Entry Into Heaven
Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him,
"You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will
go to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?" Einstein ponders for
a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?"
Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear.
Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of
relativity.
Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really ARE Einstein!" he says.
"Welcome to heaven!"
The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials.
Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?"
Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."
Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with
just a few strokes of chalk.
Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!" he
says. "Come on in!"
Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his
head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How
can you prove yours?"
George W. looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"
Saint Peter sighs and says, "Come on in, George." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Old Trucker
A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three very large,
leathered bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his
cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter.
The second walked up to the old man, spat into the old man's milk and then he
too took a seat at the counter.
The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then
he took a seat at the counter.
Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner.
Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much
of a man, was he?"
The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either, he just backed his
big-rig over three motorcycles." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Cats and Teens
For all of you with teenagers or who have had teenagers, or are a teenager,
you may want to know why they really have a lot in common with cats:
- Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.
- No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane
efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them
hand and foot.
- You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human
being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants
to be seen in public with his or her parents.
- Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor your teen
will ever crack a smile.
- No cat or teenager shares you taste in music.
- Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without
moving, barely breathing.
- Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.
- Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating that
ultimate human ecstasy -- a sense of complete and utter boredom.
- Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone's furniture.
- Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to return in
the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your bedroom. Teenagers are
not above that sort of behavior.
Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best sources of advice are not other
parents, but veterinarians. It is also a good idea to keep a guidebook on cats
at hand at all times. And remember, above all else, put out the food and do not
make any sudden moves in their direction. When they make up their minds, they
will finally come to you for some affection and comfort, and it will be a
triumphant moment for all concerned. (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Fun With Kids
I was driving with my two young children one warm summer evening when a woman
in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I
gasped from the shock, I heard my five-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom!
That lady isn't wearing her seat belt!"
When my daughter was four, we took her to the movies to see Snow White and
The Seven Dwarfs. The wicked queen appeared, disguised as an old lady selling
apples, and my daughter was fascinated. Then Snow White took a bite of the
poisoned apple and fell to the ground unconscious. As the apple rolled away, my
daughter piped up, "See, Mom. She doesn't like the skin either!"
My four-year-old son came running out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped
his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. He
stood there for a moment, looking very worried, then ran to my bathroom and came
out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a smile, "We better throw
this one out too then, Mom, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago."
A busy mother was trying hard to get lunch ready, and pounding on the ketchup
to get it to come out of the bottle. The phone rang and she asked her young
daughter to answer it. "It's the minister, Mom," the child said. "Tell him I'll
call him back," said Mom. The little girl turned to the phone and said, "Mommy
can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle!" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
FBI
Orders Pizza!
FBI agents once conducted a raid of a
psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical
insurance fraud. After many hours of reviewing records and making notes, the
dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite, so someone suggested they
order pizza. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza
parlor to order dinner for the group, and the following conversation was
recorded...
Agent: Hello. I'd like to order 20
large pizzas and four cases of soda.
Pizza Man: And where would you like
those delivered?
Agent: We're over at the psychiatric
hospital.
Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI
agent.
Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent?
Agent: That's correct. Just about
everybody here is.
Pizza Man: And you're at the
psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's correct. And make sure
you don't go through the front doors. We have them locked. Bring the pizzas
around to the back service entrance.
Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI
agents?
Agent: That's right. How soon can you
have them here?
Pizza Man: Everyone at the
psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?
Agent: Right. We've been here all day
and we're starving.
Pizza Man: How are you going to pay
for all of this?
Agent: I have my checkbook right
here.
Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents?
Agent: That's right. Everyone here is
an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service
entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.
Pizza Man: I don't think so. *CLICK* (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
BANK HICCUPS
While waiting in line at the bank, a co-worker developed a very loud case of
hiccups.
By the time he reached the teller's window, the hiccups had worsened.
The teller took my friend's check, and proceeded to run a computer
verification of his account.
After a minute, she looked up from her terminal with a frown, and said that
she would be unable to cash his check.
"Why not?" my friend asked incredulously.
"I'm sorry, sir," she replied, "but our computer indicates that you do not
have sufficient funds to cover this amount. As a matter of fact," she continued,
"our records show your account overdrawn in excess of $5000."
