The chauffeur
When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he
usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One
night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein
mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks &
manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.
"I have and idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech
so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you."
Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!"
When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and
jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition
of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.
Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about
anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience
know that he was nobody's fool.
Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare
and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my
chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Blonde Hunter
One day, three friends go hunting. Only one is very good, so the second two
plan to watch him and learn from what he does. They arrive at the hunting cabin,
and get all set up. The next day, the first hunter goes out. He returns with a
big deer. The second two guys ask him how he did that. They can't believe how
big the deer is.
"It was easy. Found the tracks, followed the tracks, BAM! Shot the deer."
The next day, the second hunter goes out, and comes back with an even bigger
deer. The third guy's eyes bug out when he sees it, and he asks him how he did
it.
"Same thing the first guy did. Found the tracks, followed the tracks, BAM!
Shot the deer."
So on the third day, the last guy goes out to hunt. He doesn't come back for
a very long time. When he staggers into the cabin, rifle gone, all beat up and
bruised, with only one boot, the other two are very surprised.
They ask him what happened.
"Well, I found the tracks, followed the tracks and BAM! Got run over by a
train." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
What's That Noise
This fellow is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his backyard.
He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various chainsaws.
The dealer tells him, "Look, I have a lot of models, but why don't you save
yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get the top-of- the-line model. This
chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day."
So, the man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After
cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, he decides to quit. He
thinks there is something wrong with the chainsaw. "How can I cut for hours and
only cut two cords?" the man asks himself. "I will begin first thing in the
morning and cut all day," the man tells himself.
So, the next morning the man gets up at 4 am in the morning and cuts and
cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and still he only manages to cut five cords.
The man is convinced this is a bad saw. "The dealer told me it would cut one
hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem. I will take this saw back to the
dealer," the man says to himself.
The very next day the man brings the saw back to the dealer and explains the
problem. The dealer, baffled by the man's claim, removes the chainsaw from the
case. The dealer says, "Hmm, it looks fine."
Then the dealer starts the chainsaw, to which the man responds, "What's that
noise? (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Hearing Problems
A young man was having some money problems, and needed $200 to get his car
fixed and roadworthy again. But had run out of people to borrow from. So, he
calls his parents via the operator, and reverses the charge and says to his
father. "I need to borrow two hundred dollars," he says. At the other end, his
father says, "Sorry, I can't hear you, son, I think there may be a bad line."
The boy shouts, "Two hundred. I need two hundred dollars!"
"Sorry, I still can't hear you clearly," says his father.
The operator cuts in, "Sorry to butt in, But I can hear him perfectly
clearly."
The father says, "Good. YOU send him the money!" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Moses (Yes You Heard
Right) and Computers
"Excuse me, Sir."
"Is that you again, Moses?"
"I'm afraid it is, Sir."
"What is it this time, Moses; more computer problems?"
"How did you guess?"
"I don't have to guess, Moses. Remember?"
"Oh, yes; I forgot."
"Tell me what you want, Moses."
"But you already know; remember?"
"Moses!"
"Sorry, Sir."
"Well, go ahead, Moses; spit it out."
"Well, I have a question, Sir. You know those 'ten things' you sent me?"
"You mean the Ten Commandments, Moses?"
"That's it. I was wondering if they were important."
"What do you mean 'were important', Moses? Of course, they are important.
Otherwise, I would not have sent them to you."
"Well - sorry, Sir, but I lost them. I could say the dog ate them; but, of
course, you would see right through that."
"What do you mean 'you lost them'? Are you trying to tell me you didn't save
them, Moses?"
"No, Sir; I forgot."
"You should always save, Moses."
"Yes, I know. You told me that before. I was going to, but I forgot. I did
send them to some people before I lost them though."
"And did you hear back from any of them?"
"You already know I did. What about the one guy who said he never uses 'shalt
not'? May he change the words a little bit?"
"Yes, Moses, as long as he does not change the meaning."
"And what about the guy who thought your stance was a little harsh, and
recommended calling them the 'Ten Suggestions,' or letting people pick one or
two to try for a while?"
"Moses, I will act like I did not hear that."
"I think that means 'no.' Well, what about the guy who said I was scamming
him?"
"I think the term is 'spamming,' Moses."
"Oh, yes. I e-mailed him back and told him I don't even eat that stuff, and I
have no idea how you can send it to someone through a computer."
