Careers
with the CIA!:
Submitted by Dave Singer
A few months ago, there was an opening
with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are
hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved
before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some
applicants through the background checks, training and testing,
they narrowed the possible choices down to 2 men and a woman,
but only one position was available. The day came for the final test to
see which person would get the extremely secretive job.
The CIA men administering
the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We
must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances,"
they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a
chair. Take this gun and kill her. "The man got a shocked look on
his face and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own
wife!" "Well," says the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for
this job then."
So they bring the second man to
the same door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions
not matter what the circumstances," the explained to the second man. "Inside
you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."
The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and
went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened.
The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot
her I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not
the right man for the job." "No" the CIA man replied, "You don't have what
it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Now they're down to the woman left
to test. Again they lead her to the same door to the same room and handed
her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no
matter what the circumstances, this is your final test. Inside you will
find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The
woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all
the way the CIA men heard the gun start firing. One shot after another
for 13 shots. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This
went on for several minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly
and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said,
"You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat
him to death with the chair!" (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
Another
Way To Bath A Cat!:
Submitted by Dave Singer
1. Thoroughly
clean the toilet.
2. Add the required
amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.
3. Obtain the
cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
4. In one smooth
movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. (You may
need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape.)
CAUTION: Do not get any part of
your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any
purchase they can find.
5. Flush the
toilet three or four times. This provides "powerwash and rinse" which
I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone
open the door to the outside, and ensure that there are no people between
the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind
the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids. The now-clean
cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside where he will dry himself.
Sincerely,
A DOG OWNER (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
Hickbonics!:
Submitted by Dave Singer
Remedial English at Florida State:
Or how to graduate while keeping your football scholarship
A bill is before the Florida Legislature
to make southern slang, or Hickbonics, the official language of the state.
What follows are excerpts from the Hickbonics/English dictionary:
HEIDI - (noun) -Greeting. HIRE YEW
- Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting. Usage: Heidi, Hire yew?"
BARD - (verb) - Past tense of the
infinitive "to borrow." Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."
JAWJUH - (noun) - The State north
of Florida. Capitol is Lanner. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup
truck."
BAMMER - (noun) - The State west
of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayum. Usage: "A tornada jes went through Bammer
an left $20,000,000 in improvements."
MUNTS - (noun) - A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from
him in munts."
THANK - (verb) - Ability to cognitively
assess. Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."
BARE - (noun) - An alcoholic beverage
made of barley, hops, and yeast. Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."
IGNERT - (adjective) - Not smart.
See "Arkansas native." Usage: "Them bammer boys sure are ignert!"
RANCH - (noun) - A tool used for
tight'nin' bolts. Usage: "I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup
truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."
AWL - (noun) - A petroleum-based
lubricant. Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts awl in my pickup
truck."
FAR - (noun) - A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the awl in my pickup truck,
that thing's gonna catch far."
TAR - (noun) - A rubber wheel. Usage:
"Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my
pickup truck."
TIRE - (noun) - A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willin and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that
Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."
RETARD - (verb) - To stop working.
Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."
FAT - (noun), (verb) - a battle
or combat; to engage in battle or combat. Usage: "You younguns keep fatin,
en ahm gonna whup y'all."
RATS - (noun) - Entitled power or
privilege. Usage: "We Southerners are willin to fat for are rats."
FARN - (adjective) - Not domestic.
Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed...must be from some farn country."
DID - (adjective) - Not alive. Usage:
"He's did, Jim."
EAR - (noun) - A colorless, odorless
gas: Oxygen. Usage: "He cain't breathe...give im some ear!"
BOB WAR - (noun) - A sharp, twisted
cable. Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."
JEW HERE - (noun) and (verb) contraction.
Usage: "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war
fence cumpny?"
HAZE - a contraction. Usage: "Is
Bubba smart?" "Nah...haze ignert. He ain't thanked but a minnit'n is laf."
SEED - (verb) - past tense of "to
see". Usage: "I's seed em high taylin yit otta ear."
VIEW - contraction: (verb) and pronoun.
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City... view?"
GUBMINT - (noun) - A bureaucratic
institution. Usage: "Them gubmint boys shore is ignert. (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
Dear
God Questions & Thoughts:
Submitted by Jay Berkshire
Dear GOD, Instead of letting people
die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have?
