Sign Of The Times
My granddaughter came
to spend a few weeks with me, and >I decided to teach her to sew. After I had
gone through a lengthy explanation of how to thread the machine, she stepped
back, put her hands on her hips, and said in disbelief, "You mean you can do all
that, but you can't operate my Game Boy?" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Making A Will
A man went to his
lawyer and said "I would like to make a will but I don't know exactly how to go
about it." The lawyer says "No problem, leave it all to me". The man looks
somewhat upset ... "Well I knew you were going to take the biggest slice, but
I'd like to leave a little to my children too!" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Big Game
During the Super
Bowl, there was another football game of note between the big animals and the
little animals. The big animals were crushing little animals and at half-time,
the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals. At the start of
the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play, the elephant got
stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. On
third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5 yard loss. The defense huddled around
the coach and he asked excitedly, "Who stopped the elephant?" "I did," said the
centipede. "Who stopped the rhino?" "Uh, that was me too," said the centipede.
"And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?" "Well, that was me as
well," said the centipede. "So where were you during the first half?" demanded
the coach. "Well," said the centipede, "I was having my ankles taped." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Happy Meals?
At the next table in
a fast food restaurant, one youngster was sobbing because he didn't get the toy
he wanted with his food. Another dumped his drink over his sister's burger
because she was stealing his fries. Then the smallest fell off his chair.
Clearly at the end of her rope, the mother dragged the boy up from the floor,
placed him back into his chair, and said, "Shut up, all of you, and eat your
Happy Meals!" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Yesterday's Technology
While trying to
explain to his five-year-old daughter how much technology had changed, a man
pointed to his brand-new personal computer and told her that when he was in
college, a computer with the same amount of power would have been the size of a
house. Wide-eyed, the daughter asked, "How big was the mouse?" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Here After
Her minister told an
eighty-year-old woman that, at her age, she should be giving some thought to
what he called "the hereafter." She said to him, "I think about it many times a
day." "Oh, really?" said the minister. "That is very wise." "It's not a matter
of wisdom," she replied. "It's when I open a drawer or a closet, I ask myself,
'What am I here after?'." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Driver's
License
When I went to get my
driver's license renewed, our local Motor Vehicle Bureau was packed. The line
inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his
license. He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was
standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture."
The clerk looked at his picture closely, and reassured him, "It's okay. That's
how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Redneck Lottery Winner
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Mark 17
A minister told his
congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you
understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."
The following Sunday
the minister asked for a show of hands to indicate how many had read Mark 17.
Every hand went up.
The minister smiled
and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on
the sin of lying." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Doctor's Appointment
A guy's wife and kids
all came down with the flu. Upon returning home from the pediatrician's office
with his four kids, he turned his attention to his ailing wife. After preparing
some chicken soup for her, he picked up the phone to call her doctor.
The receptionist
picked up and he related the situation to her. She then told him that the office
was going to be closed for a couple of days, but that his wife could have an
appointment in 3 days.
He went ballistic and
yelled into the phone, "Three days?! The doctor can't see her for three days?!
She could be dead by then!"
Calmly the voice at
the other end of the line replied, "If so, would you please call to cancel the
appointment?" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Legal Ethics
A lawyer is speaking
to his son about ethics.
"Suppose son, that
one day a gentleman comes into my office with a simple question. Upon answering
the man's question, I charge him $100.00. He is outraged at the bill for such a
simple question but agrees to pay. The man reaches in his wallet and grabs a
hundred dollar bill and thrusts the money into my hand. Upon his leaving, I
notice that the man has, in fact, given me two $100.00 bills.
Now the ethical
question: Do I share that money with my partner?" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Cloning
Once there was a mad
scientist who worked by himself in his laboratory. He was so lonely that one
day, he decided to clone himself. Everything worked perfectly, except that the
clone had a very foul mouth. The scientist worked with the clone, but alas, he
could not make the clone clean up his language. He got so tired of the clone's
language that one day he pushed him off the end of a cliff.
A policeman rushed up
to him, and yelled "You are under arrest! You are under arrest!"
"What for?" the mad
scientist asked.
And the policeman's
answer was: For making an obscene clone fall. (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Cockroach
A man was sitting at
home one evening, when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, a 6 foot
tall cockroach was standing there. The cockroach immediately punched him between
the eyes and scampered off.
The next evening, the
man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang again. When he answered the door,
the cockroach was there again. This time, it punched him, kicked him and karate
chopped him before running away.
The third evening,
the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door,
the cockroach was there yet again. It leapt at him and stabbed him several times
before running off. The gravely injured man managed to crawl to the telephone
and summoned an ambulance. He was rushed to intensive care, where they saved his
life. The next morning, the doctor was doing his rounds. He asked the man what
happened, so the man explained about the 6 foot cockroach's attacks, culminating
in the near fatal stabbing.
