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Wonderland (to the tune of Winter Wonderland):
Submitted by Dave Singer
(try singing this out loud at work,
to the toon winter wonderland)
Another "ping",
Are you listenin'?
The puter screen,
Is a glistenin'.
With icons so bright,
They light up the night,
Welcome to the e-mail wonderland!
Gone away,
Are the hall talks.
Here to stay,
Is the IN-BOX.
Flagged "urgent, please
read!",
And "answer with speed!".
Welcome to the e-mail wonderland!
In the morning e-mails start
to add up.
No lunch today cause messages
abound.
Just click away and hope
the server stays up.
You can't do your job if
it goes down.
10 P.M.,
You're not tired.
The caffeine,
Has got you wired.
The day's not complete,
Till the last delete,
Welcome to the e-mail wonderland!
In the morning e-mails start
to add up,
No lunch today cause messages
abound.
Just click away and hope
the server stays up.
You can't do your job if
it goes down.
Until you,
Are retired,
The same old grind,
It is required.
You'll face unafraid,
That message parade.
Welcome to the e-mail wonderland! (TOP)
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Professional
Quiz:
Submitted by Dave Singer
This quiz consists of four questions
that tell you whether or not you are qualified to be a professional.
SCROLL DOWN FOR THE ANSWERS. There is no need to cheat. The questions are
not that difficult. You just need to think like a professional.
1. How do you put a giraffe
into a refrigerator?
*
*
*
The correct answer is: Open the
refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door. This question tests
whether or not you are doing simple things in a complicated way.
2. How do you put an elephant
into a refrigerator?
*
*
*
Incorrect answer: Open the refrigerator,
put in the elephant and shut the refrigerator. Correct answer: Open the
refrigerator, take out of the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the
door. This question tests your foresight.
3. The Lion King is hosting
an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which
animal does not attend?
*
*
*
Correct answer: The elephant.
The elephant is in the refrigerator! This tests if you are capable of comprehensive
thinking.
OK, if you did not answer the last
three questions correctly, this one may be your last chance to test your
qualifications to be a professional.
4. There is a river filled
with crocodiles. How do you cross it?
*
*
*
Correct Answer: Simply swim
through it. All the crocodiles are attending the animal meeting!
This question tests your reasoning ability. So...
If you answered four out of four
questions correctly, you are a true professional. Wealth and success
await you. If you answered three out of four, you have some catching up
to do but there's hope for you. If you answered two out of four, consider
a career as a hamburger flipper in a fast food joint. If you answered one
out of four, try selling some of your organs. It's the only way you
will ever make any money. If you answered none correctly, consider a career
that does not require
any higher mental functions at
all, such as law or politics. (TOP)
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Big
Race, Bad Results:
Submitted by Dave Singer
A hip young man buys a 1998 Ferrari
GTO, the most expensive car in the world with a price in the range of $500,000,
and takes it out for a spin. While stopping for a red light, an old man
on a Moped (both about 90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man
looks over the sleek, shiny new car and asks,
"Hey sonny, what kind of car ya'
got there?"
The young man replies, "A 1998 Ferrari
GTO. They cost about half a million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money," says the
old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this baby can do up to
320 miles an hour!" the owner boasts.
The moped driver asks, "Can I take
a look inside?"
"Sure," replies the owner. The old
man pokes his head in the window and looks around.
Leaning back on his Moped, the old
man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"
As the light changes, the guy decides
to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within
30 seconds the speedometer reads 320 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in
his rearview mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see
what it could be, and whhhoooossshhh! something whips by him, going much
faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young
man asks himself. Ahead, a dot is speeding back at him. Whoooooosh! It
goes by again in the opposite direction! It looked like the old man on
the Moped. "Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Ferrari?!"
He sees the dot again in his rear view mirror. Whooooosh! Ka-BbblaMMM!
Something plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end.
The young man jumps out. It IS the
old man!!! Both he and his Moped are in bad shape. He runs up to the old
man, concern overtaking his anger, and asks, "Lie still! You're pretty
banged up. Is there anything I can do for you?"
With a moan, the old man replies,
"Yes..... Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!" (TOP)
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A
Photographer:
Submitted by Dave Singer
A photographer for a national magazine
was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that
a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire.
The photographer arrived at the
airport just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna
airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted,
"Let's go!"
