The Previously Solved Problem
An engineer, a mathematician, and a physicist are staying in three adjoining
cabins at a decrepit old motel.
First the engineer's coffee maker catches fire on the bathroom vanity. He smells
the smoke, wakes up, unplugs it, throws it out the window, and goes back to
sleep.
Later that night the physicist smells smoke too. He wakes up and sees that a
cigarette butt has set the trash can on fire. He says to himself, "Hmm. How does
one put out a fire? One can reduce the temperature of the fuel below the flash
point, isolate the burning material from oxygen, or both. This could be
accomplished by applying water." So he picks up the trash can, puts it in the
shower stall, turns on the water, and, when the fire is out, goes back to sleep.
The mathematician, of course, has been watching all this out the window. So
later, when he finds that his pipe ashes have set the bedsheet on fire, he is
not in the least taken aback. He immediately sees that the problem reduces to
one that has already been solved and goes back to sleep. (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
An Engineer, a
Physicist, and a Mathematician
An engineer, physicist, and mathematician are all challenged with a problem:
to fry an egg when there is a fire in the house. The engineer just grabs a huge
bucket of water, runs over to the fire, and puts it out. The physicist thinks
for a long while, and then measures a precise amount of water into a container.
He takes it over to the fire, pours it on, and with the last drop the fire goes
out. The mathematician pores over pencil and paper. After a few minutes he goes
"Aha! A solution exists!" and goes back to frying the egg.
Sequel: This time they are asked simply to fry an egg (no fire). The engineer
just does it, kludging along; the physicist calculates carefully and produces a
carefully cooked egg; and the mathematician lights a fire in the corner, and
says "I have reduced it to the previous problem." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
New Pet:
There was this guy who was lonely, and decided life would be more fun if he
had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy
an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, which came
in a little white box to use for its house.
He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he
would start off by taking his new pet to a restaurant to have dinner.
He asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's and have
dinner?" but there was no answer from his new pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes, then asked him again,
"How about going to the restaurant and have dinner with me?" Again, there was no
answer from his new pet.
He waited a few minutes more, then decided to ask him one more time; this
time he put his face up against the centipede's house and shouted, "HEY, IN
THERE! WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO TO FRANK'S PLACE AND HAVE DINNER WITH ME?"
A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time! I'm putting
on my shoes”. (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
New Driver
Martin had just received his brand new driver's license. The family troops
out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a
ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly
behind the newly minted driver.
"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months
of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the
beaming boy to his father.
"Nope," comes dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat
as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Problems
The husband says to his wife, "You always carry my photo in your handbag to
the office. Why?"
She says, "When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your
picture and the problem disappears."
He smirks and replies, "You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?"
She calmly replies, "Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, 'What other
problem can there be greater than this one?'" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Taking it with you:
There was a man who had worked all of his life, and had saved all of his
money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than
just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen.
When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me,
because I want to take all my money to the afterlife with me."
And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he
died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there
in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the
ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife
said, "Wait just a minute!"
She had a box with her. She came over with the box and put it in the casket.
Then, the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.
So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that
money in there with your husband."
She said, "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised
him that I was gonna put all that money in that casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you put all that money in the casket with him!!!!?"
"I sure did," said the widow. I wrote him a check." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Quick Parable or Quick Thinking:
One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his
axe fell into the river. When he began crying, God appeared and asked him, "Why
are you crying?"
The woodcutter told Him that his axe has fallen into water.
God went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. " Is this your
axe?", God asked. The woodcutter said "No".
God again went down and came up with a silver axe." "Is this your axe?", God
asked. The wood cutter said "No".
God went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?" God
asked. The wood cutter said "Yes".
God was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all the three axes. The
woodcutter went home happily.
One day while he was walking with his wife along the river, his wife fell
into the river. When he began crying, God appeared and asked him, "Why are you
crying?"
"My wife has fallen into water."
God went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez. "Is this your
wife?", God asked. "Yes", he said.
God was furious. "You cheat! I will curse you......", God scolded.
