Careful what you propose!
A college senior took his
new girlfriend to a football game. The young couple found seats in the crowded
stadium and were watching the action. A substitute was put into the game, and as
he was running onto the field to take his position, the boy said to his
girlfriend, "Take a good look at that fellow. I expect him to be our best man
next year."
His girlfriend snuggled
closer to him and said, "That's the strangest way I ever heard of for a fellow
to propose to a girl. Regardless of how you said it, I accept!" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Thanksgiving Retrospect
Thanksgiving day was
approaching and the family had received a Thanksgiving card with a painting of a
pilgrim family on their way to church. Grandma showed the card to her small
grandchildren, observing: "The Pilgrim children liked to go to church with their
mothers and fathers."
"Oh yeah?" her young
grandson replied, "so why is their dad carrying that rifle?" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Office Escape
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Arkansas Road Crews
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Brain
Store
A man went to a brain store
to get some brain for dinner. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of
professional brain offered at this particular brain store. So he asks the
butcher:
"How much for Engineer
brain?"
"3 dollars an ounce."
"How much for doctor brain?"
"5 dollars an ounce."
"How much for lawyer brain?"
"90 dollars an ounce."
"Why is lawyer brain so much
more?"
"Do you know how many
lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
New Microsoft Mouse
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Blonde Horse Sense
A blonde buys two horses and
she can't tell them apart. So she asks the farmer next door what to do. He says
to cut one of their tails off. So she does. But then the other horse's tail gets
caught in a bush and rips off. So she can't tell them apart again.
She asks the farmer for
advice a second time. He tells her to cut one of the horses ears. So she does.
But then the other horse gets its ear ripped in a barbed wire fence.
She is still confused. She
asks the farmer what to do. He tells her to measure them.
She comes back and says,
"The white horse is 2 inches taller than the black horse!" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
For Sale By Owner
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Adam’s
Rib
In Sunday School, they were
teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny
seemed especially interested when they told him how Eve was created out of one
of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week, his
mother noticed him lying down as if he were ill, and said, "Johnny what is the
matter?"
Little Johnny responded, "I
have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Prayer For A Virus Free Computer
The Lord is my shepherd, I
shall not want
He leadeth me to tech
support.
He giveth me the energy to
wait on hold for five hours.
He restoreth my data.
He teacheth me to backup my
files.
He leadeth me past
unidentified downloads for mine own sake.
Yeah though I receive the
corrupt email attachment,
I shall not click on it, for
Thou art with me.
Thy internet filters, they
comfort me.
Thou preparest daily backup
scans for me in the presence of mine enemies.
Thou anoint my hard drive
with free upgrades.
My secure server
transactions overflow.
Surely clean transactions
will follow me until the end of my days.
And I will browse uninfected
system folders forever.
Amen (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Takeoff
One night at McChord Air
Force Base in Washington, I was dispatched to check out the security fence where
an alarm had gone off. The fence was at the end of the base runway. When I got
to the scene, I found that a raccoon was the culprit, so I ran around and
flapped my arms to scare off the animal.
Suddenly an air-traffic
controller came over the public-address system and announces loudly, "Attention
to the airman at the end of the runway. You are cleared for takeoff."
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Letter From Santa
Ho Ho Ho,
Hello out there all people
of the world.
This is Santa and I just
wanted to let you know that Christmas may be a little late this year.
See after checking all the
boxes and tallying them up, I found some problems with the results.
The first result showed:
428,534,120 Good
428,523,119 Bad
The second result showed:
428,534,118 Good
428,523,121 Bad
So you see, I can't, with
good faith, go out and deliver presents while knowing I could have made a
mistake. Maybe Little Johnny was good for once, then again, maybe not.
So, I have enlisted the help
of all my elves and the Mrs. To help do a recount. We hope to have this finished
up by 5pm on the 24th of December, but there is a possibility that it might take
longer. You see the tally cards were not quite clear to me, although I made them
my-self, I forgot what they meant.
You know, Good...and Bad???
And the check marks I used were not all the same, some went left, some right,
some were just a mark. some went through both boxes, and some didn't even have
much of a mark on them. I leave it up to them to decide what I meant.
So if you wake up on
Christmas morning, and there are no presents under your tree, at least you can
tell the kids the story. Thank you for your patience and understanding in these
times,
Santa (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Iraqi Tank
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
A Bus Driver and a Priest Die…
A priest and bus driver died
on the same day.
