Keep
Her Busy:
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Marine Letter Home:
(Now at Camp
Pendleton, San Diego, Marine Corps Recruit Training)
Dear Ma and
Pa:
I am well.
Hope you are too. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer that the Marine
Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up
quick before all of the places are filled.
I was
restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but
I am getting so I like to sleep late.
Tell Walt and
Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some
things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire
to lay... practically nothing.
Men got to
shave but it's not so bad... there's warm water.
Breakfast is
strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but
kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie, and
other regular food.
Tell Walt and
Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their
food plus yours holds you 'til noon when you get fed again. It's no
wonder these city boys can't walk much.
We go on
"route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to
harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A
"route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home.
Then the city
guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The country
is nice but awful flat. The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a
lot. The captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride
around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next
will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for
shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk
head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys
at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You
don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Then we have
what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with
them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy.
It ain't like
fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this
except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him
once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds
and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to
tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join up before other fellers get onto
this setup and come stampeding on in.
Your loving
daughter, Alice
(TOP)
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Cheap Entertainment:
After church
one Sunday morning, a mother commented, "The choir was awful this
morning."
The father
commented, "The sermon was too long."
Their
7-year-old daughter added, "You've got to admit it was a pretty good
show for a dollar."
(TOP)
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Overdue:
A taxpayer
received a strongly worded "second notice" that his taxes were overdue.
Hastening to the collector's office, he paid his bill, saying
apologetically that he had overlooked the first notice.
"Oh,"
confided the collector with a smile, "we don't send out first notices.
We have found that the second notices are more effective."
(TOP)
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Cat TV:
(TOP)
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Birthday Meal:
My son and I
celebrated our mutual birth date by treating each other to dinner. When
we arrived at our favorite restaurant, we were delighted to see a large
sign at the entrance proclaiming that each birthday person, upon
presentation of suitable I.D., was entitled to a free meal. When it was
time to pay the bill, I felt guilty that we were paying for only our
drinks and offered to pay for at least one of the meals. "Not at all!"
our genial maitre d' exclaimed. "That's the deal. But you must have
friends? Other children?" "Well," I replied, "my daughter usually comes
with us on this date to celebrate..."
"There!" he
said. "Bring her next year. She'd be most welcome."
"That's
great!" my son exclaimed. "My twin sister loves prime rib!"
(TOP)
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From The Mouth Of Babes:
Five-year-old
Becky answered the door when the census taker came by. She told the
census taker that her mother was a surgeon and wasn't home because she
was performing an appendectomy.
"My," said
the census taker, "That sure is a big word for such a little girl. Do
you know what it means?"
"I sure do!
Fifteen-hundred bucks, and that doesn't include the anesthesiologist!"
(TOP)
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Humidity:
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Deadly Snake:
It was John's
first camping experience and as soon as he had pitched his tent, he went
for a hike in the woods.
Fifteen
minutes later he rushed back into camp, bruised, bleeding, and limping.
"What
happened?" asked a fellow camper.
"I was chased
by a black snake!" cried the frightened John.
The camper
laughed and retorted, "A black snake isn't deadly."
"Listen,"
groaned John, "If he can make you jump off a fifty-foot cliff, he is!"
(TOP)
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God Will Provide:
A young woman
brings home her fiancée to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother
tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the
fiancée to his study for a talk.
"So what are
your plans?" the father asks the young man.
"I am a Torah
scholar," he replies.
"A Torah
scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to
provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed
to?"
"I will
study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."
"And how will
you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the
father.
"I will
concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for
us."
"And
children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"
"Don't worry,
sir, God will provide," replies the fiancée.
The
conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the
young idealist insists that God will provide. Later, the mother asks,
"How did it go, Honey?"
The father
answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm
God."
(TOP)
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Legal Parrots:
A man goes
into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three
identical-looking parrots on a perch and says, "The parrot on the left
costs $500."
"Why does the
parrot cost so much?" asks the customer.
The owner
says "Well, the parrot knows how to do legal research."
