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Women Drivers!!
Driving to the office this morning on the I-81, I looked over to my left and
there was a woman in a brand new BMW doing 85 MPH per hour with her face up next
to her rear view mirror putting on her eye liner!
I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway
over in my lane, still working on that makeup !!! It scared me (I'm a man) so
bad, I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand.
In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees
against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell
into the coffee between my legs, splashed and burned, ruined the phone and
DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL. WOMEN DRIVERS !!!!!!!!!!!!
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Fire & Flood
A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him
what he was doing there. The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I
bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds.
What are you doing here?"
The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi?
Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds."
The lawyer looked puzzled. "Gee," he asked, "how did you start the flood?"
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Popsicles Car (Lots Of
Scraping Here!)
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Levi's Shuffle
I believed I have discovered a new
dance,
it wasn't on purpose, it happened by
chance.
While putting on my jeans, I had a
real struggle,
so I thought I would call it the Levi
Shuffle.
One hand grabs the dresser, or maybe
the wall,
anything around you so you don't
fall.
It's quite a show if you are the
viewer,
but really risky if you are the doer.
Do the Levi Shuffle, be sure you
don't fall,
be very careful, and don't dent the
wall.
Make sure you grab something quite
sturdy,
remember this dance wasn't meant to
be dirty.
I never believed that while getting
dressed,
I'd discover a dance, I must be
blessed.
I finally managed to get my left leg
in,
then while trying to finish, it
started again.
I hopped and skipped, and jumped
around the room,
it would have been handy, if I 'd had
a broom,
to use as a crutch to keep me
upright,
as I continued this dance until
daylight.
So if you ever have to get up before
dawn,
try this shuffle as you put your
jeans on.
As you stumble around and you hop and
skip,
watch out for that pant leg, or
you'll probably trip.
Don't land on the dresser, the floor,
or the bed,
just be real careful, and don't crack
your head.
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Golfing At An Advanced Age
"How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy.
"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad, I couldn't
see where the ball went."
"You're seventy-five years old, Jack!" admonished his wife. "Why don't you
take my brother Scott along?"
"But he's eighty-five and doesn't even play golf anymore," protested Jack.
"Yes, but he's got perfect eyesight and can watch your ball for you," Tracy
pointed out.
The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung and the ball
disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Did you see where it went?" asked
Jack.
"Yup," Scott answered.
"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.
"I forgot."
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Cleaned Up (My Kids!)
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Pope Visits Ohio
On a tour of Ohio, the Pope took a couple of days off his itinerary to visit
Lake Erie on an impromptu sightseeing trip. His 4X4 Popemobile was driving along
the beautiful shoreline when there was an enormous commotion heard just off the
headland. They rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene, the
Pope noticed in the water a hapless man wearing a Michigan football jersey,
struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 12 foot sturgeon. At
that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing Ohio State football jerseys
roared into view from around the point. Spontaneously, one of the men took aim
and fired a harpoon into the sturgeon' ribs, immobilizing it instantly. The
other two reached out and pulled the Michigan man from the water and then, using
long clubs, beat the fish to death. They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious
man into the boat along with the dead sturgeon and then prepared for a hasty
retreat when they heard frantic shouting from the shore. It was the Pope and he
summoned them to the beach.
After they reached shore, the Pope went into raptures about the rescue and
said, "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I had heard that there
were some bitter hatred between the people of Ohio and Michigan, but now I have
seen with my own eyes this is not true. I can see that your society is a truly
enlightened example of true harmony and could serve as a model on which other
states could follow". He blessed them all and drove off in a cloud of dust.
As he departed, the harpooner asked the others, "Who was that?"
"That," one answered, "was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct contact
with God and has access to all of God's wisdom.
"Well," the harpooner replied, "he knows nothing about Sturgeon fishing. Is
the bait holding up or do we need to get another one?"
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Cannibals
A Frenchman, an Englishman and a Denverite were captured by cannibals. The
chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now we've caught you and
we're going to kill you. We will put you in a pot, cook you, eat you and then
we're going to use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you can
choose how to die."
The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword." The chief gives him a sword, the
Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and runs himself through.
The Englishman says, "a pistol for me please." The chief gives him a pistol,
the Englishman points it at his head and says, "God save the queen!" and blows
his brains out.
The Denverite says, "Gimme a fork!" The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and
gives him a fork. The Denverite takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all
over--the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There is blood gushing out
all over, it's horrible. The chief is appalled and asks, "My God, what are you
doing?"
And the Denverite responds, "So much for your canoe you stupid cannibal!"
