Kids
Say the Darndest Things:
Sent by Dave Singer
A little boy opened the big and
old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned
them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and
looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed
in between the pages. "Momma, look what I found," the boy called out. "What
have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young
boy's voice, he answered: "I think it's Adam's suit!"
**********************************
The preacher was wired for sound
with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform,
jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound
up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several
circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother
and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"
********************************
Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old
brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked
out loud. Finally, his big sister had enough. "You're not supposed to talk
out loud in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed
to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the
door? They're hushers."
**********************************
The kindergarten teacher was showing
her class an encyclopedia page picturing several national flags. She pointed
to the American flag and asked, "What flag is this?" A little girl called
out, "That's the flag of our country." "Very good," the teacher said. "And
what is the name of our country?" 'Tis of thee," the girl said confidently.
*****************************
After putting her children to bed,
a mother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash
her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious,
her patience grew thin. At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed
into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left
the room, she heard her three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who
was that?"
*******************************
Two little boys were visiting their
grandfather, and he took them to a restaurant for lunch. They couldn't
make up their minds about what they wanted to eat. Finally the grandfather
grinned at the server and said, "Just bring them bread and water." One
of the little boys looked up and quavered, "Can I have ketchup on it?"
*********************************
A new neighbor asked the little
girl next door if she had any brothers and sisters. She replied, "No, I'm
the lonely child."
********************************
A mother was telling her little
girl what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond.
I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard.
We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little
girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd
gotten to know you sooner!"
********************************
My grandson was visiting one day
when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally
polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?" "You're both old,"
he replied.
********************************
A little girl was diligently pounding
away on her father's word processor. She told him she was writing a story.
"What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."
***********************************
I didn't know if my granddaughter
had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out
something and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and always she
was correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed
for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure
out some of these yourself!"
*******************************
A ten-year-old, under the tutelage
of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then
one day she floored her grandmother by asking, "Which Virgin was the mother
of Jesus: the Virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?"
*******************************
A Sunday school class was studying
the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher
asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood
tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife.
************* NEW ONES 09/20/99
**************
One summer evening during a violent
thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was
about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy,
will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave
him a reassuring hug. "I can't, dear," she said. "I have to sleep
in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky
little voice: "The big sissy."
*************************
A mother took her three-year-old
daughter to church for the first time. The church lights were lowered,
and then the choir came down the aisle, carrying lighted candles.
All was quiet until the little one started to sing in a loud voice, Happy
birthday to you, Happy birthday to you...
************************
Nine-year-old Joey was asked by
his mother what he had learned in Sunday School. Well, Mom,
our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission
to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had
his engineers build a pontoon bridge, and all the people walked across
safely. He used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters and call in an
air strike. They sent in bombers to blow up the bridge and all the
Israelites were saved.
"Now, Joey, is that REALLY what
your teacher taught you?" his mother asked. Well, no, Mom, but if
I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!
************************
A child came home from Sunday School
and told his mother that he had learned a new song about a cross-eyed bear
named Gladly. It took his mother a while before she realized that
the hymn was really "Gladly The Cross I'd Bear,"
************************
Finding one of her students making
faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove
the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, "Bobby,
when I was a child, I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze
and I would stay like that." Bobby looked up and replied, "Well,
Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
(TOP) (Back
to Humor Index)
A
Womans Random Thoughts:
Sent by David Singer
1) A friend of mine confused her
valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't
really care.
2) They keep telling us to get
in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I
heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to
the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said,
"listen witch... do it and die."
3) The trouble with some women
is that they get all excited about nothing (and then they marry him.)
4) I read this article that said
the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much, impulse
buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my
idea of a perfect day.
5) I know what Victoria's Secret
is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.
6) "If men can run the world, why
can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start
the day by tying a noose around your neck?"
7) Skinny people irritate me!
Especially when they say things like, "You know sometimes I just forget
to eat." Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name,
and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special
kind of stupid to forget to eat.
8) Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
9) Reason to smile:
Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
10) Women over 50
don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left
them.
11) One of life's
mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 pounds.
12) My mind not
only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
13) The best way to
forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
14) The nice part
about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing,
someone else does.
15) The older you
get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat
are really good friends.
16) Just when I was
used to yesterday, along came today.
17) Sometimes I
think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
18) Amazing! You
hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes! (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
Oreo
Personality Test:
Submitted by Kim Holtzenberg
Oreo Personality Test
Psychologists have discovered that
the manner in which people eat Oreo cookies provides great insight into
their personalities. Choose which method best describes your favorite method
of eating Oreos:
1. The whole thing all at once.
2. One bite at a time
3. Slow and methodical nibbles
examining the results of each bit afterwards.
