THINGS YOU CAN'T SAY WITH
A HALLMARK:
"Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."
"How could two people as beautiful as you have such an ugly baby?"
"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met
you, I've changed my mind."
"I must admit, you brought religion into my life. I never believed in Hell til I
met you."
"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it
for me."
"If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."
"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me- like the need
for therapy..."
"Thanks for being a part of my life!!! I never knew what evil was before this!"
"Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you like to take this
knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again."
"Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."
"Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...almost life-like!"
"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken
up, I think it's time you kept your promise."
"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's
his leash, water bowl and chew toys."
"We have been friends for a very long time-what say we call it quits?"
"I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."
"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father
was?"
"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only
one life jacket.... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."
"Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday, so we're
having you put to sleep."
"Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!"
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A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock on the door. He rolls
over and looks at the clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm
not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a
louder knock follows.
"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.
So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there
is a man standing at the door. It doesn't take the homeowner long to realize the
man is drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??"
"No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the
door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she
says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in
the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and
you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would
have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the
Christian thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets
dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the
stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??"
He hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"
The drunk replies, "Over here, on the swing."
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Welcome To Heaven:
The couple were 85 years old, and had been married for sixty
years. Though they were far from young, they were both in very good health for
their age, largely due to the wife's insistence on health food and exercise for
the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a
vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven. They reached the
pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside.
He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine
silks, with an eternally stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath.
They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your
home now." The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "Why,
nothing," Peter replied, "Remember, this is your reward in Heaven."
They went out behind the mansion, where they were shown the
adjacent championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built
on Earth. "What are the greens fees?", grumbled the old man. "This is heaven,"
St. Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day."
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch,
with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, and free-flowing beverages
and a fountain of champagne. "Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the man. "This
is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy."
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated
tea?" he asked.
"That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and
drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or
sick. This is Heaven!"
The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your dadburn
bran muffins. I could have been here ten years ago!"
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Signs Of the Times:
Sign on an electrician's truck: --- Let us remove your
shorts.
Maternity Clothes Shop: --- We are open on labor day.
On a Front Door: --- Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the
dog.
On a Maternity Room Door: --- "Push, Push, Push"
Non-smoking area: --- If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.
Optometrist's Office: --- If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.
Physicist's Door: --- Gonebr> Fission
Taxidermist Window: --- We really know our stuff.
Podiatrist's Window: --- Time wounds all heels.
Sign on Fence: --- Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.
Car Dealership: --- The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.
Muffler Shop: --- No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming.
Hotel: --- Help! We need inn - experienced people.
Butcher's Window: --- Pleased to meat you.
Sign in an office: --- We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left.
Veterinarians Waiting Room: --- Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!
The Electric Company: --- We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be.
Beauty Shop: --- Dye now!
Garbage Truck: --- We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Computer Store: --- Out for a quick byte.
Diner Window: --- Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.
Bowling Alley: --- Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.
Cafeteria: --- Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want.
Music Library: --- Bach in a minuet.
Funeral Home: --- Drive carefully, we'll wait.
On a Laundromat washing machine: ---
PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
On a College Bulletin Board: ---
The seminar on Time Travel will be held two weeks ago.
Outside a disco: ---
MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN EVERYONE WELCOME
In an Office: ---
Warning: Dates On Calendar Are Closer Than They Appear.
Outside a farm: ---
HORSE MANURE: $1 PER PRE-PACKED BAG - 25 CENTS DO-IT-YOURSELF
In a cleaner's shop: ---
ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF
On a Secretary's Desk: --- The buck doesn't even slow down here!
In a hotel: --- FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT,
THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR.
In a department store: --- BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
On a repair shop: --- WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING - Please knock hard - the bell doesn't work.
In an office building restroom: --- TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW.
On a Plumber's truck: ---
We repair what your husband fixed.
On another Plumber's truck: ---
Don't sleep with a drip - Call your plumber!
On a tire shop: ---
INVITE US TO YOUR NEXT BLOWOUT!
On a health food store: ---
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS.
At an optometrist's office: ---
If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place!
At a New York Laundry: --- Ladies, leave your
clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
In A Shop Window: --- We exchange everything - bicycles,
washing machines, ets etc. Bring your wife and get the deal of your life.
At A Towing Company: --- We don't charge an arm or a leg. We
want toes.
Outside A Factory: --- Closing Down, thanks to all our
customers.
In A Paris Hotel: --- Please, leave your values at the front
desk.
