Just A
Few More Ways You Can Tell If You Might Be a REDNECK!
Your kid has a gun rack on his Power Wheel.
The dog catcher calls for backup when he visits your house.
You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
You have a house that has wheels and four cars that don't.
You have a set of twelve matching salad bowls, and they all say "Cool Whip" on
the side.
Your secret family recipe is illegal.
Your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.
The number of times you've seen either Elvis or a UFO exceeds your IQ.
You list your parole officer as a reference.
People are always stopping at your house thinking you're having a yard sale.
Your wife used to be your mother-in-law.
Going to the bathroom at night involves boots and a lantern.
Your wife keeps a couple shotgun shells tucked in her bra for emergencies.
You think the last four words of the National Anthem are "Gentlemen, start your
engines!"
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
A very traditional elderly woman was enjoying a good game of bridge with her
girlfriends one evening. "Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my
husband! He's going to really ticked if it's not ready on time!" she exclaimed
suddenly.
When she got home, she realized that she didn't have enough time to go to the
supermarket, and all she had in the cupboard was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg,
and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in
the egg, and garnished it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband pulled up.
She greeted her husband and then watched in horror as he sat down to his
dinner. To her surprise, the husband really enjoyed his dinner. "Darling, this
is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make
this for me any old day."
Needless to say, every bridge night from then on, the woman made her husband
the same dish. She told her bridge cronies about it and they were all horrified.
"You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed.
Two months later, her husband died.
The women were sitting around the table playing bridge when one of the
cronies said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every
week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge
knowing you murdered your husband?"
The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel while
he was cleaning his tail."
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Racing Talk
Some race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his
track record. "In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!"
Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 19!!"
"Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28!", says another,
flicking his tail.
At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there
listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in my last 90
races, I've won 88 of them!"
The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A
talking dog."
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Home On Time
A man left from work one Friday afternoon. But
instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys
and spending his entire paycheck.
When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by his very
angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade of his actions.
Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. "How would you
like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
To which he replied: "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and
went with the same results. Finally on Thursday, the swelling went down just
enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Forgive Your Enemies
The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your Enemies" as
his subject. After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive
their enemies. About half held up their hands. Not satisfied he harangued for
another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This time he received a
response of eighty percent.
Still unsatisfied, he lectured for fifteen minutes and repeated his question.
With all thoughts now on Sunday dinner, all responded except one elderly lady in
the rear. "Ms. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?' "I don't
have any." "Ms. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you? "Ninety-three."
"Ms. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person can
live to ninety-three and not have an enemy in the world."
The little sweetheart of a lady teetered down the aisle, very slowly turned
around & said: "It's easy. I just outlived them all."
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Good Ole Mid-Life
I've seen two shows lately that
went on and on about how mid-life is a great time for women. Just last week
Oprah had a whole show on how great menopause will be....
Puhleeeeeeeze!
I've had a few thoughts of my own and would like to share them with you. Whether
you are pushing 40, 50, 60 (or maybe even just pushing your luck) you'll
probably relate.
Mid-life is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty
of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.
In mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wingspans. We are no longer
women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels
in drag.
Mid-life is when you can stand naked in front of a mirror and you can see your
rear without turning around.
Mid-life is when you go for a mammogram and you realize that this is the only
time someone will ask you to appear topless.
Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and
scream, "Listen honey, even the Roman empire fell and those will too."
Mid-life brings wisdom to know that life throws us curves and we're sitting on
our biggest ones.
Mid-life is when you look at your-know-it-all, beeper-wearing teenager and
think: "For this I have stretch marks?"
In mid-life your memory starts to go. In fact the only thing we can retain is
water.
Mid-life means that your Body By Jake now includes
Legs By Rand McNally -- more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of
Wisconsin.
Mid-life means that you become more reflective... You start pondering the "big"
questions. What is life? Why am I here? How much Healthy Choice ice cream can I
eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?
But mid-life also brings with it an appreciation for what is important.
We realize that breasts sag, hips expand and chins
double, but our loved ones make the journey worthwhile. Would any of you trade
the knowledge that you have now for the body you had way back when?
Maybe our bodies simply have to expand to hold all the wisdom and love we've
acquired.
That's my philosophy and I'm sticking to it!
