Political Bloopers
"Things are more like they are now than they have ever been." --President
Gerald Ford
"My fellow astronauts..." --Vice-President Dan Quayle, beginning a speech at
an Apollo 11 anniversary celebration.
"Capital punishment is our society's recognition of the sanctity of human
life." --Orrin Hatch, Senator from Utah, explaining his support of the death
penalty.
"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese." --Charles de Gaulle,
ex-French President
"I stand by all the misstatements." --Dan Quayle, defending himself against
criticism for making verbal gaffes
"Gerald Ford was a Communist" --Ronald Reagan in a speech. He later indicated
he meant to say 'Congressman'.
"Outside of the killings, Washington D.C. has one of the lowest crime rates
in the country." --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington D.C.
"We found the term 'killing' too broad." --State Department spokesperson on
why the word 'killing' was replaced with 'unlawful or arbitrary deprivation of
life' in its human rights reports for 1984.
"This is a great day for France!" --President Richard Nixon while attending
Charles De Gaulle's funeral
"This is the worst disaster in California since I was elected." --California
Governor Pat Brown, discussing a local flood
"It's not listed in the Bible, but my spiritual gift, my specific calling
from God, is to be a television talk show host." --James Baker, televangelist.
"The chairs in the cabin are for the ladies. Gentlemen are not to make use of
them till the ladies are seated." --Instructions posted in a river cruise ship,
Suir River, Ireland.
"The exports include thumbscrews and cattle prods, just routine items for the
police." --U.S. Commerce Department spokesman on a regulation allowing the
export of various products abroad.
"Facts are stupid things." --Ronald Reagan, misquoting John Adams in a speech
to the Republican convention (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Gas Prices
 (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Grandma
When I stopped the bus to pick up Chris for preschool, I noticed an older
woman hugging him as he left the house. "Is that your grandmother?" I asked.
"Yes, "Chris said. "She's come to visit us for Christmas." "How nice," I said.
"Where does she live?" "At the airport," Chris replied. "Whenever we want her,
we just go out there and get her." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Outside To Play
 (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Why English is tough:
1. The bandage was wound around the
wound.
2. The farm was used to produce
produce.
3. The dump was so full it had to
refuse more refuse.
4. We must polish the Polish
furniture.
5. He could lead if he would get the
lead out.
6. The soldier decided to desert his
dessert in the desert. (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Drive Slowly
 (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Drug Testing
 (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Afraid of the Dark
A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out
to the back porch and bring her the broom.
The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want to go out
there. It's dark."
The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. "You don't have to be afraid of
the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there. He'll look after you and protect
you."
The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you sure he's
out there?"
"Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you
need him," she said.
The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door
and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, "Jesus? If
you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Sausages
A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I'd like some Polish sausage."
The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?" The guy, clearly offended,
says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something." If I had asked for Italian
sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German
bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog
would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if
I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?" The clerk says, "Well, no." With deep
self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask
me if I'm Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage?" The clerk replies,
Because this is Home Depot." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Lab Experiments
At a convention of biological scientists, one prominent researcher remarked
to another, 'Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers
for our experiments?' 'Really?' the other researcher replied. 'Why did you
switch?'
'Well, for three reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful.
Second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them, and thirdly there are
some things even a rat won't do.' (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Conversations
A University of Alabama football player was visiting a Yankee relative in
Boston over the holidays. He went to a large party and met a pretty co-ed. He
was attempting to start up a conversation with the line, "Where does you go to
school?" The coed, of course, was not overly impressed with his grammar or
southern drawl, but did answer his question. "Yale," she replied. The UA student
took a big, deep breath and shouted, "WHERE DOES YOU GO TO SCHOOL?" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Grounding (This would be one of
my daughters!)
 (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
MAN CODE
- 1. Under no circumstances may 2 men share an umbrella.
- 2. When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father,
priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should
not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are
permitted to deny his very existence.
- 3. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a
friend out of jail within 12 hours.
- 4. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is
off-limits forever.
- 5. Complaining about the food and drink in a buddies refrigerator is
forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.
- 6. Before dating a buddy's "ex", you are required to ask his permission
and he in return is required to grant it.
- 7. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies
until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo
wing clean. (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
It's A Mystery
 (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Frog Talk
A grandson ran up to his grandfather and asked him if he could talk like a
frog. "Of course not," said the grandfather.
A few minutes later, his granddaughter ran up and asked him the same thing.
"No, of course not. Why are you both asking me this?"
The granddaughter looked up at him and said "Dad said that when you croak, we
can go to Disneyland." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Mental Hospital
After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another
from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the hospital director
reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office.
"Mr. Haroldson, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're
ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself
with a rope around the neck."