"It can't be!" he cried. "You have to be kidding!"
"Yes, I am," she answered with a smile, counting out his cash.
"But you will notice that your hiccups are gone." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Trivia
1. The citrus soda 7-UP was created
in 1929; "7" was selected because the original containers were 7 ounces. "UP"
indicated the direction of the bubbles.
2. Mosquito repellents don't repel.
They hide you. The spray block the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're
there.
3. Dentists have recommended that a
toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne
particles resulting from the flush. (eeewwww)!
4. The liquid inside young coconuts
can be used as substitute for blood plasma.
5. American car horns beep in the
tone of F.
6. No piece of paper can be folded
more than 7 times.
7. Donkeys kill more people annually
than plane crashes. (this one I find hard to believe)
8. 1 in every 4 Americans has
appeared on television.
9. You burn more calories sleeping
than you do watching television.
10. Oak trees do not produce acorns
until they are fifty years of age or older.
11. The first product to have a bar
code was Wrigley's gum.
12. The king of hearts is the only
king without a mustache.
13. A Boeing 747s wingspan is longer
than the Wright brother's first flight.
14. American Airlines saved $40,000
in 1987 by eliminating 1 olive from each salad served in first-class.
15. Venus is the only planet that
rotates clockwise.
16. The first CD pressed in the US
was Bruce Springsteen's "Born in the USA."
17. Apples, not caffeine, are more
efficient at waking you up in the morning.
18. The 57 on the Heinz ketchup
bottle represents the number of varieties of pickles the company once had.
19. The plastic things on the end of
shoelaces are called aglets.
20. Most dust particles in your house
are made from dead skin. (eeewww again)!
21. The first owner of the Marlboro
company died of lung cancer.
22. Barbie's full name is Barbara
Millicent Roberts.
23. Betsy Ross is the only real
person to ever have been the head on a Pez dispenser.
24. Michael Jordan makes more money
from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.
(that's pitiful)
25. Adolf Hitler's mother seriously
considered having an abortion but was talked out of it by her doctor.
26. Marilyn Monroe had six toes.
27. All US Presidents have worn
glasses. Some just didn't like being seen wearing them in public.
28. Walt Disney was afraid of mice.
29. The sound of E.T. walking was
made by someone squishing her hands in jelly.
30. Debra Winger was the voice of E.T.
31. Pearls melt in vinegar.
32. It takes 3,000 cows to supply the
NFL with enough leather for a year's supply of footballs.
33. Thirty-five percent of the people
who use personal ads for dating are already married. (hmmmmm)
34. The three most valuable brand
names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.
35. It is possible to lead a cow
upstairs...but not downstairs.
36. Average life span of a major
league baseball: seven pitches.
37. A duck's quack doesn't echo and
no one knows why.
38. The reason firehouses have
circular stairways is from the days when the engines were pulled by horses. The
horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight
staircases.
39. Richard Milhouse Nixon was the
first US president whose name contains all the letters from the word "criminal."
40. The second? William Jefferson
Clinton
41. Almonds are not really nuts, but
a member of the peach family.
42. Eskimos use refrigerators to keep
food FROM freezing.
43. Polar bears are left-handed!
44. The name Wendy was made up for
the book "Peter Pan."
45. Jimmy Carter was the first U.S.
president to have been born in a hospital.
46. The Bible has been translated
into Klingon.
47. A cockroach can live without its
head, until it starves to death.
48. The highest point in Pennsylvania
is lower than the lowest point in Colorado.
49. The flea can jump 350 times its
body length. That's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
50. Butterflies taste with their
feet!
51. According to surveys, on average
people fear spiders more than they fear death.
52. The first toilet ever seen on
television was on "Leave It to Beaver".
53. Pound for pound, hamburgers cost
more than new cars!
54. The first couple to be shown in
bed together on prime time TV was Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
55. Coca-Cola was originally green.
56. Every day more money is printed
for Monopoly than the US Treasury.
57. Men can read smaller print than
women can; women can hear better.
58. The state with the highest
percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
59. The percentage of Africa that is
wilderness: 28% (now get this...)
60. The percentage of North America
that is wilderness: 38%
61. The cost of raising a medium-size
dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
62. The average number of people
airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000
63. Intelligent people have more zinc
and copper in their hair.
