First Kiss
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New Transportation
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Lawyer Love
A guy wanders
into the local post office sees a middle-aged, balding man standing at the
counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with
lots of little hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle
and starts spraying the scent all over them.
His curiosity
getting the better of him, he approaches the balding man and asks him what
he's doing. The man says, "Oh, I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards
signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks
the man.
"I'm a divorce
lawyer," the man replies.
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Got
That Mouse
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Bad
Parking
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Legally Blonde
This blonde
decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and
how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her
husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work,
she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The
next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the
task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive
smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on
the floor in a pool of sweat.
He notices that
she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. "Honey, are
you okay?" he asks her. "Yes" she replies. "Then what are you doing?" he
asks. "I wanted to prove to you that not all blonde women are dumb and I
wanted to do it by painting the house." she replies. "Then why are you
wearing a ski jacket over a fur coat?" he asks. "Well," she replies "I was
reading the directions on the paint can and it said.....FOR BEST RESULTS,
PUT ON TWO COATS."
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Sick Of
Work
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Father's Footsteps
I've got a
friend who works as a Doctor. One day, he tells me, he was driving his 3
year old daughter to nursery school.
He had left his
stethoscope in the back seat of his car and on the way there his little
girl picked it up and began playing with it.
"Be still my
heart," thought my friend, "my daughter wants to follow in my
footsteps..."
Then the kid
spoke into the stethoscope... "Welcome to McDonalds, may I take your
order?"
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Real™ Programmers
The typical Real
Programmer lives in front of a computer terminal. The things he has around
him are:
Listings of all programs the Real Programmer has ever worked on, piled in
roughly chronological order on every flat surface in the office.
Some half-dozen or so partly filled cups of cold coffee. Occasionally,
there will be cigarette butts floating in the coffee. In some cases, the
cups will contain Orange Crush.
Unless he is very good, there will be copies of the OSJCL manual and the
Principles of Operation open to some particularly interesting pages.
Taped to the wall is a line-printer Snoopy calender for the year 1969.
Strewn about the floor are several wrappers for peanut butter filled
cheese bars -- the type that are made pre-stale at the bakery so they
can't get any worse while waiting in the vending machine.
Hiding in the top left-hand drawer of the desk is a stash of double-stuff
Oreos for special occasions.
Underneath the Oreos is a flow-charting template, left there by the
previous occupant of the office. (Real Programmers write programs, not
documentation. Leave that to the maintenance people.)
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Photographer
A photographer
from a well know national magazine was assigned to cover the fires at
Yellowstone National Park. The magazine wanted to show some of the heroic
work of the fire fighters as they battled the blaze.
When the
photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was so thick that it
would seriously impede or make it impossible for him to photograph
anything from ground level. He requested permission to rent a plane and
take photos from the air. His request was approved and arrangements were
made. He was told to report to a nearby airport where a plane would be
waiting for him.
He arrived at
the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate. He jumped in with
his bag and shouted, "Let's go!" The pilot swung the little plane into the
wind, and within minutes they were in the air.
The
photographer said, "Fly over the park and make two or three low passes so
I can take some pictures." "Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I am a
photographer," he responded, "and photographers take photographs."
The pilot was
silent for a moment; finally he stammered, "You mean you're not the flight
instructor?"
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Job Security
After being
laid off from five different jobs in four months, Arnold was hired by a
warehouse. One day he lost control of a forklift and drove it off the
loading dock. Surveying the damage, the owner shook his head and said he'd
have to withhold ten percent of Arnold's wages to pay for the repairs.
"How much will it cost?" asked Arnold. "About $4,500," said the owner.
"What a relief!" exclaimed Arnold. 'I've finally got job security!"
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Praying
A couple was
touring the capitol in Washington, DC, and the guide pointed out a tall,
benevolent gentleman as the congressional chaplain.
The lady asked,
"What does the chaplain do? Does he pray for the Senate or House?"
The guide
answered, "No, he gets up, looks at both houses of Congress, then prays
for the country!"
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Crazy!
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Crystal Bowl
Sister Mary Holycard was in her 60s, and much admired for her sweetness
and kindness to all.
One afternoon early in the spring a young priest came to chat, so she
welcomed him into her Victorian parlor.
She then invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young priest noticed a crystal
glass bowl sitting on top of it filled with water, and in the water
floated, a condom.
Well, imagine how shocked and surprised he was. Imagine his curiosity!
Surely, he thought, Sister Mary has flipped or something!
When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. And of course,
the priest tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and the
strange floater; but soon it got the better of him and he could resist no
longer.
"Sister," he said, "I wonder if you could tell me about this?" (pointing
to the crystal bowl)
"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful?"
"I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package. The
directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent
disease. And you know I haven't had a cold all winter!"
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SOTP!
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What She's Thinking
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Another Smart Dog Joke
Two dog owners
were bragging about the intelligence of their pets. "The brightest dog I
ever had," said one, "was a Great Dane that used to play cards. He was a
whiz at poker, but finally a friend complained about him and I had him put
to sleep."
"You had him
put to sleep, a bright dog like that? A dog like that would be worth a
million dollars."
"Had to", he
replied, "Caught him using marked cards."
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Honest
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On The Move
A family had
spent the day moving from their farmhouse into a brand new house in a
development nearby. Very early the next morning, their 3 year-old son ran
in to the parent's bedroom to wake them up.
The mother
dressed him and told him to play in the yard.
About 20
minutes later, he came running back.
"Mommy, Mommy,"
he exclaimed, "Everybody has doorbells - and they all work!"
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Alabama Troopers
Two Alabama
State Troopers were chasing a Camaro east on I-20 toward Georgia. When the
suspect crossed the Georgia line, the first Trooper pulled over quickly.
The rookie Trooper pulled in behind him and said, "Hey sarge, why did you
stop?"
The sarge
replied, "Stupid rookie, he's in Georgia now. They're an hour ahead of us,
so we'll never catch him."
(TOP)
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If Women Controlled The World
(In Pictures)
Submitted by Dave Singer
Men Strike Back!!!
Submitted by Dave Singer
How many men does it take to
open a beer? None. It should be opened - when she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really
bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a
washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet
than men? It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to
stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is
about to say something smart? When she starts a sentence with "A man once
told me..."
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
Why do men fart more than
women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required
pressure.
If your dog is barking at the
back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in
first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
What's worse than a Male
Chauvinist Pig? A woman who won't do what she's told.
I married a Miss Right. I just
didn't know her first name was Always.
Scientists have discovered a
food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding
Cake.
Why do men die before their
wives? They want to.
In the beginning, God created
the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created
Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
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Technology For Country Folk
Submitted by Melissa Stanley
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Family
Album Submitted by Dave Singer
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Big Shock:
Submitted by Dave Singer
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I Gotta
Be Me: Submitted by Dave Singer
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Laziest
Dog: Submitted by Dave Singer
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