Signs
That You've Had To Much Of The 90's:
Submitted by Dave Singer
1. You try to enter your password
on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire
with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone
numbers to reach your family of 3. You don't ever need
to know the numbers because they are all pre-programmed in.
4. You e-mail your work colleague
at the desk next to you to ask "Do you want to go to lunch?" and they reply
"Yeah, give me five minutes".
5. You chat several times a day
with a stranger from South America, but you haven't spoken to your next
door neighbor yet this year.
6. You buy a computer and a week
later it is out of date.
7. Your reason for not staying
in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
8. You consider US Mail painfully
slow or call it "snail mail".
9. Your idea of being organized
is multiple colored post-it notes.
10. You hear most of your jokes
via email instead of in person.
11. When you go home after a long
day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.
12. When you make phone calls from
home, you accidentally insert a "9" to get an outside line.
13. You've sat at the same desk
for four years and worked for three different companies.
14. Your company welcome sign is
attached with Velcro.
15. Your resume is on a diskette
in your pocket.
16. You really get excited about
a 1.7% pay raise.
17. You learn about your redundancy
on the 9 o'clock news.
18. Your biggest loss from a system
crash is that you lose all your best jokes.
19. Your supervisor doesn't have
the ability to do your job.
20. Contractors outnumber permanent
staff and are more likely to get long service awards.
21. Board members salaries are
higher than all the Third World countries annual budgets combined.
22. It's dark when you drive to
and from work, even in the summer.
23. You know exactly how many days
you've got left until you retire.
24. Interviewees, despite not having
the relevant knowledge or experience, terminate the interview when told
of the starting salary.
25. You see a good looking, smart
person at work, and you know it must be a visitor.
26. Free food left over from meetings
is your staple diet.
27. The new person gets a brand-new
state-of-the-art laptop with all the features, while you have time to go
for lunch while yours powers up.
28. Being sick is defined as you
can't walk or you're in the hospital.
29. You're already late on the
assignment you just got.
30. There's no money in the budget
for the five permanent staff your department is short of, but they can
afford four full-time management consultants advising your boss's boss
on strategy.
31. Your boss's favorite lines
are: When you've got a few minutes... Could you fit this
in ...?... In your spare time ... when you're freed up... I know
you're busy but... I have an opportunity for you.
32. Vacation is something you roll
over to next year.
33. Every week another brown collection
envelope comes round because someone you didn't know had started is leaving.
34. You wonder who's going to be
left to put into your 'leaving' collection.
35. Your relatives and family describe
your job as "works with computers".
36. The only reason you recognize
your kids is because their pictures are on your desk.
37. You only have makeup for fluorescent
lighting.
38. You read this entire list,
kept nodding and smiling.
39. As you read this list, you
think about forwarding it to your "friends you send jokes to" e-mail group.
40. It crosses your mind that your
jokes group may have seen this list already, but you can't be bothered
to check so you forward it anyway.
(TOP) (Back
to Humor Index)
The
Nasty Parrot:
Submitted by Kim Holtzberg
Jimmy received a parrot for Christmas.
The parrot was fully grown, with a very bad attitude and worse vocabulary.
Every other word was an expletive;
those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. Jimmy tried
to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite words,
playing soft music... anything he could think of. Nothing worked.
He yelled at the bird, and the bird
got worse. He shook the bird, and the bird got madder and more rude.
Finally, in a moment of desperation,
Jimmy put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird
swearing, squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, there
was absolute quiet.
Jimmy was frightened that he might
have actually hurt the bird, and quickly opened the freezer door.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto
Jimmy's extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language
and my actions, and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct
my behavior".
Jimmy was astounded at the changes
in the bird's attitude and was about to ask what had changed him, when
the parrot continued, "May I ask what the Chicken did?" (TOP)
(Back
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Barn
Insurance:
Submitted by Dave Singer
Larry's barn burned down and his
wife, Susan, called the insurance company.
Susan told the insurance company,
"We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money."
The agent replied, "Whoa there,
just a minute, Susan. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain
the value of what was insured and provide you with a new one of comparable
worth."
There was a long pause before Susan
replied, "Then I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband." (TOP)
(Back
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Having
Some Fun With A Wrong Number:
Submitted by Kim Holtzberg
It was last Wednesday night, and
I was sitting in my room watching television when the phone rang.
"Hello?" I said.
A girl's voice came over the line.