- Jane
Dear GOD, Maybe Cain and Abel would
not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with
my brother. - Larry
Dear GOD, If You watch me in church
on Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes. - Mickey
Dear GOD, I bet it is very hard
for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people
in our family and I can never do it. - Nan
Dear GOD, In school they told us
what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation? - Jane
Dear GOD, I read the Bible. What
does "begat" mean? Nobody will tell me. Love, Alison
Dear GOD, Are You really invisible
or is it just a trick? - Lucy
Dear GOD, Is it true my father
won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house? - Anita
Dear GOD, Did You mean for the
giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? - Norma
Dear GOD, Who draws the lines around
the countries? - Nan
Dear GOD, I went to this wedding
and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? - Neil
Dear GOD, What does it mean You
are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything. - Jane
Dear GOD, Did You really mean "do
unto others as they do unto you"? Because if You did, then
I'm going to fix my brother. - Darla
Dear GOD, Thank you for the baby
brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. - Joyce
Dear GOD, It rained for our whole
vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about You that people
are not supposed to say, but I hope You will not hurt him anyway. Your
friend, (But I am not going to tell You who I am)
Dear GOD, Why is Sunday school
on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest. - Tom L.
Dear GOD, Please send me a pony.
I never asked for anything before. You can look it up. - Bruce
Dear GOD, If we come back as something
else, please don't let me be Mary Horton - because I hate her. - Denise
Dear GOD, If you give me a genie
like Aladdin, I will give You anything You want, except my money or my
chess set. - Raphael
Dear GOD, I want to be just like
my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair all over. - Sam
Dear GOD, You don't have to worry
about me. I always look both ways. - Dean
Dear GOD, I think the stapler is
one of your greatest inventions. - Ruth M.
Dear GOD, I think about You sometimes
even when I'm not praying. - Elliott
Dear GOD, Of all the people who
work for You I like Noah and David the best. - Rob
Dear GOD, My brother told me about
being born but it doesn't sound right. They're just kidding, aren't they?
- Marsha
Dear GOD, I would like to live
900 years like the guy in the Bible. - Love, Chris
Dear GOD, We read Thomas Edison
made light. But in Sunday school they said You did it. So I bet he stole
your idea. - Sincerely, Donna
Dear GOD, The bad people laughed
at Noah - "You made an ark on dry land, you fool." But he was smart, he
stuck with You. That's what I would do. - Eddie
Dear GOD, I do not think anybody
could be a better GOD. Well, I just want You to know but I am not just
saying that because You are GOD already. - Charles
Dear GOD, I didn't think orange
went with purple until I saw the sunset You made on Tuesday. That was cool.
- Eugene (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
Sixteen
Steps To Build A Campfire:
Submitted by Dave Singer
1. Split dead limb into fragments
and shave one fragment into slivers.
2. Bandage left thumb.
3. Chop other fragments into
smaller fragments
4. Bandage left foot.
5. Make structure of slivers
(include those embedded in hand)
6. Light Match
7. Light Match
8. Repeat "a Scout is cheerful"
and light match.
9. Apply match to slivers,
add wood fragments, and blow gently into base of fire.
10. Apply burn ointment to
nose.
11. When fire is burning,
collect more wood.
12. Upon discovering that
fire has gone out while out searching for more wood, soak wood from can
labeled "kerosene."
13. Treat face and arms for
second-degree burns.
14. Relabel can to read "gasoline."
15. When fire is burning
well, add all remaining firewood.
16. When thunder storm has
passed, repeat steps. (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
Definitions
of an Engineer:
Submitted by Dave Singer
Q: What is the definition of an
engineer?
A: Someone who solves a problem
you didn't know you had, in a way you don't understand.
Q: When does a person decide to
become an engineer?
A: When he realizes he doesn't
have the charisma to be an undertaker.
Q: What do engineers use for birth
control?
A: Their personalities.
Q: How can you tell an extroverted
engineer?
A: When he talks to you, he looks
at your shoes instead of his own.
Q: Why did the engineers cross
the road?
A: Because they looked in the file
and that's what they did last year.
Q: How do you drive an engineer
completely insane?
A: Tie him to a chair, stand in
front of him, and fold up a road map the wrong way.