On a car repair shop: --- Our motto is to give our customers the lowest
possible prices and workmanship.
At a gas station: --- We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.
In a restaurant: --- Customers who consider our waitresses rude ought to see the
manager.
On a long-established dry cleaner's: --- 40 years on the same spot.
In a men's clothing store: --- Men's wool suits, $15. They won't last an hour!
In a maternity ward: --- No children allowed.
On the grounds of a convent: --- Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent
of the law. - Sisters of Mercy
In a loan company office: --- Ask about our plans for owning your home.
On a medical building: --- Mental Health Prevention Center
In a church vestry: --- Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual
light is extinguished.
In a pharmacy: --- We dispense with accuracy!
In a cemetery: --- Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their
own graves.
In a dance hall: --- Good clean dancing every night but Sunday.
In a store window: --- Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?
In an appliance store: --- Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the
dirty work!
On a hospital door to the
colonoscopy unit: "To expedite your visit, please back in."
Pizza shop slogan: "7 days
without pizza makes one weak."
Another pizza shop slogan:
"Buy our pizza. We knead the dough."
Door of a plastic surgeon's
office: "Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
In a restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up."
At a propane filling
station: "Tank heaven for little grills."
And don't forget the sign at
a radiator shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."
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Sum Redneck Slang:
Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!"
"Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."
"I'll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outta style."
"This'll jar your preserves."
"Cute as a sack full of puppies."
"If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it."
"Gooder than grits."
"It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."
"It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch."
"Wintery roads are said to be "slicker than otter snot."
"A bothersome person is "like a booger that you can't thump off."
"When something is bad then you say, "that ain't no count."
"If something is hard to do, it's "like trying to herd cats."
"A hectic schedule keeps you "Busier than a cat covering doo-doo on a marble floor."
"She's uglier than homemade soap."
"Your momma's so fat, when she got on the scales to be weighed, it said 'To be continued'."
"He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."
"Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits."
"The wheels still turning, but the hamsters dead"
"I'm just about as welcome at my inlaws as a hair in a biscuit."
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What Women Want In A MAN:
Original List (age 22):
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover
Revised List (age 32):
1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week
Revised List (age 42):
1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady -- splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends
Revised List (age 52):
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers my name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends
Revised List (age 62):
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend
Revised List (age 72):
1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet
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Need a
Tie?:
A
man was walking through the Sahara desert, desperate for water, when he saw
something, far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked towards the
image, only to find a little old man sitting at a card table with a bunch of
neckties laid out on it.
The first man asked "Please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?"
The old man replied "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie? Here's
one that goes nicely with your robes."
The man shouted, "I don't want a tie, you idiot, I need water!"
"OK, don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you that
over that hill there, about 4 miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way,
they'll give you all the water you want."
The man thanked him and walked away towards the hill and eventually disappeared.
Three hours later the first man came crawling back to where the man was sitting
behind his card table.
The man said "I told you, about 4 miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it?"
The man rasped "I found it all right. They wouldn't let me in without a tie."
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The Drivers License Bureau:
"When I went to get my
driver's license renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau was packed. The line
inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his
license.
"He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, 'I was standing
in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture.'
"The clerk looked at his picture closely. 'It's okay,' he reassured the man:
'That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway.'"
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Hold That Lantern!:
In the back woods of Oklahoma, a redneck’s wife went into labor in the
middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.
Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and
said, “Here you hold this high so I can see what I am doing.”
Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. “Whoa there,” said the doctor,
“Don’t be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there’s another one
coming.” Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. “Hold that
lantern up, don’t set it down there’s another one!” said the doctor.
Within a few minutes he had delivered another baby girl. “No, no don’t be in a
hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there’s yet another one coming!” cried
the doctor.
The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, “You
reckon it might be the light that’s attractin’ ‘em?”
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The Speeding Ticket:
A police
officer pulls a guy over for speeding...
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my fifth DUI.
Officer: Can I see the registration for this vehicle?
Driver: Oh, it's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: Yeah. Oh, but come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove compartment
when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: You have a gun in there?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot the lady who owns the car. She's in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the trunk?!?
The officer tells the man to hold on, backs off carefully, and calls for backup. Quickly, the car is surrounded
by police, and the captain approaches the driver to handle the situation.
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure, Officer.
Captain: Hmm, this license is just fine. Whose car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
Captain: Could you slowly open the glove compartment, please, so I can see if there's a gun in there?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
He opens it, and sure enough, there's no gun.
