Why?
A couple of elderly men were sitting in the park chatting
about days gone by, when a pretty young woman came into view and walked past.
Seconds later a young man appeared, walking just a bit faster than the young
woman, and gaining steadily on her. The first old man gazed after the couple and
said, "Do you remember when used to chase pretty girls down the street?" His
friend hardly stirred and replied wearily, "Yes I do remember how we used to
chase them, but I can't for the life of me remember why." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Hole In Your Head
My husband was bending over to tie my three-year-old's shoes.
That's when I noticed my son Ben staring at my husband's head.
He gently touched the slightly thinning spot of hair and said
in a concerned voice, "Daddy, you have a hole in your head. Does it hurt?"
After a pause, I heard my husband's murmured reply, "Not
physically." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Postage
A woman went to the Post
Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
"What denomination?" asked
the clerk.
"Oh, good heavens! Have we
come to this?" said the woman.
"Well, give me 50 Catholic
and 50 Baptist ones." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Dog Ate Them
A Minister had gotten about two-thirds through his sermon
when he found an unexpected shortage of manuscript. After fumbling it a moment
he said, "My good friends, I find the last pages of my discourse have gone. I
think my favorite dog must have gotten some of them yesterday and eaten them.
You must excuse me from the remainder of the discourse."
After Service, a meek little woman from another parish
introduced herself and said, "I was much interested in that dog of yours and its
performance yesterday, and might I ask a question?" "Certainly, madam." "I want
to know if it has any puppies, for I should like to take one home to my
minister." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Changing Baby
After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her
husband should try his hand at changing diapers. "I'm busy," he said, "I'll do
the next one."
The next time came around and she asked again. The husband looked puzzled,
"Oh! I didn't mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby!" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Capitol Visit
A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. She
wanted to see the Capitol building. Unfortunately, she couldn't find it, so she
asked a police officer for directions, "Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the
Capitol building?" The officer replied, "Wait here at this bus stop for the
number 54 bus. It'll take you right there." She thanked the officer and he
drives off. Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and,
sure enough, the blonde was still waiting at the same bus stop. The officer got
out of his car and said, "Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said
to wait here for the number 54 bus. That was three hours ago. Why are you still
waiting?"
The blonde replied, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long
now. The 45th bus just went by!" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Killer Wife
One day, an immigrant from Poland entered a New York City
Police Precinct to report that his American wife was planning to kill him.
The police officer on duty was intrigued by this and he
asked, "How sure are ya that she is gonna kill ya? Did she threaten to kill ya?"
"No," replied the nervous immigrant.
"Did ya hear her tell someone else that she's gonna kill ya?"
"No."
"Did someone tell ya that your wife is gonna kill ya?"
"No."
"Then why in God's name did ya think she's gonna kill ya?"
asked the exasperated police officer.
"Because I found bottle on dresser and I think she gonna
poison me!" He handed the police officer the suspect bottle.
The police officer took one look at the label on the bottle
and started to laugh out loud. The immigrant became indignant and said,
"What so funny? Can't you see the label on bottle said,
'Polish Remover'?" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Find The Dog
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
The Month After Christmas
Twas the month after New Year's, and
all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a
blouse.
The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog
I'd taste
At the holiday parties had gone to my
waist.
When I got on the scales there arose
such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a
walk than a lumber).
I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd
prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef
nicely rared,
The wine and the rum balls, the bread
and the cheese
And the way I'd never said, "No thank
you, please."
As I dressed myself in my husband's
old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle
with dirt---
I said to myself, as I only can
"You can't spend a winter disguised
as a man!"
So--away with the last of the sour
cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every
cracker and chip
Every last bit of food that I like
must be banished
'Till all the additional ounces have
vanished.
I won't have a cookie--not even a
lick.
I'll want only to chew on a long
celery stick.
I won't have hot biscuits, or corn
bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly
cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is
a bore---
But isn't that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a
good diet! (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Abbott & Costello On Computers
Costello: Hey, Abbott!
Abbott: Yes, Lou?
Costello: I just got my first
computer.
Abbott: That's great Lou. What did
you get?
Costello: A Pentium III, with 128
Megs of RAM, a 12.1 Gig hard drive, and a 48X CD-ROM.
Abbott: That's terrific, Lou
Costello: But I don't know what any
of it means!!
Abbott: You will in time.
