OUR
TOP 15 + THINNEST BOOKS:
23. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
- by O. J. Simpson
22. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
- by Dennis Rodman
21. THE WILD YEARS - by Al Gore
20. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE
PACIFIC OCEAN
19. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
18. DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE
17. GEORGE FOREMAN'S BIG BOOK OF
BABY NAMES
16. TO ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE
- by Ellen DeGeneres
15. BEAUTY SECRETS by
Janet Reno
14. HOME BUILT AIRPLANES by John Denver
13. HOW TO GET TO THE SUPER BOWL by Dan Marino
12. THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton
11. MY LIFE'S MEMORIES by Ronald Reagan
10. THINGS I CAN'T AFFORD by Bill Gates
9. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY - by Dennis Rodman
8. THE WILD YEARS - by Al Gore
7. DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
6. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
5. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN
4. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
3. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES - by the Sierra Club
2. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
And the World's Number One Shortest
book...
1. MY BOOK OF MORALS AND VIRTUES - by Bill Clinton (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
Top 25
+ Signs That You've Already Grown Up:
1. Your potted plants stay alive.
2. Fooling around in a twin sized bed is absurd.
3. You keep more food than emptiness in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and breakup.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up'.
10. You're the one calling the police because those darn kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling personal jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.
17. Dinner and a movie = The whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.
19. You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids.
20. A $4.00 dinner is no longer 'pretty good meal'!
21. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
22. Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese, diet Pepsi & Ho-Ho's.
23. "I just can't eat the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to eat that much again."
24. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
25. You eat at home to save money before going to a restaurant.
26.
When you kiss, you also exchange dentures.
27.
You turn out the lights for economic rather than romantic reasons.
28.
You sit in a rocking chair and as hard as you try, just can't get it going.
29.
You know all the answers but nobody asks you the questions.
30.
You have to plan, how to fit all the medicine in one cabinet!
31.
The feisty old gray haired man you help across the street is your husband.
32.
The only gleam left in your eyes is the sun hitting your bifocals.
33.
Your back goes out and you blames some guy named Mr. Arthur.
(TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
Woooooo!
Submitted by Dave Singer
There were two Northerners and a Southern fellow
walking along together in the desert, when, all of a sudden, one of the
Northerners took off and ran up this hill to the mouth of a cave.
He stopped and hollered into the cave..."Woooooo!
Woooooo! Woooooo!" and then listened very closely until he heard the
answer..."Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" He then tore off his clothes and
ran in to the cave.
The Southerner fellow was puzzled and asked the other
Northerner what that was all about, was that Northerner goofy or
something.
"No", said the other Northerner.
"It is mating time for us Northerner and when you see a cave and
holler, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!", and get an answer back, that
means that she is in there waiting for you.
Well, just about that time, the other Northerner saw
another cave. He took off and ran up to the cave, then stopped and hollered,
"Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" When he heard the return, "Woooooo!
Woooooo! Woooooo!", off came the clothes and into the cave he goes.
The Southerner guy starts running around the
desert...looking for a cave to find these women that the Northerners had talked
about. All of a sudden, he looked up and saw this great big cave. As he
looked in amazement, he was thinking, "Man! Look at the size of that
cave! It's bigger then the ones that those Northerners found. There must really
be something really great in this cave!"
Well... he took off up the hill at a super fast speed
with his hopes of ecstasy and grandeur. He got in front of the cave and
hollered, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" He was just
tickled all over when he heard the answering call of, "WOOOOOOOOO!
WOOOOOOOOO!! WOOOOOOOOO!!! Off came his clothes and, with a big
smile on his face, he raced into the cave.
The next day, in the newspaper, the head lines read:
NAKED SOUTHERNER RUN OVER BY
FREIGHT TRAIN!!! (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
You Know
You're From Texas When:
Submitted by Jay Berkshire
* You only know five spices-salt, pepper, Ranch
dressing, BBQ Sauce and ketchup.
* You design your Halloween costume to fit over
Wranglers and Cowboy Boots.
* The mosquitoes have landing lights.
