Garden
Of Eden?!:
Submitted by Carl Graham
Adam was walking around the Garden
of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?"
Adam said, "I don't have anyone
to talk to."
God said he was going to give him
a companion and it would be a woman. He said, "This person will cook for
you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you
make. She will bear you children and never ask you to get up in the middle
of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always
be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She
will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and compassion
whenever needed." Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God said, "An arm and a leg." Adam
said "What can I get for just a rib?"
The rest is history. (TOP)
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Computers
- Male or Female:
Submitted by Dave Singer
Is your computer male or female?
A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike
their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine
or feminine. Things like "chalk" or "pencil" she described,
would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral.
Puzzled, one student raised his
hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?"
The teacher wasn't certain which
it was, and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide
if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was composed of
the women in the class, and the other, of men. Both groups were asked to
give the reasons for their recommendation.
The group of women concluded that
computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention,
you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data,
but are still clue less.
3. They are supposed to help
you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit
to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have
had a better model.
5. They have a lot of data,
but are still clueless.
6. Big power surges knock
them out for the rest of the night.
The men, on the other hand, decided
that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender
because:
1. No one but their creator
understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they
use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone
else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes
are stored in long term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a
commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories
for it.
5. The message "Bad command
or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad
at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you." (TOP)
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Airline
Stories:
Submitted by Dave Singer
********* Added **
09/04/99 *******
Occasionally, airline attendants
make an effort to make the in-flight safety lecture and their other announcements
a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard
and/or reported:
** "There may be 50 ways to leave
your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."
** As the plane landed and
was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the
loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fellas. WHOA!"
** After a particularly rough
landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest
flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments
because, after a landing like that, sure as the devil - everything has
shifted."
** "Weather at our destinations
is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed
before we arrive. Thank you and remember, nobody loves you, or your
money, more than Southwest Airlines."
** "Your seat cushions can
be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing,
please take them with our compliments."
** Once on a southwest flight,
the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning
off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come
back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."
** "Should the cabin lose
pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place
the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults
acting like children."
** "As you exit the plane,
make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be
distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave
children or spouses."
** "Last one off the plane
must clean it."
** Heard on Southwest Airlines
just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City. The flight attendant
came on the intercom and said: "That was quite a bump and I know
what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's
fault, and it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's
fault. It was the asphalt!"
** Another flight attendants
comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated
as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
** After a real crusher of
a landing in Phoenix, the flight attendant came on with, "Ladies and gentlemen,
please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought
the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And once the
tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the
door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
** Part of a flight attendant's
arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with
us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting
through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of
us here a US Airways."
** And from the pilot during
his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight
attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight."
********** Older Ones Below *********
I once flew on a Southwest flight
where the flight attended added the following remark about the oxygen mask,
"...and unlike our President we strongly recommend that you do inhale."
Another one stated, "Anyone caught smoking on board during the flight will
be taken out onto the wing to be punished." I really like it when
they throw in some off the wall comment to see if you are listening.
An airline pilot wrote that on this
particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard.
The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the
door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for
flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a
hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would
have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little
old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why no Ma'am, what is it?" "Did we land or were we shot down?"
From a Southwest Airlines employee...
"Welcome aboard Southwest Flight
XXX, to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle,
and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't
know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.
In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend
from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your
face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before
assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide
now which you love more. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with
some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive.
Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest
Airlines."
United Airlines FA: "Ladies and
Gentlemen, as you are all now painfully aware, our Captain has landed in
Seattle. From all of us at United Airlines We'd like to thank you for flying
with us today and please be very careful as you open the overhead bins
as you may be killed by falling luggage that shifted during our so called
"touch down."
About 5 or 6 years ago I was on
an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas on a particularly windy
and bumpy
day. I could tell during the final
that the Captain was really having to fight it, and after an extremely
hard landing,
the Flight Attendant come on the
PA and announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain
in your seats with your seatbelt
fastened while the Captain taxies what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
Another flight Attendant's comment
on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated
as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
Upon landing hard, the pilot gets
on the PA system, "Sorry folks for the hard landing. It wasn't the pilot's
fault, and it wasn't the plane's fault. It was the asphalt."
(TOP) (Back
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Poor Fido:
Submitted by Kim Holtzenberg
A man runs into the vet's office
carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to
an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table.
The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the
man that his dog is dead.
The man, clearly agitated and not
willing to accept this, demands a second opinion. The vet goes into
the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the
dogs body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking
and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows.
The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks your
dog is dead too."
The man, finally resigned to the
fate of his dog, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet
answer, "$350."
"$350 to tell me my dog is dead?!"
exclaims the man.
"Well," the vet replies, "I would
have only charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional
$300 was for the cat scan."