The customer
then asks about the next parrot, to be told that this one costs $1,000
because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how
to write a brief that will win any case.
Naturally,
the increasingly startled customer asks about the third parrot, to be
told that it costs $4,000. Needless to say, this begs the question,
"What can it do?"
To which the
owner replies, "To be honest, I've never seen him do a thing, but the
other two call him 'Senior Partner.'"
(TOP)
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A Legal Defense Made:
A lawyers story.
I always wanted a hopped up muscle car when I was younger. I couldn't
afford one. Now I can, and I have one. It's a '70 Mustang, and her name
is Bessie.
Bessie is the proto-typical juvenile, male-caveman, you know the kind of
car! Chromed engine, dual exhaust, 250 horsepower, big tires.
I'm driving Bessie on Beach Boulevard behind an ancient guy in a beat up
truck. He decides to turn in front of me without a blinker.
I accelerate to swerve and avoid him, and this crazy, over aerobicized
woman jumps in front of my car with her hand up. Meet Ethel, the
neighborhood busybody/nuisance.
She proceeds to yell in my window, "Hey, slow down you idiot." I'm a
well-bred, mellow guy by nature, so I ignore this. As I drive away, she
yells, "Jerk" at me again. Twice!! So I turn around and drive up next to
her.
"Do you have a problem?" I ask.
"Yeah, why are you driving like an idiot?"
"I was driving like an idiot? How, exactly?"
"You were speeding. I watched you."
"You were? I see. How did you measure my speed?" (Ever the interrogator)
"I heard you."
"So, you measured my speed by ear?"
"I can hear."
"How fast did you HEAR me going?"
"Look," she says, "I don't have to take this. Here comes a cop. I'll
wave him down."
THE POLICE? This woman is a trip.
She waves him down, and proceeds to tell him that she observed me
speeding.
"What happened?" he asks.
I told him the story, and told him that I accelerated to an indicated 33
mph (the speed limit is 35) to avoid a collision.
"Are those mufflers legal?" Ethel asks.
She's pushing it. I reply, "I have a C.A.R.B. exemption for them." I
give the paperwork to the cop. She tries to find another thing to screw
me with.
She says, "What about those big tires? They CAN'T be legal."
I began feeling little overheated gears in the back of my head start to
turn. "These tires were available on the 1970 Boss 429," I told the cop,
"Which makes them street legal as a replacement."
Ethel gets angry. She whines, "So you're not going to give out any
tickets to this jerk?" The cop says, "No, I am not."
I've about had it. So I say, "Sir, this woman told you that she left the
street at the corner, and then she met up with my car here. According to
Title 39, pedestrians have to cross the street at a right angle. This
woman admitted she crossed at a 45-degree angle, which is a ticketable
offense."
"What?" The cop looks confused.
"Also, she told you that she walked in front of my car to stop me. A
citizen can't detain someone without probable cause, under Terry v. Ohio
(My new favorite case). Since she couldn't measure my speed, she had no
probable cause to detain me. That is an indictable offense."
The cop says, "But, I didn't see any of this."
"But," I said, "I did, and, as an officer of the Court, I can demand her
arrest. I'll agree to dismiss the Illegal Detention charge, but I want
her cited for not crossing at a right angle and Hazardous Conduct on a
Public Street."
The cop called his Lieutenant, and after the cop told the story, he
authorized the summonses.
She went home with $215.00 worth of traffic tickets, and they are worth
a total of four points against her license, as well as the appropriate
insurance surcharge!
Of course, if she demands a trial I won't prosecute. But the look on her
face as she walked away was more than enough satisfaction for me.
Yeah, I've got a law degree, and I'm not afraid to use it.
(TOP)
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Is
Now The Time?:
(TOP)
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Math Teacher:
Submitted by
Jeff Wylie
NEW YORK - A
public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy
International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in
possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a
calculator.
At a morning
press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez said he believes the
man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He did not identify
the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math
instruction.
