You
Decide (True or False):
Submitted by Dave Singer
Most people don't know that back
in 1912 Hellman's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact,
the "Titanic" was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery
in Vera Cruz, Mexico which was to be the next port of call for the great
ship after New York City.
Mexicans were crazy about the stuff.
The Mexican people were eagerly
awaiting delivery and were disconsolate("desperados") at the loss.
So much so that they declared a national day of mourning which they still
observe today.
It is known, of course, as ...Sinko
de Mayo. (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
God's
Letter:
Submitted by Dave Singer
One day God was looking down to
earth and saw all the evil going on. He decided to send an angel
down to earth to check it out. So, he called on a female angel and
sent her to earth for a time. When she returned she told God yes, it is
bad on earth, 95% is bad and 5% is good.
Well, He thought for a moment and
said maybe I had better send down a male angel, to get both points of view.
So, God called a male angel and
sent him to earth for a time. When the male angel returned, he went
to God and told him yes, the earth was in decline, 95% was bad and 5% was
good.
God said this was not good.
He would send a letter to the 5% that were good and encourage them, by
saying something to help them keep going.
Do you know what that letter said?
*
*
*
*
Oh, so you didn't get one either?
(TOP) (Back
to Humor Index)
Computer
Technology for Southerners...:
Submitted by Dave Singer
1.) LOG ON: Makin a
wood stove hotter.
2.) LOG OFF: Don't
add no more wood.
3.) MONITOR: Keepin
an eye on the wood stove.
4.) DOWNLOAD: Gettin
the farwood off the truk.
5.) MEGA HERTZ: When
yer not kerful gettin the farwood.
6.) FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha
git from tryin to carry too much farwood.
7.) RAM: That thar
thing whut splits the farwood.
8.) MOUSE PAD: That
hippie talk fer the rat hole.
9.) PROMPT: Whut the
mail ain't in the winter time.
10.) WINDOWS: Whut to shut wen
it's cold outside.
11.) SCREEN: Whut to shut wen it's
blak fly season.
12.) BYTE: Whut them dang flys
do.
13.) CHIP: Munchies fer the TV.
14.) MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the
bottom of the munchie bag.
15.) MODEM: Whut cha did to the
hay fields.
16.) DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's
wife.
17.) LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps.
18.) KEYBOARD: Whar ya hang the
dang keys.
19.) SOFTWARE: Them plastic forks
and knifs.
20.) MOUSE: Whut eats the grain
in the barn.
21.) MAINFRAME: Holds up the barn
roof.
22.) PORT: Fancy Flatlander wine
23.) ENTER: Northerner talk fer
"C'mon in y'all"
24.) RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: Wen
ya cain't 'member whut ya paid fer the rifle when yore wife asks.
25.) HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in
the winter time. (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
New Virus:
Submitted by Dave Singer
There is a new virus going around,
called "work."
If you receive any sort of "work"
at all, whether via email, internet, or simply handed to you by a colleague...DO
NOT OPEN IT.
This has been circulating around
our building for months, and those who have been tempted to open "work"
or even look at "work", have found that their social life is deleted and
their brain ceases to function properly.
If you do encounter "work" via email,
or are faced with any "work" at all, then to purge the virus, send an email
to your boss with the words "I've had enough of this... I'm off to
home." The "work" should automatically be forgotten by your brain.
If you receive "work" in paper-document
form, simply lift the document and drag the "work" to your garbage can.
Put on your hat and coat and skip to the nearest fun place with two
friends and order three lemonades.
After repeating this action 14 times,
you will find that "work" will no longer be of any relevance because you'll
never have to worry about work again!
Send this message to everyone in
your personal address book. If you do NOT have anyone in your personal
address book, then I'm afraid the "work" virus has already corrupted your
life! (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
No
Room At The INN:
Submitted by Dave Singer
By the time the sailor pulled into
a little town every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere,"
he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with
one occupant - an Air Force guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be
glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly
that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past.
I'm not sure it'd be worth it to
you."
"No problem," the tired Navy man
assured him. "I'll take it."
The next morning, the sailor came
down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked
the manager. "Never better."
The manager was impressed. "No problem
with the other guy snoring?"
"Nope. I shut him up in no time,"
said the Navy guy.
"How'd you manage that?" asked the
manager.
