The Driver Test
A driver was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. As the officer was
writing the ticket, she noticed several machetes in the car. "What are those
for?" she asked suspiciously. "I'm a juggler," the man replied. "I use those in
my act." The officer wanting to be sure so he asked "Please step out of the car
and show me." So he got out with the machetes and started juggling them, first
three, then more, finally seven at one time, overhand, underhand, behind the
back, putting on a dazzling show and amazing the officer. Pretty soon another
car passed by. The driver did a double take, and said, "My God. I've got to give
up drinking! Look at the tests they're giving now."
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WISH I WAS A BEAR
If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months.
I could deal with that.
Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself into a stupor. I could
deal with that, too.
If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who
bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them, too.
Your husband expects you to growl when you wake up. He expects you to have hairy
legs and excess body fat.
I wish I was a bear. --Author Unknown
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Bank Manager and
Interviews
John, who was born without ears, needed to hire a new Bank
Manager. He set up three interviews.
The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to know and was very
interesting. But at the end of the interview, John asked him, "Do you notice
anything different about me?"
"Why, yes, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears," came the reply.
John did not appreciate his candor and threw him out of the office. The second
interview was with a woman, who had been with the bank a long time. She was even
better than the first guy. But he asked her the same question: Do you notice
anything different about me?"
"Well," she said, "you have no ears."
John again got upset and tossed her out.
The third and final interviewee was the best of the bunch. He was a young man
who had recently earned his MBA. He was smart. He was handsome, and he seemed to
be a better businessman than the first two put together. John was anxious, but
went ahead and asked the young man: "Do you notice anything different about me?"
Much to his surprise, the young man answered, "Yes. You wear contact lenses."
John was shocked and realized this was an incredibly observant person. "How in
the world did you know that?", he asked.
The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and
replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no ears!"
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A Smart Man
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in
front of a pickup truck causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder to avoid
hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm
out his window and gave the hand gesture to the woman. "Man, that guy is stupid"
I thought to myself.
I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does
anything to me in traffic and here's why: I drive 48 miles each way every day to
work, that's 96 miles each day. Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.
Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway so if you just look at the
7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass something like a new car every 40 feet
per lane.
That's 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every
mile, or 31,424 cars. Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper to
bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to
something like 36,000 cars I pass every day.
Statistically, half of these are driven by females, that's 18,000. In any given
group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642. According to Cosmopolitan, 70%
describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449. According
to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously
considered suicide or homicide. That's 98. And 34% describe men as their biggest
problem. That's 33.
According to the National Rifle Association 5% of all females carry weapons and
this number is increasing. That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at
least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem,
has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed. Give a hand
gesture!?
I think not.
written by a very smart man
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Dump A Man Form
Dear _______________, I regret to inform you that you have been
eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the
competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such
as yourself also failed to make the final cut.
I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening come available. So
that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow
me to offer the following reason (s) you were disqualified from the competition:
(Check those that apply)
1. ___ Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating
it, or subjecting any of my children to it.
2. ___ Your first name is objectionable. It's just not something I can picture
myself yelling out in a fit of passion.
3. ___ The fact that our first dining experience to date has left MY wallet a
little lighter, and YOUR pants a little tighter!
4. ___ Your inadvertent admission that you "buy contraceptives by the truckload"
indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my
personality.
5. ___ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about
yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.
6. ___ Your constant emailing, shows me you have TOO much time on your hands!
7. ___ Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my pants, then you
can't GET into my pants.
8. ___ You're too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten up
repeatedly at recess.
9. ___ You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic neck condition from trying to
kiss you.
10. ___ You have a hairy back.
11. ___ I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.
12. ___ The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent
slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.
13. ___ The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in conversation.
14. ___ You still live with your parents.
15. ___ Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of Star Trek
uniforms a little disconcerting.
16. ___ Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect that
you are some sort of psychotic stalker.
17. ___ Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am seeking in a
long term partner.
18. ___ Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should, however,
happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your
application.
19. ___ Somehow I doubt those items that I found in your overnight bag were
really necessary for a successful business trip.
20. ___ I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time.
Sincerely, _________________________________
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Little Timmy
Little Timmy was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over
the fence. Interested in what the cheeky -faced youngster was up to, he politely
asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?" "My goldfish died," replied Timmy
tearfully, "and I've just buried him." The neighbor was concerned. "That's an
awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Little Timmy patted down the last
heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."
