Old Farmer
This fellow had owned this large farm
for several years. He had a large pond in the back forty, had it fixed up nice,
picnic tables, horse shoe courts, basketball court, etc. The pond was fixed for
swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to
go down to the pond as he hadn't been there for a while and look it over. As he
neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his
pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the
pond.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or get
out of the pond, I only came to feed my alligators!"
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Materialistic Lawyer
A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when
suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the
police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the
damage to his precious BMW. "Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeeemer!"
he whined.
"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!" retorted the officer.
"You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your
left arm was ripped off!"
"Oh my," replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where
his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex?!?"
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Dog's Tale:
Patrons of a pub mourned the passing of the bar's mutt, Spot. They cut off
his tail and framed it as a memorial.
Spot was about to enter heaven when St. Peter stopped him. "Heaven's a place of
perfection," said the saint. "You deserve to enter but not without your tail. Go
back and retrieve it."
In the middle of the night Spot scratched on the door of the pub.
"It's the spirit of our dear Spot!" exclaimed the bartender. "What can I do for
you?"
Spot said he needed his tail to enter heaven.
"Oh, sorry," the barkeeper replied, "but my liquor license doesn't allow me to
retail spirits after hours."
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
First Wedding
A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin
asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded.
His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know that?"
"Easy", the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop
said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
10 Times Its Usual Size
Sixth grade science teacher Mrs. Samson asks
her class: "Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times
its usual size when stimulated?"
Nobody raises a hand, so she calls on the first student to look her way.
"Mary, can you tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its
usual size when stimulated?"
Mary stands up, blushing furiously. "How dare you ask such a question?" she
says. "I'm going to complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal,
who will have you fired!"
Mrs. Sampson is shocked by Mary's reaction, but undaunted. She asks the class
the question again, and this time Sam raises his hand.
Yes, Sam?" says Mrs. Sampson. "Ma'am, the correct answer is the iris of the
human eye."
"Very good, Sam. Thank you." Mrs. Sampson then turns to Mary and says, "Mary,
I have 3 things to tell you: first, it's clear that you have NOT done your
homework. Second, you have a DIRTY mind. And third, I fear one day you are going
to be sadly disappointed."
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Advertising Lingo
NEW - Different color from previous design.
ALL NEW - Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.
EXCLUSIVE - Imported product.
UNMATCHED - Almost as good as the competition.
FOOLPROOF OPERATION - No provision for adjustments.
ADVANCED DESIGN - The advertising agency doesn't understand it.
IT'S HERE AT LAST - Rush job. Nobody knew it was coming.
FIELD TESTED - Manufacturer lacks test equipment.
HIGH ACCURACY - Unit on which all parts fit.
FUTURISTIC - No other reason why it looks the way it does.
REDESIGNED - Previous flaws fixed - we hope.
DIRECT SALES ONLY - Factory had a big argument with distributor.
YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - We finally got one to work.
BREAKTHROUGH - We finally figured out a use for it.
MAINTENANCE FREE - Impossible to fix.
MEETS ALL STANDARDS - Ours, not yours.
HIGH RELIABILITY - We made it work long enough to ship it.
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Noisy Neighbors
Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Mann went to study at an English university
and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there.
After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him.
"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.
"Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on that
side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop. The one on the other
side screams and screams all night."
"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English
neighbors?"
"Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing
my bagpipes."
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
FINE:
This
is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about
but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will
cause you to have one of those arguments.
FIVE MINUTES:
This
is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is
going to last before you take out the trash, so I feel that it's an even trade.
NOTHING:
This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used
to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside
down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last
"Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".
GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows):
This
is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will
end with the word "Fine".
GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows):
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You
will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by
"Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she
cools off.
LOUD SIGH:
This is not actually a word,
but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh"
means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting
her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".
SOFT SIGH:
Again,
not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that
some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or
breathe and she will stay content.
THAT'S OKAY:
This
is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's
Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions
for what ever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the
word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead". At some
point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be
in some mighty big trouble.
PLEASE DO:
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you
the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever
it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be
careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".
THANKS:
A
woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say you're welcome.
THANKS A LOT:
This
is much different than "Thanks". A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is
really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous
way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is
wrong after the "Loud Sigh", as she will only tell you "Nothing".
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
You'll Know
Yours Is A Redneck Church If:
1) The finance committee refuses to provide funds
for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play
one.
2) People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the
two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.
3) When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the
offering," five guys and two women stand up.
4) Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church
holiday.
5) A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive
Ford truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."
6) The choir is known as the "OK Chorale."
7) Boone's Farm "Tickle Pink" is the favorite wine for communion.
8) In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names
in the church directory.
9) Baptism is referred to as "branding."
10) There is a special fund raiser for a new church septic tank.
11) Finding and returning lost sheep isn't just a parable.
12) High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.
13) People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.
14) The baptismal font is a #2 galvanized washtub.
15) The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from Billy
Bob's Barbecue.
16) The collection plates are really hub caps from a '56 Chevy.
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Fun Word Puns
A good pun is its own reword.
Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes from
morons?
