In
The Beginning:
From Carolyn Johnson
In the
beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth
with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red
vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy
lives.
Then using
God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy
Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And Man
said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some
sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.
And God
created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man
found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and
sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to
size 14.
So God said,
"Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island
Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and
Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then
said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which
to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried
steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and
his cholesterol went through the roof.
God then
created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and
said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it
"Devil's Food."
God then
brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra
pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not
have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried
before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.
Then God
brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with
nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the
starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.
God then gave
lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his
appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double
cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied,
"Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went
into cardiac arrest.
God sighed
and created quadruple bypass surgery.
Then Satan
created HMOs.
! *****
If you don't
send this to five old friends right away there will be five fewer people
laughing in the world.
Is Satan
messing with you???
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The Colors Of The Flag:
A visitor from The
Netherlands was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly
explaining about the red, white and blue in the flag of his country.
"Our flag symbolizes our
taxes," he said.
"We get red when we talk
about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them."
"That's the same with us,"
the American said, "only we see stars, too."
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Double Positive:
A linguistics professor was
lecturing to his class one day.
"In English," he said, "A
double negative forms a positive."
"In some languages, though,"
he continued, "such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative.
However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a
negative."
At that time, a voice from
the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right..."
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Supermarket Bags:
It was very crowded at the
supermarket, and the customer in front of me had a large order.
As the harried looking clerk
lifted the final bag for her, its bottom gave way, sending the contents
crashing to the floor.
Apologizing, the clerk turned
to the customer and said, "I'm sorry, but they just don't make these
bags like they used to."
"You're right," replied the
customer. "That was supposed to happen in my driveway!"
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Bye Bye
Car:
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Dutiful Lifeguard:
A man who'd
never been to the ocean before finally went to the beach for the
experience. Afraid to go into the water, he asked the lifeguard if he
could bring him a bucket of sea water so that he could wet himself a
little. Over a period of two hours, the lifeguard brought over a dozen
buckets. Grateful, the man gave the lifeguard a ten-dollar tip.
Returning the
next day for more sun, the man happened to arrive at low tide. He looked
at the lifeguard and said, "You've been doing a lot of business!"
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Road
Trip?:
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From The Mouth's Of Babes:
When Mary was
pregnant, her 5 year old, Billy, was utterly amazed, and a little bit
disbelieving, that his sister was growing in his mom's tummy. So one day
when the baby was especially active, she asked Billy to place his tiny
hands on her tummy to feel the baby kick. But when he did, the baby was
suddenly still. "Oh, Billy, she must have decided to take a nap,"
shrugged Mary.
"A nap?"
Billy marveled. "You mean there's a bed in there too?"
(TOP)
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Two For One Parking:
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Midlife:
Midlife is
when the growth of the hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty
of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.
Midlife women
no longer have upper arms; we have wingspans. We are no longer women in
sleeveless shirts; we are flying squirrels in drag.
Midlife has
hit when you stand naked in front of the mirror and can see your rear
end without turning around.
Midlife is
when you bounce (a lot), but you don't bounce back. It's more like
splat!
Midlife is
when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream,
"Listen, honey, even the Roman Empire fell, and those things will too!"
Midlife is
when you realize that, if you were a dog, you would need a control top
flea collar.
Midlife is
when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old that you
have to pay someone to look at you naked.
Midlife
brings the wisdom that "life throws you curves" and that you're now
sitting on your biggest ones.
Midlife can
bring out your angry, bitter side. You look at your latte-swilling,
beeper-wearing know-it-all teenager and think, "For this I have stretch
marks?"
Midlife is
when your memory really starts to go: the only thing you still retain is
water.
The good news
about midlife is the glass is still half-full. Of course, the bad news
is that it won't be long before your teeth are floating in it.
You know
you've crossed the midlife threshold when you're in the grocery store
and you hear a Muzak version of "Stairway to Heaven" in the produce
department.
Midlife is
when your 1970's Body-by-Jake now includes Legs-by-Rand McNally (more
red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of the state of
Wisconsin).
Midlife is
when you start to repeat yourself and your chins follow suit.
You become
more reflective in midlife. You start pondering the "big" questions:
what is life, why am I here, and how much Healthy Choice ice cream can I
eat before it's no longer a healthy choice.
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Gotcha
Kitty:
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Just Bring It On:
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Another Stupid Criminal:
When a man
pulled two guns on convenience store clerk Wazir Jiwi and demanded
money, Jiwi asked how much he wanted for one of the guns. He said $100,
which Jiwi paid him. Then Jiwi offered to buy the second gun. The robber
handed it over, grabbed the cash and headed for the exit. But Jiwi had
pushed a button under the counter that automatically locked the door.
"He turned to
me and asked what was going on," Jiwi says. "I told him to bring the
money back and I would let him go. He brought the money back, and I
opened the door."
(TOP)
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The Destroyer Of Worlds:
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Snail
Mail?:
Len and Harry, two postal
workers had just gotten off their routes for the day when Harry saw the
Len step on a snail.
"Why did you step on that
snail, Len?" asked Harry.
"Because that darn snail's
been following me around work all day!"
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Longevity In Marriage:
A couple had been married for
45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and were blessed with 22
grandchildren.
When asked the secret for
staying together all that time, the wife replied, "Many years ago we
made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave had to
take all the kids."
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School Discipline:
A school
teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper
part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all.
On the first
day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself
assigned to the toughest students in school.
Walking
confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as
possible and then busied himself with desk work.
