Santa Claws!
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Blonde Kidnapping
A blonde, out of money and
down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately.
To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom.
She went to the local
playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building, and told her,
"I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a big note
saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag
and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides on the south side of the
playground. Signed, A blonde."
The blonde then pinned the
note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next
morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the
apple tree. The blonde looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that
said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Meeting
Two women meet in a
supermarket, become friendly and out come "the pictures" of the children. After
the usual OOOOHHHHS & AAAAHHHS the first women says, "Let's see your children
now." The second woman says, "I have no children". The other then asks, "So what
do you do for aggravation? (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Christmas Cards:
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
No Christmas Gift
One year, a particular
husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a gift one Christmas. He decided to
purchase a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift for her.
The mother-in-law thought it
was quite strange but she just thought that she would not have to buy one when
the time comes.
So the next year comes
around and the husband did not buy her a gift this time.
When she asked him why, he
replied,
"Well, you still haven't
used the gift I bought you last year!" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
LEARNING HOW TO GOLF
A retiree was given a set of
golf clubs by his coworkers. Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro
for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing at all about golf.
The pro showed him the
stance and the swing, then said, "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first
green."
The novice teed up and
smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped
inches from the hole.
"Now what?" the fellow asked
the speechless pro.
"Uh... you're supposed to
hit the ball into the cup," the pro finally said, after he was able to speak
again.
"Oh, great! Now you tell
me," said the beginner, in a disgusted tone. (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Grading Papers
A teacher was correcting
exam papers when he came across Peter's effort: a sheet of paper, blank apart
from his name and "Act II Macbeth. Scene V. Line 28".
The teacher reached for his
Shakespeare and turned to Macbeth where he found that the 28th line of the fifth
scene of the second act read, "I cannot do this bloody thing." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Snoopy's Christmas
The news had come out in the
First World War
The bloody Red Baron was
flying once more
The Allied command ignored
all of its men
And called on Snoopy to do
it again.
Was the night before
Christmas, 40 below
When Snoopy went up in
search of his foe
He spied the Red Baron,
fiercely they fought
With ice on his wings Snoopy
knew he was caught.
Christmas bells those
Christmas bells
Ring out from the land
Asking peace of all the
world
And good will to man
The Baron had Snoopy dead in
his sights
He reached for the trigger
to pull it up tight
Why he didn't shoot, well,
we'll never know
Or was it the bells from the
village below.
Christmas bells those
Christmas bells
Ringing through the land
Bringing peace to all the
world
And good will to man
The Baron made Snoopy fly to
the Rhine
And forced him to land
behind the enemy lines
Snoopy was certain that this
was the end
When the Baron cried out,
"Merry Christmas, my friend"
The Baron then offered a
holiday toast
And Snoopy, our hero,
saluted his host
And then with a roar they
were both on their way
Each knowing they'd meet on
some other day.
Christmas bells those
Christmas bells
Ringing through the land
Bringing peace to all the
world
And good will to man (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
"EMERGENCY"
A couple of redneck hunters
are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be
breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other redneck starts to
panic, then whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
He frantically blurts out to
the operator, "O my! Help! My friend just died. He's Dead! What can I do?"
The operator, trying to calm
him says, "Take it easy. I can help. Just listen to me and follow my
instructions. First, lets make sure he's dead." There's a short pause, and then
the operator hears a loud gun shot!
The redneck comes back on
the line and says, "OK, now what?" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Biker Santa
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Car
Opener
A mother left stranded after
her one-year-old son ate a vital component of her car key managed to start the
vehicle by holding him over the wheel.
A quick-thinking RAC
patrolman suggested the ingenious solution after working out that toddler Oscar
Webster had swallowed a radio transponder from the key.
Unless this is close to the
steering column when the driver attempts to start the car, nothing will happen.
The tiny part, which was
only the size of an aspirin, managed to make contact with the car's immobiliser
- even though it was passing through the tot's stomach at the time.
It has since re-emerged with
no harm done to Oscar. (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Aging
Fast
Do you realize that the only
time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids?
If you're less than 10 years
old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.
How old are you?.... "I'm
four and a half "....
You're never 36 and a
half....
you're four and a half going
on five!
That's the key. You get into
your teens, now they can't hold you back.
You jump to the next number.
How old are you? "I'm gonna be 16."
You could be 12, but you're
gonna be 16.
And then the greatest day of
your life happens....
you become 21. Even the
words sound like a ceremony....
you BECOME 21...YESsss!!!