* You have more miles on your tractor than your car.
* You have 10 favorite recipes for Deer meat.
* You've taken your kids trick-or-treating when it was
90 degrees outside.
* Driving is better after it's rained because the
potholes are filled with mud and you don't have to take those back roads to go
"mudding."
* You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel
nightie with only 8 buttons.
* You owe more money on your bulldozer than your car.
* The local paper covers national and international
news on 1/4 page, but requires 6 pages for local sports.
* You can write a check at Dairy Queen for 2
Hunger-Busters and Fries.
* At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat
processing plant.
* The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
* Your leaf-blower gets stuck on the roof.
* You think the start of Deer season is a national
holiday.
* You frequently clean grease off your barbecue so the
coyotes won't prowl on your deck.
* You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
* The major county fund-raiser isn't bingo - it's
sausage making.
*You find 70 degrees Fahrenheit a little chilly.
* The trunk of your car doubles as a sauna.
* You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your
finest jewelry, and your Cowboy Boots.
* You know 4 seasons - Almost Summer, Summer, Still
Summer and Deer Season.
* You know that tshirts come in sizes: small, medium,
large and pot belly.
* You complement your neighbor on how good he looks not
because he has a 6 pack but because he has a 6 case!
* You actually get these jokes and forward them to all
your friends so they know how cultured the great State of Texas
is. (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
Mom's Dictionary:
Submitted by Jay Berkshire
AMNESIA: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to make
love again.
DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to
keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when your baby doesn't appreciate the strained
carrots.
FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're mad at him.
GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though
they're sure you're not raising them right.
HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do
everything we say.
OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.
PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry
shoes into it.
SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.
STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your
last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.
TWO MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those
familiar grunting noises.
VERBAL: able to whine in words
WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house...
(TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
One Kiss Per Yard:
Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a
pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress.
How much does it cost?"
"Only one kiss per yard, " replied the smirking male clerk.
"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk
hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly.
The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside
her.
"Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.
(TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
Woman's Upgrading:
Submitted by Jay Berkshire
Dear Tech Support:
Recently I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0
and noticed that the new program began
making unexpected changes to the accounting software, severely limiting
access to wardrobe, flower and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly
under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product
brochure.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable
programs such as DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and
installs new, undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, SaturdayFootball 5.0,
Golf 2.4 and ClutterEverywhere 4.5. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and
invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run DiaperChanging
14.1or HouseCleaning 2.6. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but
this all purpose utility is of only limited effectiveness. Can you help,
please!!
Sincerely, XXX
Dear XXX:
This is a very common problem women complain about, but
it is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend
5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT
package. However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its
creator to run as few applications as possible.
Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to
Boyfriend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden
operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to
emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained.
It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the
program files from the system, once installed. Any new program files can only be
installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error
messages are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0.
In desperation to play some of their "old
time" favorite applications, or to get new applications to work, some women
have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up
with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0.
Look in your manual under "Warnings: Divorce/Child
Support." You will notice that this program runs very poorly, and comes
bundled with HeartBreak 1.3. I recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and just learn
the quirks of this strange and illogical system.
Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also
suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults [GPFs].
This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0,
secretly installed by the parent company
as an integral part of the operating system.
Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL
faults and problems, regardless of root cause. To activate this great
feature enter the command "C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME".
Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while
entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications
Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.
TECH TIP!
Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create
additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a
C:\ I APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal
operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence
2.5, or worse yet, to BeefEater 6.0.
BeefEater 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband
1.0 to create FatBelly files and SnoringLoudly wave files that are very hard to
delete. Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip!
Just remember! The system will run smoothly, and take
the blame for all GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only
intermittently run all the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran. Husband 1.0 is a
great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications
quickly.
Consider buying additional software to improve
performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience
10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband
1.0 running smoothly.
After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become
familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as
FixBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and BestFriend 7.6.
A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any
circumstances, install MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported
application, and will cause selective shutdown of the operating system.
Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until MotherInLaw
1.0 is uninstalled.
I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing
to install Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of
luck in coming years. We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!