64. The world's youngest parents were
8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.
65. The youngest pope was 11 years
old.
66. The first novel ever written on a
typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
67. Those San Francisco Cable cars
are the only mobile National Monuments.
68. Each king in a deck of playing
cards represents a great king from history: - Spades: King David - Hearts:
Charlemagne, - Clubs: Alexander, the Great - Diamonds: Julius Caesar
69. 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 =
12,345,678,987,654,321
70. If a statue in the park of a
person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If
the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds
received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person
died of natural causes.
71. Only two people signed the
Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most
of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5
years later.
72. "I am." is the shortest complete
sentence in the English language.
73. Hershey's Kisses are called that
because the machine that makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt.
74. The only two days of the year in
which there are no professional sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day
before and the day after the Major League all-stars Game.
75. Q. What occurs more often in
December than any other month? A. Conception.
76. Q. What separates "60 Minutes,"
on CBS from every other TV show? A. No theme song.
77. Q. Half of all Americans live
within 50 miles of what? A. Their birthplace.
78. Q. Most boat owners name their
boats. What is the most popular boat name requested? A. Obsession.
79. Q. If you were to spell out
numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"? A.
One thousand.
80. Q. What do bulletproof vests,
fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? A. All
invented by women.
81. Q. What is the only food that
doesn't spoil? A. Honey
82. Q. There are more collect calls
on this day than any other day of the year? A. Father's Day.
83. Q. What trivia fact about Mel
Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) is the most ironic? A. He was allergic to carrots.
84. Q. What is an activity performed
by 40% of all people at a party? A. Snoop in your medicine cabinet.
85. In Shakespeare's time, mattresses
were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress
tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase "goodnight, sleep
tight".
86. It was the accepted practice in
Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father
would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey
beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the
honey month or what we know today as the honeymoon.
87. In English pubs, ale is ordered
by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender
would yell at them mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's where
we get the phrase: "mind your P's and Q's".
88. Many years ago in England, pub
frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups.
When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your
whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.
89. In Scotland, a new game was
invented. It was entitled Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden... and thus the word
GOLF entered into the English language. (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Christian and Bear
There's a Christian who's hiking in the woods one day when he comes upon an
angry bear.
The bear stood up on its hind legs and growled ferociously, clearly preparing
to charge.
In panic, the Christian started to run, but the bear followed close on his
heels.
Finally the hiker came to a cliff. So he dropped to his knees and asked God
to please make this bear a good Christian bear.
To the hiker's amazement, the bear suddenly stopped growling, fell to his
knees and folded his paws together in prayer!
"Thank you, Lord!" exclaimed the Christian.
"Thank you, Lord!" exclaimed the bear, "for this meal I'm about to receive!" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Bathroom Changes
A woman goes to the doctor's and says, "Doctor, Doctor, you have to help me.
Every time I go to the bathroom, DIMES come out!" The doctor tells her to relax,
go home, rest with her feet up and come back in a week.
A week later the woman returns and says, "Doctor, Doctor, it's gotten worse!
Every time I go to the bathroom, QUARTERS come out!! What's wrong with me?"
Again the doctor tells her to relax, go home, rest with her feet up and come
back in a week.
Another week passes and the woman returns and yells, "Doctor, Doctor, I'm
still not getting better! Every time I go to the bathroom, HALF-DOLLARS come
out! WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH ME?!!"
The doctor says, "Relax, Relax,... you're just going through the change!" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Farmer Joe
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough
to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court,
the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"
"Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie
into the--"
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the
question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"
"Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road--"
"Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident,
this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now
several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is
a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time the Judge
was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and told the lawyer so.
"Well," said the farmer, "as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my
favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this
huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the
side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was
hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie
moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear
Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he
took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across
the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, "Your mule was in
such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
HAVING A BAD DAY?
If you think YOUR day is going bad, just check out this story!
Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out section of
forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was
dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on his back, flippers, and
facemask.
A post-mortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but from
massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification.
Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clad diver ended up in the
middle of a forest fire.
It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving off the
coast, some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters, seeking to control the
fire as quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of helicopters with very
large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and emptied at the site of
the forest fire.
