Aircraft Maintenance Records
- Examples
of a "kinder, gentler" support team...
Submitted by Jay & Cynthia
Berkshire
These are some actual maintenance
work orders submitted by US Air Force pilots, and the replies from the
maintenance crews.
Problem: Left inside main tire almost
needs replacement
Solution: Almost replaced left
inside main tire
Problem: Test flight OK, except
autoland very rough
Solution: Autoland not installed
on this aircraft
Problem: #2 Propeller seeping prop
fluid
Solution: #2 Propeller seepage
normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage
Problem: The autopilot doesn't.
Solution: It does now!
Problem: Something loose in cockpit
Solution: Something tightened in
cockpit
Problem: Evidence of leak on right
main landing gear
Solution: Evidence removed
Problem: DME (Distance Measuring
Equipment) volume unbelievably loud
Solution: Volume set to more believable
level
Problem: Dead bugs on windshield
Solution: Live bugs on order
Problem: IFF (Identification Friend
or Foe) inoperative
Solution: IFF always inoperative
in OFF mode
Problem: Friction locks cause throttle
levers to stick
Solution: That's what they're there
for
Problem: Number three engine missing
Solution: Engine found on right
wing after brief search
Problem: Aircraft handles funny
Solution: Aircraft warned to "straighten
up, fly right, and be serious!"
Problem: Target Radar hums
Solution: Reprogrammed Target Radar
with the lyrics (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
Police Trainees:
A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it.
"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"
The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his profile."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks
her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him? He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."
The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses."
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.
"Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that." He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.
"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"
"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."
(TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
Thank
you Lord:
Submitted by Dave and Debbie Singer
An atheist was taking a walk
through the woods, admiring all that the "accident of evolution" had
created.
"What
majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to
himself. As he walked alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes
behind him. As he turned to look, he saw a seven-foot grizzly charge towards
him.
He
ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that
the bear was closing in on him. He tried to run even faster, so scared that
tears were coming to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear
was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically as he tried to run even
faster, but he tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up
and saw the bear right on top of him raising his paw to kill him.
At
that instant he cried out "Oh my God!"
Just then, time stopped. The bear froze; the forest was silent; the river even
stopped moving. A bright light shone upon the man, and a voice came out of the
sky saying, "You deny my existence all of these years; teach others I don't
exist; even credit my creation to a cosmic accident, and now do you expect me to
help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a
believer?"
The
atheist, ever so proud, looked into the light and said, "It would be rather
hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years, but could you make
the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice.
As
the light went out, the river ran, and the sounds of the forest continued, the
bear put his paw down. The bear then brought both paws together, bowed his head
and said: "Lord, I thank you for this food, which I am about to
receive."
(TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
Exercise
Insights:
Submitted by Dave and Debbie Singer
~ It is well documented that for
every mile that you jog, you add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85
years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.
~ My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now
and we don't know where on earth she is!
~ The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy
breathing again.
~ I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to show up.
~ I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm
doing.
~ I don't exercise at all. If God meant for us to touch our toes, he would have
put them further up on our body.
~ I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
~ I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
~ The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
~ If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
~ I don't jog, it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mikey's Thot for the Day: Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are
sticking to their diet.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
The
Hazards of Technical Support
Submitted by Jay and Cindy Berkshire
Tech Guide
Here's a peek into the thoughts of computer techs worldwide... an end-user's
guide to technical services. (well maybe NOT!!!)
1. When a tech says he's coming right over, log out and go for coffee. It's no
problem for us to remember 2700 network passwords.
2. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried
under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers,
and trophies. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a
fleeting glimpse of yours.
3. When tech support sends you an e-mail with high importance, delete it at
once. We're probably just testing out the email system.
4. When a tech is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and explain your
problem (s) and expect him to respond immediately. We exist only to serve and
are always ready to think about fixing computers.
5. When a tech is at the coffee machine or outside having a smoke, ask him a
computer question. The only reason why we drink coffee or smoke at all is to
ferret out all those users who don't have eMail or a telephone line.
6. Send urgent eMail ALL IN UPPERCASE. The mail server picks it up and flags it
as a rush delivery.
7. When you call a tech's direct line, press 5 to skip the bilingual greeting
that says he's out of town for a week, record your message, and wait exactly 24
hours before you send an eMail straight to the director because no one ever
returned your call. You're entitled to common courtesy.
8. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics
in it, right?
9. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer support. We
can even fix telephone problems from here.
10. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on a tech's chair with no
name, no phone number, and no description of the problem. We love a good
mystery.
11. When you have a tech on the phone walking you through changing a setting;
read the paper. We don't actually mean for you to DO anything; we just love to
hear ourselves talk.
12. When we offer training on the upcoming OS upgrade, don't bother going. We'll
be there to hold your hand after it is done.
13. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs
frequently just disappear for no reason.
14. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68
printers in the office. One of them is bound to work.
15. Don't use online help. Online help is for wimps.
16. If you're taking night classes in computer science, feel free to go around
and update the network drivers for you and all your co-workers. We're grateful
for the overtime when we have to stay until 2:30am fixing them.
17. When you have a tech fixing your computer at a quarter past one, eat your
lunch in his face. We function better when slightly dizzy.
18. Don't ever thank us. We love this AND we get paid for it!
19. When a tech asks you whether you've installed any new software on this
computer, lie. It's nobody's business what you've got on your computer.
20. If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift
the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed to have 45
lbs. of computer sitting on top of them.
21. If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the mail
upgrade. Keyboards work much better with half a pound of muffin crumbs, nail
clippings, and big sticky drops of Coke under the keys.
22. When you get the message saying "Are you sure?" click on that
"Yes" button as fast as you can. Heck, if you weren't sure, you
wouldn't be doing it, would you?
23. Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about that
computer crap". It never bothers us to hear our area of professional
expertise referred to as crap.
24. When you need to change the toner cartridge, call tech support. Changing a
toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and Hewlett-Packard recommends
that it be performed only by a professional engineer with a Master's degree in
nuclear physics.
25. When something's the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to call
the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a third party who
doesn't know nothing about the problem.
26. When you receive a 30-meg movie file, send it to everyone as a high-priority
mail attachment. We've got plenty of disk space and processor capacity on that
mail server.
27. Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller chunks. God
forbid somebody else might get a chance to squeeze into the print queue.
28. When you bump into a tech in the grocery store on a Saturday, ask a computer
question. We work 24 hours a day 7 days a week, even while at the grocery store
on weekends.
29. If your son is a student in computer science, have him come in on the
weekends and do his projects on your office computer. We'll be there for you
when his illegal copy of Visual Basic 6.0 makes your Access database flip out.
30. When you bring us your own no-brand home PC to repair for free at the
office, tell us how urgently we need to fix it so your son can get back to
playing DOOM. We'll get right on it because we have so much free time at the
office. Everybody knows all we do is surf the Internet all day
anyway. (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
Application
To DATE MY Daughter:
Submitted by Jay and Cindy Berkshire
Please Feel Free
to copy this application and use it!
|
APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE
MY DAUGHTER NOTE:
This application will be incomplete and rejected
unless accompanied by a complete financial statement job history, lineage,
and current medical report from your doctor.
1. NAME _______________________________ DATE OF
BIRTH ________________
2. HEIGHT ____________________ WEIGHT __________
I.Q _______ G.P.A.______
3. SOCIAL SECURITY # _____________ DRIVERS
LICENSE # __________________
4. BOY SCOUT
RANK____________________________________________________
5. HOME ADDRESS _________________ CITY/STATE
___________ ZIP _________
6. Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE
parent?___________________________ If No., EXPLAIN
___________________________________________________
7. Number of years your parents have been married
____________________________
8. Do you own a van? ______ A truck with
oversized tires? ______ A waterbed? _______ Do you have an earring, nose
ring, or belly button ring? A tattoo_________________ (If "yes"
to any of #8, discontinue application and leave premises )
9. In 50 words or less, what does
"LATE" mean to you?____________________
_______________________________________________________________________
10. In 50 words or lest, what does "DON'T
TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you?
_________________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________
11. In 50 words or less, what does
'ABSTINENCE" mean to you?
_____________________________________________________________________
12. Church you attend _____________ How often do
you attend __________________
13. When would be the best time to interview your
father, mother and priest/rabbi/minister? __________
14. Answer by filling in the blank: please answer
freely. ALL answers are confidential (That means I won't tell
anyone-ever-I promise.)
a) If I were shot the last place on my body I
would want wounded is ________
b) If I were beaten, the last bone I would want
broken is my ________________
c) A woman's place is in the
________________________________________
d) The one thing I hope this application does not
ask me about is _____________
e) When I first meet a girl, the first thing I
notice about her is her ______________
( NOTE: If your answer begins with "T"
or "A", discontinue. Leave premises keeping your head low and
running in a serpentine fashion is advised.)
