How Deep?
A man traveling down a country road was forced to stop before a giant puddle
covering the entire road.
Looking to the side of the road, the man noticed a farmer leaning on a fence.
"Think it's safe to cross?" the man asked.
"I reckon so," replied the farmer.
The car was immediately swallowed by the puddle as the man drove in. In fact,
it was so deep that he had to roll his window down to swim out of his car back
to the surface.
As his head broke the surface the man said to the farmer, "I thought you said
I could safely drive through this puddle!"
"Well, shoot!" said the farmer, scratching his head. "It only come up
chest-high on my ducks...!" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
What do you have there?
Nancy's nephew was 4 when she was pregnant with her first kid. She allowed
him to place his hand on her belly and feel the baby kick.
His little face scrunched and said, "How does the baby get out of there?"
She wanted to keep it simple so she said, "The doctor will help."
His eyes widened in amazement as he exclaimed, "WOW!, You've got a DOCTOR in
there, too...?!" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
A Little Help From Our Friends
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
"Words You
Won't Find In the Dictionary... But Should"
Beelzebug (n.) Satan in the form of a
mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 am in the morning and cannot be cast
out.
Caterpallor (n.) The color you turn
after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
Decaflon (n.) The grueling event of
getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
Extraterrestaurant (n.) An eating
place where you feel you've been abducted and experimented upon. Also known as
an E-T-ry.
Hemaglobe (n.) The bloody state of
the world.
Intaxication (n.) Euphoria at getting
a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
Kinstirpation (n.) A painful
inability to move relatives who come to visit.
Lullabuoy (n.) An idea that keeps
floating into your head and prevents you from drifting off to sleep. (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
One Day At The Drug Store...
A girl goes to a drug store, and after wandering around a while, does not
seem to be able to find what she's looking for. One of the clerks approaches her
and says, "Can I help you find something?"
The girl says, "I need some bottom deodorant, and I can't find it." The clerk
scratches her head, then points her to the aisle where the feminine products are
located. "No, not that stuff," says the girl.
"Well, we don't have any bottom deodorant," says the clerk. "Of course you
do," says the gril. "I buy it here all the time." The clerk has no idea and
calls for the manager.
The manager arrives, looks at the girl and says, "Can I help you, miss?" "I
would like to buy some bottom deodorant," says the girl.
"I'm sorry," says the manager, "We don't carry anything like that." "But I
always get it here!" says the girl.
"Do you have the container it comes in?" the manager asks. "Yes!" the girl
says, "I've got one right here." She pulls a stick of underarm deodorant out of
her purse and hands it to the manager, who turns it over in his hands and
examines it.
"This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant," says the manager.
The girl gives a sigh and snatches the empty stick back from him. She points
at it and reads out loud from the container, "To apply, push up bottom!" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Cats
Cats do what they want. They rarely
listen to you.
They're totally unpredictable.
They whine when they are not happy.
When you want to play, they want to
be alone.
When you want to be alone, they want
to play.
They expect you to cater for their
every whim.
They're moody.
They leave hair everywhere.
They drive you nuts and cost an arm
and a leg.
Conclusion: They're tiny little women
in cheap fur coats. (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Dog Study
Dogs lie around all day sprawled on
the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
They can hear a package of food
opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
They can look dumb and lovable all at
the same time.
They growl when they are not happy.
When you want to play they want to
play.
When you want to be alone they want
to play.
They are great at begging.
They will love you forever if you rub
their tummies.
They leave their toys everywhere.
They do disgusting things with their
mouths and then try to give you a kiss.
Conclusion: They're tiny men in
little fur coats. (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Asking for Advice
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was
constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor
for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the
lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when
you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still
feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.
When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer. (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Late for a Meeting
The Pope arrives in NYC for an important UN meeting. His flight is delayed,
so he has only 15 minutes to get from JFK airport to the UN building. A car had
of course has been arranged to pick him up -- he is, after all, the Pope.
