Things
That Are Odd
From Sarah
Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee
breaks?
I was thinking about how people
seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older then it dawned
on me, they were cramming for their finals.
Employment application blanks always
ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write
. . A Very Good Doctor.
Why do they put pictures of criminals
up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . become Pen Pals
to these people? (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
New
Yorkers & Heaven:
From Thomas Coates
One day Saint Peter was in heaven
when some New Yorkers walked up the pearly gates. Saint Peter went to god
and said "God there are New Yorkers here, what do I do"
"Just do what you normally do" said
God.
Saint Peter went back. All of a
sudden Saint Peter comes running back to God and exclaimed "their gone".
God replies "who the New Yorkers?"
No replies Saint Peter "The Pearly
Gates" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Shipwrecked
Sent by Jane in Vermont
A hurricane blew across the Caribbean.
It didn't take long for the expensive yacht to be swamped by high waves,
sinking without a trace. There were only two survivors: the boat's owner
Dr. Eskin and the steward Benny.
Both managed to swim to the closest
island. After reaching the deserted strip of land, the steward was crying
and very upset that they would never be found.
The other man was quite calm, relaxing
against a tree.
"Dr. Eskin, Dr. Eskin, how can you
be so calm?" cried the Benny. "We're going to die on this lonely island.
We'll never be discovered here."
"Sit down and listen to what I have
to say, Benny," began the confident doctor. "Five years ago I gave the
United Way $500,000 and another $500,000 to the United Jewish Appeal.
I donated the same amounts four years ago. And, three years ago, since
I did very well in the stock market, I contributed $750,000 to each. Last
year business was good again, so the two charities each got a million dollars."
"So what?" shouted Benny.
"Well, it's time for their annual
fund drives. They'll find me." (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
Some
Sayings That Ought To Be Famous
(Unknown)
Kids in the back seat cause accidents;
accidents in the back seat cause kids.
Two wrongs don't make a right,
but two Wrights made an airplane.
The problem with the gene pool
is that there is no lifeguard.
Good health is merely the slowest
possible rate at which one can die.
It's not hard to meet expenses...they're
everywhere.
Jury: Twelve people who determine
which client has the better attorney.
The only difference between a rut
and a grave is the depth. (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
It's
all relative!:
(Unknown)
A man was taking his wife, who was
pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control and
crashed. Upon regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless
world-class practical joker, sitting at his bed side.
He asked his brother how his wife
was and his brother replied, "Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have
a son and a daughter. But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth
certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I
named them for you."
The husband was thinking to himself,
"Oh no, what has he done now?" and said with trepidation, "Well what did
you name them?"
The brother replied, "I named the
little girl Denise."
The husband, relieved, said, "That's
a very pretty name! What did you come up with for my son?"
The brother replied, "Denephew."
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
The Mule:
(unknown)
A newlywed farmer and his wife were
visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place.
The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law,
hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All
to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding
changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable
to the farmer and his new bride.
While they were walking through
the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer's mule suddenly reared
up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It
was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways.
At the funeral service a few days
later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked
by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to
the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something.
Whenever a man walked by and whispered
to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply.
Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer
what that was all about.
The farmer replied, "The women would
say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say 'Yes, it
was.'
The men would then ask, 'Can I borrow
that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't, it's all booked
up for a year." (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
Existence:
(unknown)
A college student was in a philosophy
class which had a discussion about God's existence. The professor presented
the following logic:
"Has anyone in this class heard
God?" Nobody spoke.
"Has anyone in this class touched
God?" Again, nobody spoke.
"Has anyone in this class seen
God?" When nobody spoke for the third time, he simply stated, "Then
there is no God."
One student thought for a second,
and then asked for permission to reply. Curious to hear this bold student's
response, the professor granted it, and the student stood up and asked
the following questions of his classmates:
"Has anyone in this class heard
our professor's brain?" Silence.
"Has anyone in this class touched
our professor's brain?" silence.
"Has anyone in this class seen
our professor's brain?" When nobody in the class dared to speak,
the student concluded, "Then, according to our professor's logic, it must
be true that our professor has no brain!"
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
The
Way Of Language:
(unknown)
The European Union commissioners
have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the
preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which
was the other possibility.
As part of negotiations, Her Majesty
Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement
and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish
(Euro for short).
In the first year, "s" will be used
instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will reseive this news
with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replased with "k". Not only will this
klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm
in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replased by "f".
This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse
of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated
changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double
letters, which have always been a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al
wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgraful,
and they would go.