The tense man sitting in the pilot's
seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though
flying erratically.
"Fly over the north side of the
fire," said the photographer, "and make several low-level passes."
"Why?" asked the nervous pilot.
"Because I'm going to take pictures!"
yelled the photographer. "I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures."
After a long pause, the "pilot"
replied: "You mean, you're not my instructor?" (TOP)
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Y Zero K:
Submitted by Dave Singer
Translated from Latin scroll dated
2BC
Dear Cassius:
Are you still working on the Y
zero K problem? This change from BC to AD is giving us a lot of headaches
and we haven't much time left. I don't know how people will cope
with working the wrong way around. Having been working happily downwards
forever, now we have to start thinking upwards. You would think someone
would have thought of it earlier and not left it for us to sort all this
out at the last minute.
I spoke to Caesar the other evening.
He was livid that Julius hadn't done something about it when he was sorting
out the calendar. He said he could see why Brutus turned nasty.
We called in Consultus, but he simply said that continuing downwards using
minus BC won't work and as usual charged a fortune for doing nothing useful.
Surely, we will not have to throw out all our hardware and start again?
Macrohard will make yet another fortune out of this I suppose.
The moneylenders are paranoid of
course! They have been told that all usury rates will invert and
they will have to pay their clients to take out loans. It's an ill
wind....
As for myself, I just can't see
the sand in an hourglass flowing upwards. We have heard that there are
three wise men in the East who have been working on the problem, but unfortunately
they won't arrive until it's all over.
I have heard that there are plans
to stable all horses at midnight at the turn of the year as there are fears
that they will stop and try to run backwards, causing immense damage to
chariots and possible loss of life. Some say the world will cease to exist
at the moment of transition. Anyway, we are still continuing to work on
this blasted Y zero K problem. I will send a parchment to you if anything
further develops.
If you have any ideas please let
me know.
Plutonius (TOP)
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God's
Kids:
Submitted by Dave Singer
Whenever your kids are out of control
you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not
extend to God's kids. After creating heaven and earth, God created
Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was: "Don't."
"Don't what?" Adam asked.
"Don't eat the Forbidden Fruit."
God replied.
"Forbidden fruit? We got Forbidden
Fruit? Hey, Eve, we got Forbidden Fruit!"
"No way!"
"WAY!"
"Don't eat that fruit!" said God.
"Why?"
"Because I am your Father and I
said so!" said God, wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants.
A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and was angry.
"Didn't I tell you not to eat that
fruit?" the First Parent asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?"
"I dunno," Eve answered.
"She started it!" Adam said.
"Did not!"
"DID so!"
"DID NOT!"
Having had it with the two of them,
God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own...thus
the pattern was set and it has never changed. But there is reassurance
in this story. If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give
them wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be too hard on yourself.
If God has trouble handling His children, what makes you think it would
be a piece of cake for you? Advice for the day:
If you have a lot of tension
and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two
aspirin" and "Keep away from children."
(TOP)
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Here's
Your Sign:
Submitted by Dave Singer
Stupid people should have to wear
signs that just say, "I'm Stupid". That way you wouldn't rely on them,
would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me...oops,
never mind. I didn't see your sign."
It's like before my wife and I moved.
Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway.
My friend comes over and says,"Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our
stuff up once in a while to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."
A couple of months ago I went fishing
with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this
big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch
all them fish?" "Nope. Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."
I was watching one of those animal
shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark-bite
suit. And there's only one way to test it. "Alright Jimmy, you got that
shark suit on, it looks good. They want you to jump into this pool of sharks
and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you." "Well, all right but hold
my sign. I don't wanna lose it.
Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled
my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant
walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go
flat?" I couldn't resist. I said, "Nope. I was driving around and those
other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign."
We were trying to sell our car about
a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about
45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down
and grabs the exhaust pipe, then goes, "Darn that's hot!" See? If he'd
been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.
I learned to drive an 18-wheeler
in my days of adventure. Wouldn't 'ya know I misjudged the height of a
bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out no matter how I tried.
I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report.
He went through his basic questioning...ok...no problem. I thought sure
he was clear of needing a sign...until he asked "So..is your truck stuck?"
I couldn't help myself! I looked at him looked back at the rig and then
back to him and said "No, I'm delivering' a bridge . . . here's your sign."
