Stackable Watermelons
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Unfinished Picture
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Old
My husband and I both
look very young for our ages. In fact, we've hardly aged a day since we first
laid eyes on each other in college -- at least, that's what we tell each other.
Our children have a way of bringing us crashing back to earth. Recently, my
husband and I were discussing a man who was running for public office.
"He's a Vietnam Vet,"
commented my husband.
"What's that?"
queried our young daughter.
Trying to answer the
question in terms a four-year-old could readily grasp, my husband replied,
"Well, Honey, that means that the man fought in a war that happened when Mommy
and Daddy were little."
Our daughter regarded
us both thoughtfully for a moment, then asked "So, was he a Viking?" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Out Of Gas
A couple of nuns who
were nursing sisters had gone out to the country to minister to an outpatient.
On the way back they were a few miles from home when they ran out of gas. They
were standing beside their car on the shoulder when a truck approached.
Seeing ladies of the
cloth in distress, the driver stopped to offer his help. The nuns explained they
needed some gas. The driver of the truck said he would gladly drain some from
his tank, but he didn't have a bucket or can. One of the nuns dug out a clean
bedpan and asked the driver if he could use it. He said yes, and proceeded to
drain a couple of quarts of gas into the pan. He waved good-bye to the nuns and
left.
The nuns were
carefully pouring the precious fluid into their gas tank when the highway patrol
came by. The trooper stopped and watched for a minute, then he said, "Sisters, I
don't think it will work, but I sure do admire your faith!" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Belly Jump (And
You Thought That You Had Problems!)
From Fun Pile
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Only
True Southerners!
-
1.) Only a true Southerner knows
the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption, and that you don't
"HAVE" them, -- you "PITCH" them.
-
2.) Only a true Southerner knows
how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc. make up "a
mess."
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3.) Only a true Southerner can show
or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."
-
4.) Only a true Southerner knows
exactly how long "directly" is - as in: "Going to town, be back directly."
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5.) All true Southerners, even
babies, know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular
sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl on the middle of the table.
-
6.) All true Southerners know
exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the
concept well.
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7.) Only a true Southerner knows
instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble
is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. (If the
neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana
puddin'!)
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8.) Only true Southerners grow up
knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece." They also
know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.
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9.) Only a true Southerner both
knows and understands the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po'
white trash.
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10.) No true Southerner would ever
assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a
turn.
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11.) A true Southerner knows that "fixin'"
can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.
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12.) Only a true Southerner knows
that the term "booger" can be a resident of the nose, a descriptive, as in
"that ol' booger," a first name or something that jumps out at you in the dark
and scares you senseless.
-
13.) Only true Southerners make
friends while standing in lines. We don't do "queues", we do "lines," and when
we're "in line," we talk to everybody!
-
14.) Put 100 true Southerners in a
room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage.
-
15.) True Southerners never refer
to one person as "y'all."
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16.) True Southerners know grits
come from corn and how to eat them.
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17.) Every true Southerner knows
tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that
redeye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a
breakfast food.
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18.) When you hear someone say,
"Well, I caught myself lookin' .. ," you know you are in the presence of a
genuine Southerner!
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19.) Only true Southerners say
"sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots
of it - we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want
buttermilk.
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20.) A true Southerner knows that
if you are with a couple of friends you, you could be with 2 or 10. The number
doesn't matter.
-
21.) And a true Southerner knows
you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the
freeway. You just say, "Bless her heart" and go your own way. (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Lunch At The Construction Site
Submitted By Karen Savory
An Irishman, a
Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th
floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned
beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm
going to jump off this building." The Mexican opened his lunch box and
exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump
off, too." The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a
bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
The next day the
Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his
death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too. The blonde
guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral the
Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of
corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife
also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't
realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and
stared at the blonde's wife. "Hey, don't look at me," she said, "he makes his
own lunch." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
A LOGIC TEST ( Answers below )
1. How can you
arrange for two people to stand on the same piece of newspaper and yet be unable
to touch each other without stepping off the newspaper.
2. How many 3-cent
stamps are there in a dozen?
3. A rope ladder
hangs over the side of a ship. The rungs are one foot apart and the ladder is 12
feet long. The tide is rising at four inches an hour. How long will it take
before the first four rungs of the ladder are underwater?
4. Which would you
rather have, a trunk full of nickels or a trunk half full of dimes?
5. Steve has three
piles of sand and Mike has four piles of sand. All together, how many do they
have?
6. In which sport are
the shoes made entirely of metal?
7. If the
Vice-President of the United States should die, who would be President?
