Suicide Help Line
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Lets Get Married
A young couple met with
their pastor to set a date for their wedding.
When he asked whether they
preferred a contemporary or a traditional service, they opted for the
contemporary.
On the big day, a major
storm forced the groom to take an alternate route to the church. The streets
were flooded, so he rolled up his pant legs to keep his trousers dry.
When he finally reached the
church, his best man rushed him into the sanctuary and up to the altar, just as
the ceremony was starting. "Pull down your pants, whispered the pastor.
"Uh, Reverend, I've changed
my mind," the groom responded. "I think I would prefer the traditional service."
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
No Trespassing!
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Santa's Lost Elf
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Horrified
As a little boy
climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what would you like for
Christmas?" The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute,
then gasped, "Didn't you get my E-mail?" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Reindeer Laughter
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Oh Dear!!!
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Redneck
Portable Potty
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Santa's Skiing Mistake
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Reindeer Cleanup
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Redneck Christmas
Twas the night after Christmas and all through the trailer,
the drinks had gone flat and the pizza was staler. The tube socks hung empty, no
candies or toys, and I was camped out on my old Lay-Z-Boy. The kids they weren't
talking to me or my wife, the worst Christmas they said they had had in their
lives. My wife couldn't argue and neither could I, so I just watch TV and my
wife, she just cried.
When out in the yard the dog started barkin', I stood up and
looked and I saw Sheriff Larkin. He yelled, "Roy I am sworn to uphold the laws
and I got a complaint here from a feller named Claus." I said, "Claus, I don't
know nobody named Claus, and you ain't taking me in without probable cause."
Then the Sheriff he said "The man was shot at last night." I said, "That might
have been me, just what's he look like?" The Sheriff replied, "He's a jolly old
feller, with a big ole gut belly, that shakes when he laughs like a bowlful of
jelly. He sports a long beard, and a nose like a cherry." I said, "Sheriff that
sounds like my wife's sister Sherri." "It's no time for jokes Roy" the Sheriff
he said. "The man I'm describing is dressed all in red. I'm here for the truth
now, it's time to come clean. Tell me what you've done, tell me what you've
seen." Well I started to lie then I thought what the heck, It wouldn't have been
the first time that I've spent New Years in jail.
I said, "Sheriff it happened last night about ten, and I
thought that my wife had been just out again." When she walked in from work she
was as white as a ghost, I thought maybe she had seen one of them UFO's. But she
said that a bunch of deer had just flown over her head, and stopped on the roof
of our good neighbour Red. Well I ran outside to look and the sight made me
shudder, a freezer full of venison standing right on Red's gutter. Well my hands
were a shakin' as I grabbed my gun, when outta Red's chimney this feller did
run. And slung on his back was this bag over flowin'. I thought he'd stoled
Red's stuff while old Red was out bowlin'. So I yelled, "Drop fat boy, hands in
the air!" But he went about his business like he hadn't a care. So I popped a
warning shot over his head. Well he dropped that bag and he jumped in that sled.
And as he flew off I heard him extort, "That's assault with intent Roy, I'll see
ya in court." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Redneck Christmas 2:
'Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the trailer
Not a creature was stirrin'
'Cept a redneck named Taylor.
His first name was Bubba,
Joe was his middle,
And a-runnin' down his chin
Was a trickle of spittle.
His socks, they were hung
By the chimney with care,
And therefore there was
A foul stench in the air.
That Bubba got scared
And rousted the boys.
There was Rufus, 12
Jim Bob was 11
Dud goin' on 10
Otis was 7.
John, George and Chucky
Were 5,4, and 3:
The twins were both girls
So they let them be.
They jumped in their overalls,
No need for a shirt,
Threw a hat on each head,
Then turned with a jerk.
They ran to the gun rack
That hung on the wall.
There were 17 shotguns
They grabbed them all.
Bubba said to the young'uns,
"Now hesh up ya'll!
The last thing we wanna do
Is wake up yer Maw."
Maw was expecting
And needed her sleep,
So out they crept out the door
Without making a peep.
They all looked around,
And then they all spit.
The young'uns asked Bubba,
"Paw, what is it?"
Bubba just stared
He could not say a word.
This was just like all of
The stories he'd heard.
It was Santy Claus
On the roof, darn tootin'
But the boys didn't know
They was about to start shootin'!
They aimed their shotguns
and nearly made a mistake
That would have resulted
In venison steak.
Bubba hollered out,
"Don't shoot, boys!"