(TOP)
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Q-Tips
and Strees:
Submitted by Jay Berkshire
I just had to share this exercise
with all of you who deal with high stress situations every day:
The following is from a seminar
called "Stress and Disease" by Dr.Nickolas Hall, an expert in psychobiology.
He gave this example of a coping skill for job stress:
When you have had one of those TAKE
THIS JOB AND SHOVE IT days, try this:
On your way home from work, stop
at your pharmacy and go to the section where they have thermometers. You
will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by *Q-Tip. Be very
sure that you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors,
draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed
during your therapy.
Change to very comfortable clothing,
such as a sweat suit and lie down onyour bed. Open the package and remove
the thermometer. Carefully place it on the bedside table so that
it will not become chipped or broken. Take out the written material
that accompanies the thermometer and read it. You will notice in
small print the statement:
"Every rectal thermometer made by
Q-Tip is PERSONALLY tested."
Now, close your eyes and repeat
out loud five times:
"I am so glad I do not work in
quality control at the Q-Tip Company."
"I am so glad I do not work in
quality control at the Q-Tip Company." (TOP)
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Children
in Church:
Submitted by John Baker
If you have kids..... you will enjoy
these, they are so cute...
A Sunday school teacher asked her
little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is
it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied,
"Because people are sleeping."
********************************
A little boy opened the big and
old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned
them. Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked it up and
looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that has been
pressed in between the pages. "Momma, look what I found," the boy called
out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment
in the young boy's voice he answered, "It's Adam's suit!!"
*********************************
The preacher was wired for sound
with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform,
jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting
wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again.
After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned
toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"
*********************************
Six-year old Angie and her four-year
old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang
and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're
not supposed to talk out loud in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?"
Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See
those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."
*********************************
My grandson was visiting one day
when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally
polished my halo while I asked,"No, how are we alike?" "You're both
old," he replied.
*********************************
A ten-year old, under the tutelage
of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then
one day she floored her grandmother by asking, "Which Virgin was the mother
of Jesus? The virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?"
*********************************
A Sunday school class was studying
the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one.
The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised
her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thous shall not take the covers off
the neighbor's wife."
*********************************
I had been teaching my three-year
old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at
bedtime, she would repeat after
me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo.
I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to
the end of the prayer: "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed,"but deliver
us some E-mail. Amen."
**********************************
A little boy was in a relative's
wedding. As he was coming down the aisle, he would take two steps,
stop, and turn to the crowd. While facing the crowd, he would put
his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, ROAR, step,
step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd
was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.
The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all
the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit.
When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being
the Ring Bear."
*******************************
One Sunday in a Midwest city, a
young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour. The
parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were
losing the battle. Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and
walked sternly up the aisle on his way out. Just before reaching
the safety of the foyer, the little one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray
for me! Pray for me!"
*******************************
And one particular four-year old
prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash
in our baskets."
*******************************
One student's prayer: "Now I lay
me down to rest, And hope to pass tomorrow's test. If I should die before
I wake, That's one less test I have to take."
*******************************
A little boy was overheard praying:
"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm
having a real good time like I am."
*******************************
A little boy was attending his first wedding.
After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded.
His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know that?"
"Easy", the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop
said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."
*******************************
After a church service on Sunday morning, a young
boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister
when I grow up."
"That's fine, son, but what made you decide that?"
"Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I
figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit and listen."
*******************************
A little girl became restless as the preacher's
sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered,
"Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"
*******************************
After the christening of his baby
brother, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the
car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy
replied, "That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, but I
want to stay with you guys!"
*******************************
Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw
pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture,
which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was
meant to represent. "The flight to Egypt," said Kyle. "I see ... And that must
be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus," Ms. Terri said. "But who's the fourth
person?" "Oh, that's Pontius-the Pilot.
*******************************
The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny,
tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
"No sir," little Johnny replies, "I don't have to. My Mom is a good cook."
*******************************
A college drama group presented a play in which
one character would stand on a trap door and announce, "I descend into hell!"
A stagehand below would then pull a rope, the trapdoor would open, and the
character would plunge through. The play was well received. When the actor
playing the part became ill, another actor who was quite overweight took his
place. When the new actor announced, "I descend into hell!" the stagehand pulled
the rope, and the actor began his plunge, but became hopelessly stuck. No amount
of tugging on the rope could make him descend. One student in the balcony
jumped up and yelled: "Hallelujah! Hell is full!"