He quickly said, "Forgive me My Lord. It is an misunderstanding. If I say
"No" to Jennifer Lopez, you will come up with Catherine Zeta Jones. If I also
say “No" to her, you will finally come up with my wife and I will say "Yes".
Then you will give all the three to me. I am a poor man. I will not be able to
look after all the three. So that's why I've to say "Yes”. (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
15 Kids Named Leroy
A lady walks into the welfare office, trailed by 15 kids...
"WOW," the social worker exclaims, "Are they ALL YOURS???"
"Yes, they're all mine," the tired momma sighs, having heard that question a
thousand times before.
"Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up. I'll need
all their names."
"This one is my oldest--he's Leroy."
"OK, and who's next?"
"Well, this one's Leroy, also." The social worker raises an eyebrow but
continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy. Then
she is introduced to the eldest girl, also named Leroy!
"All right...I'm seeing a pattern here...Are they ALL named Leroy?"
"Well, yes--it's actually really convenient. When it's time for dinner, I
just yell 'Leroy!' and they all come running. And if I need to stop the kid
who's running into the street, I just yell 'Leroy' and the kid, whoever he is,
stops in his tracks. It's the smartest idea ever had, naming them all Leroy."
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and
says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole
bunch?"
"Ah, that's easy," said the mother "Then I call them by their last names.” (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Good Memory
An big Elephant is drinking out of a river when he spots a turtle asleep on a
log. The elephant ambles over and kicks the unsuspecting turtle clear across the
river.
"Why did you do that?" asks a passing giraffe.
"Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk
47 years ago."
"Wow, what a memory!" says the giraffe.
"Yes," says the elephant. "Turtle recall." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Road Signs
A priest and a pastor from the local parishes are standing by the side of the
road holding up a sign that reads, Quote: The End is Near! Turn yourself around
now before it's too late!
"Leave us alone you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by.
From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big crash.
"Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign
that says, 'BRIDGE OUT' instead?" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Fitting Purchase
A woman was waiting in the check-out line at a shopping center. Her arms were
laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies. By her actions and deep
sighs, it was obvious she was in an extreme hurry and was not happy about the
slowness of the line.
When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman
remarked indignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before
Christmas!"
"Don't worry, ma'am," replied the clerk. "With that wind kicking up out there
and that brand new broom you have there, you'll be home in no time. (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Best Of The Worst Country Songs
1. Drop Kick Me Jesus Through The Goal
Posts of Life
2. How Come Your Dog Don't Bite Nobody
But Me
3. I Aint No Cowboy I Just Found This
Hat
4. I Don' t Know Whether To Kill Myself
Or Go Bowling
5. I Got Tears in my Ears from Lying On
My Back Crying In My Pillow Over You
6. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
7. I May Be Used But Baby I Ain't Used
Up
8. I'm Just A Bug On The Windshield Of
Life
9. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's
Like Having You Here
10. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
11. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You
Goodbye
12. Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
13. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
14. How Can You Believe Me When I Say I Love You When You
Know I've Been A Liar All My Life?
15. I Been Roped And Thrown By Jesus In The Holy Ghost Corral
16. I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me
17. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
18. My Every Day Silver Is Plastic
19. I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart.
20. I Wanna Whip Your Cow
21. I'm Just A Bug On The Windshield Of Life
22. I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Couldn't Spell
Yuck
23. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dawg Fight, Cause I'm Afraid
