The Daily Joke (TM), Set 1,
Volume 3, Issue 14, 3-14-98
Bill
Gates On Cars:
Submitted by Tim Anderson
At a recent computer expo, Bill
Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry
and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry
has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal."
Recently General Motors addressed
this comment by releasing the statement "Yes, but would you want
your car to crash twice a day?"
If Microsoft Built Cars
Occasionally your car would die
on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and
drive on.
Occasionally, executing a maneuver
would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install
the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.
You could only have one person in
the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you
would have to buy more seats.
Macintosh would make a car that
was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy
to drive - but would only run on 5 percent of the roads.
The Macintosh car owners would get
expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars
run much slower.
The oil, gas and alternator warning
lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
New seats would force everyone to
have the same size butt.
The airbag system would say "are
you sure?" before going off.
If you were involved in a crash,
you would have no idea what happened.
Three Engineers in a Car
There are three engineers in a car;
an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly
thecar just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineerslook
at each other wondering what could be wrong.
The electrical engineer suggests
stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault
might have occurred.
The chemical engineer, not knowing
much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and
getting blocked somewhere.
Then, the Microsoft engineer, not
knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion, "Why don't we
close all the windows, get out, get back in, then open the windows again,
and maybe it'll work!?"
Copyright © 1997-1998, John
Rudnick, All Rights reserved. Permission is granted to reprint The Daily
Joke, as long as this full copyright notice is included, including the
subscription information. (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
The Daily Joke (TM), Set 1, Volume
3, Issue 16, 3-16-98
Bubba:
There was a man named Bubba and
Bubba knew everyone in the whole world. Once when Bubba got a new job,
Bubba says to his new boss, "Boss, I know everyone in the whole world!"
His boss doesn't believe him, so
he says "No you do not know everyone in the whole world" but Bubba says
"Yes I do"
Bubba's boss says "Well prove it"
then Bubba says "Pick someone... and I know them"
Well Bubba's boss thinks for a minute
and then comes up with a name. "Tom Selleck, I bet you don't know Tom Selleck"
Bubba says "Tom Selleck, Tom and
I were in school together when we were kids"
Bubba's boss says "No you weren't"
then Bubba says "Yes we were" so they fly to Hollywood and drive up to
Tom Selleck's house. Bubba knocks on the door and Tom Selleck answers and
Bubba goes "Tom" and Tom goes "Bubba" and they hug and catch up for 30
minutes and Bubba's boss can't believe it.
But then he thinks "Well that could
happen, it's just one person," so he tells Bubba and Bubba says "OK,
pick somebody else"
Bubba's boss says "The president,
Bill Clinton, You don't know President Bill Clinton"
Bubba says "Oh yes I do! Bill and
I were together in college"
Bubba's boss says "No you weren't"
and Bubba says "Yes we were" so they fly to Washington and they catch with
the President at a press conference. They work their way through the crowd
until Bubba gets close enough to catch Clinton's eye and waves "Bill!"
and the President waves "Bubba" and after the press conference they hug
and catch up for 30 minutes and Bubba's boss is stunned-- he can't believe
it.
But then he thinks "Well that's
just two people in one country, that doesn't mean he knows everyone in
the whole world" so he tells Bubba and Bubba says "OK, pick someone
out of the norm and I know them"
And Bubba's boss knows just who
to pick so he says "The Pope, You do not know the Pope" and Bubba says
"The Pope, The Pope baptized me!" and Bubba's boss says "No he didn't"
and Bubba says "Yes he did" so they fly to Rome where the Pope is
giving Mass in front of hundreds of thousands of people.
They work their way through the
crowd without much luck, so Bubba says "Boss, were never gonna get there
together through all these people so I tell you what, I'll work my way
up there and when I do, I'll give you a sign that shows you I know the
Pope" and he leaves.
Well Bubba's boss waits and waits
and waits and just when he's about to give up, he sees the Pope come out
onto the balcony and right there beside is Bubba! Shortly afterwards, Bubba's
boss passes out.
Bubba comes back and finds his boss
passed out and he fans him and says "Boss! Boss, Wake up!" and when his
boss comes to, he asks "Boss, what happened?"
Bubba's boss looks at Bubba and
says "OK, I can see Tom Selleck. I can see Bill Clinton, hell, I can even
take the Pope! But when somebody standing next to me asks 'Who's that up
there with Bubba?' that's a little more than I can take!"
Copyright © 1997-1998, John
Rudnick, All Rights reserved. Permission is granted to reprint The Daily
Joke, as long as this full copyright notice is included, including the
subscription information. (TOP)
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Divert
Your Course
submitted by Kim Broach
This is the transcript of an actual
radio conversation of a US Naval ship with canadian authorities off the
coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.....
Americans: Please divert your
course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert
YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid collision.
Americans: This is the captain
of a US Navy ship. I say agian, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No.... I
say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT
CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP
IN THE UNITIED STATES ATLANTIC
FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS,
THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT
VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR
COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER
MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE
SAFETY OF THIS SHIP!!!
Canadians: This is a lightouse.....
your call (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
Genesis
Report Exclusive:
Submitted by Kim Broach
It is reported that the following
edition of the Book of Genesis was discovered in the Dead Seal Scrolls.
And Adam said, "Lord, when I was
in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore.
I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you
love me."
And God said, "No problem!
I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who
will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will know I love you,
even when you cannot see me.
Regardless of how selfish and childish
and unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are
and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."