The Pope tells the driver of his predicament, but the driver says that he
will not violate the speed limit. So the Pope says "OK, OK, get in the back,
I'll drive." The Pope floors it, weaving through traffic like a madman.
Inevitably, even for the Pope, he sees flashing lights behind him, and has to
pull over. The officer takes one look in the window, turns pale, and slowly
walks back to his squad car.
He calls up his superior officer, and tells him "I just pulled this guy over
for speeding, but I can't give him a ticket."
"Well, why not?"
"He's too important"
"Well, who is it? The mayor? Did you pull over the mayor?"
"No, no, no. Much more important than that."
"Well, was it Donald Trump?"
"No, no, no. Much more important than that."
"Was it the president? Please tell me you did not pull over the president of
the United States."
"No, no, no. Much more important than than."
By this time, the superior officer is completely flabbergasted. He yelled
"Well, then just who did you pull over?!"
To which the policeman nervously replied "Well, I don't know, but he's got
the Pope for a driver!" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Prescriptions
A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn't been feeling well. The
doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles
of pills.
The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get
up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before
going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water."
Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, "My goodness, doc,
exactly what's my problem?"
Doctor says, "You're not drinking enough water." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Cat Disorder - Top Signs Your Cat Might have a
Personality Disorder
Couldn't muster up sufficient disdain
if all nine lives depended on it!
You've repeatedly found him in the
closed garage, hunched over the wheel of your running Buick.
Sits for hours in fascination while
listening to Bob Dole.
Teeth and claw marks all over your
now-empty bottles of Prozac.
No longer licks paws clean, but
washes them at the sink again and again and again...
Continually scratches on the door to
get in... the OVEN door.
Doesn't get Garfield, but laughs like
crazy at Marmaduke.
Rides in your car with its head out
the window.
She's a dues-paid, card-carrying
member of the Reform Party.
You realize one day that the urine
stains on the carpet actually form the letters N-E-E-D T-H-E-R-A-P-Y.
Has built a shrine to Andrew Lloyd
Webber entirely out of empty "9 Lives" cans.
Spends all day in litter box
separating the green chlorophyll granules from the plain white ones.
After years of NPR, Tabby is suddenly
a Ditto-Puss.
Sullen and overweight, your
sunglass-wearing cat shoots the TV with a .45 Magnum when it sees cartoon
depictions of stupid or lazy felines.
Your stereo is missing, and in the
corner you find a pawn ticket and 2 kilos of catnip.
Makes an attempt on "First Cat"
Sock's life in a pathetic attempt to impress Jodie Foster. (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Haggling
One day a gentleman walked into one of Ben Franklin's book stores. As one of
the clerks went to assist him, the gentleman asked the clerk the price of the
book he wished to purchase. The young clerk looked at the price posted on the
book and said, "That book is one dollar, sir."
The gentleman began to haggle with the clerk over the price. The clerk
assured him that the correct price for the book was one dollar and no lower. As
the man realized that his efforts to haggle with the clerk were going nowhere,
he insisted on speaking with Ben Franklin directly.
Franklin stopped his work, walked out to the storefront and the gentleman
asked, "What is the price of this book?"
Franklin answered, "One dollar and a quarter."
The gentleman was confused and replied, "Your clerk just said it was a
dollar."
Franklin looked at the book again and answered, "Yes, it was a dollar. But
now you're wasting my time." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Trading Insults:
My Wife, who was 8 months pregnant, and I were shopping in crowded mall. We
had been trading humorous insults for most of the evening and I decided that I
was going to really get her. I announced in a loud voice that, "If you don't
stop insulting me I'm not going to marry you!". I was disappointed that only a
few people around us reacted but my Wife managed to bring down the house when
she responded, "That's ok, I won't tell you who the father is!". (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Living In Southern California
You make over $250,000 a year and
still can't afford a house.
It's sprinkling outside, so you leave
for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
Your child's third grade teacher has
purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze.