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Jesus In Kentucky
An Irishman with a bad leg hobbled into a
restaurant one afternoon. He painfully sat down at a booth and asked the
waitress for a cup of coffee. The Irishman looked across the restaurant and
asked, "Is that Jesus over there?" The waitress nodded so the Irishman told her
to give Jesus a cup of coffee too.
The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He shuffled
over to a booth and asked the waitress for a glass of hot tea. He also glanced
across the restaurant and asked "Is that Jesus over there?". The waitress nodded
so the Englishman said to give Jesus a cup of hot tea too.
The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Hillbilly from Kentucky. He
swaggered over to a booth, sat down and hollered "Hey there sweet thing, hows
about getting me a cold glass of Coke!". He too looked across the restaurant and
asked "Is that God's boy over there?". The waitress nodded so the Hillbilly said
to give Jesus a cold glass of Coke too.
As Jesus got up to leave He passed by the Irishman and touched him and said "For
your kindness, you are healed." The Irishman felt the strength come back into
his leg and got up and danced a jig out the door. Jesus also passed by the
Englishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The
English man felt his back straightening up and he raised up his hands, praised
the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door.
Then Jesus walked towards the Hillbilly. The Hillbilly jumps up and yells, "Hey
man don't touch me ...... I'm drawing disability!"
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Dictionary Of Evaluation Comments
Written for the every day worker, so he or she will be better able to
translate those glowing employee work performance evaluations their supervisors
keep cranking out.
------------------------------------------
AVERAGE: Not too bright.
EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED: Has committed no major blunders to date.
ACTIVE SOCIALLY: Drinks heavily.
ZEALOUS ATTITUDE: Opinionated.
CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH: Still one step ahead of the law.
UNLIMITED POTENTIAL: Will stick with us until retirement or until let go.
QUICK THINKING: Offers plausible excuses for errors.
TAKES PRIDE IN WORK: Conceited.
TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPORTUNITY TO PROGRESS: Buys drinks for superiors.
INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION: Knows more than superiors.
STERN DISCIPLINARIAN: A real jerk.
TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS: Knows when to keep mouth shut.
APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC: Finds someone else to do the job.
A KEEN ANALYST: Thoroughly confused.
NOT A DESK PERSON: Did not go to college.
EXPRESSES SELF WELL: Can string two sentences together.
SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB: Miserable home life.
CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL: Scared.
METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL: A nitpicker.
DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP: Has a loud voice.
JUDGMENT IS USUALLY SOUND: Lucky.
MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE: A snob.
KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR: Knows lots of jokes.
STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES: Stubborn.
GETS ALONG WELL WITH SUPERIORS AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE: A coward.
SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE: Stupid.
OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION: Turns in work on time.
IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL: Wanted by no-one else.
ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS: An office gossip.
REQUIRES WORK-VALUE ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT: Lazy and hard-headed.
HARD WORKER: Usually does it the hard way.
ENJOYS JOB: Needs more to do.
HAPPY: Paid too much.
WELL ORGANIZED: Does too much busywork.
COMPETENT: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.
CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN: Pain in the butt.
WILL GO FAR: Relative of management.
SHOULD GO FAR: Please.
USES TIME EFFECTIVELY: Clock watcher.
VERY CREATIVE: Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.
USES RESOURCES WELL: Delegates everything.
DESERVES PROMOTION: Create new title to make him/her feel appreciated.
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
710 Cap
The other day I was in the Auto Zone part store. A lady comes in and asks for
a seven ten cap.
We all looked at each other and said, "What's a seven ten cap?"
She said "You know, it's right on the engine. Mine got lost somehow and I need
a new one."
"What does it do?"
She said, "I don't know, but its always been there."
The clerk gave her a note pad and asked her if she could draw a picture. So she
makes a circle about 3 inches in diameter and in the center she writes 
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Historical Meeting
Two men who had not seen each other for a long time met by chance one evening
in an all-night diner. They became so engrossed in talking about old times that,
before they realized it, the time was three-thirty in the morning. Both
expressed concern that their wives would be upset when they arrived home at such
a late hour.
Several days later, the men again happened to meet. "What happened when you
got home so late the other night?" one asked the other. "Everything was O.K.,"
he replied. "I simply told my wife about how we had met and talked about old
times and she understood perfectly. By the way, what happened when you arrived
home?"
