Have you heard about the next planned Survivor show?
Three businessmen and three businesswomen will be dropped in an elementary
school classroom for 6 weeks. Each business person will be provided with a copy
of their school district's curriculum, and a class of 28 students.
Each class will have five learning-disabled children, three with A.D.D., one
gifted child, and two who speak limited English. Three will be labeled as
severe behavior problems. Each business person must complete lesson plans at
least 3 days in advance with annotations for curriculum objectives and modify,
organize, or create materials accordingly.
They will be required to teach students, handle misconduct, implement
technology, document attendance, write referrals, correct homework, make
bulletin boards, compute grades, complete report cards, document benchmarks,
communicate with parents, and arrange parent conferences.
They must also supervise recess and monitor the hallways.
In addition, they will complete drills for fire, tornadoes, and shooting
attacks. They must attend workshops, (100 hours), faculty meetings, union
meetings, and curriculum development meetings. They must also tutor those
students who are behind and strive to get their 2 non-English speaking children
proficient enough to take the Terra Nova and EPA tests.
If they are sick or having a bad day they must not let it show. Each day they
must incorporate reading, writing, math, science, and social studies into the
program. They must maintain discipline and provide an educationally
stimulating environment at all times.
The business people will only have access to the golf course on the weekends,
but on their new salary they will not be able to afford it anyway. There will
be no access to vendors who want to take them out to lunch, and lunch will be
limited to 30 minutes.
The winner will be allowed to return to his or her job.
(TOP) (Back
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I Fired Him!!!
Mr. Swiller (A typical Texan Now Don't Cha know) was known far
and wide as a hard-nosed boss who watched his employees like a hawk. He was
making one of his regular tours of the factory when he spotted a young man
leaning up against a pile of boxes just outside the foreman's office. Since
George, the foreman, wasn't around, Swiller stood off to the side and watched to
see just how long the young man would stand around doing nothing. The young man
yawned, scratched his head, looked at his watch, and sat down on the floor. He
took out a nail file and began cleaning his nails. Then he stretched,
yawned again, and leaned back on the pile of boxes.
Swiller stepped from his hiding place and walked up to the young man. "You!" he
boomed. "How much do you make a week?" The young man looked up at him
indifferently. "Two hundred and fifty dollars," he said. Swiller swooped into
the cashier's office, took $250 from the cash box, and returned. "Take it," he
said, "and get out! Don't let me see you around here again!" The young man took
the cash, put it in his pocket and took off.
Swiller snorted at his lack of remorse, embarrassment, or any other feeling.
Then he went looking for George. When he found him, Swiller was red with anger.
"That idler in front of your office," Swiller said, "I just gave him a week's
pay and fired him. What's the matter with you, letting him stand around as
though he had nothing to do?"
"You mean that kid in the red shirt?" George asked. "Yes! The kid in the red
shirt!"
"He was waiting for the twenty dollars we owe him for lunch," George said. "He
works for the coffee shop around the corner."
(TOP) (Back
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New Missionary:
A new
missionary recruit went to Venezuela for the first time. He was struggling with
the language and didn't understand a whole lot of what was going on. Intending
to visit one of the local churches, he got lost, but eventually got back on
track and found the place.
Having
arrived late, the church was already packed. The only pew left was the one on
the front row. So as not to make a fool of himself, he decided to pick someone
out of the crowd to imitate. He chose to follow the man sitting next to
him on the front pew. As they sang, the man clapped his hands, so the missionary
recruit clapped too. When the man stood up to pray, the missionary recruit stood
up too. When the man sat down, he sat down. When the man held the cup and bread
for the Lord's Supper, he held the cup and bread.
During the
preaching, the recruit didn't understand a thing. He just sat there and tried to
look just like that man in the front pew. Then he perceived that the preacher
was giving announcements. People clapped, so he looked to see if the man was
clapping. He was, and so the recruit clapped too. Then the preacher said some
words that he didn't understand and he saw the man next to him stand up. So he
stood up too.
Suddenly a
hush fell over the entire congregation. A few people gasped. He looked around
and saw that nobody else was standing. So he sat down.
After the
service ended, the preacher stood at the door shaking the hands of those who
were leaving. When the missionary recruit stretched out his hand to greet the
preacher, the preacher said, in English: I take it you don't speak Spanish. The
missionary recruit replied: No I don't. It's that obvious?