8. How can you throw
a golf ball with all your might and -- without hitting a wall or any other
obstruction -- have the ball stop and come right back to you?
9. According to most
state laws, the attempt to commit a certain crime is punishable, but actually
committing the crime is not. What is the crime?
10. Find the English
word that can be formed from all these letters: PNLLEEEESSSSS
**************************************************
Answers:
1. Slide the
newspaper half way under a closed door and ask the two people to stand on the
bit of newspaper on their side of the door.
2. There are twelve
(not four).
3. Actually, the
ladder will rise with the ship!
4. Dimes are smaller
than nickels, so choose the dimes!
5. If they put them
all together, there will be one pile.
6. Horse racing.
7. The President.
8. Throw the ball
straight up.
9. Suicide
10. Sleeplessness (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Star Struck
In 1990 a woman
entered a Haagen-Dazs in the Kansas City Plaza for an ice-cream cone. While she
was ordering, another customer entered the store. She placed her order, turned
and found herself face to face with Paul Newman. He was in town filming a movie.
His blue eyes made her knees buckle. She finished paying and quickly walked out
of the store, her heart still pounding.
Gaining her composure
she suddenly realized she didn't have her cone; she turned to go back in.
At the door she again
came face-to-face with Paul Newman who was coming out. He said to her, "Are you
looking for your ice-cream cone?" Unable to utter a word she nodded yes.
"You put it in your
purse with your change." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Choir Practice
Joe's wife likes to
sing. She decided to join the church choir. From time to time she would practice
while she was in the kitchen preparing dinner. Whenever she would start in on a
song, Joe would head outside to the porch.
His wife, with hurt
feelings, said, "What's the matter, Joe? Don't you like my singing?"
Joe replied, "Honey,
I love your singing, but I just want to make sure the neighbors know I'm not
beating you." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Catch &
Release
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Memory Test
Three old men are at
the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first old man, "What is
three times three?" "274" was his reply.
The doctor worriedly
says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?"
"Tuesday" replies the
second man.
The doctor sadly says
to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three"?
"Nine" says the third
man.
"That's great!"
exclaims the doctor. "How did you get that"?
"Jeez, Doc, it's
pretty simple," says the third man. "I just subtracted 274 from Tuesday." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Late For Work
One winter morning,
an employee explained why he had shown up for work 45 minutes late.
"It was so slippery
out that for every step I took ahead, I slipped back two."
The boss eyed him
suspiciously. "Oh, yeah? Then how you ever get here?"
"I finally gave up,"
he said, "and started for home." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Geography Lesson
Secretary Of State
Colin Powell was recently approached by an Iraqi newspaper reporter and
accusingly asked, "Isn't it true that only 13 percent of young Americans can
locate Iraq on a map?"
Secretary Powell
stopped, turned, and stated "Yes, it's true. But, unfortunately for you, all 13
percent are United States Marines." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
More Bad
Parking
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No One Home
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Pet Raccoon
A guy brings a
raccoon home and tells his wife it's a pet. She asks, "Where are you going to
keep it?"
He replies, "In the
bedroom."
"But what about that
horrible nasty smell?", she asks.
"I got used to you,
I'm sure he will too!" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Course Credit
Back in those days,
it was required that in order for a student to receive credit for a particular
course, a card (listing of his/her courses) had to be signed by the
instructor/lecturer. It was, at the time, policy that students attend their
courses. But depending on the size of the class, it was often quite possible to
receive credit, even after not attending the class regularly. Not so, with this
physics professor...if he didn't recognize you, you would have to repeat the
course (& attend!). On one occasion, a student handed his card to be signed. The
professor looked at the name, then at the student, and said, "I've never seen
you in my class," and handed back the card.
Now being a science
student, he naturally thought quickly, and proceeded to the end of the line.
When he was at the front again, he handed his card to the prof. The prof looked
at the name, then at the student, and said, "You look familiar. OK," and signed
the card. (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Shoplifters
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Cat Boss
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Think Twice
"I'll bet you have to
think twice before you leave your wife alone at night," one man said to the
other.
"I'll say." replied
the second, "First, I have to think up a reason for going out. Second, I have to
think up why she can't go with me." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Domestic Bliss
A couple was
celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had
long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to
the secret of their long and happy marriage.
"Well, it dates back
to our honeymoon," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a
trip down to the bottom on the canyon by pack mule.
We hadn't gone too
far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife quietly said, 'That's once.'
We proceeded a little
further and the mule stumbled again.
Once more my wife
quietly said, 'That's twice.'
We hadn't gone a
half-mile when the mule stumbled the third time.
