Blooming Chicken:
It was little
Michael's first visit to the country, and feeding the chickens
fascinated him.
Early one
morning, Michael caught his first glimpse of a peacock strutting around
in the yard.
Rushing
indoors excitedly, Michael looked for his grandmother.
"Oh, Granny,"
he exclaimed, "one of the chickens is in bloom!"
(TOP)
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Red Lights:
Two elderly
women were out driving in a large car-both could barely see over the
dashboard.
As they were
cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but
they just went on through.
The woman in
the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I could
have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few
more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red
again and again they went right though.
This time the
woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red
but was really concerned that she was losing it.
She was
getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and
the next intersection to see what was going on.
At the next
intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went
right through.
She turned to
the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through
three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!"
Mildred
turned to her and said "Oh, am I driving?"
(TOP)
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Boat
Surfing:
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Show And Tell:
The
kindergarten teacher asked the students in her class to bring something
related to their families' religions to class the next day.
She asked for
volunteers to show what they had brought to the rest of the class. One
boy came forward and said, "I am Muslim, and this is my prayer rug."
Another child
came forward and said, "I am Jewish, and this is my Star of David."
Another came
forward and said, "I am Catholic, and this is my Rosary."
The last
little boy came forward and said, "I am Southern Baptist, and this is my
Covered Dish."
(TOP)
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Playing To Rough:
A little boy
was playing rough with his dog. His mother said to him, "Now, I know you
love Spot, but you're loving him too much.
How would you
feel if someone huge picked you up and squeezed you so hard you couldn't
breathe?"
The boy
stopped and thought a moment and then said, "I guess I'd feel like it
was my birthday and Aunt Agnes was here!"
(TOP)
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Homework Excuse:
A fifth
grader looked down, so her teacher asked, "What's the problem, Carol? I
hope it's not homework again."
"Well, uh,
yes it is." replied Carol. "I made my homework paper into a paper
airplane."
"Carol, that
wasn't a very bright thing to do," said the teacher, "but this once I'll
let you just unfold the paper and hand it in."
"Oh, but that
won't work," said Carol, looking even sadder. "You see, the plane was
hijacked."
(TOP)
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It's The Pastor:
A woman was
trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the bottle. As she
struggled, the phone rang so she asked her four-year old daughter to
answer the phone.
"It's the
Pastor, Mommy," the child said to her mother.
Then she
added spoke into the receiver. "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to
you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
(TOP)
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Minor Details:
"George is so
forgetful," the sales manager complained to his secretary. "It's a
wonder he can sell anything. I asked him to pick me up some sandwiches
on his way back from lunch, and I'm not sure he'll even remember to come
back."
Just then the
door flew open, and in bounced George.
"You'll never
guess what happened!" he shouted.
"While I was
at lunch, I met Old Man Brown, who hasn't bought anything from us for
five years. Well, we got to talking and he gave me this half-million
dollar order!"
"See," sighed
the sales manager to his secretary. "I told you he'd forget the
sandwiches."
(TOP)
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Terrorists
Targeted:
Officials say terrorists targeted United, American
and Continental airlines.
You know what that means?
Even terrorists won't fly Southwest.
(TOP)
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Fire Dog:
A nursery
school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day
when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire
truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children fell to discussing the dog's
duties.
"They use him
to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No," said
another, "he's just for good luck."
A third child
brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly,
"to find the fire hydrant."
(TOP)
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Faithfulness:
A woman's
husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet
she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned
for her to come nearer.
As she sat by
him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad
times.
When I got
fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were
there.
When I got
shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support.
When my
health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"
"What dear?"
She asked gently.
"I think you
bring me bad luck."
(TOP)
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Sign Of The Times:
I stopped at
a florist shop after work to pick up roses for my wife.
As the clerk
was putting the finishing touches on the bouquet, a young man burst
through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses.
"I'm sorry,"
the clerk said. "This man just ordered our last bunch."
The desperate
customer turned to me and begged, "May I please have those roses?"
"What
happened?" I asked. "Did you forget your wedding anniversary?"
"It's even
worse than that," he confided. "I crashed my wife's hard drive!"
(TOP)
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Book Relationship:
John, for
heaven's sake, why can't you just talk to me once in awhile?" whined
Mari.
"Huh?" John
responded.
"Look around
you!" she yells as she points around the room. "All these books. Your
head is always buried in books. You don't even know I'm alive!"