(TOP) (Back
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Dirty
Words:
The Daily Joke (TM), Set 1, Volume
6, Issue 5, 6-5-98
A young couple got married &
went on a cruise for their honeymoon. When they got back from the honeymoon,
the bride immediately called her mother.
"Well," said her mom, "how was the
honeymoon?"
"Oh, mom," she replied, "the honeymoon
was wonderful! So romantic, we had a terrific time! But, mom, as soon as
we returned, he began using really horrible language, Stuff I'd never heard
before, really terrible 4-letter words, you've got to come get me and take
me home."
But honey," the mother asked, "what
4-letter words?"
Sobbing, the bride said, "words
like, dust, wash, iron, cook."
Copyright 1998, Salko Technologies,
Inc., All Rights Reserved. Permission is granted to reprint The Daily Joke
as long as this full copyright notice is included, including the subscription
information. (TOP)
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Why?:
Why do they report power outages
on TV?
Why are builders afraid to have
a 13th floor, but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the
way it sounds?
Why are there interstate highways
in Hawaii?
Why is it called rush hour
when everything moves so slow?
Why do they call then
express lanes when during rush hour everything is stopped?
Why is abreviation such a
long word?
If sour milk is used to make
yogurt, how do you know when yogurt has gone bad?
If you have
more Why's please submit them to me at reply1@fountaingateway.com
using the subject of WHY. Thanks (TOP)
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Quotes
From Newspapers:
Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing.
Police begin campaign to run down
jaywalkers.
Two convicts evade noose, jury
hung.
Quarter of a million Chinese live
on water.
Farmer bill dies in house.
Iraqi head seeks arms.
Queen Mary having bottom scraped.
Panda mating fails - veterinarian
takes over.
NJ judge to rule on nude beach.
Dr. Ruth to talk about sex with
newspaper editors.
If you have
more Newspaper Quotes please submit them to me at reply1@fountaingateway.com
using the subject of News Quotes. Thanks (TOP)
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That
will learn Him:
An old man and woman were married
for years, but they hated each other. When they had a fight, screams and
shouts could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard
by the neighbors who feared the man the most. "When I die I will dig my
way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of
your life!"
They believed he practiced black
magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds
at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.
He died abruptly under strange circumstances
and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went began
to praise God and rejoice as if there was no tomorrow. The gaiety of her
actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group
to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this
man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his
way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of
your life?
The wife stopped rejoicing and said,
"let the old sucker dig. I had him buried deep and upside down."
(TOP) (Back
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Murphy's
Household Laws:
A child's eagerness to assist in
any project varies in inverse proportion to his ability to actually do
the work involved.
A newly washed window gathers dirt
at twice the speed of an unwashed one.
The availability of a ball-point
pen is inversely proportional to how badly it is needed.
Three children plus two cookies
equals a fight.
The capacity of any water-heater
is equal to one and a half sibling showers.
A newly-washed window gathers dirt at twice the speed of an unwashed one.
Leftovers always expand to fill all available containers plus one.
The same clutter that will fill a one-car garage will fill a two-car garage.
The number of doors left open varies inversely with the outside temperature.
The potential for disaster is in direct proportion to the number of TV
remote-controls divided by the number of viewers.
What goes up must come down, except bubble gum, spaghetti sauce, and slightly
used cereal!
If you have
more Murphy's Laws please submit them to me at reply1@fountaingateway.com
using the subject of Murphy's Laws. Thanks (TOP)
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The WC:
The Daily Joke (TM), Set 1, Volume
6, Issue 11, 6-11-98
In the days when you couldn't count
on a public facility to have indoor plumbing, an English woman was planning
a trip to Germany.
She was registered to stay in a
small guest house owned by the local schoolmaster. She was concerned
as to whether the guest house contained a WC. In England, a bathroom
is commonly called a WC which stands for water closet. She wrote
the schoolmaster inquiring into the location of the nearest WC.
The school master, not fluent in
English, asked the local priest if he knew the meaning of WC. Together
they pondered possible meanings of the letters and concluded that the lady
wanted to know if there was a "Wayside Chapel" near the house, a bathroom
never entered their minds. So the schoolmaster wrote the following
reply:
Dear Madam,
I take great pleasure in informing
you that the WC is located 9 miles from the house. It is located
in the middle of a grove of pine trees, surrounded by lovely grounds.
It is capable of holding 229 people and is open on Sundays and Thursdays.
As there are many people expected in the summer months, I suggest you arrive
early. There is, however, plenty of standing room. This is
an unfortunate situation especially if you are in the habit of going regularly.
It may be of some interest to you
that my daughter was married in the WC as it was there that she met her
husband. It was a wonderful event. There were 10 people in every
seat. It was wonderful to see the expressions on their faces. My
wife, sadly, has been ill and unable to go recently. It has been
almost a year since she went last, which pains her greatly.