The doctor thought
for a moment and said, "Yes, there's a nasty bug going around." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Am I Gone
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
And God Looked Upon
God looked at earth
and wanted to know what kind of behavior that was going on. He decided to send
an angel down to Earth to check it out. So he called one of His angels and sent
the angel to Earth for a time.
When he returned, he
told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are not."
God thought for a
moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another
opinion." So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time too.
When the angel
returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true-the Earth is in decline; 95%
are misbehaving and 5% are being good."
God was not pleased.
So He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good, because He wanted to encourage
them. Give them a little something to help them keep going. Do you know what
that E-mail said?
No?
I didn't get one
either. (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Medical Mystery
There was a case in
one hospital's Intensive Care ward where patients always died in the same bed,
on Sunday morning, at about 11 A. M., regardless of their medical condition.
This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with
the supernatural.
No one could solve
the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11 A. M. on Sundays. So a
Worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the
incidents.
The next Sunday
morning, a few minutes before 11 A.M., all doctors and nurses nervously wait
outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all
about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to
ward off the evil spirits.
Just when the clock
struck 11... Pookie Johnson, The part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and
unplugged the life support system so that he could use the vacuum cleaner. (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Law Office
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Capitol Punishment
Mrs. Hunter was
called to serve for jury duty, but asked to be excused because she didn't
believe in capital punishment and didn't want her personal thoughts to prevent
the trial from running its proper course. But the public defender liked her
thoughtfulness and quiet calm, and tried to convince her that she was
appropriate to serve on the jury.
"Madam," he
explained, "this is not a murder trial! It's a simple civil lawsuit. A wife is
bringing this case against her husband because he gambled away the $12,000 he
had promised to use to remodel the kitchen for her birthday."
"Well, okay," agreed
Mrs. Hunter, "I'll serve. I guess I could be wrong about capital punishment
after all." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Automated Flight
It was considered a
great step forward in civil aviation when the first fully automated flight was
ready for its maiden transcontinental journey. Bigwigs of every sort were shown
to their seats and served a champagne cocktail by cyborg hostesses while
hundreds of airline employees waved from the runway. Suddenly, the engine
snapped on and the plane made a perfect takeoff into the cloudless sky.
A silky, mechanical
voice came over the speakers. "Welcome aboard this historical flight, ladies and
gentlemen, and simply press the call button if you would like more champagne to
be served by one of our robot attendants. Even those of you who may have been
anxious about flying in the past can now relax in the knowledge that this flight
is free from the possibility of human error.
Every aspect --
altitude, air pressure, course setting, weather conditions -- is continuously
monitored by state-of-the-art computer circuitry, so virtually nothing can go
wrong... go wrong...go wrong... (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Malboro
Country
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Flower Flag
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
New Computer
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Just My Luck - Junk Mail
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Kids Of Today - A Parody - Or Is
It?
When I was a kid
adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard
things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to
school every morning uphill both ways through year 'round blizzards carrying
their younger siblings on their backs to their one-room schoolhouse where they
maintained a straight-A average despite their full-time after-school job at the
local textile mill where they worked for 35 cents an hour just to help keep
their family from starving to death! And I remember promising myself that when I
grew up there was no way in I was going to lay a bunch of junk like that on kids
about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!
But....
Now that I've reached
the ripe old age of twenty-nine, I can't help but look around and notice the
youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you
live in a Utopia! And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how
good you've got it!
I mean, when I was a
kid we didn't have the Internet--we wanted to know something, we had to go to
the library and look it up ourselves! And there was no email! We had to actually
write somebody a letter, with a pen, and then you had to walk all the way across
the street and put it in the "mailbox". It would take like a week just to get
there!
And there were no
MP3s or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to go to the record store
and shoplift it yourself! Or we had to wait around all day to tape it off the
radio and the DJs usually talked over the beginning of the song and messed it
all up!
We didn't have fancy
things like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they
got a busy signal! And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the
phone rang, you had no idea who it was it could be your boss, your mom, a
collections agent, your ex-girlfriend, you didn't know!!! You just had to pick
it up and take your chances, mister!
And we didn't have
any fancy Sony Playstation videogames with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had
the Atari! With games like "Pong" and "Asteroids" and the graphics really were
bad! Your guy was a little square! You had to use your imagination! And there
were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever! And you
could never win, the game just kept getting harder and faster until you died!
Just like LIFE!
When you went to the
movie theater there no such thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the
same height. A tall guy sat in front of you, to bad! And sure, we had cable
television, but back then that was only like 10 channels and there was no
onscreen menu! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide (read) to find out
what was on!
And there was no
Cartoon Network! You could only get cartoons on Saturday morning, and then only
if your dad didn't kick you out of the house (our Dad's lived with us, too --
talk about constant butt kickings and no trying to buy your affection with
presents, but I digress). Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK
for five crummy hours of cartoons, you spoiled little jerks!
