Bad
bread facts/National Toast Out® Day
Sent by: Dave Singer
Well, I've done a little research,
and what I've discovered should make anyone think twice before eating that
incredibly mind-boggling oh my God its so dangerous food: Bread!
1. More than 98 percent of convicted
felons are bread eaters.
2. Fully HALF of all children who
grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized
tests.
3. In the 18th century, when virtually
all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than
50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died
in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever and influenza
ravaged whole nations.
4. More than 90 percent of violent
crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.
5. Bread is made from a substance
called "dough." It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough
can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread
than that in one month!
6. Primitive tribal societies that
have no bread exhibit a low occurrence of radiation poisoning, skin cancer,
food poisoning and octogenarians.
7. Bread has been proven to be
addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged
for bread after only two days.
8. Bread is often a "gateway" food
item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut
butter and even cold cuts.
9. Bread has been proven to absorb
water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that
eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive
food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.
10. Newborn babies can choke on
bread.
11. Bread is baked at temperatures
as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult
in less than one minute.
12. Most American bread eaters
are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and
meaningless statistical babbling. (TOP)
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Absurd
Actual Product Warnings
Sent By: Dave Singer
On the "CycleAware" helmet-mounted
mirror: "Remember: Objects in the mirror are actually behind
you."
On a large folding cardboard sunshade
for car windscreens: "Do not attempt to operate vehicle with sunshade
in place."
On a car lock which loops around
both the clutch pedal and the steering wheel: "Warning - Remove lock
before driving."
In the instructions for a Korean
kitchen knife: "Keep out of children."
On a packet of juggling balls:
"This product contains small granules under 3 millimeters. Not suitable
for children under the age of 14 years in Europe or 8 years in the USA."
On a packet of Nytol sleeping tablets:
"Warning: may cause drowsiness."
On a packet of peanuts served on
an internal flight in China (written in both English and Chinese): "Open
packet and eat contents."
On 500g packets of Sainsbury's
peanuts: "Contains nuts."
Seen on a camera: "This camera
only works when there is film inside."
On a bottle of flavored milk drink:
"After opening, keep upright."
On a Rowenta iron: "Warning!
Never iron clothes on the body!"
On a can of windscreen de-icing
spray: "Spray works in sub-zero temperatures."
On a can of insect spray:
"Kills all kinds of insects! Warning: this spray is harmful
to bees."
A different brand of insect spray:
"Kills flies, wasps, mosquitoes, midges, and other flying insects.
Not tested on animals."
On an ocean buoy for determining
the position of submarines: "Protect from seawater."
On a Halloween Batman costume:
"This cape does not give the wearer the ability to fly."
(TOP) (Back
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Copyright
Explained:
Sent By Dave Singer
When you write copy you have the
right to copyright the copy you write, if the copy is right. If however,
your copy falls over, you must right your copy. If you write religious
services you write rite, and have the right to copyright the rite you write.
Very conservative people write right
copy, and have the right to copyright the right copy they write.
A right wing cleric would write right rite, and has the right to copyright
the right rite he has the right to write. His editor has the job
of making the right rite copy right before the copyright can be right.
Should Jim Wright decide to write
right rite, then Wright would write right rite, which Wright has the right
to copyright. Duplicating that rite would copy Wright right rite,
and violate copyright, which Wright would have the right to right.
right? (TOP)
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20
Words That Should Exist
Sent By: Dave Singer
20 Words That Should Exist
1. ACCORDIONATED (ah kor' de on
ay tid) adj. Being able to drive and refold a road map at the same time.
2. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus)
adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with
your toes.
3. AQUALIBRIUM (ak wa lib' re um)
n. The point where the stream of drinking fountain water is at its perfect
height, thus relieving the drinker from (a) having to suck the nozzle,
or (b) squirting her(him)self in the eye (or ear).
4. BURGACIDE (burg' uh side) n.
When a hamburger can't take any more torture and hurls itself through the
grill into the coals.
5. BUZZACKS (buz' aks) n. People
in phone marts who walk around picking up display phones and listening
for dial tones even when they know the phones are not connected.
6. CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet
u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece
of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up,
examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more
chance.
7. DIMP (dimp) n. A person who
insults you in a cheap department store by asking, "Do you work here?"
8. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v.
To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on
it, somehow assuming this will `remove' all the germs.
9. ECNALUBMA (ek na lub' ma) n.
A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rearview mirror.
10. EIFFELITES (eye' ful eyetz)
n. Gangly people sitting in front of you at the movies who, no matter what
direction you lean in, follow suit.
11. ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The
actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.
12. ELECELLERATION (el a cel er
ay' shun) n. The mistaken notion that the more you press an elevator button
the faster it will arrive.
13. FRUST (frust) n. The small
line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing
a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep
it under the rug.
14. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man
gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container
so badly that one has to resort to the `illegal' side.
15. NEONPHANCY (ne on' fan see)
n. A fluorescent light bulb struggling to come to life.
16. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The
waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around
asking diners if they want ground pepper.
17. PETROPHOBIC (pet ro fob' ik)
adj. One who is embarrassed to undress in front of a household pet.
18. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n.
The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling
just as they answer.
19. PUPKUS (pup' kus) n. The moist
residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.
20. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras
tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice
before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.
(TOP) (Back
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Thoughts
On Things #1:
Sent By: Dave Singer
One tequila, two tequila, three
tequila, floor.
Atheism is a nonprophet organization.
I went to a bookstore and asked
the saleswoman, "where's the self-help section?" She said if she
told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If all those psychics know the
winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
Should crematoriums give discounts
for burn victims?
If a mute swears, does his mother
wash his hands with soap?
If someone with multiple personalities
threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors
call what they do "practice?"
When you open a bag of cotton balls,
is the top one meant to be removed?
Where do forest rangers go "to
get away from it all?"
What do you do when you see an
endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can
they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called
a 'walk'?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?
Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell,
is he homeless or naked?
Why don't sheep shrink when it
rains?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the police arrest a mime, do
they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why do they put Braille on the
drive-through bank machines?
How do they get the deer to cross
at that yellow road sign?
Why do they sterilize the needles
for lethal injections?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Is it true that cannibals don't
eat clowns because they taste funny?
What was the best thing before
sliced bread?
I'm not schizophrenic. You
only think we are!
If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?
And whose cruel idea was it to put an "S" in the word "Lisp"?
If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman
around to hear him....Is he still wrong?
What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?
(TOP)
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Sky Diving
Sent By: Dave Singer
A man goes skydiving for the first
time. After listening to the instructor for what seems like days, he is
ready to go. Excited, he jumps out of the airplane. After a bit,
he pulls the ripcord. Nothing happens. He tries again. Still nothing.
He starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute. He pulls that cord.
Nothing happens. He frantically begins pulling both cords, but to
no avail. Suddenly, he looks down and he can't believe his eyes. Another
man is in the air with him, but this guy is going *up*! Just as the
other guy passes by, the skydiver -- by this time scared out of his wits
-- yells, "Hey, do you know anything about skydiving?" The other
guy yells back, "No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?"
(TOP) (Back
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ERASERS:
Sent By: Dave Singer
The rules at a particular university
were such that if the professor were not present in the classroom by 15
minutes past the hour, the class was considered a "walk" and the students
were free to leave -- with no penalties for missing a class. The
rooms were equipped with the type wall clocks which "jumped" ahead each
minute, in a very noticeable fashion. As it were, these clocks were
also not of the most sophisticated construction. Some enterprising student
discovered that if one were to hit the clock with chalkboard erasers, it
would cause the clock to "jump" ahead 1 minute.
So, it became almost daily practice
for these students to take target practice at the clock ( as it would have
it, this particular professor was not the most punctual, and the students
considered him severely "absent-minded"). A few well aimed erasers, and
lo, 15 minutes were passed, and class dismissed itself.
Well, when the day for the next
exam rolled around, the professor strolled into the room, passed out the
exams, and told them "You have 1 hour to complete".