4. In little feverous nibbles.
5. Dunked in some liquid (milk,
coffee...).
6. Twisted apart, the inside, then
the cookie.
7. Twisted apart, the inside, and
toss the cookie.
8. Just the cookie, not the inside.
9. I just like to lick them, not
eat them.
10. I don't have a favorite way
because I don't like Oreo.
Your Personality:
1. The whole thing: This means
you consume life with abandon, you are fun to be with, exciting, carefree
with some hint of recklessness. You are totally irresponsible. No one should
trust you with their children.
2. One bite at a time: You are
lucky to be one of the 5.4 billion other people who eat their Oreos this
very same way. Just like them, you lack imagination, but that's okay, not
to worry, you're normal.
3. Slow and Methodical: You follow
the rules. You're very tidy and orderly. You're very meticulous in every
detail with every thing you do to the point of being anal retentive and
irritating to others. Stay out of the fast lane if you're only going to
go the speed limit.
4. Feverous Nibbles: Your boss
likes you because you get your work done quickly. You always have a million
things to do and never enough time to do them. Mental breakdowns and suicides
run in your family. Valium and Ritalin would do you good.
5. Dunked: Every one likes you
because you are always up beat. You like to sugar coat unpleasant experiences
and rationalize bad situations into good ones. You are in total denial
about the shambles you call a life. You have a propensity towards narcotic
addiction.
6. Twisted apart, the inside, and
then the cookie: You have a highly curious nature. You take pleasure in
breaking things apart to find out how they work, though not always able
to put them back together, so you destroy all the evidence of your activities.
You deny your involvement when things go wrong. You are a compulsive liar
and exhibit deviant, if not criminal, behavior.
7. Twisted apart, the inside, and
then toss the cookie: You are good at business and take risk that pay off.
You take what you want and throw the rest away. You are greedy, selfish,
mean, and lack feelings for others. You should be ashamed of yourself.
But that's ok, you don't care, you got yours.
8. Just the cookie, not the inside:
You enjoy pain.
9. I just like to lick them, not
eat them Stay away from small furry animals and seek professional medical
help - immediately.
10. I don't have a favorite way,
I don't like Oreo cookies. You probably come from a rich family, and like
to wear nice things, and go to up-scale restaurants. You are particular
and fussy about the things you buy, own, and wear. Things have to be just
right. You like to be pampered. You are a prima donna. There's just no
pleasing you. (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN 2:
While eating out and the bill arrives,
Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20 even though the bill
is only $22.50. None will have anything smaller, and none will admit they
want change back. When girls get the bill out come the calculators.
With money a man will pay $2 for
a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 dollar item she doesn't
want.
In a bathroom a man has 6 items.
A toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from Holiday
Inn. A women has on average 337 items in her bathroom. A man would not
be able to identify most of these Items.
In arguments a woman has the last
word. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
Women love cats. Men say they love
cats, but when women aren't looking men kick cats.
A women worries about the future
until she gets a husband. A husband doesn't worry about the future until
he gets a wife.
A woman will dress up to go shopping,
water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, and read a book.
A man will get dressed up for weddings and funerals.
A successful man is one who makes
more money than his wife can spend. A successful women is one who can find
such a man. (TOP)
(Back
to Humor Index)
THINGS
TO THINK ABOUT:
Submitted by Dave Singer
How do a fool and his money GET
together?
How do you know when it's time
to tune your bagpipes?
What was the best thing before
sliced bread?
Why do they sterilize the needles
for lethal injections?
In a country of free speech, why
are there phone bills?
How come there aren't B batteries?
If the #2 pencil is so popular,
why is it still #2?
How do they get the deer to cross
at that yellow road sign?
If you're in a vehicle going the
speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
Why didn't Noah swat those two
mosquitoes?
Why do tourists go to the tops
of tall buildings and then put money into telescopes so they can see things
on the ground close-up?
Why is it that bullets ricochet
off of Superman's chest, but he ducks when the gun is thrown at him?
When your pet bird sees you reading
the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring
at carpeting?
If it was a three hour cruise,
why did Mrs. Howell have so many clothes with her.
Why is lemon juice mostly artificial
ingredients, but dishwashing soap contains real lemons?
Why buy a product that takes 2000
flushes to get rid of?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't
we clean when we use them?
Why do we put suits in a garment
bag and garments in a suitcase?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside
of the bottle?
What do little birdies see when
they get knocked unconscious?
If, instead of talking to your
plants, you yelled at them, would they still grow, only be troubled and
insecure?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored
cat food?
What should you do when you see
an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does
he become disoriented?
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland
called Holes?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts", and you put your
two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to
begin with.
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person drives
a racecar not called a racist?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.
Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow
that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged,
models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot
more as they get older, then it dawned on me, they're cramming for their
final exam.