"Oh. I'm
sorry."
"You know,
sometimes I wish I were a book. Then you'd at least look at me."
"Hmmm," John
mumbled in deep thought, "that's not a bad idea. Then I could take you
to the library every few days and change you for something more
interesting."
(TOP)
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Pretty Nurses:
While
visiting a friend who was in the hospital, I noticed several pretty
nurses, each of whom was wearing a pin designed to look like an apple.
I asked one
nurse what the pin signified.
"Nothing,"
she said with a smile. "It's just to keep the doctors away."
(TOP)
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Camouflaging The Dog:
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Work Quandary:
Statistics
show that American workers work the first three hours of every day just
to pay their taxes.
That must be
why we can't get anything done in the morning.
In the
morning, we're government workers!
(TOP)
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Mapping:
The teacher
of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading.
After
explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher
asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4
minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude...?"
After a
confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."
(TOP)
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It Happened To Fast:
A snail was
moving along the beach when he happened to look back behind him and saw
three turtles wearing leather jackets.
After moving
along for about four weeks, the snail looked back again and saw that the
three turtles were still there and closing in on him. So, the snail
picked up his pace.
After about
six more weeks, the snail looked back again, and saw that the turtles
were still chasing him. And they were getting closer and closer! So, he
kept on going as fast as he could.
After another
few weeks, the turtles finally caught up with the snail and mugged him,
took all of his clothes and the keys to his car.
After another
couple of weeks, the snail got to a pay phone and called the police.
"I've been
mugged by three turtles wearing leather jackets! You need to get down
here and take a report or do something!" he said.
"Can you give
us a description of the turtles?" asked the police officer.
"No, I can't.
It all happened too fast!" cried the snail.
(TOP)
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Our Government:
More
Americans can name the three stooges than the three branches of
government.
Well, that's
because the three stooges are more likely to get something done.
*****************
According to a recent poll, more Americans can
name the seven dwarfs than can name the nine Supreme Court justices.
Strangely, Justice Souter is on both lists.
(TOP)
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Minute Of Your Time:
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Timely Delivery:
It was four
in the morning when Mr. Dartle's phone rang. The voice at the other end
was pleasant and sweet. "I'm Mrs Weber, and I would like to tell you
that the refrigerator I bought in your store works like a charm."
Mr Dartle
said, "Thank you. But why call me about it at four in the morning?"
Mrs. Weber
said, "Because they just delivered it!"
(TOP)
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Scavenger Hunt:
A woman
answered her front door and saw a little boy holding a list.
"Lady," he
explained, "I'm on a scavenger hunt, and I still need three grains of
wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper to earn a
dollar."
"Wow," the
woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging hunt?"
"My
babysitter's boyfriend."
(TOP)
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Just Sentence:
In the
traffic court of a large Midwestern city, a young woman was brought
before the judge to answer for a ticket she received for driving through
a red light.
She explained
to the judge that she was a school teacher and requested an immediate
disposal of her case so she could get to the school on time.
A wild gleam
came into the judge's eyes. "You're a schoolteacher, eh?" he said.
"Madam, I shall realize my lifelong ambition.
I've waited
years to have a schoolteacher in this court. Now sit down at that table
and write 'I will not drive through red lights' 500 times!"
(TOP)
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Prison Block Riot:
The warden,
addressing the three instigators of a failed prison riot, said, "I would
like to know two things.
First: Why
did you revolt?
Second: How
did you get out of your cell?"
One of the
three men stepped forward, "Warden, we rebelled because the food is
awful."
"I see. And
what did you use to break the bars?", the warden asked.
Replied the
spokesman, "Our Toast..."
(TOP)
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Rookie Pitcher:
A rookie
pitcher was struggling at the mound, so the catcher walked out to have a
talk with him.
"I've figured
out your problem," he told the young southpaw. "You always seem to lose
control at the same point in every game."
"When is
that?" asked the kid.
"Right after
the National Anthem."
(TOP)
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Unaware Driver:
"How long
have you been driving without a tail light?" asked the policeman after
pulling over a motorist.
The driver
jumped out, ran to the rear of his car, and gave a long, painful groan.
He seemed so
upset that the cop was moved to ease up on him a bit.
"Come on,
now," he said, "you don't have to take it so hard. It isn't that
serious."
"It isn't?"
cried the motorist. "Then you know what happened to my boat and
trailer?"
(TOP)
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Stretching It:
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