By the forth year, peopl wil be
reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by "v". During
ze fifz year ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining"ou" and
similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz year, ve vil hav
a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trobls or difikultis and evrivum
vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru.
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Hell's
Not Big Enough:
(unknown)
The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral
Roberts were in a three-way plane crash over the Atlantic Ocean. Tragically,
they all died and went to the pearly gates together.
"Oh, this is terrible," exclaims
St. Peter, "I know you guys think we summoned you here, but this is just
one of those coincidences that happen. St. Peter was fretting, "Since we
weren't expecting you, your quarters just aren't ready. We can't take you
in just yet and we can't send you back."
Then he got an idea. He picked up
the phone, "Lucifer, this is Pete. Hey, I got these three guys up here.
They're ours, but we weren't expecting them, and we gotta fix the place
up for 'em. I was hoping you could put them up for a while. It'll only
be a couple of days. I'll owe you one."
Reluctantly, the Devil agreed.
Two days later...
"Pete, this is Lucifer. Hey you
gotta come get these three clowns. This Pope guy is forgiving everybody,
the Graham fellow is saving everybody, and Oral Roberts has raised enough
money to buy air conditioning."
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
The
New Dictionary
(Unknown)
Webster's has come out with a new
dictionary to reflect recent changes in the way English is spoken
Here are a few of the highlights:
Adult: A person who has stopped
growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
Chickens: The only animals you
eat before they are born and after they are dead.
Committee: A body that keeps minutes
and wastes hours.
Gossip: A person who will never
tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
Inflation: Cutting money in half
without damaging the paper.
Secret: Something you tell to one
person at a time.
Yawn: An honest opinion openly
expressed.
Wrinkles: Something other people
have. You have character lines.
Tomorrow: One of the greatest labor
saving devices of today.
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Moving:
(unknown)
3 buddies die in a car crash, they
go to heaven to an orientation.
They are all asked, "When you are
in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would
you like to hear them say about you?
The first guy says, "I would like
to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family
man."
The second guy says, "I would like
to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a
huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would like
to hear them say... Look, He's Moving!" (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
Junior:
(unknown)
There's a little fellow named Junior
who hangs out at Joe's Grocery Store. The owner Joe doesn't know what
Junior's problem is, but the boys like to tease him. They say he is two
bricks shy of a load, or two pickles shy of a barrel.
To prove it, sometimes they offer
Junior his choice between a nickel and a dime. He always takes the nickel,
they say, because it's bigger. One day after Junior grabbed the nickel,
Joe got him off to one side and said, "Junior, those boys are making fun
of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel.
Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?"
Junior said, "Well, if I took the
dime, they'd quit doing it!" (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
Take Note:
(unknown)
A one-dollar bill met a 20 dollar
bill and said, "Hey, where've you been? I haven't seen you around here
much."
The twenty answered, "I've been
hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the
ship, back to the United States for awhile, went to a couple of baseball
games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?"
The one dollar bill said, "You know,
same old stuff, church, church, church." (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
It
Ain't Going Away:
(unknow)
A young couple decided to wed. As
the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they
had never before shared with anyone, not even each other.
The Groom-to-be, overcoming his
fear, decided to ask his father for advice. "Father," he said, "I am deeply
concerned about the success of my marriage."
His father replied, "Don't you love
this girl?"
"Oh yes, very much," he said, "but
you see, I have very smelly feet, and I'm afraid that my fiancé
will be put off by them."
"No problem," said dad, "all you
have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks,
even to bed. "Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.
The bride-to-be, overcoming her
fear, decided to take her problem up with her mom." Mom," she said, "When
I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful."
"Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone
has bad breath in the morning."
"No, you don't understand, my morning
breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my fiancé will not want to sleep
in the same room with me."
Her mother said simply, "Try this.
In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the kitchen and make
breakfast. While the family is busy eating, move on to the bathroom and
brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed your
teeth."
"I shouldn't say good morning or
anything?" the daughter asked.
"Not a word," her mother affirmed.
"Well, it's certainly worth a try,"
she thought.
The loving couple were finally married.
Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks
and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until
about six months later. Shortly before dawn one morning, the husband wakes
with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the
consequences, he frantically searches the bed. This, of course, wakes his
bride and without thinking, she asks, "What on earth are you doing?"
"Oh, my," he replies, "you've swallowed
my sock!" (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
The
Windows 98 Read-Me Page
(unknown)
Congratulations on your purchase
of Windows 98 (c), the latest version of the world's #1 computer operating
system from Microsoft.
A) Before using your new software,
please take the time to read these instructions carefully. Failure to do
so may further limit the terms of the limited warranty.
