Philosophy
Submitted By
Carolyn Johnson
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter
how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your
Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your
sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second
person.
4) Never ask
your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't
trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't
sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold
a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't
hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear
polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best
place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising
teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles
don't hurt.
3) Families
are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's
mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing
is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age
is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing up
is mandatory; growing old is optional.
2) Forget the
health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you
fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're
getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that
you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's
frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you
the questions.
6) Time may
be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom
comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You
believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't
believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are
Santa Claus.
4) You look
like Santa Claus.
SUCCESS:
At age 4
success is . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12
success is . having friends.
At age 16
success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 35
success is . having money.
At age 50
success is . . . having money.
At age 70
success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75
success is . having friends.
At age 80
success is . not peeing in your pants.
Always
remember to forget the troubles that pass your way; BUT NEVER forget the
blessings that come each day. Have a wonderful day with many *smiles*
Take the time to live!!! Life is too short.
(TOP)
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White
Lie Cake
Submitted by Carolyn Johnson
Alice was to
bake a cake for the Baptist Church ladies' group bake sale in
Tuscaloosa, but she forgot to do it until the last minute.
She
remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through
cabinets she found an angel food cake mix and quickly made it while
drying her hair, dressing and helping her son Bryan pack up for Scout
camp. But when Alice took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped
flat and the cake was horribly disfigured.
She said, "Oh
dear, there's no time to bake another cake." This cake was so important
to Alice because she did so want to fit in at her new church, and in her
new community of new friends. So, being inventive, she looked around the
house for something to build up the center of the cake. Alice found it
in the bathroom -- a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and then
covered it with icing. Not only did the finished product look beautiful,
it looked perfect!
Before she
left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice
woke her daughter Amanda and gave her some money and specific
instructions to be at the bake sale the minute it opened at 9:30, and to
buy that cake and bring it home.
When the
daughter arrived at the sale, she found that the attractive, perfect
cake had already been sold. Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her
Mom.
Alice was
horrified. She was beside herself. Everyone would know, what would they
think? Oh my, she wailed! She would be ostracized, talked about,
ridiculed. All night Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people
pointing their fingers at her and talking about her behind her back.
The next day,
Alice promised herself that she would try not to think about the cake
and she would attend the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a
friend of a friend and try to have a good time. Alice did not really
want to attend because the hostess was a snob who more than once had
looked down her nose at the fact that Alice was a single parent and not
from the founding families of Tuscaloosa, but having already RSVP'd she
could not think of a believable excuse to stay home. The meal was
elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old South and to Alice's
horror, the CAKE in question was presented for dessert.
Alice felt
the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake, and she started out
of her chair to rush to tell her hostess all about it, but before she
could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said, "What a beautiful cake!"
Alice, who was still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the
hostess (who was a prominent church member) say, "Thank you, I baked it
myself."
Alice smiled
and thought to herself, "GOD is good."
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Choose a Dessert Quiz
Submitted by
The Tate's
Now don't
cheat on this one, go with the first dessert you choose!!! If all of the
desserts listed below were sitting in front of you, which would you
choose (sorry, you can only pick one!) Trust me....this is very
accurate. Pick your dessert, and then look to see what psychiatrists
think about you.
Here are your choices: 1. Angel
Food Cake 2. Brownies 3. Lemon Meringue 4. Vanilla Cake With Chocolate
Icing 5. Strawberry Short Cake 6. Chocolate on Chocolate 7. Ice Cream 8.
Carrot Cake
No, you can't change your mind once you scroll down,
so think carefully what your choice will be..............
OK - Now that you've made your choice this is what
the research says about you...
SCROLL DOWN---No Cheating
1. ANGEL FOOD CAKE --
Sweet, loving, cuddly. You love all warm and fuzzy items. A little nutty
at times. Sometimes you need an ice cream cone at the end of the day.
Others perceive you as being childlike and immature at times.
2. BROWNIES -- You are
adventurous, love new ideas, and are a champion of underdogs and a
slayer of dragons. When tempers flare up you whip out your saber. You
are always the oddball with a unique sense of humor and direction. You
tend to be very loyal.
3. LEMON MERINGUE --
Smooth, sexy, & articulate with your hands, you are an excellent
after-dinner speaker and a good teacher. But don't try to walk and chew
gum at the same time. A bit of a diva at times, but you have many
friends.
4. VANILLA CAKE WITH CHOCOLATE
ICING -- Fun-loving, sassy, humorous, not very grounded in life;
very indecisive and lack motivation. Everyone enjoys being around you,
but you are a practical joker. Others should be cautious in making you
mad. However, you are a friend for life
5. STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE
-- Romantic, warm, loving. You care about other people, can be counted
on in a pinch and expect the same in return. Intuitively keen. Can be
very emotional.
6. CHOCOLATE ON CHOCOLATE
-- Sexy; always ready to give and receive. Very creative, adventurous,
ambitious, and passionate. You can appear to have a cold exterior but
are warm on the inside. Not afraid to take chances. Will not settle for
anything average in life. Love to laugh.
7. ICE CREAM -- You like
sports, whether it be baseball, football, basketball, or soccer. If you
could, you would like to participate, but you enjoy watching sports. You
don't like to give up the remote control. You tend to be self-centered
and high maintenance.
8. CARROT CAKE -- You
are a very fun loving person, who likes to laugh. You are fun to be
with. People like to hang out with you. You are a very warm hearted
person and a little quirky at times. You have many loyal friends.
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Murphy's Lesser Known Laws
Submitted by The Tate's
1. Light
travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until
you hear them speak.