(TOP)
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Cell
Phone Wife:
Submitted by Dave Singer
A young man wanted to get his beautiful
wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decides
to buy her a cell phone. She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows
her and explains to her all the features on the phone.
The next day the she goes shopping.
Her phone rings and it's her husband, "Hi hun," he says "how do you like
your new phone?"
She replies "I just love, it's so
small and your voice is clear as a bell but there's one thing
I don't understand though."
"What's that, baby?" asks the husband.
......(drum roll)......
"How did you know I was at Wal*Mart?"
(TOP)
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Blond
Nun:
Submitted by Dave Singer
One night a blond nun was praying
in her room when God appeared before her.
"My daughter, you have pleased me
greatly. Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures and
your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others. I
have come to you, not only to thank and commend you, but to grant you anything
you wish," said God.
"Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly
happy. I am a bride of Christ. I am doing what I love.
I lack for nothing material since the Church supports me. I am content
in all ways," said the nun.
"There must be something you would
have of me," said God.
"Well, there is one thing," she
said.
"Just name it," said God.
"It's those blonde jokes. They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere,
not just to me. I would like for blonde jokes to stop."
"Consider it done," said God.
Blonde jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans everywhere.
But surely there is something that I could do just for you."
"There is one thing. But it's
really small, and not worth your time," said the nun.
"Name it. Please," said God.
"It's the M&M's," said the nun.
"They're so hard to peel." (TOP)
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Shark
In The Water:
Submitted by Dave Singer
There is this atheist swimming in
the ocean. All of a sudden he sees this shark in the water, so he
starts swimming towards his boat. As he looks back he sees the shark turn
and head towards him.
His boat is a way off and he starts
swimming like crazy. He's scared to death, and as he turns to see
the jaws of the great white beast open revealing its teeth in a horrific
splendor, the atheist screams, "Oh God! Save me!"
In an instant time is frozen and
a bright light shines down from above. The man is motionless in the water
when he hears the voice of God say,"You are an atheist. Why do you call
upon me when you do not believe in me?"
The atheist with confusion and knowing
he can't lie - the man replies, "Well, that's true I don't believe in you,
but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?"
The Lord replies, "As you wish,"
and the light retracted back into the heavens and the man could feel the
water begin to move once again. As the atheist looks back he can
see the jaws of the shark start to close down on him, when all of sudden
the shark stops and pulls back. Shocked, the man looks at the shark as
the huge beast closes its eyes and bows its head and says, "Thank you Lord
for this food for which I am about to receive..." (TOP)
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Cop
and the Pope:
Submitted by Aunt Bess & Barb
The Pope has just finished a tour
of the Napa Valley and is taking a limousine to San Francisco. Having never
driven a limo, he asks the chauffeur if he can drive for a while. Since
the chauffeur really doesn't have much of a choice, he climbs in the back
of the limo and the Pope takes the wheel.
The Pope proceeds down Silverado,
and starts accelerating to see what the limo can do. He gets to about 90
MPH, and suddenly he sees the red & blue lights of the highway patrol
in his mirror. He pulls over and the trooper comes to his window.
The trooper, seeing who it is, says,
'Just a moment please, I need to call in.' The trooper calls in and asks
for the chief. He tells the chief that he's got a REALLY important person
pulled over, and asks how he should handle it.
'It's not Ted Kennedy again is it?'
asks the chief.
'No Sir!' replies the trooper, 'This
guy's more important.'
'Is it the Governor?' asks the chief.
'No! Even more important!' replies
the trooper.
'Is it the PRESIDENT??? asks the
chief.
'No! Even more important!' replies
the trooper.
'Well WHO THE HECK is it?' screams
the chief.
'I don't know Sir.' replies the
trooper, 'but he's got the Pope as his chauffeur.'
(TOP)
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MIT
think-tank contest:
Submitted by Dave Singer
In a recent MIT think-tank contest,
people were asked to submit sweeping theories on ANY subject. Here are
the winners:
3rd RUNNER-UP (Subject: Probability
Theory) If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number
of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite
number of highway signs, these rednecks will eventually produce Braille
versions of all the world's great literary works.