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THE ORIGIN OF PETS
A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to
"Where do pets come from?"
Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every
day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult
for us to remember how much you love us."
And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with
you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will
love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or
unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will
love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.
And it was a good animal.
And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.
And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I
cannot think of a name for this new animal."
And God said, "No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a
reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and
you will call him DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.
And they were comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord,
Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks
and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that
they are loved, but perhaps too well."
And God said, "No problem! I will create for them a companion who will be with
them forever and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them
of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of
adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they
were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.
And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was happy.
And Cat didn't give a care one way or the other.
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How To Tell
You've Joined A BAD HMO !!!
The Chief Surgeon's diploma is from the University of Benihana.
The only item listed under Preventive Care coverage is "an apple a day."
Your proctologist makes house calls in a Roto-Rooter van.
Your Prozac comes in different colors with little 'm's on them.
Directions to your doctor's office include, "Take a left when you enter the
trailer park."
Use of antibiotics is deemed an "unauthorized experimental procedure."
You ask for Viagra, and you get a popsicle stick and duct tape.
The only expense covered 100% is cremation.
Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
"Patient responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges" is not a typo.
Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last
month.
Your annual breast exam is conducted at a Bar N Grill!
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Fun Parent Definitions
Words that you or I would commonly use for one meaning, have a completely
different meaning to parents in a family...
AMNESIA: condition that enables a woman who has gone through
labor to have sex again.
BOTTLE FEEDING: an opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 AM too.
DEFENSE: what you'd better have around the yard if you're going to let the
children play outside.
DROOLING: how teething babies wash their chins.
DUMB WAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
FAMILY PLANNING: the art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to
keep you from falling into financial disaster.
FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when a baby doesn't appreciate the strained
carrots.
FULL NAME: what you call your child when you're mad at him.
GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are wonderful even though
they're sure you're not raising them right.
HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
IMPREGNABLE: a woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we
say.
LOOK OUT!: what it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.
OWWW: the first word spoken by children with older siblings.
PRENATAL: when your life was still somewhat your own.
PREPARED CHILDBIRTH: a contradiction in terms.
PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes.
SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.
STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your
last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
STOREROOM: the distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children
in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.
TEMPER TANTRUMS: what you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the
children.
THUNDERSTORM: a chance to see how many family members can fit into one bed.
TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
TWO-MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those
familiar grunting noises.
VERBAL: able to whine in words.
WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house.
WHOOPS: an exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge".
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NEW DAFFYNITIONS
BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed
or a project failed, and who was responsible.
SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on
everything, and then leaves.
CHAINSAW CONSULTANT: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee
headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.
CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.
IDEA HAMSTERS: People who always seem to have their idea generators running.
MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm,
and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
SITCOMs: (Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage) What yuppies turn
into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the
kids.
SQUIRT THE BIRD: To transmit a signal to a satellite.
STARTER MARRIAGE: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no
kids, no property and no regrets.
STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
SWIPED OUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the
magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
TOURISTS: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their
jobs. "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists."
TREEWARE: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.
XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
GOING POSTAL: Euphemism for being totally stressed out, for losing it. Makes
reference to the unfortunate track record of postal employees who have snapped
and gone on shooting rampages.
ALPHA GEEK: The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office
or work group.
CHIPS & SALSA: Chips ? hardware, Salsa ? software. "Well, first we gotta figure
out if the problem's in your chips or your salsa.
FLIGHT RISK: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a
company or department soon.
GOOD JOB: A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" Job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay
off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.
IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find
your-self unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.
Bill Clinton's shameful video Grand Jury testimony is another.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the heck out of an electronic
device to get it to work again.
UNINSTALLED: Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voice-mail of a vice
president at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of an
Uninstalled Vice President. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for
assistance. *(Syn: decruitment.)
VULCAN NERVE PINCH: The taxing hand position required to reach all the
appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the arm re-boot for a Mac
II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control key, the Command Key,
the Return Key, and the Power On key.
YUPPIE FOOD STAMPS: The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere.
Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal, "We each owe $8, but all
anybody's got are yuppie food stamps."
SALMON DAY - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to
get screwed and die in the end.
