would there be strip mining? Air Pollution?
God explained that the Light would
come from a huge ball of fire. Nobody on the council really understood
this, but it was provisionally accepted, assuming 1) that there would be
no smog or smoke resulting from the burning; 2) a separate burning permit
would be required; and 3) since continuous light would be a waste
of energy, it should be
dark half of the time.
So God agreed to divide the Light
and the Darkness and He would call the Light Day and the Darkness Night.
(The Council expressed no interest in in-house semantics.)
When asked how the earth would be
covered, God said, "Let there be firmament made amidst the waters; and
let it divide the waters from the waters." One ecologically radical Council
member accused Him of double talk, but the Council tabled action since
God would have to first file for a permit from the ABLM (Angelic Bureau
of Land
Management) and further would be
required to obtain water permits from the appropriate agencies involved.
The council asked if there would
only be water and firmament, and God said, "Let the earth bring forth the
green herb, and such as may seed, and the fruit tree yielding after its
own kind, which may have seen itself upon the earth."
The Council agreed as long as native
seed would be used. About future development God also said, "Let the waters
bring forth the creeping creature having life, and the fowl that may fly
over the earth.
" Here again, the Council took no
formal action since this would require approval of the Fish and Game Commission
coordinatedwith the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audobonangelic
Society.
It then appeared the everything
was in order until God stated that He
wanted to complete the project in six days. At this time He was advised
by the Council that his timing was completely out of the question...HEPA
would require a minimum of 180 days toreview the application and environmental
impact statement, and then there would be public hearings. It would
take 10 to 12 months before a permit would be granted.
God said, "To Hell it will perish!"
Copyright © 1997-1998, John
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The Daily Joke (TM), Set 1, Volume
3, Issue 4, 3-4-98
Not
To Bright
Submitted by Robert Adams
A brunette goes to the doctor &
as she touches each part of her body with her finger she says, "Doctor
it hurts
everywhere! My leg hurts, my arm hurts, my neck hurts,&
even my head hurts!"
The doctor asks, "Were you ever
a Blonde?"
"Yes, I was," she replies "why do
you ask?"
The doctor answers, "because your
finger is broken!"
Copyright © 1997-1998, John
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Children
Speak To God
submitted by David Singer
Dear GOD,
In school they told us what You
do. Who does it when You are on vacation? * Jane
Dear GOD,
Are you really invisible or is
that just a trick? * Lucy
Dear GOD,
Is it true my father won't get
in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house? * Anita
Dear GOD,
Did you mean for the giraffe to
look like that or was it an accident? * Norma
Dear GOD,
Instead of letting people die and
having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have now?
* Jane
Dear GOD,
Who draws the lines around the
countries? * Nan
Dear GOD,
I went to this wedding and they
kissed right in church. Is that okay? * Neil
Dear GOD,
What does it mean You are a Jealous
God? I thought You had everything. * Jane
Dear GOD,
Did you really mean "do unto others
as they do unto you"? Because if you did, then I'm going to fix my brother!
* Darla
Dear GOD,
Thank you for the baby brother,
but what I prayed for was a puppy. * Joyce
Dear GOD,
It rained for our whole vacation
and is my father mad! He said some things about You that people are
not supposed to say, but I hope You will not hurt him anyway. Your friend
(But I am not going to tell you who I am)
Dear GOD,
Why is Sunday school on Sunday?
I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest. * Tom L.
Dear GOD,
Please send me a pony. I never
asked for anything before, You can look it up. * Bruce
Dear GOD,
If You give me a genie lamp like
Aladin, I will give you anything you want except my money or my chess set.
* Raphael
Dear GOD,
My brother is a rat. You
should give him a tail. Ha ha. * Danny
Dear GOD,
Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill
each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my
brother.
* Larry
Dear GOD,
I want to be just like my Daddy
when I get big but not with so much hair all over. * Sam
Dear GOD,
I think the stapler is one of your
greatest inventions. * Ruth M.
Dear GOD,
I bet it is very hard for You to
love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our
family and I can never do it. * Nan
Dear GOD,
If You watch me in church Sunday,
I'll show You my new shoes. * Mickey D.
Dear GOD,
I would like to live 900 years
like the guy in the Bible. Love, Chris
Dear GOD,
We read Thomas Edison made light.
But in school they said You did it. So I bet he stoled your
idea.
Sincerely, Donna
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The Daily Joke, Set 1, Volume 3,
Issue 6, 3-6-98
A
Mothers Prayer
Submitted by Audree Hurlburt
Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray
my sanity to keep.
For if some peace I do not find,
I'm pretty sure I'll lose my mind.
I pray I find a little quiet, Far
from the daily family riot.
May I lie back and not have to
think about what they're
stuffing down the sink, or who
they're with, or where
they're at and what they're doing
to the cat.
I pray for time all to myself (did
something just fall off a shelf?)
To cuddle in my nice, soft bed (Oh
no, another goldfish--dead!)
Some silent moments for goodness
sake (Did I just hear a window break?)
And that I need not cook or clean
(well heck, I've got the right to dream)
Yes now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my wits about me keep,
But as I look around I know, I
must have lost them long ago!