The professor then proceeded to
collect the erasers from around the room, gleefully took aim at the clock.
When he had successfully "jumped" the clock forward 1 hour, he closed the
class and collected the exam papers.
Life does teach some lessons the
hard way. (TOP)
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More
Evidence That This World Is Full Of Complete Idiots
Sent By: Dave Singer
More Evidence That This World Is
Full Of Complete Idiots
--------------------------------------------------------
1. Police in Wichita, Kansas,
arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two
(counterfeit) $16 bills.
2. A man in Johannesburg,
South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding
him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.
3. A company trying to continue
its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at
encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial
Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so
graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush
to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required
seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching
the film.
4. The Chico, California,
City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for
anyone detonating one within city limits.
5. A bus carrying five passengers
was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene,
fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash
injuries and back pain.
6. Swedish business consultant
Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions.
He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to
50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with
the shredder.
7. A convict broke out of
jail in Washington DC, then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend
to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed
to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name
and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen
over the lunch hour.
8. Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania,
interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting
it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed
in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought
the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector"
was working, the suspect confessed.
9. When two service station
attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated
robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the
robber called the police and was arrested.
10. A Los Angeles man who later
said he was "tired of walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a
5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to
a stop. (TOP)
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MORE
WIERDNESS: (Or Helpful Tips To Make Life Simpler) Who Thinks Up these things
anyway! (MAYBE IT IS DAVE!!!)
Sent By: Dave Singer
1. Old telephone books make ideal
personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people
you don't know.
2. Fool other drivers into thinking
you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control
up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the
curb.
3. Lose weight quickly by eating
raw pork and rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea
enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.
4. Avoid parking tickets by leaving
your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car
parked illegally.
5. No time for a bath? Wrap yourself
in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.
6. Apply red nail polish to your
nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on
your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting
polish should be selected).
7. If a person is choking on an
ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat
and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
8. Save on booze by drinking cold
tea instead of whiskey. The following morning you can create the effects
of hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging
your head repeatedly on the wall.
(TOP) (Back
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INFLATION?!
Sent By: Dave Singer
A little boy needed $100 very badly
and his mother told him to pray to God for it. He prayed and prayed for
two weeks, but nothing turned up.
Then he decided to write God a
letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter
addressed to God, they opened it up and decided to send it to the
President.
The President was so impressed,
touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little
boy a check for $5. He thought this would appear to be a lot of money
to the little boy.
The little boy was delighted with
the $5 and sat down to write a thank you letter to God, which read as follows:
Dear God: Thank you very much for
sending me the money. I noticed that you had to send it through Washington.
As usual, those jerks deducted 95%. (TOP)
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God
Advertising?
Sent By: Dave Singer
Recently a Ft. Lauderdale advertising
agency launched a billboard including the inside and outside of buses)
that included 17 different messages "from God". This non-denominational
campaign which was started in September and ends soon was sponsored by
an anonymous client.
1. Let's Meet At My House Sunday
Before the Game - God
2. C'mon Over And Bring The Kids
- God
3. What Part of "Thou Shalt Not..."
Didn't You Understand? - God
4. We Need To Talk - God
5. Keep Using My Name in Vain And
I'll Make Rush Hour last Longer - God
6. Loved The Wedding, Invite
Me To The Marriage - God
7. That "Love Thy Neighbor" Thing
- I Meant It. - God
8. I Love You...I Love You...I
Love You... - God
9. Will The Road You're On Get
You To My Place? - God
10. Follow Me. - God
11. Big Bang Theory - You've Got
To Be Kidding.- God
12. My Way Is The Highway. - God
13. Need Directions? - God
14. You Think It's Hot Here? -
God
15. Tell The Kids I Love Them.
- God
16. Need a Marriage Counselor?
I'm Available. - God
17. Have You Read My #1 Best Seller?
There Will Be A Test. - God (TOP)
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At
The Construction Site
Sent By: Dave Singer
A couple of blond men in a pickup
truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the blond men walked in the office
and said, "We need some four-by-twos."