"He was already in bed,
snoring away, when I came in the room," the sailor explained. "I went over,
gave him a kiss on the cheek, and said, 'Goodnight beautiful,'
...and he sat up all night watching
me." (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
Making
The Most of Unproductive Time:
Submitted by Dave Singer
It has come to our attention recently
that many of you have been turning in timesheets that specify large amounts
of "Miscellaneous Unproductive Time" (Code 5309). To our department, unproductive
time isn't a problem. What is a problem, however, is not knowing exactly
what you are doing during your unproductive time. Attached below is a sheet
specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observations
of employee activities.
The list will allow you to specify
with a fair amount of precision what you are doing during your unproductive
time. Please begin using this job code list immediately and let us know
about any difficulties you encounter. Thank you, Accounting.
Attached: Extended Job Code List
Code
Number Explanation
5316
Useless Meeting
5319
Waiting for Break or Lunch
5321
Waiting for End of Day
5322
Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker
5323
Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker While Coworker is Not Present
5481
Buying Snack
5482
Eating Snack
5500
Filling Out Timesheet
5501
Inventing Timesheet Entries
5502
Waiting for Something to Happen
5504
Sleeping
5510
Feeling Bored
5600
Complaining About Job, Low Pay and Long Hours
5603
Complaining About Coworker (See Code 5322 & 5323)
5604
Complaining About Boss
5640
Miscellaneous Unproductive Complaining
5702
Suffering From Eight-Hour Flu
6102
Ordering Out
6103
Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive
6104
Taking It Easy While Digesting Food
6200
Using Company Resources for Personal Profit
6201
Stealing Pencils and Pens from Company
6203
Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls
6204
Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls to Sell
Stolen Company
Pencils
6205
Hiding from Boss
6206
Gossip
6207
Planning a Social Event (e.g. vacation, wedding, etc.)
6211
Updating Resume
6212
Faxing Resume to Another Employer/Headhunter
6213
Out of Office on Interview
6221
Pretending to Work While Boss Is Watching
6222
Pretending to Enjoy Your Job
6238
Miscellaneous Unproductive Fantasizing
6350
Playing Pranks on the New Guy/Girl
6601
Running your own Business on Company Time (See Code #6603)
6603
Writing a Book on Company Time
6612
Staring At Computer Screen
7400
Talking With Lawyer on Phone
7401
Talking With Plumber on Phone
7931
Asking Coworker to Aid You in an Illicit Activity
8100
Reading personal e-mail
8101
Accessing the Web for personal means and or fun
8102
Distributing e-mails JOKES to all your friends (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
Going
To Prison:
Submitted by Dave Singer
Three convicts were on the way to
prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them
occupy their time while incarcerated. On the bus, one turned to another
and said, "So, what did you bring?"
The second convict pulled out a
box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He
wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail". Then he asked the first,
"What did you bring?"
The first convict pulled out a deck
of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire,
gin, and any number of games."
The third convict was sitting quietly
aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked,
"Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"
The guy pulled out a box of tampons
and smiled. He said, "I brought these."
The other two were puzzled and asked,
"What can you do with those?"
He grinned and pointed to the box
and said, "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming,
roller-skating...." (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
Diary
Of A Cat:
Submitted by Jay and Cindy Berkshire
DAY 659 -- My captors continue to
taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh
meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me
going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining
the occasional piece of furniture.
Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
DAY 662 -- Today my attempt to kill
my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost
succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust
and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit
on their favorite chair... must try this on their bed.
DAY 669 -- Slept all day so that
I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food
at ungodly hours of the night.
DAY 681 -- Decapitated a mouse and
brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of
what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They
only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was... Hmmm
Not working according to plan
DAY 688 -- I am finally aware of
how sadistic they are. For no good reason, I was chosen for the water torture.
This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo."
What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is
the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
DAY 690 -- There was some sort of
gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout
the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the
glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my
confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is
and how to use it to my advantage.
DAY 699 -- I am convinced the other
captives are flunkies and may be snitches. The dog is routinely released
and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit.
The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered
their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them
regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement
in the metal room his safety is assured.
But I can wait, it is only a matter
of time. (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
Job
Application:
Submitted by Dave Singer
This is an actual job application
someone submitted at a fast-food establishment.
NAME: Greg Bulmash
DESIRED POSITION: Reclining.
Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position
to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year
plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's
not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle
management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible
collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m.,
Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:
Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS
THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the
more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS
OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse
Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on
fire.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING
IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model
who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like
to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS
TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to
prove otherwise. (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
Electric
Bulbs- The Dark Suckers:
Submitted by Dave Singer
For years it has been believed that
electric bulbs emitted light. However, more recent information has
proven otherwise. Electric bulbs don't emit light, they suck
dark. Thus we call these bulbs dark suckers. The dark
sucker theory proves the existence of dark, that dark has mass heavier
than that of light, and that dark is faster than light.
The basis of the dark sucker theory
is that electric bulbs suck dark. Take, for example, the dark suckers
in the room where you are. There is less dark right next to them
than there is elsewhere. The larger the dark sucker, the greater
its capacity to suck dark. Dark suckers in a parking
lot have much greater capacity than the ones in this room.
As with all things, dark suckers
don't last forever. Once they are full of dark, they can no longer
suck. This is proven by the black spot on a full dark sucker.
A candle is a primitive dark sucker. A new candle has a whitewick.
You will notice that after the first use, the wick turns black, representing
all of the dark that has been sucked into it. If you hold a pencil
next to the wick of an operating candle, the tip will turn black because
it got in the way of the dark flowing into the candle.
Unfortunately, these primitive dark
suckers have a very limited range. There are also portable dark suckers.
The bulbs in these can't handle all of the dark by themselves, and must
be aided by a dark storage unit. When the dark storage unit is full, it
must either be emptied or replaced before the portable dark sucker can
operate again.
Dark has mass. When dark goes
into a dark sucker, friction from this mass generates heat. Thus,
it is not wise to touch an operating dark sucker. Candles present
a special problem as the dark must travel into a solid wick instead of
through glass. This generates a great amount of heat. Thus, it can
be very dangerous to touch an operating candle. Dark is also heavier
than light. If you swim just below the surface of a lake, you will
see a lot of light. If you swim deeper and deeper, you notice it
gets slowly darker and darker. When you reach the depth of approximately
50 feet, you are in total darkness. This is because the heavier dark
sinks to the bottom of the lake, and the lighter light floats to the top.
The immense power of dark can be
utilized to man's advantage. We can collect the dark that has settled
to the bottom of lakes and push it through turbines. This generates
electricity and helps push dark to the ocean, where it can be safely stored.
Prior to turbines, it was much more difficult to get dark from the rivers
and lakes to the ocean. The Indians recognized this problem and tried
to solve it. When on a river in a canoe traveling in the same direction
as the flow of the dark, they paddled slowly, so as not to stop the flow
of dark. When they traveled against the flow of dark, they paddled
quickly so as to help push the dark along its way.
Finally, we must prove that dark
is faster than light. If you were to stand in an illuminated room
in front of a closed, dark closet, then slowly open the closet door, you
would see the light slowly enter the closet; but since the dark is so fast,
you would not be able to see the dark leave the closet.
In conclusion, I would like to say
that dark suckers make all our lives much easier. So the next time
you look at an electric light bulb, remember that it is, indeed, a dark
sucker. (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
On Wisdom:
Submitted by Dave Singer
Too often, we lose sight of life's
simple pleasures.
Remember, when someone annoys you,
it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown.
BUT, it only takes 4 muscles to
extend your arm and smack the idiot upside the head.
(TOP) (Back
to Humor Index)
Weasel
Working Won't Work:
Submitted by Dave Singer
Some day, long from now, President
Clinton finishes his time on earth and approaches the Pearly Gates of Heaven.
"And who might you be?" inquires
St. Peter.
"It's me, Bill Clinton, formerly
President of the United States of America and leader of the Free World."
"Oh, Mr. President! What may I do
for you?" asked St. Peter.
"I'd like to come in," replies Clinton.
"Sure," says Peter. "But first you
have to confess your sins. What bad things have you done in your life?"
Clinton bites his lip and answers,
"well, I tried marijuana, but you can't call it dope-smoking because I
didn't inhale. There were extra-marital relationships, but you can't call
it adultery because I didn't have sexual relations. And I made some statement's
that were misleading but legally accurate, but you can't call it bearing
false witness because, as far as I know, it didn't meet the legal standard
for perjury."