My wife quietly
removed a revolver from her pocket and shot the mule dead.
I started to protest
over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said, 'That's
once.'" (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Shopping
A blind man walks
into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and
begins swinging the dog over his head.
The manager runs up
to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!!"
The blind man
replies, "Just looking around." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
You Think A Gallon Of Gas Is
Expensive?
Submitted By Loyce
Humphrey
This Makes one think,
and puts things in perspective.
-
Diet Snapple 16 oz
$1.29 ......... $10.32 per gallon
-
Lipton Ice Tea 16
oz $1.19 ......... $ 9.52 per gallon
-
Gatorade 20 oz
$1.59 ............ $10.17 per gallon
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Ocean Spray 16 oz
$1.25 ........ $10.00 per gallon
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Brake Fluid 12 oz
$3.15 ........... $33.60 per gallon
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Vick's Nyquil 6 oz
$8.35 ......... $178.13 per gallon
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Pepto Bismol 4 oz
$3.85 .......... $123.20 per gallon
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Whiteout 7 oz $1.39
................. $25.42 per gallon
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Scope 1.5 oz $0.99
................... $84.48 per gallon
-
And this is the
REAL KICKER...... Evian water 9 oz for $1.49 ........ $21.19 per gallon.
$21.19 FOR WATER!
....and the buyers don't even know the source!
Yes, and the name
Evian, is Naive turned around, and the Canadians are selling it by the millions
of gallons to the US.
So, the next time
you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on water, Scope, or Whiteout,
or God forbid, PEPTO BISMOL or NYQUIL!!!! Just a little humor to help ease
the pain of your next trip to the pump...........! (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Shopping Early
It was Christmas and
the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, "What are you charged
with?"
"Doing my Christmas
shopping early your Honor," replied the defendant.
"That's no offence,"
said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"
"Before the store
opened," the prisoner replied. (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Lame Pickup Lines
-
Can I borrow a
quarter? ["What for?"] I want to call my mom and tell her that I've just met
the girl/guy of my dreams. (OR) I want to call your mom and thank her.
-
Is your dad a
thief? ["No"] Then how did he steal the sparkle of the stars and put it in
your eyes?
-
You must be tired.
["Why?"] You were running through my dreams all night.
-
Your dad must've
been a baker, cuz you have nice buns. (Hehehe..........hafta have guts to use
that one..........=)
-
[Look at his/her
shirt tag. When they say, "What're you doing?"] Checking to see if you were
made in heaven.
-
All those curves,
and me with no brakes.........(Heheh, another gutsy one.........=).
-
Is it hot in here?
Or is it just you?
-
Can you give me
directions? ["To where?"] Your heart.
-
If I could
rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together. (AWWW!!! Ain't that sooo
sweet?)
-
I lost my phone
number, can I have yours?
-
I hope you know
CPR, cuz you take my breath away. (Hehehe, yeah sure. This one DEFINITELY
applies to the Hanson bros......dontcha think?)
-
What you do is walk
up to girl/guy sitting and ask: "Do you believe in love at first sight or
should I walk by again?"
-
"Don't I know you?
Of course -- you're the girl with the beautiful smile!" (Timing is very
important here!)
-
"I know milk does a
body good, but wow - how much have you been drinking?" (Better if she is
actually drinking milk. This also works on men.)
-
"Are those your
real teeth? My... they're shiny." (for men over 50)
-
In a grocery store:
"You could save a lot on grocery bills this month if you'd have dinner with
me..."
-
Ask a girl where
she is from and when she replies some place your response is 'Oh, I could have
sworn you were from paradise.'
-
If I could be
anything I'd be a tear cause I'd be born in your eyes live on your cheeks and
die at your lips...
-
Do u lick your
lips? (if they say yes tell them to say no) can I ?
-
If I were an artist
you would be my brush of choice because you're so fine.
-
Man: (pick up a
Dark Colored Feather, off the ground, and walk over to a Woman/girl that you
like) Excuse me, Is This yours? Woman: *strange look* no.. Man: (Look at
Feather, than back at her) you sure? Woman: Yeah... Man: (do something that
signals Duh!) That's Right your wings are a lighter color, sorry.
-
Do u have a map
cause I'm looking into your eye's and I'm so lost.
-
"Did that hurt?"
(they usually say "What?" you reply with) "When you fell from Heaven?"
-
I must have fallen
and gone to heaven cuz there is an angel sitting right in front of me
-
Is your life good
(whatever they say doesn't matter) cuz my life is GREAT (if they ask why say)
cuz your in it.
-
Do I look like a
grocery item to you? I see you checking me out...
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