You've been to a baby shower for an
infant who has two mothers and a sperm donor.
You have a very strong opinion about
where your coffee beans are grown, and can taste the difference between Sumatran
and Ethiopian.
You know which restaurant serves the
freshest arugula.
A really great parking space can move
you to tears.
Your car insurance costs as much as
your house payment.
Your hairdresser is straight, your
plumber is gay, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag.
Over 85% of the cities, towns, and
streets start with San, Los, El, La, Santa, De La, or De Los.
Two overcast days in a row drive you
mad.
A family of four owns six vehicles.
Everyone who lives here knows that
hurricanes, tornadoes, floods and snowstorms are way worse than earthquakes,
which are, after all, over almost as soon as you realize what's happening.
Even if the store is across the
street, you drive there.
And finally, a question: Q. How many
Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. None. Californians cannot
afford to turn on the lights. (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Gone Fishin'
Two redneck guys go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the
reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the
woods. They spend a fortune. The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch
anything.
The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on
like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men
catches a fish.
As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other
and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen
hundred dollars?" The other guy says, "Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch
any more!"
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Quotes About Life
Love is grand; divorce is at least a hundred grand.
Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.
Remember: amateurs built the ark, professionals built the
Titanic.
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A
pessimist fears that this is true.
Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if
you just stand there.
My inferiority complex is not as good as yours is.
I am having an out of money experience.
It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody
bothers to ask you the questions.
You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a
rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live
forever.
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial
cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting
something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end
to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
Laughing stock - cattle with a sense of humor.
You can't have everything, where would you put it?
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the
world's population.
If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
The things that come to those that wait may be the things
left by those who got there first.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to
fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public
schools.
When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands
of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Does It Hurt
My husband was bending over to tie my three-year-old's shoes. That's when
I noticed my son Ben staring at my husband's head.
He gently touched the slightly thinning spot of hair and said in a
concerned voice, "Daddy, you have a hole in your head. Does it hurt?"
After a pause, I heard my husband's murmured reply, "Not physically."
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Hymns For Everyone!
The Contractor's Hymn:
The Church's One Foundation
The Weatherman's Hymn:
There Shall Be Showers of Blessing
The Dentist's Hymn:
Crown Him With Many Crowns
The Tailor's Hymn:
Holy, Holy, Holy
The Gardener's Hymn:
Lo, How A Rose E'er Blooming
The Golfer's Hymn:
There is A Green Hill Far Away
The Psychiatrist's Hymn:
Just A Little Talk With Jesus
The Politician's Hymn:
Standing on the Promises
The Optometrist's Hymn:
Open My Eyes That I Might See
The IRS Agent's Hymn:
I Surrender All
The Gossip's Hymn:
Pass It On
The Electrician's Hymn:
Send the Light
The Haberdasher's Hymn:
Blest Be the Tie
The Realtor's Hymn:
I've Got A Mansion Just Over the Hilltop
The Waiter's Hymn:
Fill My Cup, Lord
The Paramedic's Hymn:
Revive Us Again
The Judge's Hymn:
Almost Persuaded
The Postal Worker's Hymn:
So Send I You
The Baker's Hymn:
When the Roll Is Called Up Yonder
The Lifeguard's Hymn:
Rescue the Perishing
The Criminal's Hymn:
Search Me, O God
The Travel Agent's Hymn:
Anywhere With Jesus
The Geologist's Hymn:
Rock of Ages
The Shopper's Hymn:
Sweet By and By
The Architect's Hymn:
How Firm A Foundation
The Librarian's Hymn:
Whispering Hope
The Shoemaker's Hymn:
It Is Well With My Soul (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Funeral Procession
Two guys are golfing on a course that is right next to a
cemetery. After they tee off, one of the golfers
notices that there is a funeral procession passing by. So he
takes off his hat, and places it over his heart.