You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific,
the next, he was doing the breast stroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the
air. Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed. (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
The Joy Of Exercise
For my birthday this year my wife purchased me a week of private lessons at
the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on the
varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and
try it.
I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is a
26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model. My wife seemed very
pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started. They suggested I keep an
"exercise diary" to chart my progress:
Day 1 - Started the morning at 6:00 AM. Tough to get up, but worth it when I
arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She's something of a
goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines
and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She seemed a little
alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing next to her in that
outfit of hers added about ten points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class.
Tanya was very encouraging as I did my sit ups, though my gut was already aching
a little from holding it in the whole time I was talking to her. This is going
to be GREAT.
Day 2 - Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it.
Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air. Then
she put weights on it, for heaven's sake! Legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made it all worth while.
Muscles ALL feel GREAT.
Day 3 - The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth brush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am certain that I have
developed a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagen. Tanya was a little impatient with me and
said my screaming was bothering the other club members. The treadmill hurt my
chest so I did the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate
an activity rendered obsolete by the invention of elevators? Tanya told me
regular exercise would make me live longer. I can't imagine anything worse.
Day 4 - Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. I
can't help it if I was half an hour late, it took me that long just to tie my
shoes. She wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The word "dumb"
must be in there for a reason. I hid in the men's room until she sent Lars
looking for me. As punishment she made me try the rowing machine. It sank.
Day 5 - I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other human
being in the history of the world. If there was any part of my body not in
extreme pain I would hit her with it. She thought it would be a good idea to
work on my triceps. Well I have news for you Tanya - I don't have triceps. And
if you don't want dents in the floor don't hand me any barbells. I refuse to
accept responsibility for the damage, YOU went to sadist school, YOU are to
blame. The treadmill flung me back into a science teacher, which hurt like
crazy. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like a music teacher, or social
studies?
Day 6 - Got Tanya's message on my answering machine, wondering where I am. I
lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven straight hours of
the weather channel.
Day 7 - Well, that's the week. Thank goodness that's over. Maybe next time my
wife will give me something a little more fun, like a gift certificate for a
root canal. (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
1997 Darwin Awards
[AP, Mammoth Lakes, CA] A San Anselmo man died yesterday when he hit a lift
tower at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a foam
pad, authorities said. Matthew David Hubal, 22, was pronounced dead at Centinela
Mammoth Hospital. The accident occurred about 3 a.m., the Mono County Sheriff's
Department said. Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run called
Stump Alley and undid some yellow foam protectors from the lift towers, said
Lieutenant Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department. The pads are
used to protect skiers who might hit the towers. The group apparently used the
pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower. It has since
been investigated that the tower he hit was the one with its pad removed.
[AP, St. Louis, MO] Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a
St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call police, Puelo grabbed a hot
dog, shoved it in his mouth, and walked out without paying for it. Police found
him unconscious in front of the store: paramedics removed the six-inch wiener
from his throat, where it had choked him to death.
[UPI, Spain] To poacher Marino Malerba, who shot a stag standing above him on
an overhanging rock - and was killed instantly when it fell on him.
[Associated Press, Kincaid, W. VA] Man Loses Face at Party. A man at a party
popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that
blew off his lips, teeth and tongue, state police said Wednesday. Jerry Stromyer,
24, of Dincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during a party late Tuesday
night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne. "Another man had it in an aquarium, hooked to a
battery, and trying to explode it," Payne said. "It wouldn't go off and this guy
said, "I'll show you how to set it off." "He put it in his mouth and bit down.
It blew all his teeth off, his tongue and his lips." Payne said. Stromyer was
listed in guarded condition Wednesday with extensive facial injuries, according
to a spokesman at Charleston Area Medical Division. "I just can't imagine anyone
doing something like that," Payne said.