Well yes,
said the preacher, I announced that the Acosta family had a newborn baby boy and
would the proud father please stand up.
(TOP) (Back
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Ellen:
A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her
basket. As they passed the cookie section, the child asked for cookies and her
mother told her "no." The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and
the mother said quietly, "Now Ellen, we just have half of the aisles left to go
through; don't be upset. It won't be long."
He passed the mother again in the candy aisle. Of course, the little girl began
to shout for candy. When she was told she couldn't have any, she began to cry.
The mother said, "There, there, Ellen, don't cry. Only two more aisles to go,
and then we'll be checking out."
The man again happened to be behind the pair at the check-out, where the little
girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon
discovering there would be no gum purchased today. The mother patiently said,
"Ellen, we'll be through this check out stand in five minutes, and then you can
go home and have a nice nap."
The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment
her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Ellen..."
The mother broke in,
"My little girl's name is Tammy... I'm Ellen."
(TOP) (Back
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Random Sillieness:
One good turn gets most of the blankets.
Never lick a gift horse in the mouth.
A flying saucer results when a klutz spills his hot coffee.
Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
Don't be so open-minded, your brains might fall out.
If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie!"...till you can find a rock.
Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way.
If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
(TOP) (Back
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Efficiency Expert:
The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. " You
don't want to try these techniques at home."
" Why not?" asked someone from the back of the audience.
" I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "
She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often
carrying just a single item at a time. "Hon," I suggested, "why don't you try
carrying several things at once?"
The voice from the back asked, " Did it save time?"
The expert replied, " actually, yes. It used to take her twenty minutes to get
breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven. "
(TOP) (Back
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Duh Government In Action
Once upon a time the government had a huge,
abandoned scrap yard in the middle of the desert.
A Congressman discovered its existence, and worried that someone
may steal from it at night. So they created a Night Watchman Position and hired
a man for the job.
Then Congress asked, "How can the Watchman do his job without
proper instruction?"
So they created a Planning Department and hired two more people:
a Documentation Specialist to write the instructions, and a trainer to teach the
Night Watchman how to watch.
Then Congress said, "How will we know the Night Watchman and the
Documentation Specialist are doing their tasks correctly?"
So they created a Quality Control Department and hired two more
people: One to do efficiency studies and one to write reports.
Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?"
So they created positions for an accountant, a Payroll Officer,
and a Manager to keep track of everyone's time, and hired three more people.
Then Congress said, "Who's going to be accountable for all of
these people?"
So they created an Administrative Section and hired three more
people: an Administrative Officer, an Assistant Administrative Officer, and a
Legal Secretary.
Then Congress said, "We have had this facility in operation for
one year, and we are $22,000 over budget! We must cut back our overall costs!"
So they laid off the Night Watchman.
(TOP) (Back
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Clothes Management Cycle:
(TOP) (Back
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Three Envelopes:
Morris had just been hired as the new CEO of a large firm. The previous CEO met
with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes: #1, #2, and
#3. "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve,"
the departing CEO said.
Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a
downturn, and Morris was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit's end,
he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first
envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor."
Morris, the new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at
the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press -- and Wall
Street - responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon
behind him.
About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales,
combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous
experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read,
"Reorganize." This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.
After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on
difficult times. Morris went to his office, closed the door and opened the third
envelope.
The message read:
"Prepare three envelopes!"
(TOP) (Back
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A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup,
the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with
horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die.
Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a
good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an
especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a
hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress
worse. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week
and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year,
I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"
"You're going to die," she replied. -
(TOP) (Back
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A physician, an engineer, and an attorney were discussing who among them
belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented. The physician said,
"Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making
him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession."
The engineer replied, "But, before that, God created the heavens and earth
from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore,
engineering is an older profession than medicine."
Then, the lawyer spoke up. "Yes," he said, "But who do you think created all
of the chaos and confusion?"
(TOP) (Back
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Split the Burger:
A little old couple walked slowly into McDonalds one cold
winter evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young
couples eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at
them.
You could tell what the admirers were thinking. "Look, there is a couple who has
been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!"
The little old man walked right up to the cash register,
placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple
took a table near the back wall and started taking food off the tray. There was
one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink.
The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half.
He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the
French fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of
his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup
down between them.
As the wife began to eat her few bites of hamburger the crowd
began to get restless. Again you could tell what they were thinking. "That
poor old couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them."