Windows 98 (c) represents a significant
technological improvement over Microsoft's previous operating system, Windows
95 (c). You'll notice immediately that, "98" is a higher number than "95",
a better than 3 percent increase.
But that's not all. Windows 98 (c)
contains many features not found in Windows 95 (c), or in any competing
computer operating system. Among the improvements: faster storing and retrieving
of files (not in all models), enhanced "Caps Lock" and back-space functionality,
smoother handling, less knocking and pinging, an easy-to-follow 720-page
User's Guide, and rugged weather-resistant shrink wrap around the box.
Most important, Windows 98 (c) offers
superior compatibility with all existing Microsoft products. We're betting
that you'll never use another company's software again.
Windows 98 (c) comes factory-loaded
with the latest version of Microsoft Explorer, the world's most popular
Internet browser. And despite what you may have heard from the U.S. Department
of Justice, Windows 98 (c) offers you the freedom to select the Internet
browser of your choice, whether it's the one produced by the world's largest
and most trusted software producer, or by a smaller company that will either
go out of business or become part of the Microsoft family.
Configuring Windows 98 (c) to use
a browser other than Microsoft Explorer is easy. Simply open the "Options"
folder, click on the "time bomb" icon, and select "Load Inferior Browser."
A dialog box will ask "Are you sure?" Click "yes." This question may be
asked several more times in different ways and in 12 different languages;
just keep clicking "yes." Eventually, the time-bomb icon will enlarge to
fill the entire screen, signifying that the browser is being loaded. You'll
know the browser is fully loaded when the fuse on the time bomb "runs out"
and the screen "explodes."
If at any time after installation
you become disappointed with the slow speed and frequent data loss associated
with other browsers, simply tap the space bar on your keyboard. Microsoft
Explorer will automatically be re-installed permanently.
Windows 98 (c) also corrects, for
the first time anywhere, the "Year 2000" computer problem. As you may know,
most computers store the current year as a two-digit number and, as a result,
many will mistake the year 2000 for 1900. Windows 98 (c) solves the problem
by storing the year as a four-digit number and, in theory, you won't have
to upgrade this part of the operating system until the year 10000.
However, the extra memory required
to record the year in four digits has prompted a few minor changes in the
software's internal calendar. Henceforth, Saturday and Sunday will be stored
as single day, known as "Satsun," and the month of June will be replaced
by two 15-day months called "Bill" and "Melissa." Please also take the
time to complete the online registration form. It only takes a few minutes
and will help us identify the key software problems our customers want
addressed. Be assured that none of the information you provide, whether
it's your Social Security number, bank records, fingerprints, retina scan
or sexual history, will be shared with any outside company not already
designated as a Microsoft DataShare partner.
We've done our best to make using
Windows 98 (c) as trouble-free as possible. We want to hear from you if
you're having any problems at all with you software. Simply call our toll-free
Helpline and follow the recorded instructions carefully. (The Helpline
is open every day but Satsun, and is closed for the entire month of Bill.)
If we don't hear from you, we'll
assume your software is working perfectly, and an electronic message to
that effect will be forwarded to the Justice Department. We'll also send,
in your name, a letter to the editor of your hometown newspaper, reminding
him or her that American consumers want software designed by companies
that are free to innovate, not by government bureaucrats.
Again, thanks for choosing Windows
98 (c). (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Beware
Of Dog:
(unknown)
Upon entering the little country
store, the stranger noticed a sign saying; DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted
on the glass door. Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on
the floor besides the cash register.
He asked the store manager, "Is
THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"
"Yep, that's him," he replied.
The stranger couldn't help but be
amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me.
Why in the world would you post that sign?"
"Because," the owner replied, "before
I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Letter
of Recommendation -
(unknown)
Bob Smith, my assistant programmer,
can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle.
Bob works independently, without
wasting company time talking
to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting
fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments
on time. Often Bob takes extended
measures to complete his
work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Bob is a dedicated
individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high
accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field.
I firmly believe that Bob can be
classed as a high-caliber
employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently,
I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management,
and a proposal will be
sent away as soon as possible.
Project Leader
A MEMO WAS SOON SENT, FOLLOWING
THE LETTER:
That stupid idiot was reading over
my shoulder when I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read
every second line (i.e. 1, 3, 5, 7,9, ..) for my true assessment
of him.