She'd Win
24. I'd Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal
Lobotomy
25. I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life
26. I'm The Only Hell Mama Ever Raised
27. I've Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart
28. I've Got The Hungries For Your Love And I'm Waiting In
Your Welfare Line
29. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On
You
30. If Love Were Oil, I'd Be A Quart Low
31. If My Nose Were Full of Nickels, I'd Blow It All On You
32. If You Don't Leave Me Alone, I'll Go And Find Someone
Else Who Will
33. If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too?
34. Mama Get The Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
35. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love Jesus
36. My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear
John Was Breaking My Heart
37. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss
Him
38. Oh, I've Got Hair Oil On My Ears And My Glasses Are
Slipping Down, But Baby I Can See Through You
39. Pardon Me, I've Got Someone To Kill
40. She Got The Gold Mine And I Got The Shaft
41. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
42. She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart
43. She's Got Freckles On Her, But She's Pretty
44. Thank God And Greyhound She's Gone
45. They May Put Me In Prison, But They Can't Stop My Face
From Breakin' Out
46. Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart
47. When You Leave Walk Out Backwards, So I'll Think You're
Walking In
48. You Can't Have Your Kate And Edith Too
49. You Can't Roller Skate In A
Buffalo Herd
50. You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat
51. You Were Only A Splinter As I Slid Down The Bannister Of
Life
52. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Blind Dog
A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing eye dog one day.
They come to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of
traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into the thick
of traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as
panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down.
The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the
other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat
pocket which he offers to the dog.
A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his
amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog
with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!"
The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out
where his head is, so I can kick his butt." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Snow Plow
A lady was lost in her car in a bad snow storm. She remembered what her dad
had once told her. If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, wait for a snow plow
and follow it.
Pretty soon a snow plow came by and she started to follow it. She followed
the plow for about 45 minutes. Finally the driver of the snow plow got out and
asked what she was doing.
She explained that her dad had told her that if she ever got stuck in the
snow, to follow a plow.
The driver nodded, and said, "Well I'm through with the Wal-mart lot, now you
can follow me over to the K-mart." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
“Bigger In Texas”
After a bumper cotton crop that brought in a lot of money, a Louisiana farmer
decided to take a trip to Texas to celebrate. Getting off the bus in Fort Worth,
he asked a passing man to recommend a good place to eat and was pointed to a
local men's club.
Reaching the club, the farmer was unaware that the building also contained a
swimming pool, work-out room, and sports facilities. He went straight to the
restaurant and ordered a soda and a steak. When the waitress brought back a mug
of soda that was 12 inches around and a foot tall, the farmer told her, "I just
wanted a soda, not the whole soda factory!"
"Mister," she replied, "this is Texas and everything's bigger in Texas."
Soon she came back with a steak that was so big it hung off the edges of a
huge platter. "Gosh darnit, I just wanted a steak, not the whole cow!" the
farmer complained.
"Well like I told you before, this is Texas, and everything's bigger in
Texas." She said.
The farmer finally finished the huge meal and asked for directions to the
restroom. The waitress told him to go down the hall and take the third door on
the left. He walked down the hall, but absentmindedly turned into the third door
on the right.
Two steps through that door, and he fell into the swimming pool. "Help!
Help!" he screamed. "Don't flush it!" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Teeth
Grandpa and Grandpa were sitting in their porch rockers watching the
beautiful sunset and reminiscing about "the good old days," when Grandma turned
to Grandpa and said, "Honey, do you remember when we first started dating and
you used to just casually reach over and take my hand?"
Grandpa looked over at her, smiled and obligingly took her aged hand in his.
With a wry little smile, Grandma pressed a little farther, "Honey, do you
remember how after we were engaged, you'd sometimes lean over and suddenly kiss
me on the cheek?"
Grandpa leaned slowly toward Grandma and gave her a lingering kiss on her
wrinkled cheek.
Growing bolder still, Grandma said, "Honey, do you remember how, after we
were first married, you'd kind of nibble on my ear?"
Grandpa slowly got up from his rocker and headed into the house. Alarmed,
Grandma said, "Honey, where are you going?"
Grandpa replied, "To get my teeth!" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Different Ways To Say You're Stupid
A few
clowns short of a circus.
A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
Dumber than a box of hair.
A few peas short of a casserole.
Doesn't have all her cornflakes in one box.
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
One taco short of a combination plate.
A few feathers short of a whole duck.
The cheese slid off her cracker.
Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
As smart as bait.
Chimney's clogged.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair.
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
Forgot to pay her brain bill.
Her sewing machine's out of thread.
His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
If she had another brain, it would be lonely.
Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
No grain in the silo.
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
Receiver is off the hook.
