Lane Drop
Ahead (ouch! That's Gotta Hurt!)
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
The Other
Door
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Can't Find It
Norman was excited
about his first day at school. So excited in fact, that only a few minutes after
class started, he realized that he desperately needed to go to the bathroom. So
Norman raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused. Of course the
teacher said yes, but asked Norman to be quick. Five minutes later Norman
returned, looking more desperate and embarrassed.
"I can't find it," he
admitted. The teacher sat Norman down and drew him a little diagram to where he
should go and asked him if he will be able to find it now.
Norman looked at the
diagram, said "yes" and goes on his way.
Well five minutes
later he returned to the class room and says to the teacher "I can't find it".
Frustrated, the
teacher asked Eddie, a boy who has been at the school for awhile, to help him
find the bathroom. So Eddie and Norman go together and five minutes later they
both return and sit down at their seats.
The teacher asks
Eddie "Well, did you find it?"
Eddie is quick with
his reply: "Oh sure, he just had his boxer shorts on backwards." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Kitty
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Romance Books - Would You Want
To Buy!
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Relaxed Cat
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
New Truck Unloading Procedures
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Hot Bath
Feeling edgy, a man
took a hot bath. Just as he'd become comfortable, the front doorbell rang. The
man got out of the tub, put on terry cloth slippers and a large towel, wrapped
his head in a smaller towel, and went to the door. A salesman at the door wanted
to know if he needed any brushes. Slamming the door, the man returned to the
bath. The doorbell rang again. On went the slippers and towels, and the man
started for the door again. He took one step, slipped on a wet spot, fell, and
hit his back against the hard porcelain of the tub.
In much agony, the
man struggled into his street clothes and, with every move a stab of pain, drove
to the doctor. After examining him, the doctor said, "You know, you've been
lucky. Nothing is broken. But you need to relax. Why don't you go home and take
a long hot bath?" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Redneck Winner
A Redneck buys a
ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it and the man verifies
his ticket number. The Redneck says, "I want my $20 million."
The man replied, "No,
sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today and then you'll get
the rest spread out for the next 19 years."
The Redneck said,
"Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it."
Again, the man
explains that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next
19 years.
The Redneck, furious
with the man, screams out, "Look, I want my money! If you're not going to give
me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Flagpoles
A group of blondes in
a class at New Mexico State University were given the assignment to measure the
height of a flagpole. So they went out to the flagpole with ladders and tape
measures, and they're falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures - the
whole thing was just a mess.
An engineering
student comes along, sees what they're trying to do, walks over, pulls the
flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the
measurement to one of the blondes and walked away.
After the engineer
had gone, one blonde turned to another and laughed. "Isn't that just like a dumb
man engineer? We're looking for the height and he gives us the length!" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Wedding Vows
During my husband's
time as a mature student, we didn't have much money for our family of seven. At
a friend's wedding, my four-year-old daughter was sitting next to me when the
vicar asked, "Do you take this man for better or worse, for richer or
poorer, in sickness and in health?" Our daughter turned to me and whispered
loudly, "You chose poorer, didn't you Mummy?" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Retriever
In his younger days
our golden retriever Catcher often ran away when he had the chance. His
veterinarian's office was about a mile down the road, and Catcher would usually
go there. The office staff knew him and would call me to come pick him up.
One day I called the vet to make an appointment for Catcher's yearly vaccine.
"Will you bring him," asked the receptionist, "or will he come on his own?" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Old Sofa Pickup
Someone in our
neighborhood put a huge sofa out by the curb for trash collection. Since it was
in good shape, many motorists slowed down for a look. But when they saw how
enormous it was, they'd leave.
Eventually a compact
car pulled up, and two men got out. "This I've got to see," I thought. They
removed the cushions, turned the sofa upside down, and shook it hard. Then they
picked up all the coins that tumbled out and drove off.
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Magical Duck
A circus owner walked
into a pet store to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show.
On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus
owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After
some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.
Three days later the
circus owner runs back to the pet store in anger, "Your duck is a ripoff! I put
him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!"
"So?" asked the ducks
former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Einstein's Joke
After having
propounded his famous theory, Albert Einstein would tour the various
Universities in the United States, delivering lectures wherever he went. He was
always accompanied by his faithful chauffer, Harry, who would attend each of
these lectures while seated in the back row! One fine day, after Einstein had
finished a lecture and was coming out of the auditorium into his vehicle, Harry
addresses him and says, "Professor Einstein, I've heard your lecture on
Relativity so many times, that if I were ever given the opportunity, I would be
able to deliver it to perfection myself!"
"Very well," replied
Einstein, "I'm going to Dartmouth next week. They don't know me there. You can
deliver the lecture as Einstein, and I'll take your place as Harry!"