Regards,
Project Leader (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
Top
50 Oxymorons:
(unknown)
50. Act naturally
49. Found missing
48. Resident alien
47. Advanced BASIC
46. Genuine imitation
45. Airline Food
44. Good grief
43. Same difference
42. Almost exactly
41. Government organization
40. Sanitary landfill
39. Alone together
38. Legally drunk
37. Silent scream
36. British fashion
35. Living dead
34. Small crowd
33. Business ethics
32. Soft rock
31. Butt Head
30. Military Intelligence
29. Software documentation
28. New York culture
27. New classic
26. Sweet sorrow
25. Childproof
24. "Now, then ..."
23. Synthetic natural gas
22. Christian Scientists
21. Passive aggression
20. Taped live
19. Clearly misunderstood
18. Peace force
17. Extinct Life
16. Temporary tax increase
15. Computer jock
14. Plastic glasses
13. Terribly pleased
12. Computer security
11. Political science
10. Tight slacks
9. Definite maybe
8. Pretty ugly
7. Twelve-ounce pound cake
6. Diet ice cream
5. Rap music
4. Working vacation
3. Exact estimate
2. Religious tolerance
1. Microsoft Works
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
The Suit:
(unknown)
When the store manager returned
from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could
ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him.
"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said.
"I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"
"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue
double-breasted thing?" the manager asked.
"That's the one!"
That's great!" the manager cried,
"I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest
suit we've ever had! But tell me. Why is your hand bandaged?"
"Oh," the clerk replied, "after
I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me." (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
Memorandum:
(unknown)
A managed care company president
was given a ticket for a performance of Schubert's "Unfinished Symphony."
Since he was unable to go, he passed the invitation to one of his managed
care reviewers. The next morning, the president asked the reviewer
how he had enjoyed it, and he was handed a memorandum, which read as follows:
Memorandum
1. For a considerable
period, the oboe players had nothing to do. Their number should be reduced,
and their work spread over the whole orchestra, thus avoiding peaks of
inactivity.
2. All twelve violins
were playing identical notes. This seems unnecessary duplication, and the
staff in this section should be drastically cut. If a large volume of sound
is required, this could be obtained through use of an amplifier.
3. Much effort was involved
in playing the 16th notes. This seems an excessive refinement, and it is
recommended that all notes should be rounded up to the nearest 8th note.
If this were done, it would be possible to use paraprofessionals instead
of experienced musicians.
4. No useful purpose
is served by repeating with horns the passage that has already been handled
by the strings. If all such redundant passages were eliminated, the concert
could be reduced from two hours to twenty minutes.
5. This symphony has
two movements. If Schubert did not achieve his musical goals by the end
of the first movement, then he should have stopped there. The second movement
is unnecessary and should be cut.
In light of the above, one
can only conclude that had Schubert given attention to these matters, his
symphony would probably have been finished by now. (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
Walk:
(unknown)
A young boy had just gotten his
driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could
discuss his use of the car. His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with
you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little, and get your
hair cut, then we will talk about it"
A month later the boy came back
and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His
father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you. You have brought your grades
up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get hair cut!"
The young man waited a moment and
replied, "You know dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson
had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus
had long hair."
His father replied, "Yes son, and
they walked everywhere they went!" (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
Sleepy
Truth:
(unknown)
A Sunday school teacher asked the
children just before she dismissed them to go back to the church, "And
why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
Little Johnny jumped up and yelled,
"Because people are sleeping!" (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
A
Wedding Question:
(unknown)
Attending a wedding for the first
time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed
in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest
day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple. The child
thought about this for a moment, then said.... "So why is the groom wearing
black?" (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
FOOD
for thought:
From: "Angels Online humor"
There was a Christian lady who lived
next door to an atheist. Everyday, when the lady prayed, the atheist guy
could hear her. He thought to himself, "She sure is crazy, praying all
the time like that. Doesn't she know there isn't a God? "Many times while
she
was praying, he would go to her house and harass her, saying "Lady, why
do you pray all the time? Don't you know there is no God?"
But she kept on praying. One day, she ran out of groceries. As usual,
she was praying to the Lord explaining her situation and thanking Him for
what He was gonna do. AS USUAL, the atheist heard her praying and
thought to himself. "Hmph . . .I'll fix her. "He went to the grocery store,
bought a whole bunch of groceries, took them to her house, dropped them
off on the front porch, rang the doorbell and then hid in the bushes to
see what she would do. When she opened the door and saw the groceries,
she began to praise the Lord with all her heart, jumping, singing and shouting'
everywhere! The atheist then jumped out of the bushes and told her, "You
ol' crazy lady, God didn't buy you those groceries, I bought those groceries!
"Well, she broke out and started running down the street, shouting and
praising the Lord. When he finally caught her, he asked what her
problem was . . . She said, "I knew the Lord would provide me with some
groceries, but I didn't know he was gonna make the devil pay for them!