As the wife began to eat her French fries one young man stood and came over to
the old couples' table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old
couple to eat. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to
sharing everything.
Then the crowd noticed that the little old man hadn't eaten a
bite. She just sat there watching his wife eat and occasionally taking turns
sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy
them something to eat. This time the lady explained that no, they were used to
sharing everything together.
As the little old lady finished eating and was wiping her face neatly with a
napkin the young man could stand it no longer. Again he came over to their table
and offered to buy some food. After being politely refused again he finally
asked a question of the little old man.
"Sir, why aren't you eating? You said that you share
everything. What is it that you are waiting for?" He smiled and answered...
"The teeth"
(TOP) (Back
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Things CATS Must Try To Remember!
Screaming at the can of food will not make it
open itself.
I should not assume the patio door is open when I race outside
to chase leaves.
If I put a live mouse in my food bowl, I should not expect it to
stay there until I get hungry.
The guinea pig likes to sleep once in a while. I will not watch
him constantly.
If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.
I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall,
and growl at nothing right after my human has finished watching "The X-Files".
Television and computer screens do not exist to backlight my
lovely tail.
No matter how dangly and attractive they are, my human's
earrings are not cat toys.
If I play 'dead cat on the stairs' while people are trying to
bring in groceries or laundry, one of these days it will really come true.
My human is capable of cooking bacon and eggs without my help.
The canned cat food is already dead. I do not need to kill it by
swatting bits of it all over the floor.
I am a carnivore. Potted plants are not meat.
I will never be able to walk on the ceiling, and staring up the
wall and screaming at it will not bring it any closer.
It is not a good idea to try to lap up the powdered creamer
before it all dissolves in the boiling coffee.
The goldfish likes living in water and must be allowed to remain
in its bowl.
If my human wants to share her sandwich with me, she will give
me a piece. She will notice if I start eating it from the other end.
I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside.
The large dog in the back yard has lived there for six years. I
will not freak out every time I see it.
I am a neutered cat, not a peacock, and prancing around with my
tail fluffed up will not make my balls grow back.
If I must give a present to my humans' overnight guests, my toy
mouse is much more socially acceptable than a live cockroach, even if it isn't
as tasty.
Just because I hear voices in my head, I do not have to answer
them!
(TOP) (Back
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OK, Who's Been
Stealing My Body!
My thighs were stolen from me during
the night of August 3rd a few years ago. It was just that quick.
I went to sleep in my body and woke up with someone else's thighs. The new ones
had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Who would have done such a cruel thing to
legs that had been wholly, if imperfectly, mine for years? Whose thighs were
these? What happened to mine?
I spent the entire summer looking for them. I searched, in vain, at pools and
beaches, anywhere I might find female limbs exposed. I became obsessed. I had
nightmares filled with cellulite and flesh that turns to bumps in the night.
Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans and
Sheer Energy pantyhose. Then, just when my guard was down, the thieves struck
again.
My buns were next. I knew it was the same gang because they took pains to match
my new derriere (although badly attached at least three inches lower than the
original) to the thighs they had stuck me with earlier. Now my rear complimented
my legs, lump for lump. Frantic, I prayed that long skirts would stay in
fashion.
It was 2 years ago when I realized my arms had been switched. One morning while
fixing my hair, I watched, horrified but fascinated, as the flesh of my upper
arms swung to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting
scary. My body was being replaced, cleverly and fiendishly, one section at a
time.
Age? Age had nothing to do with it. Age was supposed to creep up, noticed and
intangible, something like maturity. NO, I was being attacked, repeatedly and
without warning.
During one spring, my attention was riveted to upper arms... female arms. I
studied them from every angle, being careful not to raise mine in public or
flatten them too tightly against my body.
In private, I held them straight out and did endless circles that would have
tightened my real arms but did nothing for these new "Silly-Putty" caricatures.
In the end, in deepening despair, I gave up my T-shirts. What could they do to
me next? My eyes began to remind people that they needed a new pair of Hush
Puppies. My poor neck disappeared more quickly than the Thanksgiving turkey it
now reminded me of.
That's why I've decided to tell my story; I can't take on the medical profession
by myself. Women of America, wake up and smell the coffee! That isn't really
"plastic" those surgeons are using. You know where they're getting those
replacement parts, don't you?
