Solving Disputes
There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each
other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and
pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.
One day he looked outside and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the
Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman
pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg
belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the
egg was laid on his property.
They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, "In my family we
normally solve disputes by the following actions: I punch you in the nose and
note how long it takes you to recover, then you punch me in the nose and note
how long it takes for me to recover, whomever recovers quicker wins the egg."
The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman held the heaviest object he
could find, took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and punched
him as hard as he could in the nose. The Englishman fell to the ground and was
howling in agony and holding his nose for thirty minutes.
Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to punch you."
The Scotsman said, "Keep the lousy egg." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Twins
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Wedding Ring
Soon after marriage, a lady's husband stopped wearing his wedding ring. She
asked, "Why don't you ever wear your wedding band?"
He replied, "It cuts off my circulation."
She answered back, "It's supposed to!" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Emergency Landing
An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin
crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency
landing.
A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was
buckled in and ready.
"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except the lawyers are still
going around passing out business cards." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Available Men
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Dude Ranch
My wife and I went to a "Dude Ranch" while in Texas.
The cowboy preparing the horses asked if she wanted a Western or English
saddle, and she asked what the difference was.
He told her one had a horn and one didn't, she replied, "The one without the
horn is fine. I don't expect we'll run into too much traffic." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Bad Cup of Coffee
A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a
cup of coffee. He made it himself and was so proud. He anxiously waited to hear
the verdict on the quality of the coffee.
The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as
she forced down the last sip she noticed three of those little green army guys
in the bottom of the cup.
She asked, "Honey, why would three little green army guys be in the bottom of
my cup?"
Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it's like on TV, 'The best part of
waking up is soldiers in your cup.'" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Adopted?
After 50 years of wondering why he didn't look like his younger sister or
brother, the man finally got up the nerve to ask his mother if he was adopted.
"Yes, you were son," his mother said as she started to cry softly. "But it
didn't work out and they brought you back." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Lucille
One of my friends works in the customer service call center of a national
pager company. He deals with the usual complaints regarding poor pager
operation, as well as the occasional crank caller demanding to be paged less
often, more often, or by more interesting people.
The best call came from a man who repeatedly complained that he keeps being
paged by "Lucille." He was instructed that he would have to call her and tell
her to stop paging him.
"She don't never leave no number, so I can't call her back," he said.
After three such calls, someone thought to ask how he knew it was Lucille if
she didn't leave a number.
"She leaves her name," was the reply.
After establishing that the customer had a numeric only pager, the light bulb
came on.
"How does she spell her name?" the service rep asked.
"L-O-W C-E-L-L"
Another problem solved. 
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
The Verge
A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus' Mother's name?"
One child answered, "Mary."
The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' Father's name was?"
Another child said, "The Verge."
Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?"
The little one said, "Well, you know they are always talking about The Verge
'n' Mary." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Cat Miracle Diet (Guaranteed way to lose
weight!)
Most diets fail because we are still thinking and eating like people. For
those us who have never had any success dieting, now there is the new Cat
Miracle Diet!
Most cats are long and lean (or tiny and petite). The Cat Miracle Diet will
help you achieve the same lean, svelte figure. Just follow this diet for 4 days
and you'll find that you not only look and feel better, but you will have a
whole new outlook on what constitutes food. Good Luck!
DAY ONE
Breakfast: Open can of expensive gourmet cat
food. Any flavor as long as it cost more the .75 per can -- and place 1/4 cup on
your plate. Eat 1 bite of food; look around room disdainfully. Knock the rest on
the floor. Stare at the wall for awhile before stalking off into the other room.
Lunch: Four blades of grass and one lizard tail.
Throw it back up on the cleanest carpet in your house.
Dinner: Catch a moth and play with it until it
is almost dead. Eat one wing. Leave the rest to die.
Bedtime snack: Steal one green bean from your
spouse's or partner's plate. Bat it around the floor until it goes under the
refrigerator. Steal one small piece of chicken and eat half of it. Leave the
other half on the sofa. Throw out the remaining gourmet cat food from the can
you opened this morning.
DAY TWO
Breakfast: Picking up the remaining chicken bite
from the sofa. Knock it onto the carpet and bat it under the television set.
Chew on the corner of the newspaper as your spouse/partner tries to read it.
Lunch: Break into the fresh French bread that
you bought as your part of the dinner party on Saturday. Lick the top of it all
over. Take one bite out of the middle of the loaf.
Afternoon snack: Catch a large beetle and bring
it into the house. Play toss and catch with it until it is mushy and half dead.
Allow it to escape under the bed.
Dinner: Open a fresh can of dark-colored gourmet
cat food -- tuna or beef works well. Eat it voraciously. Walk from your kitchen
to the edge of the living room rug. Promptly throw up on the rug. Step into it
as you leave. Track footprints across the entire room.