You will be pleased to know that
many people bring their lunch and make a day of it. Others prefer
to wait till the last minute and arrive just in time! I would recommend
your ladyship plan to go on a Thursday as there is an organ acccompaniment.
The acoustics are excellent and even the most delicate sounds can be heard
everywhere. The newest addition is a bell which rings every time a person
enters. We are holding a bazaar to provide plush seats for all since many
feel it is long needed.
I look forward to escorting you
there myself and seating you in a place where you can be seen by all.
Regards,
The Schoolmaster
Copyright 1998, Salko Technologies,
Inc., All Rights Reserved. Permission is granted to reprint The Daily Joke
as long as this full copyright notice is included, including the subscription
information. (TOP)
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I Deduce:
The Daily Joke (TM), Set 1, Volume
6, Issue 12, 6-12-98
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were
on a camping.
They had gone to bed and were lying
there looking up at the sky. Holmes said, "Watson, look up. What do you
see?
"Well, I see lots of stars."
"And what does that mean to you?"
"Well, I guess it means we will
have a nice day tomorrow. What does it mean to you, Holmes?"
"To me, it means someone has stolen
our tent."
Copyright 1998, Salko Technologies,
Inc., All Rights Reserved. Permission is granted to reprint The Daily Joke
as long as this full copyright notice is included, including the subscription
information. (TOP)
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Results
Count:
The Daily Joke (TM), Set 1, Volume
6, Issue 12, 6-12-98
After a preacher died and went to
heaven, he noticed that a New York cab driver had been awarded a higher
place than he. "I don't understand," he complained to Saint Peter. "I devoted
my entire life to my congregation."
"Our policy here in Heaven is to
reward results, " Saint Peter explained. "Now, was your congregation well
attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?"
"Well," the minister had to admit,"
some in the congregation fell asleep from time to time."
"Exactly," said Saint Peter." And
when people rode in this man's taxi, they not only stayed awake, they even
prayed."
Copyright 1998, Salko Technologies,
Inc., All Rights Reserved. Permission is granted to reprint The Daily Joke
as long as this full copyright notice is included, including the subscription
information. (TOP)
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The
Cowboy:
Submitted
by Carl Graham
A cowboy rode
into town and stopped at the bath house for a bath, haircut and meal.
Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on newcomers.
When he finished with his bath and haircut, he found his horse had been
stolen. He comes back into the bathhouse, handily flips his gun into the
air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into
the ceiling. "Who stole my horse?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered.
"I'm gonna
have my meal and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I'm finished,
I'm gonna do what I dun back in Texas and I don't want to have to do what
I dun back in Texas!"
Some of the
locals shifted restlessly. He had his meal, walked outside, and his horse
was back! He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bathhouse
owner wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, what happened in
Texas?"
The cowboy
turned back and said, "I had to walk home!"
(TOP) (Back
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HOW
TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL:
Submitted
by Kim Broach
1.
Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just
as if you were giving a baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "That's a
nice kitty." Drop pill into its mouth.
2.
Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa.
3.
Follow same procedure as in #1, but hold cat's front paws down with left
hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth
with right forefinger.
4.
Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse
to get new cat.)
5.
Again proceed as in #1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle-feeding
position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your
right hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting the upper
jaw
and pop the
pill in quickly. Since your head is down by your knees, you won't be able
to see what you're doing.
That's just
as well.
6.
Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.
7.
If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man, have a good cry.
8.
Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat and
pill. Assuming position #1, say sternly, "Who's the boss here, anyway?"
Open cat's mouth, take pill and...Oooops!
9.
This isn't working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing claws
are causing the chaos.
10.
Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel on floor.
11.
Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.
12.
Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.
13.
Flatten cat's front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse to
flatten cat.)
14.
Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man or woman.
15.
Resume position #1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its mouth
at the jaw hinges like opening the petals
of a snapdragon.
16.
Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila! It's done.
17.
Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).
18.
Take two aspirins and lie down. (TOP)
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How
could You:
The Daily
Joke (TM), Set 1, Volume 6, Issue 13, 6-13-98
Al Davis had
finally put together the perfect Raiders team for '98. The only thing he
was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges, and
even the high schools, and he couldn't find a quarterback that would ensure
a SuperBowl win.
Then one night,
watching CNN, he saw a war zone in Bosnia. In the background, out
of the corner of his eye, he spotted a young Bosnian soldier with a truly
incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th story window
200 yards away! He threw another grenade into a group of about 10 soldiers
a good 110 yards away! A car passes going 80 miles an hour, right
into the barely open window.
"I've got
to get this guy," Al says to himself, "He has the perfect arm!"
So he brings
him to the States and teaches him the game of football. Predictably,
the young man breaks all the NFL records for completed passes, and the
Raiders go on to win the SuperBowl.