And God created a new animal to
be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to
be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "But Lord, I have already
named all the animals in the Kingdom and all the good names are taken and
I cannot think of a name for this new animal."
And God said, "No problem!
Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for
you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him
DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam and was
a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God
was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that
Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become
filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes
he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved,
but no one has taught him humility."
And the Lord said, "No problem!
I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who
will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations,
so he will know that he is not worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion
to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam.
And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes,
he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility.
And God was pleased. And Adam
was greatly improved.
And Cat did not care one way or
the other. (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
The Daily Joke (tm), Set 1, Volume
3, Issue 22, 3-22-98
Baseball
In Heaven:
Two friends John and Dave were two
huge baseball fans. Their entire lives, John and Dave talked baseball.
They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first
would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in
heaven.
One night, John passed away in his
sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He
died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Dave awoke to the sound
of John's voice from beyond.
"John is that you?" Dave asked.
"Yes, it's me," John replied.
"This is unbelievable" Dave exclaimed.
" So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well I have some good news and
some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"
"Tell me the good news first."
"Well, the good news is that yes
there is baseball in heaven."
"Oh, that is wonderful, So what
is the bad news?"
"You're pitching tomorrow night."
Copyright © 1997-1998, Salko
Technologies, Inc., All Rights Reserved. Permission is granted to reprint
The Daily Joke, as long as this full copyright notice is included, including
the subscription information. (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
Origin
of Pets:
Submitted By Kim Broach
It is reported that the following
edition of the Book of Genesis was discovered in the Dead Seal Scrolls.
And Adam said, "Lord, when I was
in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore.
I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you
love me."
And God said, "No problem!
I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who
will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will know I love you,
even when you cannot see me.
Regardless of how selfish and childish
and unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are
and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."
And God created a new animal to
be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to
be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "But Lord, I have already
named all the animals in the Kingdom and all the good names are taken and
I cannot think of a name for this new animal."
And God said, "No problem!
Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for
you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him
DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam and was
a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God
was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that
Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become
filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes
he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved,
but no one has taught him humility."
And the Lord said, "No problem!
I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who
will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations,
so he will know that he is not worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion
to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam.
And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes,
he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility.
And God was pleased. And Adam
was greatly improved.
And Cat did not care one way or
the other. (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
Vampire
Bat:
Submitted by Kim Broach
A vampire bat came flapping in from
the night with his mouth and face covered in fresh blood and parked himself
on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats
smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He
told them to get lost and let him get some sleep but they persisted until
finally he gave in.
"Ok, follow me", he said and flew
out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a
valley they went, across a river, and into a forest full of trees.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.]
"Now, do you see that tree over
there?" he asked? "Yes, Yes, Yes" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Good"
said the first bat, "because, I didn't"! (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
Basic
Truths:
The Daily Joke (tm), Set 1, Volume
3, Issue 26, 3-26-98
Everyone has a photographic memory,
Some don't have film.
A day without sunshine is like,
night.
Diplomacy is saying "nice doggy"
until you find a rock.
On the other hand, you have different
fingers.
I just got lost in thought.
It was unfamiliar territory
Those who live by the sword get
shot by those who don't.
Copyright © 1998, Salko Technologies,
Inc., All rights reserved. Permission is granted to reprint The Daily Joke
as long as this full copyright notice is included, including the subscription
information. (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
Relative
Experiences
The Daily Joke (TM), Set 1, Volume
4, Issue 10, 4-10-98
One day, a one dollar bill and a
hundred dollar bill got folded together and began talking about their life
experiences. The hundred dollar bill began to brag.
"I've had a great life," he said.
"I've been to all the big hotels, Donald Trump himself used me at his casino,
I've been in the wallets of Fortune 500 board members, I've flown from
one end of the country to the other! I've even been in the wallet of two
Presidents of the United States, and once when Princess Diana visited the
US, she used me to buy a packet of gum."
In awe, the dollar humbly responded,
"Gee, nothing like that has ever happened to me, but I have been to church
a lot!"
Copyright © 1998, Salko Technologies,
Inc., All rights reserved. Permission is granted to reprint The Daily Joke
as long as this full copyright notice is included, including the subscription
information. (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
Not
Very Bright
The Daily Joke (TM), Set 1, Volume
4, Issue 10, 4-10-98
A man who was unemployed for several
months gets a job with Public works. He is to paint lines down the center
of a rural road. The supervisor tells him he is on probation and that he
must stay at or above the set average of 2 miles per day to remain hired.
The man agrees to the conditions
and starts the next day. The supervisor checks and finds the man completed
4 miles. "Great," he thought, "this man will work out."
The next day he finds the man only
did 2 miles but the supervisor thought, "well he is still at the average
and I don't want him to get discouraged."
The third day however the man only
did one mile and the Boss thought, "I need to talk to him."
The boss pulls the new employee
in and says, "Son, you were doing great, the first day you did 4 miles
the second day 2 miles but yesterday you only did one mile, Why? is there
a problem? An injury, equipment failure, anything keeping you from meeting
the 2 mile minimum?"
The man replied "Well, I keep getting
farther and farther from the bucket."
Copyright © 1998, Salko Technologies,
Inc., All rights reserved. Permission is granted to reprint The Daily Joke
as long as this full copyright notice is included, including the subscription
information. (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
What A
Name
The Daily Joke (TM), Set
1, Volume 4, Issue 11, 4-11-98
Walking through Chinatown, a tourist
is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners.