That's Santy Claus
And he's brought us some toys.
The dogs were a-barkin'
And a-raisin' cain,
And Bubba whistled, and shouted,
And called them by name:
"Down, Spot! Shut up Bullet!
Quiet, Pete and Roscoe!
Git, Turnip and Tater
And Sam and Bosco!"
"Git down from that porch!
Git down off that wall!
Quit shakin the trailer,
Or you'll make Santy fall!"
The dogs kept a-barkin'
And wouldn't shut up,
And they trampled poor Pete
Who was only a pup.
Santy opened his bag,
And threw out some toys.
Bubba got most,
But left a few for the boys.
Since the guns had been dropped
He just might not die.
He jumped in his sleigh,
Told his reindeer to hurry.
The trailer started to wobble
Santa started to worry.
Just as the reindeer
Got into the air,
The trailer collapsed,
But Bubba didn't care.
He was busy lookin'
At all his new toys.
Then a thought hit him,
And he said to the boys:
"Go check on yer Maw,
Make sure she's all right.
That roof fallin' on her
Could-a hurt just a might."
But Maw was OK, And the girls were too.
They fixed up the trailer
It looked good as new.
And as for Bubba,
He liked Old St. Nick,
But Santa thought Bubba
Was a pure-in-tee hick!
Bubba had a nice Christmas,
And the boys did, too.
And the Taylors and I wish
A Merry Christmas to you! (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Ladies Course Requirements (Read
Carefully Now!)
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Staying Home At Christmas
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R.I.P. Santa
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Rats:
A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San
Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a
detailed bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique
that he picks it up and asks the shop owner the price.
"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and
an extra thousand for the story behind it."
"At that price, you can keep the story," he replies, "but
I'll take the bronze rat."
The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with
the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store,
two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him.
Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk
faster, but every time he passes another sewer, more rats come out and follow
him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his
heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon
breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant
lots, and abandoned cars... following him.
Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the
waterfront at the bottom of the hill he panics and starts to run full tilt.
No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing
hideously now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes
racing to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve blocks long is behind him.
Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a lamp post, grasping
it with one arm, while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay as far as
he can throw it.
Pulling his legs up and clinging to the post, he watches in
amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea,
where they drown.
Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique
shop.
"Ah sir, you've come back for the story," says the owner.
"No," says the tourist, "I was just hoping you had a bronze
sculpture of a lawyer " (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Christmas Fairies
Once upon a time, in the Christmas Tree Forest there lived
the Christmas fairies. They spent most of their time practising sitting on top
of the Christmas trees. There was just one rule they had to stick to... it was
strictly forbidden for a fairy to kiss anyone! The trouble was that Floella was
a wicked little fairy.
One day Harry the Hare was hopping through the forest when he
saw Floella sitting on top of a toadstool, combing her hair. Floella said,
'Hello, handsome, give us a kiss!'
Harry the Hare was shocked. 'Father Christmas doesn't allow
it!' he gasped. 'Anyone caught kissing a fairy will be turned straight away into
Goon!'
But Floella tickled his ears - just the way hares love and
whispered, 'Don't worry, we won't get caught!'
Harry the Hare trembled with fear and excitement. He looked
carefully over his furry brown shoulder, saw that no-one was looking... and
kissed Floella the fairy!
Suddenly there was a FLASH, a CRASH and a mighty WHOOSH!!! of
wind. Through the magic of the Christmas Tree Forest Harry the Hare found
himself in the court of Father Christmas!
And Father Christmas was furious! 'Harry the Hare! You have
been found guilty of kissing a forest fairy! Have you anything to say?'
'I never meant to!' Harry the Hare snivelled. 'If you let me
off I promise I'll never do it again... just please, please!!! PLEASE!!! don't
turn me into a Goon!'
Father Christmas took pity on the pathetic creature and said,
'I'll give you one more chance...just one more!'
Suddenly there was a FLASH, a CRASH and a mighty WHOOSH!! of
wind. Harry the Hare found himself back in the forest. And there, combing her
hair on a toadstool was Floella the Fairy.
'Hiya, handsome,' she whispered. 'Give us a kiss!'
Harry the Hare was horrified! Certainly not!' he cried. But
when she tickled his ears his legs turned to jelly and he started to tremble. 'Oooh!
No! I'll be turned into a Goon! 'For one little kiss from me it's worth it!'
Floella murmured. And Harry the Hare gave in. He kissed the fairy.