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
Without geometry, life is pointless.
When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
No Excuse Sunday
To make it possible for everyone to attend church
this Sunday, we are going to have a special "NO EXCUSE SUNDAY."
Cots and hammocks will be placed in the aisles for those who
say, "Sunday is my only day to sleep in."
Eye drops and extra coffee will be provided for those with tired
eyes from watching TV late Saturday night.
There will be a special section with padded recliner chairs for
those who feel that our pews are too hard.
Doctors and nurses will be in attendance for those who plan to
be sick on Sunday.
We will have steel hard hats available for those who say "The
roof would cave in if I ever came to church."
One section will be decorated with trees and grass for those who
like to seek God in nature.
Scorecards and pens will be provided for those who wish to list
the hypocrites present.
Blankets will be furnished for those who say the church is too
cold, and portable fans for those who say it is too hot.
And finally, the sanctuary will be decorated with both Christmas
wreaths and Easter lilies for those who have never seen the church without them.
See you on Sunday... No Excuse!
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Fat Theology
And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green
and yellow vegetable of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy
lives.
And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent
double-cheeseburger.
And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?"
And Man said, "Super size them." And Man gained pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that
man found so fair.
And Satan brought forth chocolate. And woman gained pounds.
And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."
And Satan brought forth ice cream. And woman gained pounds.
And God said, "I have sent your heart healthy vegetables and olive oil with
which to cook them."
And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter.
And Man gained pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.
And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra
pounds.
And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to
toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2.
And Man gained pounds.
And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil."
And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and
brimming with nutrition.
And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into
chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also.
And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in
cholesterol.
And Satan saw and said, "It is good."
And Man went into cardiac arrest.
And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
And Satan created HMOs.
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Below are some hilarious
interpretations of doctors around the world:
"This should be taken care of right away."
-- I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and
profitable that I want to fix it before it curse itself.
"Welllllll, what have we here..." -- Since he hasn't the foggiest
notion of what it is, the Doctor is hoping you will give him a clue.
"We'll see." -- First I have to check my malpractice insurance.
"Let me check your medical history." -- I want to see if you've paid
your last bill before spending any more time with you.
"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week." -- I need
the money, so I'm charging you for another office visit.
"I really can't recommend seeing a chiropractor." -- I hate those
guys mooching in on our fees.
"Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm." -- Since he hasn't the faintest idea of
what to do, he is trying to appear thoughtful while hoping the nurse will
interrupt. (Proctologist also say this a lot.)
"We have some good news and some bad news." -- The good news is he's
going to buy that new BMW, and the bad news is you're going to pay for it.
"Let's see how it develops." -- Maybe in a few days it will grow
into something that can be cured.
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
New Mother's Dictionary
AMNESIA: A condition
that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.
BOTTLE: A device which
allows Daddy to get up at 3 am to do the feeding.
DEFENSE: What you'd
better have around de yard if you're going to let de kids play outside.
DROOLING: How teething
babies wash their chins.
DUMBWAITER: One who asks
if the kids would care to order dessert.
FAMILY PLANNING: The
science of scheduling dance lessons, music lessons, soccer practice, recitals,
parties, doctor visits, PTA meetings, visits to friends, and 45 other things and
making time to drive to all of them.
FEEDBACK: What you get
when when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained spinach.
FULL NAME: What you call
a child when you're mad at him.
GRANDPARENTS: The people
who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not
raising them right.
HEARSAY: What toddlers
do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
IMPREGNABLE: A woman
whose memory of labor is still vivid.
INDEPENDENT: How we want
our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
LOOK OUT: What it's too
late for a child to do by the time you yell it.
PUDDLE: A small body of
water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
SHOWOFF: A child who is
more talented than yours.
STERILIZE: What you do
to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by
blowing on it.
STOREROOM: The distance
required between supermarket shelves so that children in shopping carts can't
quite reach anything.
TEMPER TANTRUMS: What
you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.
TOP BUNK: Where you
should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
VERBAL: Able to whine in
complete words and repeat what they shouldn't.
WHOOPS: An exclamation
that translates roughly into "Get a mop."
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Slackers
A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss
is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities,
the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he
thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business! The CEO walks up
the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"
Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $200.00 a week.
Why?"
The CEO then hands the guy $200 in cash and screams, "Here's a week's pay,
now GET OUT and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and
asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?"
With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "He's the pizza
delivery guy."
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Definitions of Things:
Cigarette:
A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool on the other.
Divorce:
Future tense of a bad marriage.
Lecture:
An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes
of the students without passing through "the minds of either"
Conference:
The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
Compromise:
The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the
biggest piece.
Tears:
The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water
power...
Dictionary:
A place where success comes before work.
Conference
Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody
disagrees later on.
Classic:
A book which people praise, but do not read.
Smile: A
curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Office:
A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Yawn:
The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
Etc.: A
sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Committee:
Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can
be done together.
Experience:
The name men give to their mistakes.
Atom Bomb:
An invention to end all inventions.
Philosopher:
A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
Diplomat:
A person who tells you where you can go in such a way that you actually look
forward to the trip.