Several nuts short of a full pouch.
Skylight leaks a little.
Slinky's kinked.
Surfing in Nebraska.
Too much yardage between the goal posts.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
The lights are on, but nobody's home.
24 cents short of a quarter. (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Border Check
While crossing the US-Mexican border on his bicycle, the man was stopped by a
guard who pointed to two sacks the man had on his shoulders. "What's in the
bags?", asked the guard.
"Sand," said the cyclist.
"Get them off - we'll take a look," said the guard.
The Cyclist did as he was told, emptied the bags, and proving they contained
nothing but sand, reloaded the bags, put them on his shoulders and continued
across the border.
Two weeks later, the same thing happened. Again the guard demanded to see the
two bags, which again contained nothing but sand. This went on every week for
six months, until one day the cyclist with the sand bags failed to appear.
A few days later, the guard happened to meet the cyclist downtown. "Say
friend, you sure had us crazy", said the guard. "We knew you were smuggling
something across the border. I won't say a word - but what is it you were
smuggling?"
"Bicycles!" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Can’t Take It With You
Trying to disprove the saying "You can't take it with you," a stingy old
lawyer, diagnosed with a terminal illness, finally figured out how to take at
least some of his fortune with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to
the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases. He then told her to
take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. When
he passed away, he planned to reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.
Several weeks after the funeral, his wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon
the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash.
"Oh, that old fool!" she exclaimed. "I knew I should have put the money in
the basement." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Cured Of Hiccups
A woman went to her doctor's office. She was seen by one of the new doctors,
but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming and
ran down the hall.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she
explained. He had her sit down and relax in another room.
The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, "What's the matter
with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven
grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard.
"Cured her hiccups though, didn't it?" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Rabbit Miracle
A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the
middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately
the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive
man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out
to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead.
The driver felt so awful, he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw
the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over.
She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed
it."
The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car
trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and
sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit.
Miraculously the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two
humans and hopped down the road. 50 yards away the rabbit stopped, turned
around, waved and hopped down the road, another 50 yards, turned, waved and
hopped another 50 yards.
The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the
woman's spray can!! He ran over to the woman and asked, "What is in your spray
can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"
The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It
said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
We Know Everything -
The Rest are just Details
IN CASE
YOU THOUGHT THAT WE KNEW EVERYTHING AND THE REST WAS JUST DETAILS
1. In the beginning there was nothing, then something went wrong. [Murphy's Law]
2. The empty set contains and is contained within all other sets. [Fibonacci's
Rule]
3. Universe has no plural.
4. Space is nothing.
5. Time is an abstraction.
6. Energy is the opposite of mass.
7. Energy is not effected by gravity.
8. In order for two points to exist, a third point must exist between them.
9. Less than enough is not sufficient, more than enough is not necessary.
10. Enough is a finite quantity.
11. That which has been done is not impossible.
12. Pythagoras trisected an angle.
13. Mathematics is a set of languages providing different ways to describe
reality.
14. Statistical norms are not real integers even when they are whole numbers.
15. A line representing a continuous function contains no discrete elements.
16. A "Field" is a continuous static structure extending to infinity.
17. "Field Lines" are mathematical constructs having no existence.
18. Reality is what it is irrespective of description.
19. Ptolomy was believed because his math was correct and it worked.
20. The "Plane of the Elliptic" is perpendicular to and centered upon the
Barycenter of the Solar System (or any other system).
21. All orbits are planes of ecliptic.
22. The eccentricity of an orbit is proportional to the deviation from the
perpendicular to the path of the center of mass. [Kepler's 4th Law]
23. The Earth does not revolve around the Sun, the Sun and the Earth revolve
around the center of mass.
24. There is no error in the orbit of Mercury.
25. A measured value is the sum of its contributing elements.
26. The specific computed values of the elements do not change the measured sum.
27. The measured gravity of the Sun was the same after Einstein as before.
28. The bending of light observed near a star is thermal reflection, a mirage.
29. Velocity is measured at two different times, not on two different objects.
30. A zero based measurement is required to know the value of measured
variables.
