Crime
Blotter:
From ABC New 09/07/99 Crime Blotter
is a regular feature of ABCNEWS.com and is compiled by Geraldine Sealey.
The Associated Press and Reuters contributed to this report.
Crime Blotter
Peculiar Tales of Crime and Criminality
WHY DID THE CHICKENS CROSS THE ROAD?
MONTPELIER, Vt. Believe it or not,
the answer to that age-old question could mean jail time for a Vermont
man.
Day-care operator Gary Schy has
been charged under an arcane Montpelier ordinance that makes it a crime
if one’s chickens fly the coop within city limits.
Although the city attorney said
he was seeking only a $250 fine, Schy, 41, could face up to 30 days in
jail.
According to court records, Schy
was ordered to appear in court after a neighbor complained to police about
Schy’s chickens escaping in July.
Police responded but didn’t see
any chickens loose. The neighbor took photos to police later showing chickens
running free in nearby yards and driveways.
Despite these photographs, Schy
denies guilt.
“I’m not going to say my chickens
have never escaped my yard, but I’m going to plead not guilty,” he said.
Schy has been the subject of other
loose chicken complaints. Court documents show Schy was charged last year
with “failure to contain chicken,” but the charge was dropped after he
made a donation to the city. This time, though, he is facing court.
THE SPOILS OF INCARCERATION
INDEPENDENCE, Iowa Some inmates
may complain that life on the inside is barren of little luxuries such
as microwaves, VCRs and stereos.
But according to jail officials
in Iowa, prison just might be too plush for some Amish cons. Four Amish
inmates jailed for vandalizing a neighbor’s farm last spring were released
early in part because officials feared they were being spoiled by modern
conveniences.
“I thought we better get them out
of here because they were getting too used to it,” said Buchanan County
Jail Administrator Russell West. “I think we were ruining them here.
“The TV, the electric light, telephone
and running water — I think they were starting to like it here.”
Old Order Amish families have no
electricity, no telephones and no other modern conveniences. They ride
horse-drawn buggies instead of automobiles and scorn snaps or zippers in
their clothes.
The four Amish teens pleaded guilty
to third-degree criminal mischief for vandalizing a local farm on March
15 and were to serve 90 days in jail. They were released after 72 days.
DO! CRIME LESSON #1: TOSS THE HOLDUP
NOTE
GULFPORT, Miss. When police saw
a man urinating in public, they picked him up for what they believed would
be a routine disorderly conduct charge.
But when police asked him to empty
his pockets at the station, they were astonished to find a holdup note.
“We’re fortunate that some of these crooks aren’t too intelligent,” said
Gulfport police Capt. Steve Barnes.
Darryl Ellis, 23, of Gulfport,
a beachfront community about 70 miles south of Jackson, was also charged
with robbing People’s Bank in nearby Pass Christian, Miss.
Turns out that Ellis was not only
careless, he lacked ambition, too.
After an investigation, FBI agent
Harry Bowen determined that Ellis walked into the bank and handed a teller
a note saying that he was armed. But he didn’t get much money.
“Typically, we don’t give out information
about how much was involved, but let me say it was a relatively small amount
of money,” Bowen said. (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
My
Favorite Mule Bessie:
Submitted by Dave Singer
Clyde, a farmer in Alabama, decided
his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking
company (responsible for the accident) to court.
In court the trucking company's
fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde.
"Didn't you say at the scene of
the accident, 'I'm fine?'" asked the lawyer.
Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell
you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into
the..."
"I didn't ask for any details,"
the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you or did
you not say 'I'm fine' at the scene of the accident?"
Clyde said, "Well, yes, but I had
just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."
The lawyer interrupted again and
said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the
accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was
just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue
my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to
simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly
interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear
what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie."
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded,
"Well, like I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into
the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck
and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.
I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.
I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I
could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible
shape just by her groans.
"About that time a Highway Patrolman
came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he
went over to her.
"After he looked at her he took
out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
"Then the Patrolman came across
the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me and said, 'And,
how are you feeling?'" (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
Service
with a Smile: (This one
could also go under Think N Ponder!)