He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry."
"Hans Olaffsen?", he muses. "How
the heck does that fit in here?"
So he walks into the shop and sees
an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter.
The tourist asks, "How did this
place get a name like 'Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?'"
The old man answers, "Is name of
owner."
The tourist asks, "Well, who and
where is the owner?"
"Me, is right here," replies the
old man.
"You? How did you ever get
a name like Hans Olaffsen?"
"Is simple," says the old man.
"Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation
Center. Man in front was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him
and go, 'What your name?' He say, 'Hans Olaffsen.' Then
she look at me and go, 'What your name?'"
"I say Sem Ting."
Copyright © 1998, Salko Technologies,
Inc., All rights reserved. Permission is granted to reprint The Daily Joke
as long as this full copyright notice is included, including the subscription
information. (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
Calling
the Lord
Submitted by Carl Graham
The Chief Rabbi of Israel and the
Pope are in a meeting in Rome. The Rabbi notices an unusually fancy phone
on a side table in the Pope's private chambers.
"What is that beautiful phone for?"
he asks the Rabbi.
"It's my direct line to the Lord!"
The Rabbi is skeptical, and the
Pope notices. The Holy Father insists that the Rabbi try it out, and, indeed,
he is connected to the Lord. The Rabbi holds a lengthy discussion
with Him. After hanging up the Rabbi says. "Thank you very much. This is
great! But listen, I want to pay for my phone charges."
The Pope, of course refuses, but
the Rabbi is steadfast and finally, the pontiff gives in. He checks the
counter on the phone and says: "Allright! The charges were 100,000
Lira. ($56)."
The Chief Rabbi gladly hands over
a packet of bills. A few months later, the Pope is in Jerusalem on
an official visit. In the Chief Rabbi's chambers he sees a phone
identical to his and learns it also is a direct line to the Lord. The Pope
remembers he has an urgent matter that requires divine consultation and
asks if he can use the Rabbi's phone.
The Rabbi gladly agrees, hands him
the phone, and the Pope chats away. After hanging up, the Pope offers
to pay for the phone charges.
As before, the Chief Rabbi also
refuses to accept payment. After the Pope insists, the Rabbi relents
and looks on the phone counter and says: "1 Shekel 50" ($0.42).
The Pope looks surprised: "Why so
cheap!?"
The Rabbi smiles: "Local call. (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
BLONDES
AT THE PEARLY GATES
Submitted by Kim Broach (Who is
a blond!)
Three blondes died and are at the
pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter
the gates if they can answer one simple question. St. Peter asks the first
blonde, "What is Easter?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy!
It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey,
and are thankful..."
"Wrong!," replies St. Peter, and
proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, "What is Easter?"
The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when
we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."
St. Peter looks at the second blonde,
shakes his head in disgust, tells her she's wrong, and then peers over
his glasses at the third blonde and asks, "What is Easter?"
The third blonde smiles confidently
and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is."
"Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously.
"Easter is the Christian holiday
that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples
were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned
over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to
be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns,
and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried
in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder."
St. Peter smiles broadly with delight.
The third blonde continues, "Every
year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out... and, if he
sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter." (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
So
What if I'm Blonde?
Submitted by Kim Broach (Who is
a blond!)
A blonde who was unemployed for
several months gets a job with Public works. She is to paint lines down
the center of a rural road. The supervisor tells her she is on probation
and that she must stay at or above the set average of 2 miles per day to
remain hired. The blonde agrees to the conditions and starts the next day.
The supervisor checks and finds the blonde has completed 4 miles. "Great,"
he thought, "this woman will work out." The next day he finds the blonde
only did 2 miles but the supervisor thought, "well she is still at the
average and I don't want her to get discouraged." The third day however
the blonde only did one mile and the Boss thought, "I need to talk to her."
The boss pulls the new employee in and says, "Lady, you were doing great,
the first day you did 4 miles the second day 2 miles but yesterday you
only did one mile, Why? is there a problem? An injury, equipment failure,
anything keeping you from meeting the 2 mile minimum?" The blonde replied
"Well, I keep getting farther and farther from the bucket." (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
Meals
on Wheels
Submitted by Kim Broach
One day a cat dies of natural causes
and goes to heaven. There he meets the Lord Himself. The Lord
says to the cat "you lived a good life and if there is any way I can make
your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let Me know". The cat
thinks for a moment and says "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor
family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor."
The Lord stops the cat and says
"say no more" and a wonderful fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later 6 mice are killed
in a tragic farming accident and go to heaven. Again there is the
Lord there to great them with the same offer. The mice answer "All of our
lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs and even
women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running.
Do you think we could have roller skates so we don't have to run anymore?"
The Lord says "say no more" and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller
skates.
About a week later the Lord stops
by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow. The Lord
gently wakes the cat and asks him "How are things since you are here?"
The cat stretches and yawns and replies "It is wonderful here. Better
than I could have ever expected. And those 'Meals On Wheels' you've
been sending by are theeeeeeeee best!!!" (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
It Doesn’t Pay To Change:
Submitted by Kim Broach
This 60 year old woman was walking
along 5th Avenue when she heard a voice from above "You will live
to be 100." She looked around and didn't see anyone. Again she heard "You
will live to be 100."
Boy, she thought to herself, that
was the voice of God. I've got 40 more years to live! So off she
went to the plastic surgeon. She got everything fixed from head to toe.
