Three Forgetful Old Ladies
Three old ladies are sitting
in a diner, chatting about various things.
One lady says, "You know,
I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the
stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go
down."
The second lady says, "You
think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed and I
couldn't remember whether I was going to sleep or had just woken up!"
The third lady smiles
smugly, "Well, my memory is just as good as it's always been, knock on wood,"
she says as she raps on the table. Then with a startled look on her face, she
asks, "Who's there?" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Waiting All Day
The cop got out of the
patrol car, and the kid he had stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you
all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well
I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped
laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket. (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
A History of Thanksgiving
1492 - Christopher Columbus
discovers America, unless you count the native peoples already living there.
Columbus doesn't. Columbus and crew celebrate by holding a dinner, giving thanks
for their safe arrival. Embarrassment ensues when every Indian brings maize, and
nobody brings pumpkin pie.
1620 - Pilgrim men invent
sport of football to avoid helping clean up after Thanksgiving dinner.
1671 - First embarrassing
drunken relatives at Thanksgiving dinner, as Captain John Smith's parents tell
Pocahontas the "hilarious" old "I got lost in the maize" joke for the hundredth
time.
1701 - At a historic
Thanksgiving dinner, Dutch settlers unveil historic "Indians Give Us All Of
Their Land Treaty." Due to an unfortunate oversight, the Indians are left off of
the invite list, and the treaty is signed without them.
1776 - Excited that his
British in-laws finally agreed to meet him for Thanksgiving dinner, silversmith
Paul Revere rides through Boston announcing the news. Unfortunately, many
colonists misinterpret his cry "the British are coming!" as a warning, leading
to the Revolutionary War.
1812 - At an international
Thanksgiving dinner, King George of England, still hurting from losing the
Revolutionary War, challenges United States President James Madison to "best 2
out of 3."
1860 - At a Senate
Thanksgiving dinner, the seven-year-old son of Alabama's Senator Richard
Applebee insults the Senators from Massachusetts, New York, and Pennsylvania,
sparking the Civil War. The tradition of the "children's table" is instituted in
1861.
1903 - Canada steals idea of
Thanksgiving holiday, placing it in October, so they can say it was their idea
first.
1928 - To commemorate "our
nation's greatest era of prosperity that will last forever and ever," President
Herbert Hoover dumps ceremonial ten thousand turkeys into the Potomac River.
1929 - Following the Great
Stock Market Crash, thousands of men go Turkey Diving in the Potomac River.
1957 - Declaring her spicy
stuffing "a communist threat to undermine my health via heartburn," Senator Joe
McCarthy has his wife placed under arrest as a Soviet saboteur.
1969 - The world's largest
Eat-In event goes sour. Thousands of hippies start having bad trips when bad
"brown gravy" gets passed around.
1991 - When Dan Quayle takes
ill on Thanksgiving; a turkey is sworn as Vice President for three days. No
change is noticed.
1997 - Strong natural
tranquilizer tryptophane is discovered in turkey. A Colombian cartel immediately
starts selling "pure" turkey on the streets for $500 an ounce. Turkey farmers
get involved in drive-by shootings, and the U.S. government declares a national
fowl emergency.
2002 - America is on a
terrorist alert. It is now against the law to stuff a turkey since anyone is
suspicious of hiding explosives. George W. signs this law into Congress, during
a patriotic speech he defends this decision claiming "the evil doers are just
looking for any opportunity to show up at your dinner table." This Thanksgiving
take a real good look at your relatives...and report any suspicious behavior to
the CIA, FBI or your local police...who cares if it's grandma...it's your duty
as an American... (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
SALMON MOUSSE
A housewife was having
several couples over for dinner that night, so she wanted to cook something
special. She slaved for hours that afternoon and finally created a masterpiece.
Salmon mousse.
Just before her guests
arrived, she caught her cat nibbling away at the dish on the dining room table.
She had worked so hard that she couldn't throw the mousse away, so she smoothed
it over and served it anyway.
Well, the mousse was a hit.
Everyone took seconds or thirds. Proudly she stood to bring the empty plate out
to the kitchen and looked out the window.
There, next to the house,
lay her cat. Dead. She had to confess to her guests that she'd served mousse
eaten by the cat and now the cat was dead.
The entire dinner party
rushed to the hospital to have their stomachs pumped. The housewife, who hadn't
eaten any because she knew her cat had, lay in bed--mourning the passing of her
cat and fearing that the same fate could befall her guests.
Then, the phone rang. It was
her next door neighbor who said, "I'm sorry about your cat. I should have told
you that I ran her over but I was just so ashamed and saw that you had a dinner
party in progress....So I just put her on your lawn." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Got
Stuck
Truck driver is barreling
down the freeway and sees a sign that warns of a low bridge ahead. Before he
realizes it he is upon the bridge and becomes firmly stuck under it. Cars back
up for miles.
Finally a local police cars
arrives. The cop gets out and with hands on hips surveys the situation. "Got
stuck, huh" he says to the truck driver.
The truck driver looks at
the cop and with a straight face says, "Naw, I was delivering the bridge and ran
out of gas." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Paperwork
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Sideshow
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Largest Land Swap In U.S. History
DENVER, CO (AheadOfNews.com)
- In what would have been the largest land swap in recent US history, Arizona
and Colorado had planned to trade places. Unfortunately, the two state
governments were unable to agree to final terms, so the deal has been called
off.
According to baseball
manager Clint Hurkle of the Colorado Rockies, the deal started as simply a trade
of players between the Colorado Rockies and the Arizona Diamondbacks, but
quickly grew to encompass the whole states.