CLM - Career Limiting Move - Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised
activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.
ADMINISPHERE - The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank
and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly
inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
DILBERTED- To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the
experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've been
dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."
404 - Someone who's clueless. >From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not
Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located."Don't bother
asking him . . . he's 404, man."
GENERICA- Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter
where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions. Used as in
"We were so lost in generica that I forgot what city we were in."
OHNOSECOND- That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've
just made a BIG mistake.
Antibody
- Against everyone
Avoidable - What a bullfighter tries to do
Baloney - Where some hemlines fall
Benign - What you be after you be eight
Burglarize - What a crook sees with
Control - A short, ugly inmate
Counterfeiters - Workers who put together kitchen cabinets
Dislocation - At this location
Dumbwaiter - one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
Ethernet - Device used to catch the Etherbunny.
Feedback - The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
Hearsay - What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
Heroes - What a guy in a boat does
Misty - How golfers create divots
Paradox - Two physicians
Pharmacist - A helper on the farm
Polarize - What penguins see with
Primate - Removing your spouse from in front of the TV
Relief - What trees do in the spring
Selfish - What the owner of a seafood store does
Subdued - A guy who works on a submarine
Sudafed - Brought litigation against a government official
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Things
You'd Love To Say At Work On A BAD Day!
1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of it.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you see it my way.
6. I'll try being nicer if you try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. It sounds like English but I can't understand a word you're saying.
9. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
10. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
11. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
12. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
13. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
14. This isn't an office. This is hell with fluorescent lighting.
15. I started out with nothing...and I still have most of it left.
16. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
17. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
18. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
19. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
20. Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done.
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I Love My Job!
I love my job.
I love the pay.
I love it more and more each day.
I love my boss, he is the best!
I love his boss and all the rest!
I love my office and its location.
I hate to have to go on vacation.
I love my furniture, drab and grey, and piles of paper that grow each day.
I think my job is really swell, there's nothing else I love so well.v I love to
work among my peers. I love their leers and jeers and sneers.
I love my computer and its software.
I hug it often though it wont care.
I love each program and every file.
I'd love them more if they worked once in awhile.
I'm happy to be here. I am. I am.
I'm the happiest slave of the firm. I am.
I love this work. I love these chores.
I love the meetings with deadly bores.
I love my job - I'll say it again - I even love those friendly men.
Those friendly men who've come today, in clean white coats to take me away!!!!!
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If men got pregnant...
1. Morning sickness would rank as the nations number one health problem.
2. Maternity leave would last for two years with full pay.
3. Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.
4. Natural childbirth would become obsolete.
5. All methods of birth control would become 100% effective.
6. Men would be eager to talk about commitment.
7. There would be a cure for stretch marks.
8. They would serve beer instead of coffee at antenatal classes.
9. Men wouldn't think twins were so cute.
10. Sons would have to come home from dates by 9 pm.
Hehehe! Wouldn't it be nice?
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Why It's GREAT To Be A DOG!
No one expects you to take a bath every day.
When it's raining, you can lie around the house all day and never worry about
being fired.
You can wear a fur coat and no one thinks you're insensitive.
If it itches, you can reach it. And no matter what itches no one is offended if
you scratch it in public.
It's okay if you never "amount to anything" except being a dog.
If you grow hair in weird places, no one notices.
You never get in trouble for putting your head in a stranger's lap.
Nobody thinks less of you for passing gas in public.
Your friends never expect you to pay for lunch, drinks, or anything else for
that matter.
A chew toy can entertain you for hours.
There's no such thing as bad food.
No one gets mad if you fall asleep while they're talking.
You can sleep late every day.
People think you're normal if you stick your head out the window to feel the
wind in your hair.
You never have to worry about good table manners.
Someone else combs your hair.
Your mate never complains because you whine.
Everything smells good to you.
You're always excited to see the same old people.
Every garbage can is a fast-food stop.
And if you gain weight, it's someone else's fault!
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New Sayings for the
Internet:
Home is where you hang your @.
The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
Great groups from little icons grow.
Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
C: is the root of all directories.
Don't put all your hypes in one home page.
Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
The modem is the message.
Too many clicks spoil the browse.
The geek shall inherit the earth.
A chat has nine lives.
Don't byte off more than you can view.
Fax is stranger than fiction.
What boots up must come down.