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I want your soul
An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared
before  him. The Devil told
the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for
the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand
in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money.
All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls,
the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of
all of your friends and law partners."
The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, "So, what's the
catch?"
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Would This Change Your Mind?
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IRS
Have you ever noticed:
When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together, it spells:
"THEIRS"
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Can You Find The Baby?
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Cowboy Warning
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Going to a Lecture
One night a man - who was in no shape to drive - wisely left his car parked
and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along the road, he was stopped by
a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" said the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture." the man said.
"And just who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.
"My wife." said the man.
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Difficult Case
A lawyer had successfully handled a difficult law case for a wealthy friend.
Following the happy outcome of the case, the friend and client called on the
lawyer, expressed his appreciation of his work and handed him a handsome
Moroccan leather wallet.
The lawyer looked at the wallet in astonishment and handed it back with a
sharp reminder that a wallet could not possible compensate him for his services.
"My fee for that work, " acidly snapped the attorney, "is five hundred dollars."
The client opened the wallet, removed a one-thousand dollar bill, replaced it
with a five-hundred dollar bill and handed it back to the lawyer with a smile.
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Restroom Idiot
I am barely sitting down when I hear a voice from the other stall saying:
"Hi, how are you?" I'm not the type to start a conversation or fraternize in
men's rooms at a rest stop but, I don't know what got into me, so I answer,
somewhat embarrassedly: "Not bad!"
And the other guy says: "So what's up with you?"
What a question? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
"I'm like you, just traveling east!"
Then I hear the guy say nervously... "LISTEN!!! I'll have to call you back,
there's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions, bye!"
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Life Sentence
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She
puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at
the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep
thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye
and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are
you down here at this time of night?".
The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we
were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
"Yes I do" she replies.
The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when
your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember" says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face
and said, either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"
"I remember that too" she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out
today."
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What's Your Business Sign? (What
your profession says about you.)
MARKETING
You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to
study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing which is
pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with
Sales.
2)
SALES
Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree." You
are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to
take their money, you like to avoid contact with customers so you can
"concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf game
throughout your life.
3)
TECHNOLOGY
Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to
completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU
don't understand what you are saying but who the hell can tell. It is written
that Geeks shall inherit the Earth.
4)
ENGINEERING
One of only two signs that actually studied in school. It is said that
engineers place ninety percent of all Personal Ads. You can be happy with
yourself; your office is full of all the latest "ergodynamic" gadgets.
However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel syndrome."
5)
ACCOUNTING
The only other sign that studied in school. You are mostly immune from office
politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with
your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say
that you are completely insane.
6)
HUMAN RESOURCES
Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the
biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that
does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today
because you have to get a haircut, have lunch AND then mail a letter.
7)
MANAGEMENT/MIDDLE MANAGEMENT
Catty, cutthroat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your
current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you
tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for
yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers" as everyone in your
social circle is a "Middle Manager."
8)
SENIOR MANAGEMENT
(See above - Same sign, different title)
9)
CUSTOMER SERVICE
Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own
life. As children, very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for
your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service."
Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your
manager.
10)
CONSULTANT
Lacking any specific knowledge, you use acronyms to avoid revealing your utter
lack of experience. You have convinced yourself that your "skills" are in
demand and that you could get a higher paying job with any other organization
in a heartbeat. You will spend an eternity contemplating these career
opportunities without ever taking direct action.
11)
RECRUITER, "HEADHUNTER"
As a "person" that profits from the success of others, most people who
actually work for a living disdain you. Paid on commission and susceptible to
alcoholism, your ulcers and frequent heart attacks correspond directly with
fluctuations in the stock market.
12)
PARTNER, PRESIDENT, CEO
You are brilliant or lucky. Your inability to figure out complex systems such
as the fax machine suggest the latter.
13)
GOVERNMENT WORKER
Paid to take days off. Government workers are genius inventors, like the
invention of new Holidays. You usually suffer from deep depression or anxiety
and usually commit serious crimes while on the job...Thus the term "GO POSTAL"
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Peanuts
A man visits his aunt in the nursing home. It turns out that she is taking a
nap, so he just sits down in a chair in her room, flips through a few magazines,
and munches on some peanuts sitting in a bowl on the table.
Eventually, the aunt wakes up, and her nephew realizes he's absentmindedly
finished the entire bowl. "I'm so sorry, auntie, I've eaten all of your
peanuts!"
"That's okay, dearie," the aunt replied. "After I've sucked the chocolate
off, I don't care for them anyway."
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Canary Singer
A short elderly woman burst into a pet store. "I want to buy a canary, but
it's got to be a good singer! I've got good, hard US cash, but I'm only paying
for a good singer."
