Space War
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
CPR
A lady
had just finished taking a CPR course, and was on the lookout for a chance to
try it out. As she left the shopping center, she saw a man lying on the floor
with a lot of people around him.
Screaming, "I know CPR!", she ran to the person, threw her bag down, loosened
all tight clothing and got ready to start mouth-to-mouth.
At this
stage, a huge policeman tapped her on the shoulder and asked, "Do you mind,
ma'am? I'm trying to arrest this man." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Doctor's Orders
Doctor:
"I see you're over a month late for your appointment. Don't you know that
nervous disorders require prompt and regular attention? What's your excuse?"
Patient: "I was just following your orders, Doc."
Doctor:
"Following my orders? What are you talking about? I gave you no such order."
Patient: "You told me to avoid people who irritate me." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Keeping Wrinkles In Check
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
New Transport
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Old Age
Two old
men in a retirement village were sitting in the reading room and one said to the
other, "How do you really feel? I mean, you're 72 years old, how do you honestly
feel?"
"Honestly, I feel like a new born baby. I've got no hair, no teeth, and I just
wet myself." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Ghetto Car
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Who’s Wrong
A
husband and wife were involved in a petty argument, both of them unwilling to
admit they might be in error.
"I'll
admit I'm wrong," the wife told her husband in a conciliatory attempt, "if
you'll admit I'm right."
He
agreed and, like a gentleman, insisted she go first.
"I'm
wrong," she said.
With a
twinkle in his eye, he responded, "You're right!" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Angry
Wife
When I picked up my Ford Escort at the service station after some minor repairs,
I paid $75 by check as usual.
A couple of weeks later, I came home from work to find my wife quite upset.
She gave me the silent treatment until I figured out why she was so angry.
She had noticed the canceled check and, on the memo line I had written "Escort
Service."
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Nighty Nite - Sleep Tight
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Say
Cheese...
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Santa Sleigh Gets Hit By Missile
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
PLEASE,
SANTA:
The Santa Claus at the mall was very surprised when a young lady about twenty
years old walked up and sat on his lap.
Santa doesn't usually take requests from adults, but she smiled very nicely at
him, so he asked her, "What do you want for Christmas?"
"Something for my Mother, please." said the young lady.
"Something for your Mother? Well, that's very thoughtful of you,'' smiled Santa.
"What do you want me to bring her? "
Without blinking she replied, "A son-in-law!"
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Grand Retardment
Even if you're not a grandparent you will enjoy this. A teacher asked her young
pupils how they spent their vacation.
One child wrote the following:
We always spend our vacation with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live
here in a big, brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida
and now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people.
They live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They
ride around on big tricycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they
are anymore.
They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed
because it is all right now. They play games and do exercises there, but
they don't do them very well.
There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with their
hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim.
At their gate there is a dollhouse with a little old man sitting in it. He
watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. Then they
go cruising in their golf carts.
My grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody
there cooks, they just eat out. And they eat the same thing every night: Early
Birds.
Some of the people can't get past the man in the dollhouse to go out, so the
ones who get out bring food back to the wrecked center and call it pot luck.
My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I
should work hard so I can be retarded one day, too.
When I earn my retardment I want to be the man in the dollhouse. Then I
will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren.
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Paybacks
Here is one story about people shoveling the snow for a
parking space in front their house. This apparently is a problem for the Chicago
police every winter. What happens is that somebody will park in a nearby parking
lot, then slave away for how ever many hours it takes to shovel out a car-sized
space in front of his house, naturally so he can park his car there. Then he
goes back to the lot to get his car.
When he returns home, he finds that the space has been taken
by some other car. He is, well, upset.
What most people do is write nasty notes etc. and place them
on the windshield of the offending vehicle. Where the police get involved,
however, is the occasional case where the individual vents his wrath in somewhat
more violent means. Tires and throats have been slashed over this.
One time a fellow got creative. Instead of doing the usual
nasty, he got out his garden hose and watered the automobile down, real well. I
mean, very, very thoroughly. The water, of course, froze solid. When the owner
returned, instead of a car, he found a car-sized Popsicle.
The note on the car read: "You want the space? Here, it's
yours until spring! (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Party
Invitation
A U.S. Navy cruiser pulled into port
in Mississippi for a week's liberty.