2nd RUNNER-UP (Subject: Bio-Mechanics)
Why is yawning contagious? When you yawn, you equalize the pressure around
your eardrums. The result of this pressure change outside your eardrums
ever-so-slightly unbalances other people's ear pressures, so they must
then yawn to even it out.
1st RUNNER-UP (Subject: Newtonian
Mechanics) Deforestation might actually make the earth spin faster on its
axis. Just as figure skaters' rates of spin increase when their arms are
brought in close to their bodies, the cutting of tall trees may cause our
planet to spin dangerously fast.
HONORABLE MENTION (Subject: Linguistic)
In the English language, the total quantity of consonants is constant.
If consonants are omitted in one place, they simply turn up in another.
When a Bostonian "pahks his cah," the lost 'Rs' migrate southwest, causing
a Texan to "warsh" his car.
GRAND PRIZE WINNER (Subject: Perpetual
Motion) When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast
is dropped, it always lands buttered-side down. If we strap giant slabs
of hot buttered toast to the backs of 100 tethered cats; the two opposing
forces will cause the cats to hover, spinning inches above the ground.
Using the power of this GBTCA (Giant Buttered Toast/Cat Array), a high-speed
monorail could easily link New York with Chicago.
(TOP)
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Blonde
OOP'S:
Submitted by Dave Singer
A police officer stops a blonde
for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your stupid act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to
show it to you!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit
one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on "Science
& Nature." Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone
calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then
asked, "Is it on or off?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The blonde reported for her university
final examination which consists of "yes/no" type questions. She takes
her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five
minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes
a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Yes for
Heads, No for Tails. Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest
of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, she
is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator,
alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on. "I finished the exam
in half and hour. But I'm rechecking my answers."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A blonde with two red ears went
to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she
answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking
up the phone,
accidentally picked up the iron
and stuck it to my ear." "Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief.
"But... what happened to your other
ear?" "The jerk called back." (TOP)
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What's,
How's and Other Things:
How do crazy people go through the
forest? - They take the psycho path.
How do you get holy water?
- Boil the hell out of it.
What do Eskimos get from sitting
on the ice too long? - Polaroids.
What do you call a boomerang that
doesn't work? - A stick.
What do you call cheese that isn't
yours? - Nacho Cheese.
What do you call Santa's helpers?
- Subordinate Clauses.
What do you call four bullfighters
in quicksand? - Quatro sinko.
What do you get from a pampered
cow? - Spoiled milk.
What do you get when you cross
a snowman with a vampire? - Frostbite.
What lies at the bottom of the
ocean and twitches? - A nervous wreck.
What's the difference between roast
beef and pea soup? - Anyone can roast beef.
Where do you find a dog with no
legs? - Right where you left him.
Why do bagpipers walk when they
play? - They're trying to get away from the noise.
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
- Because they have big fingers
What is a zebra? -
An undergarment that's 26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.
What do you get when you cross
a pit bull with a collie? - A dog that runs for help ... after
it bites your leg off.
Why don't blind people like to
sky dive? - Because it scares the hell out of the dog.
What does it mean when the flag
is at half-mast at the Post Office? - They're hiring.
What kind of coffee was served
on the Titanic? - Sanka.
What is the difference between
a Harley and a Hoover? - The position of the dirt bag.
Why does a pilgrim's pants always
fall down? - Because they wear their belt buckle on their hat.
What's the difference between a
bad golfer and a bad skydiver? - A bad golfer goes, WHACK!
"Dang." - A bad skydiver goes, "Dang." WHACK!
What's black and brown and looks
good on a lawyer? - A Doberman.
What goes clop, clop, clop, bang,
bang, clop clop clop? - An Amish drive-by shooting"
How are a Texas tornado and a Texas
divorce the same? - Somebody's gonna lose a trailer.
How do you get a lawyer out of
a tree? - Cut the rope!
How many Harvard students does
it take to change a tire? - Two - one to hold the
drinks and one to call dad.
Ever wonder
about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian
water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
Isn't making
a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a
swimming pool?
If 4 out of 5
people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?
If people
from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
If love is
blind, why is lingerie so popular?
When someone
asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two cents in . . .
what happens to the other penny?
Why is the
man who invests all your money called a broker?
When cheese
gets its picture taken, what does it say?
Why is a
person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race
car not called a racist?