A man wrote a letter to a small hotel
in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation. He wrote:
I would very much like to bring
my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be
willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?
An immediate reply came from the
hotel owner, who said, I've been operating this hotel for many years. In
all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes or silverware
or pictures off the walls.
I've never had to evict a dog in
the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never
had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at
my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here,
too.
-
By Karl Alabrecht and Ron Zenke Service
America from Condensed Chicken Soup for the Soul Copyright 1996
by Jack Canfield, Mark Victor Hansen & Patty Hansen (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
Was
it heaven?:
An elderly man lay dying in his
bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate
chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength,
and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made
his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself
down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.
With labored breath, he leaned against
the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony,
he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon
newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite
chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic
love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy
man?
Mustering one great final effort,
he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture.
His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in
his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand,
shakingly made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was
suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.
"Stay out of those," she said, "they're
for the funeral." (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
Watch
Out For That Tree:
Submitted by Dave Singer
A State Trooper pulls a car over
on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver. "Ma'am,
is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road?"
The woman replied, "Oh officer,
thank goodness you're here! I almost had an accident. I looked
up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left
and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved
to the right and there was another tree in front of me!"
Reaching through the side window
to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, "Ma'am... that's your air
freshener." (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
More
Kid's Humor: (or making the parent whiteheaded!)
Our five-year-old son Mark couldn't
wait to tell his father about the movie we had watched on television, "20,000
Leagues Under the Sea."
The scenes with the submarine and
the giant octopus had kept him wide-eyed. In the middle of the telling,
my husband interrupted Mark, "What caused the submarine to sink?" With
a look of incredulity Mark replied, "Dad, it was the 20,000 leaks!"
***************************************
To help our five-year-old son with
the trauma of his pet goldfish's demise, I agreed he could take care of
the goldfish any way he wanted. Expecting him to give the goldfish a proper
burial in our flower garden, I was surprised to receive a call from our
rural area's postmaster."Could you come over?" She asked. "I have something
to show you." I headed right over. "A lot is expected of the post office,"
she said, laughing, "but this is the most amazing delivery we've ever been
asked to make!" On the outside of a business-sized envelope printed in
big blue capital letters I recognised Ben's printing: To God from Ben.
Inside the envelope was a very flat, dead goldfish.
**************************************
A couple had two little boys, ages
8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into
trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their
town, their sons were probably involved.
The boys' mother heard that a clergyman
in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he
would speak with her boys.
The clergyman agreed, but asked
to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the
morning, with the older boy set to see the clergyman in the afternoon.
The clergyman, a huge man with a
booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is
God!?"
The boy's mouth dropped open, but
he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed.
So the clergyman repeated the question
in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?"
Again the boy made no attempt to
answer.
So the clergyman raised his voice
even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS
GOD?"
The boy screamed and bolted from
the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door
behind him.
When his older brother found him
in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for
breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing
- and they think WE did it.
***************************************
A second grader came home from school
and said to her mother, "Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies
today."
The mother, more that a little surprised,
tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said, "How do you make
babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl.
"You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."
***************************************
4 YEAR OLDS
Ever notice how a 4-year-olds voice
is louder than 200 adult voices?
Several years ago, I returned home
from a trip just when a storm hit, with crashing thunder and severe lightning.
As I came into my bedroom about 2 a.m., I found my two children in bed
with my wife, Karen, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself
to sleeping in the guest bedroom that night.
The next day, I talked to the children,
and explained that it was OK to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad,
but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night. They
said OK.
After my next trip several weeks
later, Karen and the children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed
time. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to
wait for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting
for their arriving passengers.
As I entered the waiting area, my
son saw me, and came running shouting, "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!"
As I waved back, I said loudly, "What is the good news?" "The good news
is that nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" Alex shouted.
The airport became very quiet, as
everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then
searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who
his Mom was.