"Can I speak to Ben, please?"
I live by myself, and my name definitely
is not Ben. It was probably a wrong number and I was bored.
I replied, "I'm sorry, he's not
in right now. Can I take a message?"
"Do you know what time he'll be
back?" she responded.
"I think he said he'd be home around
10:00."
Silence on the other end... a confused
silence.
"Is this Steve?"
My name isn't Steve, either.
This was definitely a wrong number.
So I replied, "Yes, it is.
Do you want to leave a message for Ben?"
"Well... he said he would be home
tonight and asked me to call him," she said in a slightly irritated voice.
I replied, "Well, he went out with
Karen about an hour ago, and said that he would be back at 10:00."
A shocked voice now: "Who's Karen?!"
"The girl he went out with."
"I know that! I mean... who
is she?"
"I don't know her last name.
Look, do you want me to leave a message for Ben?"
"Yes... please do. Tell him
to call me when he gets home."
She was sounding pretty irate at
this point, and I could hear her temper flaring. "I sure will.
Is this Jennifer?"
She exploded, "Who's Jennifer?"
Apparently she wasn't.
"Well... he's going out with Jennifer
at 10:00. I thought you were her. Sorry... it was an honest
mistake."
"Ben's the one that's made the mistake!
Tell him that Alice called him and the she's very upset and that I would
like him to call me as soon as he gets home."
I smiled and said, "Okay, I will...
but Becky isn't going to like this..." (TOP)
(Back
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Things
We Learn From The Movies:
Submitted by Dave Singer
1. Large, loft-style apartments
in New York City are well within the price range of most people--whether
they are employed or not.
2. At least one of a pair
of identical twins is born evil.
3. Should you decide to defuse
a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the
right one.
4. Most laptop computers
are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading
alien society.
5. It does not matter if
you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies
will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening
manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
6. When you turn out the
light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible,
just slightly bluish.
7. If you are blonde and
pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the
age of 22.
8. Honest and hard working
policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.
9. Rather than wasting bullets,
megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery
involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating
sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
10. All beds have special
L-shaped cover sheets that reach the armpit level on a woman but only to
waist level on the man lying beside her.
11. All grocery shopping
bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
12. It's easy for anyone
to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk
you down.
13. Once applied, lipstick
will never rub off--even while scuba diving.
14. You're very likely to
survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone
a picture of your sweetheart back home.
15. Should you wish to pass
yourself off as a German or Russian officer, it will not be necessary to
speak the language. A German or Russian accent will do.
16. The Eiffel Tower can
be seen from any window in Paris.
17. A man will show no pain
while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries
to clean his wounds.
18. If a large pane of glass
is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
19. If staying in a haunted
house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing
underwear.
20. Word processors never
display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.
21. Even when driving down
a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously
from left to right every few moments.
22. All bombs are fitted
with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly
when they're going to go off.
23. A detective can only
solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
24. If you decide to start
dancing in the street, everyone you meet will know all the steps.
25. Police departments give
their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned
a partner who is their total opposite.
26. When they are alone, all foreign
military officers prefer to speak to each other in English. (TOP)
(Back
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Teachers,
Then there are TEACHERS:
Submitted by Dave Singer
This is a hoot. It takes all
kinds of folks to outsmart 7th graders.
According to a radio report, a middle
school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were
beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was
fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips
to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Finally the principal decided that
something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and
met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these
lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean
the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the
mirrors, she asked the maintenance guy to clean one of the mirrors.
He took out a long-handled squeegee,
dipped it into the toilet and then cleaned the mirror. Since then there
have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers and then there
are TEACHERS. (TOP)
(Back
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Womans'
guide to Mens' gifts -- Boy is most of this right on target!:
Submitted by Dave Singer
With Christmas coming, this is surely
going to be a big help!
Rule #1: When in doubt - buy him
a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one.
I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man,
you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.
Rule #2: If you cannot afford a
cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it.
Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?"
"OK. "By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?"
Again, no one knows why.
Rule #3: If you are really, really
broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle
of deicer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love
gifts for their cars. No one knows why.
Rule #4: Do not buy men socks.
Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. I was told
that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented
Jockey shorts.
Rule #5: You can buy men new remote
controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot
of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner.
Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.
Rule #6: Do not buy any man industrial-sized
canisters of after shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink
- they are earthy.