15. What do you want to be IF you grow up?
__________________________________
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS
TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH,
DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER
TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.
________________________________________
Signature ( That means your name, moron)
Thank you for your interest Please allow four to
six years for processing. You will be notified in writing you are
approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't and
it would cause you injury.) if your application is rejected, you will be
notified by two gentlemen wearing white ties and carrying violin cases.
(You might want to watch your back) |
(TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
Doggy
Dictionary:
Submitted by Dave and Debbie Singer
LEASH: A strap which
attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her
to go.
DOG BED: any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in
the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.
DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't. To
do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool
fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.
SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your
nose as close as you can to the other dog's rear end and inhale deeply, repeat
several times, or until your person makes you stop.
GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week
to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push
the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine
wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.
BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to
control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush
and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then
swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.
DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their person
want them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the
person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.
THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end.
Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn
them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes
wildly, and following at their heels.
WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and
old candy wrapper. When you get bored, turn over the basket and chew the papers
all over the house until your person comes home
SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is
polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.
BATH: This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls
and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.
LEAN: Every good dog's response to the command "sit !",
especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly
effective before black-tie events.
BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they are
drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.
GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the Regular
Bump doesn't get the attention you require.....especially effective when
combined with The Sniff. See above.
LOVE: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without
restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you're
lucky, a human will love you in return. (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
Male
Manifesto, Another Take:
Submitted by Dave and Debbie Singer
1.If you think you're fat, you
probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.
2.Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down.
3.If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act
like soap opera guys.
4.Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short
hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women
always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.
5.Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find
the perfect present yet
again.
6.If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't
want to hear.
7.Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it. Don't ask us what we're
thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the
shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
8.Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it
be.
9.Shopping is not a sport, and no, we're never going to think of it that way.
10.When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
11.You have enough clothes.
12.You have too many shoes.
13.Crying is blackmail.
14.Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work.
Strong hints do not work. Really obvious hints do not work. Just say it.
15.No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on the
calendar.
16.Peeing standing up is more difficult. We're bound to miss sometimes.
17.Most guys own three pairs of shoes (excepting sport specific footwear), what
makes you think that we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty,
would look good with your dress?
18.Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
19.Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we
do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
20.A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
21.Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
22.Check your oil.
23.It is neither in you best interest nor ours to take the quiz together. No, it
doesn't matter which quiz.
24.Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments
become null and void after 7 days.
25.If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes
you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
26.Let us ogle. We're going to look anyway, it's genetic.
27.You can either tell us to do something OR tell us how to do something, but
not both.
28.Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during the
commercials.
29.All real men see in only 16 colors. Peach is a fruit, not a color.
30.If it itches, it will be scratched.
31.If we ask what's wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like
nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it's just not worth the hassle.
33.What the heck is a doily, and what good is
it? (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
Things
You'll Never Hear a Texan Say:
Submitted by Dave and Debbie Singer
Things you will never hear a
Texan say, no matter what:
"Honey, we don't need another dog."
"I'll take Shakespeare for $1000, Alex."
"We don't keep firearms in the house."
"No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe."
"Wrasslin's fake."
"Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?"
"We're vegetarians."
"No, I'll pass on the biscuits and gravy."
"Spittin' is such a nasty habit."
"I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today."
"Trim the fat off that steak."
"The tires on that truck are too big."
"I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl."
"Checkmate."
"Those shorts ought to be a little longer, darlin'."
"Nope, no more for me, I'm drivin'."
(TOP)
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Got
To See Picture!:
Submitted by Dave and Debbie Singer
(TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
Now
this is an idea...read on bubba - Humor or Not?!
Submitted by Dave & Debbie Singer
This is such a good idea, I'm sorry I never thought of it.. Love it!
Here's the deal, Tired of getting
all those pre-approved letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to
2nd Mortgages, and junk like that? If the answer is "Yes!" read on.
If "no," read on anyway since many of us don't care for banks and
credit card companies anyway.
As you know, most, if not all of
those letters come with a postage "PRE-PAID" envelope. Why not get rid
of some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool little envelopes! If
you didn't get anything else that day, then just send them their application
back! Just make sure your name isn't on anything you send them. Heck, you can
send it back empty if you want. Keep 'em guessing that way. Let's turn this into
a chain letter! Eventually, The banks will begin getting all their crap back in
the mail. Let's let them know what's its like to get junk mail, and best
of all . . . THEY'RE paying for it! Twice!
Only in America!
Sounds great to me, maybe the USPO will make enough money they will not raise
our postage rates again so soon!!!