Captain: Would you mind if we opened the trunk? I was told you said there's a body in there.
Driver: No problem.
The trunk is opened, nothing in there but a spare tire.
Captain:
The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the
car, had a gun in the glove compartment, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too!
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The Divorce Trick:
An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says,
"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are
divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're
sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister
in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're
getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."
She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting
divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother
back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU
HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
"Okay," he says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own fares ...
Now what do we tell them for Christmas?
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My Mama Taught Me:
My Mother taught me about Envy...
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have
wonderful parents like you do."
My Mother taught me about Behavior Modification...
"Stop Acting like your father!"
My Mother taught me about the Circle of Life...
"I brought you into this world and I can take you out."
My Mother taught me about Stamina...
"You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished."
My Mother taught me about the science of Osmosis...
"Shut up and eat your Supper!"
My Mother taught me about Contortionism...
"Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck!"
My Mother taught me Irony...
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."
My Mother taught me to appreciate a job well done.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside... I just finished cleaning."
My Mother taught me about Time Travel...
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next
week!"
My Mother taught me about Foresight...
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
My Mother taught me about Logic...
"Because I said so, that's why."
My Mother taught me about Weather...
"It looks like a Tornado swept through your room!"
My Mother taught me about Physics...
"If I yelled because I saw Meteor coming towards you; would you listen THEN!"
My Mother taught me about Hypocrisy...
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't Exaggerate!"
My Mother taught me about Religion...
"You had better pray that stain will come out of the carpet."
Added My Mother taught me
about ANTICIPATION...
"Just wait until your father gets
home."
My Mother
taught me about RECEIVING....
"You are going to get it when we get
home!"
My Mother
taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE...
"What were you thinking? Answer me
when I talk to you ... Don't talk back to me!"
My Mother
taught me LOGIC...
"If you fall out of that swing and
break your neck, your not going to the store with me."
My Mother
taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE...
"If you don't stop crossing your
eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
My Mother
taught me to THINK AHEAD...
"If you don't pass your spelling
test, you'll never get a good job."
My Mother
taught me ESP...
"Put your sweater on; don't you think
I know when you're cold?"
My Mother
taught me HUMOR...
"When that lawn mower cuts off your
toes, don't come running to me."
My Mother
taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...
"If you don't eat your vegetables,
you'll never grow up."
My Mother
taught me about SEX....
"How do you think you got here?"
My Mother
taught me about GENETICS...
"You're just like your father."
My Mother
taught me about my ROOTS...
"Do you think you were born in a
barn?"
My Mother
taught me about WISDOM OF AGE...
"When you get to be my age, you will
understand."
And my all
time favorite... JUSTICE...
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope
they turn out just like you....then you'll see what it's like"
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Daddy What Is Sex?!:
The 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was cooking in the back yard. She
asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?"
The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if
she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight
answer.
He proceeded to tell her all about the 'birds and the bees'. When he finished
explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The
father asked her, "Why did you ask this question?"
The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that the stuff would be ready
in just a couple of secs."
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Go Git Mama!!!:
A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall
for the first time in their lives. The father and son were strolling around
while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but
especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back
together again.
The boy asked, "Paw, What's 'at?" The father (never having seen an elevator)
responded, "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire
life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is." While the boy and his father were
watching with amazement, a fat old lady walked up to the moving walls and
pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady walked between them into a small room. The walls
closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the
walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last
number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls
opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son,
"Boy, go git yer Momma...."
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Phrases of Wisdom
(?)!:
1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
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Its A Conspiracy:
Folks, have you ever noticed that when you're over the hill, everything
seems uphill from where you are? Stairs are steeper. Groceries are heavier. And
everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and was dumbfounded
to discover how long our street had become. And that's not all.
People are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in
whispers all the time, and if you ask them to speak up, they just repeat
themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the
face and exhausted. What do they think I am, a lip reader?
Goodness sakes, they are so much younger than they used to be when I was
their age!
On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into
an old classmate the other day, and she has aged so much that she didn't even
recognize me. I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair
this morning, and in so doing I glanced at my own reflection. REALLY NOW . . .
they don't even make mirrors like they used to!
And everyone drives so fast today . . . you're risking life and limb if you
happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them. All I can say is, their brakes
must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rearview
mirror.
