A Better Offer
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual
offer:
"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to
the part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'be
faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out."
He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied. On the day of
the wedding, when it came time for the groom's vows, the pastor looked the young
man in the eye and said:
"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command
and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear
eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at
another woman, as long as you both shall live?"
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes," then
leaned toward the pastor and hissed: "I thought we had a deal."
The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispered: "She made me
a better offer." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Finish What You Start
It is
said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish things you've started. It is
definitely working for me. I am now making a point of always finishing what I
start, and I think I am well on my way toward finding inner peace.
Here are the things that I have finished today:
- two bags of potato chips,
- a strawberry cheesecake,
- a package of Oreo's,
- a bottle of Vanilla Coke,
- a large box of chocolates
I think this really works because I feel better already!!! (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Red, White And Blue
A visitor from Holland was
chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red,
white and blue in the Netherlands flag.
"Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them,
white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them."
"That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too."
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Elephants VS Ants
It was
a boring Sunday afternoon in the jungle so the Elephants decided to challenge
the Ants to a game of soccer. The game was going well with the Elephants beating
the Ants ten goals to nil, when the Ants gained posession. The Ants' star player
was dribbling the ball towards the Elephants' goal when the Elephants' left back
came lumbering towards him. The elephant trod on the little ant, killing him
instantly. The referee stopped the game. "What the hell do you think you're
doing? Do you call that sportsmanship, killing another player?"
The elephant replied, "Well, I didn't mean to kill him -- I was just trying to
trip him up." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Arkansas Special Forces
The latest ploy to drive the Taliban and Al Queda out of the mountains of
Afghanistan is to send in a team of Alabama
Special Forces.
Billy Bob, Bubba, Boo, Scooter, and Cooter are being sent in with the following
info about the Taliban:
1. There is no limit.
2. The season opened last weekend.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like pickup trucks, country music, or Jesus.
5. Some just don’t like women folk.
6. They don't like barbeque.
7. They were responsible for Dale Earnhardt's death.
Should be over in just about a week. (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Parking Tickets
I went
to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I
came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to
him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?' He ignored me and
continued writing the ticket.
So I
called him a pencil necked nazi. He glared at me and started writing another
ticket for having bald tires!! So I called him a son of a mutant pig. He
finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started
writing a third ticket!! This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused
him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the
corner… (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Four Men and Their Dogs
Four
men, an Engineer, an Accountant, a Chemist and a Government Worker were bragging
about how smart their dogs were.
To show
off, the Engineer called to his dog and said, "T-Square, do your stuff."
T-
square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a
circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the
Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Slide
Rule, do your stuff."
Slide
Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided
them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good. But
the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Measure,
do your stuff."
Measure
got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce
glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop.
Everyone agreed that was good. Then the three men turned to the Government
Worker and said, "What can your dog do?"
The
Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff."
Coffee
Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper,
beat up the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed
a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Worker's
Compensation and went home on sick leave. (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Driving Test (Questions and
Answers)
The following are a sampling of real answers received on exams given by the
California Department of Transportation's driving school.
Q: Do you yield when a blind
pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license
plate.
Q: Who has the right of way when four
cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun
rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."
Q: When driving through fog, what
should you use?
A: Your car.
Q: How can you reduce the possibility
of having an accident?
A: Be too drunk to find your keys.
Q: What problems would you face if
you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot
faster.
Q: What changes would occur in your
lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive
unlawfully.
Q: What are some points to remember
when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello"
if she is cute.
Q: What is the difference between a
flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.
Q: How do you deal with heavy
traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.
Q: What can you do to help ease a
heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.
Q: Why would it be difficult to be a
police officer?
A: It would be tough to be an idiot
all day long. (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Murphy’s Technology Laws
Murphy's Technology Law #1: The first
myth of management is that it exists.
Murphy's Technology Law #2: A failure
will not appear until a unit has passed final inspection.
Murphy's Technology Law #3: New
systems generate new problems.
Murphy's Technology Law #4: To err is
human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.
Murphy's Technology Law #5: We don't
know one-millionth of one percent about anything.
Murphy's Technology Law #6: Any given
program, when running, is obsolete.
Murphy's Technology Law #7: A
computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make.
Murphy's Technology Law #8: Logic is
a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
Murphy's Technology Law #9:
Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.
Murphy's Technology Law #10: If
builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first
woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization. (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Tickets Please
Three engineers and three
accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three
accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single
ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
They all board the train.
The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a
restroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has
departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the
restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a
single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The accountants saw this and
agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants
decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being
clever with money, and all that).
When they get to the
station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment,
the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed
accountant.
"Watch and you'll see,"
answers an engineer.