(TOP)
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Bush
Limo 01/20/2001
Submitted by Dave & Debbie
Singer
(TOP)
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On
"STRAY" Cats!:
Submitted by Dave & Debbie Singer
Stray cats will not be fed. Stray
cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened with a little milk.
Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened with warm
milk, yummy treats and leftover fish scraps. Stray cats will not be petted,
played with or picked up and cuddled unnecessarily. Stray cats that are petted,
played with, picked up and cuddled will absolutely not be given a name. Stray
cats with or without a name will not be allowed inside the house at any time.
Stray cats allowed inside will not be permitted to jump up on or sharpen their
claws on the furniture. Stray cats will be permitted on furniture but must
sharpen claws on new $114.99 sisal rope scratching post with three perches.
Stray cats will sleep outside. Stray cats will sleep in the garage. Stray cats
will sleep in the house, but not in our bed. Stray cats will sleep in our bed,
but not under the covers. Stray cats will not play on the desk. Stray cats will
not play on the desk near the computer. Stray cats are forbidden to walk on the
computer keyboard on the desk when the human is using it. Stray cats JUST WILL
NOT, at ALL!
(TOP)
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A
Letter From DAD.:
Submitted by Dave & Debbie Singer
Dear Son,
Well, it's been nearly two months since you've gone off to college. Like many conscientious
teenagers, I'm sure you're wondering how we're getting along without
you, and how we've handled the division of labor now that you're no longer
available to do your chores. Well, fret no longer; although the physical strain
on me is not insubstantial, I've found a way to take on all of those household
chores with which you've so graciously been willing to do for us. Just to give
you an example, let me review my week for you.
Monday - Slept late. Opened a new container of juice, left the safety seal on
the counter. Then turned the TV on and left for work. Later, opened a new
package of Oreo cookies and took all but 6 to nibble on while I went driving
around aimlessly with some friends.
Tuesday - Slept late. Ate the last of the Oreo cookies and carefully put the
empty container back in the snack drawer. Parked my car across the driveway to
make it difficult for anyone else to get into the garage. Washed a load of my
own clothes, and three towels, leaving the rest of the laundry on the floor.
Wednesday - Slept late. Drank all but a quarter of an ounce of the orange juice
I opened the other day and put the (almost) empty container back in the fridge.
The phone rang, so I took an important message for myself, purposely misspelling
the name of the caller and only wrote the last four digits of the phone number.
That evening I waited until somebody ran the dishwasher, then put dishes from
Monday that I had been hiding in my room into the sink.
Thursday - Slept late. Purposely neglected to wheel the trash bin out to the
curb so that I could get some exercise by dashing out there early Friday
morning. Let the hot water run for twenty or thirty minutes to heat up the
bathroom for my shower. Opened all the windows and turned on the air conditioner
before leaving for work.
Friday - Slept late. Took a 45 minute shower, then left the wet towels in
various rooms in the house. Waited until the sink was clean, then put some
dishes that I had been saving for a few days on the counter. Later that night,
arranged to have some drunk friend call up at 1:30 in the morning, crying about
something incoherent.
Saturday - Slept late. Purposely dawdled all morning timing everything so that
it started raining as soon as I got the lawnmower out of the garage. Went back
inside leaving the lawnmower out in the rain. Played the stereo loud enough to
drown out the noise of the telephone. Opened a can of soda, took a few sips,
then put the can back in the fridge.
Sunday - Slept late. Spent most of the rest of the day complaining of boredom.
So you see, there's nothing to worry about. I plan to diligently keep up to date
on your chores for as long as necessary. Please, if you see that there is
anything that I may have neglected, be sure to let me know. Hope you're doing
just fine up at school!
Love, Dad
(TOP)
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How
to write a Christmas Letter.:
Submitted by Dave & Debbie Singer
It's been another year. I would
like to update everyone on what is new with the Campbell family, as many of you
have quit asking.
Our kids had quite a year. Tom,
our son, goes to school at 8:30 A.M. and stays until until 3:30 P.M. during the
middle of the day he has lunch. Carolyn goes to preschool some days and stays at
home other days. After school they play or watch TV until dinner. Then they eat
dinner, play for awhile, and go to bed.
Both of them had birthdays this year. We have a tradition where we buy them
presents and have a cake and ice cream.
For Halloween, they both wore costumes. They went from house to house, ringing
doorbells and saying "Trick or Treat!" People would then give them
candy so that they would leave.