The second man replied, "When I walked in at four in the morning my wife
became historical." "You mean hysterical," said the first man. "No," said the
other, "I mean historical. My wife spent the next hour bringing up everything
that happened in the twenty-five years of our marriage."
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Quick Weird Facts
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
A crocodile can't stick its tongue out.
A shrimp's heart is in its head.
In a study of 200,000 ostriches over a period of 80 years, no one reported a
single case where an ostrich buried its head in the sand.
It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.
A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone
call.
Horses can't vomit.
The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue
twister in the English language.
If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze,
you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die.
If you keep your eyes open by force,
they can pop out.
Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over a million
descendants.
Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by
700 times.
If the government has no knowledge of aliens, then why does Title 14, Section
1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations, implemented on July 16, 1969, make it
illegal for U.S. citizens to have any contact with extraterrestrials or their
vehicles?
In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
23% of all photocopier faults worldwide are caused by people sitting on them and
photocopying their butts.
Most lipstick contains fish scales.
Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.
Over 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow.
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Clowning About
A lady is giving a party for her granddaughter, and has gone all out. She had
a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party starts, two bums show
up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman tells them that
they can get a meal if they will chop some wood out back.
Gratefully, they head to the rear of the house. Guests arrive, and all is
going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown has not
shown up, and finally, the clown calls to report that he is stuck in traffic,
and will probably not make the party at all. The woman is very disappointed and
unsuccessfully tries to entertain the children herself. She happens to look out
the window and sees one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She
watches in awe as he swings from tree branches, does midair flips, and leaps
high in the air.
She speaks to the other bum and says, "What your friend is doing is
absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend
would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would
pay him $50!"
The bum replies, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him. HEY WILLIE! FOR $50, WOULD
YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Things Never Said By Rednecks
I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
Duct tape won't fix that.
Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
We don't keep firearms in this house.
Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
You can't feed that to the dog.
No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
Wrasslin's fake.
Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
We're vegetarians.
Do you think my gut is too big?
I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
Honey, we don't need another dog.
Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
Spittin is such a nasty habit.
I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today.
Trim the fat off that steak.
Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
The tires on that truck are too big.
I've got it all on the C drive.
Unsweetened tea tastes better.
Would you like your salmon poached or broiled?
My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
Checkmate.
She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
I don't have a favorite college team.
Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin tonight.
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
You Might Be A College Student,
IF
- you bring home a doggie bag from Taco Bell.
- a peanut butter and jelly burrito is considered a valid, nutritious breakfast.
- you're always there if the words "free food" are mentioned.
- hitchhiking across America sounds like an "educational experience" (or at
least that's what you tell your parents).
- a "rich date" is someone who takes you to the real movies, not just the free
ones shown on campus.
- you drag clothes out of your hamper to wear (on a regular basis).
- you rewrite all the clichés and songs you know, because you discover that they
fit your dorm room life (or lack thereof).
- you can think of at least 4 different ways to wear your underwear to avoid
having to do laundry.
- you think you're rich if you've got a positive checking balance.
- other people drive your car more than you do.
- you can fall asleep ANY time, ANY where.
- you have week-old pizza in your refrigerator, and you contemplate eating it.
- you'd rather eat off a piece of paper than wash your dirty dishes.
- you have a pile of dirty clothes, a pile of once-used but not quite dirty
clothes, and a pile of clothes used more than once, but that you could use a
couple more times without smelling too bad.......
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Pit Bull
A woman was leaving at 7-11 with her morning coffee when she noticed a most
unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse
was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull dog on a leash.
Behind her were 200 women walking single file. The woman couldn't stand the
curiosity.
She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry
for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen
a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
The woman replied, "Well that first hearse is for my husband." "What happened to
him?" The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."
She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?" The woman answered,
"My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on
her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two women.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line."
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Chicken Farmer
A city slicker bought some land in the country and decided he
was going to take up chicken farming. He headed out to the local poultry dealer
and said, "I'm taking up farming. Give me 100 baby chickens." The salesman
crated up the chickens for him and he went on his way.
The next week the new farmer showed up at the poultry dealer
again and said, "Give me 200 baby chickens." He took his chickens and headed
back to the farm.
Again, a week later he was back for more. This time he said,
"Hmm, give me 300 baby chickens."
"A good supply," the salesman commented. "You must be doing
really well!"