Tech Support (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
CONCERNS
FOR BABY BOOMERS - THEN AND NOW:
Submitted by Dave Singer
Then: Long hair
Now: Longing for hair
Then: Acid rock
Now: Acid reflux
Then: Moving to California because it's cool
Now: Moving to California because it's warm
Then: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents
Now: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your kids
Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor
Now: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor
Then: Our president's struggle with Fidel
Now: Our president's struggle with fidelity
Then: Paar
Now: AARP
Then: Hoping for a BMW
Now: Hoping for a BM
Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint
Now: Getting a new hip joint
Then: Mood stones
Now: Kidney stones
Then: Peace sign
Now: Mercedes Logo
Then: Father Knows Best
Now: Go ask your mother!
Then: Parents begging you to get a haircut
Now: Children begging you to get their head shaved
Then: VW Microbus
Now: Voyager Minivan
Then: Passing the driving test
Now: Passing the vision test
Then: "Whatever!"
Now: Depends (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
Can you
see it, really neat isn't it:
Submitted by Dave Singer
Don't cheat...it is really cool, follow the
instructions.
The object of this exercise is to see if you can find the hidden image
in the group of characters below....it takes some concentration, but
it's worth it. You'll be quite surprised when you see what it is.
{{{{{{{ ===**++++*****+++++++++++????????/////////////% \\\\\\
@@@@@444+=+=****&^"""""}}}|||||||]]]<><><><>%%
>>\=///////^^!~~~~::---)))))*****+++@@@@@@@@<%
>====||\\\\\/////////*****<><><><><><><>{}{}{}{}[][][][]%%%
>$$$&&$$&$$===~|~|~|~|====++(*^*^*^*^*^*^*)----------%%%
Think about what you think it is, and then scroll to the bottom for the
answer!
----------------------------------------------------
----------------------------------------------------
----------------------------------------------------
----------------------------------------------------
----------------------------------------------------
----------------------------------------------------
----------------------------------------------------
You know what it is?
----------------------------------------------------
----------------------------------------------------
----------------------------------------------------
----------------------------------------------------
Give Up?
----------------------------------------------------
----------------------------------------------------
----------------------------------------------------
----------------------------------------------------
OK, I'll give you one more chance if you don't know....scroll back up
and put your nose right up on the screen, then slowly back away while staring at
the picture...that usually makes it easier for most people.
Scroll down when you want the answer......
----------------------------------------------------
----------------------------------------------------
----------------------------------------------------
----------------------------------------------------
----------------------------------------------------
----------------------------------------------------
----------------------------------------------------
----------------------------------------------------
----------------------------------------------------
OK! Here's the answer for you: It's..........NOTHING!!
I can't believe you fell for that one! I hope someone walked by and saw
you pressing your nose against the screen and looking at it cross-eyed!
OK, now that you hate me, forward this on to whoever and have some fun!
But...I GOT YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
How
To Know When To Join E-Mailers Anonymous:
Submitted by Jay Berkshire
10. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and
check your
e-mail on the way back to bed.
9.Your firstborn is named dotcom.
8. You turn off your modem and are suddenly filled with a feeling of
emptiness, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
7. You spend half of a plane trip with your laptop in your lap ..
and your child in the overhead compartment.
6. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just
for the free Internet access.
5. You find yourself typing "com" after every period.com
4. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
3. You move into a new home and decide to netscape before you
landscape.
2. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)
1. Immediately after reading this list, you e-mail it to everyone
you know !!! (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
Quotations by
V.P. Al Gore:
These Items naturally at this
time remain unsubstantiated at the present time but are naturally
still humorous and even more so (sadly) if they are true. If you know of an item
listed below that is true - please send me a note at reply1@fountaingateway.com
1) "If we don't succeed, we run
the risk of failure."
2) "Democrats understand the importance of bondage
between a mother and child."