That's exactly what
I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy You're spoiled, I swear!
You guys wouldn't last five minutes back in... 1984! (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Pass With
Care
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Washington D.C. Mugger
Late one night in the
Washington D.C. a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a
well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.
"Give me your money,"
he demanded.
Indignant, the
affluent man replied, "You can't do this - I'm a US Congressman!"
"In that case,"
replied the robber, "give me MY money!" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Every Time A Good Time...
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
2003 Stella Awards
It's time once again
to consider the candidates for the 2003 Stella Awards. The Stella's are named
after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled coffee on herself and successfully
sued McDonalds.
That case inspired
the Stella Awards for the most uniquely successful lawsuits in the United States
for last year. Actually, joint awards should be given to the plaintiff attorneys
and the flaming idiots on the juries who awarded anything at all to these
morons--who deserved NOTHING!!!!
The following are
this year's candidates:
-
Kathleen Robertson
of Austin, Texas, was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking
her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store.
The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict,
considering th! e misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Robertson's son.
-
A 19-year-old Carl
Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran
over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there
was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's
hubcaps.
-
Terrence Dickson of
Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way
of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the
automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't reenter the house
because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it
shut. The family was on vacation, and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the
garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large
bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation
caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed, to the tune of $500,000.
-
Jerry Williams of
Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being
bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a
chain in its owner's fenced yard. The award was less than sought because the
jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr.
Williams who was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.
-
A Philadelphia
restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania,
$113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx! (tailbone).
The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her
boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.
-
Kara Walton of
Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a night club in a
neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and
knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to
sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover
charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.
-
This year's
favorite could easily be Mr. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Mr.
Grazinski purchased a brand new 32- foot Winnebago motor home. On his first
trip home, having driven onto the freeway, he set the cruise control at 70 mph
and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back and make himself a cup of
coffee. Not surprisingly, the RV left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mr.
Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him in the owner's manual that he
couldn't actually do this. The jury awarded him $1,750,000 plus a new motor
home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit,
just in case there were any other complete morons buying their recreation
vehicles. (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Spam Response
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Military Computer
The US has succeeded
in building a super computer able to solve any strategic or tactical problem.
Military leaders are assembled in front of the new machine and instructed to
feed a difficult tactical problem into it. They describe a hypothetical
situation to the computer and then ask the pivotal question: attack or retreat?
The computer hums
away for an hour and then comes up with the answer: YES.
The generals look at
each other, somewhat stupefied.
Finally one of them
submits a second request to the computer: YES WHAT?
Instantly the
computer responded: YES SIR. (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Very Contagious
A man returns from
Africa and is feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately
rushed to the hospital, to undergo a barrage of tests.
The man wakes up
after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone at his bedside
rings.
"This is your doctor.
We've had the results back from your tests and we've found you have an extremely
deadly virus, which is very contagious."
"Oh my gosh," cried
the man, "What are you going to do, doctor?"
"Well we're going to
put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread."
"Will that cure me?"
asked the patient.
The doctor replied,
"Well no, but...it's the only food we can get under the door." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
So Honest
An investment
counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business
kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house
counsel. She began to interview young lawyers.
"As I'm sure you can
understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business
like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward.
"Mr. Harper, are you an 'honest' lawyer?"
"Honest?" replied the
job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that
my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the
minute I tried my very first case."
"Impressive. And what
sort of case was that?"
The lawyer squirmed
in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Venice from a man's point of view
A young lady who had
returned from a tour through Italy with her father informed a friend that he
liked all the Italian cities, but most of all he loved Venice.
"Ah, Venice, to be
sure!" said the friend. "I can readily understand that your father would like
Venice with its gondolas, and St. Markses and Michelangelos."
"Oh, no,' the young
lady interrupted, "it wasn't that. He liked it because he could sit in the hotel
and fish from the window." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Nose
A few years ago a
gentleman who had lost his nose was invited out to tea.
"My dear," said the
old lady of the house to her little daughter, "I want you to be very particular
and make no remarks about Mr. Jenkins' nose.
Gathered around the
table, everything was going well; the child peeped about, looking rather
puzzled, and at last startled the table:
"Ma, why did you tell
me to say nothing about Mr. Jenknis' nose? He doesn't have one!" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Red
Light, Green Light
Two guys in a car
drive right through a red light.
"Man, you just ran
that red light!" exclaimed the passenger.
"Don't worry, my
brother does it all the time," said the driver.
They continue driving
through town and then proceed to drive through another stop light.
"You just ran another
stop light! You're going to get us killed!" screamed the nervous passenger.
"Don't worry, my
brother does it all the time," repeated the driver.
Moments later, they
approached a green light and they came to a halting stop.
"Why are you
stopping?" asked the anxious passenger.
The driver turned and
said, "Because my brother might be coming!" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
