Internet Reality
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
You've Hit An Artery
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Be Right Back!
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Don't Despair
Sitting by the window in her convent, Sister Anne opened a letter from home
and found a $10 bill inside. As she read the letter, she caught sight of a
shabbily dressed stranger leaning against a lamppost below.
Quickly she wrote, "Don't despair, Sister Anne" on a piece of paper, wrapped
the $10 in it and dropped it out the window. The stranger picked it up and, with
a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street. The next
day Sister Anne was told that a man was at the door, insisting on seeing her.
She went down and found the stranger waiting. Without a word, he handed her a
roll of bills. "What's this?" she asked. "That's the 60 bucks you have coming.
Don't Despair paid five to one." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Mine ~ You Have A Problem?
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Rock Fighting
"I'm ashamed of you," the mother said. "Fighting with your best friend is a
terrible thing to do!" "He threw a rock at me!" the boy said. "So I threw one at
him."
The mother stated emphatically, "When he threw a rock at you, you should have
come to me."
The boy quickly replied, "What good would that have done? My aim is much
better than yours." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
North Dakota
submitted by Karen Savory
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her
car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window
and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She
jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. Again, the
trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly,
"Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the
street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath the
blonde gets out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the truck door.
The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you
are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green, the trucker revs up and races to the next light.
When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck and runs back to the
blonde. He knocks on her window and as she lowers it, he says...
"Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in North Dakota and
I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
At Your Service
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LOST IN THE PARK
A police car pulls up in front of grandma Bessie's house, and grandpa Morris
gets out. The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that
he was lost in the park and couldn't find his way home.
"Oh Morris", said grandma, "You've been going to that park for over 30 years!
So how could you get lost ? "
Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman couldn't hear. Morris
whispered, "Lost I wasn't.....I was just too tired to walk home." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Real Cabbage Patch Kids
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Bravery
General McKenzie was in charge of the Navy, and he was visiting his colleague
General Marshall, who was in charge of the Army. McKenzie arrives at the
military camp and is greeted by Marshall. They both walk around the place, and
McKensie asks: "So how are your men?" "Very well trained, Gral. McKenzie."
"I hope so. You see, my men over at the Navy are so well trained, you can see
they're the bravest men from all over the country."
"Well, my men are very brave, too."
"I'd like to see that."
So Marshall calls private Cooper and says: "Private Cooper! I want you to
stop that tank coming here with your body!"
"Are you crazy? It'd kill me, you stupid jerk! I'm out of here!" As private
Cooper ran away, Marshall turned to a bewildered McKenzie and said:
"You see? You have to be pretty brave to talk like that to a general." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Password
While my brother-in-law was tapping away on his home computer, his
ten-year-old daughter sneaked up behind him. Then she turned and ran into the
kitchen, squealing to the rest of the family, "I know Daddy's password! I know
Daddy's password!" "What is it? her sisters asked eagerly.
Proudly she replied, "Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk!" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Identifying Cars
Jim was annoyed when his blonde wife told him that a car had backed into her,
damaging a fender, and that she hadn't gotten the license number. "What kind of
car was he driving?" he asked. "I don't know," she said. "I never can tell one
car from another."
At that, Jim decided the time had come for a learning course, and for the
next few days, whenever they were driving, he made her name each car they passed
until he was satisfied that she could recognize every make.
It worked. About a week later she bounded in with a pleased expression on her
face. "Darling," she said. "I hit a Buick!" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Places To Avoid At Halloween
- Avoid any house that seems to be imploding into a hole in the ground.
- Avoid any house that seems to be made of food.
- Avoid any house that has ornamental lawn hyenas.
- Avoid any house whose only entrance goes to the basement.
- Avoid any house where all the high-tension power lines seem to stop.
- Avoid any house that growls, "Get out!" when you approach the door.
- Avoid any house where the furniture seems to be walking around the living
room.
- Avoid any house that looks more like a giant, pulsating orb floating
several feet above the ground than a house.
- Avoid any house with a yard full of statues of people in odd running
poses.
- And most importantly... avoid any house that wasn't there a couple of
seconds ago! (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Over Worked Mouse
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
CONFUSING TIME ZONES
Stationed in Okinawa, Japan, my son and his wife were expecting their first
baby.
I was elated when he called me at work with the news of my grandchild's
birth. I took down all the statistics, and turned to relate it all to my
co-workers.
"I'm a grandmother!" I declared. "It's a baby girl, and she weighs five
pounds."
"When was she born?" someone asked.
Recalling the date my son told me, I stopped, looked at the calendar, and
said in amazement, "Tomorrow!" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Where's My Kitty?
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
You Are Here!
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Death in the Family
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned
about his employee's well being, asks sympathetically, "What's the matter?"
The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my
mother had passed away."