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons
and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are
we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures
on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered
the mail?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are
the others here for?
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
No one ever says, "It's only a game", when their team is winning.
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door
went nuts.
If a cow laughed, would milk come out its nose?
Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come
from?
Are
part-time bandleaders semi-conductors?
Can you buy an
entire chess set in a pawn shop?
Daylight savings
time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?
Did Noah keep his
bees in archives?
Do jellyfish get
gas from eating jellybeans? (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
PILLSBURY
DOUGHBOY:
Pillsbury Doughboy Obituary: Veteran
Pillsbury doughboy Pop N. Fresh died yesterday of a severe yeast infection.
He was 71. Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in
recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth,
the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, Chef Boyardee, and
the Hostess Twinkies. The grave site was piled high with flours as longtime
friend Aunt Jemima gave the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who never
knew how much he was kneaded. Fresh rose quickly in show business, but
his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a
very smart cookie wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still,
even as a crusty old man he was a roll model for millions. Fresh is survived
by his second wife. They have two children and another in the oven. The
funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes. (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
BIBLE
QUESTIONS:
Was John the Baptist a Southern
Baptist?
Did Eve have an Adam's Apple?
Do Edomites cause an itch?
Is the Leviathon a race where you
run 26 miles in blue jeans?
Do you get much honey from the
Macabees?
How much does a Pentecost?
How far can a Pharisee?
What makes the virgin Merry?
Was the sermon on the mount delivered
on horseback?
What formula do you use to calculate
the volume of a Sanhedrin?
How much beer can you pour into
a Philistine?
What is par for the Olivet Discourse?
How many cards are in a MelchizeDEK?
Do people in the nation of Cush
have it easy? (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
You
know you're in Texas:
Sent by Dave Singer
You know you're in Texas when:
You no longer associate bridges
(or rivers) with water...
You can say 110 degrees without
fainting...
You eat hot chilies to cool your
mouth off...
You can make instant sun tea...
You learn that a seat belt makes
a pretty good branding iron...
The temperature drops below 95,
you feel a bit chilly...
You discover that in July, it takes
only 2 fingers to drive your car...
You discover that you can get a
sunburn through your car window...
You notice the best parking place
is determined by shade instead of distance...
Hot water now comes out of both
taps...
It's noon in July, kids are on
summer vacation, and not one person is out on the streets...
You actually burn your hand opening
the car door...
You break a sweat the instant you
step outside at 7:30 a.m. before work...
No one would dream of putting vinyl
upholstery in a car or not having air conditioning...
Your biggest bicycle wreck fear
is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook
to death"?...
You realize that asphalt has a
liquid state...
It's so hot in Texas ......
The birds have to use pot holders
to pull worms out of the ground...
The potatoes cook underground and
all you have to do to have lunch is to pull one out and add butter, salt
and pepper....
Farmers are feeding their chickens
crushed ice to keep them from laying hard boiled eggs...
It's so dry in Texas...
the cows are giving evaporated
milk...
the trees are whistlin' for the
dogs...
A sad Texan once prayed, "I wish
it would rain--not so much for me, cuz I've seen it--but for my 7-year-old."
(TOP) (Back
to Humor Index)
Light
Bulbs:
submitted by Sarah
HOW MANY BAPTISTS does it take to
change a light bulb? Change? Who said anything about change?
HOW MANY CALVINISTS does it take
to change a light bulb? None: God has predestined when the light will be
on. Calvinists do not change light bulbs. They simply read the instructions
and pray that their light bulb will be the one that has been chosen to
be changed.
HOW MANY CATHOLICS does it take
to change a light bulb? None: They use candles.
HOW MANY CHARISMATICS does it take
to change a light bulb? Ten: One to change the bulb and nine to pray against
the spirit of darkness.
HOW MANY INDEPENDENT FUNDAMENTALISTS
does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, because any more might result
in too much cooperation.
HOW MANY LIBERALS does it take to
change a light bulb? At least ten, as they need to hold a debate on whether
or not the light bulb exists. Even if they can agree upon the existence
of the light bulb, they still might not change it, to keep from alienating
those who might use other forms of light.
HOW MANY MEMBERS OF AN ESTABLISHED
BIBLE-TEACHING CHURCH THAT IS OVER 20 YEARS OLD does it take to change
a light bulb? One to actually change the bulb, and nine to say how much
they liked the old one.
HOW MANY METHODISTS does it take
to change a light bulb? This statement was issued: "We chose not to make
a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However,
if in your own journey you have found that a light bulb works for you,
that's fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance
about your personal relationship with your light bulb (or light source,
or non-dark resource) and present it next month at our annual light bulb
Sunday service, in which we explore a number of light bulb traditions,
including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life, and tinted-all
of which are equally valid paths to luminescence."