(TOP) (Back
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Cabbie
A tourist is picked up by a cabbie in New York on a dark night.
The passenger taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.
The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, drives up on
the sidewalk, and stops inches from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look
friend, don't EVER do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologizes and says he didn't realize that a "little tap" could
scare him so much.
The driver, after gathering himself together replied, "Sorry, it's not really
your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving hearses
for the last 25 years!
(TOP) (Back
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An Appropriate Tune
A minister was preoccupied with thoughts of
how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they
were expecting for repairs to the church building.
Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a
substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know
what to play.
"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to
think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we
are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and
we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played "The National Anthem."
(TOP) (Back
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3 sons left home, went out on their own and
prospered. Getting back together they discussed gifts they were able to give
their elderly mother.
The first said, "I built a big house for our
mother."
The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a
driver."
The third smiled and said, "Ha, I got you both
beat. Remember how mother loved to read the Bible? And you know that she can't
see very well? Well, I sent her an amazing parrot that recites the entire Bible.
It took Church elders 14 years to teach him. Mom just has to name the chapter
and verse and the parrot will recite it."
Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of
thanks:
"Adam," she wrote one son, "The house you built
is so big. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."
"Jon," she wrote to another, "I am too old to
travel and stay at home most of the time, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the
driver is so rude!"
"Dearest Gerald," she wrote to her third son,
"You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was
absolutely delicious..."
(TOP) (Back
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Interesting Career Change
A gynecologist had a burning desire to change
careers and become a mechanic. So she found out from her local tech college what
was involved, signed up for evening classes and attended diligently, learning
all she could. When time for the practical exam approached, she prepared
carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, she was surprised to find that she had obtained a
mark of 150%. Fearing an error, she called the instructor, saying "I don't want
to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had
been an error which needed adjusting."
The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly,
which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again
perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. I gave you an extra 50% because
you did all of it THROUGH the muffler..."
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Shingles
A man walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He replied, "I got shingles."
She said, "Fill out this form and supply your name, address, medical insurance number. When you're done, please take a seat."
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked him what he had. He said, "I got shingles."
So she took down his height, weight, and complete medical history, then said, "Change into this gown and wait in the examining room."
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said, "I got shingles."
So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told him to wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles."
The doctor gave him a full-cavity examination, and then said, "I just checked you out thoroughly, and I can't find shingles anywhere.
" The man replied, "They're outside in the truck. Where do you want them?" (TOP) (Back
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RUFUS AND CLARENCE
There were two old geezers living in the backwoods of the Ozarks.... Rufus and Clarence.
They lived on opposite sides of the river, and they hated each other. Every morning, just after sun-up, Rufus and Clarence would go down to their respective sides of the river
and yell at each other.
"Rufus!!" Clarence would shout.
"You better thank yor lucky stars I cain't swim....
er I'd swim this river and whup your butt!!"
"Clarence!!!" Rufus would holler back.
"You better thank YOUR lucky stars that I cain't swim...
er I'd swim this river and whup your skinny butt!!!"
This happened every morning for twenty years.
One day the Army Corps of Engineers
comes along and build a bridge.
Still, every morning, every day
for another five years this yelling
across the river goes on, even with the bridge.
Finally....Mrs.Rufus had had enough.
"Rufus!" she squallers one day.
"I cain't take no more!!
Ever day for 25 years
you've been threatenin' to whup Clarence.
Well, there's the bridge......have at it."
Rufus thought for a moment.
Chewed his bottom lip for another moment.
"Woman!" he declared, snapping his suspenders into place,
"I'm gonna across that thar bridge and
I'm gonna whup Clarence's butt!!!"
He walked out the door, down to the river,
along the riverbank, came to the bridge,
stepped up onto the bridge,
walked about halfway over the bridge,
looked up.....
TURNED TAIL AND RAN SCREAMING
BACK TO THE HOUSE,
SLAMMED THE DOOR,
BOLTED THE WINDOWS,
GRABBED THE SHOTGUN
AND DOVE, PANTING AND GASPING,
UNDER THE BED!!!!!
"Rufus!" cried the misses.
"I thought you wuz gonna whup Clarence's butt!!!"
"I was, woman, I was!!" he whispered.
"Rufus!" cried the misses.
"What in tarnation is the matter?"
"Well," muttered the terror-stricken Rufus,
" I went to the bridge......
