Earrings:
I was
interviewing a jeweler for a story I was writing on giving new life to
old jewelry, and I asked him to tell me about his most memorable client.
"It was a
divorced woman who had me make a pair of earrings from her inscribed
wedding band," he remembered. "One earring read, 'With all,' and the
other, 'my love.'
When I asked
why she had wanted it done that way, she answered, "To remind me that
the next time anyone says that to me, I should let it go in one ear and
out the other."
(TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
Football:
A guy took
his blonde girlfriend to a football game for the first time. Afterwards,
he asked her how she liked the game. "Oh, I really liked it," she said,
"but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25
cents." "What on earth do you mean???" "Well, I saw them flip a coin,
and one team got it, and then, for the rest of the game, all they kept
screaming was: 'Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!'"
(TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
Tire Art:
(TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
Illustration:
Bob Hope once
received an award and graciously gave full credit to his four writers
for making it possible.
The next to
receive the award was Bishop Fulton J. Sheen. He stepped to the mike and
with a grin, he announced, "I also want to thank my four writers -
Mathew, Mark, Luke and John."
(TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
In Flight Food:
Tower:
"Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7." (124.7
would be the radio frequency for Departure Control).
Eastern 702:
"Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure... By the way, after we
lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the
runway."
Tower:
"Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7; did
you copy the report from Eastern?"
Continental
635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff. Roger; and yes, we copied
Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."
(TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
One Ugly Baby:
A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus
driver said, "Wow! That's the ugliest baby I've EVER seen!"
In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an
aisle seat near the rear of the bus. She fumed for a few stops and
started getting really worked up.
The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her
what was wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me!" she fumed.
The man sympathized and said, "Hey! He's a public servant and he
shouldn't say things to insult the passengers."
"You're right!" she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a
piece of my mind."
"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your baby
monkey!"
(TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
Jewish Suffering:
A Hebrew
teacher stood in front of his class and said, "The Jewish people have
observed their 5,759th year as a people..."
"Consider
that the Chinese, for example, have only observed their 4,692nd year as
a people. Now, what does it mean to you?"
After a
moment of silence, a student raised his hand.
"Yes, David,"
the teacher said, "what does it mean?"
David
replied, "It means that the Jews had to suffer without Chinese food for
1,067 years."
(TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
Ultimate Golf Cart:
(TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
Work
Around:
(TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
Hell Freezing Over:
I met an
acquaintance whom I hadn't seen for quite a number of years. I
remembered her as an emphatically single woman after an unpleasant
divorce, but to my surprise she was sporting a new wedding ring. When I
congratulated her, she related an incident from the wedding. Her nephew
had traveled over 1,000 miles to attend. When she told him how delighted
she was that he came, he said, "Auntie, I had to see what it looked like
when hell froze over."
(TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
New Transportation:
(TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
Selling:
The manager
of a ladies' dress shop realized it was time to give one of her sales
clerks a little talking-to.
"Judy, your
figures are well below any of our other salespeople's. In fact, unless
you can improve your record soon, I'm afraid we'll have to let you go."
"I'm sorry,
Ma'am," said a humbled Judy. "Can you give me any advice on how to do
better?"
"Well, there
is an old trick I can tell you about. It sounds silly, but it's worked
for me in the past. Get hold of a dictionary and go through it until you
come to a word that had particular power for you. Memorize it, work it
into your sales pitch whenever it seems appropriate, and you'll be
amazed at the results."
Sure enough,
Judy's sales figures went way up, and at the end of the month, the
manager called her in again and congratulated her. "Did you try my
little trick?" she asked.
Judy nodded.
"It took me a whole weekend to find the right word, but I did:
'fantastic.'"
"'Fantastic.'
What a good word," said the manager encouragingly. "How have you been
using it?"
"Well, my
first customer on Monday was a woman who told me her little girl had
just been accepted at the most exclusive prep school in the city."
I said,
'Fantastic.' She went on to tell me how her daughter always got straight
A's and was the most popular girl in her class, I said 'Fantastic' and
she bought $300 worth of clothing.
My next
customer said she needed a formal dress for the spring ball at the
country club, which she was in charge of. I said 'Fantastic.'
She went on
to tell she had the best figure of anyone on the committee and her
husband makes the most money. I said 'Fantastic' and she not only bought
the designer gown, but hundreds of dollars of other merchandise.
It's been
like that all week: the customers keep boasting, I keep saying
'Fantastic', and they keep buying."
"Excellent
work, Tina," complimented her boss. "Just as a point of interest, what
did you use to say to customers before you discovered your power word?"
Tina
shrugged. "I used to say, "Do I look like I care?"
(TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
Bad Health:
Patient:
"It's been one month since my last visit and I still feel miserable."
Doctor: "Did
you follow the instructions on the medicine I gave you?"
Patient:
"Yes, I did. The bottle said, 'keep tightly closed.'"
(TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
Dealing With Kids:
A blonde
woman complained to her best friend, "The kids driving me nuts. They
give me no rest and I'm pulling my hair out."
"What you
need is a playpen to separate the kids from yourself." her friend
suggested.
So she bought
a playpen. A few days later, her friend called to ask how things were
going.
"Superb! I
can't believe it." The blonde said. "I get in that pen with a good book
and the kids don't bother me one bit!"
(TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
Keyboarding Fun:
For a
computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our
computers were facing away from each other.
A few minutes
into the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our
computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards.
She came back
and started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her face.
She called
the teacher over and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing
would happen.
The teacher
tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor and
quaking red-faced.
I started to
type, "Leave me alone!"
They both
jumped back, silenced. "What the . . . " the teacher said.
I typed, "I
said leave me alone!"
The kid got
real upset. "I didn't do anything to it, I swear!" It was all I could do
to keep from laughing out loud.
The
conversation between them and the computer went on for an amazing five
minutes.
Me: "Don't
touch me!"
Her: "I'm
sorry, I didn't mean to hit your keys that hard."
Me: "Who do
you think you are anyway?!" Etc. Finally, I couldn't contain myself any
longer and fell out of my chair laughing.
After they
had realized what I had done, they both turned beet red.
Funny, I
never got more than a C- in that class.
(TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
Just Not Right:
When I
take a long time, I am slow.
When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough.
When I don't do it, I am lazy.
When my boss doesn't do it, he is too busy.
When I do something without being told, I am trying to be smart.
When my boss does the same, that is initiative.
When I please my boss, I am brown-nosing.
When my boss pleases his boss, he is co-operating.
When I do good, my boss never remembers.
When I do wrong, he never forgets.
When I make a mistake, I am an idiot.
When my boss makes a mistake, he's only human.
When I am out of the office, I am wandering around.
When my boss is out of the office, he's on business.
(TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
Ice Fishing:
It was a cold winter day, when an old man walked
out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing
line and began waiting for a fish to bite.
He was there for almost an hour without even a nibble when a young boy
walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not too far from the old
man and dropped in his fishing line.
It only took about a minute and WHAM! a Largemouth Bass hit his hook and
the boy pulled in the fish.
The old man couldn't believe it but figured it was just luck. But, the
boy dropped in his line and again within just a few minutes pulled in
another one.
This went on and on until finally the old man couldn't take it any more
since he hadn't caught a thing all this time.
He went to the boy and said, "Son, I've been here for over an hour
without even a nibble. You have been here only a few minutes and have
caught about half a dozen fish! How do you do it?"
The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm."
"What was that?" the old man asked.
Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm."
"Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you are saying."
So, the boy spit into his hand and said, "You have to keep the worms
warm!"
(TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
Fishing Trip:
Two new fishermen go on a fishing trip.
They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the
rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune.
The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same
thing happens on the second day, and on the third day.
It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation,
one of the men catches a fish.
As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the
other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost
us fifteen hundred dollars?"
The other guy says, "Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"
(TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
Smart Kid:
A small
boy was looking at the red ripe tomatoes growing in the farmer's garden.
"I'll give you my two pennies for that tomato," said the boy pointing to
a beautiful, large, ripe fruit hanging on the vine.
"No," said the farmer, "I get a dime for a tomato like that one."
The small boy pointed to a smaller green one, "Will you take two pennies
for that one?"
"Yes," replied the farmer, "I'll give you that one for two cents."
"OK," said the lad, sealing the deal by putting the coins in the
farmer's hand, "I'll pick it up in about a week."
(TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
Karate:
Paul was not the brightest guy around. Every day,
when he walked home from work, he would get stopped by three nasty men
and they would beat him up and steal his money.
Finally, Paul decided that it would serve his best interest to walk a
different route, but also take some self-defense classes so this
wouldn't happen again.
He joined a karate class and soon was doing very well with it.
So, one day, on the way home from work, Paul confidently decided to take
his old route home and, sure enough, there they were. He walked up to
them and the battle ensued.
The next afternoon, Paul went to his karate class with a black eye, a
broken nose and a busted lip.
His instructor was shocked and asked for an explanation.
"Well," explained Paul, "I took my old way home last night so I could
beat those guys up who used to steal my money."
His instructor said, "What happened?"
Paul replied, "They jumped me before I could get my socks and shoes
off!"
(TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
Selling A Car:
A blonde
tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it,
because the car had 250,000 miles on it. One day, she told her problem
to a brunette she worked with at a salon.
The brunette
told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but
it's not legal."
"That doesn't
matter," replied the blonde, "if I only can sell the car."
"Okay," said
the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car
repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your
car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your
car."
The following
weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after
that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?"
"No," replied
the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it."
(TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
A Spy
Among Us:
(TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
Bad
Catch Ouch!:
(TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