2. He who
laughs last, thinks slowest.
3. Change is
inevitable, except from a vending machine.
4. Those who
live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
5. Nothing is
foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
6. The
50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something
right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
7. If you
lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid
enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the
fog.
8. If the
shoe fits, get another one just like it.
9. The things
that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got
there first.
10. Give a
man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will
sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
11. A
flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
12. The
shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
13. A fine is
a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
14. When you
go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who
weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
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Dogs Welcome
Submitted by
The Tate's
"Dogs
Welcome" A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he
planned to visit on his vacation.
He wrote: I
would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and
very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my
room with me at night?"
An immediate
reply came from the hotel owner, who wrote:
"I've been
operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a
dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've
never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and
disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes,
indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for
you, you're welcome to stay here, too."
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The
Hormone Guide
Submitted by The Tate's
Women
will understand this and the men should memorize it!
Every woman
knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open
his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands! This is a handy guide
that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every
husband, boyfriend, co-worker or significant other!
|
Dangerous: |
Safer: |
Safest: |
Ultra
Safe: |
|
What's for dinner? |
Can
I help you with dinner? |
Where would you like to go for dinner? |
Yes
Dear, anything for you. |
| Are
you wearing that? |
Wow,
you sure look good in brown! |
WOW!
Look at you! |
Yes Dear, anything for you. |
| What
are you so worked up about? |
Could we be overreacting? |
Here's my paycheck. |
Yes Dear, anything for you. |
|
Should you be eating that? |
You
know, there are a lot of apples left. |
Can
I get you a piece of chocolate with that? |
Yes Dear, anything for you. |
| What
did you DO all day? |
I
hope you didn't over-do it today. |
I've
always loved you in that robe! |
Yes Dear, anything for you. |
13 Things PMS Stands For:
1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweat pants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff
and my favorite one.
13. Potential Murder Suspect
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Figure It
Submitted by The Tate's
This will drive you crazy!
WHERE DOES THE EXTRA MAN COME FROM? don't ask me; I haven't figured it
out yet, that's why I sent it to you.
Count them and wait! Then
count them again after they move!!!
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KNOW YOUR STATE MOTTO
Submitted by
THE Tate's
Alabama: Yes, We Have Electricity.
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
Arizona: Yes, But It's A Dry Heat.
Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everythang.
California: By 30, Our Women Have More
Plastic Than Your Honda.
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother.
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, only
smaller.
Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals
In Our Water.
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grand kids And
Our Voting Skills.
Georgia: We Put The Fun In Fundamentalist
Extremism.
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Lee ki Toru
(Death To Mainland Scum, Leave Your Money)
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes... Well,
Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois: Please, Don't Pronounce the "S"
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last
Names
Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos,
But That's Our Tourism Campaign.
Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap
Lobster
Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax
It
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than
Sweden 's And Our Senators Are More Corrupt.
Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The
Canadians
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes... And 10 Zillion
Mosquitoes
Mississippi: Come visit And Feel Better
About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax
Dollars At Work
Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The
Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, and Honest Elections.
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Hookers and Poker
New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got
Yer ##$%##! Motto Right here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York: You Have The Right To Remain
Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney... And No Right To Self
Defense.
North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable
North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50
States
Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan
Oklahoma: Like The Play, But No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For
Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina: Remember The Civil War?
Well, We Didn't Actually Surrender Yet
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: Home of the Al Gore Invention
Museum .
Texas: Se Hable Ingles
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont: Too liberal for the Kennedys
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And
Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington: Our Governor can out-fraud your
Governor
West Virginia: One Big Happy
Family...Really
Wisconsin: Come Cut the Cheese
Wyoming: Where Men Are Men... And The Sheep
Are Scared (Also Home of Broke Back Mountain )
The District of Columbia: The Work-Free
Drug Place
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The
Washcloth
Submitted by The Tate's
Ladies this
has to be read, laughed at and passed on. There is not a woman alive
today who won't crack up over this!
I was due for
an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week.
Early one
morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I
had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed
everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45am. The
trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to
spare.
As most women
do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such
visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort.
So, I rushed
upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next
to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I
was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket,
donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.
I was in the
waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the
procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at
the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some
other place a million miles away. I was a little surprised when the
doctor said, "My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't
we?"
I didn't
respond.
After the
appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the
day was normal ... Some shopping, cleaning, cooking.
After school
when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the
bathroom, "Mommy, where's my washcloth?" I told her to get another one
from the cupboard. She replied, "No, I need the one that was here by the
sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it."
Never going
back to that doctor. Ever.
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Poor ED
Submitted by The Tate's
Ed was in
trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway
that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"
The next
morning Ed got up early and left for work . When his wife woke up, she
looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift wrapped in
the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran
out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it
and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Ed has been
missing since Friday.
(TOP)
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Spelling to get into Heaven
Submitted by
The Tate's
A woman
arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to
greet her, she peeked through the gates.
She saw a
beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the
other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and
began calling greetings to her "Hello - How are you! We've been waiting
for you! Good to see you."
When Saint
Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place!
How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?"
the woman asked. "Love."
The woman
correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About a year
later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of
Heaven for him that day.
While the
woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm
surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"
"Oh, I've
been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married
the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And
then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I
lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all
around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing
today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I
get in?"
"You have to
spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word?"
her husband asked.
"Czechoslovakia."
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Toilets from all over the
world
Submitted by The Tate's
Some are really weird (Click
on image to enlarge)
This is ONE Awesome Water Closet: Awesome toilet! This is a picture
of a public toilet in Houston:
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