"And what did he say?"
"You know what he said. He used Your name in vain. You don't think he might
have sent me one of those - er - plagues, and that's the reason I lost those ten
things, do you?"
"They are called 'viruses,' Moses."
"Whatever! This computer stuff is just too much for me. Can we just go back
to those stone tablets? It was hard on my back taking them out and reading them
each day, but at least I never lost them."
"We will do it the new way, Moses."
"I was afraid you would say that, Sir."
"Moses, what did I tell you to do if you messed up?"
"You told me to hold up this rat and stretch it out toward the computer."
"It's a mouse, Moses. Mouse! Mouse! And did you do that?"
"No, I decided to try the technical support first. After all, who knows more
about this stuff than you, and I really like your hours. By the way, Sir, did
Noah have two of these mice on the ark?"
"No, Moses."
"One other thing. Why did you not name them 'frogs' instead of 'mice,'
because did you not tell me the thing they sit on is a pad?"
"I did not name them, Moses. Man did, and you can call yours a frog if you
want to."
"Oh, that explains it. Kind of like Adam, huh, Sir? I bet some woman told him
to call it a mouse. After all, was it not a woman who named one of the computers
Apple?"
"Say good night, Moses."
"Wait a minute, Sir. I am stretching out the mouse, and it seems to be
working. Yes, a couple of the 'ten things' have come back."
"Which ones are they, Moses?"
"Let me see. 'Thou shalt not steal from any grave an image' and 'Thou shalt
not uncover thy neighbor's wife.'"
"Turn the computer off, Moses. I'm sending you another set of stone tablets." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Voices
I was alone in the elevator when a voice came on the intercom and asked if
any lights on the control panel were lit. The elevator's computer was having
problems, the voice explained. As I was replying, a man stepped in and I could
see from the expression on his face that he thought I was talking to myself. I
told him that I was speaking to the intercom, but, to my dismay, the device
remained silent. "Come on," I pleaded into the speaker. "This guy thinks I'm
crazy." No response. We reached the man's floor and he exited. But just as the
door closed, a hearty laugh came over the intercom. "Did he get off?" the voice
asked. "I'm sorry, but I just couldn't resist!" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Another New Survivor Series
The producers of "Survivor" plan to enlist 12 men for their next TV
adventure.
Each man will be dropped in an unidentified suburb with a van, six kids (each
of whom play 2 sports AND take dance or music lessons), and no access to fast
food.
They must keep the house clean, correct all homework (receiving at least a C+
on all papers), complete one science project.
They must cook (OK, they can bring one cookbook), do dishes & laundry, etc.
Oh, and they also have access to television only when the kids are asleep and
all of the chores are done.
And oh,...none of the televisions have remotes.
PLUS they have to shave their legs and wear makeup which they must apply
themselves either while driving or while making all six lunches.
Competitions will consist of such things as attending a PTA meeting and
accurately reporting the results, cleaning up after a sick child at 3 a.m.,
making an Indian hut with six toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker, and getting
a 4 year old to eat a serving of peas.
The kids get to vote them off. (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Bull Delivery
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order
to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so
that they can breed their own stock. The brunette balances their checkbook, then
takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize
bull for sale.
Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the
bull, I’ll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the man’s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she
does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less.
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram
to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to
my sister telling her that I’ve bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch
the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he’ll be glad to help her, then adds,
"It’s just 99 cents a word."
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes
that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word.
After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her
the word, ‘comfortable.’"
The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that
you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to
haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, ‘comfortable’?"
The brunette explains, "My sister’s blonde. She’ll read it very slow." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Ways to Make a Telemarketer Go
Away
1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy
and you could sure use some money. Ask, "How long can I keep it? Do I have to
ever pay it back, or is it like the other money I borrowed before my
bankruptcy?"
2. If you get one of those pushy people who won't shut up, just listen to
their sales pitch. When they try to close the sale, tell them that you'll need
to go get your credit card. Then, just set the phone down and go do laundry,
shopping or whatever. See how long that commission based scum waits for you to
get your credit card.
3. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to
know?" Or you can say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care
these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes
are sore, my dog just died...." When they try to get back to the sales process,
just continue on with telling about your problems.
4. If the person says he's Joe Doe from the ABC Company, ask him to spell his
name, then ask him to spell the company name, then ask where it is located.
Continue asking personal questions or questions about the company for as long as
necessary.