***************************************
Teenagers Defined
Contributed by Travis R. Grant
The Cameron Column
Copyright W. Bruce Cameron 1997
Teenager (noun)
1. A mammal found extensively throughout
the planet, often clustered in groups in front of television sets (See
SLOTHS.) Thought to be a member of Homo Sapiens due to physical similarities,
though social and emotional behavior leads many researchers to consider
Teenagers to be a completely different species altogether (See PARENTS.)
Very territorial. (See ITS MY ROOM STAY OUT OF MY ROOM.)
Teenagers are extraordinarily social
animals, seeking contact with their peer groups to such a great extent
they will forgo family, chores, food, and responsibility (See FATHERS,
QUOTATIONS OF.) The males of the species forage for food constantly (See
MCDONALD'S) and can consume three times their weight every day. When in
full plumage, the males are usually drab, marked by loose fitting garments
which slide off their backsides and look ridiculous (See FATHERS, QUOTATIONS
OF.)
The females, on the other hand,
sport striking colors under their eyes, throughout their hair, and on the
tips of their fingers. Females often attract males by wearing garments
to accentuate chest development (See WONDER BRAS.) Males indicate their
approval by staring at the display (See FATHERS, HEART ATTACKS OF.) The
call of the female is complex and shrill: Like, O m'Gosh! O m' Gosh! Males
are less vocal, signaling to other males with a salutatory Yo. Yo. Yo.
S'up? S'up? S'up?
Teenagers line their nests with
discarded undergarments. The females hold telephone receivers to their
ears an average of six hours a day. When challenged for possession, they
snarl and warn intruders, I'm doing my HOMEWORK. My HOMEWORK. My HOMEWORK.
The males lie immobile for hours at a time, conserving energy and listening
to violent electronic signals from radios.
Male Teenagers concentrate on important
information (See FATHERS, LECTURES OF) by rolling their eyes, shrugging,
kicking dirt and sighing. Females burst into tears and slam doors. Many
Homo Sapiens families have a host-to-parasite relationship with one (See
STRESS) or more than one (See EXTREME STRESS) Teenager. These host families
often develop a resistance to the parasite, rejecting them some time in
the eighteenth year of life. Often, though, this rejection is merely theoretical,
with the Teenager continuing to live off of the host Homo Sapiens family
for many years afterward, often at great sacrifice (See COLLEGE.)
2. Of, relating to, and especially
EXPLAINING irrational, intolerable, or inexplicable behavior. (She's a
Teenager.)
3. A request for sympathy, offered
by adult parents to each other in support. (I have a Teenager at home.)
Often accompanied by sighs, headshaking, tongue clucking, and shoulder
shrugging.
******************************************
The Kittens
Jessica R Koehler
A three-year-old boy went with his
dad to see a new litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly
informed his mother, There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens.
How did you know that? his mother
asked.
Daddy picked them up and looked
underneath, he replied. I think it's printed on the bottom.
AND NOW EVEN MORE!!!:
Never trust a dog to watch
your food." - > Patrick, age 10
"When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?'
don't answer." -> Hannah, age 9
"When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush
your hair. " -> Taylia, age 11
"Never tell your mom her
diet's not working. " -> Michael, age 14
"Never pee on an electric fence. " ->
Robert, age 13
"Don't pull Dad's finger when he tells you to. " ->
Emily, age 10
"Never let your three-year old brother in the same room as your school
assignment. " -> Traci, age 14
"Don't sneeze in front of mom when you're eating crackers.
" -> Mitchell, age 12
"A puppy always has bad breath -- even after
eating a Tic-Tac." -> Andrew, age 9
"Never hold a Dustbuster and a
cat at the same time." -> Kyoyo, age 9
"You can't hide a piece of
broccoli in a glass of milk." -> Armir, age 9
"If you want a kitten, start
out by asking for a horse." -> Naomi, age 15
"Felt-tip markers are not
good to use as lipstick. " -> Lauren, age 9
"Don't pick on
your little brother when he's holding a baseball bat. " ->
Joel, age 10
"When you get a bad grade in
school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone. " ->
Alyesha, age 13
"Don't wear polka-dot
underwear under white shorts. " -> Kellie, age 11
"Never try to baptize a cat.
