Then & Now... What a Difference 30 Years Can Make And A Little Wisdom!
1972: Long hair
2002: Longing for hair
1972: The perfect high
2002: The perfect high yield
mutual fund
1972: KEG
2002: EKG
1972: Acid rock
2002: Acid reflux
1972: Moving to California
because its so “cool”
2002: Moving to California
because it's warm
1972: Growing pot
2002: Growing pot belly
1972: Trying to look like
Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2002: Trying NOT to look
like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
1972: Seeds and stems
2002: Roughage
1972: Popping pills, smoking
joints
2002: Popping joints
1972: Killer weed
2002: Weed killer
1972: The Grateful Dead
2002: Dr. Kevorkian
1972: Going to a new, hip
joint
2002: Receiving a new hip
joint
1972: Rolling Stones
2002: Kidney Stones
1972: Being called into the
principal\'s office
2002: Calling the
principal\'s office
1972: Screw the system
2002: Upgrade the system
1972: Disco
2002: Costco
1972: Parents begging you to
get your hair cut
2002: Children begging you
to get their heads shaved
1972: Taking acid
2002: Taking antacid
1972: Passing the drivers\'
test
2002: Passing the vision
test
1972: Whatever
2002: Depends (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
The Defense Attorney
A defense attorney was
cross-examining a Chicago police officer during a felony trial -- it went like
this:
Q. Officer, did you see my
client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I
subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running
several blocks away.
Q. Officer, who provided
this description?
A. The officer who responded
to the scene.
Q. A fellow officer provided
the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.
Q. With your life? Let me
ask you this then officer -- do you have a locker room in the police station --
a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.
Q. And do you have a locker
in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.
Q. And do you have a lock on
your locker?
A. Yes sir.
Q. Now why is it, officer,
if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to
lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?
A. You see sir, we share the
building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk
through that room.
With that, the courtroom
erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called. (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Offering
A little boy in church for the
first time watched as the ushers passed around the offering plates. When they
came near his pew, the boy said loudly, "Don't pay for me Daddy. I'm under
five." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
A Letter From The Army
(All in where yur from)
LifeDear Ma and Pa:
Am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother
Walt and Brother Elmer the Army beats working for Old Man Minch a mile. Tell
them to join up quick before maybe all the places are filled. I was restless at
first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I
like to sleep late.
Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before
breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things -- no hogs to slop, feed to
pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. You got to
shave, but it is not bad in warm water.
Breakfast is strong on trimmings like
fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes,
beef, ham steak, fried eggplant, pie and regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer
you can always sit between two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus
yours holds you till noon, when you get fed.
It's no wonder these city boys can't
walk much. We go on "route marches," which, the Sgt. says, are long walks to
harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route
march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys all get
sore feet and we ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat. The
Sgt. is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board.
Cols. and Gens. just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer
with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The
bull's-eye is near as big as a chipmunk and don't move. And it ain't shooting at
you, like the Higsett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all
comfortable and hit it, you don't even load your own cartridges. They come in
boxes.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to
hurry and join before other fellows get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving son, Zeb
P.S. Speaking of shooting, enclosed
is $200 for barn roof and ma's teeth. The city boys shoot craps, but not very
good. (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Annoying The
Telemarketers
1) Talk really fast.
2) Make up your own language. Speak it.
3) Make up a one word language. Speak it.
4) Turn on the TV. Change the channel to one that only gets
static. Turn the volume up really loud. Say that you can't hear them over the
static.
5) Say, "This phone line is for emergency use only. Do you
have an emergency?" If they say "Yes" say, "Please state the nature of the
emergency." Then insist that their emergency isn't an emergency. If they say
"No" say, "I'm sorry but this line is for emergencies only."
6) Pretend that you are a hostage negotiator, and try to get
the telemarketer to release the hostages.
7) Order a large pepperoni pizza, some garlic bread, and a
meatball sub.
8) Repeatedly dial the phone. Mutter that it isn't ringing.
9) Communicate only through Morse code.
10) Talk to the telemarketer. During the conversation dial
the phone, and ask for Bill. Do this repeatedly.
11) Try to sell the telemarketer something.
12) Pretend to be an escaped mental patient. Mutter things
like, "They'll never catch me again," "No! Not the jacket! No, no, no!" After
saying one of these mutter incoherently.
13) Make him/her sing to get a sale. If a male sings, claim
that he sounds like Britney Spears. If a female sings, claim that she sounds
like Barry White.
14) Pretend to be really interested. Then say, "No."
15) Say nothing until he/she hangs up.
16) Ask the telemarketer for his/her home phone number. Claim
that you need some time to think, and that you'll get back to them.