St. Peter, who is standing
at Heaven's gate, allows the bus driver to proceed on to one of the highest
levels of heaven but the priest has to wait.
He waits for a long time and
finally goes to St. Peter and asks: "Why could that bus driver go to the highest
level of heaven and I, who all my life spoke about God, have to wait for such a
long time?"
St. Peter said: "When you
were speaking to the people at your church everybody was sleeping, but when that
bus driver was driving everybody prayed!" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
A Dieter's Christmas
Twas the night before
Christmas and all round my hips
were Fannie May candies that
sneaked past my lips
Fudge brownies were stored
in the freezer with care
in hopes that my thighs
would forget they were there
While Mama in her my girdle
and I in chin straps
had just settled down to
sugar-borne naps
When out in the pantry there
arose such a clatter
I sprang from my bed to see
what was the matter
Away to the kitchen I flew
like a flash
tore open the icebox then
threw up the sash
The marshmallow look of the
new-fallen snow
sent thoughts of a binge to
my body below
When what to my wandering
eyes should appear:
a marzipan Santa with eight
chocolate reindeer!
That huge chunk of candy so
luscious and slick
I knew in a second that I'd
wind up sick
The sweet-coated santa,
those sugared reindeer
I closed my eyes tightly but
still I could hear
On Pritzker, on Stillman, on
weak one, on TOPS
a Weight Watcher dropout
from sugar detox
From the top of the scales
to the top of the hall
now dash away pounds now
dash away all
Dressed up in Lane Bryant
from my head to nightdress
my clothes were all bulging
from too much excess
My droll little mouth and my
round little belly
they shook when I laughed
like a bowl full of jelly
I spoke not a word but went
straight to my work
ate all of the candy then
turned with a jerk
And laying a finger beside
my heartburn
I gave a quick nod toward
the bedroom I turned
I eased into bed, to the
heavens I cry
if temptation's removed I'll
get thin by and by
And I mumbled again as I
turned for the night
in the morning I'll
starve... 'til I take that first bite! (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Breaking In
A man went to the police
station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the
night before.
"You'll get your chance in
court," said the desk sergeant.
"No, no, no!" said the man.
"I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I`ve been
trying to do that for years!" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Cold
Winter
During the first part of
Autumn, the Indians asked their Chief if the winter was going to be cold or
mild. Not really knowing the answer, the chief replied that the winter was going
to be very cold and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be
prepared.
Being a good leader, he then
went to a phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this
winter going to be cold?" The man on the phone responded, "Yes, this winter will
be quite cold indeed."
Hearing that, the Chief went
back to speed up his people in their efforts of collecting wood so that they
would be prepared for the coming season.
A week later he again called
the National Weather Service and asked, "Is it going to be a cold winter?"
"Yes," the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."
The Chief goes back to his
people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find. Two
weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again: "Are you absolutely
sure, without a doubt, that this winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely" the man
replies, "the Indians are collecting wood like crazy!" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Casting The Blame
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
MOM
MELLOWED
I have five siblings, three
sisters and two brothers. One night, I was chatting with my Mom about how she
had changed as a mother from the first child to the last.
She told me she had mellowed
a lot over the years:
"When your oldest sister
coughed or sneezed, I called the ambulance. When your youngest brother swallowed
a dime, I just told him it was coming out of his allowance." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Just A Thank You
A parent decreed one
Christmas that she was no longer going to remind her children of their thank-you
note duties. As a result their grandmother never received acknowledgments of
the generous checks she had given. The next year things were different,
however.
"The children came over in
person to thank me," the grandparent told a friend triumphantly.
"How wonderful!" the friend
exclaimed. "What do you think caused the change in behavior?"
"Oh, that's easy," the
grandmother replied. "This year I didn't sign the checks." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
When You Ask Your Kids To Do
Something
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Going Bowling
Two bowling teams, one of
all blondes and one of all brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend
bowling tournament in Atlantic City.
The brunette team rides in
the bottom of the bus. The blonde team rides on the top level. The brunette team
down below is having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear
anything from the blondes upstairs.
She decides to go up and
investigate. When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen
in fear, staring straight ahead. She says, 'What the heck's goin' on up here?
We're havin' a grand time downstairs!'
One of the blondes looks up
and says, 'Yeah, but you've got a driver!' (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