But then you turn 30....
ooohhh what happened there?
Makes you sound like bad
milk....
He TURNED, we had to throw
him out. There's no fun now.
What's wrong?? What
changed??
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30,
then you're PUSHING 40....
.stay over there, it's all
slipping away........
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30,
you're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50.....
and your dreams are gone.
Then you MAKE IT to 60.....
you didn't think you'd make
it!!!!
So you BECOME 21, you TURN
30, you're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50, you MAKE IT to 60...... then you build up
so much speed you HIT 70!
After that, it's a day by
day thing.
After that, you HIT
Wednesday....
You get into your 80's, you
HIT lunch.
You TURN 4:30;
My grandmother won't even
buy green bananas....
it's an investment you know,
and maybe a bad one.
And it doesn't end there....
into the 90's you start
going backwards....
I was JUST 92...
Then a strange thing
happens.
If you make it over 100, you
become a little kid again....
"I'm 100 and a half!!!
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Don’t
Laugh
A brunette, a redhead, and a
blonde were on their way to Heaven.
God told them that the
stairway to Heaven was 1000 steps, and that
on every 5th step He would
tell them a joke. He told them not to
laugh at any of the jokes
along the way or else they would not be
able to enter Heaven.
The brunette went first and
started laughing on the 45th step, so
she could not enter Heaven.
The redhead went next and
started laughing on the 200th step, so
she could not enter Heaven
either.
Then, it was the blonde's
turn. When she got to the 999th step,
she started laughing.
"Why are you laughing?" God
asked. "I didn't tell a joke."
"I know," the blonde
replied. "I just got the first joke." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Hanging Lights
It’s house trimming time at
Sue Salah’s home in Royal Oak , Mich.,
and the neighbors are
dialing 911. Salah eventually took down her
little Christmas joke after
police complained about all the “injury”
calls they were getting.
Daily Tribune photo by Dick
Hunt via Associated Press
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Tiny
Swimsuit
A 16-year-old girl bought
herself a very tiny bikini. She went home and put it on, then showed her mother
how she looked in it. "What do you think mom?"
Her mother replied, "I think
that if I had worn that when I was your age, you'd be five years older!"
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
How Things Work In Real Life
Start with a cage containing
five monkeys. Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of
stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb
towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other
monkeys with cold water.
After a while, another
monkey makes an attempt with the same result all the other monkeys are sprayed
with cold water. Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the
other monkeys will try to prevent it.
Now, put away the cold
water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new
monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise and
horror, all of the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack,
he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.
Next, remove another of the
original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the
stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with
enthusiasm! Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a
fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is
attacked.
Most of the monkeys that are
beating him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs or why
they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.
After replacing all the
original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold
water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the
banana. Why not? Because as far as they know that's the way it's always been
done around here.
And that, my friends, is how
a company policy begins. (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
My New Freezer Bag Labels
I have my changed my system
for labeling homemade freezer meals. I used to carefully note in large clear
letters, "Meatloaf" or "Pot Roast" or "Steak and Vegetables or "Chicken and
Dumplings" or "Beef Pot Pie."
However, I used to get very
frustrated when I asked my husband what he wanted for dinner because he never
asked for any of those things. So, I decided to stock the freezer with what he
really likes.
If you look in my freezer
now you'll see a whole new set of labels. You'll find dinners with neat, legible
tags that say: "Whatever," "Anything," "I Don't Know," "I Don't Care,"
"Something Good," or "Food."
My frustration is reduced
because no matter what my husband replies when I ask him what he wants for
dinner, I know that it will be there waiting. (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
The Clever Blonde
A young little blonde girl
comes back from school one evening. She runs to her mom and said:
"Mommie, today at school we
learnt how to count. Well, all the other girls only counted to 5, but listen to
me: 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10! That's good, innit?"
"Yes darling, very good."
"Is that because I'm
blonde?"
"Yes darling, it's because
you're blonde."
Next day, the little girl
comes back from school and said: "Mommie, today at school we learnt the
alphabet. All the other girls only went as far as D, but listen to me: A, B, C,
D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K ! That's good, innit?"
"Yes darling, very good."
"Is that because I'm blonde,
Mommie?'"
"Yes darling it's because
you're blonde."
Next day, she returns from
school and cries: "Mommie, today we went swimming, and well, all the other girls
have no breasts, but look at me!"
She proceeds to flash her
impressive 36D breasts at her Mom. "Is that because I'm blonde, Mommie?"
"No darling, it's because
you're 25." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