I stepped up on the bridge.....
walked halfway over the bridge....
looked up....."
"And?" asked Mrs. Rufus,
breathless with suspense.
"And," continued Rufus,
"I saw a sign that said
"Clearance, 13 feet, 6 inches"
he ain't never looked that big
from the other side of the river!!!!!!!" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
*The Godfather*
The Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with
his accountant. The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where's the three million
bucks you embezzled from me?" The accountant doesn't answer. The Godfather asks
again, "Where's the three million bucks you embezzled from me?"
The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf-mute and cannot understand
you, but I can interpret for you."
The Godfather says, "Well, ask him where the money is." The attorney, using
sign language, asks the accountant where the three million dollars is. The
accountant signs back, "I don't know what you're talking about." The attorney
interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you're talking about." The
Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the
trigger and says, "Ask him again where the money is!"
The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!" The
accountant signs back, "Okay! Okay! The money's hidden in a suitcase behind the
shed in my backyard!" The Godfather says, "Well, what did he say?" The attorney
interprets to the Godfather, "He says that you don't have the guts to pull the
trigger."
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Top 10 Signs You Bought a
Bad Computer
10. The lower corner of your screen has the words "Etch-a- sketch" imprinted on
it.
9. It's celebrity spokesman is that "Hey Vern!" guy.
8. In order to start it you need some jumper cables and a friend's car.
7. It's slogan is "Puntium: redefining mathematics".
6. The "quick reference" manual is 120 pages long.
5. Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling.
4. The screen often displays the message, "Ain't it break time yet?"
3. The manual contains only one sentence: "Good Luck!"
2. The only chip inside is a Dorito.
1. You've decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your fabulous
paperweight collection.
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Thoughts On Dogs
1. "If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where
they went." - Will Rogers
2. "Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people,
who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate." - Sigmund
Freud
3. "The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead
of his tongue." - Anonymous
4. "Dogs need to sniff the ground; it's how they keep abreast of current
events. The ground is a giant dog newspaper, containing all kinds of
late-breaking dog news items, which, if they are especially urgent, are often
continued in the next yard." - Dave Barry
5. "Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog." -
Franklin P. Jones
6. "If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise." - Unknown
7. "A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three
times before lying down." - Robert Benchley
8. "No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless
absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation." - Fran
Lebowitz
9. "I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious
cult." - Rita Rudner
10. "My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can.
That's almost $21.00 in dog money." - Joe Weinstein
11. "Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are
wonderful." - Ann Landers
12. "There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face." -
Ben Williams
13. "A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves
himself." - Josh Billings
14. "The average dog is a nicer person than the average person." - Andrew A.
Rooney
15. "Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend; inside of a dog,
it's too dark to read." - Groucho Marx
16. "Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a
grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must
think we're the greatest hunters on earth!" -Anne Tyler
17. "If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have
known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons." - James Thurber
18. "Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and
get used to the idea." - Robert A. Heinlein
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Interesting Ways To Write A
Paper (45)
1. Type
every word in a different font. Alternate really big fonts with really small
fonts.
2.
Support your thesis with quotes from your VCR manual.
3. Write
the entire paper on Post-it notes and turn it in by sticking them all over the
professor's door.
4.
Switch the names of prominent history figures with the names of your friends,
classmates, etc. Claim that your roommate led the Spanish Armada.
5. Write
a paper discussing why Michelangelo got to be a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, but
Van Gogh didn't. Discuss whether Van Gogh would have used nunchakus or katanas.
6. Write
your paper by cutting out words from magazines and sticking them on the page,
ransom-note style.
7. End
the paper with "This paper will self-destruct in 10 seconds."
8.
Perfume the paper with catnip. Explain that it was to keep your dog from eating
it.
9. If
assigned a paper in philosophy class, explain that you can't do the paper
because you're not sure if the class really exists, or if it and the professor
are just illusions created by your subconscious. If you do end up writing the
paper, write about that.
10. If
assigned a 2000-word paper, draw two pictures of what the paper was supposed to
be about. After all, a picture is worth 1000 words, right?
11. Type
gibberish. When you hand it in, claim that your computer crashed while you were
printing it, and you couldn't retrieve the original.
12. Cite
issues of Spiderman and Batman as resources in your bibliography.
13. Turn
the paper in by making paper airplanes out of the pages of the paper and
attempting to fly them onto the professor's desk.