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
COUNTING
NUTS
From: "Angels Online humor"
On the
outskirts of town, there was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence.
One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree,
out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One
for you, one for me," said one boy. The bucket was so full, several rolled
out toward the fence.
Cycling
down the road by the cemetery was a third boy. As he passed, he thought
he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate.
Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."
He knew what it was. "Oh, my !" he shuddered, "It's Satan and St.
Peter dividing the souls at the cemetery!"
He cycled
down the road as fast as he could and found an old man with a cane, hobbling
along. "Come quick!" said the boy. "You won't believe
what I heard. Satan and St. Peter are down at the cemetery dividing
the souls." The man said, "Shoo, you brat! Can't you see I'm finding
it hard to walk as it is!"
After
several pleas, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence
he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..."
The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth! Let's see if
we can see the devil himself." Shivering with fear, they peered through
the fence, yet they were still unable to see anything. The old man
and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter
as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan.
At last
they heard, "One for you, one for me, and one last one for you. That's
all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be
done."
They say
the old guy made it back to town 5 minutes before the boy!
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Heavens
TAXI:
From: "Angels Online humor"
A minister dies and is waiting in
line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses,
a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this
guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the
Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver,
of Noo Yawk City." Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says
to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the
Kingdom of Heaven." The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe
and staff, and it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out,
"I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton
robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." "Just a minute,"
says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe
and golden staff. How can this be?" "Up here, we work by results,"
says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people
prayed." (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
E-Mail
OOPS:
From: "Angels Online humor"
Mr. Johnson, a businessman from
Wisconsin, went on a business trip to Louisiana. He immediately sent
an e-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer. Unfortunately, he mistyped a
letter and the e-mail ended up going to a Mrs.Joan Johnson, the wife
of a preacher who had just passed away. The preacher's wife took one look
at the e-mail and promptly fainted. When she was finally revived,
she nervously pointed to the message, which read: "Arrived safely,
but it sure is hot down here." (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
The
devil's sibling?
From: "Angels Online humor"
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning,
everyone in tiny Smithville wakes up early and goes to their local church.
Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about
their lives, their families, etc.
Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!
Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling
each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate.
Soon, everyone is evacuated from
the church except for one man, who sits calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious
to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses
Satan a bit.
Satan walks up to the man and says,
"Hey, don't you know who I am?"
The man says, "Yep, sure do."
Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid
of me?"
The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."
Satan, perturbed, says, "And why
aren't you afraid of me?"
The man says "Well, I've been married
to your sister for 25 years." (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
TOP
FIFTEEN BIBLICAL WAYS TO ACQUIRE A WIFE
From: "Humor"
(1) Find an attractive
prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give
her new clothes. Then she's yours. -- Deuteronomy (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)
(2) Find a prostitute
and marry her. -- Hosea (Hosea 1:1-3)
(3) Find a man with
seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock. -- Moses
(Exodus 2:16-21)
(4) Purchase a piece
of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. -- Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)
(5) Go to a party and
hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be
your wife. -- Benjaminites (Judges
21:19-25)
(6) Have God create
a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you a rib. --
Adam (Genesis 2:19-24)
(7) Agree to work seven
years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying
the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted
to marry in the first place. (That's right: fourteen years of toil
for a woman.) -- Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30)
(8) Cut off 200 foreskins
off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife.
-- David (I Samuel 18:27)
(9) Even if no one
is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone.
(It's all relative of course.) -- Cain (Genesis 4:16-17)
(10) Become the emperor of
a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. -- Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther
2:3-4)
(11) When you see someone
you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a ...woman; now get
her for me." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her
for me. She's the one for me." -- Samson (Judges 14:1-3)
(12) Kill any husband and
take HIS wife. (Prepare to lose four sons though.) -- David (2 Samuel
11)
(13) Wait for your brother
to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good idea, it's the law.)
-- Onan and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)
(14) Don't be so picky. Make
up for quality with quantity. -- Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)
(15) A wife?...NOT!!!
-- Paul (1 Corinthians 7:32-35)
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Answering
Machine Messages
Sent by Dave (Snickers) Singer
Hello, this is KVKE, you're on the
air.
(Very fast:) Hi, this is 904-4344.
If you want to leave a message, please wait for the tone. If you want to
leave your name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial
your name, then press 6 and dial your number. If you want to leave your
name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then
leave your name and message. If you want to leave your number and
the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press
1 twice, talk loud and (BEEP)
This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline.
After the tone, leave your name and number, and recite a sentence using
today's vocabulary word. Today's word is "supercilious".
Greetings, you have reached the
Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are and what you want,
so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.