Why are a
wise man and a wise guy opposites?
Why do
overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
If lawyers
are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians
can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed,
tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
What hair
color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
I thought
about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so
I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
Why do they
put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to
do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage
stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
If it's true
that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here
for?
You never
really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
No one ever
says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
Ever wonder
what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
Last night I
played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
If a cow
laughed, would milk come out of her nose? (TOP)
(Back
to Humor Index)
Telemarketing:
Submitted by Dave Singer
One thing that has always bugged
me, and I'm sure it does most of you, is to sit down at the dinner table
only to be interrupted by a phone call from a telemarketer. I decided,
on one such occasion, to try to be as irritating as they were to me. The
call was from AT&T and it went something like this:
Me: Hello
AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T...
Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes This is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: YES! This is AT&T,
may I speak to Mr. Byron please?
Me: May I ask who is calling?
AT&T: This is AT&T.
Me: OK, hold on.
At this point I put the phone down
for a solid 5 minutes thinking that,surely,this person would have hung
up the phone. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver,
they were still waiting.
Me: Hello?
AT&T: Is this Mr. Byron?
Me: May I ask who is calling please?
AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...
Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, is this Mr. Byron?
Me: Yes, is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: The phone company?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: I thought you said this was
AT&T.
AT&T: Yes sir, we are a phone
company.
Me: I already have a phone.
AT&T: We aren't selling phones
today Mr. Byron.
Me: Well whatever it is, I'm really
not interested but thanks for calling.
When you are not interested in something,
I don't think you can express yourself any plainer than by saying "I'm
really not interested", but this lady was persistent.
AT&T: Mr. Byron we would like
to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day,7 days a week, 365 days
a year.
Now, I am sure she meant she was
offering a "rate" of 10 cents a minute but she at no time used the word
rate. I could clearly see that it was time to whip out the trusty old calculator
and do a little ciphering.
Me: Now, that's 10 cents a minute
24 hours a day?
AT&T: (getting a little excited
at this point by my interest) Yes sir that's right! 24 hours a day!
Me: 7 days a week?
AT&T: That's right.
Me: 365 days a year?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: I am definitely interested
in that! Wow!!! That's amazing!
AT&T: We think so!
Me: That's quite a sum of money!
AT&T: Yes sir, it's amazing
how it ads up.
Me: OK, so will you send me checks
weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full
$52,560, and if you send an annual check,can I get a cash advance?
AT&T: Excuse me?
Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute.
AT&T: What are you talking
about?
Me: You said you'd give me 10 cents
a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes
to $144 per day, $1008 per week and $52,560 per year. I'm just interested
in knowing how you will be making payment.
AT&T: Oh no sir I didn't mean
we'd be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a minute.
Me: Wait a minute here!!! Didn't
you say you'd give me 10 cents a minute. Are you sure this is AT&T?
AT&T: Well, yes this is AT&T
sir but......
Me: But nothing, how do you figure
that by saying that you'll give me 10 cents a minute that I'll give you
10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme?
I've read about things like this in the Enquirer you know. Don't
use your alien brainwashing techniques on me.
AT&T: No sir we are offering
10 cents a minute for.....
Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak
to a supervisor please!
AT&T: Sir I don't think that
is necessary.
Me: Sure! You say that now! What
happens later?
AT&T: What?
Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!
AT&T: Yes Mr. Byron. Please
hold on.
So now AT&T has me on hold and
my supper is getting cold. I begin to eat while I'm waiting for a supervisor.
After a wait of a few minutes and while I have a mouth full of food:
Supervisor: Mr. Byron?
Me: Yeth?
Supervisor: I understand you are
not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program.
Me: Id thish Ath Teeth & Teeth?
Supervisor: Yes sir, it sure is.
I had to swallow before I choked
on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter and I had to
be careful not to produce a snort.
Me: No, actually I was just waiting
for someone to get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan.
Supervisor: OK, no problem, I'll
transfer you back to the person who was helping you.
Me: Thank you.
I was on hold once again and was
getting really hungry. I needed to end this conversation. Suddenly,
there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.
AT&T: Hello Mr. Byron, I understand
that you are interested in signing up for our plan?
Me: Do you have that friends and
family thing because you can never have enough friends and I'm an only
child and I'd really like to have a little brother...
AT&T: (click) (TOP)
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