DAY THREE
Breakfast: Drink part of the milk from your
spouse's or partner's cereal bowl when no one is looking. Splatter part of it on
the closest polished aluminum appliance you can find.
Lunch: Catch a small bird and bring it into the
house. Play with it on top of your down-filled comforter. Make sure the bird is
seriously injured but not dead before you abandon it for someone else to have to
deal with.
Dinner: Beg and cry until you are given some ice
cream or milk in a bowl of your own. Take three licks/laps, and then turn the
bowl over on the floor.
FINAL DAY
Breakfast: Eat 6 bugs, any type, being sure to
leave a collection of legs, wings, and antennae on the bathroom floor. Drink
lots of water. Throw the bugs and all the water up on your spouse's or partner's
pillow.
Lunch: Remove the chicken skin from last night's
chicken-to-go leftovers your spouse or partner placed in the trash can. Drag the
skin across the floor several times. Chew on it in a corner and then abandon.
Dinner: Open another can of expensive gourmet
cat food. Select a flavor that is especially runny, like Chicken and Giblets in
Gravy. Lick off all the gravy and leave the actual meat to dry and get hard. (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
A New Car
A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from
each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to
buy a car.
After the purchase, they drove it home and parked it on the street between
them.
A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water
on their new car. It didn't need a wash, so he hurried out and asked the priest
what he was doing. "I'm blessing it," the priest replied.
The rabbi considered this a moment, then went back inside the synagogue. He
reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, walked over to the back of the car and
cut off two inches of the tailpipe. (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Little Johnny
Little Johnny was attending his first day of school. The teacher advised the
class to start the day with the pledge of allegiance, and instructed them to put
their right hands over their hearts and repeat after him.
He looked around the room as he started the recitation, "I pledge allegiance
to the flag..." When his eyes fell upon Little Johnny, he noticed his hand over
the right cheek of his buttocks.
"Little Johnny, I will not continue until you put your hand over your heart."
Little Johnny replied, "It is over my heart."
After several attempts to get Little Johnny to put his hand over his heart,
the teacher asked, "Why do you think that is your heart?"
"Because, every time my Grandma comes to visit, she picks me up, pats me
here, and says, 'Bless your little heart,' and my Grandma wouldn't lie!" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
So Many Men
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Marking The Lot
A client brought a litter of golden retriever puppies to my veterinary clinic
for inoculations and worming. As the look-alike pups squirmed over and under one
another in their box, I realized it would be difficult to tell the treated ones
from the rest. I turned on the water faucet, wet my fingers, and moistened each
dog's head when I had finished.
After the fourth puppy, I noticed my hitherto talkative client had grown
silent. As I sprinkled the last pup's head, the woman leaned forward and
whispered, "I didn't know they had to be baptized. (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
No Sneaking Up
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Good For Only One Thing
Upset over a newlywed squabble with my husband, I went to my mother to
complain. Trying to console me, my dad said that men are not all like this all
the time.
"Nonsense," I said. "Men are good for only one thing!"
"Yes," my mother interjected, "but how often do you have to parallel park?" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Police Giraffe
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Political Staging (And
who's not really paying attention!)
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Please Neuter
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
DearWorld.doc
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
International Flyers Enmity
Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York. One sat in the
window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before takeoff a fat, little
Israeli guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his
shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat
said, "I think I'll go up and get a coke."
"No problem," said the Israeli. "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, the
Arab picked up the Israeli's shoe and spit in it. When the Israeli returned with
the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good. I think I'll have one too."
Again, the Israeli obligingly went to fetch it, and while he is gone the
other Arab picked up the other shoe and spit in it. The Israeli returned with
the coke, and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to New York.
As the plane was landing the Israeli slipped his feet into his shoes and knew
immediately what had happened.
"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This enmity between our peoples.....
this hatred... this animosity... this spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Cloned
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Flowers For The Wife
A man stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses for his wife. As
the clerk was putting the finishing touches on his bouquet, another man burst
through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses. "I'm sorry," the
clerk said. "This man just ordered our last bunch." The desperate customer
turned to the other man and begged, "May I please have those roses?" "What
happened?" the first man asked. "Did you forget your wedding anniversary?" "It's
even worse than that," the second man confided. "I crashed my wife's hard
drive." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Gillette ~ The Best
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Redneck House Boat
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
History ~ Not So Boring
Next time you're washing your hands and the water temperature
isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some
facts about the 1500s. Most people got married in June because they took their
yearly bath in May and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were
starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor.
Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man
of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons
and men, then the women and finally the children -- last of all the babies. By
then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the
saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water."
Houses had thatched roofs -- thick straw -- piled high, with
no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the
dogs, cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it
rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the
roof -- hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.
This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could
really mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung
over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into
existence.
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than
dirt, hence the saying "dirt poor."