Rule #7: Buy men label makers.
Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there
will be labels absolutely everywhere. Socks. Shorts.
Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink. You get the idea. No
one knows why.
Rule #8: Never buy a man anything
that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his Special
Day and he will always have parts left over.
Rule #9: Good places to shop for
men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber,Home Depot, John Deere, Valley
RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sears' Clearance
Centers are also excellent men's stores. It doesn't matter if he
doesn't know what it is. "From NAPA Auto, eh? Must besomething I
need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow!
Thanks.")
Rule #10: Men enjoy danger.
That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. Get him a monster
barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line
leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"
Rule #11: Tickets to a Red Wing/Lions/Pistons/Tigers
game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to
"A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why.
Rule #12: Men love chainsaws.
Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don't know why
- please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker.
Rule #13: It's hard to beat a really
good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man
a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows
why.
Rule #15: Rope. Men love
rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy
Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manila rope.
No one knows why. (TOP)
(Back
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Hillbilies
Guide To Medical Terms:
Submitted by Dave Singer
Anti-Body -------------------------
Against everyone
Artery -------------------------------
Study of paintings
Bacteria ----------------------------
Back door to a cafeteria
Barium ------------------------------
What to do when treatment fails
Bowel -------------------------------
Letters like A E I O or U
Cesarean Section --------------
District in Rome
Cardiology ------------------------
Advanced study of poker playing
Cat Scan ---------------------------
Searching for ones lost kitty
Cauterize --------------------------
Made eye contact with her
Colic ---------------------------------
Sheep dog
Coma --------------------------------
Punctuation mark
Congenital ------------------------
Friendly
D & C --------------------------------
Where Washington is
Dilate --------------------------------
To live long
Enema ------------------------------
Not a friend
Fester -------------------------------
Quicker
Genes -------------------------------
Blue denim slacks
Genital ------------------------------
Non-Jewish
Hangnail ---------------------------
Coat hook
Hemorrhoid ----------------------
A male From outer space
Herpes -----------------------------
What women do in the Ladies Room
Impotent ---------------------------
Distinguished, well known
Inpatient ---------------------------
Tired of waiting
Labor Pain ------------------------
Hurt at work
Medical Staff ---------------------
A doctor's cane
Minor Operation ----------------
Coal digging
Morbid ------------------------------
A higher bid
Nitrate ------------------------------
Cheaper than the Day Rate
Node --------------------------------
Was aware of Organic organ repairman
Outpatient -------------------------
A person who has fainted
Paralyze ---------------------------
Two far-fetched stories
Paramedics -----------------------
Twin medicos
Pharmacist ------------------------
Person who makes a living dealing in agriculture
Post-Operative -------------------
Letter carrier
Protein ------------------------------
In favor of young people
Recovery Room ----------------
Place to upholster furniture
Rectum -----------------------------
What happened to the Corvette
Rheumatic ------------------------
Amorous
Saline -------------------------------
Where you go on your boyfriend's boat
Secretion --------------------------
Hiding something
Tablet --------------------------------
A small table
Terminal Illness -----------------
Getting sick at the airport
Tibia ----------------------------------
Country in North Africa
Tumor -------------------------------
An extra pair
Urine ---------------------------------
Opposite of You're Out
Varicose ----------------------------
Nearby
Vein ----------------------------------
Conceited (TOP)
(Back
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Biblically
- Children Say The Darndest Things:
Submitted by Carl Graham
The following statements about the
bible were written by children and have not been retouched or corrected.
(I.e., bad spelling has been left in.)
(1) In the first book
of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took
the Sabbath off.
(2) Adam and Eve were
created from an apple tree.
(3) Noah's wife was
called Joan of Ark.
(4) Noah built an ark,
which the animals come on to in pears.
(5) Lot's wife was
a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
(6) Samson was a strongman
who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
(7) Samson slayed the
Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
(8) Moses led the Hebrews
to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without
any ingredients.
(9) The Egyptians were
all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to
get the ten ammendments.
(10) The first commandment was
when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
(11) The seventh commandment is
thou shalt not admit adultery.
(12) Moses died before he ever
reached Canada.
(13) Then Joshua led the Hebrews
in the battle of Geritol.
(14) The greatest miracle in the
Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
(15) David was a Hebrew king skilled
at playing the liar.