"The Diamondbacks offered to
trade us third baseman Matt Williams, first baseman Erubiel Durazo, outfielder
David Delucci and reliever Bret Prinz in exchange for right fielder Larry
Walker," says Hurkle, "which sounded OK, but then the governors got involved.
Pretty soon we were talking about trading Loveland for Flagstaff, and Colorado
Springs for Bullhead City, and everyone was getting all excited about it."
Both parties wanted Aspen,
however, and neither side wanted to take Boulder. "I'm not surprised," snorts
Hurkle, "since Boulder is like Raisin Bran - the only people there who aren't
fruits or nuts, are flakes." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
THE HEARING AID
Morris realized he needed to
purchase a hearing aid, but he felt unwilling to spend much money. "How much do
they cost?" he asked the salesperson.
"That depends," he said.
"They run from $2.00 to $2,000."
"Let's see the $2.00 model,"
said Morris the miser.
The salesperson put the
device around Morris' neck. "You just stick this button in your ear and run this
little string down to your pocket," he instructed.
"How does it work?" , asked
Morris.
"For $2.00 it doesn't work,"
the salesperson replied. "But when people see it on you, they'll talk louder."
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
All In A Days Work
One summer when I was still
in college, I got a job working on a film crew as a gofer. They were shooting
in a job in Oklahoma that summer, in the oil fields out in the boonies.
On the flight there I
started to feel sick but just marked it up to motion sickness. Later, however I
got so much worse that my boss took me to the closest hospital, where they
admitted me, and decided I had to have an emergency appendectomy. My boss
contacted my parents and I was soon in surgery.
When I woke up I had no idea
that I had been placed in the maternity wing, in a 4 bed ward. They were short
of beds and that was the only room they had.
Late in the day a young
nurses aid came in to get me up, I was sore and drowsy and resisted. "Come on,
now" she said "we'll go see your baby."
"MY BABY" I shouted "I'm not
even married, I don't have a baby." She looked shocked and the other women in
the ward started whispering, she said " There now let's don't get upset, I'll
call a nurse to talk to you."
Shortly a very kind nurse
came in and started asking me questions that made me realize that she thought I
was an unmarried mother. Just when I thought I was going to completely loose
it, my boss arrived.
"Well how are you feeling?"
she asked "Crazy as hell" I said, "Get me out of here, before these people give
me a baby to take home."
When my boss finally got the
whole mess cleared up we had a good laugh about it, well she did, laughing was
tough on my stitches. (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Poker
Game
Six guys were playing poker
when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the
table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their
playing time standing up.
Roberts looks around and
asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?"
They draw straws. Rippington,
who is always a loser, picks the short one.
They tell him to be
discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is.
"Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm
the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it
to me."
Rippington walks over to the
Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants.
Rippington says, "Your
husband just lost $500 playing cards."
She hollers, "TELL HIM TO
DROP DEAD!"
Rippington says, "I'll tell
him." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Who Gets the Job?
Young man Paddy applied for
an engineering position at an Irish firm in Dublin. An American applied for the
same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a
test by the manager.
Upon completion of the test,
both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Paddy and said,
"Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the American the job."
Paddy asked, "And why would
you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct. This being Ireland, and
me being Irish I should get the job!"
The manager said, "We have
made our decision not on the correct answers, but rather on the question that
you missed."
Paddy then asked, "And just
how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"
The manager replied,
"Simple, the American put down on question #4, 'I don't know.' You put down,
'Neither do I'." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
FINDING JESUS!
An old drunk was stumbling
along the riverbank one Sunday afternoon when he happened upon a baptismal
service. He staggered down into the water and stood next to the preacher.
The preacher turned and
noticed him there, and said, "So, Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?" The
drunk looked around and said, "Sure I am." The minister grabbed the fellow, gave
him a good dunk under the water and pulled him back up.
"Have you found Jesus?" the
preacher asked. "Nope, I didn't!" spluttered the drunk. The preacher recited a
prayer, then dunked him under for a longer time, pulled him up and said, "Now,
brother, have you found Jesus?"
"Noooo, I didn't, Reverend!"
cried the drunk. The preacher frowned, and dunked him again, holding him under
for a good long time while he prayed over him. Finally, he pulled him up out of
the water and yelled, "Now, my good man, have you found Jesus yet?"
The old drunk wiped his eyes
and said...
"Are you sure this is where
he fell in???" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Redneck Speedboat
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Christmas Parking
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Pray For The Deer
The Wednesday-night church
service coincided with the last day of hunting season.
Or pastor asked who had
bagged a deer. No one raised a hand.
Puzzled, the pastor said, "I
don't get it. Last Sunday many of you said you were missing because of hunting
season. I had the whole congregation pray for your deer."
One hunter groaned, "Well,
it worked. They're all safe." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Goodbye Party
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Thanksgiving Dinner
An elderly couple, Minnie
and Max, sit down to their Thanksgiving dinner. Before eating, his wife speaks
up. "Can I ask you a question, Max?"
"Sure Minnie," Max says,
waiting to dig into his meal.
"Has our 50 years of
marriage made you grateful?"
"Yes, indeed!" Max replied.
"For the twenty years I was a bachelor!" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Thanksgiving Forecast
Turkeys will thaw in the
morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F.The kitchen will
turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or
cold shoulder.
During the late afternoon
and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an
accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across
one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass
the gravy.
A weight watch and
indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased
stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and
taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator.
Looking ahead to Friday and
Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of
leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup
late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup develops. By early next
week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
