Married Life
A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her
mother, "Jeff proposed to me an hour ago."
"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.
"Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't
even believe there's a hell."
Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us,
we'll show him how wrong he is." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
The Balcony
A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in a theater.
When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the
man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The man groaned but didn't budge.
The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from
there I'm going to have to call the manager."
Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who
turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few
moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man.
Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success.
Finally, they summoned the police.
The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right
buddy, what's your name?"
"Sam," the man moaned.
"Where ya from, Sam?"
With pain in his voice Sam replied... "The balcony."
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Fireflies
Little Billy, and his grandfather entered the vacation cabin,
and kept the lights off until they were inside to keep from attracting pesky
insects.
Still, a few fireflies followed them in.
Noticing them before his grandfather did, Little Billy
whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with
flashlights...." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Little Bells
In case anyone is considering doing some camping this fall,
please note the following public service announcement:
In
Alaska, tourists are warned to wear tiny bells on their clothing when hiking in
bear country. The bells warn away MOST bears. Tourists are also cautioned to
watch the ground on the trail, paying particular attention to bear droppings to
be alert for the presence of Grizzly Bears. One can tell a Grizzly dropping
because it has tiny bells in it. (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Bogged Down
A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their
way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy hollow in the road and the car
became bogged. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves,
they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him.
The farmer stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and
offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted, and
minutes later the car was free. The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You
know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today."
The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks
the farmer, "When do you have time to plough your land? At night?"
"No," the young farmer replied seriously, "Night is when I
put the water in the hole." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Young Gunfighter
This young man in the Old West wanted to be the best
gunfighter alive. One night as he was sitting in a saloon, he spotted an old man
who had the reputation of being the greatest gunfighter in his day. The young
man walked up to the old man and told him his dream. The old man looked him up
and down and said "I have a suggestion that is sure to help." "Tell me, tell
me," said the young man. "Tie the bottom of your holster lower onto your leg."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" said the young man. "Definitely," the
old man replied.
The young guy did what he was told and drew his gun and shot
the bow tie off the piano player. "Wow, that really helped. Do you have any more
suggestions?" "Yeah, if you cut a notch in the top of your holster where the
hammer hits, the gun will come out smoother." "Will that make me a better
gunfighter?" "It sure will," said the old man.
The young guy did what he was told and drew his gun and shot
a cuff link off the sleeve piano player. "This is really helping me. Is there
anything else you can share with me?" "One more thing," said the old man. "Get
that can of axle grease over there in the corner and rub it all over your gun."
The young fellow didn't hesitate but started putting the
grease on the gun. "No, the whole gun, handle and everything." said the old man.
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" "No," said the old man, "But when Wyatt
Earp gets done playing that piano he's going to shove that gun straight through
your innards, and it won't hurt as much." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Parts Manager
Morris, a parts manager for a small electronics shop, had
occasion to order part No. 669 from the factory. But when he received it he
noticed that someone had sent part No. 699 instead.
Furious at the factory's incompetence, Morris promptly sent
the part back along with a letter giving them a piece of his mind.
Less than a week later, he received the same part back with a
letter containing just five words:
"MORRIS TURN THE BOX OVER." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Elderly Couple
An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman
was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol.
The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"
The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked,
"What did he say?"
The old man yelled, "He says you were speeding!"
The patrolman said, "May I see your license?"
The woman turned to her husband once again and asked, "What
did he say?"
The old man yelled, "He wants to see your license!"
The woman gave the officer her license. The patrolman then
said, "I see you are from
Arkansas. I spent some time
there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen."
The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "He said he thinks he knows you!".
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Rules of Dieting
If you eat something, but no one else sees you eat it, it has
no calories.
When drinking a diet soda while eating a candy bar, the
calories in the candy bar are cancelled by the diet soda.
When you eat with someone else, calories don't count as long
as you don't eat more than they do.
Foods used for medicinal purposes never count. e.g. hot
chocolate, brandy, toast, Sara Lee cheesecake.
If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look
thinner.
Movie-related foods do not have calories because they are
part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. e.g. milk
duds, buttered popcorn, junior mints and Tootsie Rolls.
Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking
the cookie causes calorie leakage.
Late-night snacks have no calories. The refrigerator light is
not strong enough for the calories to see their way into the calorie counter.
If you are in the process of preparing something, food licked
off knives and spoons have no calories. e.g. peanut butter on a knife, ice cream
on a spoon.
Food of the same color have the same number of calories.
Examples are spinach and pistachio ice cream, mushrooms and white chocolate.
Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other.
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Speech
The old CEO was scheduled to give the keynote address at an
important convention so he asked one of his top employees, Goldberg, to write a
punchy, 20 minute speech for him.
When the CEO returned from the big event, he was furious.
"What's the idea of writing me an hour long speech?!" he demanded. "Half the
audience walked out before I was finished."
Goldberg was baffled. "I wrote you a 20 minute speech," he
replied. "I also gave you the two extra copies you asked for." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Happy Puppy
A man and his friend meet at the club house and decide to
play a round of golf together. The man has a little dog with him and on the
first green, when the man holes out a 20 foot putt; the little dog starts to yip
and stands up on its hind legs.
