Courtroom Sayings
These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and
published by court reporters -- who had the torment of staying calm while these
exchanges were actually taking place.
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
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Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
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Q: What gear were you in at the
moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
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Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it
affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect
your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an
example of something that you've forgotten?
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Q: How old is your son, the one
living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I
can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
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Q: What was the first thing your
husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
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Q: Do you know if your daughter has
ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
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Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that
when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next
morning?
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Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year
old, how old is he?
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Q: Were you present when your picture
was taken?
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Q: So the date of conception (of the
baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that
time?
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Q: S! he had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
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Q: How was your first marriage
terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it
terminated?
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Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had
a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
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Q: Is your appearance here this
morning pursuant to a deposition notice, which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go
to work.
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Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have
you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on
dead people.
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Q: All your responses must be oral,
OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
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Q: Do you recall the time that you
examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30
p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the
time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table
wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
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Q: Are you qualified to give a urine
sample?
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Q: Doctor, before you performed the
autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the
patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on
my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still
been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could
have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
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Q: And where was the location of the
accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and
500.
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Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I
think.
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Q: Did you blow your horn or
anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for 10 years. I
even went to school for it.
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Q: Trooper, when you stopped the
defendant, were your red and blue Lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything
when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
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Q: You say the stairs went down to
the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up
also?
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Judge: "Well Sir, I have reviewed
this case and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."
Husband: "That's fair, your honor.
I'll try to send her a few bucks myself." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Medical Claim
S.C. Anderson PO Box 1302 Minnetonka, MN 55345
Superior Health Insurance ATTN: Claims Review 1423 W. 90th St. New York, NY
05016
Dear Sir: This letter is in response to your recent letter requesting a more
detailed explanation concerning my recent internment at Methodist Hospital.
Specifically, you asked for an expansion in reference to Block 21(a)(3) of the
claim form (reason for hospital visit). On the original form, I put "Stupidity."
I realize now that this answer was somewhat vague and so I will attempt to more
fully explain the circumstances leading up to my hospitalization. I had needed
to use the restroom and had just finished a quick bite to eat at the local
burger joint. I entered the bathroom, took care of my business, and just prior
to the moment in which I had planned to raise my trousers, the locked case that
prevents theft of the toilet paper in such places came undone and, feeling it
striking my knee, unthinkingly, I immediately, and with unnecessary force,
returned the lid back to its normal position.
Unfortunately, as I did this I also turned and certain parts of my body,
which were still exposed, were trapped between the device's lid and its main
body. Feeling such intense and immediate pain caused me to jump back. It quickly
came to my attention that, when one's privates are firmly attached to an
unmovable object, it is not a good idea to jump in the opposite direction. Upon
recovering some of my senses, I attempted to reopen the lid. However, my
slamming of it had been sufficient to allow the locking mechanism to engage. I
then proceeded to get a hold on my pants and subsequently removed my keys from
them. I intended to try to force the lock of the device open with one of my
keys; thus extracting myself. Unfortunately, when I attempted this, my key broke
in the lock.
Embarrassment of someone seeing me in this unique position became a minor
concern, and I began to call for help in as much of a calm and rational manner
as I could. An employee from the restaurant quickly arrived and decided that
this was a problem requiring the attention of the store manager. Betty, the
manager, came quickly. She attempted to unlock the device with her keys. Since I
had broken my key off in the device, she could not get her key in. Seeing no
other solution, she called the EMS (as indicated on your form in block
21(b)(1)). After approximately 15 minutes, the EMS arrived, along with two
police officers, a fire-rescue squad, and the channel 4 "On-the- Spot" news
team. The guys from the fire department quickly took charge as this was
obviously a rescue operation. The senior member of the team discovered that the
device was attached with bolts to the cement wall that could only be reached
once the device was unlocked. His discovery was by means of tearing apart the
device located in the stall next to the one that I was in. (Since the value of
the property destroyed in his examination was less than $50 (my deductible) I
did not include it in my claim.) His partner, who seemed like an intelligent
fellow at the time, came up with the idea of cutting the device from the wall
with the propane torch that was in the rescue truck.
The fireman went to his truck, retrieved the torch, and commenced to attempt
to cut the device from the wall. Had I been in a state to think of such things,
I might have realized that in cutting the device from the wall several things
would also inevitably happen. First, the air inside of the device would quickly
heat up, causing items inside the device to suffer the same effects that are
normally achieved by placing things in an oven. Second, the metal in the device
is a good conductor of heat causing items that are in contact with the device to
react as if thrown into a hot skillet. And, third, molten metal would shower the
inside of the device as the torch cut through. The one bright note of the
propane torch was that it did manage to cut, in the brief time that I allowed
them to use it, a hole big enough for a small pry bar to be placed inside of the
device.
The EMS team then loaded me, along with the device, into the waiting
ambulance as stated on your form. Due the small area of your block 21(a)(3), I
was unable to give a full explanation of these events, and thus used the word
which I thought best described my actions that led to my hospitalization.
Sincerely, S.C. Anderson (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