The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the
winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their
footing. As the winter wore on, they kept adding more thresh until when you
opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed
in the entranceway, hence, a "thresh hold."
In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big
kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added
things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They
would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold
overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes the stew had food in it
that had been there for quite awhile. Hence the rhyme, "peas porridge hot, peas
porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite
special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It
was a sign of wealth that a man "could bring home the bacon." They would cut off
a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat."
Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with a high
acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead
poisoning and death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400
years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
Most people did not have pewter plates, but had trenchers, a
piece of wood with the middle scooped out like a bowl. Often trenchers were made
from stale bread which was so old and hard that they could be used for quite
some time. Trenchers were never washed and a lot of times worms and mold got
into the wood and old bread. After eating off wormy, moldy trenchers, one would
get "trench mouth.."
Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt
bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or "upper
crust."
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination
would sometimes knock them out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the
road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on
the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and
eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of
holding a "wake."
England is old and small and the local folks started running
out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the
bones to a "bone-house" and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out
of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized
they had been burying people alive. So they thought they would tie a string on
the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground
and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night
(the "graveyard shift") to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be "saved by
the bell" or was considered a "dead ringer."
And that's the truth. . . (who ever said that History was boring)? (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Scanning For Cooties!
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
The Perfect Girl
Geoff was almost 29 years old. Most of his friends had already gotten
married, and Geoff just bounced from one relationship to the next.
Finally a friend asked him, "What's the matter, are you looking for the
perfect woman? Are you THAT particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?"
"No," Geoff replied. "I meet a lot of nice girls, but as soon as I bring them
home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!"
"Listen," his friend suggested, "Why don't you find a girl who's just like
your dear ole mother?"
Many weeks past before Geoff and his friend got together again.
"So Geoff. Did you find the perfect girl yet. One that's just like your
Mother?"
Geoff shrugged his shoulders, "Yes I found one just like Mom. My mother loved
her, they became great friends."
"Excellent!!! So,.... Are you and this girl engaged, yet?"
"I'm afraid not. My father can't stand her!" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Revenge Of The Kitten
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Mouse Revenge!
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Police Problem
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Female Dictionary
-
Argument
(ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just
hasn't realized it yet. Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes
when pulled over by a policeman.
-
Bar-be-que
(bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the
tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but,
he, "made the dinner."
-
Blonde jokes
(blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
-
Diet Soda
(dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half
pound bag of peanut M&Ms.
-
Eternity
(e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.
-
Exercise
(ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a
purchase.
-
Grocery List
(grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take
with you to the store.
-
Hair Dresser
(hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able
to duplicate again. See "Magician."
-
Hardware
Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes
in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.
-
Childbirth
(child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to
hold your hand and say "focus ... breathe... push..."
-
Lipstick
(lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On
his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!
-
Park
(park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck."
After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
-
Patience
(pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children.
See also "tranquilizers."
-
Waterproof
Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or
swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.
-
Valentine's
Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight
dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card. (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Why Worry!
There are only two things to worry
about at any time.
Either you are well or you are sick.
If you are well then there is nothing
to worry about.
But if you are sick, then there are
two things to worry about.
Either you get well or you will die.
If you get well then there is nothing
to worry about.
But if you die, then there are two
things to worry about.
Either you go to Heaven or to Hell.
If you go to Heaven then there is
nothing to worry about.
But if you to to Hell, you will be so
busy shaking hands with people that you knew previously, you wont have time to
worry! (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Subtle Hint
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Mouse Revenge (teeeheee)
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Where Are You!!!???
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
SKIPPING SCHOOL
The local high school has a policy that the parents must call the school if a
student is to be absent for the day.
Kelly (name changed to protect the guilty), deciding to skip school and go to
the mall with her friends, waited until her parents had left for work and called
the school herself.
This is the actual conversation of the telephone call.
Kelly: "Hi, I'm calling to report that Kelly so-in-so is unable to make it to
school today because she is ill."
Secretary at high school: "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. I'll note her absence.
Who is this calling?"
Kelly: "This is my mother." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
How To Continue To Infuriate
After my husband and I had a huge argument, we ended up not talking to each
other for days.
Finally, on the third day, he asked where one of his shirts was.
"Oh," I said, "So now you're speaking to me."
He looked confused,
"What are you talking about?"
"Haven't you noticed I haven't spoken to you for three days?" I challenged.
"No," he said, "I just thought we were getting along." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
In Theory
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Presidential Study (You
got to love it!)
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Talking Clock
While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led
the way into the den.
"What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked.
"That is the talking clock," the man replied.
"How's it work?" the friend asked.
"Watch," the student said then proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering
pound with the hammer.
Suddenly someone screamed from the other side of the wall, "KNOCK IT OFF, YOU
JERK! It's 2 AM!" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