When a strong
breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie
to his chest.
He had no
trouble with discipline that term.
(TOP)
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30 Minute House Cleaning Tips:
You're
getting company in 30 minutes. Your house is a mess. WHAT WILL YOU DO?
Welcome,
ladies and gentlemen, to the first session of Housekeeping Tips for
Regular People. If you're a Martha Stewart type of housekeeper, this
column is NOT for you.
However, for
the rest of you, this is your chance to learn 15 Secret Shortcuts to
Good Housekeeping that your mother never told you.
SECRET TIP 1: DOOR LOCKS
If a room
clearly can't be whipped into shape in 30 days--much less 30
minutes--employ the Locked Door Method of cleaning. Tell anyone who
tries to go in the room that you accidentally locked the door and can't
find the key.
Of course,
the locksmith can't possibly come until tomorrow. CAUTION: It is not
advisable to use this tip for the bathroom.
Time: 2 seconds
SECRET TIP 2: DUCT TAPE
No home
should be without an ample supply. Not only is it handy for plumbing
repairs, but it's a great way to hem drapes, tablecloths, clothes, just
about anything. No muss, no fuss. Time: 2-3
minutes
SECRET TIP 3: OVENS
If you think
ovens are just for baking, think again. Ovens represent at least 9 cubic
feet of hidden storage space, which means they're a great place to shove
dirty dishes, dirty clothes, or just about anything you want to get out
of sight when company's coming. Time: 2
minutes
SECRET TIP 4: CLOTHES DRYERS
Like Secret
Tip 3, except bigger. -> CAUTION: Avoid hiding flammable objects here.
Time: 2.5 minutes
SECRET TIP 5: WASHING MACHINES AND FREEZERS
Like Secret
Tip 4, except even bigger. Time: 3 minutes
SECRET TIP 6: DUST RUFFLES
No bed should
be without one. Devotees of Martha Stewart believe dust ruffles exist to
keep dust out from under a bed or to help coordinate the colorful look
of a bedroom. The rest of us know a dust ruffle's highest and best use
is to hide whatever you've managed to shove under the bed. (Refer to
Secret Tips 3, 4, 5.) Time: 4 minutes
SECRET TIP 7: DUSTING
The
30-Minutes-To-A-Clean-House method says: Never dust under what you can
dust around. Time: 3 minutes
SECRET TIP 8: DISHES
Don't use
them. Use plastic and you won't have to.
Time: 1 minute
SECRET TIP 9: CLOTHES WASHING
This secret
tip is brought to you by an inventive teenager. When this teen's mother
went on a housekeeping strike for a month, the teen discovered you can
extend the life of your underwear by two ...if you turn it wrong side
out and, yes, rerun it.
CAUTION: This tip is recommended only for
teens and those who don't care if they get in a car wreck.
Time: 3 seconds
SECRET TIP 10: IRONING
If an article
of clothing doesn't require a full press and your hair does, a curling
iron is the answer. In between curling your hair, use the hot wand to
iron minor wrinkles out of your clothes. Yes, it really does work, or so
I'm told, by other disciples of the 30-Minutes-To-A-Clean-House
philosophy. Time: 5 minutes (including
curling your hair)
SECRET TIP 11: VACUUMING
Stick to the
middle of the room, which is the only place people look. Don't bother
vacuuming under furniture. It takes way too long and no one looks there
anyway. Time: 5 minutes, entire house; 2
minutes, living room only
SECRET TIP 12: LIGHTING
The key here
is low, low, and lower. It's not only romantic, but bad lighting can
hide a multitude of dirt. Time: 10 seconds
SECRET TIP 13: BED MAKING
Get an
old-fashioned waterbed. No one can tell if those things are made up or
not, saving you, oh, hundreds of seconds over the course of a lifetime.
Time: 0
SECRET TIP 14: SHOWERS, TOILETS, AND SINKS
Forget one
and two. Concentrate on three. Time: 1
minute
SECRET TIP 15: CONCLUSION
If you
already knew at least 10 of these tips, don't even think about inviting
a Martha Stewart type to your home.
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Sign's You Might Be Trailer
Trash:
-
* The
Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your
spouse.
-
* You let
your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of
her kids.
-
* Last
year you hid Easter eggs under cow pies.
-
* You've
been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
-
* You
think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different
night.
-
* Jack
Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People."
-
* You
think Genitalia is an Italian airline.
-
* You
wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
-
* Anyone
in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this!
"
-
* You've
got more than one brother named 'Darryl.'
-
* You
think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
-
* Your
family tree doesn't fork.
-
* Your
wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
-
* You go
to your family reunion looking for a date.
-
* Your
Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
-
* You
think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen,
Start your engines."
-
* You lit
a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its
wheels.
-
* You
take a six-pack cooler to church.
-
* You had
to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.
-
* The
bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much
gas it has in it.
-
* You
have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
-
* One of
your kids was born on a pool table.
-
* Your
dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
-
* You
need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the
House of Tattoos.
-
* You
have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.
-
* Ya
can't get married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a law against it.
-
* You
dated one of your parents' current spouses in high school.
-
* You
think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
-
* Your
school fight song is "Dueling Banjos."
-
* Your
toilet paper has page numbers on it.
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Truth Be Told:
"You are a cheat!" shouted
the attorney to his opponent.
"And you're a liar!" bellowed
the opposition.
Banging his gavel loudly, the
judge interjected, "Now that both attorneys have been identified for the
record, let's get on with the case!"
(TOP)
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No
Breaks Allowed:
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