I can't come to the phone now because
I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember.
I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling
me something about myself. Thanks.
Thank you for calling the CSU Automated
Hearing Test Line. Prepare for Test 1. Is this tone louder
in your left ear or right ear? ... (BEEP)
Hello, this is Ron's toaster.
Ron's new answering machine is in the shop for repairs, so please leave
your message when the toast is done... (Cachunk!)
Thank you for calling 434-2322.
If you wish to speak to Tim, push 1 on your touch tone phone now.
If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on your touch tone phone now.
If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now.
All of this button pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a good way to
work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system.
I can't come to the phone now, so
if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the
phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're
listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're
listening to it... I mean, like, wait. This is so confusing.
The number you have reached, 226-0477,
has been changed. The new number is 226-0477. Please make a
note of it.
Ron is at bat. Here comes
the wind up. And <POW!!> He hits the ball into the outfield.
The left fielders scoops up the ball and throws it to the short stop.
Ron runs to first base as fast as he can. The short stop throws it
to second. Ron's running as hard as he can! Second baseman
throws toward first.... Ron sees the ball soaring in the air, so he leaps
toward the base with all he's got, just as the first baseman catches the
ball. There is a moment of silence as the smoke clears. And
HHHHHHHHEEEEEEEE'SSSSSSSSSSSSSS Out...but he'll be back soon, so leave
a message....(BEEP) (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
Evaluations:
Sent by Dave (Snickers) Singer
Quotes Taken from actual performance
evaluations:
"Since my last report, this employee
has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
"His men would follow him anywhere,
but only out of morbid curiosity."
"I would not allow this employee
to breed."
"This associate is really not so
much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be."
"Works well when under constant
supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
"When she opens her mouth, it seems
that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."
"He would be out of his depth in
a parking lot puddle."
"This young lady has delusions
of adequacy."
"He sets low personal standards
and then consistently fails to achieve them."
"This employee should go far -
and the sooner he starts, the better."
"This employee is depriving a village
somewhere of an idiot."
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Top
10 Ways Microsoft Would Change The Auto Business
Sent by Dave (Snickers) Singer
10. New seats would require everyone
to have the same butt size.
9. We would all have
to switch to Microsoft Gas.
8. The U.S. government
would be forced to rebuild all of the roads for Microsoft cars; they will
drive on the old roads, but they run very slowly.
7. The oil, alternator,
gas and engine warning lights would be replaced by a single 'General Car
Fault' warning light.
6. Sun MotorSystems
would make a car that was solar-powered, twice as reliable and five times
as fast, but would run on only 5% of the roads.
5. You would be constantly
pressured to upgrade your car.
4. You could have only
one person in the car at a time, unless you bought a Car95 or CarNT --
but then you would have to buy ten more seats and a new engine.
3. Occasionally, your
car would die for NO apparent reason and you would have to restart it.
Strangely, you would just accept this as normal.
2. Every time the lines
of the road were repainted, you would have to buy a new car.
1. People would get
excited about the new features of the latest Microsoft cars, forgetting
that these same features had been available from other car makers for years!
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
True
Stories:
Sent by Dave (Snickers) Singer
I am a medical student currently
doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today,
this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter
eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and
there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She
calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that
she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants.
I told her that she better bring her daughter into the ER right away.
*********************************
Seems that a year ago, some Boeing
employees on the field decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s.
They were successful in getting it out of the plant and home. When
they took it for a float on the Stilliguamish River, they were quite surprised
by a coast guard helicopter homing in on the emergency locator that is
activated when the raft is inflated.
********************************
The instructor was demonstrating
the wonders of static electricity to his class at MIT. While holding
a plastic rod in one hand and a wool cloth in the other, he told
the class, "You can see that I get a large charge from rubbing my rod..."
That was pretty much the end of learning for that day.
********************************
I worked for a while at a Walmart
store, selling sporting goods. As an employee of Walmart you are
sometimes required to make store-wide pages, e.g.,"I have a customer in
hardware who needs assistance at the paint counter." One night a
tentative female voice came over the intercom system with the following
message: "I have a customer by the balls in toys who needs assistance."
*****************************
A police officer had a perfect
hiding place for watching for speeders. But one day, everyone was
under the speed limit, the officer found the problem: a 10 year old
boy was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand painted sign
which said "RADAR TRAP AHEAD." A little more investigative work led
the officer to the boy's accomplice, another boy about 100 yards beyond
the radar trap with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket at his feet, full
of change.
*********************************
A carpet layer had just finished
installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize
he'd lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet,
was a bump. "No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes,"
he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened
the hump. As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here,"
she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the
hallway."
