Talking Frog
A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If
you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the
frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
beautiful Princess, I will stay with you for one week." The boy took the frog
out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a Princess,
I'll stay with you and do anything you want." Again the boy took the frog out,
smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is it? I've told you I'm a beautiful Princess,
that I'll stay with you for a week and do *Anything* you want. Why won't you
kiss me?
The boy said, "Look I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for
girlfriends, but a talking frog is really cool." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
DINNER MEMORIES
"Hey, Dad," one of my kids asked the other day, "what was your favorite fast
food when you were growing up?"
"We didn't have fast food when I was growing up," I informed him. "All the
food was slow."
"C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?"
"It was a place called 'at home'," I explained. "Grandma cooked every day,
and when Grandpa got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room
table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there
until I did like it."
By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to
suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to
have permission to leave the table. (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Playing It Safe For Thanksgiving
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
New Drugs For Men
With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs
oriented towards improving the performance of men in today's society.
- DIRECTRA - A dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips
caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask for directions when they got lost
compared to a control group where only 0.2 percent asked for directions.
- PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to
actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.
- CHILDAGRA - Men taking this drug reported a sudden, overwhelming urge to
perform more child-care tasks, especially cleaning up spills and little
accidents.
- COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men
administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently
being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.
- BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy
their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after taking this drug for only two
days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer
than your favorite store's return limit.
- NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect of making men want to
turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.
- CAPAGRA - Caused test subjects to become uncharacteristically fastidious
about lowering toilet seats and replacing toothpaste caps. Subjects on higher
doses were seen dusting furniture.
- PRYAGRA - About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test
group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people.
Note: Apparent overdose turned three test subjects into special prosecutors. (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
If You Promise
A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of
school: "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at
school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Expecting
How does Alice like being pregnant?" Bob asked his friend John.
"Oh, she's not pregnant," John replied, "she's expecting."
"What's the difference?" Bob pressed.
"Well, John explained, "She's expecting me to cook dinner, she's expecting me
to do the housework, she's expecting me to rub her feet . . ." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
'T'was the Night of
Thanksgiving
T'was the night of Thanksgiving,
But I just couldn't sleep.
I tried counting backwards,
I tried counting sheep
The leftovers beckoned ---
The dark meat and white,
But I fought the temptation
with all of my might.
Tossing and turning
with anticipation......
The thought of a snack
became infatuation.....
So I raced to the kitchen,
Flung open the door,
And gazed at the fridge
full of goodies galore.
I gobbled up turkey
and buttered potatoes,
Pickles and carrots,
beans and tomatoes..
I felt myself swelling
so plump and so round,
Till all of a sudden,
I rose off the ground !!
I crashed through the ceiling.
Floating into the sky....
With a mouthful of pudding
and a handful of pie,
But I managed to yell as
I soared past the trees.......
HAPPY EATING TO ALL !!
PASS THE CRANBERRIES PLEASE !! (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Thanksgiving described by kids
The Pilgrams were a bunch of English wonderers who wanted to worship as they
wanted to. They excaped the Church of England and came over here because they
heard that American churches were different.
The May Flower was the ship with which they came in. It didn't have a
bathroom on board so there was quite an odor. Priscillia Mullins was the
captain.
First the Pilgrams had gone to Holland but left when their children started
developing customs there. After a stopover at Williamsbug when a large storm
blew them off course they landed on a big, slimey rock in Massatusetts. They
spent the winter there.
Before they got off the ship even they drew up an agreement for the people of
Plymouth to agree on the voting for governors and congressmen. They kept this
hid in the May Flower Compact. Lord Delaware was elected the first governor of
Plymouth Rock.
A friendly Indian named Rhone Oak showed the Pilgrams how to plant corn by
putting it in the ground. Rhone Oak had been the first Indian to come to America
and always wanted a beer. He traveled around with Miles Standy and translated
language.