With that, St. Peter briefly consults
the Book of Life, and declares, "Ok, here's the deal. We'll send you somewhere
hot, but we won't call it 'Hell'. You'll be there indefinitely, but we
won't call it 'eternity'. And when you enter, you don't have to 'abandon
all hope', just don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over."
(TOP) (Back
to Humor Index)
Being
Creative With Troublesome Kin:
Submitted by Dave Singer
You are working on your family genealogy
and for sake of example, let's say that your great-great uncle, Remus Starr,
a fellow lacking in character, was hanged for horse stealing and train
robbery in Montana in 1889.
A cousin has supplied you with the
only known photograph of Remus, showing him standing on the gallows.
On the back of the picture are the words:
"Remus Starr: Horse thief, sent
to Montana Territorial Prison, 1885. Escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer
six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged, 1889."
Pretty grim situation, right? But
let's revise things a bit. We simply crop the picture, scan in an enlarged
image and edit it with image processing software so that all that is seen
is a head shot.
Next, we rewrite the text:
"Remus Starr was a famous cowboy
in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition
of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad.
Beginning in 1885, he devoted several
years of his life to service at a government facility, finally taking leave
to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player
in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency.
In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his
honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."
By the
way folks: This is really happening by and through our liberal press etc.
throughout the world. History in some cases ie. textbooks has been re-written
to cover up "hide" the true facts including such events as the Holocost.
Remember that Satan is "the deciever" but mankind are his instruments -webmaster
mkdoty. (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
Driving:
Two elderly women were out driving
in a large car-both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising
along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just
went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I
must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes they came
to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went
right though. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure
that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing
it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to
the road and the next intersection to see what was going on. At the next
intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right
through and she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know
we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!
Mildred turned to her and said "Oh,
am I driving?" (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
She
was so blonde..... :
Submitted by Dave Singer (I think Dave is a blonde wanna-be!)
She
was so blonde that….
She thought a quarterback
was a refund.
She tripped over the
cordless phone.
She put lipstick on her
forehead because she wanted to makeup her mind.
She took a ruler to bed to
see how long she slept.
If she spoke her mind, she'd
be speechless.
When she heard that 90% of
all crimes happened around the home, she moved.
Did you hear about the
blonde that got an AM radio? It took her months to figure out she could use it
at night.
What did the blonde say when
she saw the sign in front of the YMCA? "Look! They spelled MACY'S wrong!"
Why can't blondes take
coffee breaks? They're too hard to retrain.
What do you call nine
blondes standing in a circle? A dope ring.
Why can't blondes be
pharmacists? Because they can't fit the bottle in the typewriter.
What do you call a smart
blonde? A golden retriever.
What's the definition of
eternity? Four blondes at a 4-way stop.
What do you call five
blondes at the bottom of the ocean? An air pocket.
What do you call a basement
full of blondes? A whine cellar.
Why do blondes have TGIF on
their shirts? "This Goes In Front."
What did the blonde say when
she looked into a box of Cheerios? ..."Oh, look!! Donut seeds!"
She sent me a fax with a stamp on
it.
She told someone to meet her at
the corner of WALK and DON'T WALK.
At the bottom of the application
where it says "sign here", she put Sagittarius.
Why did the blonde stare at the
frozen orange juice? - Because it said "concentrate"
Called me to get my phone number.
Tried to put M&M's
in alphabetical order.
Tried to drown a
fish.
Got locked in a
grocery store and starved to death.
Asked for a price
check at the Dollar Store.
Studied for a blood
test.
Thought Meow Mix
was a CD for cats.
Took the 22 bus
twice because she missed the 44 bus.
Turned around and
went home when she arrived at the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport
Left." (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
26
Things To Do On An Elevator:
Submitted by Dave Singer
1.) When there's only one other
person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend
it wasn't you.
2.) Push the buttons and pretend
they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
3.) Ask if you can push the button
for other people, but push the wrong ones.
4.) Call the Psychic Hotline from
your cell phone, and ask if they know what floor you're on.
5.) Hold the doors open, and say
that you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close
and say, "Hi Greg, how's your day been??"
6.) Drop a pen, and wait until
someone reaches to help pick it up, and then scream, "That's mine!!"
7.) Bring a camera, and take pictures
of everyone in the elevator.
8.) Move you desk into the elevator,
and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.
9.) Lay down a Twister mat and
ask people if they'd like to play.