HOW MANY NEO-ORTHODOX does it take
to change a light bulb? No one knows. They can't tell the difference between
light and darkness.
HOW MANY SOUTHERN BAPTISTS does
it take to change a light bulb? At least 109: 7 on the Light Bulb Task
Force Sub-committee, who report to the 12 on the Light Bulb Task Force,
appointed by the 15 on the Trustee Board. The Finance Committee reviews
their recommendation Executive of 5, who place it on the agenda of the
18-member Finance committee. If they approve, they bring a motion to the
27 member Church Board, which appoint another 12-member review committee.
If they recommend that the Church Board proceed, a resolution is brought
to the Congregational Business Meeting. They appoint another 8-member review
committee. If their report to the next Congregational Business Meeting
supports the changing of the light bulb, and the congregation votes in
favor, the responsibility to carry out the light bulb change is passed
on to the Trustee Board, who in turn appoint a 7-member committee to find
the best price on new light bulbs. Their recommendation of which hardware
store has the best buy must then be reviewed by the 23-member Ethics Committee
to make certain that this hardware store has no connections to Disneyland.
They report back to the Trustee Board who then commissions the Trustee
in charge of the janitor to ask him to make the change. By then the janitor
discovers that another light bulb has burned out.
HOW MANY TELEVANGELISTS does it
take to change a light bulb? One: But for the message of light to continue,
send in your donation today.
HOW MANY WORSHIP LEADERS WHO USE
GUITARS does it take to change a light bulb? One: But soon all those around
can warm up to its glowing.
HOW MANY YOUTH PASTORS does it take
to change a light bulb? Youth pastors aren't around long enough for
a light bulb to burn out. (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
Working
KGB:
The phone rings at KGB headquarters.
"Hello?"
"Hello, is this KGB?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor
Yankel Rabinovitz as an enemy of the State. He is hiding undeclared diamonds
in his firewood."
"This will be noted," they reply.
Next day, the KGB goons come over
to Rabinovitz's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept,
chop to pieces every log of wood, find no diamonds, yell at Yankel Rabinovitz
and leave.
The phone rings at Rabinovitz's
house.
"Hello, Yankel! Did the KGB come?"
"Yes."
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yes, they did."
"Okay, now it's your turn to call.
I need my vegetable patch plowed." (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
Driving
In Texas:
Two guys are driving through Texas
and get pulled over by a state trooper. The cop walks up and taps on the
driver's side window. The driver slowly rolls it down, and the trooper
smacks the driver in the head with his night stick.
"Ow!" says the driver "What did
you do that for?"
The trooper says, "Son, you're in
Texas, when I pull you over, you will have you're license ready."
The driver says, "Sorry sir, I'm
not from around here." The trooper writes the guy a ticket and gives him
his license back, then the trooper walks around to the passenger side and
taps on the window. The passenger rolls the window down, and the trooper
smacks him in the head with his nightstick.
"Ow!" says the passenger. "What
the heck was that for?"
The trooper replies "Just making
you're wish come true."
"What in the world does that mean?"
the guy asks.
The trooper says, "Two miles down
the road, you were gonna say, 'I wish that punk would have tried that with
me!" (TOP)
(Back
to Humor Index)
Ten
dollars is ten dollars:
Submitted by Dave Singer
Stumpy and his wife Bertha went
to the state fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Bertha, I'd
like to ride in that there airplane." And every year Bertha would say,
"I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars
is ten dollars."
One year Stumpy and Bertha went
to the fair and Stumpy said, "Bertha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride
that airplane this year I may never get another chance." Bertha replied,
"Stumpy that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is
ten dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said,
"Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you
can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge
you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."
Stumpy and Bertha agreed and up
they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives,
but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not
a word.
They land and the pilot turns to
Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell
out, but you didn't."
Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna
say something when Bertha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars." :)
(TOP) (Back
to Humor Index)
1999
DARWIN NOMINEES: New highs in stupidity....
Submitted by Dave Singer
1) Los Angeles, CA. Ani Saduki,
33, and his brother decided to remove a bees nest from a shed on their
property with the aid of a pineapple. A pineapple is an illegal firecracker
which is the explosive equivalent of one-half stick of dynamite.
They ignited the fuse and retreated
to watch from inside their home, behind a window some 10 feet away from
the hive/shed. The concussion of the explosion shattered the window inwards,
Seriously lacerating Ani. Deciding Mr. Saduki need stitches, the brothers
headed out to go to a nearby hospital. While walking towards their car,
Ani was stung three times by the surviving bees. Unbeknownst to either
brother, Ani was allergic to bee venom, and died of suffocation enroute
to the hospital.