"Nah, doing terrible," said the man with a sigh. "I can't figure
out if I'm planting them too deep or too far apart!"
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Acts 2:38
An elderly woman had just
returned to her home from an evening worship service and was startled to find an
intruder in her house.
Catching the man in the act of burglarizing her home, she yelled, "STOP! Acts
2:38!" ("Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ
so that your sins may be forgiven.")
As the burglar stopped dead in his tracks, the woman calmly called the police
and explained what she had done. Shortly, several officers arrived and took the
man into custody.
As he was placing the handcuffs on the burglar, one of the officers asked, "Why
did you just stand there? All the lady did was mention a scripture verse."
"Scripture?" replied the burglar.
"She said she had an axe and two 38's!"
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Door To Door
Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a
woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that
she did not want to hear their message and slammed the door in their faces. To
her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open.
She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with
the same result-the door bounced back open.
Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she
reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them
said, "Ma'am, before you do that again, you need to move your cat."
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Car Extras
This man in a Ford Granada pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop
sign. Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls: "Hey, you got
a telephone in there?"
The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do."
"I got one too...see?"
"Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."
Then the man in the Granada says, "You got a fax machine?"
"Why, actually, yes, I do."
"I do too! See? It's right here!"
"Uh-huh."
The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Granada says, "So,
do YOU have a double bed in back there?"
And the guy in the Rolls says, "NO! Do you?" "Yep, got my double bed right in
back here, see?!" The light turns and the man in the Granada takes off.
Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he goes
immediately to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of
his car. About two weeks later, the job is finally done and he picks up his car
and drives all over town looking for the Granada. He finally finds it parked
alongside the road so he pulls his Rolls up next to it. The windows on the
Granada are all fogged up and he feels a little awkward about it, but he gets
out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Granada. The
man in the Granada finally opens the window a crack and peeks out.
The guy in the Rolls says, "Hey. Remember me?"
"Yeah, yeah, I remember you. What's up?"
"Check this out! I got a double bed installed in my Rolls."
And the man in the Granada says, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME
THAT?!" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Signs Your A Bad Cook
You use the smoke alarm
as a cooking timer.
You consider it a
culinary success if the pop-tart stays in one piece.
Your dog goes to the
neighbors' to eat.
Your family buys Rolaids
and Kaopectate in bulk.
When you barbecue, two
of your kids hold water guns and the third stands ready by the phone with 911 on
speed-dial.
Your family
automatically heads for the dinner table every time they hear a fire truck
siren.
The EPA insists that all
your garbage cans be marked with biohazard symbols.
Your microwave display
reads "TILT!"
Your two best recipes
are meatloaf and apple pie, but your dinner guests can't tell which is which.
Your pie filling bubbles
over and eats the enamel off the bottom of the oven.
You've used three boxes
of scouring pads and a bottle of Drano and a crowbar, and that macaroni and
cheese still won't let go of the pan.
Pest control companies
keep pestering you for your recipes.
You make tuna noodle
surprise and the surprise is that it glows in the dark and melts the silverware.
Your kids know exactly
what 'peas porridge in a pot nine days old' tastes like.
Your family prays AFTER
they eat! (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Nerdz
This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for
dinner. As he approaches the cafe, he sees a big sign on the door saying 'Nerds
Not Allowed -- Enter At Your Own Risk!' He goes in and sits down. The waitress
comes over to him.
"You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?"
"I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I'm hauling."
"Okay, truck drivers are not nerds," she says and proceeds to serve him. As
he is eating his dinner, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a
pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a
foot too long. The waitress, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and
blows the guy away. The truck driver is totally shocked.
"Why did you do that?"
"Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season
now. You don't even need a license." The truck driver finishes his dinner, gets
back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid
an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill
out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming,
grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants, and programmers
wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole
load. So, remembering what happened in the cafe, he pulls out his gun and starts
blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes
zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.
"What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season," says the truck driver.
"Well, sure," says the patrolman. "But you can't bait 'em." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
How to tell if you're in
Wisconsin
- Your
idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.
-
"Vacation" means going to Crivitz for the weekend.
- You
measure distance in hours.
- You
know several people who have hit deer more than once.
- You
often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again!
- You
use a down comforter in the summer -- and gloves.
- You
drive at 65 mph through 13 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without
flinching.
