An Eye
Opening Experience!:
Submitted by Dave Singer
A man is eating in a fancy restaurant
and there is a gorgeous lady eating at the next table. He has been checking
her out all night, but lacks the nerve to go talk to her. Suddenly she
sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of her socket towards the man.
He reflexively grabs and snatches it out of the air.
"Oh, I am sooo sorry," the woman
says, as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dinner to make
it up to you." They enjoy a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the
woman invites him to the theater followed by coffee. The guy is amazed!!
"You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you
meet?"
"No, she replies ..............
(Wait for it.......)
(It's coming.............)
(The suspense is killing you ........)
(Here goes......)
"You just happened to catch my eye."
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Fun
In The Bible:
Submitted by Dave Singer
Q. Who was the greatest financier
in the Bible?
A. Noah was floating his stock
while everyone else was in liquidation.
Q. Who was the greatest female financier
in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter went down
to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.
Q. What kind of man was Boaz
before he got married?
A. Ruthless.
Q. Who was the greatest comedian
in the Bible?
A. Samson brought the house
down.
Q. Where is the first baseball
game in the Bible?
A. In the big inning, Eve stole
first, Adam stole second, Cain struck out Abel and the prodigal son came
in last.
Q. How did Adam and Eve feel
when expelled from the Garden of Eden?
A. They were definitely put
out.
Q. What is one of the first things
Adam and Eve did after they were kicked out?
A. They raised a little Cain.
Q. What is the best way to get
to Paradise?
A. Turn right and go straight.
Q. Which servant of Jehovah was
the most proficient lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses broke all ten commandments
at once.
Q. Where is the first tennis
match in the Bible?
A. Joseph served in Pharaoh's
court.
Q. Where is the first recorded
Biblical case of constipation?
A. In Kings where it says that
David sat on the throne for forty years.
Q. Which Bible character had
no parents?
A. Joshua was the son of Nun.
Q. Why didn't Noah go fishing?
A. He only had two worms!
Q. How do we know they didn't
play cards in the ark?
A. Because Noah sat on the deck.
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Honey, Punkin, Sweetie:
Submitted by Dave Singer
A guy was invited to an old friends'
home for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his wife by
endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart,
Pumpkin, etc.
The guy was impressed since he knew
the couple had been married almost 70 years, and while the wife was
off in the kitchen he said to his buddy, "I think it's wonderful
that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife
those pet names."
His buddy hung his head. "To tell
you the truth, I forgot her name about ten years ago." (TOP)
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"I'm
blonde beautiful and going to Chicago.":
Submitted by Dave Singer
There was this blonde who bought
a coach ticket to go to Chicago. She boards the plane and sits in
the first class area. The stewardess comes over and says "ma'am your
ticket says coach you must move to the coach area".
The blonde says "I'm blonde beautiful and going to Chicago." The
stewardess says "you
must move to the coach area." The blonde says "I'm blonde beautiful and
going to Chicago."
The stewardess goes over
and gets the head stewardess. The head stewardess comes over and
says "ma'am you must move to coach." The blonde says "I'm blonde
beautiful and going to Chicago." The stewardesses look at each other
and decide to go get the captain. The captain comes over and says"
ma'am your ticket says coach you must move to the coach area." The
blonde says "I'm blonde beautiful and going to Chicago." The captain
shakes his head and bends down and whispers in her ear. All of a
sudden she jumps up grabs her luggage and goes over to the coach area.
The stewardesses look at each other and ask the captain "What did you say
to her?" The captain says "I told her first class wasn't going to
Chicago." (TOP)
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Latin
Variables:
Submitted by Dave Singer
Veni, Vidi, Vici -- I
came, I saw, I conquered
Veni, Vidi, Verily --
I came, I saw, I concurred
Veni, Vidi, Vista --
I came, I saw, what a great view!
Veni, Vidi, Venison --
I came, I saw, I ran over a deer
Veni, Vidi, Velcro --
I came, I saw; I stuck around
Veni, Vidi, Visa -- I
came, I saw, I went shopping
Veni, Vidi, Vegi -- I
came, I saw, I had a salad
Veni, Vidi, VCR -- I
came, I saw, I went home and rented the video
Veni, Vidi, Vinny --
I came, I saw, I got an offer I couldn't refuse
Veni, Vidi, DaVinci --
I came, I saw, I painted the Sistine Chapel
Veni, Vipi, Vici -- I
came, I'm a very important person, I conquered (TOP)
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The
National Football League Changes Year 2000:
Submitted by Dave Singer
The National Football
League recently announced a new era.