The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours,
don't you?" The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck.
He returned a minute later and
said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours." "Alright. How long do you need them?"
The customer paused for a minute and said, "Uh... I'd better go check."
After awhile, the blond returned
to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house.
(TOP) (Back
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FIVE
SURGEONS
Sent By: Dave Singer
Five surgeons are discussing who
makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, "I like
to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up,
everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but
you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I
really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical
order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You
know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you
have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than
you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them
all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest
to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and
butt are interchangeable." (TOP)
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Dear
Baby Jesus!
Sent By: Dave Singer
The young son of a Mafia Don asked
his father for a BMX bike, the father refused stating it was much to dangerous,
as a rival Don would knock him of his bike and kill him given half a chance,
creating a gang war. The son explained that he needed the bike as a status
symbol, just as his father needed his big black limo. The father listened
and told the son to go to the family chapel and ask baby Jesus if he could
have a bike, if baby Jesus said yes he would allow him to have one.
The boy went to the chapel and started
to pray, "Dear baby Jesus if I am a good boy for one year can I have a
BMX." Then he thought, I cant be a good boy for a whole year and prayed
again, "Dear baby Jesus if I am a good boy for six months can I have a
BMX." Again he realized that he could not be good for six months
and rephrased the prayer--"Dear baby Jesus if I am a good boy for one week
can I have a BMX."
He thought to himself I cant be
good for one day so what can I do, and on looking up saw a statue of the
Virgin Mary, he picked up the statue and carried into his bedroom and locked
it in a cupboard. Sitting down at his writing desk he started to compose
a letter--"Dear baby Jesus, if you want to see your mother again.........."
(TOP) (Back
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Lincoln
/ Kennedy? Hummm.
Sent By: Dave Singer
Even if you think if you heard this
before, it pays to read this to the end...
A little something they never taught
us in school. Consider this...And remember that it's ALL COMPLETELY TRUE...
Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress
in 1846. John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President
in 1860. John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
The names Lincoln and Kennedy each
contain seven letters.
Both were particularly concerned
with civil rights. Both wives lost their children while living in the White
House.
Both Presidents were shot on a
Friday. Both were shot in the head.
Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.
Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners.
Both successors were named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln,
was born in 1808. Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated
Lincoln, was born in 1839. Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy,
was born in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their
three names. Both names comprise fifteen letters.
Booth ran from the theatre and
was caught in a warehouse. Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in
a theatre.
Booth and Oswald were both assassinated
before their trials.
And here's the kicker: A week before
Lincoln was shot he was in Monroe, Maryland. A week before Kennedy was
shot he was in Marilyn Monroe.
Spooky isn't it?
(TOP) (Back
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SIGNS
ON CHURCH PROPERTY
Sent By: Dave Singer
"No God-No Peace. Know God-Know
Peace."
"God so loved the world that He
did not send a committee."
"This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing?"
(U R)
"Forbidden fruit creates many jams."
"In the dark? Follow the Son."
"Running low on faith? Stop in
for a fill-up."
"If you can't sleep, don't count
sheep. Talk to the Shepherd."
"Sign broken. Message inside this
Sunday."
Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!
Try our Sundays. They are better
than Baskin-Robbins.
Searching for a new look? Have
your faith lifted here!
An ad for St. Joseph's Episcopal
has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments
are inscribed & a headline that reads, "For fast, fast, fast relief,
take two tablets."
When the restaurant next to the
Lutheran Church put out a big sign with red letters that said, "Open Sundays,"
the church reciprocated with its own message: "We are open on Sundays,
too."
Have trouble sleeping? We have
sermons--come hear one!
A singing group called "The Resurrection"
was scheduled to sing at a church. When a big snowstorm postponed the performance,
the pastor fixed the outside sign to read, "The Resurrection is postponed."
"People are like tea bags-you have
to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are."
Come in and pray today. Beat the
Christmas
rush!
When down in the mouth, remember
Jonah. He came out allright.
Sign broken. Message inside this
Sunday.
Fight truth decay--study the Bible
daily.