Opportunist:
A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.
Optimist:
A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says in midway "See I am not
injured yet."
Miser: A
person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
Father:
A banker provided by nature.
Criminal:
A guy no different from the rest....except that he got caught.
Boss:
Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Politician:
One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.
Doctor:
A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Falling For
What Happens
When You Fall For...
~ A chef? - You get buttered up.
~ A chauffeur? - You get taken for a ride.
~ A gambler? - He cheats on you.
~ A telephone operator? - He gives you a phone-y line.
~ A trashman? - He dumps you.
~ A clockmaker? - He two-times you.
~ A pastry cook? - He desserts you.
~ A shoe salesman? - He walks all over you.
~ An elevator operator? - He lets you down.
~ An artist? - He gives you the brush.
~ A jogger? - He gives you the run-around.
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Train Riding
This is a transcript between a commuter and the railroad company, regarding services of the latter.
"Gentlemen: I have been riding trains daily for the last twenty-two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting
worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse
that that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago. - Yours truly, A Commuter"
The Reply to the above:
"Dear Sir: We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in
your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot. - Sincerely, Western Railways"
And the Counter-Reply was:
"Gentlemen: I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the
Bible, Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass... That, gentlemen, is something I have not
been able to do on your train in the last twenty-two years!
Yours truly, A Commuter" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Housekeeping Simplified
1. Vacuuming too often weakens the carpet fibers. Say this with a serious
face, and shudder delicately whenever anyone mentions Carpet Fresh.
2. Dust bunnies cannot evolve into dust rhinos when disturbed. Rename the
area under the couch "The Galapagos Islands" and claim an ecological exemption.
3. Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter
against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 5 and
leave it alone.
4. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduces the glare from the bulb,
thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your spouse points out that the light
fixtures need dusting, simply look affronted and exclaim, "What? And spoil the
mood?"
5. In a pinch, you can always claim that the haphazard tower of unread
magazines and newspapers next to your chair provides the valuable Feng Shui
aspect of a tiger, thereby reducing your vulnerability. Roll your eyes when you
say this.
6. Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming
you are collecting it there to use for stuffing hand sewn play animals for
underprivileged children.
7. If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room
and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the
door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I'd love you to see our Den, but
Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive."
8. If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the
coffee table and insist that "THIS is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her
ashes..."
9. Don't bother repainting. Simply scribble lightly over a dirty wall with an
assortment of crayons, and try to muster a glint of tears as you say, "Junior
did this the week before that unspeakable accident... I haven't had the heart to
clean it..."
10. Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of
water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in
conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself onto the couch,
and sigh, "I clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere..."
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
A blonde game of intelligence
There was a blonde who found herself sitting
next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting
her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1
odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she
owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The
lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.
The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the
nearest star?"
Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What
goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"
Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything
he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls
trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid
the blonde $50.00
The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer
insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"
Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Perks Over 40
~ The Perks of Being Over 40 ~
1. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
2. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them
either.
3. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather
service.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your
stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator
music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your investment in health
insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
18. You can't remember who sent you
this list.
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Terrified Of The Computer
Are you
terrified of your computer? Do you feel out of place and overwhelmed when your
friends or coworkers start spouting reams of technical jargon that you will
never understand? Then this dictionary is for you and will help you to get over
your fear of technical terminology.
State-of-the-art
- Any computer you can't afford.
Obsolete
-
Any computer you own.
Nanosecond
- The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.
Syntax Error
- Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object.
GUI
(pronounced gooey)
- What your computer
becomes after spilling your coffee on it.
Keyboard
-
The standard way to generate computer errors.
Mouse - An
advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.
Trackball -
Another advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.
Floppy
-
The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.
Hard Drive
- The sales technique employed by computer salesmen.
Laptop Computer
- A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on
business trips.
Disk Crash
- A typical computer response to any critical deadline.
Power User
- Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.
System Update
- A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Pay Raise
One morning, a company CEO read an unusual letter from one
of his employees:
Dear Bo
$$,
A$
all of u$
have read in the new$paper$,
the U$
economy ha$
come out of the rece$$ion.
In thi$
life, we all need $ome
thing mo$t de$perately.
I think you $hould
be under$tanding of
the need$
of u$
worker$
who have given $o
much $upport
including $weat and
$ervice to your company.
I am $ure you will
gue$$
what I mean and re$pond
$oon.
Your$
$incerely,
Norman $ol
The next day, the employee received this reply:
Dear
NOrman,
I kNOw you have been
working very hard. NOwadays,
NOthing much has changed.
You must have NOticed
that our company is NOt
doing NOticeably
well as of yet.
NOw the newspapers
are saying the world's leading ecoNOmists
are NOt sure if the
United States may go into aNOther
recession. After the NOvember
presidential elections things may turn bad.
I have NOthing more
to add NOw. You kNOw
what I mean.
Yours truly,
Manager
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
My Own Grandpa
Many many years ago
when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow
who was pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter
who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
and soon the two were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.
Father's wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mother
And it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She is my grandma too.
If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.
For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa.
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