Marriage Counseling
After just a few years of marriage filled with constant arguments, a young
man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try
counseling. They had been at each other's throats for some time and felt that
this was their last straw.
When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in
and opened the floor for discussion. "What seems to be the problem?"
Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. In
contrast, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour, describing all the wrongs
within their marriage.
After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her,
picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately and sat her back down.
Afterwards, the wife sat speechless.
The marriage counselor looked over at the husband, who stared in disbelief.
The counselor said to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"
The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays
and Thursdays." (Gotcha!) (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
U.N. Tries To Hide
Endangered Wildlife
LOS ANGELES, CA (AheadOfNews.com)
- After years of trying without success to protect endangered elephants, rhinos,
and gorillas from poachers, the United Nations Environment Programme (UNEP) is
trying another approach.
"We're hiding them," says Norman Alepho, Director of Special Operations for
UNEP. "We've hired airbrush artists to paint camouflage patterns on them, and
then we release them in different parts of the world."
So far, the program is working out pretty well, according to Alepho, although
the "urban release" trial has had some unexpected issues.
A man who was stocking fruit in at an outdoor fruit and vegetables market was
surprised when what he thought was a stack of orange crates suddenly "came
alive" and stole a bunch of bananas.
In another incident, a man who thought he was standing next to a large green
dumpster suddenly found himself shin-deep in elephant poo.
"There are a few wrinkles to work out," says Alepho, "but so far it's working
out OK. The animals seem to be adapting to it fairly well, also, although we do
have one black rhino who thinks he actually is a Ford Expedition. But that isn't
really much of a problem, either, except around mating season."
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Creation Story As Told By
The Dog
On the first day of creation, God created the dog.
On the second day, God created man to serve the dog.
On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth (especially the
horse) to serve as potential food for the dog.
On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the
good of the dog.
On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that the dog might or
might not retrieve it.
On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the dog healthy,
and the man broke.
On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to walk the dog. (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Little Johnny is Crying
Little Johnny came downstairs bellowing lustily. His mother asked, "What's
the matter now?"
"Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb with a hammer," said Johnny
through his tears.
"That's not so serious," soothed his mother. "I know you're upset, but a big
boy like you shouldn't cry at something like that. Why didn't you just laugh?"
"I did!" sobbed Johnny. (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
College Money
A kid called up his mom from his college and asked her for some money,
because he ran out of it. Mom said, 'Sure, sweetie. I'll send you some money.
You also left your calculus book here when you visited 2 weeks ago. Do you want
me to send that up too?'
'Uh, oh yeah, OK,' responded the kid.
So Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad
goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book.
When she gets back, Dad asked, 'Well how much did you give the boy this time?
Mom said, 'Oh, I wrote 2 checks, one for $20, and the other for $1000'
'That's $1020!!!' yelled Dad, 'Are you crazy???'
'Don't worry hon,' Mom said, as she kissed Dad on the on top of his bald
head, 'I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1000 one
somewhere between the pages in Chapter 19!' (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Johnny's Lies
Little Johnny is constantly late for school and what's worse is that he
always has a big lie explaining why. The teacher tells the principal that she
has had it with his exaggerations. The principal tells her to send Johnny to him
the next time he shows up late. He will tell Johnny a lie so big that he will
never tell another one. Ever. The next day, Johnny shows up 2 hours late. Johnny
says, "I was 2 hours early today so I had time to fish in the pond on my way to
school. I caught a 17-pound trout and had to take it home. If I didn't clean it
and freeze it, my mom would've been angry. That's why I'm so late".
The teacher promptly takes him to the principal's office and explains the
story to the principal.
The principal tells Johnny about his own trip to school that day. He says, "I
was walking to school through the park on the trail today when I heard something
behind me. I turned around and was shocked to see a giant grizzly bear behind
me. He was 24 feet tall and had 6-inch fangs. He was going to eat me, Johnny!
Just then a little dog ran out from the bushes, jumped up and attacked the bear.
The little dog killed the bear and then ate the whole bear right there in front
of me. What do you think of that, Johnny?"
Johnny replies, "Oh yeah, that's my dog Sparky. That's his third bear this
week." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Quotes from FAMOUS MOTHERS!
PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER: "I don't care where you think you have to go, young
man. Midnight is past your curfew!"
HUMPTY DUMPTY'S MOTHER: "Humpty, If I've told you once, I've told you a
hundred times not to sit on that wall. But would you listen to me?"
COLUMBUS' MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered, Christopher. You
still could have written!"
MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER: "Why can't you draw on the walls like the other
children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the
ceiling?"
NAPOLEON'S MOTHER: "All right, Napoleon. Take your hand out of there and let
me see what you're hiding!"
MONA LISA'S MOTHER: "After all that money your father and I spent on braces,
Mona, that's the biggest smile you can give us?"
ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER: "But Albert, it's your senior picture. Can't you do
something about your hair?"