Costello: That's exactly why I am
here to see you.
Abbott: Oh?
Costello: I heard that you are a real
computer expert.
Abbott: Well, I don't know-
Costello: Yes-sir-ee. You know your
stuff. And you're going to train me.
Abbott: Really?
Costello: Uh huh. And I am here for
my first lesson.
Abbott: O.K. Lou. What do want to
know?
Costello: I am having no problem
turning it on, but I heard that you should be very careful how you turn it off.
Abbott: That's true.
Costello: So, here I am working on my
new computer and I want to turn it off. What do I do?
Abbott: Well, first you press the
Start button, and then-
Costello: No, I told you, I want to
turn it off.
Abbott: I know, you press the Start
button-
Costello: Wait a second. I want to
turn it off. Off. I know how to start it. So tell me what to do.
Abbott: I did.
Costello: When?
Abbott: When I told you to press the
Start button.
Costello: Why should I press the
Start button?
Abbott: To shut off the computer.
Costello: I press Start to stop.
Abbott: Well Start doesn't actually
stop the computer.
Costello: I knew it! So what do I
press.
Abbott: Start
Costello: Start what?
Abbott: Start button.
Costello: Start button to do what?
Abbott: Shut down.
Costello: You don't have to get rude!
Abbott: No, no, no! That's not what I
meant.
Costello: Then say what you mean.
Abbott: To shut down the computer,
press-
Costello: Don't say, "Start!"
Abbott: Then what do you want me to
say?
Costello: Look, if I want to turn off
the computer, I am willing to press the Stop button, the End button and Cease
and Desist button, but no one in their right mind presses the Start to Stop.
Abbott: But that's what you do.
Costello: And you probably Go at Stop
signs, and Stop at green lights.
Abbott: Don't be ridiculous.
Costello: I'm being ridiculous? Well,
I think it's about time we started this conversation. Abbott: What are you
talking about?
Costello: I am starting this
conversation right now. Good-bye. (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Arizona Vacation
On doctor's orders, Melling had moved to Arizona. Two weeks
later, he was dead. His body was shipped back home, where the undertaker
prepared it for the services. Melling's brother came in to make sure everything
was taken care of. "Would you like to see the body?" the undertaker asked.
"I might as well take a look at it before the others get
here." The undertaker led him into the next room and opened the top half of the
casket. He stood back and proudly displayed his work.
"He looks good," the brother said. "Those two weeks in
Arizona were just the thing for him." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Sleepy Time
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Christmas Wrapping
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Ears
A man lost both ears in an accident. No plastic surgeon could
offer him a solution. He heard of a very good one in Sweden, and went to him.
The new surgeon examined him, thought a while, and said, "Yes, I can put you
right."
After the operation, bandages off, stitches out, he goes to
his hotel. The morning after, in a rage, he calls his surgeon, and yells, "You
swine, you gave me a woman's ears."
"Well, an ear is an ear, what's wrong? Can't you hear?"
"You're wrong, I hear everything, but I don't understand
anything!" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Acting Religious
A plane full of retirees headed for Florida was gripped with
fear when the pilot announced, "Two of our engines are on fire; we are flying
through a heavy fog, and it has eliminated virtually all our visibility." The
passengers were numb with fear, except for one... a semi-retired
minister..."Now, now, keep calm, folks" he said, "Let's all bow our heads and
pray."
Immediately, the group bowed their heads to pray... except
one fellow near the back. "Why aren't you bowing your head to pray?" the
minister asked.
"Well, I don't know how to pray," replied the passenger.
"Well, just do something religious!" piped up another well
meaning passenger.
So the man got up and started down the aisle passing his
hat... (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
What I learned in Hebrew School and what I learned in Catechism.
These are written by children and have not been retouched or corrected, poor
spelling and all!.
1. The Jews were a proud people and
throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.
2. The Egyptians were all drowned in
the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten
amendments.
3. The first commandment was when Eve
told Adam to eat the apple.
4. The seventh commandment is thou
shalt not admit adultery.
5. Moses died before he ever reached
Canada.
6. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the
battle of Geritol.
7. David was a Hebrew king skilled at
playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in
Biblical times.
8. Soloman, one of David's sons, had
300 wives and 700 porcupines.
9. Jesus was born because Mary had an
immaculate contraption.
10. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule,
which says to do one to others before they do one to you.