When she left the plastic surgeon's
office, she got hit by a bus, died, and went up to heaven. She said to
God "You told me I would live to be 100. I was supposed to have had 40
more years. So how come you let the bus kill me?".
God said: "I didn't recognize
you". (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
Poor
old Fluffy...
Submitted by my Dad, Kirk Doty
Sometimes you get funny stuff from
your friends. I've got a buddy, owns a German shepherd. The people next
door to him own one of those goofy white rabbits they keep in a cage. He
came home one Saturday, and his dog is running around the yard WITH THIS
RABBIT in his mouth. The rabbit has mud on it, it's got dog spit on it,
IT IS DEAD.
Instead of being a man and telling
the people what happened, he panicked. He took the rabbit away from the
dog, took it in the house, washed it off with soap and water, and dried
it with a hair dryer. (No pun intended, there.) He waited until it got
dark, snuck the rabbit back over next door, put it in the cage like it
had a heart attack, and locked the door.
A few days later he was out in his
yard, and he saw the lady from next door. She came over to the fence and
said, "I guess you heard what happened."
He said, "Naw, what?"
She said, "We have had a death in
our family."
He said, "Who died?"
She said, "Fluffy. And the weird
thing was, after we buried him, somebody digged him back up and put him
back in his cage." (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
GREAT
WAYS TO ANNOY OTHER PEOPLE:
Submitted by Dave Singer:
1) Leave the copy machine
set to reduce 150%, dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
2) Specify that your
drive-through order is "to go".
3) Insist on keeping
your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them
tuned up".
4) Reply to everything
someone says with "that's what YOU think".
5) Practice making
fax and modem noises.
6) Highlight irrelevant
information in scientific papers and "cc" them to your boss.
7) Finish all your
sentences with the words "in accordance with prophecy".
8) Signal that a conversation
is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
9) Adjust the tint
on your TV so that all the people are green and insist to others that you"like
it that way".
10) Repeat the following conversation
a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind,
it's gone now."
11) As much as possible, skip rather
than walk.
12) Ask people what gender they
are.
13) While making presentations,
occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
14) Sit in your front yard pointing
a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
15) Sing along at the opera.
16) Ask your co-workers mysterious
questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something
about "psychological profiles".
17) Send this list to everyone
in your e-mail address book even if they sent it to you or ask you not
to send things like this. (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
WORDPERFECT
Submitted by Dave Singer
This is a true story from the WordPerfect
help line. Needless to say the help desk employee was fired; however, he/she
is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without
Cause". Actual dialog of a former Word perfect Customer Support employee:
"Ridge Hall computer assistant;
may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble
with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along,
and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen
look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything
when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect,
or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the
screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor
around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told
you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power
indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen
on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you
when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of
the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the
plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
".......Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor,
did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it,
not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to
look back there again and find the other cable."
".......Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me
if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it
is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee
on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have
the right angle - it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes - the office light is off,
and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light
then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power... A power outage? Aha,
Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals
and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the
closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug
your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take
it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose.
What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too stupid to
own a computer." (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
King:
Submitted by Kim Broach
A lion woke up one morning feeling
rowdy. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, "Who is
mightiest of all jungle animals?" The trembling monkey said, "You are,
mighty lion!"
Later, the lion confronts a deer
and bellows, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?" The terrified
deer stammers, "Oh great lion, you are by far the mightiest animal
in the jungle!"
On a roll now, the lion swaggers
up to an elephant and roars, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, and
slams him against a tree half a dozen times, with the lion feeling like
it'd been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomped on the
lion till it looked like a corn tortilla, crapped on it, and ambled away.
The lion hollered after the elephant
flippantly, "Geez, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have
to get so mad." (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
Skipping:
Submitted by Kim Broach (Who is
a blond!)
A blonde is terribly overweight,
so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days,
then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I
see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the blonde returned, she shocked
the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor
said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nodded... "I'll tell
you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."
"From hunger, you mean?", asked
the doctor."
No, from skipping." (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
Firemen.....
Submitted by Kim Broach
A fire started on some grassland
near a farm in Indiana. The fire department from the nearby town was called
to put the fire out. The fire proved to be more than the small town fire
department could handle, so someone suggested that a rural volunteer fire
department be called. Though there was doubt that they would be of any
assistance, the call was made.
The volunteer fire department arrived
in a dilapidated old fire truck. They drove straight towards the fire and
stopped in the middle of the flames. The volunteer firemen jumped off the
truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they
had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily
controllable parts.
The farmer was so impressed with
the volunteer fire department's work and so grateful that his farm had
been spared, that he presented the volunteer fire department with a check
for $1000.
A local news reporter asked the
volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds.
"That should be obvious," he responded,
"the first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on that stupid
fire truck." (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
FISHY
STORY
Submitted by Kim Broach
A scientist in South Florida discovered
that he could keep dolphins alive virtually forever by feeding them a steady
diet of baby sea gulls. One day, as he was carrying a pail full of fresh
baby sea gulls to feed the dolphins, he happened upon an old toothless
lion that was asleep on the trail that led to the dolphin pens. As he gingerly
stepped over the sleeping lion, the local police jumped out of the bushes
and arrested him.
He was charged with Carrying Young
Gulls across Staid Lions for Immortal Porpoises. (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
Jesus
Is Watching You
The Daily Joke (TM), Set 1, Volume
4, Issue 17, 4-17-98
A burglar breaks into a house and
hears someone say: "Jesus is watching you."