2) Derrick L. Richards, 28, was
charged in April in Minneapolis with third-degree murder in the death of
his beloved cousin, Kenneth E. Richards. According to police, Derrick suggested
a game of Russian roulette and put a semiautomatic pistol (instead of the
more traditional revolver) to Ken's head and fired.
3) Phillipsburg, NJ. An unidentified
29 year old male choked to death on a sequined pastie he had orally removed
from an exotic dancer at a local establishment. "I didn't think he was
going to eat it," the dancer identified only as "Ginger" said, adding "He
was really drunk."
4) In February, according to police
in Windsor, Ont., Daniel Kolta, 27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on
collision, thus earning a tie in the game of chicken they were playing
with their snowmobiles.
5) MOSCOW, Russia-A drunk security
man asked a colleague at the Moscow bank they were guarding to stab his
bulletproof vest to see if it would protect him against a knife attack.
It didn't, and the 25-year-old guard died of a heart wound.
6) In France, Jacques LeFevrier
left nothing to chance when he decided to commit suicide. He stood at the
top of a tall cliff and tied a noose around his neck. He tied the other
end of the rope to a large rock. He drank some poison and set fire to his
clothes. He even tried to shoot himself at the last moment. He jumped and
fired the pistol. The bullet missed him completely and cut through the
rope above him. Free of the threat of hanging, he plunged into the sea.
The sudden dunking extinguished the flames and made him vomit the poison.
He was dragged out of the water by a kind fisherman and was taken to a
hospital, where he died of hypothermia.
7) RENTON, Washington, USA. On February
3, 1990, a Renton, Washington man tried to commit a robbery. This
was probably his first attempt, as suggested by the fact that he had no
previous record of violent crime, and by his terminally stupid choices
as listed below:
a. The target
was H&J Leather & Firearms, a gun shop.
b. The shop
was full of customers, in a state where a substantial portion of the adult
population is licensed to carry concealed handguns in public places.
c. To enter
the shop, he had to step around a marked Police patrol car parked at the
front door.
d. An officer
in uniform was standing next to the counter, having coffee before reporting
to duty. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a holdup
and fired a few wild shots.
The officer and a clerk promptly
returned fire, removing him from the gene pool. Several other customers
also drew their guns, but didn't fire. No one else was hurt.
1999 DARWIN AWARD HONORABLE MENTIONS
(I.E. Non-fatalities)
1) Gulf Breeze, Florida, three unidentified
teenage males were using a home video camera to film an action/adventure
"movie" one of the boys had written. In a scene that called for each character
to be ignited by fire, the "special effects coordinator," age 15, prepared
the "stunt" youth by dousing lighter fluid onto his clothes. The intentional
fire, which proved unexpectedly difficult to extinguish, left the young
man with third degree burns on his left arm, torso, and both legs. It was
all captured on film.
2) In Bradford, PA, J. Cruwe, 28,
caught a small snake in a container which he handed to his wife. She opened
the container and, startled to see the snake, dropped it. The excited and
poisonous snake immediately bit Mr.Cruwe on the shin. Mr. Cruwe survived
the wound and recovered after a short visit to the local emergency
room.
3) In rural Carbon County, PA, a
group of men were drinking beer and discharging firearms from the rear
deck of a home owned by Irving Michaels, age 27. The men were firing at
a raccoon that was wandering by, but the beer apparently impaired their
aim and, despite the estimated 35 shots the group fired, the animal escaped
into a 3 foot diameter drainage pipe some 100 feet away from Mr.Michaels'
deck. Determined to terminate the animal, Mr. Michaels retrieved a can
of gasoline and poured some down the pipe, intending to smoke the animal
out. After several unsuccessful attempts to ignite the fuel, Michaels emptied
the entire 5 gallon fuel can down the pipe and tried to ignite it again,
to no avail. Not one to admit defeat by wildlife, the determined Mr. Michaels
proceeded to slide feet-first approximately 15 feet down the sloping pipe
to toss the match. The subsequent rapidly expanding fireball propelled
Mr.Michaels back the way he had come, though at a much higher rate of speed.
He exited the angled pipe "like a Polaris missile leaves a submarine,"
according to witness Joseph McFadden, 31. Mr. Michaels was launched
directly over his own home, right over the heads of his astonished
friends, onto his front lawn. In all, he traveled over 200 feet through
the air. "There was a Doppler Effect to his scream as he flew over
us," McFadden reported, "followed by a loud thud." Amazingly, he
suffered only minor injuries. "It was actually pretty cool," Michaels said,
"Like when they shoot someone out of a cannon at the circus. I'd do it
again if I was sure I wouldn't get hurt."