And so it went to
be... Harry delivered the lecture to perfection, without a word out of place,
while Einstein sat in the back row playing "chauffer", and enjoying a snooze for
a change.
Just as Harry was
descending from the podium, however, one of the research assistants intercepted
him, and began to ask him a question on the theory of relativity.... one that
involved a lot of complex calculations and equations. Harry replied to the
assistant "The answer to this question is very simple! In fact, it's so simple,
that I'm going to let my chauffer answer it!" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Liars
A busload of
politicians were driving down a country road when the bus suddenly ran off the
road and crashed into an old farmer's field. The old farmer heard the tragic
crash so he rushed over to investigate. He then began digging a large grave to
bury the politicians.
A few hours later,
the local sheriff was driving past the farmer's field and noticed the bus wreck.
He approached the old farmer and asked where all the politicians had gone.
The old farmer
explained that he'd gone ahead and buried all of them.
"Were they ALL dead?"
asked the puzzled sheriff.
"Well, some of them
said they weren't," said the old farmer, "but you know how them politicians
lie." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Reindeer Evaluation
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Rough Landing
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Shredder
A young executive was
leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a
shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the
CEO, "This is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has
gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the
young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the
start button.
"Excellent,
excellent" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just
need one copy." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
War Refugee
About a month ago, a
man in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so he went to his priest,
"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII I hid a refugee in my attic."
"Well," answered the
priest, "that's not a sin."'
"But I made him agree
to pay me 20 Guilders for every week he stayed."
"I admit that wasn't
good, but you did it for a good cause."
"Oh, thank you,
Father; that eases my mind. I have one more question..."
"What is that, my
son?"
"Do I have to tell
him the war is over?" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Floating Stove
An engineer, a
psychologist, and a theologian were hunting in the wilderness of northern
Canada. Suddenly, the temperature dropped and a furious snowstorm was upon them.
They came across an isolated cabin, far removed from any town. The hunters had
heard that the locals in the area were quite hospitable, so they knocked on the
door to ask permission to rest.
No one answered their
knocks, but they discovered the cabin was unlocked and they entered. It was a
simple place ... 2 rooms with a minimum of furniture and household equipment.
Nothing was unusual about the cabin except the stove. It was large, pot-bellied,
and made of cast-iron. What was strange about it was its location ... it was
suspended in midair by wires attached to the ceiling beams.
"Fascinating," said
the psychologist. "It is obvious that this lonely trapper, isolated from
humanity, has elevated this stove so that he can curl up under it and
vicariously experience a return to the womb."
"Nonsense!" replied
the engineer. "The man is practicing the laws of thermodynamics. By elevating
his stove, he has discovered a way to distribute heat more evenly throughout the
cabin."
"With all due
respect," interrupted the theologian, "I'm sure that hanging his stove from the
ceiling has religious meaning. Fire LIFTED UP has been a religious symbol for
centuries."
The three debated the
point for several hours without resolving the issue. When the trapper finally
returned, they immediately asked him why he had hung his heavy pot-bellied stove
from the ceiling.
His answer was
succinct. "Had plenty of wire, not much stove pipe." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Church Board
After a long, dry
sermon, the minister announced that he wished to meet with the church board
following the close of the service. However, the first man to arrive was a total
stranger.
"You misunderstood my
announcement. This is a meeting of the board," said the minister.
"I know," said the
man, "but if there is anyone here more bored than I am, I'd like to meet him." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Ralph
Needlemeyer
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Old Aunt Emma
A couple's happy
married life almost went on the rocks because of the presence in the household
of old Aunt Emma. For seven long years she lived with them, always crotchety,
always demanding. Finally the old lady died.
On the way back from
the cemetery, the husband confessed to his wife, "Darling, if I didn't love you
so much, I don't think I would have put up with having your Aunt Emma in the
house all those years."
His wife looked at
him aghast. "*My* Aunt Emma! she cried. I thought she was *your* Aunt Emma!" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Exhausted
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Perfect Cakes
A young man was
visiting his brother and sister-in-law for Sunday dinner. As he arrived at their
house he found his young nephew, Mikey, helping them bake some cupcakes.
After they were done,
his sister-in-law allowed Mikey to put the icing on. When the boy had finished,
he brought them to the table.
"The cupcakes look
delicious, Mike." his uncle said. He took a bite and said, "Mikey these are so
good."
As he finished
cupcake and took another, he again complimented his little nephew. "The cupcakes
look beautiful, Mikey," his uncle said. "How did you get the icing so neat?"
His nephew replied,
"It was easy. I just licked them."
The uncle turned
pale. He pointed to the plate of cupcakes. "You licked all of these?"
Mikey replied, "Well
no. After a while my tongue got tired, and I got the dog to help." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Good
Combination
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Bookstore
A friend and her
young son, Reid, were browsing in a large bookstore. Engrossed in making a
selection, my friend had lost sight of her child.