The young
Bosnian is lionized as the Great Hero of SuperBowl XXXI, And when Al asks
him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is to call his mother.
"Mom," the
young man says into the receiver, "I just won the SuperBowl."
"I don't want
to talk to you," the old woman says, "You deserted us. You're not my son."
"I don't think
you understand, mother," the young man pleads, "I just won the greatest
sporting event in the world. I'm in the middle of thousands of adoring
fans."
"No, let me
tell you," the mother implores. "At this very moment, there are gun shots
all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two
brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and this
week your sister was attacked in broad daylight..."
The old lady
pauses, in tears, "I'll never forgive you for moving us to Oakland!"
Copyright
© 1998, Salko Technologies, Inc., All Rights Reserved. Permission
is granted to reprint The Daily Joke as long as this full copyright notice
is included, including the subscription information.
(TOP) (Back
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Naughty
Boys:
Submitted
by Mr. Pip
The Daily
Joke (TM), Set 1, Volume 6, Issue 15, 6-15-98
A couple had
two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous.
The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be assured
that if any mischief occurred in their town their two young sons were in
some way involved. The parents were at their wits end as to what to do
about their sons' behavior.
The mother
had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining
children in the past, so she asked her husband if he thought they should
send the boys to speak with the clergyman.
The husband
said, "We might as well. We need to do something before
I really lose my temper!"
The clergyman
agreed to speak with the boys, but asked to see them individually.
The 8-year-old went to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the
boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"
The boy made
no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner
tone, "Where is God?"
Again the
boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more
and shook his finger in the boy's face, "WHERE IS GOD?"
At that the
boy bolted from the room and ran directly home slamming himself in his
closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said,
"What happened?"
The younger
brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they
think we did it!"
Copyright
© 1998, Salko Technologies, Inc., All Rights Reserved. Permission
is granted to reprint The Daily Joke as long as this full copyright notice
is included, including the subscription information.
(TOP) (Back
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Poor
Old Fred:
Submitted
by Mr. Pip
The Daily
Joke (TM), Set 1, Volume 6, Issue 15, 6-15-98
Ol' Fred had
been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death. The family
called their pastor to stand with them. As the pastor stood next to the
bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically
for something to write on.
The pastor
lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last
bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The pastor thought it best
not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.
At the funeral,
as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same
jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died. He said, "You know, ol'
Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but
knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."
He opened
the note, and read, "You're standing on my oxygen tube!"
Copyright
© 1998, Salko Technologies, Inc., All Rights Reserved. Permission
is granted to reprint The Daily Joke as long as this full copyright notice
is included, including the subscription information.
(TOP) (Back
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Side Note:
Contrary to popular belief, it wasn't the apple on the tree that got us
banished from Paradise. It was the pair on the ground.
Dumb
& Dumber:
Submitted By Kim Holtzenberg:
"Dumb and Dumber":
Will the Real Dummy Please Stand Up?! AT&T fired President John
Walter after nine months, saying he lacked "intellectual leadership". He
received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter
who's lacking intelligence.
With a Little Help from Our Friends!:
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman
who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters,
officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting pleas
to come out and give himself up.
What Was Plan B?: An
Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him
to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then
proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
These Nitwits Are Teaching Our Children?:
A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one- day suspension under
his elementary school's drug policy last week - for Certs! Joey Hoeffer
allegedly told a classmate that the mints would make him "jump higher."
AND
A student in Belle, West Virginia
was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop. School
principal Forest Mann reiterated the school's "zero-tolerance" policy...not
to be confused with the "zero-intelligence" policy.
Some Days, It Just Doesn't Pay
to Gnaw Through the Straps: Fire investigators on Maui have determined
the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short
in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This
is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone
broke in and stole my new security system..."
For the Main Course:
A man in Taormina, Italy was hospitalized after swallowing 46 teaspoons,
2 cigarette lighters, and a pair of salad tongs.
The Getaway: A man
walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and asked for all the money in
the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the
store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police
showed up and grabbed him.
Do-It-Yourself Brain Surgery?:
In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police
station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked
officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed
had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled
a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill and
had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain.
Have I Got a Deal for You!:
More than 600 people in Italy wanted to ride in a spaceship badly enough
to pay $10,000 apiece for the first tourist flight to Mars. According to
the Italian police, the would-be space travelers were told to spend their
"next vacation on Mars, amid the splendors of ruined temples and painted
deserts. Ride a Martian camel from oasis to oasis and enjoy the incredible
Martian sunsets. Explore mysterious canals and marvel at the views. Trips
to the moon also available." Authorities believe that the con men
running this scam made off with over six million dollars.
Too Well-Educated:
In Medford, Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless man with an MBA blamed his college
degree for his murder of three people. "There are too many business grads
out there," he said. "If I had chosen another field, all this may not have
happened."