*********************************
A man hit by a car in New York
City in 1977 got up uninjured, but laid back down in front of the car when
a bystander told him to pretend he was hurt so he could collect insurance
money. The car then rolled forward and crushed him to death.
********************************
Hitting on the novel idea that
he could end his wife's incessant nagging by giving her a good scare, Hungarian
Jake Fen built an elaborate harness to make it look as if he had hanged
himself. When his wife came home and saw him, she fainted. Hearing a disturbance,
a neighbor came over and, finding what she thought were two corpses, seized
the opportunity to loot the place. As she was leaving the room, her arms
laden, the outraged and suspended Mr. Fen kicked her stoutly in the backside.
This so surprised the lady that she dropped dead of a heart attack. Happily,
Mr. Fen was acquitted of manslaughter, and he and his wife were reconciled.
********************************
Mike Stewart, 31, of Dallas was
filming a public service movie in 1983 on "The Dangers of Low-Level Bridges"
when the truck he was standing on passed under a low-level bridge -- killing
him.
********************************
A few years ago in California there
was a raging brush fire. Once the fire was extinguished, the firefighters
began the process of clean-up. In the middle of where the fire had been
burning, they found a dead man wearing a scuba tank and wet suit. At first
the firefighters were baffled as to why a man would be out in the middle
of the countryside wearing full scuba gear. Upon further examination, it
was determined that the man died from the impact with the ground and not
the fire. As best anyone can determine, this man was scuba diving
off the coast of California and was accidentally picked up by one of the
fire fighting aircraft when it was refilling its water tanks offshore.
*******************************
Surprised while burgling a house
in Antwerp, Belgium, a thief fled out the back door, clambered over a nine-foot
wall, dropped down, and found himself in the city prison.
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Next
time you think you're having a bad day read this......
Sent by Dave (Snickers) Singer
1. The average cost of rehabilitating
a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At
a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released
back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A
minute later they were both eaten by a killer whale.
2. A psychology student in New York
rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly
and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and
beat her repeatedly with an axe leaving her mentally retarded.
3. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los
Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering
from the flu he came down eight hours short of the 400 day record,
his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone
and electricity had been cut off.
4. A woman came home to find her
husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire
running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to
jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy
plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Till
that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
5. Two animal rights protesters
were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse
in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through
a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.
And the capper.......
6. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet,
didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return
to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it
and was blown to bits.
********************************************
Hit the floor (apparently true
story)
A white lady on business arrived
in LA in the heat of the rioting. She was very nervous and distressed
about her safety and the danger she felt lurked around every corner.
After checking in at the front desk she headed to the elevator.
Upon arriving at the elevator there
were already three black men on it. She quickly debated with herself about
the situation. "This is ridiculous, I have nothing to fear from these
men, here in the middle of a reputable hotel. Ok, no problem, I'm
going to ride this elevator, etc...."
She then stepped into the elevator
and quickly turned her back on the three men and faced the door.
Shortly after the door closed, she heard one of the men say, "Hit the floor,
lady."
She immediately dropped to her stomach
in terror. Upon her quick dive for the floor the 3 men broke out
hysterically in laughter. The man after all, had simply meant for
her to select the floor she wished to go to. She was terribly shaken and
embarrassed about the whole thing, but tried to shake it off as she had
several days of business to attend to.
At the end of her stay she went
to check out of the hotel and pay for her room. To her confusion
the clerk informed her that her room had been taken care of. He then
handed her a note and explained that it had been left by the person who
had picked up the tab for the room.
And the note said :"Thanks for the
best laugh I've ever had in an elevator!"
...Eddie Murphy
Hope your day is better than
any of these! (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
THINGS
WE CAN LEARN FROM A DOG
Sent by Carl Graham
Yogi The Telepathic Dog got to thinking
the other day and figured that the last good code was the Code of Hammurabi
about the 18th century B.C. He also figured that this world would
be better off if it went to the dogs. Here is The Yogi Code. THINGS
WE CAN LEARN FROM A DOG...
-
1. Never pass up the opportunity
to go for a joyride.
-
2. Allow the experience of
fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
-
3. When loved ones come home,
always run to greet them.
-
4 When it's in your best
interest, practice obedience.
-
5 Let others know when they've
invaded your territory.
-
6 Take naps and stretch before
rising.
-
7 Run, romp and play daily.
-
8 Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.
-
9 Be loyal.
-
10 Never pretend to be something
you're not.
-
11 If what you want lies buried,
dig until you find it.
-
12 When someone is having a bad
day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle him or her gently.