The first evening, the Captain was more than a little surprised to receive the
following letter from the wife of a wealthy plantation owner:
"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter Melinda's, coming of age party. I
would like you to send four well mannered, handsome, unmarried officers. They
should arrive at 8 p.m. prepared for an evening of polite southern
conversation and dance with lovely young ladies. One last point: No, Mexicans.
We don't like Mexicans."
Sure enough, at 8 p.m. on Thursday, the lady heard a rap at the door. She opened
the door to find, in dress uniform, four exquisitely mannered, smiling black
officers. Her jaw hit the floor, but pulling herself together she stammered,
"There must be some mistake!"
"On no, madam," said the first officer, "Captain Martinez doesn't make
mistakes." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Clocked
The rules at a particular university were such that if the professor were not
present in the classroom by 15 minutes past the hour, the class was considered a
"walk" and the students were free to leave - with no penalties for missing a
class.
The rooms were equipped with the type wall clocks that "jumped" ahead each
minute, in a very noticeable fashion. As it were, these clocks were also not of
the most sophis- ticated construction. Some enterprising student discovered that
if one were to hit the clock with chalkboard erasers, it would cause the clock
to "jump" ahead 1 minute.
It became almost daily practice for these students to take target practice at
the clock (as it would have it, this particular professor was not the most
punctual, and the students considered him severely "absent-minded"). A few well
aimed erasers, and lo,
15 minutes were passed, and class dismissed itself.
Well, when the day for the next exam rolled around, the professor strolled into
the room, passed out the exams, and told them "You have 1 hour to complete".
The professor then proceeded to collect the erasers from around the room,
gleefully taking aim at the clock. When he had successfully "jumped" the clock
forward 1 hour, he closed the class and collected the exam papers. (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Marry A
Veteran
Sign in the Army Recruiting Office:
Marry a veteran, girls.
He can cook, make beds, sew, is in perfect health; And is already used to taking
orders. (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
OOP's Wrong Ramp
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Cotton Nightgowns
Looking in the mall
for a cotton nightgown, I tried my luck in a store known for its hot lingerie.
To my delight, however, I found just what I was looking for.
Waiting in the line to pay, I noticed a young woman behind me holding the same
nightgown.
This confirmed what I suspected all along: despite being over 50, I still have a
very "with it" attitude.
"I see we have the same taste," I said proudly to the 20- something behind me.
"Yes," she replied. "I'm getting this for my grandmother."
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Trying To Get Pregnant
My husband and I had been trying to have a third child for awhile.
Unfortunately, the day I was to take a home pregnancy test, he was called out of
town on business. I had told our young daughters about the test, and they
were excited. We decided if it
was positive, we would buy a baby outfit to surprise their father when he got
home.
The three of us stood in the bathroom eagerly waiting for the telltale line to
appear. When it did not, my thoughtful seven-year-old gave me a hug.
"It's okay, Mom," she said. "The next time Daddy goes out of town, you can
try and get pregnant again." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Supplies
Cupboard
I needed some
supplies from a Sunday school cupboard that was seldom used and was secured with
a lock. I didn't know the combination, but our clergyman offered to give it a
try.
The Pastor placed his fingers on the lock's dial and raised his eyes heavenward
for a moment. Then he confidently spun the dial and opened the lock. Seeing how
impressed I was with this demonstration of faith, he smiled and confided, "The
numbers are written on the ceiling."
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Crash Survivor
At the crash site, one lone survivor sat with his back
against a tree, chewing on a bone.
As he tossed the bone onto a huge pile of there bones, he
noticed the rescue team.
"Thank God", he cried out in relief. "I am saved!"
The rescue team did not move, as they were in shock, seeing
the pile of human bones beside this lone survivor. Obviously he had eaten his
comrades.
The survivor saw the horror in their faces and hung his own
head in shame. "You can't judge me for this," he insisted. "I had to survive. Is
it so wrong to want to live?"
The leader of the rescue team stepped forward, shaking his
head in disbelief. "I won't judge you for doing what was necessary to survive,
but my God man, your plane only went down yesterday!" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Puzzle Works
A blonde calls up her friend and asks her if she can come
over and help her with this awesome puzzle she just got.
Well, the friend figured "Hey, I'm pretty good at puzzles, so
what have I got to loose?"
The friend goes over to the blonde's house and tells her to
show him the puzzle.
The blonde takes her friend into the kitchen and the friend
asks the blonde what the puzzle was supposed to be a picture of.