" - > Eileen, age 8
(TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
Baby
Humor: (Actual Baa-Baahs!)
Definitions of Babyhood:
-
AMNESIA:
-
Condition that enables a woman who
has gone through labor to have sex again.
-
DUMBWAITER:
-
One who asks if the kids would care
to order dessert.
-
FAMILY PLANNING:
-
The art of spacing your children the
proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
-
FEEDBACK:
-
The inevitable result when the baby
doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
-
FULL NAME:
-
What you call your child when you're
mad at him.
-
GRANDPARENTS:
-
The people who think your children
are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
-
HEARSAY:
-
What toddlers do when anyone mutters
a dirty word.
-
IMPREGNABLE:
-
A woman whose memory of labour is still
vivid.
-
INDEPENDENT:
-
How we want our children to be as long
as they do everything we say.
-
OW:
-
The first word spoken by children with
older siblings.
-
PRENATAL:
-
When your life was still somewhat your
own.
-
PUDDLE:
-
A small body of water that draws other
small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
-
SHOW OFF:
-
A child who is more talented than yours.
-
STERILIZE:
-
What you do to your first baby's pacifier
by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
-
TOP BUNK:
-
Where you should never put a child
wearing Superman jammies.
-
TWO-MINUTE WARNING:
-
When the baby's face turns red and
she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
-
VERBAL:
-
Able to whine in words.
-
WHODUNIT:
-
None of the kids that live in your
house.
*******************************************
THAT DARN BABY
An old country doctor went way out
to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out; there was no electricity.
When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the labouring mother
and her 5-year-old child.
The doctor instructed the child
to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver
the baby. The child did so, the mother pushed and after a little while,
the doctor lifted the new-born baby by the feet and spanked him on the
bottom to get him to take his first breath. The doctor then asked the 5-year-old
what he thought of the baby.
"Hit him again," the 5-year-old
said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!"
************************************
Two babies were sat in their cribs,
when one baby shouted to the other, "Are you a little girl or a little
boy?"
"I don't know," replied the other
baby giggling.
"What do you mean, you don't know?"
said the first baby.
"I mean I don't know how to tell
the difference," was the reply.
"Well, I do," said the first baby
chuckling.
"I'll climb into your crib and find
out."
He carefully maneuvered himself
into the other baby's crib, then quickly disappeared beneath the blankets.
After a couple of minutes, he resurfaced
with a big grin on his face.
"You're a little girl, and I'm a
little boy," he said proudly.
"You're ever so clever," cooed the
baby girl, "but how can you tell?"
"It's quite easy really," replied
the baby boy, "you've got pink booties and I've got blue ones." (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
Murphy's
Law of Parenthood - And Other Parenting Laws:
1. Everything your parents did was
wrong.
2. Now that you're a parent, everything
you do is wrong.
3. Your children will take credit
for anything that happens to go right.
Corollary: The harder you try not
to, the more likely you are to repeat your parent's past mistakes.
The First Law of Parenthood:
Nobody really wants your job, but
everybody thinks they can do it better.
The Second Law of Parenthood:
Those who think they can do it better
messed up when they had the chance.
The Law of Parental Advice:
No matter what advice you give your
children, they will ignore 80 percent and misinterpret the rest
The Law of Expertology:
The solution to any parenting problem
depends on which expert you ask.
The Law of Grandmotherly Omniscience:
Your mother knows best. About everything.
And she'll never let you forget it. Corollary: You didn't listen when you
were young. And you still don't.
The Law of Good and Bad Genes:
Bad traits are inherited from your
spouse's side of the family. Good traits are inherited from your side of
the family
The Linen Law:
The night after you change your
toddler's bedsheets, he'll wet the bed.