"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. Haroldson replied. "I hung him up to dry." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
New Reality Barbie's
Finally a Barbie we can relate to! At long last, here
are some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her and OUR aging gracefully. These
are a bit more realistic...
-
1. Bifocals
Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six
wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue
and Martha Stewart Living.
-
2. Hot Flash
Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red
while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead. Comes with hand-held
fan and tiny tissues.
-
3. Facial
Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow.
Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.
-
4. Flabby
Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new,
roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, too -- muumuus with
tummy-support panels are included.
-
5. Bunion
Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken
their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice
stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.
-
6.
No-More-Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines
with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive
age-blasting cosmetics.
-
7. Soccer Mom
Barbie. All that experience as a cheer-leader is really paying off as
Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr.
Comes with minivan in robin-egg blue or white, and cooler filled with doughnut
holes and fruit punch.
-
8. Mid-life
Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and
Alonzo (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with
Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley
to open a B&B. Includes a real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."
-
9. Divorced
Barbie. Sells for $199.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, and Ken's
boat.
-
10. Recovery
Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party
girl. Now she does Twelve Steps instead of dance steps. Clean and sober, she's
going to meetings religiously. Comes with a little copy of The Big Book and a
six-pack of Diet Coke.
-
11.
Post-Menopausal Barbie. This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes,
forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken
sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes
with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, the book "Getting In Touch
with Your Inner Self" is included. (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Court Short
The judge looked at the defendant and yelled, "I thought I told you last time
that I never wanted to see you here again!"
"Your Honor," replied the criminal. "That's what I kept trying to tell the
police, but they just wouldn't listen." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Learned In Sunday School
I'd had a pretty hectic day with my three-year-old. When bedtime finally
came, I laid down the law: "We're getting on your p.j.s, brushing your teeth,
and reading ONE book. Then it's lights out!" Her arms went around my neck in a
gentle embrace, and I heard her say, "We learned in Sunday school about little
boys and girls who don't have moms and dads." Even after I'd been such a grouch,
I thought, she was grateful to have me. I felt tears begin to well up in my
eyes, and then she whispered, "Maybe you could go be THEIR mom." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Watch For Ice!
 (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Highway Speeding (Got
to love the solution!)
A married couple are driving along a highway doing sixty mph, the wife behind
the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks over at her and says, "Honey, I know we've
been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce." The wife says nothing but
slowly increases speed to seventy mph.
He then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've
been having an affair with your best friend."
Again the wife stays quiet but speeds up as her anger increases.
"I want the house," he insists, pressing his luck. Again the wife speeds up,
to eighty mph.
He says, "I want the car, too," but she just drives faster and faster.
By now she's up to ninety mph. "All right," he says, "I want the bank
accounts, and all the credit cards, too."
The wife slowly starts to veer toward a bridge.
This makes him a bit nervous, so he says, "Isn't there anything you want?"
The wife says, "No, I've got everything I need."
"Oh, really," he says, "so what have you got?"
Right before they slam into the wall at a hundred mph, the wife smiles and
says, " The airbag." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Bad Hair Day (Reminds
me of a few of my days!)
 (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Before
"Great Grandma, when you and Great Grandpa had your first baby, did Great
Grandpa ever handle the middle-of-the-night feeding?"
"No. I always did that."
"That must have been before you had women's liberation."
"No, it was before we had baby bottles." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Prominent Scientist
A prominent University Of Colorado scientist conducted very important
experiment. He trained a flea to jump upon giving her a verbal command
("Jump!").
In a first stage of experiment he removed flea's leg, told her to jump, and
the flea jumped. So he wrote in his scientific notebook: "Upon removing one leg
all flea organs function properly."
So, he removed the second leg, asked the flea to jump, she obeyed, so he
wrote again: "Upon removing the second leg all flea organs function properly."
Thereafter he removed all the legs but one, the flea jumped when ordered, so
he wrote again: "Upon removing the next leg all flea organs function properly."
Then he removed the last leg. Told flea to jump, and nothing happened. He did
not want to take a chance, so he repeated the experiment several times, and the
leg less flea never jumped. So he wrote the conclusion: "Upon removing the last
leg the flea loses sense of hearing" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Some Great Illusions (Separate
Page) (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Top 10 Signs You're at a
Redneck Wedding
-
10. Rehearsal dinner held at Pool
Hall
-
9. Instead of "friends of the bride
or friends of the groom," ushers ask "Ford or Chevy?"
-
8. Bridesmaids -- pink tube tops;
bridegrooms -- Travis Tritt T-shirts
-
7. Phrase "I do" replaced by "I
heard that"
-
6. Tender rendition of "The Wedding
Song" performed by Pinkard & Bowden
-
5. When minister asks "who giveth
this woman to be married," some guy in the back stands up and hollers, "Earnhardt!"