The blonde replied "a tiger".
The friend looks at the box the blonde showed her and said:
"Well, 2 things: #1, this puzzle will NEVER look like a
tiger, and #2, put all of the Frosted Flakes back in the box!"
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
New
Strategy
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Interactive Monitor
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Police Dog
A friend of mine is a
deputy with the sheriff's department canine unit. One evening, the deputy was
dispatched to the scene of a possible burglary, where he discovered the back
door of a building ajar.
He let the dog out
his patrol car and commanded it to enter and seek. Jumping from the back seat,
the dog headed for the building. After lunging through the doorway, the dog
froze and backed out. My friend was puzzled until he investigated further.
Then he noticed the
sign on the building: "Veterinarian's Office." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Oooooooohhhhh That's So Cold
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Comrade Rudolph
A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one
night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining", he said to
his wife. "No, that felt more like snow to me", she replied.
"No, I'm sure it was just rain" he said.
Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major
argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a Communist
Party official walking toward them.
"Let's not fight about it", the man said, "Let's ask Comrade
Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing".
As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade
Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"
"It's raining, of course", he replied, and walked on.
But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!" to
which the man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red, knows rain, dear". (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Bread
The Governor made
room on his busy calendar to hear the pleas of one Mrs. Smith that her husband
be released from the state penitentiary. "What was he sentenced for?" asked the
Governor gently.
"For stealing a loaf
of bread," nervously replied the offender's wife.
"Is he a good
husband? "
"No," she replied
frankly, blushing a bit. "He doesn't help around the house, he's not good with
the kids, and never had a steady job."
"It sounds to me as
though you're better off without him," said the Governor. "Why on earth do you
want him out of jail?"
"Well," she
explained, "we're out of bread again."
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Here
Comes Trouble
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Santa Loses It
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Rudolph's
Revenge
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
UN Survey
Recently a survey was
conducted by the U.N. worldwide. The question asked was, "Would you please give
your opinion about the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a huge
failure.
-
In Africa they did
not know what 'food' meant.
-
In Western Europe,
they did not know what 'shortage' meant.
-
In Eastern Europe
they did not know what 'opinion' meant.
-
In South America
they did not know what 'please' meant.
-
And in the U.S.
they did not know what 'the rest of the world' meant. (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Cemetery Walk
One dark night two men were walking home after a party and
decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the
middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from
the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and
chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones. "Holy cow, Mister," one of them
said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death we thought you were
a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"
"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my
name!"
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Dads
Three boys are in the
school yard bragging about their fathers.
The first boy says,
"My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give
him $50."
The second boy says,
"That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a
song, they give him $100."
The third boy says,
"I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls
it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
I Don't
Do Mornings
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
College Graduate
A young man hired by
a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a
warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom, and said, "Your first job will be
to sweep out the store." "But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied
indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I
didn't realize that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom -- I'll show
you how."
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Hitchhiker's Cow
Sam, a business man
was driving home after long sales trip in Arkansas and saw a hitchhiker with a
cow along I-40. Sam finally stopped and the hitchhiker approached the window and
said, "Will you give me a ride to Denver Sir?" Sam was amazed and said, "I do
not mind, but you will have to leave your cow here."
"No Sir," the
hitchhiker said. "I will just tie her to the back of the car, and I promise you
sir, she will not slow you down. I Promise."
The business man was
reluctant, but he was dying for company, so he agreed. The hitchhiker was elated
and tied the cow to the back bumper.
They started out and
Sam took the car up to 10 miles per hour, he looked in the mirror and the cow
seemed to be trotting along. 20 mph, 30 mph, 40 mph, did not phase the cow. The
hitchhiker looked over to Sam and assured him that the cow would be fine, not to
worry.
Sam took the car up
to 55 mph and still the cow was looking very comfortable. Now Sam was getting a
little frustrated by this cow who could keep up with his car. Sam watched the
speedometer go to 65, 75 and finally 90 mph.
Sam looked back and
FINALLY the cow seemed tired, "I got you ........"
"What is the matter?"
the hitchhiker asked.
"Your cow seems
tired, her tongue is sticking out," the business man said.
"Is it sticking out
on the left, or the right?" the hitchhiker asked.
"The left side," Sam
said with a smile.
"Well," the
hitchhiker said, "You better pull over, she is trying to pass you."
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