The First Law of Literature:
Your child's favourite book is the
one you hate the most. Your favourite children's book is the one your child
ignores
The Law of Lost Toys:
Any toys your child brings to a
friend's house will be left there. (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
Clinical
Childhood (Research Inherent):
Childhood is a syndrome which has
only recently begun to receive serious attention from clinicians. The syndrome
itself, however, is not at all recent. As early as the 8th century, the
Persian historian Kidnom made references to "short, noisy creatures," who
may well have been what we now call "children." The treatment of children,
however, was unknown until this century, when so-called "child psychologists"
and "child psychiatrists" became common. Despite this history of clinical
neglect, it has been estimated that well over half of all Americans alive
today have experienced childhood directly (Suess, 1983). In fact, the actual
numbers are probably much higher, since these data are based on self-reports
which may be subject to social desirability biases and retrospective distortion.
The growing acceptance of childhood
as a distinct phenomenon is reflected in the proposed inclusion of the
syndrome in the upcoming Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders,
4th edition, or DSM-IV, of the American Psychiatric Association (1990).
Clinicians are still in disagreement about the significant clinical features
of childhood, but the proposed DSM-IV will almost certainly include the
following core features:
Congenital onset
Dwarfism
Emotional lability and immaturity
Knowledge deficits
Legume anorexia
Clinical Features of Childhood
Although the focus of this paper
is on the efficacy of conventional treatment of childhood, the five clinical
markers mentioned above merit further discussion for those unfamiliar with
this patient population.
Congenital Onset
In one of the few existing literature
reviews on childhood, Temple-Black (1982) has noted that childhood is almost
always present at birth, although it may go undetected for years or even
remain subclinical indefinitely. This observation has led some investigators
to speculate on a biological contribution to childhood. As one psychologist
has put it, "we may soon be in a position to distinguish organic childhood
from functional childhood" (Rogers, 1979).
Dwarfism
This is certainly the most familiar
marker of childhood. It is widely known that children are physically short
relative to the population at large. Indeed, common clinical wisdom suggests
that the treatment of the so-called "small child" (or "tot") is particularly
difficult. These children are known to exhibit infantile behavior and display
a startling lack of insight (Tom and Jerry, 1967).
Emotional Lability and Immaturity
This aspect of childhood is often
the only basis for a clinician's diagnosis. As a result, many otherwise
normal adults are misdiagnosed as children and must suffer the unnecessary
social stigma of being labeled a "child" by professionals and friends alike.
Knowledge Deficits
While many children have IQ's with
or even above the norm, almost all will manifest knowledge deficits. Anyone
who has known a real child has experienced the frustration of trying to
discuss any topic that requires some general knowledge. Children seem to
have little knowledge about the world they live in. Politics, art, and
science -- children are largely ignorant of these. Perhaps it is because
of this ignorance, but the sad fact is that most children have few friends
who are not, themselves, children.
Legume Anorexia
This last identifying feature is
perhaps the most unexpected. Folk wisdom is supported by empirical observation
-- children will rarely eat their vegetables (see Popeye, 1957, for review).
Causes of Childhood
Now that we know what it is, what
can we say about the causes of childhood? Recent years have seen a flurry
of theory and speculation from a number of perspectives. Some of the most
prominent are reviewed below. Sociological Model Emile Durkind was perhaps
the first to speculate about sociological causes of childhood. He points
out two key observations about children:
1.the vast majority of children
are unemployed, and
2.children represent one of the
least educated segments of our society.
In fact, it has been estimated that
less than 20% of children have had more than fourth grade education. Clearly,
children are an ``out-group.'' Because of their intellectual handicap,
children are even denied the right to vote. From the sociologist's perspective,
treatment should be aimed at helping assimilate children into mainstream
society. Unfortunately, some victims are so incapacitated by their childhood
that they are simply not competent to work. One promising rehabilitation
program (Spanky and Alfalfa, 1978) has trained victims of severe childhood
to sell lemonade.
Biological Model
The observation that childhood is
usually present from birth has led some to speculate on a biological contribution.