When they board the train
the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into
another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers
leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are
hiding. He knocks on the door and says, Ticket, please.” (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Golf
Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are at
a country club. Woods turns to Wonder and says, "How's the singing career
going?"
Stevie Wonder replies, "Not too bad.
How's the golf?"
Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had
some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that going right now."
Stevie says, "I always find that when
my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it.
Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."
Tiger says, "You play golf?"
Wonder says, "Oh, yes, I've been
playing for years."
Woods says, "But you're blind! How
can you play golf if you can't see?"
Wonder replies, "I get my caddy to
stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his
voice and play the ball toward him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands,
the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the
ball toward his voice."
"But how do you putt?" asks Woods.
"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy
to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground,
and I just play the ball toward his voice."
Woods asks, "What's your handicap?"
Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch
golfer."
Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie,
"We've got to play a round sometime."
Wonder replies, "Well, people don't
take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than
$10,000 a hole."
Woods thinks about it and says, "OK,
I'm game for that, when would you like to play?"
Stevie says, "Pick a night." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Playing Golf The Almighty Way
Moses and Jesus were in a
threesome playing golf one day. Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one.
The ball landed in the fairway, but rolled directly toward a water hazard.
Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side,
safe and sound.
Next, Jesus strolled up to
the tee and hit a nice long one directly toward the same water hazard. It landed
right in the centre of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus
casually walked out on the pond and chipped the ball onto the green.
The third guy got up and
randomly whacked the ball. It headed out over the fence and into oncoming
traffic on a nearby street. It bounced off a truck and hit a nearby tree. From
there, it bounced onto the roof of a shack close by and rolled down into the
gutter, down the drain spout, out onto the fairway and straight toward the
aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, the ball hit a stone and bounced
out over the water onto a lily pad, where it rested quietly. Suddenly a very
large bullfrog jumped up on a lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth.
Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they
passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball, which
bounced right into the cup for a hole in one.
Moses turned to Jesus and
said, "I hate playing with your Dad.” (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Pull Over, Baby
A woman was driving her old beat up car on the Highway with her 7 year old
son.
She tried to keep up with traffic but they were flying by her. After getting
caught in a large group of cars flying down the road, she looked at her
speedometer to see she was doing 15 miles over the speed limit.
Slowing down, she moved over to the side and got out of the clump that soon
left her behind. She looked up and saw the flashing lights of a police car.
pulling over she waited for the officer to come up to her car.
As he did he said, "Ma'am do you know why I pulled you over?"
Her son piped up from the back seat, "I do... because you couldn't catch the
other cars!" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
The Preacher's Death
An old preacher was dying.
He sent a message for his Doctor and his Lawyer, both were church members, to
come to his home.
When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the
room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side
of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and
stared at the ceiling.
For a time, no one said anything. Both the Doctor and Lawyer were touched,
flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during his final
moment. They were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication
that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long,
uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness and their avaricious behavior
that made them squirm in their seats.
Finally, the doctor said, "Preacher, why did you ask the two of us to come?"
The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly,
"Jesus died between two thieves. And that's how I want to go too. (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Just Can’t Get It Right
The following is an ad from
a real-life newspaper which appeared four days in a row - the last three
hopelessly trying to correct the first day's mistake.
MONDAY: For sale: R.D. Jones
has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs.
Kelly who lives with him cheap.
TUESDAY Notice: We regret
having erred In R.D. Jones' ad yesterday. It should have read "One sewing
machine for sale cheap. Phone 948-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with
him after 7 P.M."
WEDNESDAY Notice: R.D. Jones
has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of
the error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands corrected as
follows: "For sale R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone
948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him."
THURSDAY Notice: I, R.D.
Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I smashed it. Don't call 948-0707 as I
have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly.
Until yesterday she was my housekeeper but she quit!” (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
A Story With Three Morals
A little bird was flying
south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a
large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on
it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize
how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm
and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing
and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under
the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!
The morals of this story:
1 - Not everyone who drops
crap on you is your enemy.
2 - Not everyone who gets
you out of crap is your friend.
3 - And when you’re in deep
doo-doo, keep your mouth shut. (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
World’s Smartest Dog?
As a butcher is shooing a
dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops,
please."
Amazed, he takes the money,
puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows
the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across
the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When
a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards
the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck.
As the bus travels out into
the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back
paws to push the "stop" button, then the butcher follows him off.
The dog runs up to a house
and drops his bag on the stoop. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and
throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No
answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a
window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts
cursing and pummeling the dog.
The butcher runs up screams
at the guy: "What in the world are you doing? This dog's a genius!" The owner
responds, "Genius? I don't think so. It's the second time this week he's
forgotten his key!" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Performance Reviews
Quotes
Taken from actual performance evaluations:
"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to
dig."