You might be an engineer if...:
1) Choosing to buy flowers
for your girlfriend or upgrading your RAM is a moral dilemma.
2) You take a cruise so you
can go on a personal tour of the engine room.
3) In College you thought
Spring Break was metal fatigue failure.
4) The sales people at the
local computer store can't answer any of your questions.
5) At an air show you know
how fast the skydivers are falling.
6) You can type 70 words
per minute but can't read your own handwriting.
7) You sit backwards on the
Disneyland rides to see how they do the special effects.
8) You have more friends
on the Internet than in real life.
9) You know what http://
stands for.
10) You see a good design and still
have to change it.
11) You spent more on your calculator
than you did on your wife's wedding ring.
12) You think that people yawning
around you are sleep deprived.
13) You window shop at Radio Shack
14) Your laptop computer costs
more than your car.
15) You've already calculated how
much you make per second.
16) You've tried to repair a $5
radio. (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
Shorts:
News Flash, Y2K Preparedness:
Submitted by Dave Singer
NEWS FLASH:
POLAND'S worst air disaster occurred
today when a small two seat Cessna 152 crashed into a cemetery early this
afternoon in central Poland.
Polish search and rescue workers
have recovered 726 bodies so far and officials expect that number to climb
as the digging continues into the evening.
*******************************
Y2K Prepare!:
You can't say you haven't been
warned! Please take time out of your busy lives to check your
toilet paper stockpile. Make sure it's Y2K compliant!!!
Word has it, if it isn't, come January
1, 2000, it will roll back to 1900 and turn into a Sears Catalog!!!!!
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!! (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
Best
T-Shirt Slogans:
Submitted by Dave Singer
"Princess, Having Had Sufficient
Experience -- With Princes, Seeks Frog"
"(on the back of a passing motorcyclist)
-- If You Can Read This, My Wife Fell Off"
"I Used To Be Schizophrenic, But
We're OK Now"
"Veni, Vedi, Visa: --
I came. I Saw. I Did a Little Shopping."
"What If The Hokey Pokey Is Really
What It's All About"
"I Didn't Climb to the Top of the
Food Chain to Be a Vegetarian"
"(Front) Yale Is Just One
Big Party -- (Back) With a $25,000 Cover Charge"
"Coffee, Chocolate, Men...
-- Some Things Are Just Better Rich"
"Liberal Arts Major... --
Will Think For Money"
"Growing Old is Inevitable;
-- Growing Up is Optional"
"IRS -- Be Audit You Can Be"
"Gravity...It's Not Just a Good
Idea. -- It's the Law."
"If You Want Breakfast In Bed,
Sleep In the Kitchen"
"If At First You Don't Succeed,
-- Skydiving Isn't For You"
"Old Age Comes at a Bad Time"
"In America, Anyone Can Be President.
-- That's One of the Risks You Take."
"First Things First, --
but Not Necessarily in That Order "
"Filthy Stinking Rich... Well,
Two Out of Three Ain't Bad"
"Real Men Don't Waste Their Hormones
Growing Hair"
"I Used Up All My Sick Days...
So I Called In Dead"
"Husband and Cat Lost... Reward
for Cat"
"Be Nice to Your Children... They'll
Pick Your Nursing Home"
"Husbands Should Come With Instructions"
"Upon the Advice of My Attorney,
My Shirt Bears No Message at This Time"
"Even If You Lead a Good Life,
Go to Church and Say Your Prayers, You'll Still Go to Miami When You Die"
"I Want It All and I Want It Delivered...
Now ! "
"Bigamy Is Having One Wife Too
Many. Monogamy Is the Same"
"Happiness Is Seeing Your Mother-in-Law
on a Milk Carton"
"Just Give Me Chocolate and Nobody
Gets Hurt"
"Learn from Your Parents' Mistakes...
Use Birth Control"
"60-Year-Old, One Owner, Needs
Parts... Make Offer"
"If God Had Wanted Me to Touch
My Toes, He Would Have Put Them on My Knees"
"If You Can Read This...Kiss A
Teacher"
"A Nest Isn't Empty Until All Their
Stuff Is Out of the Attic"
"That's It! I'm Calling Grandma!"
"Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things
I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up"
"I Yell Because I Care"
"If You Remember the '60s, You
Weren't Really There"
"Procrastinate Now"
"Rehab Is for Quitters"
"Re-Elect Nobody"
(Across a drawing of a skeleton)
"Waiting for the Perfect Man"
"My Husband and I Married for Better
or Worse... He Couldn't do Better and I Couldn't Do Worse"
"My Dog Can Lick Anyone"
"Never Underestimate the Power
of Stupid People in Large Groups"
(On a baby-size shirt) "Party -
My Crib - Two A.M."
"I Don't Suffer from Insanity....
I'm a Carrier"
"The More I Learn About Women,
the More I Love My Harley"
"I'm Not 50. I'm $49.95 Plus Shipping
& Handling "
"You Who Think You Know It All
Are Very Annoying to Those of Us Who Do"
"I Am the Person Your Parents Warned
You About"
"The Two Most Common Elements in
the Universe Are Hydrogen and Stupidity"
"I'm Not Getting Older....I'm Getting
Meaner "
"It IS As Bad As You Think, and
They ARE Out to Get You"
"I'm on a 30-Day Diet. So Far I've
Lost 15 Days"
"Why Is 'Abbreviation' Such a Long
Word?"
"There Are Three Kinds of People...
Those Who Can Count and Those Who Can't"
"Familiarity Breeds"
"Proofread Carefully to See If
You Any Words Out"
"Your Kid May Be an Honor Student,
But You're Still an idiot"
"When You Do a Good Deed, Get a
Receipt, in Case Heaven Is Like the IRS"
"Sometimes I Fantasize That I'm
Rich Enough to Be a Republican"
"A Freudian Slip Is When You Say
One Thing But Mean Your Mother"
"Disregard Last T-Shirt"
"I Do Whatever the Voices Tell
Me to Do"
"I'm Retired and This Is As Dressed
Up As I'm Gonna Get"
"I'm Not 50--I'm 18 with 32 Years
Experience"
"Parents of Teenagers Know Why
Animals Eat Their Young"
"My Wife Says I Don't Listen to
Her...Well ? "
"Over the Hill? What Hill? I Didn't
See Any Hill!"
"I'm Not Unemployed... I'm a Consultant"
"All I Ask Is That You Try Me "
"Goodbye Tension... Hello Pension"
"STRESS is when you wake up screaming and you realize you
haven't fallen asleep yet."
"HERE I AM! Now what are your other two wishes?"
"TOO MANY FREAKS - NOT ENOUGH CIRCUSES."
"CHAOS, PANIC, AND DISORDER - My work here is done."
"BACK OFF! You're standing in my aura."
"ADULT CHILD OF ALIEN INVADERS"
"I FOUND JESUS! He was behind the sofa the whole time."
"SEE NO EVIL. HEAR NO EVIL. DATE NO EVIL."
"If I throw a stick, will you leave?"
"I STARTED OUT WITH NOTHING and I still have most of it left."
"I LIKE CATS, TOO. Let's exchange recipes."
"If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat."
"Better living through denial!"
"Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?"
"Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after."
"Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth!" (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
You
Might Be A Coloradoan IF....:
Submitted by Dave Singer
... You carry your $3,000 mountain
bike on top of your $500 car.
... You thought "Californication"
would be banned by Amendment 2.
... You're actually proud of "South
Park."
... You have a business degree
and are frying burgers at McDonald's.
... You have a fat tire in your
refrigerator and your garage.
... You tell your husband to pick
up granola on his way home from work and he stops at the day care.
... You own a big dog named Aspen,
Buck or Cheyenne that wears a bandanna.
... You cast out your fishing line
while white-water rafting.
... You've never seen the tourist
attractions in your own city.
... All summer you thought a redneck
named "Bubby" was gonna be your quarterback.
... A pass does not involve a football
or a woman.
... You are 82 years old and take
up snowboarding.
... Your SUV tire size exceeds
your IQ.
... Your real Y2K fear is running
out of Celestial Seasonings tea and trail mix.
... The entire top of your head
is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
... You personally wouldn't pay
$10 per head to drive up Pikes Peak unless it was the only mountain on
earth ... but you tell all your house-guests to do it.
... You can recite the entire Bible
from memory, but can't remember to use your turn signal (oh those
Co. Springs folk).