11. It was a miracle when Jesus rose
from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
12. The epistles were the wives of
the apostles.
13. St. Paul cavorted to
Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
14. Most religions teach us to have
only one spouse. This is called monotony. (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Redneck Christmas
Twas the night after
Christmas and all through the trailer,
the drink had gone flat and
the pizza was staler.
The tube socks hung empty,
no candies or toys,
and I was camped out on my
old Lay-Z-Boy.
The kids they weren't
talking to me or my wife,
the worst Christmas they
said they had had in their lives.
My wife couldn't argue and
neither could I,
so I just watch TV and my
wife, she just cried.
When out in the yard the dog
started barkin',
I stood up and looked and I
saw Sheriff Larkin.
He yelled, "Roy I am sworn
to uphold the laws
and I got a complaint here
from a feller named Claus."
I said, "Claus, I don't know
nobody named Claus,
and you ain't taking me in
without probable cause."
Then the Sheriff he said
"The man was shot at last night."
I said, "That might have
been me, just what's he look like?"
The Sheriff replied, "He's a
jolly old feller, with a big ole gut belly,
that shakes when he laughs
like a bowlful of jelly.
He sports a long beard, and
a nose like a cherry."
I said, "Sheriff that sounds
like my wife's sister Sherri."
"It's no time for jokes Roy"
the Sheriff he said.
"The man I'm describing is
dressed all in red.
I'm here for the truth now,
it's time to come clean.
Tell me what you've done,
tell me what you've seen."
Well I started to lie then I
thought what the heck,
It wouldn't have been the
first time that I've spent New Years in jail.
I said, "Sheriff it happened
last night about ten,
and I thought that my wife
had been sick again."
When she walked in from work
she was as white as a ghost,
I thought maybe she had seen
one of them UFO's.
But she said that a bunch of
deer had just flown over her head,
and stopped on the roof of
our good neighbor Red.
Well I ran outside to look
and the sight made me shudder,
a freezer full of venison
standing right on Red's gutter.
Well my hands were a shakin'
as I grabbed my gun,
when outta Red's chimney
this feller did run.
And slung on his back was
this bag over flowin'.
I thought he'd stoled Red's
stuff while old Red was out bowlin'.
So I yelled, "Drop fat boy,
hands in the air!"
But he went about his
business like he hadn't a care.
So I popped a warning shot
over his head.
Well he dropped that bag and
he jumped in that sled.
And as he flew off I heard
him extort,
"That's assault with intent
Roy, I'll see ya in court." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Real Belly Groaners
-
1. Two Eskimos sitting in
a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank -- proving
once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
-
2. Two boll weevils grew
up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The
other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The
second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
-
3. A three-legged dog
walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces
"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
-
4. This guy goes into a
restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays.
After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just have the eggs Benedict." His
order comes a while later and it's served on a big, shiny hubcap. He asks the
waiter, "What's with the hubcap?" The waiter sings, "Oh, there's no plate like
chrome for the hollandaise!"
-
5. When she told me I was
average, she was just being mean.
-
6. Did you hear about the
Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted
to transcend dental medication.
-
7. A group of chess
enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing
their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out
and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
-
8. A doctor made it his
regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home.
The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at
precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the
bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking
quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the
bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and
exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry," replied the
bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, Doc."
-
9. A hungry lion was
roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two
men. One was sitting under a tree reading a book; the other was typing away on
his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and
devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest, and
writers cramp.
-
10. There was a man who
entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the
hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten
did.
-
11. A woman has twins, and
gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named
"Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years
later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his Mom. Upon receiving the picture,
she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her
husband responds, "But they are twins -- if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Christmas Carols
for the Psychiatrically Challenged
SCHIZOPHRENIA - Do You Hear What I Hear?
MULTIPLE PERSONALITY - We Three Queens Disoriented Are.
DEMENTIA - I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas.
NARCISSISTIC - Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me)
MANIA -
Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office
and Town ... or Deck the Halls and Spare No Expense!
PARANOIA - Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me.
PERSONALITY DISORDER - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, then
MAYBE I'll tell you why.
DEPRESSION - Silent anhedonia, Holy anhedonia. All is calm, All is pretty
lonely.
OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE - Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle
Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell...
BORDERLINE PERSONALITY - Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire.
PASSIVE
AGGRESSIVE - On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then
took it all away). (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Interesting Points (A few might be found
in other places on site so please read completely.)