"Reid!" she called
out, racing through the aisles. "Reid!"
Just as she spotted
the boy, she bumped into another customer. "Pardon me, ma'am," he said, "but
most folks come here because they already like to read. No sense in wasting your
time trying to convince them." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Elderly Moment
An elderly couple had
dinner at another couple's house and, after eating, the wives left the table and
went into the kitchen. The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one says:
"Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would
recommend it very highly."
The other man says:
"What's the name of the restaurant?" The first man knits his brow in obvious
concentration, and finally says to his companion: "Aahh, what is the name of
that red flower you give to someone you love?"
His friend replies:
"A carnation?" "No, no. The other one," the man says. His friend offers another
suggestion: "The poppy?" "Nahhhh," growls the man.
"You know - the one
that is red and has thorns." His friend says: "Do you mean a rose?" "Yes! Thank
you!" the first man says. He then turns toward the kitchen and yells: "Rose,
what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
On Safari
A big-game hunter
went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law.
One evening, while
still deep in the jungle, the Mrs. awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her
husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.
The hunter picked up
his rifle, took a drink of coffee, and started to look for her.
In a clearing not far
from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up
against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.
The wife cried, "What
are we going to do?"
"Nothing," said the
hunter husband. "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of
it." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Max Sink Hole
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
New Cowpoke
More than anything,
Bob wanted to be a cowpoke. Taking pity on him, a rancher decided to hire the
lad and give him a chance. "This," he said, showing him a rope, "is a lariat. We
use it to catch cows." "I see," said Bob, trying to seem knowledgeable as he
examined the lariat. "And what do you use for bait?" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Police Dog
It was the end of the
day when a cop parked his police van in front of the station. As he gathered his
equipment, his K-9 partner was barking and he saw a little boy staring in at
him. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," he replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at him and then towards the back of the van. Finally he
said, "What'd he do?" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Good News – Bad News
Woman phones up her
husband at work for a chat. Husband: "I'm sorry dear, but I'm up to my neck in
work today." Wife: "But I've got some good news and some bad news for you,
dear." Husband: "Okay, darling, but as I've got very little time now, so just
give me the good news." Wife: "Well, the air bag works." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Waving Hands
From a passenger
ship, everyone can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and
desperately waving his hands. "Who is it?" a passenger asks the captain. "I've
no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes nuts." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Chess Tourney
During the Karpov-Kasparov
world chess championships they came to an adjournment and left for their hotel.
In the lobby of the hotel several chess enthusiasts could be heard bragging, "I
could beat Karpov with no problem". "Oh yeah, I could beat both of them at the
same time." "That's nothing, I could beat both of them blindfolded!" Finally,
the hotel manager had had enough and threw them all out of the hotel. But why?"
a bystander asked. "Because," the manager replied "I hate chess nuts boasting by
an open foyer!" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Memorial Day
Memorial Day weekend
was coming up, and the nursery school teacher took the opportunity to tell her
class about patriotism. "We live in a great country," she said. "One of the
things we should be happy about is that, in this country, we are all free." One
little boy came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood with his
hands on his hips and said "I'm not free. I'm four." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Old Habits
Several Nuns were in
their second floor convent one night when a fire broke out. The Nuns took their
habits off and tied them together to make a rope to get out of the building via
the window. After they were safely on the ground and out of the building, a news
reporter came over to one of the Nuns and said to her, "Weren't you afraid that
the habits could have ripped or broke since they are old?" The Nun Replied, "No,
don't you know old habits are hard to break?" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Free Admission
The boy came skipping
into the house with a big lollipop in his hands. "Where did you get it?" his
mother asked. "I bought it with the quarter you gave me." "The quarter I gave
you was for Sunday School." "I know Mom," said the boy, "but the minister met me
at the door and got me in free." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Poor Mr. Gates
Bill Gates died in a
car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God. "Well, Bill,
I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or
Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost
every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95.
I'm going to do
something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide
where you want to go!" Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference
between the two?" God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if
it will help you make a decision."
So first, Bill went
to visit Hell. It was a beautiful, clean sandy beach with clear waters. There
were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing
and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect. Bill
was very pleased. "This is great!" he told God. "If this is Hell, I REALLY want
to see Heaven!" "Fine," said God and off they went.
Heaven was a high
place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It
was nice but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute and
rendered his decision. "Hmmm, I think I prefer Hell," he told God. "Fine,"
retorted God, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell.
Two weeks later, God
decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell.
When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst
the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons.
"How's everything
going, Bill?" God asked.
Bill responded, his
voice full of anguish and disappointment. "This is awful. This is not at all
what I expected. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the
beautiful women playing in the water?"
God smiled and said,
"That was the screen saver." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