10.) Leave a box in the corner,
and when someone gets on, ask if they hear something ticking.
11.) Pretend you are a flight attendant
and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
12.) Ask, "Did you feel that??"
13.) Stand really close to someone,
sniffing them occasionally.
14.) When the doors close, announce
to the others, "It's okay. Don't panic, they'll open up again."
15.) Swat at flies that don't exist.
16.) Tell people that you can see
their aura.
17.) Call out. "GROUP HUG!!" then
enforce it.
18.) Grimace painfully while smacking
your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!!"
19.) Crack open your briefcase
or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there??"
20.) Stand silently and motionless
in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
21.) Stare at another passenger
for a while, then announce in horror, "You're one of THEM", and back away
slowly.
22.) Wear a puppet on your hand,
and use it to talk to the other passengers.
23.) Listen to the elevator walls
with a stethoscope.
24.) Make explosion noises when
anyone presses a button.
25.) Stare grinning at another
passenger for a while, and then announce, "I have new socks on."
26.) Draw a little square on the
floor with chalk, and announce to the other passengers, "This is MY personal
space!!" (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
Lawyer
One-liners:
Submitted by Jay Berkshire
Did you hear about the new sushi
bar that caters exclusively to lawyers? - It's called, Sosumi.
How are an apple and a lawyer alike?
- They both look good hanging from a tree.
How can a pregnant woman tell that
she's carrying a future lawyer? - She has an uncontrollable craving for
baloney.
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were
both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch
or read the paper?
What do you call 25 attorneys buried
up to their chins in cement? - Not enough cement.
What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?
- Skeet.
What do you throw to a drowning
lawyer? - His partners.
What happens when you cross a pig
with a lawyer? - Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.
What's the difference between a
lawyer and a vulture? - Removable wingtips.
Why did God make snakes just before
lawyers? - To practice.
Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
- Professional courtesy. (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
Golfing
In Heaven:
Submitted by Dave Singer
One day Jesus, Moses, and another
guy go out and play golf. All three of them hit their ball in the
water. Moses then parts the water and goes in and hits his ball into
the rough. Jesus then walks out on the water and hits his ball into
the rough. The other guy steps up and all of a sudden, an eagle
swoops down and catches a fish that spits his ball in the hole.
Moses then turns to Jesus and says, 'We aren't playing golf with your dad
anymore.' (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
Sharing
A Moment:
Submitted by Dave Singer (I think Dave sent this one to me With A Purpose, teehee)
A young man saw an elderly couple
sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one
meal and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman artfully divided
the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for
her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft
drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife.
The old man then began to eat, and
his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap. The young man
decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them
so that they didn't have to split theirs. The old gentleman said, "Oh no.
We've been married fifty years, and everything has always been and will
always be shared, 50/50."
The young man then asked the wife
if she was going to eat, and she replied shyly, "It's his turn with the
teeth." (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
A
Christian Thing To Do:
A man is in bed with his wife when
there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock,
and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at
this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't
you going to answer that?" says So he drags himself out of bed, and goes
downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It
didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there,"
slurs the stranger, "can you give me a push??" "No, get lost, it's half
past three. I was in bed," says the man and He goes back up to bed and
tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice
of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way
to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's
house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us
to get lost??" "It doesn't matter," says "He needs our help and it would
be the Christian thing to help him," So the husband gets out of bed again,
gets dressed, and goes He opens the door, and not being able to see the
stranger anywhere he shouts: "Hey, do you still want a push??" and he hears
a voice cry out "Yeah please." So, still being unable to see the stranger
he shouts: "Where are you?" And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on
your swing." (TOP)
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Jonah:
Submitted by Carl Piekarski
There was this Christian lady that
had to do a lot of traveling for her business so she did a lot of flying.
But flying made her nervous so she
always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her. One
time she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her
Bible he gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing. After
awhile he turned to her and asked "You don't really believe all that
stuff in there do you?"
The lady replied "Of course I do.
It is the Bible."
He said "Well what about that guy
that was swallowed by that whale?
She replied "Oh, Jonah. Yes I believe
that, it is in the Bible.
He asked "Well, how do you suppose
he survived all that time inside the whale?"
The lady said "Well I don't really
know. I guess when I get to heaven I will ask him."
"What if he isn't in heaven?" the
man asked sarcastically.
"Then you can ask him." replied
the lady. (TOP)
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