... You get depressed after one
day of foggy weather.
... You wear the latest fashions
a year after they went out of style.
... You think that formal wear
is ironed denim.
... North means "mountains to the
left;" south is "mountains to the right;" and east and west are where all
those durn conservatives keep moving in from.
... You go anywhere else on the
planet and the air feels "sticky."
... You consider a three-piece
suit to be a pair of shorts, a sweatshirt and Birkenstocks.
... You see your East Coast relatives
now more than when you lived there.
... You think gun control is not
dropping it.
... Your bridal registry is at
REI.
... You can run up 10 flights of
stairs without huffing and puffing. (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
Potato
Family:
Submitted by Dave Singer
You know that all potatoes have
eyes. Well, Mr. and Mrs. Potato had eyes for each other and they finally
got married and had a little one --- a real SWEET POTATO whom they called
"YAM." They wanted the best for little Yam, telling her all about the facts
of life. They warned her about going out and getting half baked because
she could get Mashed, get a bad name like Hot Potato, and then end up with
a bunch of Tater Tots.
She said not to worry ----- no Mr.
McSpud would get her in the sack and make a Rotten Potato out of her! But
she couldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either. She would get
plenty of food and exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring
cousins.
Mr. and Mrs. Potato even told her
about going off to Europe and to watch out for the Hard Boiled guys
from Ireland and even the greasy guys from France called the
French Fries. They also said she should watch out for the Indians when
going out west because she could get Scalloped.
She told them she would stay on
the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class
Blue Belles or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise
their trade on all the trucks you see around town that say Frito-Lay.
Mr. & Mrs. Potato wanted the
best for Yam, so they sent her to "Idaho U." -- that's Potato University
-- where the Big Potatoes come from and when she graduated, she'd
really be in the Chips. But one day she came home and said she was
going to marry Walter Cronkite. Mr. & Mrs. Potato were very upset and
begged Yam not to marry him, because............
after all..........
he's just a
COMMON TATER! (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
Differences
Between The Sexes Observed At The Drive-Up ATM Machine:
Submitted by Dave Singer
HIM:
1. Pull up to
ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN
number and account
4. Take cash,
card and receipt
HER:
1.
Pull up to ATM
2.
Check makeup in rearview mirror
3.
Shut off engine
4.
Put keys in purse
5.
Get out of car b/c you're too far from machine
6.
Hunt for card in purse
7.
Insert card
8.
Hunt in purse for tampon wrapper with PIN number written on it
9.
Enter PIN number
10. Study
instructions for at least 2 minutes.
11. Hit
"cancel"
12. Re-enter
correct PIN number
12A Hit
"cancel"
12B Call
husband to get correct PIN number
13. Check
balance
14. Look
for envelope
15. Look
in purse for pen
16. Make
out deposit slip
17. Endorse
checks
18. Make
deposit
19. Study
instructions
20. Make
cash withdrawal
21. Get
in car
22. Check
makeup
23. Look
for keys
24. Start
car
25. Check
makeup
26. Start
pulling away
27. STOP
28. Back
up to machine
29. Get
out of car
30. Take
card and receipt
31. Get
back in car
32. Put
card in wallet
33. Put
receipt in checkbook
34. Enter
deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
35. Clear
area in purse for wallet and checkbook
36. Check
makeup
37. Put
car in gear, reverse
38. Put
car in drive
39. Drive
away from machine
40. Travel
3 miles
41. Release
parking brake (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
Coffee:
Submitted by Dave Singer
A grandmother was surprised by her
7 year old grandson one morning. He had made her coffee.
She drank what was the worst cup
of coffee in her life. When she got to the bottom, there were three of
those little green army men in the cup. She said, "Honey, what are the
army men doing in my coffee?"
Her grandson said, "Grandma, it
says on TV-'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!'" (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
Sons
Of Norway:
Submitted by Aunt Bess
Ole, Lars and Sven had been going
to the Sons of Norway hall meeting as long as there had been a hall. And
every month, wouldn't ya know it, they didn't win a prize in the monthly
drawing. That is until the last meeting.
Sven was the first one of the three
to get his name drawn. He won two pounds of spaghetti sauce, four boxes
of noodles, and three pounds of Swedish meatballs.