How will you spend eternity--Smoking
or Non-smoking?
Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives
"Come work for the Lord. The work
is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement
benefits are out of this world."
It is unlikely there'll be a reduction
in the wages of sin.
Do not wait for the hearse to takes
you to church.
If you're headed in the wrong direction,
God allows U-turns.
If you don't like the way you were
born, try being born again.
Looking at the way some people
live, they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon."
New added 01/20/01
You are not too bad to come in.
You are not too good to stay out.
Come in and let us prepare you
for your finals.
A miser is a rich pauper.
Ask about our pray-as-you-go plan.
We hold sit-in demonstrations every Sunday.
No matter how much you nurse a grudge it won't get
better.
Start living to beat hell.
If some people lived up to their ideals they would
be stooping.
Everything you always wanted to know about heaven
and hell but were afraid to ask.
Pray up in advance.
Patience is the ability to stand something as long
as it happens to the other fellow.
[At an Arizona church in August] You think it's hot
HERE?
I was going to waste, but Jesus recycled me.
Our arms are the only ones God has to hug His children.
K-mart is not the only saving place.
New
added 10/11/02
CHURCH PARKING -
FOR MEMBERS ONLY! Trespassers will be baptized!
"God only accepts
knee-mail."
(TOP) (Back
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Humor
Tidbits #1:
Sent By: Dave Singer
During his visit to the United States
the Pope met with President Clinton. Instead of just an hour as scheduled,
the meeting went on for two days. Finally, a weary President Clinton emerged
to face the waiting news media. The President was smiling and announced
the summit was a resounding success. He said he and the Pope agreed on
80% of the matters they discussed. Then Mr. Clinton declared he was going
home to the White House to be with his family.
A few minutes later the Pope came
out to make his statement. He looked tired, discouraged and was practically
in tears. Sadly he announced his meeting with the President was a failure.
Incredulous, one reporter asked,
"But your Holiness, President Clinton just announced the summit was a great
success and the two of you agreed on 80% of the items discussed". Exasperated,
the Pope answered, "Yes, but we were talking about the Ten Commandments."
================
A husband was just coming out of
anesthesia after a series of tests in the hospital, and his wife was sitting
at his bedside. His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, "You're
beautiful."
Flattered, she continued her vigil
while he drifted back to sleep.
Later he woke up and said, "You're
cute." "What happened to 'beautiful'?" she asked him.
"The drugs are wearing off," he
replied. (TOP)
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"WHAT
I'VE LEARNED"
Sent By: Dave Singer
I've learned that I like my teacher
because she cries when we sing "Silent Night." Age 6
I've learned that you can't hide
a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. Age 7
I've learned that when I wave to
people in the country, they stop what they are doing and wave back. Age
9
I've learned that just when I get
my room the way I like it, Mom makes me clean it up. Age 13
I've learned that if you want to
cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up. Age 14
I've learned that although it's
hard to admit it, I'm secretly glad my parents are strict with me. Age
15
I've learned that silent company
is often more healing than words of advice. Age 24
I've learned that brushing my child's
hair is one of life's pleasures. Age 26
I've learned that wherever I go,
the world's worst drivers have followed me there. Age 29
I've learned that if someone says
something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it.
Age 39
I've learned that there are people
who love you dearly but just don't know how to show it. Age 41
I've learned that you can make
some one's day by simply sending them a little card. Age 44
I've learned that the greater a
person's sense of guilt, the greater his need to cast blame on others.