-
4. Reception conversation includes
the phrase, "So what have you been doing since 'Hee Haw,' Mr. Lindsay?"
-
3. Snack trays at reception: Vienna
sausages and nacho cheese Doritos
-
2. Plans for the honeymoon evening
include tickets to the "Monster Truck Show"
-
1. Sign in front of the church: No
shirt... No shoes... No problem (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Let There Be Peace!
 (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Driving Instructor
A harried driving instructor came home from work, kicked off his shoes, and
fell into a chair. "I'm thinking of taking six or seven of my students to
England," he said. "What on earth for?" his wife asked.
"It might make them feel good to see what it's like to drive on the left side
of the road-legally." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Heart Murmur
A 92 year old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the
doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his
arm. At his follow up visit, the doctor talked to the man and said, "You're
really doing great, aren't you?" The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doc:
'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be
careful." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
A Real Good Practical Joke (Glad
this didn't happen to me! - Great Job Dad!)
from mr fitz
I played this little "Gotcha" on my son during the time we
were all recovering from the WTC bombing. My son is a construction worker and
nearly joined the Air Force when he was 19, but decided that working for himself
would be a much better arrangement. I was in the Army during Vietnam and was a
little disappointed that he would not have the valuable "experience" from
military training that has always been useful to me. Over a six month period, I
related to my son different stories regarding the need the Army had for
construction workers. Even pointing out to him convoys of heavy machinery moving
by rail and truck, all going east. To these imagined movements I would add "I
understand the Army is DRAFTING construction people to work at the WTC." Having
saved the draft notice I had received way back in 65, I decided to DRAFT my son.
With official logos, letterhead, envelope, correct font styles and stationary, I
concocted a heck of a facsimile and along with used commercial stamp and post
office scan markings, put it in his mailbox. (Being careful to do this after the
mailman had come). The next day I got a call from my son. Bewildered, confused,
dismayed and shocked, he had stopped by the local Quick-Trip and the clerk there
informed my son, "I've been drafted too!!". (What luck!!) My sons wife was
beside herself with worry and what was he going to do!! He was to report to the
recruiting station at 5:00 am in three days!! I told him to call the recruiting
office, knowing the Sergeant there would inform him that no such thing was
happening. The Sergeant said "I don't know, maybe they started" (What luck!!) My
wife and I giggled for hours. I let him stew for 1 day and then told him it was
just a joke. He was so convinced by this time, he refused to believe me. After
reassuring him for 10 min, it finally sunk in. He, and his wife, swear to get
even. (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Most Powerful With A Twist
One day in the forest, three animals were discussing who among them was the
most powerful. "I am," said the hawk, "because I can fly and swoop down swiftly
at my prey." "That's nothing," said the mountain lion, "I am not only fleet, but
I have powerful teeth and claws." "I am the most powerful," said the skunk,
"because with a flick of my tail, I can drive off the two of you." Just then a
huge grizzly bear lumbered out of the forest and settled the debate by eating
them all ... hawk, lion, and stinker. (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Still Got It! (Go Granny, Go)
 (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Fruit Loop Chicks
 (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Brand New Kittens!
Al Gore is out jogging one morning, notices a little boy on
the corner with a box. Curious, he runs over to the child and says, "What's in
the box, kid?" The little boy says, "Kittens, they're brand new kittens." Al
Gore laughs and says, "What kind of kittens are they?" "Democrats," the child
says. "Oh, that's cute," Al Gore says and he runs off.
A couple of days later, Al Gore is running with his buddy
Bill Clinton and he spies the same boy with his box just ahead. Al says to Bill,
"You gotta check this out," and they both jog over to the boy with the box. Al
says, "Look in the box Bill, isn't that cute? Look at those little kittens. Hey,
kid, tell my friend Bill what kind of kittens they are." The boy replies,
"They're Republicans."
"Whoa!" Al says, "I came by here the other day and you said
they were Democrats. What's up?"
"Well," the kid says, "Their eyes are open now." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Shopping Karma
Are you supposed to smell the meat? I can never remember. I mean, I feel
pretty stupid smelling this. It's wrapped in plastic, so it's not like I'm gonna
smell anything anyway. But still, there's this nagging voice in my head that's
telling me I'm supposed to smell the meat.
You know, if you just look at the picture on the can, Vienna sausages don't
look half-bad.
That guy is singing along to the Muzak. How sad. Oh wait, it's a Billy Joel
tune. OK, I understand that.
Why do I feel so much pressure picking out lemons? They're lemons, for God's
sake! They all seem exactly the same to me, yet I see people sorting through the
entire pile, searching for the right one. But they're just lemons. I'm gonna cut
a slice and drop have it in my tea. Why all this pressure?
Why are all these religious candles next to the salsa? Why aren't they next
to the regular candles?