5. This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Julie
and I'm with Dodger & Peck Services.... You: "Hang on a second." (few seconds
pause) "Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are you wearing?"
6. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, "Julie!! Is
this really you? I can't believe it! Julie, how have you BEEN?" Hopefully, this
will give Julie a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where
the heck she could know you from.
7. Say, "No," over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep
an even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can
keep going until they hang up.
8. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends
plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster, "I don't have any
friends...would you be my friend?"
9. If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how about goat
blood or HUMAN blood - chicken blood too?"
10. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary
feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh-huh, really, or, "That's fascinating."
Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all
flustered, but just tell them you couldn't give your credit card number to
someone who's a complete stranger.
11. Tell them you work for the same company they work for. Example:
Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Widget & Associates." You: "Widget &
Associates!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?" Telemarketer:
"Uh, Dallas, Texas." You: "Great, they have a group there too? How's
business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling to
employees! Oh well, see ya."
12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their phone
number you will call them back. If they say they are not allowed to give out
their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call
them at home (this is usually the most effective method of getting rid of
Telemarketers). If the person says, "Well, I don't really want to get a call at
home," say, "Ya! Now you know how I feel." (smiling, of course...) (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Doggie Pledge
- I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.
- "Kitty box crunchies" are not food.
- The computer's mouse is, unlike a real mouse, inedible.
- I will not eat the disposable diapers, especially the dirty
ones.
- I will not play tug-o'-war with Dad's underwear when he's
on the toilet
- I will not eat any more socks and then re-deposit them in
the backyard after processing.
- I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
- I will not chew crayons or pens, 'specially not the red
ones so my people will think I am dying.
- I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
- I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose up
her ear.
- I will not burn rubber through the open car window and into
the fast food restaurant, no matter how good it smells.
- I will not throw up in the car.
- I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for
Mom's driver's license and car registration.
- When in the car, I will not insist on having the window
rolled down when it's raining outside.
- I must shake the rainwater out of my fur *before* entering
the house.
- I will not drop soggy tennis balls in the underwear of
someone who is sitting on the toilet.
- I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the
back yard with it.
- The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom and Dad's
laps.
- We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear
one on TV.
- I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying
under the coffee table.
- My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
- I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
- The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Ears
A person with two burnt ears went to the doctor, who asked what had happened.
"The phone rang, and I accidentally picked up the iron."
"What about the other one?"
"They called back." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
A Real Watch Dog
A blind man walked into a bank with his seeing-eye dog that guided him
everywhere. He walked into the center of the bank floor, took the dog by the
chain, and started swinging him around his head.
Everyone stopped what they were doing and looked. The other customers were
very confused and some very upset at the way the animal was being treated. One
of the tellers ran up to the blind man and asked, ''Sir, what are you doing!?!''
The man turned toward the teller and simply said ''Looking around.'' (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Animal Noises
A group of young children were sitting in a circle with their teacher. She
was going around in turn asking them all questions.
"Davy, what noise does a cow make?"
"It goes moo."
"Alice, what noise does a cat make?"
"It goes meow."
"Jamie, what sound does a lamb make?"
"It goes baaa."
"Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make?"
"Errr.., it goes.. click!" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
One Wish
A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a Genie's lamp.
She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared. The amazed
woman asked if she was going to receive the usual three wishes.
The Genie said, "Nope... due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wages in
third-world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one
wish. So...what'll it be?"
The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See
this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."
The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Gadzooks, lady! These countries
have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good, but not THAT good! I don't
think it can be done. Make another wish."
The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find
the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps
with the housecleaning, is a good lover and gets along with my family, doesn't
watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That's what I wish for ... a good
mate."
The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Lady, let me see that map again!" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
The Family Bible
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered
through the old pages.
Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked
at it.
What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
"Mama, look what I found", the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?"
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's
underwear!" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
HOW TO PUT AN ELEPHANT
INTO A REFRIGERATOR:
Analysis: 1) Differentiate it and put into the refrig. Then integrate it in
the refrig. 2) Redefine the measure on the referigerator (or the elephant). 3)
Apply the Banach-Tarsky theorem.
Number theory: 1) First factorize, second multiply. 2) Use induction. You can
always squeeze a bit more in.
Algebra: 1) Step 1. Show that the parts of it can be put into the refrig.