An early investigation by Flintstone and Jetson (1939) indicated that childhood
runs in families. Their survey of over 8,000 American families revealed
that over half contained more than one child. Further investigation revealed
that even most non-child family members had experienced childhood at some
point. Cross-cultural studies (e.g., Mowgli & Din, 1950) indicate that
family childhood is even more prevalent in the Far East. For example, in
Indian and Chinese families, as many as three out of four family members
may have childhood. Impressive evidence of a genetic component of childhood
comes from a large-scale twin study by Brady and Partridge (1972). These
authors studied over 106 pairs of twins, looking at concordance rates for
childhood. Among identical or monozygotic twins, concordance was unusually
high (0.92), i.e., when one twin was diagnosed with childhood, the other
twin was almost always a child as well.
Psychological Models
A considerable number of psychologically-based
theories of the development of childhood exist. They are too numerous to
review here. Among the more familiar models are Seligman's "learned childishness"
model. According to this model, individuals who are treated like children
eventually give up and become children. As a counterpoint to such theories,
some experts have claimed that childhood does not really exist. Szasz (1980)
has called "childhood" an expedient label. In seeking conformity, we handicap
those whom we find unruly or too short to deal with by labeling them "children."
Treatment of Childhood
Efforts to treat childhood are as
old as the syndrome itself. Only in modern times, however, have humane
and systematic treatment protocols been applied. In part, this increased
attention to the problem may be due to the sheer number of individuals
suffering from childhood. Government statistics (DHHS) reveal that there
are more children alive today than at any time in our history. To paraphrase
P.T. Barnum: "There's a child born every minute."
The overwhelming number of children
has made government intervention inevitable. The nineteenth century saw
the institution of what remains the largest single program for the treatment
of childhood -- so-called "public schools." Under this colossal program,
individuals are placed into treatment groups based on the severity of their
condition. For example, those most severely afflicted may be placed in
a "kindergarten" program. Patients at this level are typically short, unruly,
emotionally immature, and intellectually deficient. Given this type of
individual, therapy is essentially one of patient management and of helping
the child master basic skills (e.g. finger-painting). Unfortunately, the
"school" system has been largely ineffective. Not only is the program a
massive tax burden, but it has failed even to slow down the rising incidence
of childhood. Faced with this failure and the growing epidemic of childhood,
mental health professionals are devoting increasing attention to the treatment
of childhood. Given a theoretical framework by Freud's landmark treatises
on childhood, child psychiatrists and psychologists claimed great successes
in their clinical interventions. By the 1950's, however, the clinicians'
optimism had waned. Even after years of costly analysis, many victims remained
children. The following case (taken from Gumbie & Pokey 1957) is typical.
Billy J., age 8, was brought
to treatment by his parents. Billy's affliction was painfully obvious.
He stood only 4'3" high and weighed a scant 70 lbs., despite the fact that
he ate voraciously.
Billy presented a variety
of troubling symptoms. His voice was noticeably high for a man. He displayed
legume anorexia, and, according to his parents, often refused to bathe.
His intellectual functioning was also below normal -- he had little general
knowledge and could barely write a structured sentence. Social skills were
also deficient. He often spoke inappropriately and exhibited "whining behaviour."
His sexual experience was non-existent. Indeed, Billy considered women
"icky." His parents reported that his condition had been present from birth,
improving gradually after he was placed in a school at age 5. The diagnosis
was "primary childhood." After years of painstaking treatment, Billy improved
gradually. At age 11, his height and weight have increased, his social
skills are broader, and he is now functional enough to hold down a "paper
route."
After years of this kind of frustration,
startling new evidence has come to light which suggests that the prognosis
in cases of childhood may not be all gloom. A critical review by Fudd (1972)
noted that studies of the childhood syndrome tend to lack careful follow-up.
Acting on this observation, Moe, Larrie, and Kirly (1974) began a large-scale
longitudinal study. These investigators studied two groups. The first group
consisted of 34 children currently engaged in a long-term conventional
treatment program. The second was a group of 42 children receiving no treatment.