The burglar stops for a moment,
then continues to move throughout the house. Once again he hears this voice:
"Jesus is watching you."
The burglar, nervous, turns on a
light and sees that the voice is actually coming from a bird cage, and
there's a little parrot in it.
He approaches the parrot and says:
"Oh, you really scared me for a moment, what is your name, birdie?"
"My name is Peter" answers the parrot.
The burglar says, "Peter is a weird
name for a parrot"
The parrot says: "Think so? I think
Jesus for a Doberman is even weirder!"
Copyright © 1998, Salko Technologies,
Inc., All rights reserved. Permission is granted to reprint The Daily Joke
as long as this full copyright notice is included, including the subscription
information. (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
Domination
Submitted by Audree Hurlburt
The Daily Joke (tm), Set 1, Volume
4, Issue 19, 4-19-98
Everybody on earth dies and goes
to heaven. God comes and says "I want the men to make two lines. One line
for the
men that dominated their women
on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women.
Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter."
Said and done, the next time God
looked the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men
that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line
of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.
God got mad and said, "You men should
be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all
whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and
made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to
be the only one in this line?"
And the man replied, "I don't know,
my wife told me to stand here"
Copyright © 1998, Salko Technologies,
Inc., All rights reserved. Permission is granted to reprint The Daily Joke
as long as this full copyright notice is included, including the subscription
information. (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
Efficiency
In Government
The Daily Joke (TM), Set
1, Volume 4, Issue 18, 4-18-98
A fellow stopped at a rural gas
station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft
drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched a couple of
men working along the roadside.
One man would dig a hole two or
three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled
in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet
behind filling in the old.
The men worked right past the fellow
with the soft drink and went on down the road. "I can't stand this," said
the man tossing the can in a trash container and heading down the road
toward the men.
"Hold it, hold it," he said to the
men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with this digging?"
"Well, we work for the county government,
" one of the men said.
"But one of you is digging a hole
and the other is filling it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't
you wasting the county's money?"
"You don't understand, mister,"
one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally
there's three of us, me, Joe and Mike. I dig the hole, Joe sticks in the
tree and Mike here puts the dirt back."
"Yea," piped up Mike. "Now just
because Joe's sick, that don't mean we can't work, does it?"
Copyright © 1998, Salko Technologies,
Inc., All rights reserved. Permission is granted to reprint The Daily Joke
as long as this full copyright notice is included, including the subscription
information. (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
Comparative
Religions
The Daily Joke (TM), Set 1, Volume
4, Issue 20, 4-20-98
Several churches in the South held
a joint revival service. The leader was a Baptist and proud of his denomination.
"How many Baptists are here?" he
asked on his first night of the revival.
All except one little lady raised
their hands.
"Lady, what are you?" asked the
minister.
"I'm a Methodist," meekly replied
the lady.
"Why are you a Methodist?"
"Well, my grandparents were Methodists,
my mother was a Methodist, and my late husband was a Methodist."
"Well," retorted the leader, "just
supposing all of your relatives had been morons. What would that have made
you?"
"Oh, I see. A Baptist, I suppose."
Copyright © 1998, Salko Technologies,
Inc., All rights reserved. Permission is granted to reprint The Daily Joke
as long as this full copyright notice is included, including the subscription
information. (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
A
Knock At The Door
Submitted by Shanon Draper
The Daily Joke (TM), Set 1, Volume
4, Issue 21, 4-21-98
A pastor visited his church members
one Saturday. At one house it was obvious that someone was home,
but nobody
came to the door, even though the
pastor knocked several times.
Finally, the pastor took out his
card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it on the
door. Revelation 3:20 - "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If
anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine
with him and he with me."
The next day the card turned up
in the collection plate. Below the pastor's message was the notation
"Genesis 3:10 - I heard your voice in the garden, and I was afraid because
I was naked and I hid myself."
Copyright © 1998, Salko Technologies,
Inc., All rights reserved. Permission is granted to reprint The Daily Joke
as long as this full copyright notice is included, including the subscription
information. (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
Applying
For A Job
The Daily Joke (TM), Set 1, Volume
4, Issue 24, 4-24-98
Two young engineers fresh out of
college put in applications for an engineering position with a company.
Both clients having the exact same qualifications, they were asked to take
a test by the Department manager to help decide which one to hire.
Upon completion of the test, both
applicants had missed only one of the questions. After reviewing the tests,
the manager decided to speak with the losing applicant first:
Manager: Thanks for your interest,
but we have decided to give the position to the other applicant.
Applicant: Why would you do that?
We both got 9 questions correct, why choose the other applicant over me?
Manager: We have made our decision
not based upon the correct answers, but on the question you missed.
Applicant: And just how would one
incorrect answer be better than the other?
Manager: Simple. The other applicant
put answered "I don't know" for question 5. Your answer was "Neither
do I."
Copyright © 1998, Salko Technologies,
Inc., All rights reserved. Permission is granted to reprint The Daily Joke
as long as this full copyright notice is included, including the subscription
information. (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
What
Are You In For
The Daily Joke (TM), Set 1, Volume
4, Issue 27, 4-27-98
A fellow is brought into a jail
cell. Already there is an inmate who looks like he has been there forever.
The new man looks at the old-timer
and the man says, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out. You'd never believe
that I used to live the life of Riley. I wintered on the Riviera, had a
boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best
restaurants of France."