"I'm terribly sorry to hear that. Why don't you go home for the day... we
aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."
The blonde very calmly explains, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep
my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."
The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. "If you need
anything, just let me know," he says.
A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out
over his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. He rushes out to her,
and asks, "Are you going to be okay? Is there anything I can do to help?"
"No," replies the blonde, "I just got a call from my sister, and she said
that HER mom died too!" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
God Drives:
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Swallowed Bug
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
When Eggs Go Bad
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Simple Redneck Wedding
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Hell Froze Over (And
who said it couldn't happen!)
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Cigars and
Candy
Submitted by my sister Linda O'Nele
An unmarried girl who worked in a
busy office arrived one morning and
began passing out big cigars and
candy, both tied with blue ribbons. When
asked what the occasion was, she
proudly displayed a new diamond solitaire
ring on her third finger, left hand,
and announced, "It's a boy, six feet
tall and 190 pounds!" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
A Chair
Submitted by my sister Linda O'Nele
A husband and wife were shopping when the wife said, "Darling, it's my
mother's birthday tomorrow. What shall we buy for her? She would like something
electric." The husband replied, "How about a chair?" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Funny
definitions: (Some of these might be other places on
this site but most are new!)
Submitted by my sister Linda O'Nele
-
ACRE:
Literally means the amount of land plowable in one day. So in my case it would
be four feet by four feet.
-
ADULT: A
person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
-
AMNESIA:
condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.
-
ARBITRATOR
(ar'-bi-tray'-ter): A cook that leaves Arby's to work at Burger King.
-
ATHEISM
is a non-prophet organization. -- George Carlin
-
AVOIDABLE
(uh-voy'-duh-buhl'): What a bullfighter tries to do.
-
BEAUTY PARLOR:
Places where women curl up and dye.
-
CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.
-
CANTALOUPE:
Gotta get married in a church.
-
CAR SICKNESS:
The feeling you get when the car payment is due.
-
CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
-
CLOTHES DRYER:
An appliance designed to eat socks.
-
COLLEGE:
The four year period when parents are permitted access to the telephone.
-
COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
-
CONTROL
(kon'-trol): A short, ugly inmate.
-
DUMBWAITER:
One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
-
DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.
-
EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
-
EMERGENCY
NUMBERS: Police station, Fire Department and Places that deliver.
-
ETERNITY:
The last two minutes of a football game.
-
EYEDROPPER
(i'-drop-ur): A clumsy ophthalmologist.
-
FAMILY
PLANNING: the art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to
keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
-
FANCY
RESTAURANT: One that serves cold soup on purpose.
-
FEEDBACK:
The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
-
FULL NAME:
What you call your child when you're mad at him/her.
-
GOSSIP:
A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage
-
GRANDMOTHER:
A baby-sitter who doesn't hang around the refrigerator.
-
GRANDPARENTS:
The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're
not raising them right.
-
GROCERY LIST:
What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.
-
HAIR DRESSER:
Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again.
See "Magician."
-
HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.
-
HEARSAY:
What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
-
HEROES (hee-rhos'):
What a guy in a boat does.
-
HORS D'OEUVRES:
A sandwich cut into 20 pieces.
-
IMPREGNABLE:
A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
-
INDEPENDENT:
How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
-
INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
-
KISSING:
A means of getting two people so close together that they can't see anything
wrong with each other.
-
MISTY (mis-tee'):
How golfers create divots.
-
MYTH: A
female moth.
-
MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.
-
OW: The
first word spoken by children with older siblings.
-
PARADOX
(par'-u-doks'): Two physicians.
-
PARK:
Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a
noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
-
POLYGON:
A dead parrot.
-
PRENATAL:
When your life was still somewhat your own.
-
PRIMATE
(pri'-mate'): Removing your husband from in front of the TV.
-
PRIVATE TUTOR:
Someone who doesn't fart in public.
-
PUDDLE:
A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
-
RELIEF (ree-leef'):
What trees do in the spring.
-
RUBBERNECK:
What you do to relax your wife.
-
SEAMSTRESS:
Describes 250 pounds in a size 6.
-
SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.
-
SELFISH:
What the owner of a seafood store does.
-
SHOW OFF:
A child who is more talented than yours.
-
SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
-
STERILIZE:
What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's
pacifier by blowing on it.
-
SUBDUED
(sub-dood'): Like, a guy who, like, works on one of those, like, submarines,
man.
-
SUDAFED:
Brought litigation against a government official.
-
TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.
-
TOP BUNK:
Where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.
-
TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
-
TWO-MINUTE
WARNING: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those
familiar grunting noises.
-
YAWN: An
honest opinion openly expressed.
-
VUJA DE:
The Feeling You've Never Been Here.