"Al-gebra is
a problem for us," Gonzalez said. "They desire solutions by means and
extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute
value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to
themselves as 'unknowns,' but we have determined they belong to a common
denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.
As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to
every triangle.'
'When asked
to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to
have better Weapons of Math Instruction, He would have given us more
fingers and toes." White House aides told reporters they could not
recall a more profound statement ever made by the president.
(TOP)
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Simple Home Remedies:
Submitted by
Jeff Wylie
I've tried
#1,6. It really works.
Amazingly
Simple home Remedies
1. A mouse
trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling
over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
2. If you
have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be
afraid to cough.
3. Clumsy?
Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else
to hold them while you chop away.
4. Avoid
arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using
the sink.
5. For high
blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few
minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a
timer.
6. Have a bad
headache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the
headache.
7. Sometimes,
we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: You only
need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use
the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
(TOP)
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Ironic:
(TOP)
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Home Security That Works:
Submitted by Carolyn Johnson
Home Security Video
(TOP)
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Cleaning The Commode:
Submitted By Carolyn Johnson
1. Put both
lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the
bowl.
2. Pick up
the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one
smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may
need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat
will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come
from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the
toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".
6. Have
someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no
people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand
behind the toilet as far as you can and quickly lift both lids.
8. The cat
will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run
outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the
commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
Sincerely, now look at Whyner The Dog laughing!
(TOP)
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Vegas
Churches:
Submitted By Carolyn Johnson
This may come
as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are
more Catholic churches there than casinos. Not surprisingly, some
worshippers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash
when the basket is passed.
Since they
get chips from so many different casinos, the churches have devised a
method to collect the offerings. The churches send all their collected
chips to a nearby Franciscan Monastery for sorting and then the chips
are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.
This is done by
▼
▼
The Chip Monks. Didn't
see it comin' did ya?!?!
(TOP)
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Abbott and
Costello -- who's on first -- computers
Submitted by
Carolyn Johnson
You have to
be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY
understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who
sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on... for those
who don't, you are too young anyway.
If Bud Abbott
and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's
on first?" might have turned out something like this:
COSTELLO
CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super
Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO:
Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying
a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No,
the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your
computer?
COSTELLO: I
don't own a computer. I want to buy one
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I
told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What
about Windows?
COSTELLO:
Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do
you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I
don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT:
Wallpaper.
COSTELLO:
Never mind the windows I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT:
Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No.
On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track
expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT:
Office.
COSTELLO:
Yeah, for my office; can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I
just did.
COSTELLO: You
just did what?
ABBOTT:
Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You
recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For
my office?
ABBOTT: Yes
COSTELLO: OK,
what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT:
Office.
COSTELLO:
Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I
recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I
already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at
my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO:
What word?
ABBOTT: Word
in Office.
COSTELLO: The
only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The
Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO:
Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The
Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm
going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight
answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?
ABBOTT: Yes,
you want Real One.
COSTELLO:
Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your
business. Just tell me what I need!
ABBOTT: Real
One.
COSTELLO: If
it's a long movie, I also want to watch reels 2, 3 and 4. Can I watch
them?
ABBOTT: Of
course.
COSTELLO:
Great! With what?
ABBOTT: Real
One.
COSTELLO: OK,
I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
ABBOTT: You
click the blue "1".
COSTELLO: I
click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The
blue "1".
COSTELLO: Is
that different from the blue w?
ABBOTT: The
blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.
COSTELLO:
What word?
ABBOTT: The
Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But
there are three words in "office for windows"!
ABBOTT: No,
just one But it's the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It
is?
ABBOTT: Yes,
but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped
out all the other Words out there.
COSTELLO: And
that word is real one?
ABBOTT: Real
One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.
COSTELLO:
STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have
anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT:
Money.
COSTELLO:
That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT:
Money.
COSTELLO: I
need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It
comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO:
What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money
COSTELLO:
Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes.
No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I
get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One
copy.
COSTELLO:
Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT:
Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO:
They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why
not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days
later)........................
ABBOTT: Super
Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How
do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click
on "START".......
(TOP)
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