"The Snowstorm"
Norman and his blonde
wife live in Prince George. One winter morning while listening to the radio,
they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 3 to 4 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow
can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while
they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 4 to 5
inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the
street, so the snowplow can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her
car again.
The next week they
are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 10
to 12 inches of snow today. You must park...?? then the electric power goes out.
Norman's wife says,
"Honey, I don't know what to do."
Norman says, "Why
don't you just leave it in the garage this time?" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Snakes
Two snakes were
slithering through a field.
One snake turned to
the other and asked, "Do you suppose we are poisonous?"
"I don't know",
replied the other, "Why?"
"Well", said the
first, "I just bit my lip" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Fairy Tales
What's the difference
between a northern fairy tale and a southern fairy tale?
A northern fairy tale
begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairy tale
begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this..." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Knowing Where To Put It
There was an engineer
who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his
company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired.
Several years later,
the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were
having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried
everything and everyone to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In
desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their
problems in the past.
The engineer
reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the
end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the
machine and proudly stated, "This is where your problem is."
The part was replaced
and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000
from the engineer for his services. They demanded an itemized accounting of his
charges.
The engineer
responded:
One chalk mark . . .
. . . . . . . . . . $1
Knowing where to put
it . . . . . . . $49,999 (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Dollar Per Point
A professor was
giving a big test one day to his students.
He handed out all of
the tests and went back to his desk to wait.
Once the test was
over the students all handed the tests back in.
The professor noticed
that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying
"A dollar per point."
The next day the
professor handed the graded tests back out.
The student got back
his test and $64 change.... (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
He’s Losing His Load
As a trucker stops
for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his
truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi,
my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores
her and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops
for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs
up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've
never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are
losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and
continues down the street.
At the third red
light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of
her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again
she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns
green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time,
he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on
her window, and as she lowers it, he says... "Hi, my name is Marc, it's winter
in Minnesota and I'm driving a SALT TRUCK!" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
A Good Hearted Lawyer?
One afternoon, a
lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass
by the road side.
He ordered his driver
to stop and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating
grass?", he asked one man.
"We don't have any
money for food," the poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with
me then."
"But sir, I have a
wife with two children!"
"Bring them along!
And you, come with us too," he said to the other man.
"But sir, I have a
wife with six children!" the second man answered.
"Bring them as well,"
said the lawyer.
They all climbed into
the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once
underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for
taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied,
"No, you don't understand, the grass at my home is about three feet tall!" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Who’s The Laziest?
A site foreman had
ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into
doing some work for a change.
"I've got a really
easy job today for the laziest one among you," he announced.
"Will the laziest man
please put his hand up." Nine hands went up.
"Why didn't you put
your hand up?" he asked the tenth man.
"Too much trouble,"
came the reply. (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Fire Hats
In a small Southern
town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone
into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing
firemen's helmets.
Totally unable to
come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quick Stop" on the edge of
town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets.
She exploded into a
rage, yelling at me, "You damn Yankees never do read the Bible!"
I assured her that I
did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.
She jerked her Bible
from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her
finger at a passage.
Sticking it in my
face she said, "See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar.'" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Mental Hospital Patient Dismissal
Dr. Leroy, the head
psychiatrist at the local mental hospital, is examining patients to see if
they're cured and ready to re-enter society.
"So, Mr. Clark," the
doctor says to one of his patients, "I see by your chart that you've been
recommended for dismissal. Do you have any idea what you might do once you're
released?"
The patient thinks
for a moment, then replies, "Well, I went to school for mechanical engineering.
That's still a good field, good money there. But on the other hand, I thought I
might write a book about my experience here in the hospital, what it's like to
be a patient here. People might be interested in reading a book like that. In
addition, I thought I might go back to college and study art history, which I've
grown interested in lately."
Dr. Leroy nods and
says, "Yes, those all sound like intriguing possibilities."