31. The "Aberration of Light" is the same in a column of water as it is in a
column of air.
32. The velocity of light is constant in all media.
33. The aberration of light is a measure of the Earth's absolute velocity.
34. Light is a spherical wave containing no particles.
35. The outside of a wave has more degrees of freedom than the middle, the
inside has fewer.
36. As a wave expands outward from its' source, it expands outward from its'
middle, a red shift.
37. The further away it is, the greater the red shift, coming or going.
38. The energy required to operate a mechanism increases with velocity while the
available energy decreases.
39. There is nothing new here, it's all old stuff. You must get the old stuff
right before you can benefit from the new. D.MURPHY – HCEZJCIA (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Jury
A trial had been scheduled in a small town, but the court clerk had forgotten
to call in a jury panel. Rather than adjourning what he thought was an
exceptionally simple case, the judge ordered his bailiff to go through the
courthouse and round up enough people to form a jury. The bailiff returned with
a group of lawyers.
The prosecutor felt that it would be an interesting experiment to try a case
before a jury of lawyers, and the defense counsel had no objection, so a jury
was impaneled. And the trial went very quickly -- after only an hour of
testimony, and very short closing arguments, both sides rested. The jury was
then instructed by the judge, and was sent back to the jury room to deliberate.
After nearly six hours, the trial court was concerned that the jury had not
returned with a verdict. The case had in fact turned out to be every bit as
simple as he had expected, and it seemed to him that they should have been back
in minutes. He sent the bailiff to the jury room, to see if they needed
anything.
The bailiff returned, and the judge asked, "Are they close to reaching a
verdict?"
The bailiff shook his head, and replied, "Your honor, they're still doing
nomination speeches for the position of foreman." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Cubicle Wisdom
1. If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company
someday.
2. The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
3. Sure, you may not like working here, but we pay your rent.
4. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings -- they did it by
killing all those who opposed them.
5. A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.
6. If at first you don't succeed--try management.
7. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
8. Never quit until you have another job.
9. Hang in there: Retirement is only 30 years away!
10. Go the extra mile--It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
11. Pride, commitment, teamwork -- words we use to get you to work for free.
12. Work: It isn't just for sleeping anymore.
13. There are two kinds of people in life: people who like their jobs, and
people who don't work here anymore.
14. If you want a job done properly, give it to someone else to do.
15. Your Boss *IS* and JERK, Which is why he's the Boss! Being nice gets you
nowhere in life. (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Assertive...
A mild
mannered man was tired of his wife always bossing him around, so he decided to
go to a psychiatrist. The doctor told him he had to develop self-esteem and gave
him a booklet on assertive training. He read it while driving home from work in
his car.
When he
walked thru the door and his wife came to greet him, he told her, "From now on,
I'm the man of this home and my word is law. When I come from work I want my
dinner on the table. Now, I want you to get upstairs and lay out my clothes on
the bed, because I'm going out with the boys tonight. Then draw my bath. When I
get out of the tub, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?"
"The
undertaker. " she replied.... (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Return The Dog
Two blondes suddenly got into bird hunting and were eager to
try it out for themselves. They had read that a birddog is a great and useful
accessory in bird hunting, so they decided to go to the pet shop and buy one.
They asked for a well-trained birddog, and got one.
The two blondes immediately went to the woods to try it out.
The dog didn't work. No matter how hard they tried, it just didn't follow their
commands.
They became really frustrated and one of the blondes said to
her companion, “Okay, we'll give him one more try. We'll throw him in the air
one more time and if he doesn't fly, we're taking him back to the store!” (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
4 Fathers
Four expectant fathers were in a
Minneapolis hospital waiting
room, while their wives were in labor.
The nurse tells the first man, "Congratulations! You're the father of twins!"
"What a coincidence! I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team!"
The nurse returns and tells the second man, "You are the father of triplets!"
"Wow, what a coincidence! I work for 3M Corporation!"
When the nurse tells the third man that his wife has given birth to quadruplets.