14. The
night before the paper is due, call the professor and explain that you can't
turn your paper in because it contains sensitive military information and is
only available on a "need to know" basis. Insist that General Schwarzkopf says
you should get an "A."
15.
Write your history paper on parchment, using a quill. Say that you were trying
to get the feel for the period.
16. Turn
in a letter your wrote to your cousin. When the teacher confronts you about it,
say that you must have gotten the letter and the paper mixed up. Say that you'll
turn the paper in as soon as you get it back, but your cousin lives in Siberia,
so it may be a little late.
17. When
writing an especially long paper, put a recipe for chocolate cake in the middle
and see if the professor notices.
18. Tell
the professor that you need an extension because one of your primary sources is
an old wise man in Tibet and he won't see you until the next full moon.
19.
Paint a large white stripe down the front of your paper. Say that on the way to
class, your dropped it in the street and it got run over by one of those trucks
that paint lines on the road.
20. Make
a footprint on the back of one of the pages. When questioned by the professor,
act like it's nothing unusual. After all, he did tell you to include footnotes.
21.
Bring candles and incense to class. Before handing in the paper, perform an
elaborate ceremony, entreating the gods to bless the paper and correct all your
typos.
22. Make
a tape of you singing the contents of your paper, opera-style, and hand that in.
23.
Write your psychology paper on possible genetic anomalies that might cause a
person to prefer anchovies.
24. Hand
your paper in a sealed envelope with postmarks from several different countries
on it. Say that you wanted several different perspectives on your work.
25.
TTyyppee eevveerryy lleetttteerr ttwwiiccee..
26. Get a large piece of paper or
canvas. Smear paint all over it and hand it in as your paper. Explain that the
topic was such an emotional one for you, and that mere words couldn't possibly
express what you had to say.
27.
Compare and contrast the characters of James T. Kirk and Jean-Luc Picard. Claim
that one is actually Hamlet, and the other is King Lear. Say that Worf is
Ophelia.
28.
Carve your paper on the bathroom wall.
29.
Refuse to do the paper on account of the fact that you are a member of
Greenpeace and strongly object to the gratuitous slaughter of trees caused by
the massive amount of paper used in writing assignments.
30. Put
nonsense words down as quotes. Say that you are quoting the words of a
well-known Zen master who was speaking in tongues at the time.
31. Use
a forklift to bring your paper to class, even if it's only a few pages. Explain
that it involved some very heavy reading.
32. Poke
several holes in the paper. Say that you were mobbed by crows on the way to
class.
33.
Print all the pages on one sheet of paper, with the text overlapping. Say that
was all the paper you had.
34.
Write about whether Plato would have said that "I can't believe its not butter"
is "light" or that it "tastes great". Also explain why Aristotle would have
taken the opposite view. Try to predict both philosophers' reactions to Spuds
Mackenzie.
35. Draw
pictures of your professor in the margins.
36. Make your paper one long,
never-ending sentence that goes on for pages and pages and pages; use a lot of
semi-colons, commas, and other interesting, rarely-used punctuation marks [(for
example), an interesting one: the colon_] but never ever end the sentence.
37.
Staple a picture of an academic building to the paper. Cite the picture as a
resource.
38. On
the day the paper is due, skip into class, waving the paper and screaming, "I
have a paper! I have a paper!" Run around the class a few times, then joyfully
throw it out the window. Laugh and yell, "There's my paper," then run outside to
get it.
39. Come
to class leading a horse or camel. When asked to turn in the paper, take it out
of one of the saddlebags, then shoot the horse/camel/whatever away. Refuse to
discuss it.
40. Draw
obscure connections between totally unrelated things. For example, claim that
abnormal amounts of neutrino activity in Germany caused Hitler to invade France,
or that the Roman empire collapsed because of a shortage of qualified botanists.
41.
Refer to all prominent historical figures by nicknames. For example, call George
Washington "Georgie". Call Ben Franklin "Sparky".
42.
Pwetend you have a speech impediment and awways type w's whenevew you weawwy
want to type r's ow l's.
43. Ol,
switch alound arr the l's and r's in youl papel, rike Monty Python did in Queen
Erizabeth the Thild.
44. When
your prof asks for an outline of your paper, draw the outline of the piece of
paper you typed it on and hand it in.
45.
Spill milk on your sociology paper. Say that you wrote it in the cafeteria so
that you could see "sociology in action."
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