Another interupter for the white man was Squanto, who was called that because
he was so short. Squanto drew up a declaration to give the settlers freedom of
goverment in the new land. The Pilgrams gave the Indians thanks for all this and
that's what started Thanksgiving.
The Pilgrams then appointed Thanksgiving as a national holiday. Abraham
Lincoln later pronounced it and gave it to them and it soon became a national
holiday all around the world.
These people always wore old shoes with a big buckel on the top of them. The
men wore pants that only came a little ways past the knees and the girls wore
funny bonets.
But if these people wouldn't had of come to America the United States
wouldn't be like it is today. (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
To my Thanksgiving guests
Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving.
I'm telling you in advance, so don't act surprised. Since Ms. Stewart won't be
coming, I've made a few small changes:
Our sidewalk will not be lined with homemade, paper bag
luminaries. After a trial run, it was decided that no matter how cleverly done,
rows of flaming lunch sacks do not have the desired welcoming effect.
The dining table will not be covered with expensive linens,
fancy china or crystal goblets. If possible, we will use dishes that match and
everyone will get a fork. Since this IS Thanksgiving, we will refrain from using
the plastic Peter Rabbit plate and the Santa napkins from last Christmas.
Our centerpiece will not be the tower of fresh fruit and
flowers that I promised. Instead we will be displaying a hedgehog-like
decoration hand-crafted from the finest construction paper. The artist assures
me it is a turkey.
We will be dining fashionably late. The children will
entertain you while you wait. I'm sure they will be happy to share every choice
comment I have made regarding Thanksgiving, pilgrims and the turkey hotline.
Please remember that most of these comments were made at 5:00 AM upon
discovering that the turkey was still hard enough to cut diamonds. As
accompaniment to the children's recital, I will play a recording of tribal
drumming. If the children should mention that I don't own a recording of tribal
drumming, or that tribal drumming sounds suspiciously like a frozen turkey in a
clothes dryer, ignore them. They are lying.
We toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty silver bell to
announce the start of our feast. In the end, we chose to keep our traditional
method. We've also decided against a formal seating arrangement. When the smoke
alarm sounds, please gather around the table and sit where you like. In the
spirit of harmony, we will ask the children to sit at a separate table. In a
separate room. Next door.
Now I know you have all seen pictures of one person carving a
turkey in front of a crowd of appreciative onlookers. This will not be happening
at our dinner. For safety reasons, the turkey will be carved in a private
ceremony. I stress "private" meaning: Do not, under any circumstances, enter the
kitchen to laugh at me. Do not send small, unsuspecting children to check on my
progress. I have an electric knife. The turkey is unarmed. It stands to reason
that I will eventually win. When I do, we will eat.
Before I forget, there is one last change.
Instead of offering a choice between 12 different scrumptious
desserts, we will be serving the traditional pumpkin pie, garnished with whipped
cream and small fingerprints. You will still have a choice: take it or leave it.
Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving.
She probably won't come next year either.
I am thankful. (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Friend For Dinner
"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."
"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the
dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"
"I know all that."
"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"
"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Evasion
Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box
that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him
over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in
the road. The policeman stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to
contain large upholstery tacks.
"I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am
still going to have to write you a ticket."
Amazed, the driver asked for what.
The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
First Game
When young Jose, newly arrived in the United States, made his
first trip to Yankee Stadium, there were no tickets left for sale. Touched by
his disappointment, a friendly ticket salesman found him a perch near the
American flag.
Later, Jose wrote home enthusiastically about his experience.
"And the Americans, they are so friendly!" he concluded. "Before the game
started, they all stood up and looked at me and asked, 'Jose, can you see?'" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Graciousness
Bernard, who is noted for his gracious manners, was awakened
one morning at four forty four a.m. by his ringing telephone ... "Your dog's
barking, and it's keeping me awake," said an angry voice. Bernard thanked the
caller and politely asked his name and number before hanging up. The next
morning at precisely four forty four a.m., Bernard called his neighbor back ...