The new man asked, "What happened?"
"One day Riley reported his credit
cards missing!"
Copyright © 1998, Salko Technologies,
Inc., All rights reserved. Permission is granted to reprint The Daily Joke
as long as this full copyright notice is included, including the subscription
information. (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
Travel
Agent Stories:
Submitted by Dave Singer
The following are actual stories
told by travel agents about their actual experiences (and you wonder why
US citizens generally score less than the rest of the world on geography):
A client called in inquiring about
a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would
it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
I got a call from a woman who wanted
to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the
passport information when she interrupted me: "I'm not trying to make you
look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make
her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts,
Capetown is in Africa." Her response: Click.
A secretary called in looking for
a hotel in Los Angeles. She gave me various names off a list, none of which
I could find. I finally had her fax me the list. To my surprise, it was
a list of hotels in New Orleans, Louisiana, which has the postal zip code
LA. She thought the LA stood for Los Angeles and that New Orleans
was a suburb of L.A. Worst of all, when I called her back, she wasn't even
embarrassed.
A man called, furious about a Florida
package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He
said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that that's
not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied,
"Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."
I got a call from a man who asked,
"Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said "But
they look so close on the map."
Another man called and asked if
he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed
he had a one hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to
rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport and I need a car
to drive between the gates to save time."
A nice lady just called. She needed
to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20 AM
and got into Chicago at 8:33 AM. I tried to explain that Michigan was an
hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time
zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast and she bought that!
A woman called and asked, "Do airlines
put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs
to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked
in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT and I'm
overweight. Is there any connection?" After putting her
on hold for a minute, while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing),
I came back and explained that the city code for Fresno is FAT and that
the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
I just got off the phone with a
man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what
exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is
823, but none of these planes have numbers on them."
A woman called and said, "I need
to fly to Pepsi-Cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant
to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."
A businessman called and had a question
about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy
discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't,
I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those."
I double checked and, sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told
him this, he said, "Look, I've been to China 4 times and every time they
have accepted my American Express." (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
Punningly
Yours...
Submitted By Kim Broach
VAN GOGH'S RELATIVES
The grandfather who moved to Yugoslavia
... U. Gogh
The brother who accidentally bleached
all his clothes white ... Hue Gogh
The real obnoxious brother ...
Please Gogh
The brother who ate prunes ...
Gotta Gogh
The uncle who worked at a convenience
store ... Stop N. Gogh
His dizzy aunt ... Verti Gogh
His domineering aunt... Vira Gogh
The cousin who moved to Illinois
... Chica Gogh
His magician uncle ... Wherediddy
Gogh
The cousin who lived in Mexico
... Amee Gogh
He also had a Filipino relative
... Gring Gogh
The nephew that drove a stage coach
... Wells Far Gogh
The uncle who was constipated ...
Cant Gogh
The aunt who loved ballroom dancing
... Tang Gogh
His ornithologist uncle ... Flamin
Gogh
His nephew, the Freudian psychoanalyist
... E. Gogh (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
Three
Times Three:
Submitted by Dave Singer
Three men were being tested at a
mental institution. The doctor says to the first man, "What is three times
three?" "274" was his reply.
The doctor says to the second man,
"It's your turn. What is three times three?" "Tuesday", replies the second
man.
The doctor says to the third man,
"Okay, your turn. What's three times three"? "Nine", says the third man.
"That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that"?
"Simple," says the third man. "I
subtracted 274 from Tuesday." (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
How
to Annoy Northeners....
Submitted by Dave Singer
1. Take your own sweet time when
doing ANYTHING. Well yall should always take time to smell the roses ya
know.
2. Pronounce all one-syllable words
with two.
3. When giving directions, finish
with "it's right down yonder on the left." Confuses the heck out of 'em.
Humm I thought it was on the right down yonder.
4. Talk REAL slow, and ask them
to speak more slowly so you can understand what they're saying. Well
if the truth be known I do have southen ears and they really dont hear
too fast.
5. When they talk nostalgically
about the North, tell 'em "Delta's ready when you are!" It sho nuff is
Sweety.
6. Talk loudly and often about
SEC football or ACC basketball. We all know them Gators are the best.
7. Refer to every soft drink as
a Coke.You mean there is another name for them??? I know Yall gotta be
pullen my little ole lag.
8. Always order sweet tea and/or
grits. When they don't have it, raise a ruckus. What Yall mean Yall
aint got no grits?? How am I supose to eat these here ags???
9. Offer to send 'em a bottle of
fresh air. Now Yall know there aint nuten better than the sweet smell of
jasmin so a soft southern breeze??
10. Insist on being addressed by
your first AND middle names. (e.g. Lisa Marie -- John Michael -- Jim Bob.
. .) Yep and Yall can jest call me TT fer short.
11. Frequently bring up "The War
of Northern Aggression"in conversation. If anyone ever says the words "Civil
War", always interject that "there was nothing civil about it." Well Mr
Butler was kinda civil.
12. Address all males as "son"
and females as "little lady". I usually call all males Sugar and all females
Honey.
13. Correct their pronunciation
of certain words. For example: It's Pahkahn" not "Pee-can".
And will Yall ever learn its Yall not Ewens????
14. Put Tabasco on everything.
Its really yummy on ice cream.
15. For New York Yankees:
Act as if the whole state of New York is New York City. In other
words, if they say"Yo, I'm from upstate New
Yoik!", say , "Well I'll be,
my wife has always wanted to see a Broadway show!" Are you trying
to tell me it isnt one big ole place??