Did I Say That?: Police
in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control
himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to
repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted,
"That's not what I said!"
Ouch, That Smarts!:
A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed
to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently
stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the
door. "He was seen hopping and jumping around," said police spokesman Mike
Carey, "with an explosion taking place inside his pants." Police have the
man's charred trousers in custody.
Are We Not Communicating?:
A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions
are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"
Not the Sharpest Knife in the
Drawer!: In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for
trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used
a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to
keep his hand in his pocket. Hmmm...wonder what he uses for a knife?
(TOP) (Back
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Irritation,
Aggravation & Frustration:
The Daily Joke (TM), Set 1, Volume
6, Issue 18, 6-18-98
A boy asks his father to explain
the differences among irritation, aggravation, and frustration.
Dad picks up the phone and dials
a number at random. When the phone is answered he asks, "Can I speak to
Roger, please?"
"No! There's no one called Roger
here." The person hangs up.
"That's irritation," says Dad.
He picks up the phone again, dials
the same number and asks for Roger a second time.
"No, there's no one here called
Roger. Go away. Don't call again"
"That's aggravation."
"Then what's 'frustration'?" asks
his son.
The father picks up the phone and
dials a third time:
"Hello, this is Roger. Have I received
any phone calls?"
Copyright
© 1998, Salko Technologies, Inc., All Rights Reserved. Permission
is granted to reprint The Daily Joke as long as this full copyright notice
is included, including the subscription information.
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Ask Him:
The Daily Joke (TM), Set 1, Volume
6, Issue 18, 6-18-98
There was this Christian lady that
had to do a lot of traveling for her business so she did a lot of flying.
But flying made her nervous so she always took her Bible along with her
to read and it helped relax her.
One time she was sitting next to
a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible he gave a little chuckle
and went back to what he was doing. After awhile he turned to her and asked
"You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?"
The lady replied "Of course I do
it is the Bible."
He said "Well what about that guy
that was swallowed by that whale?
She replied "Oh, Jonah. Yes
I believe that, it is in the Bible.
He asked "Well, how do you suppose
he survived all that time inside the whale?"
The lady said "Well I don't really
know I guess when I get to heaven I will ask him."
"What if he isn't in heaven?" the
man asked sarcastically.
"Then you can ask him." replied
the lady.
Copyright
© 1998, Salko Technologies, Inc., All Rights Reserved. Permission
is granted to reprint The Daily Joke as long as this full copyright notice
is included, including the subscription information.
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Wanted:
The Daily Joke (TM), Set 1, Volume
6, Issue 21, 6-21-98
Little Johnny's kindergarten class
was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures,
on the bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted men.
One of the youngsters pointed to
a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
"Yes," said the policeman.
"The detectives want him very badly."
So Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't
you keep him when you took his picture?"
Copyright
© 1998, Salko Technologies, Inc., All Rights Reserved. Permission
is granted to reprint The Daily Joke as long as this full copyright notice
is included, including the subscription information.
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I
Was Here First:
The Daily Joke (TM), Set 1, Volume
6, Issue 22, 6-22-98
A new department store announced
that it was going to give out free TVs to the first 100 people who came
to the store on its Grand Opening Day.
The store was scheduled to open
at 9:00 am, but people were already camped out in front of the store by
6:00 am, determined to receive their free TV.
When it was almost 9:00 am, a little
old man walked up to the front of the line, and casually stepped in front
of the first man in line, a big, burly man who had been there since 6:00
am. The big guy wasn't about to let this old guy cut in front of
him, so he pushed the old man out of his way with all of his might!
The little old man got up, dusted
himself off, and walked in front of the big burly man a second time.
Once again, he was pushed away by
the big man, yet he got up, dusted himself off again, and stepped between
the big, burly man and the door a third time!
This kept happening until finally,
a policeman heard the noise and rushed over to hear what the fight was
about.
"Well," said the big burly man,
"I was here at the front of the line since early this morning, and this
old man had the nerve to just push in front of me to the head of the line!"
When asked to tell his side of the
story, the little old man replied, "What that man said is correct. I did
push in front of him several times, and if he keeps shoving me away, I'm
not going to open the store!"
Copyright
© 1998, Salko Technologies, Inc., All Rights Reserved. Permission
is granted to reprint The Daily Joke as long as this full copyright notice
is included, including the subscription information.
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A
Floral Mix Up:
The Daily Joke (TM), Set 1, Volume
6, Issue 23, 6-23-98
A new business was opening and one
of the owner's friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion.
They arrived at the new business
site and the owner read the card; it said "Rest in Peace".
The owner was angry and called the
florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake
and how angry he was, the florist said.
"Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake,
but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there
is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying,
"Congratulations on your new location".