From now on, no offensive
team names will be permitted. While the owners of the team rush to
change uniforms and such, the National Football League announced, yesterday,
its name changes and schedules for the 2000 season:
The Washington Native
Americans will host the New York Very Tall People on opening day.
Other key games include
the Dallas Western-Style Laborers hosting the St. Louis Wild Endangered
Species, and the Minnesota Plundering Norsemen taking on the Green Bay
Meat Industry Workers.
In Week 2, there are several
key matchups, highlighted by the showdown between the San Francisco Precious
Metal Enthusiasts and the New Orleans Pretty Good People.
The Atlanta Birds of Prey
will play host to the Philadelphia Birds of Prey, while the Seattle Birds
of Prey will visit the Phoenix Male Finches.
The Monday night game
will pit the Miami Pelagic Percoid Food Fishes against the Denver Untamed
Beasts of Burden.
The Cincinnati Large Bangladeshi
Carnivorous Mammals will travel to Tampa Bay for a clash with the West
Indies Free Booters later in Week 9.
And the Detroit Large
Carnivorous Cats will play the Chicago Large Mountain Mammals.
Week 9 also features the
Indianapolis Young Male Horses at the New England Zealous Lovers of Country.
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At
these temperatures!:
Submitted by Dave Singer
At these Fahrenheit temperatures:
+65 - Hawaiians declare
a two-blanket night.
+60 - Californians put
on sweaters (if they can find one).
+50 - Miami residents
turn on the heat.
+45 - Vermont residents
go to outdoor concerts.
+40 - You can see your
breath. Californians shiver uncontrollably. Minnesotans go swimming
+35 - Italian cars don't
start.
+32 - Water freezes.
+30 - You plan your vacation
to Australia.
+25 - Ohio water freezes.
Californians weep. Minnesotans eat ice cream. Canadians go swimming
+20 - Politicians begin
to talk about the homeless. New York City water freezes. Miami residents
plan vacation farther South.
+15 - French cars don't
start. Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you.
+10 - You need jumper
cables to get the car going.
+5 - American cars don't
start.
0 - Alaskans put on T-shirts.
-10 - German cars don't
start. Eyes freeze shut when you blink.
-15 - You can cut your
breath and use it to build an igloo. Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects.
Miami residents cease to exist
-20 - Cat insists on
sleeping in pajamas with you. Politicians actually do something about the
homeless. Minnesotans shovel snow off roof. Japanese cars don't start.
-25 - Too cold to think.
You need jumper cables to get the driver going.
-30 - You plan a two
week hot bath. Swedish cars don't start.
-40 - Californians disappear.
Minnesotans button top button. Canadians put on sweaters. Your car helps
you plan your trip South.
-50 - Congressional hot
air freezes. Alaskans close the bathroom window.
-80 - Hell freezes over.
Polar bears move South. Green Bay Packer fans order hot cocoa at the game.
-90 - Lawyers put their
hands in their own pockets. (TOP)
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It's
Whats Under The Hood That Counts!:
Submitted by Dave Singer
Once upon a time there
was a blonde with long hair, blue eyes, and she was sick of all the blonde
jokes. One day, she decided to get a make over, so she cut and dyed her
hair. She also went out and bought a new convertible.
She went driving down
a country road and came across a herd of sheep. She stopped and called
the sheepherder over.
"That's a nice flock of
sheep.", she said.
"Well thank you.", said
the herder.
"Tell you what. I have
a proposition for you.", said the woman.
"Okay.", replied the
herder.
"If I can guess the exact
number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?", asked the woman.
"Sure.", said the sheepherder.
So, the girl sat up and
looked at the herd for a second and then replied, "382".
"Wow.", said the herder.
"That is exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take
home."
So the woman went and
picked one out and put it in her car.
Upon watching this, the
herder approached the woman and offered, "Okay, now I have a proposition
for you".
"What is it?", queried
the woman.
"If I can guess the real
color of your hair... can I have my dog back?"