16. When invited to dinner, offer
to bring dessert. Show up with a box of Moon Pies. . .preferably the banana
ones. mmm Yummy yummy.
17. Name all of your children "Bubba".
I got 3 of them named Bubba.... Makes for easier callen em fur supper that
way.
18. Use the word "reckon" in a
sentence and watch their reaction. I reckon I will work in the yard
some more today since it will be in the high 70s here.
19. "Mash" buttons. "Cut"
off lights. "Carry" the kids to school. Some times I tote em too.
20. Never simply "do" something.
Be "fixin to do" something. Well I am fixen to go get more sweet tea. Anybody
want some while Im out there?
21. Tell them you don't have an
accent,they do. What accent? We all know Yall Yankees have the cutest little
accents. I jest love to hear Yall talk. Well when you do it slow eonugh
for me to hear it that is.
22. Be sure to include "yes/no
ma'am/sir" in all conversations.. Offends the heck out of 'em. Yes
Sir Gotta respest your elders.
23. Only use landmarks and ramble
on when giving directions. "Now go down Jeff Davis Highway and turn left
at where the Chevron station used to be. I think they turned
it into a Amoco. Or maybe a BP. Anyway, turn right there..."
"You said left." "Did I? Well,turn left there and follow it
until you see a big fish on your left. I remember when that fish used to
be on the other side of town.." No Yall got that all wrong. Its down
by the Texco Turn rite there Which way?? Well Sugar it depends on which
way yall be commin from.
24. Ask them if it's still snowing
up North. Then tell 'em you went driving around in your convertible
this weekend Well is it and yes I did. All week as a matter of fact. (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
RULES
IN THE SOUTH
Submitted by Dave Singer
1. Save all manner of bacon grease.
You will be instructed later how to use it.
2. If you forget a Southerner's
name, refer to him (or her) as "Bubba". You have a 75% chance of
being right.
3. Just because you can't drive
on snow and ice does not mean we can stay home the two days of the year
it snows.
4. If you do run your car into
a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a
12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try
to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
5. Don't be surprised to find movie
rentals and bait in the same store.
6. Do not buy food at the movie
store.
7. If it can't be fried in bacon
grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.
8. Remember: "Y'all" is singular.
"All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.
9. There is nothing sillier than
a Northerner imitating a southern accent, unless it is a southerner imitating
a Boston accent.
10. Get used to hearing, "You ain't
from around here, are you?"
11. People walk slower here.
12. Don't be worried that you don't
understand anyone. They don't understand you either.
13. The first Southern expression
to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big
ol'", as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy". Eighty-five percent
begin their new Southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred
percent are in denial about it.
14. The proper pronunciation you
learned in school is no longer proper.
15. Be advised: The "He needed
killin'" defense is valid here.
16. If attending a funeral in the
South, remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and
the tent is torn down.
17. If you hear a Southerner exclaim,
"Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the
last words he will ever say.
18. Most Southerners do not use
turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a
signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured
that it was on when the car was purchased.
19. Northerners can be identified
by the spit on the inside of their car's windshield that comes from yelling
at other drivers.
20. The winter wardrobe you always
brought out in September can wait until November.
21. If there is the prediction
of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow,
your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not
matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you're
supposed to do.
22. Satellite dishes are very popular
in the South. When you purchase one it is to be positioned directly in
front of your trailer. This is logical bearing in mind that the dish cost
considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.
23. Tornadoes and Southerners going
through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you
know someone is going to lose a trailer.
24. Florida is not considered a
southern state. There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there. (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
K9 Contest:
The Daily Joke (tm), Set 1, Volume
5, Issue 3, 5-3-98
There was once a contest, to see
which police organization had the best k9 units. There were three contestants,
the city k9, the county's k9, and the FBI's k9.
They made a huge mock set up, in
an abandoned building, They hid drugs, and cash inside the building.
The object for the dogs, was to
gain access to the building and retrieve whatever evidence they could find.
This being established, the first contestant was called.
The city cop was first along with
his German Shepherd. The cop speaks to his dog.. "Spot, search the building!"
Spot's ears perk up and off Spot
goes. Within no time, Spot has returned with a large bag of drugs, and
a large bag of cash in his mouth and drops it right next to the city cop's
feet. Everyone is understandably impressed, and they all applaud.
Then the next contestant is called,
and a county deputy with a massive Great Dane dog step up to the starting
line. The deputy says "search that building, Spike".
Spike runs through the wall, of
the building leaving a 3 foot hole in the wall. A short time later, Spike
returns with a huge bag of cash, and a huge bag of drugs in it's mouth,
and drops it at the feet of the deputy. Everyone is understandably impressed,
and they all applaud.
The third contestant, is a shabby
looking FBI agent, in a Hawaiian shirt and a fat, sloppy looking
beagle. The agent tells the dog "Hey special agent Snoopy, let's
wrap this up!" Snoopy runs up to the hole the last dog made, and looks
at it for just a second, and then runs the other way.
He stops behind the other two dogs,
does nasty things to them, takes their drugs and cash, drops them at the
feet of the FBI agent, and then calls a press conference!
Copyright © 1998, Salko Technologies,
Inc., All Rights reserved. Permission is granted to reprint The Daily Joke,
as long as this full copyright notice is included, including the subscription
information. (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
Labels:
The Daily Joke (TM), Set 1, Volume
5, Issue 5, 5-5-98
A three-year-old boy went with his
dad to see a new litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly
informed his mother, "There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens."