"Another coincidence! I work for Four Seasons Hotel!"
At this point, the fourth guy faints. When he comes to, the others ask what's
wrong.
"What's wrong?! I work for 7-Up!" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Traffic Stop
One day
a police officer stopped a motorist who had just gone through a four way stop
sign and was about to give him a ticket when the motorist said: "Officer you
can't give me a ticket for that!"
"Why not?" Asked the officer.
"Because although I did not stop I slowed right down and it's almost the same."
"But you did not stop," replied the officer, "and the sign says STOP!"
"But the way was clear and it was safe," replied the motorist.
The officer then pulls out his baton and starts hitting the motorist.
"What are you doing?!" yells the motorist in surprise.
"Do you want me to slow down or stop," says the officer. (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Blonde Helicopter Pilot
A blonde pilot decided she wanted to learn how to fly a helicopter. She went
to the airport, but the only one available was a solo-helicopter. The Instructor
figured he could let her go up alone since she was already a pilot for small
planes and he could instruct her via radio.
So up the blonde went. She reached 1,000 feet and everything was going
smoothly. She reached 2,000 feet. The blonde and the Instructor kept talking via
radio. Everything was running smoothly. At 3,000 feet the helicopter suddenly
came down quickly! It skimmed the top of some trees and crash landed in the
woods. The Instructor jumped into his jeep and rushed out to see if the blonde
was okay.
As he reached the edge of the woods, the blonde was walking out.
"What happened?" the Instructor asked. "All was going so well until you
reached 3,000 feet. What happened then?"
"Well," began the blonde, "I got cold. So I turned off the big fan." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Hungry
A
Mexican family crosses over the border to the Land of Milk and Honey where the
streets are paved with gold. But the husband can find no work.
His family is hungry, so he takes a walk to a quiet place at the foot of A big
hill, kneels at the base of a tree, and begins to pray: "Sweet Jesus, Please
show me a way to feed my family..."
Eyes closed, the Mexican does not see the black man coming over the top of the
hill, who is stumbling wildly with a broken grocery sack. When the Mexican man
opens his eyes, a large wheel of cheddar cheese rolls down the hill and lands at
his feet!
"Oh, thank you Jesus, thank you!" he cries, grabs the cheese, and runs straight
home. Upon returning home, he gives the cheese to his wife and instructs her to
make nachos.
"But wouldn't you rather have cheese enchiladas and burritos and other things?"
she inquires.
"No," the husband says, "Jesus sent this to me with a message... As I ran home,
I kept hearing Him yell,
"THAT'S NACHO CHEESE!" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
The Senility Prayer And Other
Quips
God grant me the Senility to
forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I
do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now that I am older, here's
what I have discovered:
I started out with nothing,
& I still have most of it.
My wild oats have turned
into prunes and All Bran.
I finally got my head
together, now my body is falling apart.
Funny, I don't remember
being absent minded..
All reports are in; Life is
now officially unfair.
If all is not lost, where is
it?
It is easier to get older
than it is to get wiser.
Some days you're the dog;
some days you're the hydrant.
Kids in the back seat cause
accidents.
Accidents in the back seat -
cause kids!
I wish the buck stopped
here; I sure could use a few. . .
It's hard to make a comeback
when you haven't been anywhere.
Only time the world beats a
path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
If God wanted me to touch my
toes, he would have put them on my knees.
When I'm finally holding all
the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
It's not hard to meet
expenses... they're everywhere.
The only difference between
a rut and a grave is the depth.
These days I spend a lot of
time thinking about the hereafter...
I go somewhere to get
something & then wonder what I'm here after! (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Not Just Another Talking Dog
This
guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell
and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back
yard and sees a mutt sitting there.
"You
talk?" he asks.
"Yep,"
the mutt replies.
"So,
what's your story?"
The
mutt looks up and says "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted
to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had
me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world
leader, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their
most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me
out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I
signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly
wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some
incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess
of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy
is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The
owner says "Ten dollars." The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, "This
dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?" The owner replies, "He's
such a dad gum liar." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