All subjects had been diagnosed as children at least 4 years previously,
with a mean duration of childhood of 6.4 years. At the end of one year,
the results confirmed the clinical wisdom that childhood is a refractory
disorder -- virtually all symptoms persisted and the treatment group was
only slightly better off than the controls. The results, however, of a
careful 10-year follow-up were startling. The investigators (Moe, Larrie,
Kirly, & Shemp, 1984) assessed the original cohort on a variety of
measures. General knowledge and emotional maturity were assessed with standard
measures. Height was assessed by the "metric system" (see Ruler, 1923),
and legume appetite by the Vegetable Appetite Test (VAT) designed by Popeye
(1968). Moe et al. found that subjects improved uniformly on all measures.
Indeed, in most cases, the subjects appeared to be symptom-free. Moe et
al. report a spontaneous remission rate of 95%, a finding which is certain
to revolutionize the clinical approach to childhood.
These recent results suggests that
the prognosis for victims of childhood may not be so bad as we have feared.
We must not, however, become too complacent. Despite its apparently high
spontaneous remission rate, childhood remains one of the most serious and
rapidly growing disorders facing mental health professional today. And,
beyond the psychological pain it brings, childhood has recently been linked
to a number of physical disorders. Twenty years ago, Howdi, Doodi, and
Beauzeau (1965) demonstrated a six-fold increased risk of chicken pox,
measles, and mumps among children as compared with normal controls. Later,
Barby and Kenn (1971) linked childhood to an elevated risk of accidents
-- compared with normal adults, victims of childhood were much more likely
to scrape their knees, lose their teeth, and fall off their bikes.
Clearly, much more research is needed
before we can give any real hope to the millions of victims wracked by
this insidious disorder. (TOP)
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The Hill:
Long past midnight hours before dawn
I jumped up from my bed and pulled
my longjohns on.
Peeking out the window, the snow
has stared to fall.
Slipping on my overalls, I raced
quickly down the hall.
Rushing to the closet, grasping
my old warp,
I throw it over my shoulder, give
the button a snap.
Working all ten fingers, through
the holes of much worn mitts,
I stick my feet into the boots
that thankfully still fit.
Faster than is possible, I head
straight for the door.
Behind me I am dragging a sled
for years before.
The wind is loud and howling, snow
is blowing all around.
Already what has fallen has covered
the ground.
Tramping through the deepness,
only my footprint to see,
I head straight for the meadow;
the hill is waiting for me.
A few more steps, I reach my goal,
as always in the past
I'll be the first to sled this
hill, and I'll be the very last.
Breathing in the cool night air,
I witness the year's first snow.
Perhaps this is my favorite spot,
in all sights I know.
Holding tight in a world of silence,
I shove off with my feet.
Wind is picking up my hair, snow
hits against my teeth.
Traveling faster and faster, I
struggle not to tip.
Stretching out my snow-damp legs,
I lean from hip to hip.
What a big delight, this morn has
given thee.
As all years before have done,
when it's just this hill and me.
Now if I do my best to hurry, I
can take another run.
The sun will soon be rising, the
day will have begun.
But befrore that can happen, I
must be back in bed.
For whatever would the children
think.
..if they knew Grandma used their
sled!
Betty J. Reid from Chicken Soup
for the Unsinkable Soul Copyright 1999 by Jack Canfield, Mark Victor
Hansen (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
Why
did the Chicken cross the Road?: Explanations!
Submitted by Dave Singer
KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to
the other side.
PLATO: For the greater good.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of
chickens to cross roads.
HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess
of phlegm in its pancreas.
MOSES: And God came down from the
Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And
the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
BUDDHA: Asking this question
denies your own chicken nature.
MACHIAVELLI: The point is that
the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road
justifies whatever motive there was.
KARL MARX: It was a historical
inevitability.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision
a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their
motives called into question.
FREUD: The fact that you are at
all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying
sexual insecurity.
DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods
of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically
disposed to cross roads.
RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken
did not cross the road, it transcended it.
EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed
the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame
of reference.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the
rain.
TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the
only trip the establishment would let it take.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly
go where no chicken has gone before.
JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone
cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, What the heck
was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"
OLIVER STONE: The question is not,
"Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing
the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the
chicken crossing?"
COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?
RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did
not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.
SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked
act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve
gas on it.
KENNETH STARR: Because of the Whitewater
deal. (TOP)
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