Ole had his name drawn next. He
got himself round trip tickets to Duluth, a nights stay at the Dew Drop
Inn and a pair of tickets to see the Inger triplets Polka Ensemble. Ole
thought that he had died and gone to heaven.
Lars was the last one to have his
name drawn, he won a toilet brush.
At the next monthly meeting, they
sat down together to check out how they had fared for the past month. Sven
said "Uff da, I had dat pasghetti for tree days. It was so good, and Helga
didn't have to buy food for them dere tree days."
Ole said "Lena was so happy vhen
I brought home dem tickets. The trip up to Duluth was nice, we got to ride
da Greyhound, and you know, they got a built in outhouse on dat dere bus.
And the Inger Triplets, if I didn't know better, I would swear dey were
sisters."
Then Ole turned to Lars, and asked
him how his prize worked out. Lars looks at them both and says "Dat dere
toilet brush is nice, but I tink I'll go back to using paper." (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
Only
In America:
Submitted by Aunt Bess with a few additions by Phil Sheldon
Only in America...can a pizza get
to your house faster than an ambulance...
Only in America...are there handicap
parking places in front of a skating rink...
Only in America...do drugstores
make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions.
Only in America...do people order
double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke...
Only in America...do banks leave
both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters...
Only in America...do we leave cars
worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put useless junk in the
garage...
Only in America...do we use answering
machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a
call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place...
Only in America...do we buy hot
dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...
Only in America... do they have
drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering!
Only in America......do we use
the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli'
in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Theme
Songs For Bible Characters:
Submitted by Jay Berkshire
Noah: "Raindrops Keep Falling
on My Head"
Adam and Eve: "Strangers
in Paradise"
Lazarus: "The Second Time
Around"
Esther: "I Feel Pretty"
Job: "I've Got a Right to
Sing the Blues"
Moses: "The Wanderer"
Jezebel: "The Lady is a Tramp"
Samson: "Hair"
Salome: "I Could Have Danced
All Night"
Daniel: "The Lion Sleeps
Tonight"
Joshua: "Good Vibrations"
Peter: "I'm Sorry"
Esau: "Born To Be Wild"
Jeremiah: "Take This Job
and Shove It"
Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego:
"Great Balls of Fire!"
The Three Kings: "When You
Wish Upon a Star"
Jonah: "Got a Whale
of a Tale"
Elijah: "Up, Up, and Away"
Methuselah: "Stayin' Alive"
Nebuchadnezzar: "Crazy"
It seems everyone has a favorite
Hymn.
Here are some examples:
The Dentist's Hymn: Crown
Him with Many Crowns.
The Weatherman's Hymn: There
Shall Be Showers of Blessings.
The Contractor's Hymn: The
Church's One Foundation.
The Tailor's Hymn: Holy,
Holy, Holy.
The Golfer's Hymn: There's
a Green Hill Far Away.
The Gossip's Hymn: Pass It
On.
The Politician's Hymn: Standing
on the Promises.
The Optometrist's Hymn: Open
Mine Eyes That I Might See.
The IRS Hymn: All to Thee.
The Electrician's Hymn: Send
the Light.
The Shopper's Hymn: Sweet
By and By. (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
No Contest:
Submitted by Dave Singer
One day a group of scientists got
together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed
God. So, they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were
done with Him.
The scientist walked up to God and
said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We're
to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so
why don't you just go on and get lost."
God listened very patiently and
kindly to the man and after the scientist was done talking, God said, "Very
well, how about this, let's say we have a man making contest." To
which the scientist replied, "OK, great!"
But God added, "Now, we're going
to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam."
The scientist said, "Sure, no problem",
and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.
God just looked at him and said,
"No, no, no. You go get your own dirt!" (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
New
Words For The New Millenium:
Submitted by Dave Singer
BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in
a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and
who was responsible.
CHAINSAW CONSULTANT: An outside
expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass
with clean hands.
CUBE FARM: An office filled with
cubicles.
IDEA HAMSTERS: People who always
seem to have their idea generator running.
MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired
generation's answer to the couch potato.
PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells
or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over
the walls to see what's going on.
SITCOMs: (Single Income, Two Children,
Oppressive Mortgage) What yuppies turn into when they have children and
one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.