4) TACOMA, WA - Kerry Bingham had
been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person
who had bungee-jumped from the middle of the Tacoma Narrows Bridge. The
conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway
of the bridge at 4:30 a.m. Upon investigation, no one had brought bungee
rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out
that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. One end of the cable was secured
around Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall
lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and pulled his foot off at the
ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the frigid waters of the
Tacoma Narrows and Puget Sound and was rescued by two nearby fishermen.
"All I can say," said Bingham, "Is that God was watching out for me on
that night. There's just no other explanation for it." Bingham's severed
foot was never located.
5) Earlier this year, the dazed
crew of a Japanese trawler were plucked out of the Sea of Japan clinging
to the wreckage of their sunken ship. Their rescue, however, was followed
by immediate imprisonment once authorities questioned the sailors on their
ship's loss. To a man they claimed that a cow, falling out of a clear blue
sky, had struck the trawler amidships, shattering its hull and sinking
the vessel within minutes. They remained in prison for several weeks, until
the Russian Air Force reluctantly informed Japanese authorities that the
crew of one of its cargo planes had apparently stolen a cow wandering at
the edge of a Siberian airfield, forced the cow into the plane's hold and
hastily taken off for home. Unprepared for live cargo, the Russian crew
was ill-equipped to manage a now rampaging cow within its hold. To save
the aircraft and themselves, they shoved the animal out of the cargo hold
as they crossed the Sea of Japan at an altitude of 30,000 feet.
(TOP) (Back
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More
Bible Trivia:
Submitted by Loyce Humphrey and
Received from Bettie Y.
WARNING: Some of these are pretty
bad :-) Enjoy.
Q. Who was the greatest financier
in the Bible?
A. Noah: he was floating his stock
while everyone else was in liquidation.
Q. Who was the greatest female financier
in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter: she went
down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.
Q. What kind of man was Boaz before
he got married?
A. Ruth-less.
Q. Who was the first drug addict
in the Bible?
A. Nebuchadnezzar: he was on grass
for seven years.
Q. What kind of motor vehicles are
in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out
of the Garden in a Fury. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.
Honda... because the apostles were all in one Accord. 2 Cor. 4:8 describes
going out in service in a Volkswagen Beetle: "We are pressed in every way,
but not cramped beyond movement."
Q. Who was the greatest comedian
in the Bible?
A. Samson: he brought the house
down.
Q. Where is the first baseball game
in the Bible?
A. In the big inning. Eve stole
first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel. The Giants and the Angels
were rained out.
Q. How did Adam and Eve feel when
expelled from the Garden of Eden?
A. They were really put out.
Q. What is one of the first things
that Adam and Eve did after they were kicked out?
A. They really raised Cain.
Q. What excuse did Adam give to
his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house
and home.
Q. The ark was built in 3 stories,
and the top story had a window to let light in, but how did they get light
to the bottom 2 stories?
A. They used floodlights.
Q. Who is the greatest baby-sitter
mentioned in the Bible?
A. David: he rocked Goliath to
sleep.
Q. Why was Goliath so surprised
when David hit him with a slingshot?
A. The thought had never entered
his head before.
Q. If Goliath is resurrected, would
you like to tell him the joke about David and Goliath?
A. No, he already fell for it once.
Q. What do they call pastors in
Germany?
A. German Shepherds.
Q. What is the best way to get to
Paradise?
A. Turn right and go straight.
Q. Which servant of Jehovah was
the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses, because he broke all
10 commandments at once.
Q. Which area of Palestine was especially
wealthy?
A. The area around the Jordan:
the banks were always overflowing.
Q. How do we know that Job went
to a chiropractor?
A. Because in Job 16:12, 14, 16
we read, "I had come to be at ease, but he proceeded to shake me up: and
he grabbed me by the back of the neck and proceeded to smash me."
Q. Where is the first tennis match
mentioned in the Bible?
A. When Joseph served in Pharaoh's
court.
Q. Which bible character had no
parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.
Q. Why didn't Noah go fishing?
A. He only had two worms!
Q. How do we know that they played
cards in the ark?
A. Because Noah sat on the deck
(TOP) (Back
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Top
10 Ways You Know You're in a Bad Church
Submitted by Jill Pletcher from
Vineyard Christian Pages
-
10. The church bus has gun racks
-
9. Staff consists of "Senior Pastor,
Associate Pastor, and Socio-Pastor"
-
8. The Bible they use is the "Dr.
Seuss Version"
-
7. ATM in the lobby
-
6. Services are B.Y.O.S. -- "Bring
Your Own Snake"
-
5. Choir wearing leather robes
-
4. No cover charge, but communion
is a 2 drink minimum
-
3. Karaoke worship time
-
2. Ushers ask "Smoking or Non-Smoking?"
-
1. The only song the church organist
knows is "Innagaddadavita" (TOP)
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Top
10 Ways to Know You're Not in an Outreach-Focused Church:
From: Vineyard Community Church,
Cincinatti, Ohio.