BATMAN'S MOTHER: "It's a very nice car, Bruce, but do you realize how much
the insurance is going to cost?"
GOLDILOCKS' MOTHER: "I've got a bill here for a broken chair from the Bear
family. Do you know anything about this, Goldie?"
LITTLE MISS MUFFET'S MOTHER: "All I've got to say is, if you don't get off
your tuffet and start cleaning your room, there'll be a lot more spiders around
here!"
GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER: "The next time I catch you throwing money across
the river, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"
CUSTER'S MOTHER: "Now, George, remember what I told you... don't go biting
off more than you can chew!"
JONAH'S MOTHER: "That's a nice story, Jonah. Now tell me where you've really
been for the last three days."
SUPERMAN'S MOTHER: "Clark, your father and I have discussed it, and we've
decided you can have your own telephone booth."
THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER: "Of course I'm proud of your inventions, Thomas. Now
turn off that light and get to bed!" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Alligator Woes
Two alligators are sitting on the edge of a swamp. The small one turns to the
big one and says; I don't understand how you can be so much bigger than me.
We're the same age, we were the same size as kids... I just don't get it."
"Well," says the big alligator, "what have you been eating?"
"Lawyers, same as you," replies the small alligator.
"Hm. Well, where do you catch'em?"
"Down at that law firm on the edge of the swamp."
"Same here. Hm. How do you catch'em?"
"Well, I crawl under a BMW and wait for someone to unlock the door. Then I
jump out, bite'em, shake the tarnations out of 'em, and eat'em!"
"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. See, by the time
you get done shakin' the s*** out of a lawyer, there's nothing left but lips and
a briefcase..." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Show and Tell Birth Stories
by Irene Zutell (a grade school teacher)
Usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model
airplanes,
pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any
boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it to school and talk
about it, they're welcome.
Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very out-going kid,
takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed
under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant. "This is Luke, my baby
brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday. First, Mommy and Daddy
made him as a symbol of their love, and then Daddy put a seed in my mother's
stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella
cord." She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to
laugh and wishing I had a video camera rolling. The other kids are watching her
in amazement.
"Then, about two Saturdays ago, my mother starts going, 'Oh, oh, oh!'" Erica
puts a hand behind her back and groans. "She walked around the house for, like
an hour, "Oh, oh, oh!'" Now the kid's doing this hysterical duck-walk, holding
her back and groaning. "My father called the middle wife. She delivers babies,
but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my mother
to lie down in bed like this." Erica lies down with her back against the wall.
"And then, pop! My mother had this bag of water she kept in there in case he
got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!"
The kid has
her legs spread and with her little hands is miming water flowing away. It was
too much!
"Then the middle wife starts going push, push, and breathe, breathe. They
start counting, but they never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out
comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff they said was from the
play-center, so there must be a lot of stuff inside there."
Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm
sure I applauded the loudest.
Ever since then, if it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder - just in
case another Erica comes along. (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
A matter of
perspective 3
This guy was in an institution to get evaluated to see if he was alright to
live in the outside world. One day as he was looking over the wall watching the
traffic, a truck pulled up to the stop sign. It was an open-bed truck with a
tarp over it. The guy looking over the wall shouted, "Hey driver, what do you
have in the truck that smells so bad?" The driver said, "I got a load of horse
manure I'm taking home to spread on my strawberries." The guy at the wall says,
"And they got ME in here for mental tests." The truck driver says; "What do you
mean?" The guy at the wall says; "Well, I usually put sugar and cream on my
strawberries! (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Survivor 2002 (Not my dad but might be my
brother!?)
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Signs You Have A Bad Computer
-
1. Whenever you turn it on, all
the dogs in your neighborhood start howling. The screen often displays the
message, "Ain't it break time yet?" The manual contains only one sentence: "Good
Luck!" The only chip inside is a Dorito. You've decided that your computer is an
excellent addition to your fabulous paperweight collection.
-
2. The "quick reference" manual
is 120 pages long.
-
3. It's slogan is "Pentium:
redefining mathematics".
-
4. In order to start it you
need some jumper cables and a friend's car.
-
5. Lower corner of screen has
the words "Etch-a-sketch" on it.
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Idiot's
Two guys were working at a sawmill one day when one of the guys got too
close to the blade and cut off his arm. His buddy put the severed arm in a
plastic bag and rushed it down to the hospital to get re-attached. The
next day he goes to see his chum, and finds him playing tennis.
"Incredible!," says his friend. "Medical science is amazing."
Another month goes by and the same two guys are again at the sawmill working
when the same guy gets too close to the spinning blade and this time his leg
gets cut off. Again his buddy takes the leg, puts it in a plastic bag and takes
it to the hospital to get re-attached. The next day, he goes down to see his
chum and finds him outside playing football. "Incredible!," says his friend.
"Medical science is amazing!"