Where's the soap? Shouldn't it be here with the rest of the bathroom
supplies? Toothpaste, floss, lotions, no soap. What is this, the Dewey decimal
system?
There's no one else waiting for the bakery, yet the sign says "Take A
Number." Do I take a number? It says "Now Serving 37," but they're not serving
anyone. They're just standing there. I have number 56. I'm confused.
Why do I feel so good about myself when I return the shopping cart to the
pack? It's not that much work, yet I feel like I've done my good deed for the
day. Like I can go ahead and cut off old ladies in the crosswalk, 'cause I've
got good shopping cart karma.
Can you relate?!?!?!?!?!?! (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
The Top 16 Fatal
Things to Say to A Pregnant Wife
- 16 Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs forty pounds.
- 15 Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby!
- 14 I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!
- 13 Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl.
- 12 Great! if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from
that Richard Simmons fella.
- 11 Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta
hurt.
- 10 Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!
- 9 I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?
- 8 Are your ankles supposed to look like that?
- 7 Get your *own* ice cream, Buddha!
- 6 Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today.
- 5 Got milk?
- 4 Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney.
- 3 Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!
- 2 Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water.
and The Number 1 Fatal Thing to Say to Your Pregnant
Wife...
Chickens
The farmer's son was returning from the market with a crate of chickens his
father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open.
Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all
over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the
repaired crate. Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home,
expecting the worst. "Pa, the chickens got loose," the boy confessed sadly, "but
I managed to find all twelve of them." "Well, you done a good job, son," the
farmer beamed. "You left with seven." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Burying The Dead
George went on a pilgrimage to Jerusalem with his family, including his
mother-in-law. While there the Mother-in-law died. With the death certificate in
his hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to
send the body back to the United States for proper burial. The Consul advised
George that to ship the body back to the United States for burial could be very,
very expensive. It could cost him as much as $5,000.00 or more.
The Consul told him, in most cases the person responsible for the remains
normally decides to bury the body here in Jerusalem. This would only cost him
$150.00.
George thinks for a moment and his response was: "I don't care how much it
will cost to send the body back! That's what I want to do."
The Consul says "You must loved your Mother-in-law very much considering what
it will cost you."
"No, it's not that," says George. "You see, I heard of someone who was buried
here in Jerusalem many, many years ago. On the third day he rose from being
dead! I just can't take that chance! (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Before Coffee
 (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Go As You Go
 (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
HE'S VERY HONEST
When the parents sat down with their son's teacher for their regular
conference, they knew things were not good by his report card.
They were somewhat surprised when the teacher said he had some good things to
say about their son.
The father asked expectantly, "What's that?"
The teacher replied, "Well, for one thing, he's very honest."
The mother said, "What makes you say that?"
The teacher explained, "Well, with grades like these, he certainly couldn't
be cheating." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Lawyers & Charity
A very rich lawyer is approached by the United Way. The man from the United
Way is concerned that the lawyer made over $1,000,000.00 last year but didn't
donate even a cent to a charity.
"First of all", says the lawyer, "my mother is sick and dying in the
hospital, and it's not covered by healthcare. Second, I had five kids through
three divorced marriages. Third, my sister's husband suddenly died and she has
no one to support her four children..."
"I'm terribly sorry", says the United Way man, "I feel bad about asking for
money."
The Lawyer responds, "Yeah, well if I'm not giving them any money, why should
I give you any?" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Seminars For Men (given By Women)
- 1. Combating Stupidity
- 2. You, too, can do housework
- 3. PMS -- Learn when to keep your mouth shut
- 4. How to fill an ice tray
- 5. We do not want sleazy underthings for Christmas -- Give us money
- 6. Understanding the female response to your coming in at 4:00a.m.
- 7. Wonderful laundry techniques (formerly titled, "Don't wash my silks")
- 8. Parenting -- No, it doesn't end with conception
- 9. Get a life -- learn to cook
- 10. How not to act like an asshole when you're obviously wrong
- 11. Spelling -- Even you can get it right
- 12. Understanding your financial incompetence
- 13. You -- The Weaker Sex
- 14. Reasons to give flowers
- 15. How to stay awake after sex (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Painting
A road construction manager needed to hire someone to paint the yellow lines
down the middle of a newly constructed road. A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead
all get hired. They are each assigned a section of the road.
The first day, the blonde paints 2 miles, the redhead 1.5, and the brunette
only 1. On the second day, the blonde paints 1 mile, the brunette 2, and the
redhead 2.5. On the third day, the blonde only gets 1/4 of a mile done, the
redhead 3, and the brunette 3.5.
The manager decides to talk to the blonde. "You haven't been painting as much
road as you did on the first day. What's the problem?"
"I'd be painting more, but the bucket keeps getting farther and farther
away!" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
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