-
10. Assigned seats
-
9. The pastor calls everyone "brother"...and
they are
-
8. "Please sign the visitors card
and put it in the trash..."
-
7. Announcements in Latin
-
6. They think "evangelism" is a
feminine hygiene product
-
5. Visitors must stand, give name
and explain "urim and thummin"
-
4. Youth pastor has all of Dale
Evans' records
-
3. Ushers examine visitors for naval
lint
-
2. Choir has to be exhumed every
week
-
1. Baptistry has pond scum
(TOP) (Back
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Why
parents get gray hair:
Submitted by Dave Singer
The boss of a big company needed
to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main
computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with
a child's whispered, "Hello?"
Feeling put out at the inconvenience
of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, Is your Daddy home?
"Yes", whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?" the man
asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."
Wanting to talk with an adult,
the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes", came the answer. "May I
talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "no".
Knowing that it was not likely that
a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just
leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.
"Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child.
"Yes" whispered the child, "A policeman".
Wondering what a cop would be doing
at his employee's home, the boss asked "May I speak with the policeman"?
"No, he's busy", whispered the
child.
"Busy doing what?, asked the boss.
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried
as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the
phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper", answered the whispering
voice.
"What is going on there?", asked
the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the
child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper"
Alarmed, concerned and more than
just a little frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there"?
Still whispering, the young voice
replied along with a muffled giggle: "They're looking for me."
(TOP) (Back
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OOPS,
Parental Blunder:
Submitted by Dave Singer,
An 8-year-old girl went to her dad,
who was working in the yard. She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?"
The father was surprised that she
would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask
the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer.
He proceeded to tell her all about
the 'birds and the bees'. When he finished explaining, the little girl
was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her, "Why
did you ask this question?"
The little girl replied, "Mom told
me to tell you that dinner would be ready in
just a couple of secs."
(TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
Out
Of The Mouths Of Babes (1):
Submitted by Karen Sharp and Dave
Singer
A little boy was in a relative's
wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop,
and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side).
While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar.
So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR all the way down the
aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard
by the time he reached the pulpit. The little boy, however, was getting
more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears
by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child
sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."
*************************************************
A little boy opened the big and
old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned
them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and
looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed
in between the pages.
"Momma, look what I found," the
boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?"
his mother asked.
With astonishment in the young boy's
voice, he answered: "I think it's Adam's suit!"
************************************************
The preacher was wired for sound
with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform,
jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound
up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several
circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother
and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"
***********************************************
Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old
brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked
out loud.
Finally, his big sister had had
enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."
"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel
asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the
church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."
***********************************************
My 2-year-old niece, Kelli, went
with her neighbor girl to church for First Communion practice. The pastor
has the children cup their hands, and when he gives them the Host-in this
case, a piece of bread-he says: "God be with you." Apparently this
made quite an impression on my niece. She came home and told her mother
to cup her hands and bend down. Kelli took a piece of bread from her sandwich,
placed it in her mother's hands, and whispered, in her most angelic voice:
"God will get you."
***********************************************
My boss' son is five years old.
He attended his first funeral with his family. I saw him on Sunday and
asked him what he thought of it. His answer, "She was already dead when
we got there."
***********************************************
I read your story about the small
child saying, "Night-night" to a body at the funeral home. It reminded
me of our small daughter. We took her to view her great-grandmother, and
she asked, "Why did they put Great-grandma in a jewelry box?"
***********************************************
I took Allison to the doctor for
her 2-year-old check. They had her do coordination tests, like stacking
blocks, and they watch and see if they walk properly.
And then the doctor said, "Allison,
can you stand on one foot for me?" And she walked over and stood on his
foot.
***********************************************
My son has a pet iguana, and he
took it to school to show some of the other kids. If you've ever seen an
iguana, they have a large flap of skin that hangs down from their neck,
and it's called dewlap. The kids were asking what it was, and he explained,
and a little girl in his class said, "Oh! My grandma has one of those."
***********************************************
I was casting kids in our church
for our annual Christmas play, and I was giving out choices, such as Shepherd,
Lamb, Villager. One 5-year-old couldn't decide, so I said, "Luke, you can
be a Villager."
He said, "o.k.-ran over to his
parents. Very excited, he said to them, "Guess what! I get to be a mini-van!"
***********************************************
I have two sons, ages 8 & 4,
and they were discussing Adam and Eve. The 8-year-old asked: "How did Adam
and Eve die?" And the 4-year-old said: "They ate bad fruit."
(TOP) (Back
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More
Handy Insults:
Submitted by Dave Singer
1) Works well when under
constant supervision and when cornered like a rat in a trap.