Windows will never cease.
Virtual reality is its own reward.
Modulation in all things.
A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
There's no place like home.com.
Know what to expect before you connect.
Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he
won't bother you for weeks.
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Spank The Baby
An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so
far out, there
was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the
laboring mother and
her 5-year-old child.
The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he
helped the woman
deliver the baby. The child did so.
The mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby
by the feet and
spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.
The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby.
The little boy responded: "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first
place.
Spank him again."
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HANDY SCIENTIFIC
CONVERSIONS!:
1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
365.25 days of drinking low-calorie soda = 1 lite year
Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line
10 cards = 1 decacards
Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond
Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon
1000 aches and pains = 1 kilohurtz
2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton
3 statute miles of surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 I.V. League
1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
2 monograms = 1 diagram
1000 cubic centimeters of wet socks = 1 literhosen!
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Considering Having
Children?!
Are you considering having children? To determine whether you are truly prepared
for the experience, we suggest you take this set of simple tests...
MESS TEST:
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet
flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish
stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
TOY TEST:
Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may substitute
roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house.
Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (this
could wake a child at night).
GROCERY STORE TEST:
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you
shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they
eat or damage.
DRESSING TEST:
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure
that all arms stay inside.
FEEDING TEST:
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the
ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of
soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug while
pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
NIGHT TEST:
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds of sand.
Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag
until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick
up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more
and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make
breakfast. Keep this up for five years. Look cheerful.
PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN):
Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave
it there for 9 months. Now remove 10% of the beans.
PHYSICAL TEST (MEN):
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to
help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and
arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a
newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
FINAL ASSIGNMENT:
Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can
improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's
table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they
should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be
the last time you will have all the answers.
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Old Jokes Never Die!:
Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.
Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver.
Old architects never die, they just lose their structures.
Old bankers never die, they just lose interest.
Old basketball players never die, they just go on dribbling.
Old beekeepers never die, they just buzz off.
Old bookkeepers never die, they just lose their figures.
Old cashiers never die, they just check out.
Old chauffeurs never die, they just lose their drive.
Old cooks never die, they just get deranged.
Old daredevils never die, they just get discouraged.
Old deans never die, they just lose their faculties.
Old doctors never die, they just lose their patience.
Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.
Old farmers never die, they just go to seed.
Old hackers never die, they just go to bits.
Old hardware engineers never die, they just cache in their chips.
Old hippies never die, they just smell that way.
Old investors never die, they just roll over.
Old janitors never die, they just kick the bucket.
Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under.
Old ministers never die, they just get put out to pastor.
Old musicians never die, they just get played out.
Old pilots never die, they just go to a higher plane.
Old psychics never die, they just lose their vision.
Old quarterbacks never die, they just pass away.
Old schoolteachers never die, they just lose their principals.
Old sewage workers never die, they just waste away.
Old skateboarders never die, they just lose their bearings.
Old steelmakers never die, they just lose their temper.
Old tanners never die, they just go into hiding.
Old teachers never die, they just lose their class.
Old typesetters never die, they just lose their justification.
Old white water rafters never die, they just get disgorged.
Old wrestlers never die, they just lose their grip!
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It's Time to
Diet & Exercise When...
...you try to do a few pushups and discover that certain body parts refuse to
leave the floor.
...your children look through your wedding album and want to know who Daddy's
first wife was.
...you get winded just saying the words "six-kilometer run."
...you come to the conclusion that, if God really wanted you to touch your toes
each morning, He would have put them somewhere around your knees.
...you analyze your body honestly and decide what you should develop first is
your sense of humor.
...you step on a talking scale and it says, "Come back when you're alone."
...to you, "Itsy-Bitsy Teenie-Weenie Yellow Polka dot Bikini" and "The
Impossible Dream" become the same song.
...you accept the fact that you can fool some of the people all of the time and
all of the people some of the time, but not while you're wearing a bathing suit.
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"The Stork"
A girl was assigned a paper on childbirth for a homework project, and went to
her mother to ask for some information. "Mom, how was I born?" she asked.
"Well, honey..." said her mother, a bit nervously. "The stork brought you to
us." "Oh," said the girl, scratching her head. "Well, then how did you and daddy
get born?" she asked.