Age 46
I've learned that children and
grandparents are natural allies. Age 47
I've learned that singing "Amazing
Grace" can lift my spirits for hours. Age 49
I've learned that motel mattresses
are better on the side away from the phone. Age 50
I've learned that you can tell
a lot about a man by the way he handles these three things: a rainy day,
lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. Age 52
I've learned that keeping a vegetable
garden is worth a medicine cabinet full of pills. Age 52
I've learned that regardless of
your relationship with your parents, you miss them terribly after they
die. Age 53
I've learned that making a living
is not the same thing as making a life. Age 58
I've learned that life sometimes
gives you a second chance Age 62
I've learned that you shouldn't
go through life with a catchers mitt on both hands. You need to be able
to throw something back. Age 64
I've learned that if you pursue
happiness, it will elude you. But if you focus on your family, the needs
of others, your work, meeting new people, and doing the very best you can,
happiness will find you. Age 65
I've learned that whenever I decide
to do something with kindness, I usually make the right decision. Age 68
I've learned that everyone can
use a prayer. Age 72
I've learned that it pays to believe
in miracles. And to tell the truth, I've seen several. Age 73
I've learned that even when I have
pains, I don't have to be one. Age 82
I've learned that every day you
should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch -- holding
hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. Age 85
I've learned that I still have
a lot to learn. Age 92
I've learned that you should pass
this on to someone you care about. Sometimes they just need a little something
to make them smile. (TOP)
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"I
like to dance."
Sent By: Dave Singer
An angel was feeling rather blue
with the uniform sameness of heaven and went to see St. Peter. "All I do,"
the angel said, "is play the harp endlessly, and I'm getting bored."
St. Peter asked, "What would you
rather do?" The angel answered, "I like to dance."
"We don't allow dancing here in
heaven," St. Peter said, "but I can see you need a change so I will allow
you to take advantage of a once-in-an-eternal- lifetime offer. I will allow
you 24 hours leave to return to earth and dance."
"I'm gone," the angel said and
poof! he was back on earth. He quickly found a dance hall, run by
Samuel Frank. Checking his harp and wings, the angel boogied and danced
and had a great time until just seconds remained of the leave. The angel
grabbed up the wings and immediately was in heaven again.
Returning to St. Peter, the angel
said, "I'm back and I am so happy. I'll never feel bored again."
St. Peter said, "That's wonderful,
but where is your musical instrument?"
"Oh, no," the angel said, "I left
my harp in Sam Frank's Disco." (TOP)
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State
Motos:
Sent By: Dave Singer
Alabama: At Least We're not Mississippi
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't be
Wrong!
Arizona: But It's a Dry Heat
Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everthing
California: As Seen on TV
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't
Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts,
Only Dirtier and With Less character
Delaware: We Really Do Like the
Chemicals in our Water
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia: We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki
Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes...
Well Okay, We're Not. But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce
the "S"
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal
Wave Free
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With
Corn
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle
States
Kentucky: Five Million People;
Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not All Drunk
Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
Maine: We're Really Cold, But We
Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland: A Thinking Man's Delaware
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower
Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
Michigan: First Line of Defense
From the Canadians
Minnesota: "10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000
Mosquitoes"
Mississippi: Come Feel Better About
Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief
Tax Dollars at Work
Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the
Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, and Very Little Else
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto
Contest
Nevada: Poker!
New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave
Us Alone
New Jersey: Ya Wanna ##$%##! Motto?
I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent
Pets
New York: You Have the Right to
Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney...
North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable
North Dakota: We Really are One
of the 50 States!
Ohio: At least we're not Michigan!
Oklahoma: Like the Play, only No
Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's
For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY
An Island
South Carolina: Remember the Civil
War? We do.
South Dakota: Closer Than North
Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes,
I speak English)
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than
Your Jesus
Vermont: Yep
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs
and Slackjaw Yokels don't Mix?
Washington: Help! We're Overrun
By Nerds and Slackers!
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family-Really!
Wisconsin: Eat Cheese or Die
Wyoming: Wynot?
(TOP) (Back
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KIDS
LITTLE INSTRUCTIONS ON LIFE
From: "Angels Online humor"
Never trust a dog to watch your
food. -Patrick, Age 10
When you want something expensive,
ask your grandparents. -Matthew, Age 12
Never smart off to a teacher whose
eyes and ears are twitching. -Andrew, Age 9
Wear a hat when feeding seagulls.
-Rocky, Age 9
Sleep in your clothes so you'll
be dressed in the morning. -Stephanie, Age 8
Never try to hide a piece of broccoli
in a glass of milk. -Rosemary, Age 7
Don't flush the john when your
dad's in the shower. -Lamar, Age 10
Never ask for anything that costs
more than five dollars when your parents are doing taxes. -Carol, Age 9
Never bug a pregnant mom. -Nicholas,
Age 11
Don't ever be too full for dessert.