The patient replies,
"And the best part is, in my spare time, I can go on being a teapot." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Census Taker
The doorbell rang and
the little girl ran to open the door. In the doorway stood a man with a
clipboard. He explained he was from the Census Bureau and wanted to know how
many were in the family.
Coming over, drying
her hands on her apron, the mother said, "Let's see. There's me and my husband,
and my children Tracy, Katherine, Amanda, Alfred, Benjamin--"
The census taker
interrupted, saying, "I'm not interested in the names. The numbers will be
enough."
The little girl
pitched in. "We don't use numbers. We haven't run out of names yet!" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Our
Website Miracle
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Agnostic, Dyslexic Insomniac
Did you hear about
the agnostic, dyslexic insomniac? He stayed up all night wondering if there was
a dog. (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Redneck Cat Carrier
Submitted By Linda O'Nele
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
New Clothing Line at Wal-Mart
Submitted By Tammy Doty
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Born
To Dance
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Under Attack
An old Wild West fort is about to be attacked. The wily old
General sends for his trusty Indian Scout.
"Yumti-Bi," he said, "you must use all your thirty years of
skill in trying to estimate the sort of army we are up against here."
Yumti-Bi layed down and put his ear to the ground...
"Large Heap - war party," he says, "maybe three hundred
braves, four chiefs, two on black horses, two on white stallions. All have
warpaint...many many guns. Medicine man also with them."
"Good grief!" exclaims the General, "you can tell all of that
just by listening to the ground???"
"No, General," replied the Indian, "I can see under the
gate..." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Thunder and Lightning
A little kid walks to and from school each day. One morning
the weather was bad, with threatening clouds forming as he made his daily trek
to primary school.
In the afternoon, a gale was brewing as was the coming
thunder and lightning.
The kid's Mother was very concerned that her son would be
fearful as he walked home, and god forbid anything should happen to him on the
way home with such an electrical storm...
Following the roar of thunder, lightning would cut through
the sky like a flaming sword.
Full of concern, the Mother quickly decided to drive along
the route her kid goes to school from.
As she did so, she saw her little boy walking along, but at
each flash of lightning, he would stop, look up and smile.
With each crash of thunder and then lightning, the little boy
would look at the streak of light and smile.
When the mother's car drew up beside the child, she lowered
the window and called to him, "What are you doing? Why do you keep stopping?"
The child answered, "I am trying to look nice. God keeps
taking my picture." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Blackmail
"Thanks so much for the harmonica you gave me for Christmas,"
Little Johnny said to his Uncle the first time he saw him after the holidays.
"It's the best Christmas present I've ever got."
"Well Johnny, that's great," smiled his Uncle. "Have you
learned how to play it yet?"
"Oh, no, I don't play it," Little Johnny said. "My mom gives
me a dollar a day not to play it during the day and my dad gives me five dollars
a week not to play it at night." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Wet Pets
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Thermometer Goes Where
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Hidden Remote
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Vet
"Darling," whispered a frail little husband from his chair.
"I'm very sick, would you please call me a vet?" "A vet? Why do you want a vet
and not a medical doctor?" asked his wife.
The husband replied, "Because I work like a horse, live like
a dog, and have to sleep with a black widow!" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Wrong
Button Can Anyone Spell Court Martial!
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Shoe
Repair
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Best In World
A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a lawyer are in a train.
The Russian takes a bottle of the Best Vodka out of his pack;
pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: "In USSR, we have the best vodka
of the world, nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one we
produce in Ukrainia. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it
away..."
Saying that, he opens the window and throws the rest of the
bottle thru it.
All the others are quite impressed. The Cuban takes out a
pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins to smoke it saying: "In
Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas. Nowhere in the world there
is so many and so good cigars and we have so much of them, that we can just
throw them away...".
Saying that, he throws the pack of Havanas thru the window.
One more time, everybody is quite impressed. At this time,
the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the lawyer through
it... (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Stingy Lawyer
A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal
illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you."
After much thought and consideration, the old
ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with
him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough
money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money
to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: When he passed
away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.
Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife,
up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with
cash.
"Oh, that darned old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should
have had me put the money in the basement." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Not So Stupid
A businessman was talking with his barber, when they both
noticed a goofy-looking fellow bouncing down the sidewalk. The barber whispered,
"That's Tommy, one of the stupidest kids you'll ever meet. Here, I'll show you."
"Hey Tommy! Come here!" yelled the barber.
Tommy came bouncing over "Hi Mr. Williams!"
The barber pulled out a rusty dime and a shiny quarter and
told Tommy he could keep the one of his choice. Tommy looked long and hard at
the dime and quarter and then quickly snapped the dime from the barber's hand.
The barber looked at the businessman and said, "See, I told you."
After his haircut, the businessman caught up with Tommy and
asked him why he chose the dime.
Tommy looked at him in the eye and said, "If I take the
quarter, the game is over." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
CIA Agents
The director of the CIA has to test three new agents, a
25-year-old, a 35-year-old, and a 45-year-old. He puts each of their wives in a
different room. He hands the 25-year-old a gun and says, "Go into the room and
kill your wife." The 25-year-old says, "I can't do it. I love her too much."
The director hands the gun to the 35-year-old and says, "Go
into the room and kill your wife." The 35-year-old goes into the room, comes out
after five minutes, and says, "I can't do it."
The director hands the gun to the 45-year-old and says, "Go
into the room and kill your wife." The 45-year-old goes into the room. Three
shots ring out, and then there's the sound of scuffling and fighting.
The director runs into the room and sees the wife dead on the
floor. He says, "What happened?"
The 45-year-old says, "Some idiot put blanks in the gun, so I
had to choke her to death!" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Downloaded Kid
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Weapons
After an overnight
flight to meet my father at his latest military assignment, my mother wearily
arrived at Rhein-Main Air Base in Germany with my eight siblings and me -- all
under age 11. Collecting our many suitcases, the ten of us entered the cramped
customs area. A young customs official watched our entourage in disbelief,
"Ma'am," he said, "do all these children and this luggage belong to you?" "Yes,
sir," my mother said with a sigh, "they're all mine."
The customs agent
began his interrogation: "Ma'am, do you have any weapons, contraband or illegal
drugs in your possession?"
"Sir," she calmly
answered, "if I'd had any of those items, I would have used them by now." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Blind Skydiver
A blind man was
describing his favorite sport of skydiving. When asked how this was
accomplished, he said that everything was done for him. "I am placed in the door
and told when to jump," he said. "My hand is placed on my release ring for me,
and out I go." "But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked.
"I have a very keen
sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the
ground," he answered.
"But how do you know
when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was asked.
He quickly answered,
"Oh, my dog's leash goes slack." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Suggestion
Box
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Keeping You At Your Desk
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Celibacy Error
One day, two monks
were in the vaults of the monastery going through the old scrolls. "You see,
there are the originals," said the first monk. "All the new scrolls were copied
from these."
"Can I see one?"
"Sure. This is one
outlines the rules for monkdom--" All of a sudden, the monk's face turns white
and he falls to his knees.
"What? What does it
say?"
"Celebrate. IT SAYS
CELEBRATE!" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
First Ticket
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Close In
Parking
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
How Old Am I?
Luke's wife bought a
new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After
a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products she asked,
"Darling, honestly what age would you say I am?"
Looking over her
carefully, Luke replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen;
and your figure, twenty-five."
"Oh, you flatterer!"
she gushed.
"Hey, wait a minute!"
Luke interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Late For Work Just Once
For thirty years,
Johnson had arrived at work at 9 A.M. on the dot. He had never missed a day and
was never late. Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without
Johnson's arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased and the boss himself,
looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor. Finally,
precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched
and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched
in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, "I tripped and rolled down two
flights of stairs in the subway. Nearly killed myself."
And the boss said,
"And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Peer Pressure
A reporter was
interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing
about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