(16) He fought with the Finklesteins,
a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
(17) Solomon, one of David's sons,
had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
(18) When Mary heard that she was
the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
(19) When the three wise guys from
the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.
(20) Jesus was born because Mary
had an immaculate contraption.
(21) St. John, the blacksmith,
dumped water on his head.
(22) Jesus enunciated the Golden
Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.
(23) He also explained, "a man
doth not live by sweat alone."
(24) It was a miracle when Jesus
rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
(25) The people who followed the
Lord were called the 12 decibels.
(26) The epistles were the wives
of the apostles.
(27) One of the opossums was St.
Matthew who was also a taximan.
(28) St. Paul cavorted to Christianity.
He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
(29) A Christian should have only
one spouse. This is called monotony. (TOP)
(Back
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Running
The Ranch:
Submitted by Dave Singer
A blonde and a brunette are running
a ranch together in Louisiana. They decide they need a bull to mate with
their cows to increase their herd. The brunette takes their life
savings of $600 dollars and goes to Texas to buy a bull. She eventually
meets with an old cowboy that will sell her a bull. "It's the only one
I got for $599, take it or leave it." She buys the bull and goes to the
local telegram office and says, "I'd like to send a telegram to my
friend in Louisiana that says:
Have found the stud bull for our
ranch, bring the trailer."
The man behind the counter
tells her, "Telegrams to anywhere in the U.S. are $. 75 per word."
She thinks about it for a moment
and decides. "I'd like to send one word, please."
"And what word would that be?" inquires
the man.
"Comfortable." replies the brunette.
The man asks, "I'm sorry miss, but
is your friend gonna understand this telegram?"
The brunette replies, "My friend
is blonde and reads REAL slow. When she gets this, she will see COM-FOR-DA-BULL." (TOP)
(Back
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Dr.
Suess Explains Computers:
Submitted by Dave Singer
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket
on a port
And the bus is interrupted as a
very last resort
And the address of the memory makes
your floppy disk abort
Then the socket packet pocket has
an error to report.
If your cursor finds a menu item
followed by a dash
And the double-clicking icon puts
your window in the trash
And your data is corrupted 'cause
the index doesn't hash
Then your situation's hopeless
and your system's gonna crash.
If the label on the cable on the
table at your house
Says the network is connected to
the button on your mouse,
but your packets want to tunnel
on another protocol
That's repeatedly rejected by the
printer down the hall.
If your screen is all distorted
by the side effects of gauss,
So your icons in the window are
as wavy as a souse
Then you may as well reboot and
go out with a bang
'cause as sure as I'm a poet, the
sucker's gonna hang.
When the copy of your floppy's getting
sloppy on the disk
And the microcode instructions
cause unnecessary risk
Than you have to flash your memory
and you'll want to RAM your ROM
Quickly, turn offyour computer
& be sure to tell your Mom.
Anonymous (TOP)
(Back
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Martha
Stewart's Holiday Calendar:
Submitted by Dave Singer
December 1 - Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving
turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold
Christmas Cards.
December 2 - Have Mormon Tabernacle
Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.
December 3 - Using candlewick and hand
gilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener or
Husband.
December 4 - Repaint Sistine Chapel
ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.
December 5 - Get new eyeglass frames.
Grind lenses myself.
December 6 - Fax family Christmas newsletter
to Pulitzer Committee for consideration.
December 7 - Debug Windows 2000
December 10 - Align carpets to adjust
for curvature of Earth.
December 11 - Lay Faberge egg.
December 12 - Take Dog apart. Disinfect.
Reassemble.
December 13 - Collect Dentures. They
make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.
December 14 - Install plumbing in gingerbread
house.
December 15 - Replace air in mini-van
tires with Glade "holiday scents" in case tires are shot out at mall.
December 17 - Child-proof the Christmas
tree with garland of razor wire.
December 19 - Adjust legs of chairs
so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height when sitting at his
or her assigned seat.
December 20 - Dip sheep and cows in
egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive sparkle to
the pasture.
December 21 - Drain city reservoir;
refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.
December 22 - Float votive candles
in toilet tank.
December 23 - Seed clouds for white
Christmas.
December 24 - Do my annual good deed.
Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping,
thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.
December 25 - Bear son. Swaddle. Lay
in color-coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.
December 26 - Organize spice racks
by genus and phylum.
December 27 - Build snowman in exact
likeness of Jesus.
December 31 - New Year's Eve! Give
staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as
the clock strikes midnight in that country.