[UPI, Portland, OR] Doctors at Portland's University Hospital said that
Wednesday an Oregon man shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be
alive, and will be released soon from the hospital. Tony Roberts, 25, lost his
right eye last weekend during an initiation into a men's rafting club, Mountain
Men Anonymous, in Grants Pass, Ore. A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his
head, but the arrow entered Roberts' right eye. Doctors said had the arrow gone
1millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel would have cut and Roberts would
have died instantly. Neurosurgeon Dr. Johnny Delashaw at the university Hospital
in Portland said the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of brain, with the tip
protruding at the rear of his skill, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood
vessels. Delashaw also said had Robert tried to pull the arrow out on his own he
surely would have killed himself. Roberts admitted afterwards he and his friends
had been drinking that afternoon. Said Roberts, "I feel so dumb about this." No
charges have been filed but the Josephine County district attorney's office said
the initiation stunt is under investigation.
[AP, Arkansas] Pillsbury DoughBoy Wanted for Attempted Murder. A woman named
Linda went to Arkansas last week to visit her in-laws, and while there, went to
a store. She parked next to a car with a woman sitting in it, her eyes closed
and hands behind her head, apparently sleeping. When Linda came out a while
later, she again saw the woman, her hands still behind her head but with her
eyes open. She looked very strange, so Linda tapped on the window and said "Are
you okay?" The woman answered "I've been shot in the head, and I am holding my
brains in." Linda didn't know what to do; so she ran into the store where store
officials called the paramedics. They had to break into the car because the door
was locked. When they got in, they found that the woman had bread dough on the
back of her head and in her hands. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded,
apparently from the heat in the car, making a loud explosion like that of a
gunshot, and hit her in the head. When she reached back to find what it was, she
felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She passed out from fright at
first, then attempted to hold her brain in! (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Cross-Country
When we moved cross-country, my wife and I decided to drive both of our cars.
Tommy, our nine-year-old, worriedly asked, "How will we keep from getting
separated?"
"We'll drive slowly so that one car can follow the other," I reassured him.
"Yeah, but what if we DO get separated?" Tommy persisted.
"Well, then I guess we'll never see each other again," I quipped.
"Okay," he said. "I'm riding with Mom." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Apostle
It was really tough work being an Apostle of Jesus. Can you imagine the
hours? What if you wanted a day off? So you call up Jesus and say, "Jesus, I'm
sick today, running a little fever and feeling congested so I won't be able to
make it to today's Sermon.......what ........say that again, you say I'm cured?" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
You know you are an e-mail
addict when...
1) You wake up at 2 a.m. to go to the
bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
2) You get a tattoo that reads "This
body best viewed with Internet Explorer 2.0 or higher."
3) You name your children Eudora,
Mozillia and Dotcom.
4) You turn off your modem and get
this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
5) You spend half the plane trip with
your laptop on your lap and your child in the overhead compartment.
6) You decide to stay in college for
an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.
7) You laugh at people with 9600-baud
modems.
8) You start using smilies in snail
mail.
9) Your hard drive crashes. You
haven't logged in for two hours. You start to twitch. You pick up the phone and
manually dial your ISP's access number. You try to hum to communicate with the
modem .... and you succeed.
10) You find yourself typing "com"
after every period when using a word processor.com
11) You refer to going to the
bathroom as "downloading."
12) You start introducing yourself as
"JohnDoe at AOL dot com."
13) Your cat has its own home page.
14) All of your friends have an @ in
their names.
15) You can't call your mother ....
she doesn't have a modem.
16) You check your e-mail. It says
"No new messages." So you check it again.
17) Your phone bill comes to your
doorstep in a box.
18) You move into a new house and
decide to Netscape before you landscape.
19) You tell the cab driver you live
at http://1000.Madison.ridge/house/brick.html"
20) You get up at 4:45 am and login
so you can use the computer before your husband gets up and hogs it for the rest
of the day! (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Mind Games Dogs Play With Humans
After your humans give you a bath, Don't Let them Towel Dry you! Instead, run
to their bed, jump up and dry yourself off on the sheets. This is especially
good if it's right before your humans bedtime.
Act like a convicted criminal. When the humans come home, put your ears back,
tail between your legs, chin down and act as if you have done something really
bad. Then, watch as the humans frantically search the house for the damage they
think you have caused. (Note: This only works when you have done absolutely
nothing wrong.) Let the humans teach you a brand new trick. Learn it perfectly.
Then the humans try to demonstrate it to someone else, stare blankly back at the
humans. Pretend you have no idea what they're talking about.