The shop owner began moving a ladder towards a small cage on a shelf about
fifteen feet up, near the ceiling of the store. "Ma'am, I've been in this
business for forty years and the best singer I've ever heard is in that cage."
"Don't think I'm gonna feel obligated to pay for something I don't want just
because you're climbing up a ladder like a monkey. I want a canary, but it's got
to be a singer."
By this point, the shop keeper was coming down the ladder. "Ma'am, this bird
is a veritable feathered Caruso!" He placed the cage on the counter and the bird
burst into melody after melody.
Awed, the woman murmured, "Why, he is a good singer." Suddenly she screamed,
"Hey, this bird's only got one leg!"
The pet store owner was unperturbed. "Lady, what do you want, a singer or a
dancer?"
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Crouching Tiger ~ Hidden Dragon
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Guess Who!
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Heart Of The Matter
A man who was having heart trouble went to the doctor to see what his options
were. Naturally, the doctor recommended a heart transplant. The man reluctantly
agreed, and asked if there were any hearts immediately available, considering
that money was no object.
"I do have three hearts," said the doctor. "The first is from an 18-year old
kid, non-smoker, athletic, swimmer, with a great diet. He hit his head on the
swimming pool and died. It's $100,000. The second is from a marathon runner, 25
years old, great condition, very strong. He got hit by a bus. It's $150,000. The
third is from a heavy drinker, cigar smoker, steak lover. It's $500,000."
"Hey, why is that heart so expensive? He lived a terrible life!"
"Yes, but it's from a layer. It's never been used."
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Hearing Problem
An old man decided his old wife was getting hard of hearing. So he called her
doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked. The Doctor said he
could see her in two weeks, and meanwhile there's a simple, informal test the
husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the dimensions of the problem.
"Here's what you do. Start about 40 feet away from her, and speak in a normal
conversational tone and see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20
feet, and so on until you get a response."
So that evening she's in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living
room, and he says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."
"Honey, what's for supper?" No response.
So he moves to the other end of the room, about 30 feet away. "Honey, what's
for supper?" No response.
So he moves into the dining room, about 20 feet away. "Honey, what's for
supper?" No response.
On to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?". No
response.
So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for supper?"
"For the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!!!!"
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Funeral's Ad:
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Panic
A man whose wife was going into labor dialed 911 in a panic. When the
dispatcher answered, he cried, "My wife is having a baby. Her contractions are
only two minutes apart. What do I do?" The dispatcher said, "Calm down. Is this
her first child?"
"No," the frantic man replied. "This is her husband."
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Checkmate!
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Who's Talking?
A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee. On his very first day of
work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone - "Get me a coffee,
quickly!"
The voice from the other side responded, "You fool you've dialed the wrong
extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?"
"No," replied the trainee. "It's the CEO of the company, you fool!"
The trainee shouts back, "And do YOU know who YOU are talking to, you fool?!"
"No." replied the CEO indignantly.
"Good!" replied the trainee, and puts down the phone.
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"The computer user's reboot poem"
Don't you wish when life is bad
and things just don't compute,
That all we really had to do
was stop and hit reboot?
Things would all turn out ok,
life could be so sweet
If we had those special keys
Ctrl, Alt, and Delete
Your boss is mad, your bills not paid,
your wife, well she's just mute
Just stop and hit those wonderful keys
that make it all reboot
You'd like to have another job
but you fear living in the street?
You solve it all and start a new,
Ctrl, Alt, and Delete
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Love At First Site
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LEAVE WITHOUT ME
A man learned, shortly before quitting time, that he had to attend a meeting.
He tried to locate his car-pool members, to let them know that he would not be
leaving with them. He was unsuccessful, and had to hurry to the meeting.
Hastily, he scribbled a message to one fellow, and left it on his desk:
"I have a last-minute meeting. Leave without me. Dave."
At 7:00 p.m., the man stopped at his desk, and found this note: "Meet us at
the coffee shop across the street. You drove, you idiot."
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Smile!
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Unhappy Ever After
One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a water hole.
This forest was so big that the frog had never seen another animal in all his
life. By chance today a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner.
The frog called for the two to stop. The frog said, "Because you are the only
two animals I have seen, I will grant you both three wishes. Bear, you go
first." The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he was, said, "I wish
for all the bears in this forest, besides me, to be female."
For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on.
The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.
It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in
the next forest were female as well."
The rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and gunned the
engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for these stupid things,
after all, he could have asked for money and bought the motorcycle.