"Good morning, Mr. Williams ... I just called to say that I don't *have* a dog." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
The Time
A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly
remembers an important meeting. Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he
cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling
about within the hospital fence.
Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir,
but do you have the time?"
The patient calls back, "One moment!" and throws himself upon
the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the
ground, and, pulling out a carpenter's level, assures himself that the stick is
vertical.
With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel
ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick.
Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient
calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the
pedestrian, saying, "It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th,
which I believe it is."
The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration,
and sets his watch accordingly.
Before he leaves, he says to the patient, "That was really
quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when
the stick casts no shadow?" The patient holds up his wrist and says, "I suppose
I'd just look at my watch." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Blind Date
An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old
man. When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed
upset.
"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.
"I had to slap his face three times!"
"You mean he got fresh?"
"No," she answered...
"I thought he was dead!" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Holiday Merger
Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and
acquisitions, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and
Hanukkah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works
for about 1300 years.
While details were not available at press time, it is
believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight
days of Hanukkah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces,
we're told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service
during the Fifteen Days of Chrismukah, as the new holiday is being called.
Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids
a-milking being the hardest hit. As part of the conditions of the agreement, the
letters on the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus
becoming unintelligible to a wider audience.
Also, instead of translating to "A great miracle happened
there," the message on the dreydl will be the more generic "Miraculous stuff
happens." In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa
Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their
gifts.
One of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at
least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could
leave milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner. A
breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared to be Kosher. All
sides appeared happy about this.
A spokesman for Christmas, Inc., declined to say whether a
takeover of Kwanzaa might not be in the works as well. He merely pointed out
that, were it not for the independent existence of Kwanzaa, the merger between
Christmas and Chanukah might indeed be seen as an unfair cornering of the
holiday market. Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to
maintain the competitive balance. He then closed the press conference by leading
all present in a rousing rendition of "Oy Vey, All Ye Faithful."
A whole new meaning to the word ecumenical!!!! (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Stiletto Cycle
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
A Clean House Is...
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
The Ancient Code Of Bachelorhood
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Windows 2010
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Mother In Law
Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in
a three-piece suit.
"This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter," said one.
"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.
And so they haggled before the King until he called for silence.
"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew the young
attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half."
"Sounds good to me," said the first lady.
But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the
other woman's daughter marry him."
The wise king did not hesitate a moment. He proclaimed, "The attorney must
marry the first lady's daughter."
"But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the king's court.
"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-
in-law." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Christmas Gift
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Time Off
Two men working in a facory were talking. "I know how to get some time off,"
said one. "How are you going to do that?"
"Watch," he said, and climbed up on a rafter. The foreman asked what he was
doing up there, and the man replied."I'm a lightbulb."
"I think you need some time off," the foreman said said, and the first man
walked out of the factory. After a moment, the second man followed him.
"Where do you think you're going?" the foreman shouted.
"I can't work in the dark," he said. (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
The Eyes
A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car.
After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes
are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"
The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice
your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Just One Question
A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed
his 4-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event.
The man thought, "Great...he's 4 and I'm gonna have to start explaining the
birds and bees. No need to jump the gun - I'll just let him ask, and I'll
answer."
After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and
said, "Well son, do you have any questions?"
"Just one." gasped the still wide-eyed lad. "How fast was
that calf going when he hit that cow?" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
DO YOU HAVE THE TIME?
A man had been driving all night, and by morning was still
far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to, and
park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep.
As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to
be on one of the city's major jogging routes. No sooner had he settled back to
snooze when there came a knocking on his window.
He looked out, and saw a jogger running in place.
"Yes?"
"Excuse me, sir," the jogger said, "do you have the time?"
The man looked at the car clock, and answered, "8:15".
The jogger said "Thanks", and left. The man settled back
again, and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window and
another jogger.
"Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?"
"8:25!"
The jogger said "Thanks", and left. Now the man could see
other joggers passing by, and he knew it was only a matter of time before
another one disturbed him. To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and
put a sign in his window saying, "I do not know the time!"