Make your humans be patient. When you go outside to go 'pee', sniff around
the entire yard as your humans wait. Act as if the spot you choose to go pee
will ultimately decide the fate of the earth.
Draw attention to the human. When out for a walk always pick the busiest,
most visible spot to go 'poo'. Take your time and make sure everyone watches.
This works particularly well if your humans have forgotten to bring a plastic
bag.
When out for a walk, alternate between choking and coughing every time a
strange human walks by.
Make your own rules. Don't always bring back the stick when playing fetch
with the humans. Make them go and chase it once in a while.
Hide from your humans. When your humans come home, don't greet them at the
door. Instead, hide from them, and make them think something terrible has
happened to you. (Don't reappear until one of your humans is panic-stricken and
close to tears).
When your human calls you to come back in, always take your time. Walk as
slowly as possible back to the door.
Wake up twenty minutes before the alarm clock is set to go off and make the
humans take you out for your morning pee. As soon as you get back inside, fall
asleep. (Humans can rarely fall back asleep after going outside, this will drive
them nuts!) (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Dog Bite
There was a hound dog laying in the yard. An old man in overalls was sitting
on the porch. "Excuse me, Sir, but does your dog bite?", the tourist asked. The
old man replied, "Nope."
So the tourist stepped out of his car. The dog ran over snarling and growling
and bit him on his arms and legs. As the dog was dragging him away the tourist
was flailing around in the dust and yelled, "I thought you said your dog didn't
bit!"
The old man replied, "Ain't my dog." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Senior Personal Ads:
- FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired
beauty, 80's, slim,5'-4" (used to be 5-6), searching for sharp-looking,
sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
- LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just
buried fourth husband looking for someone to round out a six- unit plot.
Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.
- SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks,
sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get
together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
- WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original
teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and
caramel candy.
- BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still
like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the air
guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together
and listen to my boss collection of eight-track tapes.
- MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through
Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two
heads together.
- MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good
condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't
in running condition, but walks well. (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Male vs. Female At ATM's:
MALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Wind down your car window
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt
6. Wind up window
7. Drive off.
FEMALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to cash machine
2. Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine
3. Re-start stalled engine
4. Wind down the window
5. Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate card
6. Locate make-up bag and check make-up in rear view mirror
7. Attempt to insert card into machine
8. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance
from car
9. Insert card
10. Re-insert card the right way up
11. Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page
12. Enter PIN
13. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN
14. Enter amount of cash required
15. Re-check make-up in rear view mirror
16. Retrieve cash and receipt
17. Empty handbag again to locate purse and put cash inside
18. Place receipt in back of cheque book
19. Re-check make-up again
20. Drive forward two meters
21. Reverse back to cash machine
22. Retrieve card
23. Re-empty handbag, locate card holder and place card into the slot provided
24. Re-check make-up
25. Re-start stalled engine and move off
26. Drive for 3 - 4 miles
27. Release hand brake (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Did you see it?
This old man was a witness in a burglary case. The defense lawyer asks Sam,
"Did you see my client commit this burglary?"
"Yes," said Sam , "I saw him plainly take the goods."
The lawyer asks Sam again, "Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw
my client commit this crime?"
"Yes" says Sam, "I saw him do it."
Then the lawyer asks Sam, "Sam listen, you are 80 years old and your eye
sight probably is bad. Just how far can you see at night?"
Sam says, "I can see the moon, how far is that...?" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
A Fishy Story
A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing
at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be
gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've
been wanting, so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out
my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the
house to pick my things up. Oh! And please pack my new blue silk pajamas."
The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does
exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little
tired but otherwise looking good.
The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish. He says, "Yes!
Lots of Walleye, some Blue gill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new
blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"
The wife replies; "I did, they were in your tackle box." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Very Fast!
There was a Japanese man who went to America for sightseeing. On the last
day, he hailed a cab and told the driver to drive to the airport. During the
journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the
window excitedly and yelled, "Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!"
After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Japanese man leaned
out of the window and yelled, "Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!"
And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese
leaned out of the window and yelled, "Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!"
The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite
a number of cars. Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was US$300.
The Japanese exclaimed, "Wah... so expensive!"
There upon, the driver yelled back, "Meter, very fast! Made in Japan!" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