STARTER MARRIAGE: A short-lived
first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.
STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems
to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
SWIPED OUT: An ATM or credit card
that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away
from extensive use.
TOURISTS: People who take training
classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious students
in the class; the rest were just tourists."
TREEWARE: Hacker slang for documentation
or other printed material.
XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping
free photocopies from one's workplace.
ALPHA GEEK: The most knowledgeable,
technically proficient person in an office or work group.
CHIPS & SALSA: Chips = hardware,
Salsa = software. "Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem's in
your chips or your salsa. (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
Bump,
Bump, Bump:
Submitted by Dave Singer
A man was walking home alone late
one night when he hears a
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP... behind him.
Walking faster he looks back, and
makes out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle
of the street towards him ...
BUMP...
BUMP... BUMP...
Terrified, the man begins to run
towards his home, the coffin bouncing quickly behind him ... faster...
faster... BUMP... BUMP...
BUMP.
He runs up to his door, fumbles
with his keys, opens the door, rushes in,slams and locks the door behind
him.
However, the coffin crashes through
his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping ... clappity-BUMP... clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP... on the heels of
the terrified man.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom,
the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his
breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the coffin breaks
down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him.
The man screams and reaches for
something, anything ... but all he can find is a box of cough drops!
Desperate, he throws the coughdrops
at the coffin ...
... and of course.........
... the coffin stops! (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
Guest
App. For Jerry Springer Show:
Submitted by Dave Singer
Personal Information:
Name___________ Nickname______________
CB Handle______________
Yore Mama______________ Yore Daddy
(if known)________________
Spouse's Name_________________
Relationship to spouse: (CHECK
ONE OR MORE)
__Sister __Brother__Mother__Father
__Pet__Aunt__Uncle
Occupation: ___Unemployed Mechanic
___Gun Show Dealer___Skinhead
Number of Children in Household___
Number that are yours___
Circle Highest Level of Education:
1 2 3 4
How Far is Your Mobile Home From
a Paved Road: ___1mi. __5 mi.___?
Number of Times You Have Survived
a Tornado: ___
Number of Vehicles Owned___ Number
on Cement Blocks___
Truck Equipment:
___Gun Rack ___Pit Bull ___Spit Cup ___Fuzzy Dice ___Rebel Flag
___ Woman Mudflaps ___NWO and/or NRA sticker
Weapons Owned: ___Tire Iron ___Pick
Handle ___Beer Bottle ___Shotgun
Number of Dogs Owned: ___
Number of Homemade Tattoos:___
Which of the Following Appliances
are in your Front Yard: ___Friggerator
___Heatin Stove
___Warsher ___TV ___Freezer
How Many of the Above Appliances
Work: ___
Fav-o-rite Recreation: ___Drinkin
___Cow Chip Throwin ___Possum Huntin
___Crawdad Huntin
___Spittin Backy ___Scratchin ___Watchin Wrasslin
If You Can Read, Which Magazines
Do You Prefer:
___Soap Opera
Digest ___NWA ___Rifle and Shotgun ___TV Guide
__National Enquirer __True Confessions
Which Stinks Worse: ___Hogpen ___Outhouse
___Spouse
Can You Spell Your Last Name:___Yup
___Nope
Can You Remember Your Last Name:
___Yup ___Nope
Have You Ever Stayed Sober for
More Than One Day: ___Yup ___Nope
Do You Know Any Words with More
Than 4 Letters: ___Yup ___Nope
Which is Correct: ___"I Seed Him"
or ___"I Seen Him"
How Many Cartons of Cigarettes
Do You Smoke a Day? ___
Math Test:
How Many Food Stamps Do the Following Cost?
___Six Pack ___Ciggies ___Shotgun Shells ___Backy___Prostitute
Number of Times You've Seen: ___a
UFO ___ Elvis___Elvis in a UFO
Health Questionaire: Which
of the Following Do You Have?
___Head Lice ___B.O. ___Crabs ___Runny Nose ___Boils
Can You Remember the Last Time
You Bathed? ___Yup___Nope
Color of Teeth: ___Yellow ___Brown
___Black ___N/A
I hereby swear this is the trooth
and sign my "X" on _________19__
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