Copyright © 1997-1998, John
Rudnick, All Rights reserved. Permission is granted to reprint or distribute,
The Daily Joke, as long as this full copyright notice is included, including
the subscription information. (TOP)
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Noah's
ARK if it were built today
submitted by Dave Singer
"Noah's Ark...If It Happened Today"
And the Lord spoke to Noah and said,
"In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered
with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a
few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet.
I am commanding you to build an Ark."
And in a flash of lighting, He delivered
the specifications for an Ark.
"Okay," said Noah, trembling with
fear and fumbling with the blue prints.
"Six months, and it starts to rain,"
thundered the Lord. "You'd better have the Ark completed, or learn
to swim for a very long time."
Six months passed, the skies clouded
up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in
his front yard, weeping and there was no Ark.
"Noah," shouted the Lord, "where
is the Ark?"
"Lord, please forgive me!" begged
Noah. "I did my best. But there were big problems. First,
I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your
plans didn't meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the
plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed
a fire sprinkler system."
"Then my neighbor objected, claiming
I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to
get a variance from the city planning commission."
"Then I had problems getting enough
wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the
Spotted Owl. I had to convince US Fish and Wildlife that I need the
wood to save the owls. But they wouldn't let me catch any owls.
So, no owls."
"The carpenters formed a union and
went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National
Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer.
Now we have sixteen carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls."
"Then I started gathering up animals,
and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking
only two of each kind."
"Just when I got the suit dismissed,
EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental
impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly
to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme
Being."
"Then the Army Corp of Engineers
wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe."
"Right now, I'm still trying to
resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over
how many Croatians I'm supposed to hire.
The IRS has seized all my assets,
claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country.
And I just got a notice from the state about owing them some kind of use
tax. I really don't think I can finish the Ark for at least another
five years," Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear. The
sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked
up and smiled.
"You mean you're not going to destroy
the earth?" Noah asked hopefully.
"No," said the Lord sadly.
"The government already has." (TOP)
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THE BARBER:
From Angels Online
After twenty years of shaving himself
every morning, a man in a small Southern town decided he had enough. He
told his wife that he intended
to let the local barber shave him each day. He put on his hat and
coat and went to
the barber shop which was owned
by the pastor of the town Baptist Church. The barber's wife, Grace,
was working,
so she performed the task.
Grace shaved him and sprayed him
with lilac water and said, "That will be $20."
The man thought the price was a
bit high, but he paid the bill and went to work. The next morning the man
looked
in the mirror, and his face was
as smooth as it had been when he left the barber shop the day before. Not
bad, he thought. At least I don't need to get a shave every day.
The next morning, the man's face
was still smooth. Two weeks later, the man was still unable to find any
trace of whiskers on his face. It was more than he could take, so he returned
to the barber shop.
"I thought $20 was high for a shave",
he told the barber's wife, "but you must have done a great job. It's been
two weeks and my whiskers still haven't started growing back."
The expression on her face didn't
even change, expecting his comment. She responded, "You were shaved
by Grace. Once shaved, always shaved." (TOP)
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Father-In-Law
and God:
From Angels Online
A nice Christian girl brings home
her fiancée to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother
tells her father to find out about the young man. He invites the fiancée
out onto the front porch for ice tea.
"So, what are your plans?" the father
asks the fiancée. "I am a Bible scholar," he replies. "A Bible scholar."
the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house
for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?" "I will study," the
young man replies, "...and God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful
engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father. "I will concentrate
on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us."
"And children?" asks the father.
"How will you support children?" "Don't worry, sir, God will provide,"
replies the fiancée. The conversation proceeds like this, and each
time the father questions, the fiancée insists that God will provide.
Later, the mother asks, "So, how
did it go?" The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good
news is he thinks I'm God." (TOP)
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The
Jews and the Pope:
From Angels Online
About a century or two ago, the
Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave Rome.
Naturally there was a big uproar
from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious
debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, the Jews
could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave. The Jews realized that
they had no choice. So they picked a middle-aged man named Moishe to represent
them. Moishe asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting,
neither side would be allowed to talk. The Pope agreed. The day of the
great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full
minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe
looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in
a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground wherehe sat. The
Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple.
The Pope stood up and said, "I give up." This man is too good. The Jews
can stay." An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope
asking him what had happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers
to represent the Trinity." He responded by holding up one finger to remind
me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved
my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded
by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with
us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us from our
sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer
for everything. "What could I do?" Meanwhile, the Jewish community had
crowded around Moishe. "What happened?" they asked. "Well," said Moishe,"
First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I
told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that
this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying
right here." "And then?" asked a woman. "I don't know," said Moishe, "He
took out his lunch and I took out mine." (TOP)
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Out
of Paradise:
From Angels Online
An Amish boy and his father were
visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they
saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and
back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I
have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what
it is." While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady
in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a
button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them and into
a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched
small circles of light with numbers above the wall light up. They continued
to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The
walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out. The
father said to his son, "Go get your Mother." (TOP)
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