-
13 Thrive on attention and let
people touch you.
-
14 Avoid biting when a simple growl
will do.
-
15 On hot days, drink lots of water
and lie under a shady tree.
-
16 When you're happy, dance around
and wag your entire body.
-
17 No matter how often you're scolded,
don't buy into the guilt thing and pout...run right back and make friends.
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
BUMPER STICKERS:
You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me
The Earth Is Full - Go Home
I Have The Body Of A God......Buddha
This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me
So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
If Progress Means To Move Forward What Does Congress Mean?
If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
Politics - From The Words "Poly," Meaning "Many," And
"Ticks," As In "Small, Bloodsucking Parasites"
The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name
He Who Dies With The Most Toys...Still Dies
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
Illiterate? Write For Help
Honk If Anything Falls Off
He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next
Exit
I Refuse To Have A
Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed
Person
Dyslexics Of The World - Untie!
You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To
Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?
It's Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now
I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere
Keep honking...I'm reloading.
Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
All generalizations are false.
Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
I brake for no apparent reason.
Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.
I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
I love cats...they taste just like chicken.
Rehab is for quitters.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep.
Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a
vegetarian.
Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
No radio - Already stolen.
OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?
Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count &; those who
can't.
Caution: I drive like you do.
If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're a jerk
100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?
Your gene pool needs a little chlorine.
DON'T MAKE ME MAD! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE
BODIES.
JESUS SAVES . . . They Pass It To Gretzky . . . He Shoots . .
.He Scores!
Jesus is coming! Look busy!
You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT
My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
I need someone really bad...Are you really bad?
Out of my mind...Back in five minutes.
Where there's a will...I want to be in it.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Always remember you're unique...Just like everyone else.
Got brains? (written in the same font as "got milk?")
I owe, I owe, so off to work I go
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math
My karma ran over your dogma
My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines
My wife says if I go fishing one more time, she's going to
leave me. You know, I'm going to miss her.
No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be
happy
Remember folks: Stop lights timed for 35 mph are also timed
for 70 mph
Saw it... Wanted it... Had a fit... Got it!
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep
The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.
The secret of the universe is @*^^^ NO CARRIER
There's too much blood in my caffeine system
(seen on an old, beat-up car) This is not an abandoned
vehicle
This would be really funny if it weren't happening to me
Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once
Us blondes are'nt bumb
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse
We have enough youth -- how about a Fountain of Smart?
What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull
Who cares who's on board?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in
it?
Why am I the only person on earth that knows how to drive?
Will
Rogers never met a lawyer
Work is for people who don't know how to fish
YOU!!! Out of the gene pool
Your kid may be an honor student, but you're still an IDIOT!
Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted
87% of all statistics are made up on the spot
A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
Accept that some days you're the pigeon and some days you're
the statue.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing
well.
Baseball is wrong. Man with four balls cannot walk!
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Crowded elevator smells different to midget
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains
so popular?
Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright
organ.
Governments philosophy: If it ain't broken, fix it till it is
He who farts on fire gets burnt ass
He who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.
House without toilet is uncanny
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
I love my country but fear my government
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style.
It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it
It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in
rats.
Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the
world's population.
Lorraina Bobbit for Whitehouse Intern
My child beat the crap out of your honors student at [school
name here]
My Child Was Inmate of the Month at [fill in correctional
institute of your choice]
My karma ran over my dogma
Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.
Passionate kiss like spider's web soon lead to undoing of
fly.
Save a Tree, Eat A Beaver
Save the Roaches
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
The voices told me to stay at home and clean my guns
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
Trespassers will be shot. Survivors will be shot again.
War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.
What a tangled World Wide Web we weave
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
You can't have everything, where would you put it?
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be
misquoted, then used against you.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Honk if you think I'm Jesus.
Honk if you've never seen an Uzi fired from a car window.
If you can read this, you are within firing range.
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end
to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
Keep honking...I'm reloading
Warning! Driver only caries $20 in ammunition.
Dain bramaged
Body by Nautilus; brain by Mattel
Boldly going nowhere
CAUTION - Driver legally blonde!
Heart Attacks...God's Revenge for Eating His Animal Friends
He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged
I'm an imbecile and I vote
Money Isn't Everything...But it Sure Keeps the Kids in Touch
If you lived in your car, you'd be home by now
If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
I sued to have a handle on life, but it broke.
The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
Out of my mind...Back in five minutes.
HORN Broken - watch your finger.
It is as bad as you think, and THEY are out to get you.
Auntie Em, Hate you, Hate
Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy
Hang up and drive.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Where there's a will...I want to be in it.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