If Jimmy cracks corn and no
one cares, why is there a song about him?
Why is an alarm clock going
"off" when it actually turns on?
Why are they called stairs
inside but steps outside?
If Milli Vanilli fell in the
woods, would someone else make a sound?
If love is blind, how can we
believe in love at first sight?
Why do toasters always have
a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being
would eat?
Why is it that rain drops
but snow falls?
Who was the first person to
look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink
what ever comes out?"
If the professor on
Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in
a boat?
Why doesn't a chicken egg
taste like chicken?
Why is it that cargo is
transported by ship while a shipment is transported by car?
What was the best thing
before sliced bread?
What's the opposite of
opposite?
If you try to fail and
succeed, what did you just do?
Why does Goofy stand erect
while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
What do you call male
ballerinas?
Why do they call it "getting
your dog fixed" if afterwards it doesn't work anymore?
If Wile Coyote had enough
money for all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
Where in the nursery rhyme
does it say humpty dumpty is an egg?
If corn oil is made from
corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made
from?
Why is it that when a person
tells you there's over a million stars in the universe you believe them, but if
someone tells you there's wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make
sure?
Why do you get on a bus and
a train but get into a car?
Why is the alphabet song and
twinkle twinkle little star the same tune?
I know you can be
overwhelmed, and I know you can be underwhelmed, but can you just be whelmed?
Why does Donald Duck wear a
towel when he comes out of the shower, when he doesn't usually wear any pants?
Did Adam and Eve have
navels?
Do one legged ducks swim in
circles?
If a cat always lands on its
feet, and buttered bread always lands butter side down, what would happen if you
tied buttered bread on top of a cat?
Whose cruel idea was it for
the word "lisp" to have an "s" init?
Why do fat chance and slim
chance mean the same thing?
And who opened that first
OYSTER and said "My, my, my. Now doesn't THIS look yummy." ???
Who was the first person,
seeing an egg come from a chicken's butt, thought "I'll bet that would be good
to eat?" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
"THE
PATROLMAN"
A motorcycle patrolman was
rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and
advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something
pulling at the hairs on his chest. Worried that it might be second surgery the
doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital
gown down enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped
firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind
that doesn't come off.
Written in large black
letters was the sentence:
"Get well quick, from the
nurse you gave a ticket to last week." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Jet Ski Ultra!
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Sundays...
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Most High
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Wedding Dress
When Andrea was planning her
upcoming wedding, she asked to wear her mother's wedding dress. She went to try
it on and the gown was a perfect fit on her petite frame.
As her mother's eyes welled
up with tears, Andrea put an arm around her. "You're not losing a daughter", she
reminded her mother in time-honored fashion, "you're gaining a son."
"Oh forget about that!" said
her mother with a sob. "I used to fit into that dress!" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
TWAS THE DAY AFTER CHRISTMAS
Submitted by Karen Sharp
Twas the day after
Christmas, and all through the house,
Every creature was hurting--
even the mouse.
The toys were all broken,
their batteries dead;
Santa passed out, with some
ice on his head.
Wrapping and ribbons just
covered the floor, while
Upstairs the family
continued to snore.
And I in my T-shirt, new
Reeboks and jeans,
Went into the kitchen and
started to clean.
When out on the lawn there
arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the sink to
see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew
like a flash,
Tore open the curtains, and
threw up the sash.
When what to my wondering
eyes should appear,
But a little white truck,
with an oversized mirror.
The driver was smiling, so
lively and grand;
The patch on his jacket said
"U.S. POSTMAN."
With a handful of bills, he
grinned like a fox
Then quickly he stuffed them
into our mailbox.
Bill after bill, after bill,
they still came.
Whistling and shouting he
called them by name:
"Now Dillard's, now
Broadway's, now Penny's and Sears
Here's Levitz's and Target's
and Mervyn's--all here!!
To the tip or your limit,
every store, every mall,
Now
chargeaway-chargeaway-chargeaway all!"
He whooped and he whistled
as he finished his work.
He filled up the box, and
then turned with a jerk.
He sprang to his truck and
he drove down the road,
Driving much faster with
just half a load.
Then I heard him exclaim
with great holiday cheer,
"ENJOY WHAT YOU GOT ...
YOU'LL BE PAYING ALL YEAR!" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