Well another month goes by and again the same two friends are at the mill
cutting wood when suddenly the same guy bends down too close to the blade and
off comes his head. Well his friend takes the head, puts it in a plastic bag,
and heads to the hospital to get it re-attached. The next day he goes to see his
friend but can't find him. He sees the doctor walking down the hall and says,
"Doc, where is my friend? I brought him in yesterday." The doctor thinks for a
minute and says, "Oh yeah, some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he
suffocated." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Attacked by the Priest (Note:
I usually do not ~ webmaster ~ put jokes dealing with Alcohol on the website ~
but this one gives a good example of what Alcohol can do.)
Father Delany was walking home after his sermon late one night when he came
upon an intoxicated tramp on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the man,
"Do you live here?" "Yesh," the man slowly replied.
"Would you like me to help you upstairs?" the father asked. "Yesh," the man
slowly sputtered.
When they got up to the second floor, the father asked,
"Is this your floor?" "Yesh," again the man replied.
Then Father Delany got to thinking that maybe he didn't want to face the
man's irate wife because she may think he was the one who got the man drunk. So
he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it, then went back
downstairs. Lo and behold, when the father went back outside, there was another
tramp lying on the sidewalk. So he asked that man
"Do you live here?" "Yesh."
"Would you like me to help you upstairs?" "Yesh."
So he did and pushed him in the same door with the first tramp. Then the
father went back downstairs, where, to his surprise, there was another tramp.
Before the priest got to him, the tramp staggered over to a policeman and
cried out, "For God's sake, offisher, protect me from thish man. He'sh been
takin' me upstairsh and throwing me down the fire escape all night!" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
$2 BILLS
When the U.S. Mint reissued two-dollar bills, I thought they might someday
become collectors' items.
I went to the bank and picked up a hundred, serially numbered and still in
their original band.
On my next trip to my parents' house, I gave the $200 to my mother, and said,
"Take good care of these. They might be worth something someday."
Several months later, I asked Mom if she was keeping the two-dollar bills
safe.
"Oh, yes!" she replied. "I deposited them in the bank the day after you
left." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Deer Blinds
As part of their "ranch" holiday, a guy takes his wife hunting. When they
reach their deer blinds, the guy says, "If you shoot a deer, be sure you don't
let anybody else say he's the one who shot it. Otherwise, he'll take the deer
from you. The deer belongs to whoever shoots it." The guy goes to his own blind.
Ten minutes later, he hears his wife shooting from her blind nearby.
He rushes over and finds her pointing her rifle at a cowboy who's shouting,
"OK, lady, OK! You can have the deer! Just lemme get my saddle off it!" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Two Dollar Prize
One day at kindergarten, the teacher says to the class of five-year-olds,
"I'll give $2 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever
lived." An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "Please miss, it was St.
Patrick."
The teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that's not correct." Then a Scottish boy put
his hand up and said, "Please miss, it was St. Andrew." The teacher replied,
"I'm sorry Hamish, that's not right either." Finally, a Jewish boy raised his
hand and said, "Please miss, it was Jesus Christ." The teacher said, "That's
absolutely right Hymie, come up here and I'll give you your $2."
As the teacher was giving Hymie his money, she said "You know Hymie, you
being Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ," to which Hymie
replied, "I know miss, in my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is
business." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
REDNECK LOVE POME
Collards is green,
My dog's name is Blue
And ain't I so lucky
To have a sweet thang like you.
Yore hair is like cornsilk
Flappin' in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's
And without all them fleas.
You move like the bass,
Which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales
But I luv you anyway.
Yo're as hot as okra
A-fryin' in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as snuff
Right outa the can.
You have some'a yore teeth,
For which I am proud;
I hold my head high
When we're in a crowd.
On special occasions,
When you shave under yore arms,
Well, I'm in hawg heaven,
And awed by yore charms.
All the fellers at work,
They all wanna know,
What I did to deserve
Such a purdy young doe.
Like a good roll of duct tape
Yo're there fer yore man,
To patch up life's troubles
And fix what you can.
Yo're as cute as a june bug
A-buzzin' overhead,
You ain't mean like them far ants
I found in my bed.
Cut from the best cloth
Like a good flannel shirt,
You spark up my life
More'n a fresh load of dirt.
When you hold me real tight
Like a padded gun rack,
My life is complete,
There ain't nothin' I lack.
Yore complexion's perfection,
Like the best vinyl sidin'.
Despite all the years,
Yore age it keeps hidin'.
Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie
With a RC cold drank,
We go together
Like a skunk goes with stank.
Some men, they buy chocolate
For Valentine's Day,
They git it at Wal-Mart,
It's romantic that way.
Some men git roses
On this special day
From the cooler at Kroger.
Well that's nice, I say.
Some men buy fine diamonds
From a flea market booth.
"Diamonds is forever,"
They explain, suave and couth.
But for this man, honey,
That stuff jes won't do.
Cause yo're too special,
You sweet thang you.
I got you a gift,
Without no taste or odor,
More useful than diamonds...
IT'S A NEW TROLLIN' MOTOR! (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Need Good Home!
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