-
WRINKLES:
Something other people have. You have character lines. (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Food Fight (Early Life)
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Caught
I was playing tooth fairy when my daughter, Sheila, suddenly woke up. Seeing
the money in my hand, she cried out, "I caught you!"
I froze and tried to think of an explanation for why I, instead of the tooth
fairy, was putting the money under her pillow but her next words let me off the
hook.
"You put that money back!" she said indignantly. "The tooth fairy left that
for me!" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Mini Cinderella
After watching the movie Cinderella, five-year-old Sarah started using her
pinwheel as a magic wand, pretending she was a fairy godmother. "Make three
wishes," she told her mother, "and I'll grant them." Her mom first asked for
world peace. Sarah swung her wand and proclaimed the request fulfilled. Next,
her mother requested for a cure for all ill children. Again, with a sweep of the
pinwheel, Sarah obliged. The mother, with a glance down at her rather ample
curves, made her third wish, "I wish to have a trim figure again." The miniature
fairy godmother started waving her wand madly. "I'll need more power for this!"
she exclaimed. (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
RAPID RESPONSE
Working on a small town ambulance, it was not uncommon for my husband and me
to stop at the local grocer to buy food for dinner after a call. I had gone in
to get a head of lettuce and some apples. Unknown to me the floor was wet from
the newly installed produce sprayers.
Down I went, hitting my head hard. When I came to, the manager of the store
was sitting beside me telling me not to move, that he had called 911.
At the same time my pager went off and he looked at me and asked, “What was
that?
I said "My pager, I am 911."
He looked at me, shocked " Boy, you guys are fast!" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Make Money Being Stupid - HERE'S THE
PROOF!
It is a known fact that Engineers, Scientists, and Professors rarely make as
much money as corporate executives. There is a mathematical proof which explains
why this is true:
POSTULATE 1: Knowledge is Power.
POSTULATE 2: Time is Money.
As every engineer knows,
WORK
TIME
= POWER
Since knowledge is power, and time is
money, we have:
WORK
MONEY =
KNOWLEDGE
Solving for Money, we get:
WORK
KNOWLEDGE
= MONEY
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity regardless of
the amount of Work done. Conclusion: The Less you Know, the More you Make! (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Thanksgiving Turkey
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Redneck House Alarm (Hi-End)
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Rodeo (Almost! - Rats!)
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Tough Working Conditions
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Art Appreciation
A rather Posh Lady was sauntering around an exclusive London art gallery when
she stopped by one particular exhibit.
"I suppose this picture of a hideous witch is what you would call modern
art?" she asked in a very pompous manner.
"No, Ma'm," replied the gallery assistant, "it's what we call a mirror." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
"The Advantages of Breast Milk"
A not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science classroom,
staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question directed: "Give four
advantages of breast milk."
What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head,
hoping for the best:
So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a fourth answer. Again, what to
write? Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled, then sighed again.
Suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly, he scribbled his
definitive answer:
- 4. Available in attractive containers of varying sizes.
He received an A (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Cat Frustration
A man who absolutely hated his wife's cat decided to get rid of him one day
by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.
As he was nearing home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day, he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away and try the same
thing.
As we was driving back into his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking
the cat farther and farther away, but the darn cat would always beat him home.
At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past
the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what
he thought was a safe distance from his home and he left the cat there.
Hours later, the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"
"Yes," the wife answers. "Why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answers: "Put that cat on the phone. I'm lost and I need
directions!" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Who Made Us?
A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime
story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to
touch his wrinkled cheek.
She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke
up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago."
"Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God make me too?"
"Yes, indeed honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago."
Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at
it, isn't he?" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Redneck Computer Terms
-
Backup -> What you do when you run
across a skunk in the woods.
-
Bar Code -> Them's the fight'n
rules down at the local tavern.
-
Byte -> What your pit bull done to
cousin Jethro.
-
Cache -> Needed when you run out of
food stamps
-
Chip -> Pasture muffins you try not
to step in.
-
Crash -> When you go to Junior's
party uninvited.
-
Diskette -> Female Disco dancer.
-
Fax -> What you lie about to the
IRS.
-
Hacker -> Uncle Leroy after 32
years of smoking.
-
Internet -> Where cafeteria workers
put their hair.
-
Keyboard -> Where you hang the keys
to the John Deere.
-
Mac -> Big Bubba's favorite food.
-
Megahertz -> How your head feels
after 17 beers.
-
Modem -> What ya did when the grass
and weeds got too tall.
-
Mouse Pad -> Where Mickey and
Minnie live.
-
Online -> Where to stay when taking
the sobriety test.
-
ROM -> Where the Pope lives.
-
Screen -> Helps keep the skeeters
off the porch.
-
Serial Port -> A red wine you drink
with breakfast.
-
Superconductor -> Amtrak's employee
of the year.
-
SCSI -> What you call your week old
underwear. (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Weather Forecast
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