HAPPY HOLIDAYS (TOP)
(Back
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Holmes
and Watson:
Submitted by Gary Sharp
Sherlock Holmes and DR Watson went on
a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for
the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged
his faithful friend awake. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what
you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and
millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" Holmes questioned.
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically,
it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions
of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically,
I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically,
I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then
spoke.
"Watson, you dunce. Someone has stolen
our tent." (TOP)
(Back
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New
Version Old Song "American Pie for Y2K":
Submitted by Jay Berkshire
Read this to the tune of "American
Pie" by Don Maclean
A long, long time ago...
I can still remember how
Computers used to make me smile.
And I knew if I had my chance,
That I could make those electrons
dance,
And maybe I'd be happy for a while.
But January made me shiver,
It chilled me deep down in my liver.
Bad news I'd collected...
I couldn't get connected.
I can't remember back that day
When I heard about the Y2K
But something touched me anyway,
The day computers died.
So ...Bye, bye to the square root
of Pi
Ran my PC on some DC but the voltage
was dry
And good ol' boys were sending
e-mail replies
Saying this will be the day I retire
This will be the day I retire
Can you write in C plus plus?
And do you have faith in your local
bus,
If the driver tells you so?
Now do you believe in Compaq's
goals?
Can software save your mortal soul?
And can you teach me how to type
real slow?
Well I know you thought you were
prepared
'Cause your, memo said you weren't
impaired
Your stationery's swell
But your systems gone to hell
I was a lonely teenage Unix hack
With an incantation and a modem
jack
But I knew the cat had left the
sack
The day computers died,
I started singin'...
Bye, bye to the square root of
Pi
Ran my PC on some DC but the voltage
was dry
And good ol' boys were sending
e-mail replies
Saying this will be the day I retire
This will be the day I retire
Now for 10 years we've ignored the
threat,
And we haven't solved the problem
yet
But that's not how it used to be
When the Luddites read for the
King and Queen,
With a light they filled with kerosene,
And some manuals they stole from
you and me
And while Bill Gates was looking
pleased,
Time stole his monopolies,
The courtroom was adjourned
No verdict was returned
And while Apple tried a color scheme
The engineers returned to steam
And we had purges of their dreams
The day computers died,
We were singin' ...
Bye, bye to the square root of
Pi
Ran my PC on some DC but the voltage
was dry
And good ol' boys were sending
e-mail replies
Saying this will be the day I retire
This will be the day I retire
Intel inside in an iron smelter
The food leftover from my fallout
shelter,
Twinkies old and aging fast
I'd rather be eating the grass,
Q and A tried for a system crash
With the tester on the sidelines
in a cast
Now the timeshare net was running
Doom
While mainframes played a marching
tune
We all tried to log in
Oh, but we never could begin
'Cause Cobol tried to take the field,
And Hollerith refused to yield.
Do you recall what was revealed,
The day computers died?
We started singing ...
Bye, bye to the square root of
Pi
Ran my PC on some DC but the voltage
was dry
And good ol' boys were sending
e-mail replies
Saying this will be the day I retire
This will be the day I retire
And there we were all in a state
A generation- really late
With no time left to start again
So come on mouse be nimble, mouse
be quick
Don't let my spreadsheet data stick,
'Cause data is the Devil's only
friend.
And as I watched him on my screen
My hands and face were drenched
in steam,
No angel born in hell
Could run that stupid shell
And as the ball climbed high into
the night
To call the sacrificial night
I saw Dick Clark laughing with
delight
The day computers died.
We were singin' ...
Bye, bye to the square root of
Pi
Ran my PC on some DC but the voltage
was dry
And good ol' boys were sending
e-mail replies
Saying this will be the day I retire
This will be the day I retire
I met a girl with mobile phone
And I asked her for a dial tone
But she just smiled and turned
away
I went down to the software store
Where I'd seen computers years
before
But the man there said the games
just wouldn't play
And in the streets the children
screamed
The lovers cried and the poets
dreamed,
Their interface was spoken,
The Internet was broken
And the three things I connect to
most
The Website, LAN, and the Network
host
Every single one was toast
The day computers died
They were singin'
Bye, bye to the square root of
Pi
Ran my PC on some DC but the voltage
was dry
And good ol' boys were sending
e-mail replies
Saying this will be the day I retire
This will be the day I retire. (TOP)
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