Once again, he settled back to sleep. He was just dozing off
when there was another knock on the window.
"Sir, it's 8:45!" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
DIE HARD FAN!
Carol was reading a newspaper, while her husband was
engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing.
"Listen to this," she said. "There's a classified ad here
where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season Broncos ticket."
"Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine.
Teasing him, Carol said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?"
"Absolutely not," he said.
"How sweet," Carol said. "Tell me why not."
"Season's more than half over," he said. (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Gulf Wars Episode II
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Nuclear Power
Two strangers are sitting in an adjacent seats in airplane.
One guy says to the other, "Let's talk. I hear that the flight will go faster if
you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The other guy, who had just opened a good book, closes it
slowly, takes off his glasses and asks, "What would you like to discuss?"
The first guy says, "Oh, I don't know; how about Nuclear
Power?"
The other guy says, "OK, that could make for some pretty
interesting conversation. But let me ask you a question first: A horse, a cow,
and a deer all eat the same stuff, but the deer excretes pellets; the cow, big
patties; and the horse, clumps of dried grass. Why is that?"
The first guy says, "I don't know."
The other guy says, "Oh? Well then, do you really think
you're qualified to discuss Nuclear Power when you don't know the differences in
stool's?" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Actual Newspaper Ads:
ILLITERATE ? Write today for
free help.
AUTO REPAIR SERVICE. Free
pick up and delivery. Try us once, you will never go anywhere again.
DOG FOR SALE Eats anything
and is fond of children
STOCK UP AND SAVE. Limit:
one.
SEMI ANNUAL AFTER XMAS SALE
DINNER SPECIAL. Turkey
$3.25; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00
FOR SALE: Antique desk
suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
NOW IS YOUR CHANCE to have
your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
GREAT DAMES for sale.
TIRED OF CLEANING YOURSELF?
Let me do it
FOR RENT: 6 room hated
apartment
WANTED: Man to take care of
cow that does not smoke or drink
OUR BIKINIS ARE EXCITING.
They are simply the tops.
AND NOW, the superstore
unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
WE WILL OIL your sewing
machine and adjust tension in your home for $1 (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Canadian Hunters
Two men from Canada were out
hunting. They decided to separate to get a better chance of catching something.
The first man says to the
other, "If you get lost, fire three shots into the air every hour. That way I
can pinpoint you and find you."
After about three hours, the
second man finds he is really lost. He decides to fire three shots into the air
as the first man told him. He then waits an hour and does it again. He repeats
this until he is out of ammo.
The next morning, the first
man finds the second with the help of forest rangers. He asks the first man if
he did what he told him to do.
The man answers, "Yes, I
fired three shots into the air every hour on the hour until I ran out of
arrows." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Barbie's Nasty Christmas
Letter To Santa
Dear Santa:
Listen you fat little troll,
I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas
present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake
tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S
DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had better be some changes around here by next
Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't
wanna be around to smell it). So, here's my holiday wish list:
-
1. A nice, comfy pair of
sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweat shirt. I'm sick of looking like
“designer” trash. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you
have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and Velcro crawling up your
butt?
-
2. Real underwear that can
be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to
cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!
-
3. A REAL man...maybe G.I.
Joe. I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend Ken.
And what's with that earring anyway?
-
4. Arms that actually bend
so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away.
-
5. Breast reduction
surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just get it done.
-
6. A jogging bra. To wear
until I get the surgery.
-
7. A new career. Pet
doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or
better yet, an advertising account exec.
-
8. A new, more 21st
century persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of
chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights
Barbie", with my very own paint gun, outfitted with a fake fur coat and
handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie", sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and
equipped with several packs of gum.
-
9. No more McDonald's
endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.
-
10. Mattel stock options.
It's been 37 years. I think I deserve it.
Ok, Santa, that's it.
Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests
are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bimbo doll
for next Christmas. It's that simple.
Yours truly,
Barbie (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