3) "Mars is essentially in the same orbit ... Mars is
somewhat the same
distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures
here there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that
means
there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe." 8/11/94
4) "The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's
history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I
didn't live in this century." 9/15/95
5) "I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more
freedom and
democracy - but that could change." 5/22/98
6) "One word sums up probably the responsibility of any
vice president, & that one word is 'to be prepared.'" 12/6/93
7) "I have made good judgments in the past. I have made
good judgments in the future."
8) "The future will be better tomorrow."
9) "We're going to have the best-educated American people
in the world." 9/21/97
10) "People that are really very weird can get into sensitive
positions and have a tremendous impact on history."
11) "I stand by all the mis-statements that I've made."
to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93
12) "We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO.
We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."
13) "Public speaking is very easy." to reporters in
10/95
14) "A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going
to the
polls."
15) "When I have been asked who caused the riots and the
killing in L.A., my answer has been direct & simple: Who is to blame for the
riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The
killers are to blame."
16) "We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not
occur." 9/22/97
17) "Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach
our
children." 9/18/95
18) "We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to
enlighten you on
the mistakes we may or may not have made."
19) "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's
the impurities
in our air and water that are doing it."
AND TO ALL USERS OF THE INTERNET, THE ALL TIME FAVORITE QUOTATION OF MR. AL
GORE:
20) "As many of you know, I was very
instrumental in the founding of
the Internet." to Katie Couric 3/99
(TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
The Ant and the
Grasshopper:
Submitted by Dave Singer
ORIGINAL VERSION
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and
laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and
laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and
well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the
cold.
MODERN AMERICAN VERSION
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and
laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and
laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to
know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold
and starving. CBS, NBC and ABC show up to provide pictures of the
shivering grasshopper next to video of the ant in his comfortable home with a
table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can
it be that, in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to
suffer so? Then a representative of the NAGB (The National Association of Green
Bugs) shows up on Nightline and charges the ant with green bias, and makes the
case that the grasshopper is the victim of 30 million years of greenism.
Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries
when he sings "It's not easy
being green." Bill and Hillary Clinton make a special guest
appearance on the CBS Evening News to tell a concerned Dan Rather that they will
do everything they can for the grasshopper who has been denied the
prosperity he deserves by those who benefited unfairly during the Reagan
summers. Richard Gephardt exclaims in an interview with Peter Jennings that the
ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and calls for an immediate
tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share." Finally,
the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti-Greenism Act"
retroactive to the
beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a
proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his
retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government. Hillary gets
her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against
the ant. And the case is tried before a panel of federal hearing officers
that Bill appointed from a list of single-parent welfare moms who can only
hear cases on Thursday's between 1:30 and 3:00 PM. The ant loses the case.
The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's
food while the government house he's in, which just happens to be the
ant's old house, crumbles around him since he doesn't know how to maintain
it. The ant has disappeared in the snow. And on the TV, which the
grasshopper bought by selling most of the ant's food, they are showing Bill
Clinton standing before a wildly applauding group of Democrats announcing that a
new era of "fairness" has dawned in America. (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
Amazing Pick A Number:
Submitted by Dave Singer
DO NOT skip ahead or you will ruin it!
Pick a number 1-10
Multiply that number by 9
If the number you now have has 2 digits, add the two digits together
Subtract 5 from your number
Figure out what letter of the alphabet corresponds to your number (1=A,2=B, 3=C
and so on)
Think of a country that begins with that letter
Take the LAST letter of the country and think of an
animal that begins with that letter
Take the LAST letter of the animal and think of a fruit that begins with that
letter
Are you thinking of a kangaroo in Denmark eating an orange? If not, you
are among only 2% of the population whose minds work differently enough from
others to come up with a different answer. 98% end up with the kangaroo in
Denmark eating the orange. (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
Mustard: (A truly sickening
story!)
Submitted by Dave Singer
As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab
of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown,
gourmet mustard. The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried
it to the picnic table in our backyard, Picked it up with both hands but
was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side.
"Hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my
sandwich," she said. I had him balanced between my left elbow and
shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a
streak of mustard on my fingers.
I love mustard. I had no napkin. I licked it off. It
was not mustard.
No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first
and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth
in each hand I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my
tongue.