For the last wish the bear thought for awhile and then said, "I wish that all
the bears in the world, besides me, were female."
The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said, "I wish that the bear was
female bear."
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Ticket Stop
A woman was caught for speeding and told to pull over to the side of the
road. Realizing she didn't have her seat belt on, as soon as she stopped she
quickly buckled up before the officer reached her window. After lecturing her
about speeding, the cop said, "I notice you are wearing your seat belt. Do you
believe in wearing it at all times?" "Most definitely, officer," she replied. "I
see," said the cop, "and do you always wear it looped through the steering
wheel?"
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Trimming The Afro
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Emergency Phone
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Only Once
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Ironic Sign
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CIA The Test
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks,
interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists... Two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door
and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no
matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room, you will find your wife
sitting in a chair, Kill Her!!!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent
said, Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into
the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears
in his eyes , "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't
have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to
kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one
shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After
a few minutes all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.
She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks, I
had to beat him to death with the chair."
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Survival At Work!
1. Never walk without a document in your hands! People with documents in
their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings.
People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria.
People with a newspaper in their hand look like they're heading for the toilet.
Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus
generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.
2. Use computers to look busy! Any time you use a computer, it looks like
"work" to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, chat
and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work.
These aren't exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer
revolution would like to talk about but they're not bad either. When you get
caught by your boss - and you *will* get caught -- your best defense is to claim
you're teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training
dollars.
3. Messy desk. Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of
us, it looks like we're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents
around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as
today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know
somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down
in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.
4. Voice Mail. Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't
call you just because they want to give you something for nothing - they call
because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's no way to live. Screen all
your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you
and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know
they're not there - it looks like you're hardworking and conscientious even
though you're being a devious weasel.
5. Looking Impatient and Annoyed! According to George Costanza, one should
also always try to look impatient and annoyed to give your bosses the impression
that you are always busy.
6. Leave the office late. Always leave the office late, especially when the
boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always
wanted to read but have no time until late before leaving. Make sure you walk
past the boss' room on your way out. Send important emails at unearthly hours
(e.g. 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc.) and during public holidays.
7. Creative Sighing. For effect sigh loudly when there are many people
around, giving the impression that you are under extreme pressure.
8. Stacking Strategy. It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the
table. Put lots of books on the floor etc. (thick computer manuals are the
best).
9. Build Vocabulary. Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the
jargon and new products. Use the phrases freely when in conversation with
bosses. Remember: They don't have to understand what you say, but you sure sound
impressive.
10. MOST IMPORTANT!!!: DON'T let your boss see this by mistake!!!
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Objective Gender
Designation
Many Romance Languages (Italian, Spanish, French) give
even inanimate objects a gender. In French, for example, this determines whether
you use “la” or “le in front of the noun. If English designated things as either
male or female, here are a few of our recommendations...
COPIER: Female, because once turned off, it
takes a while to warm up. Because it is an effective reproductive device when
the right buttons are pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons
are pushed.
HAMMER: Male, because it hasn't evolved much
over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
HOT AIR BALLOON: Male, because to get it to go
anywhere you have to light a fire under it... and, of course, there's the hot
air part.
HOURGLASS: Female, because over time, the weight
shifts to the bottom.
KIDNEYS: Female, because they always go to the
bathroom in pairs.
REMOTE CONTROL: Female... Ha! You thought I'd
say male. But consider … it gives a man pleasure. He'd be lost without it.
Lastly while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
SHOES: Male, because it is usually unpolished,
with its tongue hanging out.
SPONGES: Female, because they are soft and
squeezable and retain water.
SUBWAY: Male, because it uses the same old lines
to pick people up.
SWISS ARMY KNIFE: Male, because even though it
appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just
opening bottles.
TIRES: Male, because it goes bald and often is
over inflated.
WEB PAGE: Female, because it is always getting
hit on.
ZIPLOC BAGS: Male, because they hold everything
in, but you can always see right through them.
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Rent A Car (Notice The Sign!)
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In The Lift
As the doors shut and the crowded lift made its way down to the ground floor,
Sadie got very angry with her Morris. She noticed that he was wedged up against
a nice young girl and had a smile on his face that said he was delighted to be
in that position. As the lift reached the ground floor and the doors were about
to open, the girl suddenly slapped Morris’s face and said aloud, "I’m not that
kind of girl. That will teach you not to pinch my bottom!" Sadie and Morris
didn’t say a word as they made their way to the car park.
When they got in the car, Morris turned to Sadie and said, "You know darling,
I really didn't pinch that girl."
"Of course you didn't," said Sadie smiling, "I did."
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