Even clothing manufacturers are becoming less civilized these days. Why else
would they suddenly start labeling a size 6 dress as a 12? Do they think no one
notices that these things no longer fit around the waist, hips, thighs, and
bosom? And too, the fabric in dresses and slacks is so skimpy these days
(especially around the hips and waist), that it's almost impossible to reach my
shoelaces! The sizes just don't run the way they used to.
The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but in
reverse. Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see on that dial? HA! I
would never let myself weigh that much! Just whom do these people think they're
fooling? I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on ...
but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy, too. They've printed the
phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in there!
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Helping Hand:
A priest was walking down the street one day when
he noticed a small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street.
The boy was too small to reach the doorbell, and he was stretching and jumping,
to no avail.
The priest watched the boy for a moment, smiling at his efforts,
then quietly walked across the street.
He walked up behind the little fellow unnoticed and, placing his
hand kindly on the child's shoulder, leaned over and gave the doorbell a good
ring.
Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiled
benevolently and asked, "And now what, little man?"
The boy grinned and said, "Now we run!"
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Stinky Monkey: (Will
Need An mpg player here)
(STINKY MONKEY)
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A Man and A Wish:
There was a guy walking down the street in San Francisco, and he tripped over
an old looking oil lamp. He picked it up and hid it under his jacket, because he
thought it was priceless. While he was running to the antique shop to cash this
puppy in, it rubbed against his shirt. *POOF* A genie popped out of his pocket!
The very angry looking Genie said, "Alright, I have had enough with this
three wish stuff, and 'cuz you stole me away from my HBO Special, I will only
give you one wish!"
The surprised man said, " OK, I want to live in Hawaii in a huge condo on the
beach with three million dollars in the master bedroom, but I am afraid of boats
and planes so I want you to build a bridge from here to Hawaii."
The genie replied with a smirk, " Are you crazy? Do you know how long that
will take, with the pillars going down to the bottom of the ocean, all the
cement it would take for the highway? No I'm sorry, it just can't happen."
The man said with a smile, "Fine then, I want to understand women."
The genie said, " Would you like two lanes or four?"
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Work VS. Prison:
IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK....you spend most of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.
IN PRISON...you get three meals a day (free).
AT WORK.....you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it
yourself.
IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK.....you get rewarded for good behavior with more WORK.
IN PRISON...a guard locks and unlocks the doors for you.
AT WORK.....you must carry around a security card and unlock open all the doors
yourself.
IN PRISON... you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK.....you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
AT WORK.....you have to share.
IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK.....you can not even speak to your family and friends.
IN PRISON...all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work at all.
AT WORK.....you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct
taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.
IN PRISON...you spend most of your life looking through the bars from the inside
wanting to get out.
AT WORK.....you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
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Adam In The Country:
Once there was a boy named Adam who lived in the country. They
had to use an outhouse, and little Adam hated it because it was hot in the
summer, cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on
the bank of a creek and he determined that one day he would push that outhouse
into the creek.
One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so little Adam decided today
was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and
started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.
That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper.
Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why. The dad replied,
"someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it, son?"
The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school
today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into
trouble because he told the truth."
The dad replied, "Well, Adam, George Washington's father wasn't in that cherry
tree."
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Things I've Learned
From My Kids:
1. There is no such thing as childproofing your house.
2. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not
strong enough to rotate a 45-pound boy wearing Superman Underoos.
3. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four
walls of a 20 x 20' room.
4. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the
ball up many times before you get a hit.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
6. Baseballs leave marks on ceilings.
7. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
8. Even double-paned window glass doesn't stop a baseball hit by
a ceiling fan.
9. A 4-year-old's voice is louder than the conversation of 150
adults in a crowded restaurant.
10. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them
with roller blades, they can ignite.
11. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh!", it is
already too late.
12. A 6-year-old boy can start a fire with a flint rock even
though a 45-year-old man says it can only be done in the movies.
13. A magnifying glass can start a fire, even on an overcast
day.
14. If you use a waterbed for sliding practice while wearing
baseball shoes, it does not leak. It explodes.
15. A king-size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2,000 sq.
ft. house almost 4 inches deep.
16. Play-Doh and microwave ovens should not be in the same room.
17. Super Glue is forever.
18. MacGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.
19. No matter how much Jell-O you put in the pool, you still
can't walk on water.
20. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
21. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
22. You probably don't want to know what that smell is.
23. Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
24. The fire department in my town has at least a 5-minute
response.
25. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make
earthworms dizzy.
26. It does, however, make cats dizzy.
27. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
28. A good sense of humor will get you through a lot of problems
in life - mostly in retrospect!
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