On Thanksgiving our family got together. We cooked a turkey, and had other
things like potatoes, gravy, stuffing, and pumpkin pie. Tricia has been very
active. Tricia wakes up in the morning and does things all day long. On
different days, and different times of the year, she does different things. This
keeps her busy.
I have kept busy this year also. I go to work. My job starts after breakfast and
lasts until just before dinner. I usually work Monday through Friday. This year
I had a vacation. We decided to take a trip. The whole family went out of town.
We stayed at a motel and visited places that we had never seen before. Later we
came home.
Best wishes for your family in the next year. I will keep you updated on all the
important and exciting things that my family does during 2001.
Merry Christmas,
Carolyn, Tom, Tricia and Tom Campbell
(TOP)
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My
Forgetter - A Poem:
Submitted by Dave & Debbie Singer
My forgetter's getting better
But my rememberer is broke
to you that may seem funny
but, to me, that is no joke
For when I'm "here" I'm wondering
If I really should be "there"
And, when I try to think it through,
I haven't got a prayer!
Oft times I walk into a room,
Say "what am I here for?"
I wrack my brain, but all in vain
A zero, is my score.
At times I put something away
Where it is safe, but, indeed,
The person it is safest from
Is, generally, me!
When shopping I may see someone,
Say "Hi" and have a chat,
Then, when the person walks away
I ask myself, "who's that?"
Yes, my forgetter's getting better
While my rememberer is broke,
And it's driving me plumb crazy
And that isn't any joke.
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Children
As Pets - The Cat Years:
Submitted by Dave & Debbie Singer
I just realized that while
children are dogs – loyal and affectionate – teenagers are cats. It’s so
easy to be a dog owner. You feed it, train it, boss it around. It puts its head
on your knee and gazes at you as if you were a Rembrandt painting. It bounds
indoors with enthusiasm when you call it.
Then around age 13, your adoring little puppy turns into a big old cat. When you
tell it to come inside, it looks at you amazed, as if wondering who died and
made you emperor. Instead of dogging your doorsteps, it disappears. You won’t
see it again until it gets hungry – then it pauses on its sprint through the
kitchen long enough to turn its nose up at whatever you’re serving.
When you reach out to ruffle its head, in that old affectionate gesture, it
twists away from you, then gives you a blank stare, as if trying to remember
where it has seen you before. You, not realizing that the dog is now a cat,
think something must be desperately wrong with it. It seems so antisocial, so
distant, sort of depressed. It won’t go on family outings.
Since you are the one who raised it, taught it to fetch and stay and sit on
command, you assume that you did something wrong. Flooded with guilt and fear,
you redouble your efforts to make your pet behave. Only now you’re dealing
with a cat, so everything that worked before now produced the opposite of the
desired result. Call it, and it runs away. Tell it to sit, and it jumps on the
counter. The more you go toward it, wringing your hands, the more it moves away.
Instead of continuing to act like a dog owner, you can learn to behave like a
cat owner. Put a dish of food near the door, and let it come to you. But
remember that a cat needs your help and your affection too. Sit still, and it
will come, seeking that warm comforting lap it has not entirely forgotten. Be
there to open the door for it.
One day your grown-up child will walk into the kitchen, give you a big kiss and
say, “You’ve been on your feet all day. Let me get those dished for you”
Then you will realize your cat is a dog again.
(Author unknown)
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Bubba
Claus:
Submitted by Dave & Debbie Singer
An
important message from Santa
I Regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to
serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the current, overwhelming
population of Earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and
Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois,
Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract, I also get
longer breaks for milk and cookies, so keep that in mind. However, I'm certain
that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement, who
happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the
South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls;
however, there are a few differences between us:
1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus.
He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads:"These
toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an
RC cola and pork rinds (or a moon pie) on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke
a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus's sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flying coon dogs
instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my
reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear, "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen . . ."
when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace,
on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."
5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And
you are also likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus's sleigh has a Yosemite Sam
safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off." The last I
heard, the sleigh also had other decorations on back as well. One is Ford logo
with lights that race through the letters, and the other is a caricature
of me (Santa Claus) going wee wee on the Tooth Fairy.
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th
Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown
in your viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves
Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds
as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the
wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under
the tree.
9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me, like
"Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa
Claus Is Coming to Town." This year, songs about Bubba Claus
will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song
titles will include Mark Chestnut's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox,"
and "Grandma Got Run'd Over By a Reindeer."
Sincerely,
Santa Claus - (Member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209)
(TOP)
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