Step 2. Show that the refrig. is closed under the addition. 2) Take the
appropriate universal refrigerator and get a surjection from refrigerator to
elephant.
Topology: 1) Have it swallow the refrig. and turn inside out. 2) Make a
refrig. with the Klein bottle. 3) The elephant is homeomorphic to a smaller
elephant. 4) The elephant is compact, so it can be put into a finite collection
of refrigerators. That's usually good enough. 5) The property of being inside
the referigerator is hereditary. So, take the elephant's mother, cremate it, and
show that the ashes fit inside the refrigerator. 6) For those who object to
method 3 because it's cruel to animals. Put the elephant's BABY in the
refrigerator.
Algebraic topology: Replace the interior of the refrigerator by its universal
cover, R^3.
Linear algebra: 1) Put just its basis and span it in the refrig. 2) Show that
1% of the elephant will fit inside the refrigerator. By linearity, x% will fit
for any x.
Affine geometry: There is an affine transformation putting the elephant into
the refrigerator.
Set theory: 1) It's very easy! refrigerator = { elephant } 2) The elephant
and the interior of the refrigerator both have cardinality c.
Geometry: Declare the following: Axiom 1. An elephant can be put into a
refrigerator.
Complex analysis: Put the refrig. at the origin and the elephant outside the
unit circle. Then get the image under the inversion.
Numerical analysis: 1) Put just its trunk and refer the rest to the error
term. 2) Work it out using the Pentium.
Statistics: 1) bright statistician. Put its tail as a sample and say "Done."
2) dull statistician. Repeat the experiment pushing the elephant to the refrig.
3) Our NEW study shows that you CAN'T put the elephant in the refrigerator. (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Potatoes
One night there was three fugitives escaping from jail.
One was blonde, one was brunette and the other was a red-head.
They had the police hot on their trail and quickly thinking the brunette points
out an old, abandoned factory perfect for hiding in.
When all three were inside the red-head, quickly thinking said they should all
hid in old potato sacks in the corner as they could hear the police approaching
the factory.
They all got in their little potato sacks and barely a minute later the police
came crashing through the door.
They looked at the sacks and said
'Hmm maybe they are hiding in these'
The officer kicks the Red-head's sack and she makes whimpering noises.
'Hmm just puppies in that sack'
The officer kicks the Brunette's sack and she makes mewing noises.
'Hmm just kittens in that sack' He says.
He finally kicks the blonde's sack and he hears....
'POTATOES POTATOES!' (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Space Monkeys
NASA decided to send a shuttle into space with two monkeys and an astronaut.
They trained them for months. Then when they thought they were all ready, they
placed all three in the shuttle and got ready to send them up into space. As the
moment came closer NASA's mission control center announced, "This is mission
control to Monkey One. Do your stuff."
At that the first monkey started typing like mad and suddenly the shuttle's
engines ignited and the shuttle took off.
Two hours later NASA's mission control center announced, "This is mission
control to Monkey Two. Do your stuff."
At that the second monkey started typing like mad and suddenly the shuttle
separated from the empty fuel tanks.
Another two hours later NASA's mission control center announced, "This is
mission control to the astronaut..."
At this the astronaut shouted "I know, I know. Feed the monkeys and don't
touch anything." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Trouble Remembering Things
An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they
decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong
with them.
When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the
problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the
doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing
things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the
doctor and left.
Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his
wife asked, "Where are you going?"
He replied, "To the kitchen."
She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
He replied, "Sure."
She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can
remember it?"
He said, "No, I can remember that."
She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had
better write that down because I know you'll forget that."
He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with
strawberries."
She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will
forget that so you better write it down."
With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I
can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of
bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily:
"I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Our Great Media
The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
The New York Times is read by people who think they run the country.
The Washington Post is read by people who think they should run the country.
USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't
really understand the Washington Post. They do, however, like their smog
statistics shown in pie charts.
The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the
country, if they could spare the time, and if they didn't have to leave L.A. to
do it.
The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and
they did a far superior job of it, thank you very much.
The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running
the country, and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.
The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country
either, as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while
intoxicated.
The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a
country, or that anyone is running it; but whoever it is, they oppose all they
stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped
minority feministic atheist dwarfs, who also happen to be illegal aliens from
ANY country or galaxy as long as they are democrats.
The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country, but need
the baseball scores.
The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.