NOTE!****
When someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles to frown. But it takes
only 4 muscles to extend your arm and whack them in the head.
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Pets'
Pet Peeves:
Submitted by Dave Singer
* Dog: They
keep putting the lid down on the big water bowl.
* Goldfish:
"Just because I have a three-second memory, they don't think I'll mind
eating the same fish flakes ... Oh boy! Fish flakes!"
* Dog: "Man,
why do they keep rubbing my nose in it? I already KNOW whose it is!"
* Goldfish:
"The wimp-jerk knight never comes out of the castle to fight me for dominion
over the fish tank. So I must continue patrolling, for I am lord and master!"
* Parrot:
"Tease, tease, tease! But do those greedy clowns ever really give
me a cracker? HECK, no!"
* Dog: Human
legs that just tease.
* Cat: "Why
are these people in my house?"
* Goldfish:
"Oh, tap-tap-tap! There's a new one!"
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Blind
Policeman?!:
Submitted by Dave Singer
The Champaign Illinois
Police Department, famous for its superior K-9 unit,was somewhat taken
back by this recent incident.
Returning home from work,
a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned
the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher
broadcast the call on the channels and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was
the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached
the house with his dog on a leash, the woman ran out on the porch, shuddered
at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps put her
face in her hands and moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen.
I call the police for help,and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"
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A
wedding story. . . . As only a child could do... (And Other Humor):
Submitted by Dave Singer
A little boy was in a
relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take
two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's
side and groom's side). While facing the crowd, he would put his
hands up like claws and roar...so it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step,
ROAR all the way down the aisle.
As you can imagine, the
crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached
the pulpit. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed
from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the
pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said,
"I was being the Ring Bear..."
************************************************************
A three-year-old went
with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly
informed his mother there were 2 boy kittens and 2 girl kittens.
"How did you know?" his mom asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked
underneath," he replied, "I think it's printed on the bottom."
************************************************************
A mother and her young
son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries.
The boy opened a box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table.
"What are you doing?" his mother asked. "The box says you can't eat them
if the seal is broken," the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal."
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Number
of the Beast?
Submitted by Dave Singer
OK, we all know that 666
is the Number of the Beast. But did you know about...
660 = Approximate number
of the Beast
DCLXVI = Roman numeral
of the Beast
666.0000 = Number of
the High Precision Beast
0.666 = Number of the
Millibeast
/ 666 = Beast Common
Denominator
(-666) ^ (1/2) = Imaginary
number of the Beast
6.66 e3 = Floating point
Beast
1010011010 = Binary of
the Beast (For those computer illiterate "binary" is the language
that computers us to identify every key on the keyboard. Every key has
a set of 000's and 111's to identify that particular key.)
;o)
6, uh... what was that
number again? = Number of the Blonde Beast
1-666 = Area code of
the Beast
6666 = Postcode of the
Beast
66666 = Zip Code of the
Beast
666mph = The speed limit
of the Beast
$665.95 = Retail price
of the Beast
$699.25 = Price of the
Beast plus 5% state sales tax
$732.60 = Price of the
Beast including GST
$769.95 = Price of the
Beast with all accessories
$656.66 = Walmart price
of the Beast
$646.66 = Next week's
Walmart price of the Beast
Exxon 666 = Gasoline
of the Beast
Route 666 = Way of the
Beast
666 F = Oven temperature
for roast Beast
666k = Retirement plan
of the Beast
666 mg = Recommended
Minimum Daily Requirement of Beast
6.66 % = Fixed 6 Year
Home Loan interest rate at First Beast of Hell National Bank, $666 application
fee, $666 loan establishment fee, $6.66 transaction fee, $666 registration
fee, $6.66 monthly account fee, $666 redraw fee, $6.66 statement fee and
if no fee applies, then your have the $6.66 no fees fee.
$666/hr = Beast's lawyer's
billing rate
Lotus 6-6-6 = Spreadsheet
of the Beast
Word 6.66 = Word Processor
of the Beast
i66686 = CPU of the Beast
666i = BMW of the Beast
DSM-666 (revised) = Diagnostic
and Statistical Manual of the Beast
1232 Octal, Apt. 29A
= Beast's hexed address
668 = Next-door neighbor
of the Beast
333 = The semi-Christ
665.9997856 The Number
of the Beast on a Pentium
66 = The number of the
"downsized" beast (TOP)
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Male
- Female Guide to English Language!