Copyright
© 1998, Salko Technologies, Inc., All Rights Reserved. Permission
is granted to reprint The Daily Joke as long as this full copyright notice
is included, including the subscription information.
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Irritating
Monk:
The Daily Joke (TM), Set 1, Volume
7, Issue 3, 7-3-98
There was once a monk who liked
to peddle flowers in front of a large shopping establishment. He was a
very annoying fellow, who would constantly beseech you to buy his flowers,
and when you refused he would curse you with all the fire and brimstone
he could muster.
This was very annoying to the patrons
of the shopping center, and they began to take their business elsewhere.
The businessmen became upset, because this fellow was driving away all
the shoppers.
One day, one of them got an idea.
He ran off to the cattle yard, and purchased a lamb. He then came back
and climbed to the roof of the building, threw the lamb over the side,
killing the monk below as he was selling his flowers.
The other businessmen came up to
him and asked, "Why did you do that?"
He replied, " I had to. Only ewes
can stop florist friars."
Copyright
© 1998, Salko Technologies, Inc., All Rights Reserved. Permission
is granted to reprint The Daily Joke as long as this full copyright notice
is included, including the subscription information.
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The
Spelling Checker Poem
The Daily Joke (TM), Set 1, Volume
7, Issue 5, 7-5-98
I have a spelling checker.
It came with my PC.
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot see.
Eye ran this poem threw it.
Your sure real glad two no.
Its very polished in its weigh,
My checker tolled me sew.
A checker is a blessing.
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles to
reed,
And aides me when eye rime.
Each frays comes posed up an my
screen
Eye trussed too bee a joule.
The checker pours o'er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.
Bee fore a veiling checkers
Hour spelling mite decline.
And if we're laks oar have a laps,
We wood be maid to wine.
Butt now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
There are know faults with in my
cite,
Of nun eye am a wear.
Now spelling does not phase me,
It does knot bring a tier.
My pay purrs awl due glad den
With wrapped words fare as hear.
To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should be proud,
And wee mussed dew the best wee
can,
Sew flaws are knot aloud.
Sow ewe can sea why aye dew prays
Such soft wear four pea seas,
And why eye brake in two averse
Buy righting want too please.
Copyright
© 1998, Salko Technologies, Inc., All Rights Reserved. Permission
is granted to reprint The Daily Joke as long as this full copyright notice
is included, including the subscription information.
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Things
You Never Hear in Church
The Daily Joke (TM), Set 1, Volume
7, Issue 6, 7-6-98
Hey! It's my turn to sit in the
front pew.
I was so enthralled, I never noticed
your sermon went 25 minutes over.
Personally I find witnessing much
more enjoyable than golf.
Forget the denominational minimum
salary, let's pay our pastor so he can live like we do.
I love it when we sing hymns I've
never heard before!
Copyright
© 1998, Salko Technologies, Inc., All Rights Reserved. Permission
is granted to reprint The Daily Joke as long as this full copyright notice
is included, including the subscription information.
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Pablo:
The Daily Joke (TM), Set 1, Volume
7, Issue 10, 7-10-98
A man named Pablo comes up to the
Mexican border on his bicycle with two large bags over his shoulders. The
border guard stops him and asks, "What's in the bags?"
"Sand," answers Pablo to which the
guard replies, "We'll just see about that"
The guard takes the bags, rips them
apart, empties them out and finds nothing but sand. He detains Pablo overnight
and has the sand analyzed, but discovers that it really is nothing but
pure sand.
Finally, the guard releases Pablo,
puts the sand into new bags, Hefts them onto the man's shoulders and lets
him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens,
Pablo approaches the border on his bicycle with two bags of sand. The guard
asks him, "What have you got?" and Pablo replies, "Sand." Again the guard
does a thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing
but sand. He gives the sand back to Pablo, who crosses the border.
This sequence is repeated every
day for several months until finally the guard is sitting in a Restaurant
in Mexico and Pablo walks in.
"Hey, Buddy," says the guard to
Pablo, "I know you're smuggling something, It's been driving me crazy.
It's all I think about! I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are
you smuggling?"
Pablo sips his coffee and says,
"Bicycles."
Copyright
© 1998, Salko Technologies, Inc., All Rights Reserved. Permission
is granted to reprint The Daily Joke as long as this full copyright notice
is included, including the subscription information.
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Where
Is My Goat
The Daily Joke (TM), Set 1, Volume
7, Issue 11, 7-11-98
Two men hunting come across an old
well, so they decide to see how deep it is. They toss in a small rock.
When they don't hear it hit bottom, they throw in a larger rock. When that
makes no sound, they look for something even larger and find an old truck
transmission, so they drag that to the well and toss it in.
All of a sudden a goat charges through
the underbrush straight for them, and then dives into the well. A while
later, the mystified hunters see an old farmer walking toward them. He
asks if they have seen his goat, so the hunters tell the farmer that his
goat charged at them and dove down the well.