2) This employee should
go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.
3) I would like to
go hunting with him sometime.
4) He brings a lot
of joy whenever he leaves the room.
5) When his IQ reaches
50, he should sell.
6) If you see two people
talking and one looks bored, he's the other one.
7) A photographic memory
but with the lens cover glued on.
8) A prime candidate
for natural de-selection.
9) Donated his brain
to science before he was done using it.
10) Has two brains: one is lost,
and the other is out looking for it.
11) If he were any more stupid,
he'd have to be watered twice a week.
12) If you gave him a penny for
his thought, you'd get change.
13) If you stand close enough to
him, you can hear the ocean.
14) It's hard to believe that he
beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
15) Some drink from the fountain
of knowledge; he only gargled.
16) Takes him 2 hours to watch
60 minutes. (TOP)
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Frog Loan-
Old but starts out a Monday on a funny note
Submitted by Kim Holtzenberg
A frog goes into a bank, and hops
up to the loan officer. The frog says, "Hi, what's your name?"
The loan officer says, "My name
is John Paddywack. Can I help you?"
The frog says, "Yeah, I'd like to
borrow some money."
The loan officer finds this a little
odd, but gets out a form. He says,"Okay, what's your name?"
The frog says, "Kermit Jagger."
The loan officer says, "Really?
Any relation to Mick Jagger?"
The frog says, "Yeah, he's my dad."
The loan officer says, "Okay. Ummm......do
you have any collateral?"
The frog hands the loan officer
a pink ceramic elephant and says, "Will this do?"
The loan officer says, "Hmmm....I'm
not sure. Let me go check with the bank manager."
The frog says, "Oh, tell him I said
hi. He knows me."
The loan officer goes back to the
manager and says, "Excuse me, but there's this frog out there named Kermit
Jagger who wants to borrow some money. All he has for collateral is this
pink elephant thing, I'm noteven sure what it is."
The manager says, "It's a knickknack,
Paddywack, give the frog a loan,his old man's a Rolling Stone."
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Sayings
that should be on buttons...
Submitted by Kim Holtzenberg
1. Well, this day was a total waste
of makeup.
2. Make yourself at home! Clean
my kitchen.
3. Who are these kids and why are
they calling me Mom?
4. I thought I wanted a career,
turns out I just wanted paychecks.
5. Don't bother me. I'm living
happily ever after.
6. Do I look like a people person?
7. Is it time for your medication
or mine?
8. I started out with nothing &
still have most of it left.
9. I pretend to work. They pretend
to pay me.
10. If I throw a stick, will you
leave?
11. You! Off my planet!
12. Therapy is expensive, poppin'
bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
13. I like cats, too. Let's exchange
recipes.
14. If I want to hear the pitter
patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.
15. Everyone thinks I'm psychotic,
except for my friends deep inside the earth.
16. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
17. And your crybaby, whiny opinion
would be...?
18. I'm not a cranky person, I've
just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
19. If only you'd use your powers
for good instead of evil...
20. Allow me to introduce my selves.
21. Sarcasm is just one more service
we offer.
22. Whatever kind of look you were
going for, you missed.
23. Suburbia: where they tear out
the trees & then name streets after them.
24. Do they ever shut up on your
planet?
25. I'm just working here till
a good fast-food job opens up.
26. A woman's favorite position
is CEO.
27. Chaos, panic, & disorder
- my work here is done.
28. I'm trying to imagine you with
a personality.
29. A cubicle is just a padded
cell without a door.
30. Stress is when you wake up
screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
31. Here I am! Now what are your
other two wishes?
32. Don't worry. I forgot your
name, too!
33. Adults are just kids who owe
money.
34. How many times do I have to
flush before you go away?
35. I have a computer, a ice cream,
& pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?
36. Too may freaks, not enough
circuses.
37. Nice perfume. Must you marinate
in it?
38. I'm not tense, just terribly,
terribly alert.
39. Can I trade this job for what's
behind door #2? (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
Where
Pets Come From:
Submitted by Kim Holtzenberg
A newly discovered chapter in the
Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?"
Adam said, "Lord, when I was in
the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore.
I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you
love me."
And God said, "No problem! I will
create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be
a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you
cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may
be, this new companion will accept you as you are & will love you as
I do, in spite of yourself."
And God created a new animal to
be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail.
And Adam said, "Lord, I have already
named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this
new animal."
And God said, "No problem. Because
I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his
name will be a reflection of my own name, "and you will call him DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam and was
a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that
Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become
filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes
he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved,
but perhaps too well."
And God said, "No problem! I will
create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see
him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will
know that he is not always worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion
to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes,
he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility.
And God was pleased.
And Adam was greatly improved. And
Dog was happy. And the cat didn't care one way or the other.
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