Submitted by Dave Singer
THE MEN'S GUIDE TO FEMALE ENGLISH
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct
decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want = You'll pay for
this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure... go ahead = I don't want
you to
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset,
you moron!
You're ... so manly = You need
a shave and you sweat a lot
You're certainly attentive tonight
= What do you really want?
Be romantic, turn out the lights
= I don't like the way I look
This kitchen is so inconvenient
= I want a new house
I want new curtains = and carpeting,
and furniture, and wallpaper.....
I need wedding shoes = the other
pairs are the wrong shade of white
Hang the picture there = NO, I
mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you
were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I'm going to
ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did
something today you're really not going to like
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick
off your shoes and find a good game on TV
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
You have to learn to communicate
= Just agree with me
Are you listening to me!? = [Too
late, you're dead.]
Yes = No
No = No
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
Do you like this recipe? = It's
easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it
Was that the baby? = Why don't
you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.
I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling
because I think this is important
All we're going to buy is a soap
dish = It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department,
the shoe department, I need to look at a few new purses, and those pink
sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?
THE WOMEN'S GUIDE TO MALE ENGLISH
"I'm hungry" = I'm hungry
"I'm sleepy" = I'm sleepy
"I'm tired" = I'm tired
"Do you want to go to a movie?"
= Is there something in this for me?
"Can I take you out to dinner?"
= Is there something in this for me?
"Can I call you sometime?" = Is
there something in this for me?
"May I have this dance?" = Is there
something in this for me?
"Nice dress!" = Is there something
in this for me?
"You look tense, let me give you
a massage." = Is there something in this for me?
"What's wrong?" = I don't see why
you are making such a big deal out of this
"What's wrong?" = What meaningless
self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
"What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight
is out of the question
"I'm bored" = Is there something
in this for me?
"I love you" = Is there something
in this for me?
"I love you, too" = Okay, I said
it...is there something in this for me?
"Yes, I like the way you cut your
hair" = I liked it better before
"Yes, I like the way you cut your
hair" = $50 and it doesn't look that much different!
"Let's talk" = I am trying to impress
you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd find something
in this for me?
"Will you marry me?" = Is there
something in this for me?
"I like that one better" (while
shopping) = Pick any durn dress and let's go home!
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Stupid
Criminals:
Submitted by Jay Berkshire
Stupid Criminal # 1
A woman was reporting
her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it.
The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that
answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the
car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.
****************************
Stupid Criminal # 2
Drug possession defendant
Christopher Jansen, on trial in March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had
been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't
need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been
a gun. Nonsense, said Christopher, who happened to be wearing
the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge
could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket
and laughed so hard he required a five-minute recess to compose himself.
****************************
Stupid Criminal # 3
In Oklahoma City, Dennis
Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store in a district
court when he fired his lawyer. Assistant district attorney Larry Jones
said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store
manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton jumped up, accused
the woman of lying, and then said, "I should have blown your head off."
The defendant paused,
then quickly added, "If I'd been the one that was there." The
jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommended a 30-year sentence.
****************************
Stupid Criminal # 4
R.C. Gaitlan, 21 walked
up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer
equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how
the system worked, the officer asked him for identification. Gaitlan gave
them his drivers license, they entered it into the computer, and moments
later they arrested Gaitlan because information on the screen showed Gaitlan
was wanted for a two year old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.
****************************
Stupid Criminal # 5
A guy walked into a little
corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer.
After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch
that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to
put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said, "It's because
I don't believe you are over 21."
The robber said he
was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't
believe him. At this point the robber took his drivers license out of his
wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, agreed that
the man was in fact over 21, and put the scotch in the bag. The robber
then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called
the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off
the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.
****************************
Stupid Criminal # 6
A pair of Michigan robbers
entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted,
nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit
shot him.
****************************
Stupid Criminal # 7
A man, wanting to rob
a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a
stikkup. Put all yur muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting
to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen
him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller
window. So, he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells
Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells
Fargo teller.
She read it and, surmising
from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the harbor,
told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written
on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill
out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking
somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. The Wells Fargo teller
then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he
was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
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