Suddenly there was a FLASH, a CRASH and a mighty WHOOSH!!! of
wind. Once again Harry the Hare found himself in front of the furious Father
Christmas!
'You foolish hare!' Father Christmas roared. 'You have had
your chance! Guards! Take him away - turn him into a Goon tomorrow!'
Harry the Hare hung his head and let himself be led away. As
he reached the door of the court he turned to all the gnomes and forest
creatures and said tearfully... 'Ah, well, that's life! Hare today...and Goon
tomorrow!' (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
End Of Santa!
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Santa
Cat 2002
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Red Ears
A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor
asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered,
"I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of
picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But, what
happened to your other ear?"
"The jerk called back, again!" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
The Night Before Christmas
Twas the night before Christmas
when all through the house
I searched for the tools
to hand to my spouse
Instructions were studied
and we were inspired,
in hopes we could manage
"Some Assembly Required."
The children were quiet (not asleep)
in their beds,
while Dad and I faced the evening
with dread:
a kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's
townhouse to boot!
And now, thanks to Grandpa, a train
with a toot!
We opened the boxes,
my heart skipped a beat -
let no parts be missing
or parts incomplete!
Too late for last-minute returns or
replacement;
if we can't get it right, it goes
straight to the basement!
When what to my worrying eyes should
appear
but 50 sheets of directions, concise,
but not clear,
With each part numbered and every
slot named,
so if we failed, only we could be
blamed.
More rapid than eagles the parts then
fell out,
all over the carpet they were
scattered about.
"Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it
right there!
Slide on the seats, and staple the
stair!
Hammer the shelves, and nail to the
stand."
"Honey," said hubby, "you just glued
my hand."
And then in a twinkling, I knew for a
fact
that all the toy dealers had indeed
made a pact
to keep parents busy all Christmas
Eve night
with "assembly required" till
morning's first light.
We spoke not a word, but kept bent at
our work,
till our eyes, they went blurry; our
fingers all hurt.
The coffee went cold and the night,
it wore thin
before we attached the last rod and
last pin.
Then laying the tools away in the
chest,
we fell into bed for a well-deserved
rest.
But I said to my husband just before
I passed out,
"This will be the best Christmas,
without any doubt.
Tomorrow we'll cheer, let the holiday
ring,
and not run to the store for one
single thing!
We did it! We did it! The toys are
all set
for the perfect, most magical,
Christmas, I bet!"
Then off to dreamland and sweet
repose
I gratefully went, though I suppose
there's something to say for those
self-deluded-
I'd forgotten that BATTERIES are
never included! (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Hugs and Kisses
After the birth of their child, an Episcopal priest, wearing his clerical
collar, visited his wife in the hospital. He greeted her with a hug and a kiss,
and gave her another hug and kiss when he left.
Later, the wife's roommate commented, "Your pastor is sure friendlier than
mine." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Christmas Gift Thanks
A minister of a city church enjoyed a few drinks, but his passion was for
peach brandy. One of his congregants would make him a bottle each Christmas. One
year, when the minister went to visit his friend, hoping for his usual Christmas
present, he was not disappointed. However, his friend told him that he had to
thank him for the peach brandy from the pulpit the next Sunday. In his haste to
get the bottle, the minister hurriedly agreed and left.
The next Sunday the minister suddenly remembered that he had to make a public
announcement that he was being supplied alcohol from a member of the church.
That morning, his friend sat in the church with a grin on his face, waiting to
see the minister's embarrassment.
The minister stepped into the pulpit and said, "Before we begin, I have an
announcement. I would very much like to thank my friend, Joe, for his kind gift
of peaches... and for the spirit in which they were given!" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
A Fathers Wisdom
A daughter, thinking she needed breast enhancement (to be
like all her friends), went to her father and asked to have them done for her
sixteenth birthday.
The wise father, knowing she was beautiful just as she was,
looked at her, looked in his check book and said;
"I'm sorry sweetheart, but we could only afford to do one
right now."
The subject never came up again. (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Shopping
A New Mom took her baby daughter to the supermarket for the
first time. She dressed her in pink from head to toe.
At the store, she placed her in the shopping cart and put her
purchases around her. At the checkout line a small boy and his mother were ahead
of them. The child was crying and begging for some special treat. He wants some
candy or gum and his mother won't let him have any, she thought.
Then she heard his mother's reply. "No!" she said, looking in
her direction. "You may not have a baby sister today. That lady got the last
one!" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Breakable?
There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her
brother in another part of the country. "Is there anything breakable in here?"
asked the postal clerk.
"Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady. (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Santa's A
Woman
I hate to be the one
to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a
big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing, social deal, and I have a tough time
believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!
For starters, the
vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve.
Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket
wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. On this count alone, I'm
convinced Santa is a woman.
Surely, if he were a
man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating
musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the shopping bag.
Another problem for a
he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer
because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the
sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended.
Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.
Even if the male
Santa DID still have reindeer, he'd also have the transportation problems
because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then
refuse to stop and ask for directions.
-
Other reasons
why Santa can't possibly be a man:
-
* Men can't pack a
bag.
-
* Men would rather
be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
-
* Men would feel
their masculinity is threatened... having to be seen with all those elves.
-
* Men don't answer
their mail.
-
* Men would refuse
to allow their physique to be described, even in jest, as anything remotely
resembling a "bowl full of jelly."
-
* Men aren't
interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
-
* Having to do the
Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
-
* Finally, being
responsible for Christmas would require a commitment. (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
17 Ways To Confuse Santa
-
1. Instead of milk
and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could
stand to lose a few pounds.
-
2. While he's in
the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.
-
3. Leave him a
note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind
watering your plants.
-
4. While he's in
the house, replace all his reindeers with exact replicas. Then wait and see
what happens when he tries to get them to fly.
-
5. Keep an angry
bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little
red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!
-
6. Build an army of
mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas,"
and "Go away Santa."
-
7. Leave a note by
the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him
to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.
-
8. While he's in
the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees
you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.
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9. Leave a plate
filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The
Tooth Fairy. :)" Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few
drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa."
-
10. Take everything
out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up
dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene
of the crime."
-
11. Leave out a
copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections. While
he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.
-
12. Leave lots of
hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside,
yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.
-
13. Leave Santa a
note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and
hard-to-read directions to your new house.
-
14. Set a bear trap
at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then
explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.
-
15. Leave out a
Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.
-
16. Paint
"hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out
on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten
to sue.
-
17. Instead of
ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs. Dress up like the Easter
Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big
enough for the both of us." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Long Dog:
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Christmas Spirit
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Christmas Tree Toilet
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Light Of The World
A little boy forgot his lines in a Sunday School
presentation. His mother, sitting in the front row to prompt him, gestured and
formed the words silently with her lips, but it didn't help. Her son's memory
was blank.
Finally she leaned forward and whispered the cue, "I am the
light of the world."
The child beamed and with great feeling and a loud, clear
voice said, "My mother is the light of the world." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Goat
The young couple invited their aged parson for Sunday dinner.
While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son
what they were having.
"Goat," Little Johnny replied.
"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure
about that?"
"Yep," said Johnny "I heard Pa say to Ma, 'Might as well have
the old goat for dinner today as any other day.'" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Skeleton
A very large, old, building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for a
new skyscraper. Due to its proximity to other buildings it could not be imploded
and had to be dismantled floor by floor.
While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton in
a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They decided that they should call the
police. When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and showed them
the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They said, "This could be Jimmy
Hoffa or somebody really important."
Two days went by and the construction workers couldn't stand it any more,
they had to know who they had found. They called the police and said, "We are
the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know if it was
Jimmy Hoffa or somebody important."
The police said, "It's not Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind of
important."
"Well, who was it?"
"The 1956 Blonde National Hide-and-Seek Champion." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Santa and the FAA
Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation
Administration, and it was shortly before Christmas when the FAA examiner
arrived.
In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer.
Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order.
The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer
harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolf's nose. He painstakingly reviewed
Santa's weight and balance calculations for the sled's enormous payload.
Finally, they were ready for the check ride. Santa got in, fastened his
seatbelt and shoulder harness, and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped
in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun.
"What's that for?" asked Santa incredulously.
The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this, but you're
gonna lose an engine on takeoff." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
TOP 10
THINGS TO SAY ABOUT A HOLIDAY GIFT YOU DON'T LIKE
-
10. Hey! There's a gift.
-
9. Well, well, well...
-
8. Boy, if I had not recently shot
up 4 sizes, that would've fit.
-
7. Perfect for wearing in the
basement.
-
6. Gosh, I hope this never catches
fire!
-
5. If the dog buries it, I'll be
furious!
-
4. I Love it, but I fear the
jealousy it will inspire.
-
3. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the
federal witness protection program.
-
2. To think I got this the year I
vowed to give all my gifts to charity.
-
1. I really don't deserve this. (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