Later (after she stopped crying from laughing so hard)
my wife said, "Now you know why they call that mustard 'Poupon.'"
(TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
Unanswered Questions
Or Wordplay:
1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
6. Why do "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
7. Why do "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
8. Why do 'tug' boats push their barges?
9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light" ?
12. Doesn't 'expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
13. Why are a 'wise man' and a 'wise guy' opposites?
14. Why do 'overlook' and 'oversee' mean opposite things?
15. Why is phonics not spelled the way it sounds?
16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
26. Why do we say something is out of
whack? What's a whack?
27. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does
it say?
28. Why are
wise man and wise guy opposites?
29.
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast.
The mime next door went nuts.
30. Do Tea company employees take coffee breaks?
31. Whatever happened to Preparations A thru G?
32. "I am" is reportedly the shortest
sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest
sentence?
33. Do
infants enjoy infancy as much as adults seem to enjoy adultery?
34. If practice
makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
35. When an
agnostic dies, do they go to the "Great Perhaps"?
36. Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called
rush hour?
37. Can atheists get insurance for
"Acts Of God"?
38. If procrastinators had a club
would they ever have a meeting?
39. If the #2
pencil is the most popular why is it still Number Two?
40. Have you ever wondered why one letter makes the
difference between here and there?
41. When you
go into a hotel you always see "reception". Why do you never see "ception"?
42. If time heals all wounds, how come
the belly button stays the same?
43. Isn't it strange that the same people who laugh at Gypsy fortune tellers
take economists seriously?
44. Why is there
always one in a crowd?
45. If all the world is a
stage, then where does the audience sit?
46. Is
it possible to have deju vu and
amnesia at the same time?
47. Why
do hair shampoo instructions say
"Lather, Rinse, and Repeat". If you did this, would you ever be able to stop?
48. Who decided that
"Hotpoint" would be a good name for a company that sells refrigerators?
49. How do you know when it is a good time to tune
bagpipes? (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
Signs
Your Co-Worker Is A Hacker:
Submitted by Jay Berkshire
- Everyone who ticks him or her off gets a
$26,000 phone bill.
- Has won the Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes three years running.
- When asked for their phone number, they give it in hex.
- Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.
- Somehow gets HBO on their PC at work.
- Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeeez!" 295 times during the movie "The
Net."
- Massive 401k contribution made in half-cent increments.
- Their video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons.
- Instead of the "Welcome" voice on AOL, you overhear, "Good
Morning, Mr./Mrs. President."
- You hear them murmur, "Let's see you use that VISA card now,
Professor
"I-Don't-Give-A's-In-Computer-Science!" (TOP)
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Zen Humor:
Submitted by Jay Berkshire
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not
lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk
beside me, either; just leave me alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a
leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your
neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be
promoted.
5. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
6. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
8. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a
warning to others.
9. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities
without your help.
10. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car
payments.
11. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
12. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
13. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,
and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.
14. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was
probably worth it.
(TOP)
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Bras:
Submitted by Dave Singer
A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's store and shyly walked up to
the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my
wife."
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquires the man, "there are more than one type?"
"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in
every shape, color and material imaginable. "Actually," she continued,
"even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to
choose from."
Relieved, the man asked about the types.
The saleslady replied, "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army,
the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?"
Now befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type
supports the masses. The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen. The Presbyterian
type keeps them staunch and upright, and the Baptist type makes mountains
out of mole hills." (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
"Bible
Riddles 1"
Submitted by Jay & Cynthia Berkshire
Q. Who was the greatest financier in the
Bible?
A. Noah; he was floating his stock while everyone was in liquidation.
Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter; she went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a
little prophet.
Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he got married?
A. Ruth-less.
Q. Who was the first drug addict in the Bible?
A. Nebuchadnezzar; he was on grass for seven years.
Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.
A. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.
A. Honda... because the apostles were all in one Accord.
A. 2 Cor. 4:8 describes going out in service in a Volkswagen, "We are
pressed in every way, but not cramped beyond movement."
Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson; he brought the house down.