-Kelly, Age 10
When your dad is mad and asks you,
"Do I look stupid?" don't answer him. -Heather, Age 16
Never tell your mom her diet's
not working. -Michael, Age 14
Don't pick on your sister when
she's holding a baseball bat. -Joel, Age 12
When you get a bad grade in school,
show it to your mom when she's on the phone. -Alyesha, Age 13
Never try to baptize a cat. -Laura,
Age 13
Never spit when on a roller coaster.
-Scott, Age 11
Never do pranks at a police station.
-Sam, Age 10
Beware of cafeteria food when it
looks like it's moving. -Rob, Age 10
Never tell your little brother
that you're not going to do what your mom told you to do. -Hank, Age 12
Remember you're never too old to
hold your father's hand. -Molly, Age 11
Listen to your brain. It
has lots of information. -Chelsey, Age 7
Stay away from prunes. -Randy,
Age 9
Never dare your little brother
to paint the family car. -Phillip, Age 13
Forget the cake, go for the icing.
-Cynthia, Age 8
Remember the two places you are
always welcome - church and grandma's house. -Joanne, Age 11
When your Mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair
If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person
Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts, no matter how cute the
underwear is.
(TOP) (Back
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Nativity
Scene
From: "Angels Online humor"
In a small Southern town there was
a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating
it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were
wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason
or explanation, I left. At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked
the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She looked at me like
I was dumber than dirt and said "You darn Yankees never do read the Bible!"
I assured her that I did but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen
in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled
thru some pages and finally jabbed her finer at a passage. Sticking
it in my face she said, "See, it says right here, 'The three wise men came
from afar.'
(TOP) (Back
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"Y2K"
A Matter Of Perspective
From: "Angels Online Humor"
Message from: Rome
January 6, 1 B.C.
Dear Cassius,
Are you still working on the Y zero
K problem? This change from BC to AD is giving us a lot of headaches and
we haven't much time left. I don't know how people will cope with working
the wrong way around. Having been working happily downwards forever, now
we have to start thinking upwards. You would think that someone would
have thought of it earlier and not left it to us to sort out at the last
minute.
I spoke to Caesar the other evening.
He was livid that Julius hadn't done something about it when he was sorting
out the calendar. He said he could see why Brutus turned nasty. We called
in the consulting astrologers, but they simply said that continuing downwards
using minus BC won't work. As usual, the consultants charged a fortune
for doing nothing useful. As for myself, I just can't see the sand in an
hourglass flowing upwards.
We have heard that there are 3 wise
guys in the east working on the problem, but unfortunately they won't arrive
till it's all over. Some say the world will cease to exist at the moment
of transition. Anyway we are continuing to work on this blasted Y zero
K problem and I will send you a parchment if anything further develops.
Vale.
Plutonius
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Holy
Humor Quotes:
From: "Angels Online Humor"
1. Some people are kind, polite
and sweet-spirited -until you try to get into their pew. (George
Goldtrap, Madison, Tenn.)
2. The good Lord didn't create
anything without a purpose, but the fly comes close. (Mark Twain)
3. Most of us spend the first six
days of the week sowing wild oats, then we go to church on Sunday and pray
for a crop failure. ( Fred Allen)
4. Do you know the three times
that most people are in church? When they are hatched, matched and
dispatched. (Lowell B. Yoder, Holland, Ohio)
5. Quit griping about your church,
if it were perfect, you couldn't belong. (Msgr. Joseph P. Dooley, Martins
Creek, Penn.)
If a church wants a better pastor,
it can get one by praying for the one it has. (Rev. Robert E. Harris)
6. A lot of church members who
are singing "Standing On The Promises" are just sitting on the premises.
( Sr. Monique Rysavy )
7. We were called to be witnesses,
not lawyers. (Donna Maddux, Stillwater, Okla.)