The farmer says "that's impossible,
I tied him to an old transmission."
Copyright
© 1998, Salko Technologies, Inc., All Rights Reserved. Permission
is granted to reprint The Daily Joke as long as this full copyright notice
is included, including the subscription information.
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But
I Am Qualified
The Daily Joke (TM), Set 1, Volume
7, Issue 12, 7-12-98
A local business was looking for
office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following:
"HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer
and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted
up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the
receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked
at it and whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist
got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and
was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined,
so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the
chair and stared at the manager.
The manager said "I can't hire you.
The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down,
went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter.
He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him,
then jumped back on the chair.
The manager was stunned, but then
told the dog "the sign says you have to be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded
to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first
time.
By this time the manager was totally
dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said "I realize that you are
a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However,
I *still* can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went to
a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being
an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said "yes, but the sign
*also* says that you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked at the manager calmly
and said, "Meow!"
Copyright
© 1998, Salko Technologies, Inc., All Rights Reserved. Permission
is granted to reprint The Daily Joke as long as this full copyright notice
is included, including the subscription information.
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International
Dogfight:
The Daily Joke (TM), Set 1, Volume
7, Issue 13, 7-13-98
The Americans and Russians at the
height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner
they were going to blow up the whole world.
One day they sat down and decided
to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They'd have five years
to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won
would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to
lay down its arms.
The Russians found the biggest meanest
Doberman and Rottweilers in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest
Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from
each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. The used steroids
and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog
the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches
thick and nobody could get near it.
"When the day came for the fight,
the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long
Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there
was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian
dog.
"When the cages were opened up,
the Dachshund came out and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There
was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.
The Russians came up to the Americans
shaking their heads in disbelief. `We don't understand how this could have
happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest
Dobermans and Rottweilers in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian
wolves."
"That's nothing", an American replied.
"We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years trying to make
an alligator look like a Dachshund.'
Copyright
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is granted to reprint The Daily Joke as long as this full copyright notice
is included, including the subscription information.
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The
Lord's Baseball Game
From: "Angels Online humor" <humor@aon.net>
Bob was caught up in the spirit
where he and the Lord stood by to observe a baseball game. The Lord's
team was playing Satan's team. The Lord's team was at bat, the score
was tied zero to zero, and it was the bottom of the 9th inning with two
outs. They continued to watch as a batter stepped up to the plate whose
name was Love. Love swung at the first pitch and hit a single, because
Love never fails.
The next batter was named Faith,
who also got a single because Faith works with Love.
The next batter up was named Godly
Wisdom. Satan wound up and threw the first pitch. Godly Wisdom
looked it over and let it pass, because Godly Wisdom does not swing at
Satan's pitches.
Ball one. Three more pitches and
Godly Wisdom walked, because Godly wisdom never swings at Satan's throws.
The bases were loaded. The Lord then turned to Bob and told him He
was now going to bring in His star player. Up to the plate stepped
Grace. Bob said he sure did not look like much!
Satan's whole team relaxed when
they saw Grace. Thinking he had won the game, Satan wound up and
fired his first pitch. To the shock of everyone, Grace hit the ball
harder than anyone had ever seen. But Satan was not worried; his
center fielder, the Prince of the air, let very few get by.
He went up for the ball, but it
went right through his glove, hit him on the head, and sent him crashing
on the ground; then it continued over the fence for a home run! The
Lord's team won.
The Lord then asked Bob if he knew
why Love, Faith, and Godly Wisdom could get on base but could not win the
game. Bob answered that he did not know why.
The Lord explained, "If your love,
faith and wisdom had won the game you would think you had done it by yourself.
Love, faith and wisdom will get you on base, but only My grace can get
you home. My grace is the one thing Satan can not stop.
(TOP) (Back
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Died
In Service or "The Placque":
Submitted By Dave Singer
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed
little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of
the church. The plaque was covered with names, and small American
flags were mounted on either side of it.
The quiet, studious seven-year old
had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up,
stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."
"Good morning Pastor", replied the
young man, still focused on the plaque.
Finally, Alex looked at his elder
companion, "Pastor McGhee, what is this?" Alex asked.
"Well, son, it's a memorial to all
the young men and women who died in the service."
Alex gently frowned, his eyes widened,
and then he looked back at the plaque with great concern. Soberly,
they stood together for a few more minutes, staring at the large plaque.
Again, Alex looked back at the Pastor...the
little boy's voice was barely audible when he asked, "Which service....the
9:00 or the 11:00?"
(TOP) (Back
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Employment
in America
From: Carl_Graham
These are taken from resumes and
cover letters that were printed in the July 21, 1997 issue of Fortune Magazine.
The spelling is exactly the way it appeared in the magazine.