The friend is quite amazed at this clever trick and says,
"That dog is really talented! What does he do if you miss a putt?"
"Somersaults," says the man.
"Somersaults?!" says the friend, "That's incredible. How many
does he do?"
"Hmmm," says the man. "That depends on how hard I kick him."
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Too Much TV
Signs you're watching too much TV
The bumper sticker on your car reads: "What Would
Dawson Do?"
In the middle of an exam, you tell the professor you want to
use a lifeline.
You need to be tranquilized when the cable goes out.
In the late evening, you look forward to sitting back and
catching the latest informercial.
If you're a witness to an argument, you instinctually shout,
"Jer-ry! Jer-ry! Jer-ry!"
You try to impress the opposite sex by saying, "Hey, I get
120 channels!"
Your entire CD collection consists of "Greatest Hits" albums
by the decade.
You have a gold-plated "clicker."
Your intellectual discussions all stem from The Discovery
Channel.
After 15 minutes of work, you need a two-minute break.
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Call a Doctor!
It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of
a busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions while a woman
rushed to help him. When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from
the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right honey, I've had a course
in first aid."
The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse
and prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this point she tapped him
on the shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm
already here." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
It's Framed!
A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away
to re-varnish the toilet seat (which was made of wood). The wife comes home
sooner than expected, needs to use the toilet, sits, and gets the seat stuck to
her rear. She is understandably distraught about this and asks her husband to
drive her to the doctor.
She puts on a large overcoat so as to cover the stuck seat,
and they go. When they get to the doctor's, the man lifts his wife's coat to
show their predicament. The man asks,
"Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?"
"Well, yes," the doctor replies, "but never framed." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Vet Doctor
A Veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor.
The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they
been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him:
"Hey look, I'm a vet - *I* don't need to ask my patients
these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking." She smugly
added, "Why can't you?"
The doctor nodded, stood back, looked her up and down,
quickly wrote out a prescription, handed it to her and said,
"There you are. Of course, if *that* doesn't work, we'll have
to have you put to sleep." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Notes for The Milkman!
"Dear Milkman, I've just had a baby, please leave another
one."
"Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk."
"Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it"
"Milkman please close the gate behind you because the birds
keep pecking the tops off the milk."
"Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a
baby and I've been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks."
"Sorry about yesterdays note. I didn't mean one egg and a
dozen pints, but the other way round."
"When you leave my milk knock on my bedroom window and wake
me because I want you 'to give me a hand to turn the mattress."
"Please knock. My TV's broken down and I missed last nights
'Sopranos' . If you saw it, will you tell me what happened."
My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before
you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle."
"Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two
months old and did not know about it until a neighbor told me."
"Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it."
"From now on please leave two pints every other day and one
pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don't want
any milk."
My back door is open. Please put milk in 'fridge, get money
out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table , because we want to play
bingo tonight."
"Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean
tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday...or is it today ?"
"When you come with the milk please put the coal on the
boiler, let dog out and put newspaper inside the screen door. PS. Don\'t leave
any milk."
"No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is
dead until further notice...." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Cutest Dog
Paul got off the elevator on the 40th floor and nervously
knocked on his blind date's door. She opened it and was as beautiful and
charming as everyone had said.
"I'll be ready in a few minutes," she said. "Why don't you
play with Rollo while you're waiting?" He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over,
shakes hands, sits up and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump
through."
The dog followed Paul onto the balcony and started rolling
over. Paul made a hoop with his arms and Rollo jumped through -- and over the
balcony railing. Just then Paul's date walked out.
"Isn't Rollo the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?"
"To tell the truth," he replied, "he seemed a little
depressed to me." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
The Arrest
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was
speeding down Main Street.
"Officer," the man began, "I can explain."
"No explanation needed!" snapped the officer. "I'm going to
let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I have to tell you something." The man tried
again.
"Just keep quiet! You're going to jail and I'm not interested
in what you have to say!" the officer barked.
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and
said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a
good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm
the groom." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Suicide Blonde
A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her
index finger shot off. "How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked
her.
"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.
"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting your
finger off?"
"No, Silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I
thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting
myself in the chest."
"So then?" asked the doctor.
"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get
my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."
"So then?"
"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud
noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Rookie Cop
A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an
experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who
were loitering.
The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a
corner.
The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner
people."
A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off that
corner... NOW!"
Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in
his direction.
Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner
and asked, "Well, how did I do?"
Pretty good," chuckled the vet, "especially since this is a bus stop." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Surprise!!!!
A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an old lady and an old
gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous
destinations around the world.
The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window
gave him a rare feeling of generosity.
He called them into his shop: "I know that on your pension you could never
hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my
expense, and I won\'t take no for an answer".
He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and
book a room in a five star hotel.
They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were off!
About a month later the little old lady came in to his shop.
"And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly.
"The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said.
"I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I
had to share the room with...?" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