When the funeral is over, the other golfer looks at the guy
and asks, "Why did you do that?"
The man replies, "Well we were married for almost 40 years.
It's the least I could do." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Top 10 Technologies That Deserve a Second Chance
In a recent M.I.T. Technology Review article titled "Ten
Passed Technologies," writer Nick Monfort gave a rundown of ten long-dead
technologies that deserved better fates. Here at CNET, we're suckers for top ten
lists (even serious ones like Monfort's). Plus, we really like technology in all
its guises. With that in mind, here's a list of obsolete technologies we'd like
to see make a comeback:
1 The Pony Express: Less pressure than email, and when you
don't respond for weeks on end, you can always blame the horse.
2 Muskets: Would make drive-by shootings virtually
impossible.
3 The Four Humours: Diagnosis based on the balance of phlegm,
blood, and bile (both yellow and black) could cut medical bills drastically.
4 Papyrus: No paper cuts!
5 The Stocks: Move over, Jerry Springer. The "Who's in the
Stocks Channel" could offer a whole new way to publicly humiliate people.
6 Mimeograph Machines: The constant hand-cranking means you
can skip going to the gym.
7 Divining Rods: Potentially popular with dot-com start-ups
seeking venture capitalists whose funds aren't all dried up.
8 Eight-Track Players: Could trigger a Bachman-Turner
Overdrive renaissance.
9 Morse Code: Repetitive-motion index finger injuries are far
less disabling than carpal tunnel syndrome.
10 Two Cans and a String: The least-expensive wireless
technology we've found so far. (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Bobby Goes To Heaven
Three coaches flew to the NCAA convention. The plane crashed and all three
died. They all noticed God up in the clouds sitting in a chair. God motioned for
one of them to come into the clouds. God wanted to know three things: "Who are
you? What did you do? What did people think of you?"
The first coach said, "I'm Denny Crum. I was the second-best coach in the
nation. I won two national championships and over 20 games a year. The people of
Kentucky think I'm great."
God said, "Fine, Denny, stand on my right side."
The next person said, "I'm Rick Pitino. I was the third-best coach in the
nation. I won an SEC Championship and turned the program around to a fairly
respectable one. The people of Kentucky think I'm great."
God said, "Fine, Rick, stand on my left side."
The third person stood before God and said, "I'm Bobby Knight and I've won
three national championships, 2 NIT championships, the Pan Am Games, the
Olympics, 9 Big Ten championships, I was the youngest coach ever to win 600
games, and the people of Indiana think you are sitting in my chair." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Circle Flies:
A farmer was driving out on a rural highway and got pulled over by a state
trooper for speeding. The trooper started to lecture the farmer, in general
throwing his weight around to intimidate him and make him uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, all the while
swatting at some large black flies that continued buzzing around his head. The
farmer looked up and said, "Having some problems with them circle flies there,
are ya?"
The trooper replied, "Well yeah, if that's what they are - I never heard of
circle flies." The farmer said, "Well, they're common out on the farms. See,
they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around
the back end of a horse."
The trooper said, "Oh," and went back to writing the ticket. He paused after
a minute and said, "Hey wait a minute... are you trying to call me a horse's
ass?"
The farmer said, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement
and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's puttutt." "Well,
that's a good thing," said the trooper as he handed the ticket over.
The farmer said, "Hard to fool them flies, though." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Blonde Detective Training
A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become
detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first
blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how
would you recognize him?"
The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only
has one eye!"
The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his
profile."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5
seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you
recognize him?"
The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to
catch because he only has one ear!"
The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!? Of course
only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his profile!! Is
that the best answer you can come up with?
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde
and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize
him?" He quickly adds" . . . think hard before giving me a stupid answer."
The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm . . .
the suspect wears contact lenses."
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know
himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting
answer . . . wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get
back to you on that."
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his
computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe
it...it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How
were you able to make such an astute observation?"
"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he
only has one eye and one ear. (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