1. I demand a salary
commiserate with my extensive experience.
2. I have lurnt Word
Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms.
3. Received a plague
for Salesperson of the Year.
4. Reason for leaving
last job: maturity leave.
5. Wholly responsible
for two (2) failed financial institutions.
6. Failed bar exam
with relatively high grades.
7. It's best for employers
that I not work with people.
8. Let's meet, so you
can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience.
9. You will want me
to be Head Honcho in no time.
10. Am a perfectionist and
rarely if if ever forget details.
11. I was working for my
mom until she decided to move.
12. Marital status: single.
Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments.
13. I have an excellent track
record, although I am not a horse.
14. I am loyal to my employer
at all costs... Please free to respond to my resume on my office voice
mail.
15. I have become completely
paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.
16. My goal is to be a meteorologist.
But since I possess no training in meterology, I suppose I should try stock
brokerage.
17. I procrastinate, especially
when the task is unpleasant.
18. As indicted, I have over
five years of analyzing investments.
19 Personal interests:
donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.
20. Instrumental in ruining
entire operation for a Midwest chain store.
21. Note: Please don't miscontrue
my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job.
22. Marital status: often.
Children: various.
23. Reason for leaving last
job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 am every morning.
Could not work under those conditions.
24. The company made me a
scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.
25. Finished eighth in my
class of ten.
26. References: None.
I've left a path of destruction behind me.
---------------------------------------------------------------
... and what better accompaniment
for quotes from real resumes than quotes from actual performance evaluations:
1. Since my last report,
this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. His men would follow
him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
3. I would not allow
this employee to breed.
4. This associate is
really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be.
5. Works well when
under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
6. When she opens her
mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously
in there.
7. He would be out
of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
8. This young lady
has delusions of adequacy.
9. He sets low personal
standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
10. This employee should go far
- and the sooner he starts, the better.
11. This employee is depriving
a village somewhere of an idiot. (TOP)
(Back
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YOU
MIGHT BE ADDICTED TO THE INTERNET IF...
* your service provider calls *you*
for tech support
* someone at school or work tells
you a joke and you say "LOL!"
* three words: carpal tunnel syndrome
* you come home from somewhere
and wait for your friends to say "re."
* you get a second phone line,
just so you can call for pizza.
* you raise your hand in school
and say "BRB."
* you begin to say hehehe instead
of laughing.
* you know and regularly use more
than 10 different ways to smile in ascii text. :)
* when someone says, "What did
you say?," you automatically say "scroll up!"
* you marry your cybergirl/boyfriend
and the two of you sit across the room in the honeymoon suite, typing love
messages to each other.
--author unknown (TOP)
(Back
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God's
sense of humor!
From: Gene Richards
The Reverend Francis Norton woke
up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny
early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he told the Associate
Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that
day.
As soon as the Associate Pastor
left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about
forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone
he knew from his Parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After
all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!
At about this time, Saint Peter
leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed,
"You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"
The Lord sighed, and said, "No,
I guess not."
Just then Father Norton hit the
ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled
up and fell into the hole. IT WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!
St. Peter was astonished. He looked
at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"
The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's
he going to tell?"
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New Lessons
From: "hunt, josh"
Dear All,
Some of you have seen this no doubt,
but thought I would share with you in case you haven't!
A young preacher who had never pastored
was being interviewed by a committee who was considering him for the position
of pastor.
The chairman asked, "Son, do you
know the Bible?"
He said, "Yes, sir. I really
know the Bible."
The chairman continued, "What part
of the Bible do you know best?"
"Well, I know the New Testament
the best."
The chairman said, "Tell us something
you know about the New Testament. Tell the committee what you know about
the prodigal son."
He said, "All right. There was a
man of the Pharisees named Nicodemus, who went down to Jericho by night.
And he fell upon stony ground and the thorns did choke him half to death.
The next morning Solomon and his wife Gomorrah came by and carried him
down to the ark and told Moses to take care of him. But as he was
going thorough the eastern gate into the ark, he caught his hair on a limb,
and he hung there 40 days and 40 nights. And he would afterwards
hunger, but the ravens came and fed him. "The next day the three
wise men came and carried him down to the boat dock and he caught a ship
to Nineveh. When he got there he found Delilah sitting on the wall.
He said, 'Chunck her down, boys. 'And they said, 'How many times shall
we chunck her down?' 'Til 7 times 7?' And he said, 'Nay, but 70 times
7,' and they chunked her down 490 times. And she burst asunder in
their midst. And they picked up 12 baskets of the fragments; and
in the resurrection, who wife will she be?"
And the chairman said, "Fellows,
I think we ought to call him. He's awful young, but he sure knows
his Bible."
ISN'T THAT WILD! THAT YOUNG
FELLA NEEDS TO CHECK THE VERSION HE READ!!!
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