Remodeling The Kitchen:
Several years
ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well
with the guards and all his fellow inmates.
The warden
saw that, deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for
Andy to learn a trade.
After three
years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local
area.
Often he
would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the
community, and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was
over.
The warden
was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the
work himself, but he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen
cupboards and a large countertop, which he had promised his wife.
So he called
Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him.
However, Andy
refused by telling the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you, but
counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."
(TOP)
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It Takes An Engineer:
A group of
managers were assigned the task of measuring the height of a flagpole.
They got their ladders and tape measures and went out to the flagpole.
However, the
measurement job turned out to be much more difficult than any of them
had expected, with some of them falling off the ladders, some dropping
their tape measures or pencils, and the whole thing had turned into a
big disaster.
After a
while, an engineer happened to walk by and saw what the managers were
attempting to do.
She walked
over, pulled the flagpole out of the ground, and laid it flat on the
ground.
She measured
it from end to end, gave the measurement to one of the managers and then
walked away without saying a word.
After the
engineer was out of sight, one manager turned to another and laughed as
he shook his head. "Now that's just like an engineer! We're looking for
the height and she gives us the length!"
(TOP)
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Tight Fit:
(TOP)
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Annoying Sounds:
During one of
our biology classes at the University of Pennsylvania, a loud buzzing
sound started coming through an air vent. Obviously distracted by the
noise, our professor stopped talking every few minutes and looked up at
the vent. Finally he asked, "Is that noise annoying you as much as me?"
"Oh, no,"
replied a student from the back of the room, "you're not that bad."
(TOP)
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What
Did I Eat?:
(TOP)
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Gotta
Love It:
(TOP)
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Couldn't Afford An RV
(TOP)
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Safe At Home:
A little old
lady was asked by the town banker to open a bank account. She declined,
saying. "I keep my money safe at the house."
The banker
said, "You've got four strapping sons. Don't they try to get at your
bankroll once in a while?"
The woman
said. "I keep it where they won't find it."
"Where would
that be?"
"Under the
soap"
(TOP)
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And You Thought You Had A
Bad Day:
(TOP)
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Hope Is Eternal:
While I was
attending university, I spent three summers as an air- force flight
cadet. In my final year, I taught a class in supply procurement, and a
student would always clean off the blackboard after it was covered with
notes.
When I
started teaching at Washington High School, I eventually gave up trying
to get one of my students to help in the same way.
One day I
stayed after class and filled the entire blackboard with complicated
chemical equations and notes, ready for the next day's lesson. I arrived
in the morning to a beaming eleventh grade class and spotlessly clean
blackboards.
(TOP)
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Mark
The Baby:
(TOP)
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Today's Discipline:
A frustrated
father vented, "When I was a youngster, I was disciplined by being sent
to my room without supper. But in my son's room, he has his own color
TV, telephone, computer, and CD player."
"So what do
you do?" asked his friend.
"I send him
to MY room!" exclaimed the father.
(TOP)
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Wonders:
A grandmother
was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like:
"We used to
skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a
tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in
the woods."
The little
girl was wide- eyed, taking this in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd
gotten to know you sooner!"
(TOP)
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Traveling:
A student was
heading home for the holidays. When she got to the airline counter, she
presented her ticket to Houston. And as she gave the agent her luggage,
she made this remark, "I'd like you to send my green suitcase to Hawaii,
and my red suitcase to London."
The confused
agent said, "I'm sorry, we can't to that."
"Really??? I
am so relieved to hear you say that because,... That's exactly what you
did to my luggage last year!"
(TOP)
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Between Animals:
Two zebras
are talking and one asks the other, "Am I black with white stripes or
white with black stripes?"
The other
replies, "Well I don't know. You should pray to God about that and ask
him."
So that night
he did and God replied, "You are what you are."
The next day
he said to the other zebra, "I still don't understand what I am because
God just said, 'You are what you are.'"
The second
zebra responds, "You must be white with black stripes or else God would
have said, 'Yo is what yo is.'"
(TOP)
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A Bit To Much:
A completely
inebriated man left a bar and was stumbling down the street with one
foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.
A cop pulled
up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."
Our wasted
friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah, buddy,
I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."
Breathing a
sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was
crippled."
(TOP)
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Charity?:
A local
United Way office realized that the organization had never received a
donation from the town's most successful lawyer.
So the person
in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research
shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a
penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in
some way?"
The lawyer
mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research
also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical
bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed,
the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."
The lawyer
interrupts, "Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and
confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken
United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted
again.
"Or that my
sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising
in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The
humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no
idea..."
On a roll,
the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to
them, why should I give any to you?"
(TOP)
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Nap Time:
(TOP)
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Just Supervising:
(TOP)
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Just Set It Free:
If you love
something, set it free.
If it comes
back, it was and always will be yours.
If it never
returns, it was never yours to begin with.
If, however,
it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food,
uses your telephone, takes your money, and never appears to have noticed
that you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it
or gave birth to it!
(TOP)
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Ouch:
A woman came
home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what
looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle.
Intending to
jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy
plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places.
...Until that
moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
(TOP)
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Major Slip Of Tongue:
After Robert,
a woodworker, made my wife and me a pair of knotty- pine headboards, he
and his wife, Alice, came to the house to set them up. Several months
later I spotted Alice in the adjacent line-up at the supermarket. After
exchanging hellos, I thought I'd mention how pleased we were with our
beautiful beds. To my surprise she began to laugh and blush, and several
people in the line were chuckling. Suddenly it hit me: What I had
unthinkingly said was, "I'm really enjoying sleeping in your bed."
(TOP)
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Beauty Makeover:
In dire need
of a beauty make-over, Nancy went to her salon with a fashion magazine
photo of a gorgeous, young, lustrous haired model.
She showed
the stylist the trendy new cut she wanted and settled into the chair as
he began humming a catchy tune and got to work on her hair.
Nancy was
delighted by his cheerful attitude until she recognized the melody.
It was the
theme from, "Mission Impossible."
(TOP)
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School:
Little Jonny
walked into his dad's study while his dad was working on the computer.
"Dad," said
Jonny, "Remember when you told me you'd give me twenty dollars if I
passed my math test?"
Dad nodded.
"Well, the
good news is that I just saved you twenty bucks."
(TOP)
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Dispersing The Crowd:
A young
clergyman, fresh out of seminary, thought it would help him better
understand the fears and temptations his future congregations faced if
he first took a job as a policeman for several months. He passed the
physical examination; then came the oral exam to test his ability to act
quickly and wisely in an emergency.
Among other
questions he was asked, "What would you do to disperse a frenzied
crowd?"
He thought
for a moment and then said, "I would take up a collection."
(TOP)
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One
Ugly Dog:
(TOP)
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Hairy Question:
A little boy
was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking about things.
"Mommy,
mommy, why doesn't daddy have very many hairs on his head?" he asked his
mother.
"He thinks a
lot," replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with such a
diplomatic explanation for her husband's baldness.
Or she was
until her son thought for a second and asked, "So, why do you have so
much hair?"
(TOP)
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