"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
"I would not allow this employee to breed."
"This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely
won't be."
"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
The Old Cherokee Chief
The old
Cherokee chief sat in his reservation hut, smoking the ceremonial pipe, eyeing
the two US government officials sent to interview him.
"Chief
Two Eagles," one official began, "you have observed the white man for many
generations, you have seen his wars and his products, you have seen all his
progress, and all his problems."
The
chief nodded.
The
official continued, "Considering recent events, in your opinion, where has the
white man gone wrong?"
The
chief stared at the government officials for over a minute, and then calmly
replied, "When white man found the land, Indians were running it.
* No taxes.
* No debt.
* Plenty buffalo
* Plenty beaver
* Women did the work
* Medicine man free
* Indian men hunted and
fished all the time..."
The
chief smiled, and added quietly, "White man dumb enough to think he could
improve system like that." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
IN MY CHILDREN'S HOME
When I get old
In each of my children's
homes I shall reside
I will bring in my bags and
plop them down
The kids will move them
aside.
I will go straight to the
refrigerator
Hold the door open for a few
Exclaim, "There's nothing
to eat!"
Then twist off the cap and
drink from the Mountain Dew.
When feeling thirsty, I'll
go to the freezer
Empty the trays of ice
Then put the empty trays
back
Even though I know it's not
nice.
After they go to the store
I'll wait till they fall
asleep
Then I'll invite all of my
friends
To come in and have a feast.
Their forks, blankets, and
towels
Will gradually disappear.
When they want to wrap a
gift
The tape and scissors will
be nowhere near.
I will borrow all of their
things
Why should I buy my own?
They should give me their
stuff
Now that I live in their
home.
I will sleep until noon
After I party with my
friends all night
"What! You want me to do
the dishes?!"
Well that's just not right!
They'll tell me to be home
for dinner
Together the family must eat
I'll turn up my nose
"OH Yuck! I don't like that
kind of meat."
I'll make a peanut butter
sandwich
And then I'll head on out
"Who left this knife with
peanut butter?"
"I don't know. Wasn't me."
I'll shout.
So I can't wait for the day
When my life will be
fulfilled
I will live in the homes of
my children
And they will be just
thrilled. -- Laura Vargyas (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Vacation
Four guys are driving
cross-country together--one from Idaho, one from Iowa, one from Florida, and the
last one is from New York. A bit down the road the man from Idaho starts to pull
potatoes from his bag and throws them out the window.
The man from Iowa turns to
him and asks, "What the heck are you doing?" The man from Idaho says, "Man, we
have so many of these things in Idaho they're laying around on the ground - I'm
sick of looking at them!"
A few miles down the road,
the man from Iowa begins pulling husks of corn from his bag and throwing them
out the window. The man from Florida asks "What are you doing that for?"
The man from Iowa replies,
"Man, we have so many of these things in Iowa I'm sick of looking at them!"
Inspired by the others, the
man from Florida opens the car door and pushes the New Yorker out. (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Wolf
Hunter
Mike and Bill, are hanging
out in the one gas station in a one-light town in northern Idaho, when a local
rancher walks in carrying a wolf pelt.
"Good work!" says the old attendant. He pops the cash register open, pulls out a
wad of bills, and counts them out into the rancher's outstretched hand.
After the rancher leaves, Mike asks the attendant, "What was that all about?"
The attendant says, "Haven't you boys heard? We got us a real wolf problem in
these parts, and the county ain't done a thing about it. Why, just last week, a
pack of the varmints come onta my property and laid waste t'my chicken coop. Ol'
Man Miller down the road even lost four of his cattle to the bloodthirsty
beasts! They're vicious, and they got no fear -- and they gotta be stopped. So
I'm offerin' a bounty -- a hundred dollars to anybody who brings in a wolf
pelt."
Mike and Bill look at each other, and immediately race out of the station to go
hunt wolves.
After wandering around the hills for several hours, they finally spot a lone
wolf in the distance. Mike takes aim with his rifle and shoots the wolf dead.
The two fellas sprint over to where the carcass lay, and Mike gets busy with the
pelt.
Suddenly, Bill says, "Hey, Mike, look."
"Not now," says Mike, "I'm busy."
Bill tugs on Mike's sleeve and says, "Mike, I think you *really* ought to see
this."
"Not now!" Mike says again. "Can't you see I've got a hundred dollars in my
hands?"
Bill's voice starts to waver. "Mike, please, just look!"
Mike stops what he's doing and looks up: The two men are surrounded by a pack of
wolves -- at least fifty in all, every one of them growling, drooling, gnashing
their teeth, and licking their chops.
Mike takes in the sight and gasps:
"Oh, my... .... ... ... We're gonna be rich!" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