"Oh, well, the stork brought us too," said her mother. The girl thought it over
a moment, and asked, "Well then, how were grandpa and grandma born?"
Her mother, embarrassed a little at her persistence, replied, "Well, darling,
the stork brought them, too, a long time ago."
The girl sighed and went off to her room to do her homework. She handed in her
paper to the teacher, who read her opening sentence: "This report has been very
difficult to research, due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural
childbirth in my family for three generations!"
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VERY PUNNY!!!
Why don't newspapers put ads on the front page? - Because they're Classified.
Did you hear about the unselfish gymnast? - She was always bending over
backwards for people.
Did you hear about the twin bowlers? - They bore a striking resemblance.
What happened to the thief who stole a calendar? - He got twelve months.
Did you hear about the dentist and the manicurist who didn't get along? - They
fought tooth and nail!
What happened to the boy who was studying to be an electrician, but kept
skipping school? - His mother grounded him!
What happened to the man who fell into an upholstery machine? - He's fully
recovered.
Did you hear about the scuba diver who invented a walkie-talkie he could use
underwater? - He wanted to have in-depth discussions.
Did you hear about the Eskimo who stabbed himself with an icicle? - He died of
cold cuts.
Why did the guy who draws pictures of suspects for the police get arrested? -
Because he was a con artist!
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You Know You're A
DOG PERSON When...
Your dog sleeps with you at least five nights a week.
You have a kiddie wading pool in the yard, but no small children.
You carry dog biscuits in your purse or pocket at all times.
Lint removers are on your shopping list every week.
You put an extra blanket on the bed so your dog can be comfortable.
You sign and send birthday and Christmas cards from your dog.
You like people who like your dog. You despise people who don't.
Your license plate or license plate frame mentions your dog.
Dog poop is a common source of conversation for you and your significant other.
You can't see out the passenger side of the windshield because there are
noseprints all over the inside.
You skip breakfast so you can walk your dog in the morning before work.
You have 18 different names for your dog. Most make no sense, but she
understands them all.
Your parents refer to your pet as their granddog.
Your hungry significant other comes home from work, lifts the cover of the pan
on the stove and says, "Is this people food or dog food?"
Your hungry significant other once ate the dog food and asked for seconds.
Your weekend activities are usually planned around taking your dog for hikes.
You develop your latest roll of film and there isn't a single picture of a
two-legged person in it.
You have your dog's picture on your office desk, but no one else's.
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A DIPLOMAT Is...
Someone who can always make himself misunderstood.
Someone who always knows what to talk about, but doesn't always talk about what
he knows.
Someone who can juggle a hot potato long enough for it to become a cold issue.
Someone who can put his best foot forward when he doesn't have a leg to stand
on.
Someone who can put his foot down without stepping on someone's toes.
Someone who can tell a man he's open-minded when he means he has a hole in his
head.
Someone who has a straightforward way of dodging issues.
Someone who can tell you to go to hell so tactfully that you look forward to the
trip.
Someone who lets YOU do all the talking while HE gets what he wants.
Someone who can make his wife believe she will look fat in a mink coat!
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"The New Father"
One day a new mother went out to run some errands, leaving her husband in charge
of their baby son for the day.
The proud father played with his son all morning, but after a few hours, the
baby began to cry uncontrollably. The father tried everything he could think of
to get the baby to stop - he offered him the bottle, burped him, rocked him, but
nothing seemed to work and the baby just cried more and more.
Finally, the new dad became worried, and decided to take the baby to the
pediatrician.
The doctor began to examine the squalling baby, not finding anything wrong.
Finally, he worked his way down and undid the child's diaper. "Well, here's your
problem," the doctor chuckled, pointing at the overloaded diaper. "This baby
hasn't been changed all day!"
The father scratched his head, perplexed. "But..." he said, "The diaper package
says it's good for up to 10 pounds!"
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The Winner Is...
A father took his five small children to the fair one summer day for a special
treat.
They walked around, looked at the exhibits, went on some rides, and stopped to
play some games.
Showing his skill at a ring toss game, the father won a big stuffed animal. He
gathered his children around him to let them decide which one should get the
toy.
"Now, kids, I'll let you decide," he said. "Who is the most obedient? Who never
talks back to Mother? Who does everything she says?"
The children all looked at one another, then five small voices answered in
unison: "Okay, Dad. You get to keep it."
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