"How did you know that?" his mother
asked.
"Daddy picked them up and looked
underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom.
Copyright © 1998, Salko Technologies,
Inc., All Rights reserved. Permission is granted to reprint The Daily Joke,
as long as this full copyright notice is included, including the subscription
information. (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
It's
Not Fair:
The Daily Joke (TM), Set 1, Volume
5, Issue 10, 5-10-98
One day a little girl came home
from school, and said to her mother, "Mommy, today in school I was punished
for something that I didn't do."
The mother exclaimed, "But that's
terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this, by the
way, what was it that you didn't do?"
The little girl replied, "My homework."
Copyright © 1998, Salko Technologies,
Inc., All Rights reserved. Permission is granted to reprint The Daily Joke,
as long as this full copyright notice is included, including the subscription
information. (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
New Venture:
The Daily Joke (TM), Set 1, Volume
5, Issue 10, 5-10-98
Two guys are bungee jumping one
day. The first guys says to the second. "You know, we could make a lot
of money running our own bungee jumping service down in Mexico."
The second guy thinks this is a
great idea, so they pool their money and buy everything they'll need, a
tower, an elastic cord, assorted supplies, marketing materials, etc. They
travel to Mexico and begin to set up.
As they are constructing the tower,
a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch
them at work. The first guy jumps to test the equipment. He bounces at
the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices
that he has a few cuts and scratches.
Unfortunately, the second guy isn't
able to catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up again. This
time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, the second guy misses him. The
first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty
messed up, he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.
The second guy finally catches him
this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"
The first guy says, "No, the cord
was fine, but what is a pinata?"
Copyright © 1998, Salko Technologies,
Inc., All Rights reserved. Permission is granted to reprint The Daily Joke,
as long as this full copyright notice is included, including the subscription
information. (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
Tall Story:
The Daily Joke (TM), Set 1, Volume
5, Issue 11, 5-11-98
The minister was passing a group
of young teens sitting on the Church lawn and stopped to ask what they
were doing.
"Nothing much Pastor." replied the
one kid. "We just seeing who can tell the biggest lie about their
sex life."
"Boys, " he intoned. "I'm shocked.
Why when I was your age, I never even thought about sex at all."
They all replied, in unison, "You
win Pastor"
Copyright © 1998, Salko Technologies,
Inc., All Rights reserved. Permission is granted to reprint The Daily Joke,
as long as this full copyright notice is included, including the subscription
information. (TOP)
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Fun
with the Telemarketer
Submitted By Kim Broach
1. If they want to loan you money,
tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
Ask, "How long can I keep it? Do I have to ever pay it back, or is
it like the other money I borrowed before my bankruptcy?"
2. If they start out with, "How
are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Or you can say, "I'm so
glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all
these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog
just died...." When they try to get back to the sales process, just continue
on with telling about your problems.
3. If the person says he's Joe Doe
from the XYZ Company, ask him to spell his name, then ask him to spell
the company name, then ask where it is located. Continue asking personal
questions or questions about the company for as long as necessary.
4. This one works better if you
are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with Canter and Siegel
services.... You: "Hang on a second." (few seconds pause) "Okay, (in a
really husky voice) what are you wearing?" (*I dont think Sprint
will ever call me back!*)
5. Crying out, in well-simulated
tones of pleasure and surprise, "Judy!! Is this really you? I can't believe
it! Judy, how have you BEEN?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief
moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the heck she could know
you from.
6. Say, "No," over and over. Be
sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they're
trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they
hang up.
7. If MCI calls trying to get you
to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a
voice as you can muster, "I don't have any friends...would you be my friend?"
*MY FAVORITE*
8. If they clean rugs: "Can you
get blood out, you can? Well, how about goat blood or HUMAN blood - chicken
blood too?"
9. Let the person go through their
spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional
"Uh-huh, really, or, "That's fascinating." Finally, when they ask you to
buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered, but just tell them
you couldn't give your credit card number to someone who's a complete stranger.
10. Tell them you work for the same
company they work for. Example: Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Watertronics."
You: "Watertronics!! Hey I work
for them too. Where are you calling from?" Telemarketer: "Uh, Dallas, Texas."
You: "Great, they have a group there too? How's business/the weather? Too
bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see
ya."
11. Tell the Telemarketer you are
busy and if they will give you their phone number you will call them back.
If they say they are not allowed to give out their number, then ask them
for their home number and tell them you will call them at home (this is
usually the most effective method of getting rid of Telemarketers). If
the person says, "Well, I don't really want to get a call at home," say,
"Ya! Now you know how I feel." (smiling, of course...) (TOP)
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Do
Something Nice
The Daily Joke (TM), Set 1, Volume
6, Issue 4, 6-4-98
Unable to attend the funeral after
his father died, a son who lived far away called his brother and told him,
"Do something nice for Dad and send me the bill."
Later, he got a bill for $200.00,
which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which
he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense.
Bills for $200.00 kept arriving
every month, and finally the man called his brother again to find out what
was going on.
"Well," said the other brother,
"You said to do something nice for Dad. So I rented him a tuxedo."
Copyright © 1998, Salko Technologies,
Inc., All Rights reserved. Permission is granted to reprint The Daily Joke,
as long as this full copyright notice is included, including the subscription
information. (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