Q. Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
A. In the Big Inning, Eve stole first, Adam stole second, Cain struck out Abel,
and the Prodigal Son came home. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.
Q. How did Adam and Eve feel when expelled from the Garden of Eden?
A. They were really put out.
Q. What is one of the first things that Adam and Eve did after they were kicked
out?
A. They really raised Cain.
Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in
Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home
Q. How long did Cain hate his brother?
A. As long as he was Abel!
Q. What was the last thing Noah said before he entered the Ark?
A. So long Fellers!
Q. The ark was built in 3 stories and the top story had a window to let light
in, but how did they get light to the bottom 2 stories?
A. They used floodlights.
Q. After the flood, how many people left the ark ahead of Noah?
A. 3 because the Bible says that Noah went forth out of the ark
Q. Where is the first mention of insurance in the Bible?
A. When Adam and Eve needed more coverage.
Q. Where is another mention of insurance in the Bible?
A. When David gave Goliath a piece of the rock. (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
Traffic Tickets:
Submitted by Dave & Debbie Singer
GOOD:
A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting
many. Then, he discovered the problem-a 10-year old boy was standing up the road
with a hand painted sign which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD." The officer
then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading "TIPS"
and a bucket full of change.
BETTER:
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar.
A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a
picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo-of
handcuffs.
BEST:
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer walked to
her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are
going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball." He
replied, "Highway patrolmen don't have balls." There was a moment of
silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed
his book, got back on his motorcycle and left. She was laughing too hard to
start her car for several minutes. (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
NEW
Company Policies Memo:
Submitted by Dave and Debbie Singer
NEW COMPANY POLICIES:
SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE: We will no longer
accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the
doctor, you are able to come to work.
SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you
need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you
intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can
do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have
non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee
involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late
afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour
and
subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is enough to
keep the job going in your absence.
YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least
two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your replacement.
REST ROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the rest room. In the
future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For
instance, those whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees
whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on.
If you're unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next
day when your time comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their
time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must approve this
exchange.
In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end
of three minutes, an alarm bell will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract,
and the stall door will open.
PAYCHECK GUIDE: The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our
employees better understand their paychecks:
Item Amount:
Gross pay $1,222.02
Income tax $244.40
Outgo tax $45.21
State tax $11.61
Interstate tax $61.10
County tax $6.11
City tax $12.22
Rural tax $4.44
Back tax $1.11
Front tax $1.16
Side tax $1.61
Up tax $2.22
Down tax $1.11
Tic-Tacs $1.98
Thumbtacks $3.93
Carpet tacks $0.98
Stadium tax $0.69
Flat tax $8.32
Surtax $3.46
Corporate tax $2.60
Parking fee $5.00
F.I.C.A. $81.88
T.G.I.F. Fund $9.95
Life insurance $5.85
Health insurance $16.23
Dental insurance $4.50
Mental insurance $4.33
Reassurance $0.11
Disability $2.50
Ability $0.25
Liability $3.41
Unreliability $10.99
Coffee $6.85
Coffee Cups $66.51
Floor rental $16.85
Chair rental $0.32
Desk rental $4.32
Union dues $5.85
Union dont's $3.77
Cash advance $0.69
Cash retreats $121.35
Overtime $1.26
Undertime $54.83
Eastern time $9.00
Central time $8.00
Mountain time $7.00
Pacific time $6.00
Time Out $12.21
Oxygen $10.02
Water $16.54
Heat $51.42
Cool air $26.83
Hot air $20.00
Miscellaneous $113.29
Sundry $12.09
Various $8.01
Net Take Home Pay $0.02
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive
employment experience. All questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations,
contemplations, consternations, or input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week. (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
How many women?!:
Submitted by Dave and Debbie Singer
Q: How many women with PMS does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
A: One... ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE?
Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't
even know the bulb is BURNED OUT! They would sit in this house in the dark
for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out
they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been
in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some
miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they
dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would
STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED
WRAPPER THAT THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO
ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T
ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT
THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS...
Oh, I'm sorry...what did you ask me? (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