8. Every evening I turn my troubles
over to God- He's going to be up all night anyway.
9. I don't know why some people
change churches- what difference does it make which one you stay home from?
(Rev. Denny Brake)
10. If a Savior leaves you as you
are and where you are, from what has He saved you? (Rev. Denny Brake)
11. Young man, the secret of my
success is that at an early age I discovered I was not God. (Oliver
Wendell Holmes, Jr.)
12. If your left hand doesn't
know what your right hand is doing, you should consider running for a job
in Washington.(Anon.)
13. To err is human, to blame it
on somebody else is even more human. (John Nadeau, Medford, Mass.)
14. Some minds are like concrete,
thoroughly mixed up and permanently set. (Rev. Denny Brake )
(TOP) (Back
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A
Seat at the Super Bowl:
From: "Angels Online Humor"
There was a guy who went to the
super bowl, but to his dismay, the ticket he had bought from the scalpers
put him in the very top row in the worst part of the stadium. Early in
the game, he was looking around the stadium with his binoculars (good thing
he had them, or wouldn't have been able to see a thing), and saw an empty
seat just a few rows up on the fifty yard line. He wondered, "who would
be stupid enough to get that great seat at the Super Bowl, and not come?!"
So he decided to go find out and see if the seat was taken. He made the
long trek down to the seat, sat down in it, and began to talk to the man
sitting in the seat beside. "I was looking down from up there," pointing
to his seat up in the nosebleeds," and couldn't help but notice this empty
seat--is it yours?!"
"Well," the man replied, "yes, it
is my seat, and you're welcome to sit there if you would like."
"That is very gracious of you, but
why in the world would you buy this seat, and not bring anyone along with
you?"
"You see", said the man," the seat
you're sitting in was supposed to be for my wife, but she tragically passed
away just a couple of days ago."
"That's terrible, but couldn't you
find anyone--a friend or family member to come as your guest and occupy
this seat?"
"No, they're are all at the funeral."
(TOP) (Back
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Try again!
From: "Angels Online Humor"
Supposedly a true story.
A New Orleans lawyer sought a FHA
loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could
prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral.
The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three
months to track down.
After sending the information to
the FHA, he received the following reply (actual letter):
"Upon review of your letter adjoining
your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by
an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you
have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you
have only cleared title to the proposed collateral back to 1803.
Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the
title back to its origin."
Annoyed, the lawyer responded as
follows (actual letter):
"Your letter regarding title in
Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended
further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware
that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in
the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased by the U.
S. from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application.
For the edification of uninformed
FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U. S. ownership was obtained
from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The
land came into possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year
1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted
the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the then reigning monarch.
Isabella, the good queen, being a pious woman and careful about titles,
almost as much as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing
of the Pope before she sold her jewels to fund Columbus' expedition.
Now the Pope, as I'm sure you know,
is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God and God, it is commonly
accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume
that He also made that part of the world called Louisiana. He, therefore,
would be the owner of origin. I hope ...you find His original claim
to be satisfactory.
Now, may we have our .... loan?"
They got it.
(TOP) (Back
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Soap
& Water:
From: "Angels Online Humor" From Tuck Tellier
A minister was asked to dinner by
one of his parishioners, who he knew was an unkempt housekeeper. When he
sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that
he had ever seen in his life.
"Were these dishes ever washed?"
he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime.
She replied, "They're as clean as
soap and water could get them."
He felt a bit apprehensive, but
blessed the food anyway and started eating. It was really delicious and
he said so, despite the dirty dishes.
When dinner was over, the hostess
took the dishes outside and yelled, "Here Soap! Here Water!"
(TOP) (Back
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For
the Sick:
A little girl was in church with
her mother when she started feeling ill.
"Mommy," she said, "can we leave
now?"
"No" her mother replied.
"Well, I think I have to throw
up!"
"Then go out the front door and
around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush."
After about 60 seconds the little
girl returned to her seat.
Did you throw up?" Mom asked.
"Yes."
"How could you have gone all the
way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?"
"I didn't have to go out of the
church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the
Sick'." (TOP)
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