What would we do without the media?????? (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Freezer Meals
I have changed my system for labeling homemade freezer meals. I used to
carefully note in large clear letters, "Meatloaf" or "Pot Roast" or "Steak and
Vegetables or "Chicken and Dumplings" or "Beef Pot Pie."
However, I used to get frustrated when I asked my husband what he wanted for
dinner because he never asked for any of those things. So, I decided to stock
the freezer with what he really likes.
If you look in my freezer now you'll see a whole new set of labels. You'll
find dinners with neat little tags that say: "Whatever," "Anything," "I Don't
Know," "I Don't Care," "Something Good," or "Food." My frustration is now
reduced because no matter what my husband replies when I ask him what he wants
for dinner, I know that it is there waiting. (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Pulling Out Teeth
One day a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to
extract wisdom teeth. "Eighty dollars," the dentist says.
"That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?"
"Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anesthetic, I can knock it
down to $60."
"That's still too expensive," the man says.
"Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth
out with a pair of pliers, I could get away with charging $20."
"Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much."
"Hmm," says the dentist, scratching his head. "If I let one of my students do
it for the experience, I suppose I could charge you just $10."
"Marvelous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday!" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Judgments
Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One's a brunette, one's a
redhead, and one's a blonde.
Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has
any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . .
."
Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks
around. She manages to escape.
The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if
she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . .
Aim . . ."
The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and
looks around. She too escapes execution.
By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards
bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She
also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The blonde shouts, "fire!!" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
What day is it?
Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't
know what day this is." "Of course I do," he indignantly answered, going out the
door to the office.
At 10 AM, the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was
handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1 PM, a foil wrapped,
two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived . Later, a boutique delivered a
designer dress.
The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home.
"First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!" she exclaimed.
"I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Seeing-Eye Dog
Two men who are out walking their dogs meet on a street corner. One says to
the other, "Boy I'm sure getting hungry. I'd really like to go into a restaurant
and get a sandwich, but the sign on the front door says, "No Pets Allowed," and
I can't leave Fido alone on the street."
The other man replies, "No problem, just stand by the door and watch me, and
you'll be having that sandwich real soon!" The second man reaches into his
pocket and puts on a pair of dark sunglasses, and then walks into the
restaurant.
The waiter looks up and says, "Hey buddy, you can't bring that dog in here!"
The man says, "But I'm blind, and this is my seeing-eye dog!" The waiter says,
"Oh, okay then." The man sits and orders.
The first man then puts on dark sunglasses and goes into the restaurant. The
waiter looks up and says, "Hey buddy, you can't bring that dog in here!" The man
says, "But I'm blind, and this is my seeing-eye dog!"
The waiter says, "Oh really? I've never heard of a Chihuahua seeing-eye dog!"
The man, thinking quickly, blurts out, "Oh, man! You mean they gave me a
Chihuahua?" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Predicting Dog
It's common practice in England to ring a telephone by signaling extra
voltage across one side of the two wire circuit and ground. When the subscriber
answers the phone, it switches to the two wire circuit for the conversation.
This method allows two parties on the same line to be signaled without
disturbing each other.
Anyway, an elderly lady with several pets called to say that her telephone
failed to ring when her friends called; and that on the few occasions when it
did ring her dog always barked first. The telephone repairman proceeded to the
scene, curious to see this psychic dog.
He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the
subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring. He tried again. The dog barked
loudly, followed by a ringing telephone.
Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1. A dog was tied to the telephone system's ground post via an iron chain and
collar.
2. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current.
3. After several such jolts, the dog would start barking and peeing on the
ground.
4. The wet ground now completed the circuit and the phone would ring.
Which shows you that some problems can be fixed by just peeing on them. (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Tombstone
A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to
inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer."
The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for
passers - by would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone.
However he suggested an alternative. He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was
both honest and a lawyer."
That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be
certain to remark, "That's Strange." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Hunting Dog
An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended
when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck.
Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.
He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by
nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog. As they waited by the
shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded
and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked
across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. The
friend saw everything but did not say a single word.
On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything
unusual about my new dog?"
"I sure did," responded his friend. "He can't swim." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Prophet
Fellow 1 : "Now my grandfather, he knew the exact day of the year that he was
going to die. It was the right year too. Not only that, but he knew what time he
would die that day, and he was right about that too."
Fellow 2 : "Wow, that's Incredible. How did he know all of that?"
Fellow 1 : "A judge told him." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