17) Say, "Yes" to whatever they are selling and hang up
immediately afterwards. (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
QUEEN Size
A little boy went to the store
with his grandmother and on the way home, he was looking at the things she had
purchased. He found a package of pantyhose and began to sound out the words
"QUEEN SIZE." He then turned to his grandmother and exclaimed, "Look Granny, you
wear the same size as our bed!" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
The Head Hog
A man called the church office one day and said, "Can I
please speak to the head hog at the trough?"
The secretary, highly offended, said, "If you mean the
pastor, then you may refer to him as 'Pastor' or 'Brother,' but you may
certainly NOT refer to him as the 'head hog at the trough!'"
The man said, "Well, I was planning on giving $10,000 to your
church's building fund, but..."
"Hold on," the secretary quickly replied, "the big fat pig
just walked in." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Walking the dog
I was flying from
San Francisco to Los Angeles.
By the time we took off, there had been a 45-minute delay and everybody on board
was ticked.
Unexpectedly, we stopped in
Sacramento on the way. The
flight attendant explained that there would be another 45-minute delay, and if
we wanted to get off the aircraft, we would reboard in 30 minutes.
Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was
blind. I noticed him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because
his seeing eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout
the entire flight. I could also tell he had flown this very flight before
because the pilot approached him and, calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're
in Sacramento
for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?" Keith
replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs."
Picture this. All the people in the gate area came to a
completely quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the
plane with the seeing eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People
scattered. They not only tried to change planes, they also were trying to change
airlines! (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Lawyer In Heaven
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay,
there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his
surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to
where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly.
Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by
the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable
chair by his desk. The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what
makes me so special?"
St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for
which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 196 years
old!" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
God’s Diet Plan
And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and
spinach and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would
live long and healthy lives.
And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth
the 99-cent double-cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with
that?"
And Man said, "Super size them." And Man gained pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep
her figure that man found so fair.
And Satan froze the yogurt, and he brought forth chocolate,
nuts and brightly colored sprinkle candy to put on the yogurt. And woman gained
pounds.
And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."
And Satan brought forth creamy dressings, bacon bits, and
shredded cheese.
And there was ice cream for dessert. And woman gained pounds.
And God said, "I have sent your heart healthy vegetables and
olive oil with which to cook them."
And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak from Cracker
Barrel so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained pounds, and his bad
cholesterol went through the roof.
And God brought forth running shoes, and Man resolved to lose
those extra pounds.
And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man
would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained
pounds.
And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil." And God
brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with
nutrition.
And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the
starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip
also.
And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips
swaddled in cholesterol. And Satan saw and said, "It is good."
And Man went into cardiac arrest.
And God sighed, and created quadruple bypass surgery,
angioplasties, and stints . . . . .
And Satan created HMO's... (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Annual Checkup
Matt went into Doc Steven's office for his annual checkup,
and the Doc asked if there was anything unusual he should know about.
That left it pretty wide open, so he told the Doc that he
found it real strange how his suit must have shrunk just sitting in his closet,
because it didn't fit when he went to get ready for a wedding recently.
The Doc said, "Suits don't shrink just sittin' there. You
probably just put on a few pounds, Matt."
"That's just it, Doc, I know I haven't gained a single pound
since the last time I wore it."
"Well, then," said Doc, "You must have a case of Furniture
Disease."
"What in the world is Furniture Disease?"
"Furniture Disease is when you reach that stage in life when
your chest starts sliding down into your drawers." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Parent’s Jobs
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents
did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all
day?"
Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"
Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is
a mailman."
"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father,
Billy?"
Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy murders
people, steals from them, and drinks."
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to
geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's
father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and asked
if there might be some logical explanation.
Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. But how can I
explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?” (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Your Dying
A man hasn't been feling well, so he goes to his doctor for a
complete checkup. Afterward the doctor comes out with the results.
"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says.
"You're dying, and you don't have much time left."
"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?"
"Ten," the doctor says sadly.
"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!"
"Nine..." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
ELDERLY WEDDING
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about
their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and
on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the
owner?"
The pharmacist answers "Yes".
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart
medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? "
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, Jaundice?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol,
antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob says to the pharmacist: "We'd like to register here,
please." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Rocket Science
Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically to
launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the
space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity.
The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions
with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test
it on the windshield of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made. But
when the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out
of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens,
crashed through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and
embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin.
Horrified Britons sent NASA the disastrous results of the
experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the
U.S. scientists for
suggestions.
NASA's response was just three words, "Thaw the chicken."
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