- You
see people wearing hunting clothes at social events.
- You
install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
- You
think of the major food groups as deer meat, beer, fish, and berries.
- You
carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them.
- There
are 7 empty cars running in the parking lot at the Fleet Farm at any given
time.
- You
design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
-
Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
- You
think sexy lingerie is tube socks and flannel pajamas.
- You
know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction.
- It
takes you 3 hours to go to the store for one item even when you're in a rush
because you have to stop and talk to everyone in town.
- You
buy your Christmas presents at Fleet Farm.
-
You've never met any celebrities.
- Your
idea of a traffic jam is 10 cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.
- You
can gauge the depth of your relationship by the number of fingers your friends
use to wave to you as you pass by on the road.
-
"Vacation" means playing miniature golf at the Dells.
-
You've seen all the biggest bands 10 years after they were popular.
- The
corner bar is decorated with neon Pabst signs instead of hanging ferns.
- Your
school classes were canceled because of cold.
- Your
school classes were canceled because of heat.
-
You've ridden the school bus for an hour each way.
- You
think ethanol makes your truck "run a lot better."
- You
know what's knee-high by the Fourth of July.
-
Stores don't have bags; they have sacks.
- You
ask for a "bubbler" when you're thirsty.
- You
"borrow" your neighbor your snowblower and hope he returns it before the next
storm. (And you don't know why there are quotation marks around the word
"borrow" in that sentence.)
- You
see people wear bib overalls at funerals.
- A
clean bowling shirt is appropriate attire for a wedding.
- You
see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in it, no matter
what time of the year.
- You
end your sentences with an unnecessary preposition. (Example: "Where's my coat
at?" or "If you go to town, I wanna go with.")
- All
the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain or
animal.
- You
think of the major four food groups as cheese, beer, brats and Jell-O salad
with marshmallows.
- You
know what "cow tipping" and "snipe hunting" are.
- You
own just three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup.
- You
design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
-
Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
- You
think everyone from a bigger city has an accent.
- The
local paper covers national and international headlines on one page, but
requires six pages for sports.
- You
think that opening day of deer season is a national holiday.
- You
know which leaves make good toilet paper.
- You
find -20 degrees F "a little chilly."
- You
know that, no matter what, the Bears still suck.
- You
actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Wisconsin friends.
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Alligator Challenge
Once, there was a
millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in the back
of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single.
One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My
dear guests . . . I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one
million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of
alligators and emerge alive!"
As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash!!
There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could and screaming out of
fear. The crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking as though he was running for
his life. Finally, he made it to the other side with only a torn shirt and some
minor injuries. The millionaire was impressed.
He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be
done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one
million dollars?"
The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money, nor do I want your daughter! I
want the person who pushed me in that water!" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
People are like Potatoes
Some
people are very bossy and like to tell others what to do, but don't want to soil
their own hands. They are called "Dick Tators."
Some people never seem motivated to participate, but are just content to watch
while others do the work. They are called "Speck Tators."
Some people never do anything to help, but are gifted at finding fault with the
way others do the work. They are called "Comment Tators."
Some people are always looking to cause problems by asking others to agree with
them. It is too hot or too cold, too sour or too sweet. They are called "Agie
Tators."
There are those who say they will help, but somehow just never get around to
actually doing the promised help. They are called "Hezzie Tators."
Some people can put up a front and pretend to be someone they are not. They are
called "Emma Tators."
Then there are those who love and do what they say they will. They are always
prepared to stop whatever they are doing and lend a helping hand. They bring
real sunshine into the lives of others. They are called "Sweet Tators."
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Floods
One night,
a torrential rain soaked
South Louisiana;
the next morning the resulting floodwaters came up about 6 feet into most of the
homes there.
Mrs.
Boudreaux was sitting on her roof with her neighbor, Mrs. Thibodaux, waiting for
help to come.
Mrs.
Thibodaux noticed a lone baseball cap floating near the house. Then she saw it
float far out into the front yard, then float all the way back to the house; it
kept floating away from the house, then back in.
Her
curiosity got the best of her, so she asked Mrs. Boudreaux, "Do you see that
baseball cap floating away from the house, then back again?"
Mrs.
Boudreaux said, "Oh yes, that's my husband; I told him he was going to cut the
grass today come Hell or high water!"
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
